History Funny / MedievalIITotalWar

--> Scotsman: I'LL CUT OFF YARR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YARR NECK!

* The absolutely ridiculous ways spies sneak into places and the strange ways your assassin can fail. How about putting a [[AnimalAssassin venomous snake]] on the ground of a general's bedroom and having it slither right out of the room or even better, the [[HoistByHisOwnPetard snake bites the assassin]]. Or the assassin hiding behind a door and the general opens it so fast, the assassin gets hit in by the door in the nose or, even better, ends up accidentally stabbing himself when the door hits him while the general runs away screaming. Ever see a spy hide in a bush or haystack and get stabbed by a suspicious guard? Or try to shoot the Pope, only to hit his massive hat? Or most ridiculous of all, trying to drop a rock on a calvaryman?

* On some occasions, a enemy Prince will give you a mission to kill his father so that he can take power of his almost ruined kingdom. He will inevitably betray you if you succeed. However, many times, his father will be in their faction's last city. You can kill his father as requested and he will laugh at you for doing his bidding at the ''exact moment'' his faction falls and he becomes a rebel (unlike the later Rome 2, rebels can reform destroyed factions).

--> French General: Saint Denis preserve us! [[RantInducingSlight I have seldom seen a more dispiriting sight than the English army]]. They have [[LongList no sense of style, no élan, no manly virtues, no reason to live, no decent food, no attractive womenfolk and their leaders - why, the Devil himself would be shamed to have them in Hell!]]

--> Enemy Fleet: [[CaptainObvious That's right, fool, this is an enemy ship.]]

--> Enemy Fleet: [[CaptainObvious Yes, fool, this is an enemy ship.]]

--> Mongol General: [to his enemy] Struggle if you like, I will take your lands and women, regardless; You will have no rights, once you are my prisoner; Was it your brother I killed? You all look alike to me.

* The game seems dead set on it being nearly impossible to [[DoubleStandard assassinate a princess.]] It almost ALWAYS ends in the assassin getting killed. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Also, the princess has a nicer bed than anyone else in the

* The game seems dead set on it being impossible to [[DoubleStandard assassinate a princess.]] It ALWAYS ends in the assassin getting killed. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Also, the princess has a nicer bed than anyone else in the game...]][[note]]Princesses actually have a hidden trait to protect them against assassins and inquisitors.[[/note]]
** Well, almost always. You ''can'' kill a princess with assassination (I've done it), you'll just probably need SaveScumming to get lucky enough.

* The absolutely ridiculous ways spies sneak into places and the strange ways your assassin can fail. How about putting a [[AnimalAssassin venomous snake]] on the ground of a general's bedroom and having it slither right out of the room or even better, the [[HoistByHisOwnPetard snake bites the assassin]]. Or the assassin hiding behind a door and the general opens it so fast, the assassin gets hit in by the door in the nose or, even better, is KILLED by the door while the general runs away screaming. Ever see a spy hide in a bush or haystack and get stabbed by a suspicious guard? Or try to shoot the Pope, only to hit his massive hat? Or most ridiculous of all, trying to drop a rock on a calvaryman?