History Funny / TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFive

-->'''Programmer Nerd:''' "Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (picks up a safety pin) Ah, safety pin! That'll be perfect! (types code in) Next game."

-->'''Nerd:''' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer) Wrong, a Pols Voice. What's that? A mummy? (buzzer) Gibdo. What's that? A ghost? (buzzer) Ghini. What's that? Well, it's kinda like.... like.... (ding-ding-ding-ding!) What? It's called a Like Like? Yeah, I'm not making this up. This is all coming straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer) Wrong, it's called Rope. Yeah, really. If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that? A bat? (buzzer) No, it's Keese. What do you call the keys then? Bats? What's that? A knight? (buzzer) A Darknut. Well then, what's that? Uh, a... a geiger counselman? (buzzer) Oh, a rock. What's that? A spider? (buzzer) A Tektite. Now what the fuck is a Tektite? Is that even a real word? Let me look it up. (finding Tektite in the dictionary) Yeah, it is. Tektite: Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface. Yeah, or a spider.

--->'''Gremlin:''' In this corner, weighing in at 0 pounds, 0 ounces: nothing! And in this corner, we've got...much of the same: nothing!

--->'''Announcer''': Next up is a fight, next up is a fight, next up is a fight...

--->'''Gremlin''': In this corner, we have... [[EyeScream Bug-Eyed Balboa!]]\\

--->'''Gremlin''': Let's see what else I got up my sleeves. [[VerbalBackspace Oh, I'm not wearing any]], but for my final showstopper, feast your eyes... on ''this''!\\

* His tangent about how ridiculously named the monsters from the first ''Zelda'' game were.

--->'''Nerd:''' Really? That's a bad game? I thought it was pretty good. I mean look at it, it's '''gold'''.

* The episode opens with the Nerd stating that he has so many bad games to talk shit about, and that one of the ones he gets a lot of requests for is ''VideoGame/ZeldaIITheAdventureOfLink''. Que RecordNeedleScratch.

-->"Purple for '[[GameBreakingBug Putrid]] [[SomeDexterityRequired Gameplay]],' Blue for '[[Horrible/{{Music}} Bad Musical Abominations]],' Green for '[[SpecialEffectsFailure Graphical]] [[ObviousBeta Farts and Garlic]],' Yellow for '[[AdaptationDecay Piss-Poor Lack of Loyalty]] [[TheProblemWithLicensedGames to Source Material]],' Orange for '[[GuideDangIt Orange you a fucking idiot!]],' and Red for '[[FakeDifficulty High-stress Anger-Inducing Masochism]]'! Put that all together, and you've got all the colors of the shit rainbow. Hooray, LJN!"

--> '''Nerd''': I can imagine what ''Lester the Unlikely 2'' would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb and... takes a shit? The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. The fourth game... doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... and it explodes. The fifth game isn't even a game, it's just... [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin a bag of shit that says ''Lester the Unlikely 5'' on it.]] And there's a new one comin' on the [=PS4=], using the latest state-of-the-art technology of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. Just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-ray a run for its money.

[[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerd Main]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdPilots Pilots]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonOne Season One]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwo Season Two]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonThree Season Three]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFour Season Four]] | '''Season Five''' | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSix Season Six]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSeven Season Seven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEight Season Eight]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonNine Season Nine]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTen Season Ten]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEleven Season Eleven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwelve Season Twelve]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonThirteen Season Thirteen]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFourteen Season Fourteen]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFifteen Season Fifteen]] | [[Funny/AngryVideoGameNerdTheMovie The Movie]]

-->'''Nerd:''' It's like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! Guess that's why it's called [[ActuallyPrettyFunny "Cheat-ah-men."]]

-->'''Nerd''': Look at that. There's some crazy shit going on over there. ''I'' wanna join the party. ''(falls off platform and collapses)'' Oops, dying in mid-air.

--> '''Nerd''': What the [[PrecisionFStrike FUCK]] is wrong with this world? We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would have went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down, and go to Japan!", they would have looked at you like you were telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars.

--> '''Nerd''': What the [[PrecisionFStrike FUCK]] is wrong with this world? We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? People have gone on the live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would have went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down, and go to Japan!", they would have looked at you like you were telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars.

* "[[Music/JohnnyCash Ghost Riders in the Sky]]" being completely ruined for him due to it being the only song in the game (or more accurately the only song in Stage 1, which he can't get past):

* The Nerd's [[https://youtu.be/Fz92prJ3XlM?t=1193 montage]] of "[[PrecisionFStrike fucks]]" accompanied by his various deaths.

--> '''Nerd''': If you would have went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down, and go to Japan!", they would have looked at you like you were telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars.

** The Nerd's [[https://youtu.be/Fz92prJ3XlM?t=1193 montage]] of "[[PrecisionFStrike fucks]]" accompanied by his various deaths.

-->'''Nerd:''' Oh, and that [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING song.]] I am so sick of hearing that. Next time I hear ''Ghost Riders in the Sky'', I'm going to think about going a hundred miles per hour on a horse, jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!

--> '''Nerd''': Jump! Uh, jump again! Duck! Uh, shoot... whatwas- oh FUCK!

* "These guys peek their heads out over the fence like [[HomeImprovement Tim the Toolman's neighbor]], and throw rocks! That's child's stuff! I mean, come on, throwing rocks."

--> '''AVGN''': Well, maybe that's just his name, that's all. [[ItIsPronouncedTropay Maybe it's pronounced "e-roar".]]

* Deciding he's gone off all games and to watch TV instead. At the time, US TV had just switched over from analog signal to digital, and the Nerd's old TV, naturally, only picks up analog signals. It just produces static, causing him to remark "[[TakeThat Modern TV sucks!]]"...[[HypocriticalHumor before settling down to watch the static anyway]].

--> '''Nerd''': Let's take a look at this, I can only imagine. We're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time. We're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon. Hadoukens up Uranus [[note]]Funnier if you consider it could be a StealthPun with "your anus"[[/note]], fuck ''VideoGame/StreetFighterIV'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010''!

* When playing ''Street Fighter 2010'', he is cornered by some enemies on a climbable wall, leading to this comment:

--> '''Nerd''': It's the most heartless and abominable end stage ever programmed. What you get here is an endurance round. You have to fight three bosses, and then go on to a final boss, who has two different forms. All on one single life. You die once, you go back. First, it's this fucking clam-shaped thing. Then it's this fuckbrain. Then these two disappearing mummified armadillo robots in a room that randomly spouts fire all about. On top of trying to stay alive, you have to do it all before the time runs out. Oh look, I beat him, and the time's still going! Come on, come on, I gotta get to the final boss! Yes! I made it! Two seconds to spare! Then you get a cutscene. There's no way anyone's gonna bother to read this. Your heart is pounding so fast, and you're ripping your hair out of your head wondering "what the fuck am I gonna have to fight now??" I'm at the final boss, what is it, what is it? [timer runs out] WHAT?!? The fucking time limit??? You'd think that after the cutscene, the timer would start over, but NO! You fight the three bosses, then it's the cutscene, then you fight two forms of the final boss. So that's basically five bosses in total, all on the same life bar, and the same time limit. You get unlimited continues, so there's no excuse to shut off the game, You just keep playing and playing and playing. Eventually you start to get good at it! You can blow through these bosses taking as little damage as possible, but then the time always runs out! So you do it real fast, but then you end up getting killed! Then, you start to go through a phase, where you get so frustrated that all the skill you've accumulated starts to weaken, so instead of getting better, you actually start to get worse, because you've been playing the same fucking thing over and over. The final boss looks like a big, blistering ballsack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full power-ups! You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long! You don't have time! When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta ''somehow make it all happen''! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit, all in one perfect run! But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world! Yeah, boom, BOOM! (makes explosion noises)

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/vlcsnap_2021_04_05_15h34m47s745.png]]
[[caption-width-right:350:"It's a Clubber-fuck!"]]

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** When the Nerd actually catches the Q-tip ''first time''. Their reactions are priceless, especially Rolfe's look of amazement and hilarity.

* ''Time Warp Tickers''. [[WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs That is all]].

--->'''Nerd:''' The air humping, I don't know what does. But you can't hump the turtle. I'm trying to jump on this thing, but it's not working.