History Funny / TheWizardInTheShadows

* This series is full of them.

--> [[DeadpanSnarker You may not have noticed, but we do not]] ''[[DeadpanSnarker have]]'' [[DeadpanSnarker 10,000 men]].

-->'''Gandalf''': There are dangerous things in these mines.
-->'''Harry''': I'll be one of them if I don't get to eat something soon.

* Everyone tormenting [[spoiler: [[ButtMonkey Théoded]]]].

* Harry's response to Denethor when [[spoiler: Boromir]] explains that the Ring is too dangerous:
-->'''Denethor''': Who taught you that I wonder? These two conjurers, one young, one old, one arrayed in black and the other in white, yet equal in their meddling.
-->'''Harry''': ''[eyes the decorations]'' At least we blend in.

-->'''Pippin''': ''[completely innocently]'' Did you sleep well? You look as if you didn't get much sleep.
-->'''Harry''': ''[clearly still out of it]'' It was fantastic... ''[Ginny elbows him]'' Oh, you meant the sleep. Well, not so much. There was… a lot of tossing and turning.
-->'''Pippin''': ''[still innocently]'' Good thing that it was a big bed, think of the trouble if you'd rolled off.
-->'''Harry''': ''[embarrassed]'' Yeah. Heh.
* The narration when [[spoiler: Emrys takes on a troll]]:
--> [[spoiler: Emrys]], like many others with a sobriquet such as 'The Valiant', took the traditional Gryffindor approach to distraction. That is to say, crude insults yelled at the top of one's voice. Sun Tzu would have been proud.

-->'''Hermione''': We few, we merry few -
-->'''Harry''': We band of buggered.
-->'''Hermione''': ''[shocked]'' How could you possibly know that part of the quote?
-->'''Harry''': Eh? I thought I was just murdering Shakespeare's masterpiece. What did you think?
-->'''Hermione''': That you were quoting a popular American TV show that you cannot possibly have watched unless Rivendell has cable television.

* When Harry reveals himself as having been [[spoiler: OnlyMostlyDead]], the first thing he does is carve 'Out for Lunch, back in ten minutes' on the shattered remains of his [[spoiler: tomb]], which he had [[RuleOfFunny blasted]] open after an [[TooDumbToLive exceptionally stupid raven pecked at it]]. Doubles as a ShoutOut to ''Film/PiratesOfTheCaribbeanDeadMansChest''. He then sneaks up on Ron as [[spoiler: the latter is giving a toast to the seemingly dead Harry]], and steals his drink.

--> This is still far from the weirdest thing you've ever done.

-->'''Gandalf''': Nevertheless, your secret dies with us
-->'''Harry''': No dying!
-->'''Gandalf''': Everyone does so eventually Harry. Death is but the next great adventure, a wise man once said.
-->'''Harry''': Yes, Dumbledore really liked that one. But this is a party, and [[spoiler: I'm just back from the dead]], so I intend to have fun, which may or may not involve getting absolutely drunk out of my skull.
-->'''Frodo''': ''[puzzled]'' How do you get drunk out of your skull?
-->'''Harry''': ''[firmly]'' I don't know, but I intend to find out.

--> Oi, moaning about your own perceived failures is my schtick. Stop infringing. I take it that your cold and calculating side is why your soldiers love you and would die for you without hesitation, why it was you who comforted me after Gandalf died. Yes, very cold, very ruthless, no doubt all with a cunning ulterior motive. Face it Boromir, you're like a big, fluffy… stuffed toy!

--> Besides, your [[spoiler: cousin has to go because he is the heir]], and your brother has to because he’s about as good at dealing with civilians as I am at herding cats. Blindfolded. With both legs tied together.

-->'''Gandalf''': Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his vengeance swift. The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The Battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.
-->'''Harry''': Not before we, one, deal with Saruman, and two, I get a decent pint, it won’t.
-->[[spoiler: '''Boromir''']]: ''[despairingly]'' Do you have any sense of occasion?
-->'''Harry''': ''[blankly]'' Sense of occasion? What is this thing you speak of?
-->'''Gandalf''': ''[ignores Harry through long practice]'' All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits. Somewhere in the wilderness.

-->'''Aragorn''': Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?
-->'''Harry''': ÉOMER! OVER HERE YOU DOZY BASTARD!

* Harry's innovative tactic against Wargs. [[spoiler: Shrieking through a Sonorus spell]].
-->[[spoiler: '''Boromir''']]: A POX ON ALL BLOODY DERANGED WIZARDS!

-->'''Gimli''': Fangorn… what madness drove them in there?
-->'''Harry''': You mean apart from the ferocious battle and certain death behind them?

--> Eru help us, he's back, he's incredibly powerful, and he's gone senile.

-->'''Gandalf''': I am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. And I am not senile, ''Moristar'', though I would ask you to try being resurrected and retaining your full faculties.
-->'''Harry''': [[CallBack I have. It was rather easy. Of course, some of us didn't bother with the dye job]]. Now could you tell me where you've hidden my bloody wand?
** [[spoiler: Boromir]] has one when Gandalf is chivvying them along.
--> Back from the dead, twice as powerful, twice as grumpy.
* [[spoiler: Sirius]] reckons that they should look for a doorbell on the black gate.
* [[spoiler: Boromir]], on seeing the army coming out of the Black Gate.
--> ''[calmly]'' We are all so very, very dead.

--> Where's your positivity? I'll take the 6,000 in front of us, and you lot can play nicely divide the remains among yourselves.

-->'''[[spoiler: Sirius]]:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Oh, pre-battle speech coming up. This should be good: is it going to be a 'we're all going to die, so let's take some of the bastards with us' routine, or a 'There are only ten thousand of them, see you on the other side of the evil army'?]]

--> ''[cackling]'' Slow down, you mad bastard!

-->'''Harry''': ''[looks speculatively at table]'' Nah. Too much chance of splinters.

-->'''Théoden''': Anyone else who wishes to leave the banquet with their loved one to attend to… other business, may do so. Now.

-->'''Legolas''': Humans. Only ever thinking of one thing.
-->'''Gimli''': Aye laddie. Let's just hope that Harry remembered to silence his room this time.
-->'''Legolas''': ''[shudders]'' Yes. Let's.

* [[spoiler: Maglor]] mockingly impersonating Fëanor.

--> '''Legolas:''' When people talk of the King being advised by his closest and wisest friends, they never talk about this. I am most certain that my father has never wrestled with Galion in the middle of counsel on matters of grave import.
--> '''Elladan or Elrohir:''' Nor does our father wrestle with Erestor or Glorfindel.
--> '''Gimli:''' Aye, neither does mine.
--> '''Legolas:''' Indeed, [...] the race of Man is an odd one, whether of the ordinary variety or the wizardly variety. Yet we put up with them all the same -
--> '''Gimli:''' Because we find them funny.
--> '''Harry:''' You two aren't related, married, performing a comedy routine or any combination of the above, unless I missed a ''lot'' of very strange things when I was out of action, so stop it with the sentence finishing. It disturbs me.

--> '''Sirius:''' I am going to kiss whoever gave him this armour!
--> '''Boromir:''' She's married, at least seven thousand years old and mindreading elf nobility. You haven't got a chance.
--> '''Sirius:''' You'd be surprised.
--> '''Boromir:''' Yes, I would. I really, really would.

--> '''Sirius:''' I guess you [heard our argument].
--> '''Harry:''' Sirius, half the city probably heard it. If you'd shouted just a ''little'' louder, they would have heard you in Osgiliath.

[[folder: From Out of the Shadows]]

* [[spoiler: Maglor's]] killer magical lawnmower.

-->'''Harry''': Draco's become rather more perceptive than I would have expected. He's almost like you Sirius, except when people s –. ''[looks at Eirian]'' If I finish that sentence I'm going to be castrated aren't I?
-->'''Eirian''': Maybe. Depends what you were going to say.
-->'''Harry''': ''[considers continuing then shuts up]'' Discretion is that better part of valour.
-->'''Eirian''': Smart man.

--> '''Morcar:''' My father was the reincarnation of the ancestor of the Darkness Slayer, a man called [[spoiler: Godric Gryffindor]], who was responsible, at the very least, for that damn great silver cat thing at Helm's Deep. And the Ringbearer's glowing finger.
--> "Yes," said Boromir, sounding relieved that the end was in sight and that there was light at the end of the tunnel.
--> '''Morcar:''' So. Why haven't I blown up the city yet?
--> Boromir looked like he was having a stroke. "I'm not sure," he muttered, having discovered that the metaphorical light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel was a metaphorical flame thrower.

--> '''Professor [=McGonagall=]:''' Hagrid told me he'd never heard so much creative cursing in all sorts of languages in his entire life as [Harry and Ginny] staggered out of the lake, naked as the day they were born.

[[folder: Snippets From The Shadows]]
* Maglor. At a nightclub. It turns out that he ReallyGetsAround. So it's unsurprising that he would hook up with a dimension travelling [[spoiler: [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Faith Lehane]]]].

-->'''Maglor''': After six thousand years, he's still a [[PrecisionFStrike twat]]. I really shouldn't be surprised.

-->'''Hulk''': HULK WANT SALSA!

-->'''Tony''': ''[while writing]'' Note to self. Must... get... Nick... to... drink... Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.
** Tony is no longer allowed to drink and fly the Iron Man suit after a NoodleIncident involving 'the Italian Ambassador's wife, the five Doombots, the Russian Ambassador's husky, the New York branch of Victoria's Secret and a Hugh Hefner themed orgy'. And it ended in Tony playing bumper cars with the US Fifth Fleet, totalling five destroyers, three frigates and an aircraft carrier.

* Harry saying what every person who has watched ''Film/TheLordOfTheRings'' has wanted to say:

* Harry saying what every person who has watched LordOfTheRings has wanted to say:

* [[spoiler: Maglor]]. The elf is a walking CrowningMomentOfFunny.

* Harry asks in a tone that suggests SeriousBusiness that he is trying to hide from someone and wants Draco to teach him some anti tracking spells. The dread person who Harry is trying to escape? [[CrowningMomentOfFunny Mrs Weasley.]]

* "Exit wizard, stage left, pursued by two women much more frightening than any bear."