History Funny / MarcusDidiusFalco

* ''Shadows in Bronze''. The [[AnythingThatMoves amorous adventures]] of Nero the (supposedly castrated) ox. That eventually gets Falco arrested for ''blasphemy'' (for giving the ox an Emperor's name, for the record).

'''[[UpToEleven RUMEX IS STRONGER THAN HERCULES]]'''\\

''[[BiggusDickus AND HIS [DOODLE] IS BIGGER TOO]]''\\

-->Anacrites also owned the biggest statue of the ripe god Pan copulating with a goat in heat that I had ever seen. And I am the son of an antique-dealer.
* The scene in ''Last Act In Palmyra'' where the players bump into some Christians, get preached to and end up beating them up and running for their lives (and souls) made this troper laugh.
** Or the introduction of each chapter, which is written in the form of a play.

-->'''RUMEX CAN HAVE APPOLONIA ANYTIME HE WANTS'''
-->''[[ReallyGetsAround HE HAD HER LAST WEEK!]]''
-->'''HE'S DEAD IF I CATCH HIM'''''-[[MamaBear Appolonia's Mother]]''
-->''RUMEX IS HERCULES''
-->'''[[UpToEleven RUMEX IS STRONGER THAN HERCULES]]'''
-->''[[BiggusDickus AND HIS [DOODLE] IS BIGGER TOO]]''
-->I even spotted in rather shy, small letters on a temple column an impassioned mutter of:
-->''[-Rumex stinks!!!-]''

-->'''Falco''': He's an idiot! I should have found out earlier-
-->'''Helena''': How could you? He never would have just admitted, ''Yes, Your Honour, I'm an idiot.''

--> "Do what you like but don't attract attention from the military. Turn up for dinner on time. Children under seven to be in bed before dinner. No dogs on the reading couches. [[BreadEggsMilkSquick All fornication to be conducted in silence.]]"

-->'''Narrator''': The following year Domitian awarded himself his seventeenth consulship. Statius wrote a poem.
-->'''Vinius''': Oh go on, surprise me!
-->'''Lucilla''': I knew you would mock.
-->'''Vinius''': Grovelling bastard.

-->'''Domitia''': I must tell you my delight for your wondrous and moving performance.
-->'''Paris''': Augusta, the delight is all mine! Please let me move you some more by [[UnusualEuphemism tumbling you]] among these [[LampshadeHanging conveniently-placed stage-props.]]
-->'''Domitia''': Oh I can't… Oh I want to… I can…

-->1. ''Why?''
-->2. ''Where, when, how, who?''
-->3. ''Which unlucky bugger do we choose to go next?''

-->'''Petro''': Shut up a minute. ''Falco & Partner: a select service for discerning clients.''
-->'''Falco''': Sounds like a cheap brothel.
-->'''Petro''': Have faith, lad.
-->'''Falco''': Or an overpriced shoemaker. ''Falco & Partner: try our triple-stitched calfskin slipperettes. As worn by all decadent layabouts, sheer luxury at the arena and the perfect lounging shoes for orgies-''
-->'''Petro''': You're a dog, Falco.

-->''[[BadAss RUMEX IS HERCULES]]''

--> "Do what you like but don't attract attention from the military. Children under seven to be in bed before dinner. No dogs on the reading couches. [[BreadEggsMilkSquick All fornication to be conducted in silence.]]"

* This wonderful line from ''Saturnalia'':
-->Anacrites also owned the biggest statue of the ripe god Pan copulating with a goat in heat that I had ever seen. And I am the son of an antique-dealer.

* Thanks to a racehorse Falco owned in ''Shadows In Bronze'' [[spoiler: who wins, against all odds], Titus Caesar promises to send him a turbot. Falco half-jokingly invites Titus to get a sampling taste of it after it arrives and he's had a chance to cook it, but he doesn't really take said invite seriously. Then, in ''Venus in Copper'', the turbot arrives--and it is huge. Falco doesn't have any pots or pans of the requisite size, so he ends up using a bronze round shield--a cheap knockoff souvenir his brother Festus had previously acquired--as poaching pan. Soon, however, he realizes it is too shallow--just when his mother arrives with a huge washbasin from Lenia's laundry (Falco is apprehensive, because who knows what has been washed in that basin). After a brief discussion with his mother, Falco invites a few of his sisters, along with Petro and his family, to sample the fish. Falco's brothers-in-law, naturally, follow along even without being invited. At the party itself, many of the ingredients for the sauce used to poach the fish are either misplaced or substituted for something else due to confusion, Falco's sisters are advising him left and right about how to cook the fish, and an old couch from Camillus Verus's house gets delivered at just that moment so Falco's in-laws start shifting it about and trying to arrange it properly with much ado and fuss. [[spoiler:Things then take a turn for the dramatic when Helena arrives; Falco had not expected her to come, and she came packed and ready to stay. Things naturally lead to a lover's spat in private,]] so Falco has to cheer up his unexpected guest. [[spoiler:Then a couple of Praetorians come knocking; Titus himself has arrived...]]

* While this may not be politically correct, the reveal in ''Shadows in Bronze'' of [[spoiler:Aemilius Rufus being homosexual--and Falco's reaction to his attempts at seducing him.]]

* Thanks to a wager Falco had made in ''Shadows in Bronze'', Titus Caesar had promised to send him a turbot. Falco half-jokingly invites Titus to get a sampling taste of it after it arrives and he's had a chance to cook it, but doesn't make too much of the occasion. Then, in ''Venus in Copper'', the turbot arrives--and it is huge. Falco doesn't have any pots or pans of the requisite size, so he ends up using a bronze round shield--a cheap knockoff souvenir his brother Festus had previously acquired--as poaching pan. Soon, however, he realizes it is too shallow--just when his mother arrives with a huge washbasin from Lenia's laundry (Falco is apprehensive, because who knows what has been washed in that basin). After a brief discussion with his mother, Falco invites a few of his sisters, along with Petro and his family, to sample the fish. Falco's brothers-in-law, naturally, follow along even without being invited. At the party itself, many of the ingredients for the sauce used to poach the fish are either misplaced or substituted for something else due to confusion, Falco's sisters are advising him left and right about how to cook the fish, and an old couch from Camillus Verus's house gets delivered at just that moment so Falco's in-laws start shifting it about and trying to arrange it properly with much ado and fuss. [[spoiler:Things then take a turn for the dramatic when Helena arrives; Falco had not expected her to come, and she came packed and ready to stay. Things naturally lead to a lover's spat in private,]] so Falco has to cheer up his unexpected guest. [[spoiler:Then a couple of Praetorians come knocking; Titus himself has arrived...]]

-->'''Petro''': You're a dog, Falco.