History Funny / MocktheWeek

'''Milton''': Three years I've been on [[FarSideIsland this island]] with nothing to look at but the sea and the sand and [[FailedASpotCheck that bridge]]. (''{{Double Take}}s'')

-->'''Zoe''': And now on Channel Five, we explore the bizarre underworld of [[BrainsAndBondage bondage ballroom dancing]]. It's ''[[PunBasedTitle Cum]] Series/{{Strictly|ComeDancing}}''.

--->'''James:''' (chanting, clapping) [[Creator/MichaelRosen We're going on a bear hunt]]!... We just shot Literature{{Paddington|Bear}} and turned Literature/WinnieThePooh into a fucking rug! We're not scared...\\
'''Ellie''': And then Literature/{{Paddington|Bear told the lady bear to brace herself before flipping her over and opening a fresh jar of [[TrademarkFavoriteFood marmalade]]... ''(mimes opening a jar and scooping out a pawful of marmalade, with a perverted and worryingly intense look on her face)''

-->'''''C.''''' -- [''[[{{Corpsing bursts out laughing]]'']

** '''Andy''': Do you think kids spend too much time with their UsefulNotes/PlayStation? Answer Cross, Triangle, Circle, or Square.

--> '''David Mitchell:''' The dress? Oh... Primark.\\

'''James Acaster:''' One dry Martini, shaken, not stirred, and...[[PlotSensitiveItems four Jägerbombs.]]\\

-->'''James Acaster:''' It's another gadget, Bond. This is something to distract your enemies: [[ImpossiblyTackyClothes Some light-up trainers for no reason]]. ''(cuts to a shot of Sarah's shoes)''

'''Frankie:''' ''(Creator/SeanConnery voice)'' We'd better slow down, [[BigBrotherIsWatching there are speed cameras.]]
'''Hugh:''' I hope you're not going to be one of those Russian agents whose name is just a cheap sexual pun, Miss Sukmioff.\\

'''Hugh:''' I hope you're not going to be one of those Russian agents whose name is just a cheap sexual pun, Miss Sukmioff.

'''Andy:''' And [[UsefulNotes/ElizabethII the Queen]] there, majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings from...''(drowned out by audience laughter)''\\

'''Glenn Moore:''' She was a Hollywood actress in a sorted version of ''Snog, Marry, Avoid''. ''Creator/WinonaRyder: [[RuleOfThree Win, Own or Write Her]]''.\\

--> '''Hugh:''' Start your Chigwell Holiday Inn. Essex plumbers for all your plumbing needs. [[RuleOfThree Visit our beautiful forest.]] ''[[Film/ThreeBillboardsOutsideEbbingMissouri Three Billboards Outside Epping.]]''\\

-->"Hello and welcome to Let's Decorate The Shit Out of This House!!! This week, we're decorating the shit out of a three bed semi in oftingdon, (''claps hands'') so LET'S DO IT! LET'S DECORATE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!"\\

* Unlikely Things To Get Through Your Letterbox: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Need a dog-walking service? Call Ace Kebabs, 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Need an undertaker?" and, for RuleOfThree, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... ''formerly...''"

--->"Hello and welcome to Let's Decorate The S*** Out of This House!!! This week, we're decorating the s*** out of a three bed semi in oftingdon, (''claps hands'') so LET'S DO IT! LET'S DECORATE THE S*** OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!"\\
"Hello and welcome to Let's Cook Some S*** Out of Some Dinner!!!"\\
"Hello and welcome to I'M GOING TO SELL THESE ANTIQUES IF IT F***ING KILLS ME!"

--->'''Hugh:''' I will not be running in 2020. [[BaitAndSwitch I will be skipping.]] ''(skips around the stage, then returns after Sukh Ojla can't think of what to say to do a victory lap)''\\

(cut to Dara laughing his head off - Angela Barnes steps up after Ed but ends up corpsing)

-->''' Carl Donnelly:''' [[Film/Terminator2JudgmentDay I want your clothes, your boots]], and your unicycle.

'''Ed Byrne''': I'm on the scene, where the search continues for the beloved [[Theatre/{{Pantomime}} pantomime]] star... What's that? He's where?? ''(looks around in exaggerated fashion)''\\

-->'''''C.''''' -- [''bursts out laughing'']

** And finally:

-->'''James:''' [''screaming in mock horror''] AAGH!! AHH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! ...ugh, it's tunnels, I'm so scared of tunnels.

-->[''Milton walks off looking annoyed at his "mistake", leaving the audience (and Ed Byrne) in hysterics'']

* A suggestion by Sara Pascoe for "[[https://youtu.be/MEK_AGjRY-o?t=2m47s Lines you wouldn't hear on a detective show]]": "I shoot my gun like I shoot my load -- into my hand." The reaction is so strong that Hugh steps up to the mike, thinks, then walks away.

'''Hugh:''' He put the chocolates down beside her. {{Silence}}, and then, at last, she spoke..."[[PlotSensitiveItems Unexpected item in the bagging area.]]"\\

'''Milton''': "You could make love!" she said. "Or 'vole'," he replied, looking up from their game of Scrabble.\\

-->'''Zoe''': And now on Channel Five, we explore the bizarre underworld of [[BrainsAndBondage bondage ballroom dancing]]. It's ''[[PunBasedTitle Cum]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strictly_Come_Dancing Strictly]]''.

--->'''Milton''': ''Thesaurus: The Movie... The Film... The Flick...'' ({{beat}} as audience laughs) ''[[OverlyLongGag The (buzzed) Motion Picture...]]'' (clearly {{corpsing}} as he backs out)\\

--->'''James:''' (chanting, clapping) We're going on a bear hunt!... We just shot Paddington and turned Winnie the Pooh into a fucking rug! We're not scared...\\
'''Ellie''': And then [[Literature/PaddingtonBear Paddington]] told the lady bear to brace herself before flipping her over and opening a fresh jar of [[TrademarkFavoriteFood marmalade]]... ''(mimes opening a jar and scooping out a pawful of marmalade, with a perverted and worryingly intense look on her face)''

Hello and welcome to Let's Cook Some S*** Out of Some Dinner!!!"\\
Hello and welcome to I'M GOING TO SELL THESE ANTIQUES IF IT F***ING KILLS ME!"

--->"Hello and welcome to Let's Cook Some S*** Out of Some Dinner!!!"\\
--->"Hello and welcome to I'M GOING TO SELL THESE ANTIQUES IF IT F***ING KILLS ME!"

** '''Hugh''': Was Elizabeth the first? No? Then who ''did'' you lose your virginity to?

** '''Hugh''': This is a picture of Napoleon Bonaparte. Which part of Napoleon's boner is it?

** '''Micky''': What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? [[IncrediblyLamePun Discuss]].
** '''Ed B.''': Geography: Locate Copenhagen, den mark it on de map.

** '''Hugh''': If Mary has six apples, Thomas has four apples, and Gavin has a knife, who has the apples?

** '''Hugh''': Translate the following into German: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Hosf86OLxM Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah]]".[[note]]A chant sung by supporters of the England national football team to the tune of "Camptown Races" as part of the England–Germany football rivalry. It refers to the United Kingdom's victories in the First and Second World Wars, and England's 4-2 victory against West Germany after extra time in the final of the 1966 FIFA World Cup.[[/note]]
** '''David Mitchell:''' [[UsefulNotes/VladimirPutin Vladimir]] has [[UsefulNotes/RussiansWithRustingRockets 10,000 tanks]]; [[UsefulNotes/GeorgiaEurope you]] have three. [[TooDumbToLive Why would you]] [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_South_Ossetia_war start a war?]] Discuss.

*** Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
** '''Milton''': Cornwall has no capital: false or [[IncrediblyLamePun Truro]]?
** '''Hugh''': Theology: Is there a God? You better hope so, look at this next question.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZRpCceUx1U Monsoon Poultry Hospital]].
** For context, "If This Is The Answer What Is The Question" threw up the line "Chickens, Nurses, and Rain". Before it spread across eps, there was this gem from Milton:

'''Hugh''': If a Minicab says it's 3 minutes away, how many m-\\

-->'''Rob Beckett:''' Is it "how many people just got fired after that light exploded?"

'''Dara:''' "''Now'' you tell me."\\
'''Ed Byrne:''' [[TheCasanova "Man, who's bringing]] ''[[TheCasanova down]]'' [[TheCasanova that average?"]]

-->'''Andy Parsons:''' How many of the words spoken by Music/KanyeWest are about Kanye West?[[note]]Even better, he pronounces Kanye as "Can-Ye", causing the others to rib him mercilessly, like Romesh saying "It sounds like you are asking someone if they are able to 'west'!".[[/note]]

-->'''Romesh Ranganathan:''' I'll tell you what it could be - honestly - what proportion of that team[[note]]Rob Beckett, Tiff Stephenson, and Andy Parsons[[/note]] have I seen completely butt naked? ''[Andy shrugs, Tiff looks to either side of her...and Rob cheerfully raises his hand and indicates it was him]''
-->'''Miles Jupp:''' ''[with an evil grin]'' Think of a fraction that sounds funny if you say it with an Irish accent?
-->'''Dara O'Briain:''' ''[he sighs]'' Yes, the fraction I say as "one-''turd''"...
-->'''Miles Jupp:''' Yes, that's it - what a funny country!
-->''' Dara O'Briain:''' ''[he glares at him as the others break down in laughter - including some hilarious wheezing from Romesh - and then sweetly replies]'' [[TakeThat You're not on Radio 4 yet!]]

** '''Ed B.''': Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?

** '''Frankie''': Describe [[UranusIsShowing Uranus]] without telling your parents.

** '''Russelll''': Using Darwin's Theory of Evolution, explain Boris Johnson.

** '''Andy''': Your mum's a slag. Discuss.

** '''Ed B.''': What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally mean?

** '''Ed B.''': What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally mean?

'''Dara O'Briain:''' Okay, your category is "Sport" -\\

'''Dara O'Briain:''' Sorry - ''[to Hal]'' You want to do that again, are you all right?\\
'''Hal Cruttenden:''' Hit my knee! ''[he groans in pain while he rubs it]''\\
'''Dara O'Briain:''' You hit your knee for ''no reason''. Somebody said the category is "Sport" and you had a spasm in your leg?!\\
'''Hal Cruttenden:''' ''[he nods sagely]'' I know!

-->'''Dara O'Briain:''' I'm Dara O'Brigeen - oh, for goodness - ''my own name''. That's my name now!\\
'''Hugh Dennis:''' What was fantastic about that is that it almost came out as "Dara Aubergine".\\
'''Dara O'Briain:''' Dara Aubergine. Perhaps you know me from my emoji? ''[knowing look]''

* Series 19 episode 2: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwuvcuMlztg it looks like someone's bleached the]] [[Franchise/DespicableMe Minions]].

--->'''Ed Gamble''': Dear Deirdre, my girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, [[JustForPun how can I wipe the slate clean]]?

** Hugh Dennis delivers one in "Unlikely Things to Hear on Daytime TV":

'''Chris''': [[Literature/TheGruffalo A stringfellow? What's a stringfellow?\\
A stringfellow? Why, didn't you know?]]\\