History Funny / ThatMitchellAndWebbLook

*** "The maths quiz that simply everyone."

** The final sketch, as BMX Bandit tries to make a long jump that no human could actually make.

** The very next scene shows that [[spoiler: their ''children'' took on the roles in the film, with Mitchell and Webb acting as a conjoined maid.]]

--->'''Sir Digby:''' ''(pouring expensive liquor in a tea cup)'' It's been nice to see you, great-aunt... Marigold.\\
'''Ginger:''' ''(taking the remaining liquor from Digby)'' I'm having pills with it, sir! ''(eats a hand-full of unspecified pills)''\\

''(pan over to "great-aunt Marigold" revealing she her being tied up and gagged)''

'''Sir Digby:''' And I've been meaning to fix that broken television for you... ''(he and Ginger walks over and picks up the TV and DVD player)''\\

** The scene where the Green Clarinet Man demands Alan to give him the Green Clarinet:

'''Waiter:''' Ah, yes, but now I have a red tuba, which [[BrownNote makes you shit yourself!]] ''[proceeds to blow a long loud note]''

*** Both contestants guessing "one" with various inflections until Simon's "one" is declared Wangernumb.

*** At the start of the sketch:

-->"I think we should also perfom an autopsy on the aliens, and then tell no one the results."\\

** "My, my, it's like watching The Generation Game. ''I expect that's a reference you get!''"

** Sir Digby and Ginger stealing a Bunsen burner and a few other Science equipment from a local school.
--->'''Ginger:''' I think we've got the makings of crystal meths here, sir!\\

'''Hans:''' Oh, you haven't been listening to Allied propaganda? Of course they're gonna say we're the bad guys!\\

* A 'behind the scenes' sketch where David and Robert are plotting the order of the sketches and where the 'miss' sketches should be arranged around the 'hit' ones (in reference to the common sketch-show criticism that the sketches are always 'hit-and-miss'), before it becoming a meta-take on the common criticisms they receive. It ends like this:

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFxAleTesqA Rob's idea to make the doorbell obsolete.]] The best part is David's eerily calm tone as he explains why the positives (knowing who's at the door before you answer it) may be outweighed by the negatives ("A broken window, a dead or severely injured dog, the need to carry a large cannon around with you, not to mention the possiblity that you're intending to visit several houses and will need to carry several dogs.") It's nothing like the indignant ranting we've come to expect from him, but it's no less hilarious.

* The World War II documentary about radar, in which the professor flails his arms about every more dramatically as he emphasizes every single word. The director tries having him put his hands in his pockets (he flails his arms around inside the jacket) and then having two production assistants keep his hands tied behind his back (he breaks free of the ropes). Finally he ties the professor to a handtruck, but he ends up jerking his ''head'' around in the same way.

-->'''Jesus:''' No, no, no, no. I didn’t realise it was such a PC environment here and I suppose I thought that having what was only intended as a fond pop at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you like, would not be inappropriate in the context of a story which is after all about goodness, and at the end of the day, it is only a parable.

* The [[BlatantLies Everything is Fine]] sketch, which is pretty much the same gag repeated for two minutes, parodying the usual new habit of dramaticising horrible events by completely underplaying them.

-->'''Reporter-on-the-scene:''' ''(standing in front of a building with smoke coming out of it)'' No, no new fatalities. Everyone who was injured is now recovering or dead, because as I have said, everything is now fine.

** The woman with a broken telescreen, having to deal with typical workies repairtimes (ten to twelve weeks). "Yes, he is still watching you, just not in that room. You and your husband will have to watch each other. ... we did? Oh, then you'll have to watch yourself."

* One sketch in series 5 has a man at a pet center trying to describe a cat to another man who has no idea what cats are.

* From the radio, series 4 has a version of ''Gardener's Question Time'', wherein all the questions asked are inane or completely unrelated to gardens, just given the qualifiers "in a garden". When the OnlySaneMan is given a question about gardens, it's shot down.

* From the radio show, the Crying Wolf sketch:

* From the radio series, one sketch in series 4 has a man at a pet center trying to describe a cat to another man who has no idea what cats are.

'''"Ian [=McKellen=]":''' You are.

-->'''Host:''' And we have a newcomer to the show. Wh-what's your name?\\

-->'''Host:''' Dave, you're ill.\\

-->'''Caveman:''' Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technology has been a bit of a double-edged sword.

** In the second-to-last episode, the Host remains oblivious to the fact the new guest is not what he seems.
-->'''Host:''' And we have a newcomer to the show. What's your name?
-->'''Guest:''' [[AC:Why do you want to know?]]
** And as the topic of Them moves on:
--->'''Host:''' Have any of Them got in?\\

'''Host:''' I'm sorry, but the correct answer is that, to date, none of Them have got in.\\

--->'''Host''': Let's move on to round two, imaginary numbers. Simon?
--->'''Simon''': [[EleventyZillion Twentington]].
--->'''Host''': That's Numberwang!
--->'''Julie''': Frilve hundred and neeb.
--->'''Host''': That's Numberwang!
--->'''Simon''': Shinty-six.
--->(''buzzer'')
--->'''Host''': Oh, bad luck, Simon. I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number, as in the popular phrase "I only have shinty-six days left to live."
--->(''behind him, a screen shows the number "shinty-six", which is really 56 with the 5 reversed'')

---> '''Host''': So, Gyles, any funny number stories?
---> '''Gyles''': Yes. Once I ate 18 cakes.

---> '''Gyles''': Numberwank!
---> '''Host''': It's Number''wang''.
---> '''Gyles''': ''[Embarrassed]'' [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck]].

'''Host:''' Julie, ever killed a man?\\

'''Julie:''' Buzz.\\

--->'''"Ian [=McKellen=]":''' The world is ''full'' of numbers. Everywhere you look, on buses, speed limit signs, inside shoes... even in the phone book.
--->'''"Tom Hanks":''' ''[looking up from a phone book]'' I never realised...
--->'''"Ian [=McKellen=]":''' But are the numbers on the side of good... or evil?
--->'''"Tom Hanks":''' I thought they said all numbers were neutral.
--->'''"Ian [=McKellen=]":''' They ''lied'', Charles! They lied!
--->'''"Tom Hanks":''' ... sorry, who's Charles?
--->'''"Ian [=McKellen=]":''' You are.
--->'''"Tom Hanks":''' [[BreakingTheFourthWall Right, the man hadn't said yet.]]

--->'''Timmy:''' Why don't we play Cucumberwang?
--->'''Father:''' No Timmy, because that would be ''shit''.

-->'''Tim''': Well, there is no yes or no answer, and…
-->'''Raymond''': WHAT!? I can think of two yes or no answers just off the top of my head!

-->"I think we should also perfom an autopsy on the aliens, and then tell no one the results."
-->"Yes, and just to make absolutely sure no one finds out, we should film it."

-->'''Woman:''' Excuse me, what happened to the incredibly nice Australian girl with the colourful jumper we met last week?
-->'''Incredibly Sinister Vicar:''' She's ''gone'', child. They're all ''gone'', banished by the bishop! I know where they're going ''eventually''. In the meantime, ''Daventry!''

-->'''Incredibly Posh Waiter:''' How could I ''possibly'' introduce you to the manager? You're not wearing a tie, and you're holding your ladle like a ''pencil''!

--> '''Ginger:''' I think we've got the makings of crystal meths here, sir!
--> '''Sir Digby:''' It's gonna be an Easter weekend to remember!

-->'''Sheila:''' We don't want The Event happening again.
-->'''Host:''' ''(chuckling)'' We certainly don't. God, imagine The Event happening again... ''(to audience)'' '''No! Do not imagine The Event happening again! It will cause distress! The Event is in the past!'''

-->'''Host:''' Pre-Event sources talk about "hope". What ''was'' hope?
-->'''Peter:''' Is it a spice?
-->'''Host:''' What's a spice?
-->'''Peter:''' I think it's an animal...

-->'''Host:''' Have a look at this clip. ''(holds up [[ExactWords a paperclip]])''
-->'''Peter:''' ''(who is blind)'' ... I can't.

--->'''Host:''' Have any of Them got in?
--->'''Guest:''' ''(raises his head, revealing he's got pale skin and deep red eyes)'' [[AC:Yes.]]
--->'''Host:''' I'm sorry, but the correct answer is that, to date, none of Them have got in.
--->'''Guest:''' ''(sporting a SlasherSmile)'' [[AC:That's not the right answer...]]

-->'''Jillian:''' How'd you break your arm, Chris?\\

-->"STOP! ... ''It's racist.'' It's really, really racist."

-->'''Ursula:''' A what?
-->'''Caveman:''' Nothing.
-->'''Ursula:''' No, what did you just say?
-->'''Caveman:''' I've no idea.

-->'''DVD:''' That Sunday Sensation Chill-out. Brought to you by [[spoiler:your robot overlords.]]
-->'''[[spoiler:Robot:''']] [[spoiler:[[AC:Nice cup of tea, puny humans?]]]]

-->'''BMX Bandit:''' This is the longest jump I, or anyone else, has ever made on a BMX unai-... oh, I get it. You ''shit!''

*** Going for three whole days without hitting Numberwang. The SuddenDeath round is literal; whoever dies first (while being bombarded with "Number gas") wins. It's made even funnier when ''Julie'' dies first, complete with "ding" and funeral flowers that spell out "That's Numberwang!"

* The Quiz Broadcast sketches, when they're not being disturbing, or traumatic (Remain Indoors).

** It concludes with Webb!Holmes lightly bopping Mitchell!Watson on the forehead with his pipe, like the original stage production... prompting the two to come to blows, with Holmes putting Watson into a headlock. They then go through the door, and it's now Mitchell!Holmes with a headlock on Webb!Watson, matching the characters actions to the actors'.

** "So you see, Watson, my unique powers of observation..." *''smashes glass over Watson's head''*
** "Of course, we don't know if the audience picked up on any of this." And the next scene has Holmes (now played by Webb) kicking Watson's crutch (because his leg's broken) and then continuing to beat him up.

* The Dead British Actors sketch, in which two feuding actors are cast in the same play as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, under the condition that they alternate roles each night. [[AmusingInjuries Their rivalry turns increasingly physical.]]

'''Darcy:''' Oh, Caroline, would you '''[[BigShutUp PLEASE shut the FUCK UP]]'''!

---> '''Host''': You may be interested to know that today's Number Gas is made from [[ToiletHumour the number 2]], which, you may remember from school, is deadly to humans.

---> '''Host''': Julie, ever killed a man?
---> '''Julie''': No.
---> '''Host''': Simon?
---> '''Simon''': (''enthusiastically'') Yes.

---> '''Julie''': Buzz.
---> '''Host''': Sorry, are you buzzing in?
---> '''Julie''': No.
---> '''Host''': That's Wordwang!

--->'''Uli''': Parallel.
--->'''Host''': Nice.
--->'''Im''': Nice.
--->'''Host''': Nice.

*** The host wishing Julie good luck before Wangernumb - in English, tricking her into answering "Oh, thanks very much!" in a parody of Gordon Jackson giving himself away in ''Film/TheGreatEscape'', and causing the host to immediately disqualify her.

--->'''Johnny:''' Pi and a bit?
--->'''Host:''' Do you mean 3.15?
--->'''Johnny:''' Of course.
--->'''Host:''' Carol?
--->'''Carol:''' A bit of pi?
--->'''Host:''' ''[holds up slice of pie]'' Do you mean this?
--->'''Carol:''' No.
--->'''Host:''' That's Numberwang!

--->'''Hans:''' Well - maybe they're the skulls of our enemies!\\

'''Hans:''' Well, no, but-\\

''(Hans puts a cigarette in his mouth and sets down an ashtray - shaped like a skull. As he absorbs this, he and Erich see one of their comrades drinking out of [[SkullCups a mug with a skull on the side]], and another knitting a scarf with a skull pattern)''\\

* Queen Victoria's objection to the American Ambassador's gift of 20,000 linden trees... and the reason behind her objection - they smell like cum. And the Prime Minister's response to her objection.

-->'''Elizabeth:''' I confess I did not know.
-->'''Caroline:''' In faith, what would appear to be the summation of all that you "do not know", Miss Bennet, would make for quite th-
-->'''Darcy:''' Oh Caroline, would you '''PLEASE shut the FUCK UP'''!

-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' I warned you, I told you to be careful but you have abused the green clarinet. Now you must pay the price, you must give back the Green Clarinet.
-->'''Alan:''' No way!
-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' Then I shall take it from you.
-->''(Alan slaps him)''
-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' Ow! You can't do that! I'm the Green Clarinet Man!
-->''(Alan proceeds to play the Green Clarinet)''
-->'''The Green Clarinet:''' [[AC:You think you're magic but look like a twat, look like a twat...]]
-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' ''[singing and dancing]'' ...I think I'm magic but I look like a twat, my mum has made my costume!
-->'''The Green Clarinet:''' [[AC:You scratch your arse and sniff your hand, sniff your hand...]]
-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' ...I scratch my arse and sniff my hand. I find the smell erotic!
-->'''The Green Clarinet:''' [[AC:You're not allowed near local schools, near local schools, near local schools...]]
-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' ...I'm not allowed near local schools. The probation service tagged me! ''[Proceeds to run away crying]''

-->'''Alan:''' Today I think I'll have a free meal.
-->'''Waiter:''' I think not, sir.
-->'''Alan:''' Hm, but you forget I have a green clarinet that makes you tell embarrassing truths.
-->'''Waiter:''' Ah, yes, but now I have a red tuba, which [[BrownNote makes you shit yourself!]] ''[Proceeds to blow a long loud note]''

*** The No Numbers round, in which the contestants score No-Numberwangs by saying things that ''aren't'' numbers. "Anti-six" and "Not-nine" are considered correct, but when Johnny says "Brazil", he is told Brazil is actually a number, as in the popular phrase "Brazil Britons are feared to be among the dead."
*** Round 4 is an in memoriam segment that pays tribute to the numbers that left us during 2007, including 6 to the power of three quarters, 12 with a hat on the one, 1972 (leading the host to quip afterwards that he thought it had been dead for years), [[spoiler:Prof. Stephen Blake]], and nought.

*** And as the topic of Them moves on:

'''Steve:''' I want to live in Dorking.\\

-->'''The Green Clarinet Man:''' ...I'm not allowed near local schools. The probation service tagged me! ''[proceeds to run away crying]''

---> '''Gyles''': Numberwank.

---> '''Gyles''': [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck]].

*** Julie and Simon being penalized for bad guesses by having letters removed from their names. They go into the Wordwangerator as Uli and Im, with respective scores of "H" and "tarpaulin".

** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aShFeIafW1Q Red Nose Day 2007]] featured a CelebrityEdition sketch (adapted from one seen in their live show ''The Two Faces of Mitchell and Webb'') featuring Creator/ChannelFour's "head of numbers" [[Series/{{Countdown}} Carol Vorderman]] (who's from Yes, and whose favourite hobbies are pina coladas and smoking in the rain), and BBC Radio DJ and "Music/LilyAllen's famous dad" Johnny Ball (who's from No, and whose favourite hobby is "ass"), benefiting Number Relief -- which benefits number-releated charities such as "Five Aid" and "Digits Sans Frontiers".

*** Carol guesses "5 and a neck", which has to go to their "independent adjudicator" Professor Stephen Blake for review. [[spoiler:He gets murdered. The host takes this as a no]]

*** Also in the same sketch near the beginning:

** The History of Numberwang documentary, culminating in the homicidal rampage of the Numberwang computer Colosson, who is determined to destroy everything that isn't Numberwang - including television. The documentary includes clips of a pre-Colosson version of Numberwang in which whether or not a given number is Numberwang was worked out by hand and could take hours (leading the host to go to a musical interlude in which he hums ''God Save the Queen'' - causing the researchers to stand, without missing a beat in their work), and the first Colosson version presented by Robert Webb as ''Call My Bluff'' host Robert Robinson.

** Near the end of the sketch, the Green Clarinet Man demands Alan to him the the Green Clarinet back as he abused the power of it. Unfortunately for the Green Clarinet Man, Alan uses the power of the clarinet on him, making him admit that his Mum made his costume and how he's not allowed near local schools before running away bursting into tears.

* The Dead British Actors sketch, in which two feuding actors are cast in the same play as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, under the condition that they alternate roles each night. [[AmusingInjuries Their rivalry turns increasingly physical.]]
** "So you see, Watson, my unique powers of observation..." *''smashes glass over Watson's head''*
** "Of course, we don't know if the audience picked up on any of this." And the next scene has Holmes (now played by Webb) kicking Watson's crutch (because his leg's broken) and then continuing to beat him up.
** Then they make a film of a Holmes story, in which they alternate roles ''between shots'', thereby flushing continuity down the toilet.
*** Though it doesn't get properly ludicrous until David Mitchell starts talking to David Mitchell.
* The [[ThoseWackyNazis two Nazis]] who suddenly start questioning the skull motifs on their caps.
** As we meet our "heroes", Hans (Robert) is on the phone and his comrade Erich[[note]] Named as such in the ''Secret Policeman's Ball'' and the original radio versions of the sketch.[[/note]] (David) is looking at his cap.
--->'''Hans:''' Very well. ''(hangs up)'' They're coming. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS division.\\
'''Erich:''' ''(putting his cap on)'' Er.... Hans....\\
'''Hans:''' Have courage, my friend!\\
'''Erich:''' Yeah. Er.... Hans, I've just noticed something.\\
'''Hans:''' ''(looking through binoculars)'' These Communists are all cowards!\\
'''Erich:''' Have you looked at our caps recently?\\
'''Hans:''' ''(lowers binoculars)'' Our caps?\\
'''Erich:''' The badges on our caps. Have you looked at them?\\
'''Hans:''' What?... No... A bit.\\
'''Erich:''' ...They've got skulls on them.\\
'''Hans:''' Hm?\\
'''Erich:''' Have you noticed our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?\\
'''Hans:''' Er... I don't, erm...\\
'''Erich:''' Hans... [[HeelRealization are we the baddies?]]
** Later, Erich still can't get over the fact that the skulls seem to imply that he and Hans are on the wrong side of good and evil:
--->'''Hans:''' Well - maybe they're the skulls of our enemies!\\
'''Erich:''' Maybe. But is that how it comes across? I mean, it doesn't say next to the skull, y'know, "Yeah, we killed him, but trust us, this guy was horrid"!\\
'''Hans:''' Well, no, but-\\
'''Erich:''' I mean, what do skulls make you think of? Death. Cannibals. Beheading. Erm... pirates...\\
'''Hans:''' ''(brightening)'' Pirates are fun!\\
'''Erich:''' I didn't say we weren't fun, but, fun or not, pirates are still the baddies. I just can't think of anything good about a skull!\\
'''Hans:''' What about pure Aryan skull shape?\\
'''Erich:''' Even ''that'' is more usually depicted with the skin still on! Whereas the Allies--\\
'''Hans:''' Oh, you haven't been listening to Allied propaganda? Of course they're gonna say we're the bad guys!\\
'''Erich:''' But they didn't get to design our uniforms! And their symbols are all, y'know, quite nice! Stars, stripes, lions, sickles...\\
'''Hans:''' What's so good about a sickle?\\
'''Erich:''' Well, nothing, obviously, and if there's one thing we've learned in the last thousand miles of retreat, it's that Russian agriculture is in dire need of mechanisation!\\
'''Hans:''' Tell me about it!\\
'''Erich:''' But you've gotta say, it's better than a skull! I mean, I really can't think of anything worse, as a symbol, than a skull!\\
'''Hans:''' ''(thinks)'' A rat's.... anus?\\
'''Erich:''' Yeah. And if we were fighting an army marching under the banner of a rat's anus, I'd probably be a lot less worried, Hans!\\
''(Hans puts a cigarette in his mouth and sets down an ashtray - shaped like a skull. As he absorbs this, he and Erich see one of their comrades drinking out of [[SkullCups a mug with a skull on the side]], and another knitting a scarf with a skull pattern)''\\
'''Hans:''' ...Okay. So... ''([[ScrewThisImOuttaHere he and Erich suddenly bolt from the table and run for it]])''
* The snooker commentators also get a good one, when a player not noted for his calm disposition loses a frame due to a fluke shot: "Oh my God, he's fluked it! Barry Drebins has fluked a pot, and he's ''as good as dead''!!!"
-->'''Ted:''' And isn't it nice to see Barry Evans take time out to apologise to his opponent for his good fortune.\\
'''Peter:''' It's a comprehensive apology, Ted, which is understandable when you look at Terry [=McCarthy=]... who has gone [[TranquilFury very still]].
** Said ill-tempered snooker player is considered a "colourful, big-hearted, big-fisted credit to the sport" by those in the snooker community for several reasons... most of them apparently to do with fear.
--->'''Peter:''' You can see the frustration on Terry [=McCarthy=]'s face as he returns to his seat.\\
'''Ted:''' Not a look to be taken lightly... especially at around two in the morning on the streets of Derby, if the media's to be believed.\\
'''Peter:''' Well, Terry is no stranger to adversity. Particularly in the form of the police. And he has spoken publicly, in moving terms, about that guy he cut.\\
'''Ted:''' I think he was right to put an end to the speculation, and it does sound to me like that guy he cut was basically asking for it.\\
'''Peter:''' Which is not to condone Terry's actions--\\
'''Ted:''' Terry's lightning-fast ''re''actions.\\
'''Peter:''' It's not to condone it in any way when we say it was that other guy's fault.\\
'''Ted:''' Certainly in the eyes of snooker, if not as it transpires those of so-called British justice.\\
'''Peter:''' I think the thing to remember here Ted is that both men involved are sorry. Terry has said publicly that he's sorry, and that other guy... well, he's ''bound'' to be sorry, isn't he. Every time he looks in the mirror.
** The Dog Poker sketches, featuring the same commentators... in dog costumes. And utterly bored with the whole thing. It'd be sad if it weren't so funny.
--->''Yes. Late Night Dog Poker. Rejected by the BBC, and commissioned by [[TakeThat Dave]].''
** Not to mention during the dog poker, Peter questions whose money exactly the dogs are betting with.
--->'''Ted:''' That's not clear, Peter. That's one of the many things about this show that's just not clear.
** There's also their conversation about a washed-up player who's made several bad investments of late.
--->'''Peter:''' Well, he's certainly been struggling for form.\\
'''Ted:''' He's been struggling for ''money'', is what he's been struggling for, Peter. And he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man clear up.\\
'''Peter:''' Yes, young Terry Stevens there, potting away like the whole world's made of pocket.\\
'''Ted:''' While Jimmy there is ''out'' of pocket. In more ways than one.\\
''[Ted and Peter begin falling over themselves with a truly absurd amount of laughter, made even better by the fact that they would be roaring if they weren't massive chain-smokers, but are instead wheezing emphysemically like men at death's door.]''\\
'''Peter:''' ''Out... of pocket!!''\\
'''Ted:''' Yes, that was a good one.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E10Bp_mPXXA What I Reckon]]. Especially for regular readers of [[http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/ spEak You're bRanes]].
* All of the Numberwang sketches have several of these. In particular...

* The [[Film/JamesBond Agent]] [[TuxedoAndMartini Suave]] sketch, which is essentially a ''Film/CasinoRoyale2006'' spoof set in a casino where all the games are typical village fete things like 'guess the weight of a fruitcake', is entirely one of these.
* "THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT ALL OVER TELEVISION!"
* Queen Victoria's objection to the American Ambassador's gift of 20,000 linden trees... and the reason behind her objection - they smell like cum. And the Prime Minister's response to her objection.
-->"Do you know how hot I am? Under this hat? With this beard? This big Victorian beard, your majesty? I am boiling! I am covered in starch, and I am boiling, and I can barely move at home for little vases on stands or portraits of ill children praying! And what has been the point? What really has been the point of the last fifty years of being a Victorian if Queen Victoria herself is going to suddenly sidle over and ask me "can I smell cum"!
* The "Posh Dancing" sketch, where [[Literature/PrideAndPrejudice Mr. Darcy]] says what we've all been thinking.
-->'''Elizabeth:''' I confess I did not know.
-->'''Caroline:''' In faith, what would appear to be the summation of all that you "do not know", Miss Bennet, would make for quite th-
-->'''Darcy:''' Oh Caroline, would you '''PLEASE shut the FUCK UP'''!
* A 'behind the scenes' sketch where David and Robert are plotting the order of the sketches and where the 'miss' sketches should be arranged around the 'hit' ones (in reference to the common sketch-show criticism that the sketches are always 'hit-and-miss'), before it becoming a meta-take on the common criticisms they receive. It ends like this:
-->'''Robert:''' ''[Very smugly]'' And people call us smug!\\
''[Both sit looking absurdly smug.]''
* ''Coverage Of People Buying A House And Then Living In It'', a parody of property shows. The host (David) and prospective buyer Geoff (Robert) clearly realise just how mundane the process is and make no attempt to disguise their boredom at having to make a television programme about it.
-->''(the Host and Geoff are standing in front of a suburban home)''\\
'''Host:''' Hello, and welcome back to ''Coverage Of People Buying A House And Then Living In It''. So, Geoff, you want to buy a house, here's a house, what do you think?\\
'''Geoff:''' ''(nods)'' Yeah.\\
'''Host:''' D'you like the house?\\
'''Geoff:''' Yeah, 's fine.\\
'''Host:''' Will Geoff be able to buy the house that's fine of his dreams, yes he will, it's in budget, isn't it Geoff.\\
'''Geoff:''' Yeah.\\
'''Host:''' That was not a close one.\\
'''Geoff:''' No.\\
'''Host:''' We'll be catching up with Geoff when he's bought his house, which is ''(jump cut to the host and Geoff in the front hallway of the house)'' now, Geoff, you're now living in your house.\\
'''Geoff:''' Yeah.\\
'''Host:''' What's that like?\\
'''Geoff:''' 'S all right, just doing a bit of DIY, putting some shelves up, but nothing major.\\
'''Host:''' We'll be catching up with Geoff's attempt to live his "having things on shelves" dreams ''(jump cut; the host and Geoff have swapped places and there is now a shelf on the hallway wall with a jar on it)'' now, how are the shelves?\\
'''Geoff:''' Useful.\\
'''Host:''' Well, that's fascinating. So, to sum up, Geoff, who you don't know, has bought a house and is now living in it, having put up some shelves, and I think we can all agree that that's basically a good thing. Join me next week when I'll be presenting ''Coverage Of People Renting A Flat And Then Going To The Shops To Buy Some Food To Eat In It''.
** And ''Coverage of People Who Are Ill In Hospital Receiving Treatment''. The host has the same tone of aggressive boredom he had for the property show.
-->'''Host:''' Dave, you're ill.\\
'''Dave:''' That's right, I've got gallstones.\\
'''Host:''' They've been taken out?\\
'''Dave:''' Indeed.\\
'''Host:''' They been removed but everything wonderful?\\
'''Dave:''' No, [[CrossesTheLineTwice a nurse fingered me.]]\\
'''Host:''' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Blimey.]]\\
''[after a cutaway of less than a minute]''\\
'''Host:''' Thanks Julie. Now, we've had a bit of a cock-up here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.
** The cutaway itself is of Jillian talking with a man called Chris, who's broke his arm.
-->'''Jillian:''' How'd you break your arm, Chris?\\
'''Chris:''' ''(shrugs apathetically)'' Jus' broke.\\
'''Jillian:''' That's an interesting story. And they're going to put it in plaster later?\\
'''Chris:''' That is the plan, yeah.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THNPmhBl-8I "Brain Surgery",]] a sketch that's ridiculously funny even though you can see the punchline a mile away (as the audience clearly does).
-->''[after several minutes of brain surgeon Lionel patronising other guests at a party for having jobs that aren't "exactly brain surgery", he is introduced to latecomer Geoff]''\\
'''Woman''': Oh, Geoff, they keep you late at the space centre? (''audience laugh over Geoff's line'') Have you met Lionel?\\
'''Geoff''': Er, no, hello Lionel.\\
'''Lionel:''' So, Geoff, how do you earn a crust?\\
'''Geoff:''' Well, I'm a scientist, I work mainly with rockets. (''more laughter'') It's... it's, erm, pretty tough work. What do you do?\\
'''Lionel:''' ''[haughtily]'' Well, I don't mean to boast, but, er, I'm a brain surgeon.\\
'''Geoff:''' Brain surgery. ''[sips his glass of champagne]'' Not exactly rocket science, is it?
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lxpNec3UAg The Lazy Writers doing a science-fiction show]].
-->'''Female ensign:''' Captain! The little green men have made a hole in the silver wall with their laser thingy, and now the space is getting in!\\
'''Captain:''' Quick! Everyone put on those special motorcycle helmets we use for breathing! We're humans -- we breathe air, not space!
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekx3unEYYWg The Green Clarinet.]]
** I... wet the bed until I was twelve, until I was twelve, until I was twelve. I wet the bed until I was twelve, I had wet legs in the morning!
** I secretly harbour racist views, racist views, racist views. I secretly harbour racist views, I don't think Asians drive well!
** Near the end of the sketch, the Green Clarinet Man demands Alan to him the the Green Clarinet back as he abused the power of it. Unfortunately for the Green Clarinet Man, Alan uses the power of the clarinet on him, making him admit that his Mum made his costume and how he's not allowed near local schools before running away bursting into tears.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFxAleTesqA Rob's idea to make the doorbell obsolete.]] The best part is David's eerily calm tone as he explains why the positives (knowing who's at the door before you answer it) may be outweighed by the negatives ("A broken window, a dead or severely injured dog, the need to carry a large cannon around with you, not to mention the possiblity that you're intending to visit several houses and will need to carry several dogs.") It's nothing like the indignant ranting we've come to expect from him, but it's no less hilarious.
* The historical recreationist's sketch.
-->"STOP! ... ''It's racist.'' It's really, really racist."
* The Caveman Police sketch.
-->'''Caveman:''' Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technology has been a bit of a double-edged sword.
-->'''Ursula:''' A what?
-->'''Caveman:''' Nothing.
-->'''Ursula:''' No, what did you just say?
-->'''Caveman:''' I've no idea.

* The "Incredibly Posh Person Who Unaccountably is Still A Waiter", the "Incredibly Sinister and Twisted Person Who Unaccountably Is Still A Vicar" and the "Incredibly Posh And Aristocratic People Who Unaccountably Sells Clothes". It may be pretty much the same joke each time, but it's still funny, helped by David Mitchell's performances.
-->'''Woman:''' Excuse me, what happened to the incredibly nice Australian girl with the colourful jumper we met last week?
-->'''Incredibly Sinister Vicar:''' She's ''gone'', child. They're all ''gone'', banished by the bishop! I know where they're going ''eventually''. In the meantime, ''Daventry!''
* When it's not crossing a line twice, The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!
** Sir Digby and Ginger stealing a Bunsen burner and a few other Science equipment from a local school.
--> '''Ginger:''' I think we've got the makings of crystal meths here, sir!
--> '''Sir Digby:''' It's gonna be an Easter weekend to remember!

* [[LargeHam Raymond Terrific]], host of Big Talk, has a number of these, but this (when dealing with the question of "Is there a God?") takes the cake:
-->'''Tim''': Well, there is no yes or no answer, and…
-->'''Raymond''': WHAT!? I can think of two yes or no answers just off the top of my head!
** Then, for Comic Relief, it's made into Small Talk, and Raymond makes absolutely no secret of much he hates the format change.