History Funny / ManyATrueNerdParadoxGames

* Jon decides to experience the new expansion not as a regular MegaCorp, but as the [[JustForPun Owlmerta Syndicate]], an avian criminal syndicate run by a [[SpacePirates "Pirate King."]]

** When showing off the various initiatives available to the Galactic Community, Jon puts all his diplmoatic weight beyond Regulatory Facilitation, which improves planetary productivity at the cost of habitability. Or in other words:

[[folder: One-Off Videos]]

* Jon gets sad when he invades the Brightest Quack, and gives a forlorn little [[WesternAnimation/DuckTales "woo-oo"]] when his fleet arrives over Duckburg.

* ''Crusader Kings III - This Is Ghana Be Good'', Jon's early look at the game.
** He starts off with a disclaimer that Paradox was sponsoring the video and that "I don't know why to be honest, I would have payed them."
** The goal of his playthrough as Maghan Zoumana of Ghana is to accumulate the biggest brood of children possible, so the first thing he does in the game is divorce his wife so that he can marry a new, better wife, who will hopefully pass her Fecund trait to their offspring.
--->'''Jon:''' A giant pile of kids is good, but a giant pile of kids that can start producing their ''own'' kids, that's exponential kids!
** But Jon points out that one wife might not be enough, "because if you think about it, even if you get your wife pregnant, that's going to take nine months or whatever, then she'll probably want a bit of downtime with the baby, that's ''at most'' one child per year. I'm already thirty-seven, we don't have time for this!" Fortunately, his religion allows concubinage for a bit of "outsourcing." And due to a lack of eligible women in his court, Jon ends up taking on his ex-wife as a concubine.
---> '''Jon''': Which is... is that sweet or monstrous? I'm not really sure - okay, seriously, Christmas is entering a brand new level of Awkward right now.
** This leads to Jon musing that having multiple wives would be very useful in his day-to-day life, prompting an ImagineSpot of him introducing a video.
--->'''Jon:''' Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jon-\\
'''Claire:''' I'm Claire!\\
'''Sophie:''' I'm Sophie!\\
'''Jen:''' I'm Jen!\\
'''Rachael:''' I'm Rachael with an A!\\
'''Ruby:''' I'm Ruby!\\
'''Allison:''' I'm Allison!\\
'''Mattophobia:''' I'm Matt!\\
'''Ella:''' I'm Ella!\\
'''Myra:''' I'm Myra!\\
'''Laura:''' I'm Laura!\\
'''Jon:''' [[TrollingCreator And welcome to]] ''VideoGame/KnightsOfTheOldRepublic!'' Now unfortunately, we still have to do the outro, so that's actually all the time we've got for this week. Hopefully we'll begin the game next week, we shall see. But in the meantime I've been Jon-\\
'''Claire:''' I've been Claire!\\
'''Rachael:''' I've been Rachael with an A-\\
(''back to CK 3'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, that sounds like a bad idea, let's never consider that again.
** He's perplexed that his wife keeps out-performing his concubines when it comes to popping out children.
--->'''Jon:''' What am I paying you for - assuming I'm paying you, I don't know whether I actually pay you, am I paying you? No, it turns out as a tribe leader, I'm not actually paying anybody. Okay, so they're just here because they want to be, spectacular.
** "This feels unnecessary, but I suppose I need to seduce my concubines, otherwise they're not going to do their job."
** When Jon and his harem only manage to produce one kid over two years, he decides to pivot from the Family focus to Seduction.
---> '''Jon''': It's basically the same thing, except we just redefine "family" a bit wider to mean "basically anybody I fancy."
** He sets his sights on a courtier with the Giant trait, "which the game sort of seems to be selling as a bad thing. No, we will breed a race of super-giants, it's going to be ''amazing!"''
--->'''Jon:''' Seduce her immediately, using a ladder if necessary!
** Ten minutes into the video, Jon has a wife, two concubines, and five lovers, but only six children to show for his efforts. "I feel like this isn't the efficient child production line I was hoping for."
** One of Jon's infidelities comes out, which is a problem since male adultery is a crime under Zoumana's religion.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, nobody mention that another one of my lovers is my priestess, of a religion in which it's a crime to have lovers. But she's not just my lover, she's also my concubine. But is having her like... am I crossing a professional line? Like, you're only supposed to have "professional" sex with your concubines, but if they become lovers, then you're like having sex off the clock? Like, outside nine-to-five - I don't know, I'm not sure whether I'm committing a crime right now!
** "Okay, I really ought to have taken notes about this, because I'm going to be honest - a woman called Safiatou has just shown up and has a son, who's mine, and I'm not sure whether she's making this up or not because I can't remember running into her previously..."
** "The situation right now is, I don't think I can become any more sinful. I'm not sure there's anything more sinful than Sinner. So at this point, as far as I'm concerned, [[ThenLetMeBeEvil all sinning is free!"]]
** "Okay, so, I'm pretty sure the large pile of adultery, legitimization [of bastards], and other behavior means that at this point, my wife sort of hates me. So yeah, naturally there's only one thing to do at this point... and that's get rid of her and find a new one!"
** Instead of altering his behavior to be less sinful in the eyes of his religion, Jon decides to reform his religion to approve of his behavior, which will require lots of Faith. Fortunately, he has access to HumanSacrifice and the ability to declare prisoner-gathering wars...
--->'''Jon:''' So if we just quickly go over to my prison here, you'll notice that this person is worth 25 Faith. I'm also gaining Dread, but that's absolutely fine, because this is ''holy'' burning, it's A-OK! ...The children are worth ''more?'' I'm not sure why murdering children is worth more Faith, but they are!
** "Slight miscalculation, I think I just accidentally stormed the town belonging to one of my lovers, who's now dead by being killed during the siege. Okay, I'm ''really sorry'' about that."
** Jon's impressed that it takes until his character is 56 for the "Too Much of a Good Thing" event to fire.
--->'''Jon:''' So yes, unfortunately, days of nothing but going on hunts, getting drunk, talking to people, having sex with everybody, it's just too much and I'm starting to get stressed out by it. So... okay, who do we want to get rid of? We're going to do this entirely by who's produced the most children.
** One cut later - "Much murder later, like ''so much'' murder later" - Jon has close to 4000 Piety, has lost track of how many people he's sacrificed, and realizes his grand plan has not unfolded as he hoped it would.
--->'''Jon:''' Y'see, I was trying to build up Piety so I could reform my religion, but unfortunately in doing so, I was going 'round, fighting wars to sacrifice people, which is a thing my religion likes. Also, we took several of my religion's holy sites, meaning basically... everyone's now really convinced my religion is great, and human sacrifice is A-OK. Kind of meant it as a means to an end, but instead, yeah, [[GoneHorriblyRight everyone's decided the religon's]] ''[[GoneHorriblyRight amazing]]''. [[GoneHorriblyRight Which means, trying to reform it is vastly more expensive, because everyone's decided it's really good to kill people.]] So, I've accidentally started a ''mass death cult''. That's bad, in a way, but in ''other'' ways it's not the worst thing, which is... I feel like that guy, in the fable or whatever, [[GiftOfTheMagiPlot who shaves off his mustache to buy combs for his wife, but it turns out his wife has actually cut off her hair,]] on this occasion probably to find a divorce lawyer under the circumstances. But yeah, I can't help but notice something - the whole reason I wanted to reform my religion was, y'know, so that my adultery wouldn't be a crime anymore, and also maybe, just maybe, we could bring in some Carnal Exaltation, so lustfulness would be a virtue and everyone has more sexy times. But um, yeah. I've spent so many years trying to make all of that happen, that I haven't actually had a child in ''fifteen years''. Yeah, because now I'm an old man who's probably having [[TheLoinsSleepTonight certain engineering and mechanical problems, if you know what I mean.]] So uh, yeah, I've spent my entire life desperately trying to have adultery legitimized, [[AllForNothing and in the end I'm actually past the point of wanting to do any adultery.]]
** Which begs the question of what Jon has to show for his character's life of sex and human sacrifice, which he can also answer:
--->'''Jon:''' Sixteen ''very good'' children, some of these kids are actually very, very good indeed. This is my heir, he's looking pretty good, not spectacular. I have got ten million flipping alliances and so many unmarried daughters [[AltarDiplomacy I could generate more any time I flipping want to.]] I have got stats of an emperor, since every single child and every single one of my friends is just contributing to my stats. So basically, yeah, it was WorthIt. Unless you were one of the people I sacrificed, in which case, it wasn't.
** "And thus, ladies and gentlemen, did the great king learn that in fact familly ''was'' everything, and children somehow ''could'' make you all-powerful. And that's all we're going to remember - we're going to sweep a fair bit of the rest of it under the rug, that's fine, not a problem, we'll just kind of skirt around the details, shall we say."
* ''Crusader Kings III - A Practical Guide to Torture, Madness and Profit''
** Jon decides to do a video playing as Duke Bertrand II of Provence, an Occitan ruler caught between French and Holy Roman politics, but who is well-suited for letting Jon explore the new schemes and plots available to an Intrigue focus.
--->'''Jon:''' He may be a ''terrible'' diplomat, a poor military leader, a ''catastrophically'' incompetent administrator, and none too bright either, ''but'', but-but-but, [[ManipulativeBastard he is the most cunning bastard who ever bastarded.]] [...] A knife in every study, a rose in every bedchamber, a chain in every dungeon! Oh, it's going to be some good, dirty fun today!
** Bertrand's brother-in-law is second in line to inherit the Duchy of Toulouse, which would make Bertrand's sister a duchess and thus increase the Renown of House Bosonid. "So that, my good man, means yeah, it's time for our first murder. It's not gonna be our last, though, not by a long shot."
** Jon manages to kill the duke by agitating a peasant riot, with the happy side effect of getting his agents hanged in the process.
--->'''Jon:''' Dead men tell no tales. Goodbye you stupid losers, shouldn't have trusted someone who blatantly looks evil.
** Thirty minutes into the episode, after the birth of Bertrand's son, Jon realizes he should have assigned a guardian to his first child.
** Jon gets the [[MysteryMeat "Evening Meal"]] event, he assures himself that he "didn't ''necessarily'' [[TheSecretOfLongPorkPies eat children]]," considers becoming a cannibal anyway because it sounds fun, and ultimately decides the incident is a good excuse to try out the torture mechanics.
** The first obstacle to Jon seducing a guest is Bertrand's Zealous trait, because evidently "I'm fine with the ''murder'' sin, [[ValuesDissonance but the seduction sin is too far!"]] The bigger issue may be that...
--->'''Jon:''' "I'm not attracted to..." wait, what?!\\
(''SmashCut to Jon hovering over Bertrand's sexual orientation on his character sheet'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, I may have come across [[IncompatibleOrientation a small roadblock]] in my plan to seduce women and have more children.
** Forty-five minutes into the episode, Jon remembers to hit the Barbershop and customize his character with an appropriate [[BeardOfEvil scheming goatee.]]
** The Holy Roman Empire predictably explodes after losing a war with France, and Jon joins a faction and demands independence. His request is denied and Jon finds himself at war with the two-year-old Emperor Heinrich V.
--->'''Jon:''' Somehow a ''baby'' has ended up on the throne and is really annoyed with me, for uh, trying to do this. So the baby has written me a very eloquent letter, I imagine it was written by his regent, but you know what, maybe not? Maybe I'm about to go to war with a ''genius baby''. So that's fine, that's all absolutely A-OK. Can we murder the genius baby, by the way?
** "Oh gosh darn it, Barral [the cannibal] died befoer I remembered to flipping torture him again. So now I need to find someone else to torture. Okay guys, when we storm the castle, and you find anyone inside, bring them back to the actual dungeons, because we kind of need them."
** After winning a siege and taking some captives, Jon's hit with the dilemma of whether to torture them for Intrigue experience and potential Dark Insights, or ransoming them for gold.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, but... I mean... [[TakeAThirdOption why not both?]] [...] They're actually worth the same amount of money now as before I whipped them. Okay, you know what, that's perfectly acceptable. They are very, ''very'' keen to be ransomed by their dad.
** "Another siege leads to yet! More! Prisoners! Good, we have captured somebody's stepdaughter, his - ooh, yeah, that's the - oh. He's a baby." (''beat'') "Like... in ''some'' ways, you probably shouldn't torture babies. Okay, you ''can't'' Torture babies. [-You ''can'' Execute them, though...-] That's... that's got to be - okay, that would generate a fair amount of Dread. People are pretty scared of the person who murders a baby. But the only people who seem to actually ''mind'' would be his family, and I don't really ''care'' what this guy thinks, so... [-Okay, just in theory, how much would he pay for it? 50 gold. That's alright.-] That's okay, you can have him back for 50 gold. Honestly, I feel like I should be asking for more."
** Then Bertrand's brother-in-law, who he helped become Duke of Toulouse behind the scenes, declares war over the Prince-Bishopric of Viviers. Jon responds by forming the duchy of Viennois, which includes the disputed county, keeps the title for himself, starts a plot to assassinate the count with the claim, and plays defense while the plot progresses.
--->'''Jon:''' ''Oh flipping dear!'' It would appear your stupid war is over! That's ''such a shame'' that you're unexpectedly dead. Sorry, I'm just going to enjoy standing on my hill that still belongs to me, because an army five times my flipping side couldn't flipping take it! Now that, ''that's'' the power of murder!
** Since he's distributed his Intrigue perks across three different skill trees, Jon decides to "embrace the madness" and put Bertrand through a mental break to reset his skill trees and specialize in one, which generates a ton of Stress. One thoughtless remark at dinner later, and...
--->'''Jon:''' I just started weeping openly in the middle of court. Brilliant. What does it matter, don't care, everything's under control because my stats are ''through the flipping roof!''
** Unfortunately, high stats don't prevent certain max-Stress events from firing.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so my Intrigue's looking very good, but on the other hand, [[OffingTheOffspring I'm planning to murder my son,]] because I've become convinced that all the bad things are down to two things - it's either my son, or squirrels. So either my son dies, [[CaptainObvious and that's probably a bad thing,]] to be honest, in many ways. ''Or'', alternatively, the squirrels, ''they'' did it, at which point I become a Lunatic, which seems... honestly, not even that bad! I can live with that!\\
(''GilliganCut to "You have died."'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, on the ''other'' hand, possibly, repeatedly running myself around at the highest imaginable level of Stress, while insane and paranoid, I can see how that would have been quite bad for my health, yes. So, ''okay'', that - there are downsides to the "embracing chaos and let's all live in madness strategy," not going to deny.
** So Jon continues on as Dauphin Otton of Provence, who could try a different approach to ruling, "like ''not'' being a monster." He tries to Sway the neighboring Count Artau of Lyon to make him a VoluntaryVassal, which goes in an uncomfortable direction.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, this wasn't ''entirely'' what the original plan was, but I've invited Count Artau 'round for tea, and he wants to have [[RomanticCandlelitDinner a private dinner with my mum,]] which... [[ParentWithNewParamour apparently would stress me out,]] a bit, but he would have a ''really'' nice time. So I'm just gonna assume this is fine and say yes, because he's really starting to come around to me. Okay, my mum will agree that [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain we're just never going to acknowledge what just happened again.]]
** [[ShaggyDogStory And then everything is derailed and the episode ends with an unexpected war declaration.]]
--->'''Jon:''' And so as my capital is burnt to the ground by Lapland, which decided to, you know, just come on a nice holiday to the south of France... to be honest, fair enough. That's ''Crusader Kings III'', everyone!

[[folder:''Crusader Kings II'']]
In ''VideoGame/CrusaderKingsII'', Jon's adventures as one of the mightiest empires known to history: UsefulNotes/{{Cornwall}}.
* Earl Cadoc tries to lay low during [[MeleeATrois the Year(s) of the Three Kings,]] and while Norway, England and Normandy are occupied fighting over the throne of England, he quietly fabricates a claim and hires a mercenary army to take the neighboring county of Devon. Then, in the middle of the siege, William of Normandy decides he really needs to occupy the poorest corner of England, drawing in the Norwegians and sending Jon's paltry army fleeing.
-->'''Jon:''' Why would this happen?! Why would you come over to attack ''me?!''
* Apart from this, Jon spends most of the first episode as a CombatCommentator watching the foreign armies chasing each other across England. History goes OffTheRails when King Harald of Norway wins the war for the English crown and repels William the Bastard, leaving Cornwall among the former English vassals turned uneasy Norwegian clients.
* While Duke Cadoc snipes a county from Wales, Norway gets drawn into a two-front war against Sweden and Moray, which takes some unexpected turns at Norway's expense.
-->'''Jon:''' (''examining the map'') There's ''another'' flipping army of... Wait. "Army of ''Moray?"'' Hang on... ''the Scottish army's counter-invaded Norway!'' [[RefugeInAudacity You mad bastards!]]
* The second episode becomes a tense RaceAgainstTheClock to see whether the aging Duke Cadoc will reign for the required ten years before he's able to change his realm's succession laws so that it will pass to his heir in one piece. Just ''months'' before the deadline Cadoc falls ill, and Jon reluctantly turns to his court physician for curing, even though his last treatment plan involved bloodletting to relieve a headache. The results are... surprising.
-->'''Jon:''' (''reading event message'') "He presents me with the charred carcass of a cat..." ''That WORKED?!'' How did that work?! That apparently worked! How did eating a ''cat'' work?! [...] Right, apparently I'm ''Franchise/{{Superman}}'' for the next five years because I ''ate a cat''.
* When King Harald of Norway dies of old age, the title for England passes to a new ruler who declares the realm independent... but since Cornwall isn't a ''de jure'' part of England, it gets left behind as a Norwegian vassal, which Jon compares to not being invited to a birthday party.
-->'''Jon:''' I was the one kid in class who was not invited to the party, no one even told me there was going to ''be'' a party, I just looked across the road and the party was happening and everyone was pretending they couldn't see me.
* One of King Conan III's sons is born Sickly, so Jon gives him a badass name to compensate: [[AwesomeMcCoolname Havoc mab Conan]]. Sure enough, he survives his infancy and loses the Sickly trait. He's later joined by his little brother Crisis mab Conan, while the extended royal family sees (even more) unwanted female offspring, Yuselass mab Dunmarth and the tanist's daughter Orange [[ItIsPronouncedTroPAY (pronounced Or-AHNGE)]].
* Jon grows increasingly frustrated with his court physician, who's unable to cure the king's health problems before they develop into full-blown cancer, scuttling King Conan's dreams of conquest. He throws the quack into the dungeon, making the doctor hate him... but then still agrees when the doctor offers an experimental treatment, because what's he got to lose?
-->'''Jon:''' ''I've still got the cancer! He didn't even cure the cancer, he just [[FacialHorror cut my face off!]]''
* Poor King Jon not only gets to deal with disease outbreaks during his reign, but the game constantly reminding Jon how fat his character is. After putting his court into seclusion, Jon the Fat almost singlehandedly causes a food shortage through his gluttony, so that the court is soon ReducedToRatburgers. Later he catches a courtier sneaking bites from the larder behind everyone's back, and amazingly, one of the potential responses to choose from is [[ImAHumanitarian "Looks like meat's back on the menu!"]]
-->'''Jon:''' ''Whoa!'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa NO! Nonono chill out, Jon, we're not ''eating'' people! (''mouses over "Cannibal" trait'') It ''would'' make Martial go up by... ''[[OnSecondThought hmmm]]''. General Opinion minus ten, ''but'', Martial up by three. I mean... I could do with Martial up by three, that's a lot more troops that actually respond to my call, probably because they're scared if they don't [[BadBoss I might eat them.]]
* No one's interested in a matrilineal marriage to one of the royal family's spare daughters, but luckily there's a workaround.
-->'''Jon:''' You, my good man, how would you like to come to court for [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial entirely innocent reasons]], just because you seem like a good sort of person, and I'd just like you to hang out here, and you know I really appreciate your advice, and you've got a really, really good [[BadassBeard beard]], and any time you're flipping ready - ''there'' he flipping is. Alright, so he's arrived at court, that's marvelous, and now, I just need to... ''there'' he is. (''goes to the Arrange Marriage option'') Sorry, ILied, you're actually just marrying her. [...] Okay, of all the people that I've forced my children and relatives to marry, this guy's not the worst in a long way.
* After the royal family takes some losses from plague, King Jon the Fat decides to have an affair with a courtier, not because he wants to, [[LieBackAndThinkOfEngland but out of duty to Cornwall.]] It's only after the rest of the court discovers his indiscretion that Jon looks at who he had his king sleep with, and learns she's a certified Lunatic with syphilis. To add insult to injury, the resulting bastard is not only born with the STD, but is female and useless to Jon's efforts to produce some [[SpareToTheThrone Spares to the Throne]].
* Late into his reign, not only have King Jon's courtiers been wasting years and treasure on a fruitless hunt for some fabled artifact, and not only has an attempt to expand into Brittany taken a dangerous turn, but his court physician is convinced he has the bubonic plague! Or maybe smallpox. No, it's definitely cancer. Strapping the fat king to a chair and making him sleep upright doesn't help, nor does drinking breast milk, so Jon reluctantly agrees to another extreme procedure to save the king: amputating a hand. Remarkably...
-->'''Jon:''' You know what, don't, don't question it, because I don't have cancer anymore. She cut the cancer out of me. I suppose that is technically a thing that... does, vaguely make sense. A bit.
* Literally the first thing King Iliad does during his reign is make a move on a courtier who screams for the guards, and later he stupefies Jon by popping out a bastard with his cousin Yuselass without giving any indication that they were having an affair. He also catches the flu while on crusade, which his physician [[WorstAid decides to treat with a laxative.]] [[AchievementsInIgnorance Which somehow works.]]
-->'''Jon:''' So I actually feel better, marvelous! Health +2, and apparently that also gave me... superpowers. So, yeah, that was apparently such a good bout of diarrhea, I'm actually much better at fighting, (''[[{{Corpsing}} cracks up]]'') diplomacy, stewardship, learning... I don't really want to know ''how'' diarrhea has made me better at those things. [[SureLetsGoWithThat But screw it, I'll go with it.]]
* Iliad's wife Agnes is discovered to be plotting to kill someone, which surprises Jon until he learns who she's after.
-->'''Jon:''' Right, why do you want to kill Yuselass, precisely? Yuselass is my cousin who [[ExplainExplainOhCrap OH. Well. Yeah.]] Yeah, she was [[KissingCousins the cousin who I decided to have sex with,]] at some mysterious point that we never saw, that was very odd indeed. I can understand why you'd want her dead. To be honest, I kind of want her still around, because she's very good at producing chil-[-[[OpenMouthInsertFoot I should not bring that up right now, given that one of them is mine.]]-]
* King Iliad's interest in charting the movements of the heavens happens to coincide with a bout with dysentery, so that for a time his life is summed up as "running between the telescope and the toilet." Jon agrees to an experimental treatment to cure the illness, which results in Iliad losing an eye. Cue uncomfortable [=YouTube=] comments speculating ''how'' that cured him.
* The whole Iliad-Yuselass-Agnes situation comes to a head.
-->'''Jon:''' "My wife, Agnes, asks me if I'm having an affair with Yuselass Cemeu-" I don't ''think'' I am, but apparently so! "Her stony expression does not reveal whether she knows or is only guessing." Right, apparently me and Yuselass wasn't only a one-time thing. Apparently I've been having an affair, with my cousin, for the past few ''years''. No-one ever asked ''me'' about this! ''I'' don't approve of this! But apparently this is just a thing! [...] "Admit it but refuse to break up with Yuselass," "she might overreact" - honestly it ''isn't'' overreacting! ''I'm having a long-term sexual relationship with my own biological cousin!''
* An attempt to install a puppet king to the throne of Scotland leads to Cornwall and their ally Denmark invading the highlands, but King Knud V of Denmark ends up in the dungeons of the Queen of Scotland. On the Isle of Man. The castle of which is currently ''occupied by Denmark.''
-->'''Jon:''' Seriously, how many people are actually guarding the Queen right now, because you literally hold the castle, yet somehow - did you just fall down the stairs and accidentally get yourself locked in prison, or something? [...] You had ''five thousand'' troops with you, how did she capture you?!
* When the war with Scotland wraps up and Jon takes a glance at England, he's baffled that, due to the fallout of the First Crusade and the vagaries of hereditary titles and royal succession, there's an independent kingdom within England proper.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, what... England and Jerusalem have just split. Right, well this is... ''okay!'' So the Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Kingdom of England have now split apart. So... right. The pious king, who is married to Orange, is now simply the King of Jerusalem. (''cracking up'') ''Which is located in Bedfordshire!'' Okay, what is Jerusalem... it's Bedford. Someone has taken the hymn "Jerusalem" a bit too bloody literally. Oh God... [[Creator/WilliamBlake "'til we have built,]] ''[[Creator/WilliamBlake Bedford]]'', [[Creator/WilliamBlake in England's green and pleasant lands."]]
* Part 17 starts with Jon feeling quite pleased with King Iliad's military and diplomatic successes. He can't even finish the sentence [[TemptingFate "Things looking very, very good indeed"]] before getting a health event about Iliad's phantom eyeball pain. Then minutes later, Iliad stops at a countryside inn run by a nervous innkeeper, notices a foul smell after the guy leaves, discovers a ton of manure hidden under the floorboards...
-->'''Jon:''' [[StuffBlowingUp "...then the floor explodes."]] (''StunnedSilence'') ''Right.'' So... [[AntagonisticOffspring Prince Achilleus]], who I'm increasingly regretting the time I decided to make him my rival, decided to create an elaborate trap, in which he would lure me to an inn that was in fact a giant pile of manure that was going to... explode. Which is one way to assassinate me, I suppose. [...] [Iliad] didn't really "give up the ghost," he was ''exploded by a giant pile of explosive poo.''
* Jon's initially impressed with the new King Connor's statline, until he notices that his epithet is [[TheCasanova "the Seducer,"]] and all of the men in his court ''hate'' him because he's banging their wives. Jon eventually comes to assume that every child born during Connor's reign is one of his bastards, and is almost always correct.
-->'''Jon:''' Is there anyone in the ''entire realm'' I haven't slept with?!
* The bad news: one of Connor's child-producing affairs was with the wife of Prince Achilleus, the schemer who killed the previous king. The good(?) news: Achilleus is actually quite fond of Connor. ''[[VillainousCrush Very fond.]]''
* Jon has one of those Creator/{{Paradox|Interactive}} moments when he realizes that he can get some lands to pass to his young heir... if he gets Achilleus' infant daughter out of the way somehow.
-->'''Jon:''' I feel ''bad'' about his, I ''do'' feel bad about this, but, if we basically [[ThrownDownAWell throw her into the oubliette]], she probably won't liv- ''oh god''. ''Crusader Kings II'' has turned me into a monster! But, Hector, who is next in line, is, yeah, he's fourteen, and I think he could be persuaded to like me, and could potentially be a much... better vassal, oh god. [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone Oh god, what have I done?]] I'm a ''monster''.
* Despite all the problems King Connor's reckless libido causes, Jon can't help but get caught up in the romantic pursuit of the one woman who keeps turning him down, in seduction event after seduction event.
-->'''Jon:''' Sooner or later, we are going to [[RandomNumberGod dice-roll]] our way into her pants!
* Having tossed his morals into the oubliette with an infant, Jon starts plotting to kill anyone who doesn't like him, including King Connor's own wife, and it turns out the members of Connor's harem are quite willing to get on board any sinister plots. He also wants to get rid of the "Hellspawn" branch of the family, and so when the King of France requests help with a revolt, Jon sends Sulphur with an understrength force [[UriahGambit in hopes of getting him killed.]]
-->'''Jon:''' I've got it on good authority that, like, [[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkeys French people are made of paper, and tissue, they'll absolutely fall apart,]] they've got no chance against you whatso-flippin'-ever (''Sulphur's army gets crushed'') oh, oh no, it's all gone horribly wrong, oh no Sulphur's been shot - any chance that he's dead? He's not dead yet, but, that's fine. Problem was, Sulphur, you did that back on a Wednesday, and that's the day when French people ''aren't'' made of paper and tissue. Just go back on Thursday, try again, it'll all be abso-flippin'-lutely fine, alright?
** And then it turns out that not only does Sulphur ''survive'' the fight against the French revolt, he actually killed the revolt's leader to end it. Luckily, Jon has a backup plan.
--->'''Jon:''' Sulphur, just go and stand over here, march through that diseased territory, then stand in that diseased territory. Maybe if we're lucky you'll get yourself nice and sick.
* Eventually one of King Connor's counts reveals himself as a Satanist and tries to recruit him. And Jon, having had his HeelRealization, decides to [[JumpingOffTheSlipperySlope Jump Off the Slippery Slope.]] In moderation.
-->'''Jon:''' "Begin my journey into forbidden knowledge." I mean... I feel like I'm not a particularly nice guy anyway, and everyone hates me, and there ''are'' a lot of people who I would like to die. And "could you do something about," [-yeah, I've got multiple rivals I wouldn't mind being dead, there's a lot of people - and I ''do'' have a snake pit...-] Oh, go on, then! We can have just one, you know, just one year of Satanism. After that point, I'm going clean. One bit of Satanism is not going to hurt. [...] Okay, let's just show some interest in [[ReligionOfEvil Lucifer's Own]] as well, that strikes me as eminently reasonable, I'm just going to show a ''little bit'' of interest, so we'll see, we'll see what's going on. ''Oh god,'' this is going to end badly.
* When a foreign FemmeFatale arrives to officially induct King Connor the Seducer into Satan's clutches through some sort of sex ritual...
-->'''Jon:''' If you're trying to seduce ''me'', you've got this all backwards, I'm probably already trying to seduce you, [[ItsWhatIDo it's just what I do]]. For any other king this might be a big deal, [[ButForMeItWasTuesday but for me it's a Tuesday.]]
** Jon can't read the 'decline event' option, "I can't do this, I'm a married man!" without bursting out laughing.
* Jon doesn't approve of Connor's EvilCostumeSwitch.
-->'''Jon:''' No, don't go around wearing [[InTheHood an evil cloak!]] People are gonna know! If you show up in court the next day wearing a massive evil cloak, ''[[ObviouslyEvil people are going to know!]]'' [...] Oh, ''you've'' got a fancy hood on too! Are you part of the Order of Satan too? Can we be Satan Buddies?
* Jon gets giddy about the prospect of having a wolf {{familiar}}, and is excited that the higher-level Satanic powers include DemonicPossession and [[LifeDrinker "Absorb Life Force,"]] potentially allowing Connor to devour the essence of his many, many bastard children to live forever.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh wow, Satan's ''awesome'', I love Satan!
* But it turns out selling your soul to dark powers can have adverse effects on your health. Who'd have thought?
-->'''Jon:''' Right, "Magical Corruption." Martial, Intrigue, Fertility, and - oh, Health down. Well this is ''not'' what I need when I'm suffering from cancer. I need to magically heal myself with Satanism, from the damage I've done to myself with... Satanism. ''It's going to work out, alright!''
* Sadly, the devil-worshiping King Connor dies before advancing far enough within Lucifer's Own to get access to magic that would cure his cancer.
-->'''Jon:''' If nothing else, I like to think King Connor died as he lived: in the bedchamber of somebody who wasn't actually his wife, giving them a good tumble, she's probably flipping pregnant because he was the most fertile man in the world... Yes indeed, "He gave up the ghost at the age of 41, he died of cancer. Ever temperate, ''[[BlatantLies he never let his baser urges get the better of him?!]]'' (''laughing'') A godly man, he is with the Lord now," right, we also bribed the guys who wrote the obituaries.
* Jon tries to play King Hektor as the anti-Connor, and even joins the Benedictine Order to prove his piety! But he also proceeds to break a truce with England to take advantage of an opportunity to screw over Mercia, produces bastards while supposedly in seclusion contemplating the Bible, and ''steals a Nail of the True Cross and murders a fellow Order member to cover his tracks'', the result of a failed attempt to get Hektor the "Ambitious" trait.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, [my Devotion level] it's got ''slower'', because I'm losing Virtues, because I keep making terrible, not-Christian-virtuous decisions. So there's a moral in there somewhere, I'm just not sure...
* King Hektor receives a dinner invitation from Duke Cadoc the Second. Who has the "Possessed by Satan" and [[ImAHumanitarian "Cannibal"]] traits. [[TooDumbToLive Jon accepts.]]
-->'''Jon:''' Okay. So. We've just learned a valuable lesson, which is: when the Satanic cannibal invites you to a meal... [[CaptainObviousAesop don't go.]] Just, just don't go. In general, ''do not go'', alright? That's the important... ''okay.''
** The kicker is that the "Possessed" trait isn't hyperbole, King Connor did indeed perform a dark ritual to ensure that Cadoc was [[DemonicPossession possessed by a demon]] to make him more compliant. In other words, King Connor inadvertently set things up so that he ended up killing his successor ''from beyond the grave''.
--->'''Jon:''' Just because Connor's dead, it doesn't mean we're ''safe''.
* After eulogizing the late King Hektor, Jon is optimistic when introducing the new Queen Yuselass, until [[ExplainExplainOhCrap he realizes something]] in the middle of his speech.
-->'''Jon:''' We welcome our first female ruler: welcome Queen [[LateToTheRealization uh-oh]]... How many weak claims exist against us right now? 'cause, probably quite a few, and now Queen Yuselass is on the throne, they can all be acted upon - like, the downside to my plan of going around spreading my dynasty around is, there's a lot of people out there who probably have weak claims on ''me''. UH-OH.
* Jon finds it safest to assume that every child coming of age during Yuselass' reign is one of Connor's bastards, and potentially a Satanic sleeper agent.
* Queen Yuselass has quite a virtuous run, and proves an able ruler who expands Cornwall's domain while also going on religious pilgrimages, building churches, and going into contemplative seclusion, so that she earns the epithet "the Holy." Then she gets her heir married to a widowed Princess of Scotland, which would allow him to inherit a title to that kingdom... ''if'' his new wife's previous children were to meet with an unfortunate accident before any new sons are born.
-->'''Jon:''' So, we're all agreed we're murdering the baby. Excellent, let's just kill all of these babies, we need all of her male children to die, this is... this is not the ''worst'' thing I've done. But it's pretty bad...
* King Catastrophe's reign gets off to a rocky start due to unhappy vassals and failed attempts to rake in Prestige through wars against excommunicated neighbors, which isn't helped when his forty-year-old queen fails to produce any heirs. Jon starts making contingency plans in case she [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness outlives her usefulness]], and then something terrible happens.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh no, this is the worst thing that could happen! ''I've fallen in love with my wife!'' Oh, no, no no no no no! This is a problem! Because now she's not pregnant, but I do love her, and that means now that if she has an accident, like she's just walking under an aqueduct and it happens to collapse on her head or something of that nature, now I'm going to be sad about it!
** Then Jon notices that the Queen would make a competent Spymaster, and comes up with an important mission for her: [[UriahGambit stealing technology from regions suffering from epidemics.]]
--->'''Jon:''' So you just get on with that, right there, have fun, and like, you know, if you catch smallpox, I'll be so sad at your funeral... Quite frankly I'm quite proud of that plan, that plan is cocking genius.
* King Catastrophe's philandering finally produces a male child, which Jon immediately legitimizes and {{Squee}}s over.
-->'''Jon:''' Oooh, we're gonna have a special summer fair for this! Special summer fair! Everyone come to the fair, alright, this is the I Have A Son Fair, we're gonna have a parade, and we're gonna put Joy on top of the parade, and I'm gonna carry him around and wave at the crowd, and I'm gonna pick up his tiny little baby arm and make him wave at the crowd too and everyone's gonna be like "Oh he's so adorable isn't he?" and he ''is'', 'cause he looks ''just like me'', it's gonna be beautiful! Just to reinforce the point I might just stick a fake mustache, a terrible, terrible mustache, on the baby, just so everyone understands what the point is.
* Meanwhile the king's unwanted wife just refuses to die, even after visiting areas ravaged by every epidemic known to man, even after getting Jon's hopes up by falling ill at one point.
-->'''Jon:''' ...She's recovered. She just got over the camp fever. She's fifty-eight years old, I specifically ordered doctors ''not'' to treat her, and she's ''just recovered''. She's never going to die. She's just going to live here, my entire - she's probably going to outlive me!
* There's a moment of panic when the crown of France, including its holdings in Spain, passes to the next Holy Roman Emperor, leaving nearly all of western Europe under the control of one man with tens of thousands of soldiers at his disposal. To make matters worse, neither the new Emperor nor King Catastrophe have any daughters for some AltarDiplomacy, only sons.
-->'''Jon:''' I don't suppose you guys would be interested in maybe, like, a very early, 13th Century gay marriage or something?
* The Unkillable Wife is deployed to Norfolk in pursuit of a smallpox outbreak, only for the disease to immediately clear the region.
-->'''Jon:''' She's not just resistant to disease, she ''actively drives it away!''
* King Catastrophe takes a break from his failed marriage to spend some time with his mistress, only to contract Lover's Pox, which ends up making him less healthy than the wife he keeps sending to plague outbreaks. On the upside, after sending his mistress to a nunnery, Jon checks who her other lover was and finds out who's been infecting most of the Cornwall court with a venereal disease.
-->'''Jon:''' Right, this guy's going in prison. ''Officially,'' it's because of the whole, you know, leading a plot against some guy, I don't know who it is. But ''unofficially'', it's because he's just managed to indirectly give the king, I don't know, herpes or something.
* Jon finally gets out of his marriage when his wife [[MakeItLookLikeAnAccident suffers an unfortunate accident while leaning on her balcony railing one morning]]. He notes that ''immediately'' afterward, Europe suffers a massive outbreak of measles, consumption, and slow fever.
* The final years of Emperor Catastrophe's life turn out to be a race to complete his magnum opus before poor health claims him, and Jon is disheartened when his character gets hit with "Incapable" before his work is done.
-->'''Jon:''' Now I'm just curious whether the Magnum Opus is still happening, or whether that gets auto-canceled, because I feel like - I can't really be writing it, surely? (''event pops up'') No, I am ''still'' writing the Magnum Opus! Despite the fact that I've completely lost it and am lying comatose in a bed, I am still writing the book!
* Emperor Michel spends his last years running strategic assassination plots to ensure the right man gets picked as the tanist, before [[SuicideByCop provoking a duel with someone fifty years younger than him.]] When Emperor Happiness takes over, Jon is surprised that the guy is Eastern Orthodox and culturally Greek, which turns out to be pretty consequential.
-->'''Jon:''' So, I transferred power to Happiness... who was already the King of England... the Kingdom of England was, and remains, primogeniture... He can't be tanist anymore! I accidentally abolished tanistry because he's not Breton! [[ExplainExplainOhCrap And tanistry's exclusive to - WHAT HAVE I DONE?!]] Oh no. I've just changed the empire over to gavelkind! By ''mistake!'' Oh, that's... that's not going to... oh no, no, no that wasn't supposed to happen!
* While nervously waiting out the clock to fix the empire's succession laws, Emperor Happiness accidentally creates a merchant republic in East Anglia, then makes a move on Scotland by finding a Scottish woman with an inheritable strong claim on the kingdom, marrying her into Cemeu dynasty, and then declaring war to put her on the Scottish throne. The war takes some twists and turns with the Norwegians getting involved and the Byzantines making a move while Jon's distracted, but in the end Scotland has a new queen with a Cornish husband.
-->'''Jon:''' Still, we have done something very important here, which is we- (''death notification'') Did you [her husband] just die? Did you just cocking ''die'' im-flipping-mediately? Did you just die within flipping ''seconds'' of - she's single. Oh ''cock''. This... this is not what I needed. I don't have anyone to marry to her anymore. What, no... Right. So, I've been screwed over by consumption, because my plan was "if worst comes to worst, then they'll have children who are of my house and I can play as them." So once again that plan hasn't worked out, so... [[HereWeGoAgain who else has a claim on Scotland who wants to help me boot her out?]]
* When the JeanneDArchetype event fires, Jon becomes quite enamored with this Perenn, the "Holy Maid of Glamorgan," and decides she would make a great (chaste) wife. His character ''is'' already married, [[TheBluebeard but that's a minor problem.]]
-->'''Jon:''' I know I'm doing the right thing, because Perenn is on-board. Perenn is one-hundred-percent on board with me killing my own wife.
* When Emperor Happiness hits sixty, Jon realizes he should keep a closer eye on the royal succession. [[FiveSecondForeshadowing Less than a minute later, Happiness suddenly dies.]] After taking in the new Emperor Morhaetho's position and lack of quality successors, Jon decides to [[GeniusBreedingAct breed a generation of great rulers through courtiers with the Genius trait.]] Five minutes later, [[ThisIsGonnaSuck he gets a notification about something called the "Black Death" appearing in Mongol-held lands to the east.]]
-->'''Jon:''' That's... that's interesting. That's very interesting. I mean, presumably it, it's just, you know, going to burn itself out over there, I don't see any realisitc chance it's going to make its way over to Europe and ''kill basically everyone'', that wouldn't happen, right? That's definitely not going to happen.
* Since the game inexplicably gives him the option to, Jon decides Emperor Morhaetho will join [[TheHashshashin the Assassins]], secretly converting to Shia Islam, while attempting to make the Catholic Pope lift an excommunication, by taking part of a crusade to defeat the Jewish kingdom of Bohemia. After [[RunningGag murdering his wife]] to prove his devotion to his new cause, Jon decides to train Morhaetho's youngest son in the lethal arts. His training goes well until Jon decides to hire some thugs to menace the boy as a test.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, he ''died''... Okay, so, in many ways, training my own son as an Assassin didn't work out. ''But'', had he ''not'' died at the end there, it ''might'' have worked. It would have been better had he not died, I'll agree, but...
* A disease outbreak in Cornwall proper might be a blessing in disguise.
-->'''Jon:''' Wait, is more than one disease allowed to exist at the same time? Is Cornwall about to be ''saved'' from the Black Death by Camp Fever and smallpox, because the Black Death can't physically make it over? Because that would be kind of hilarious, yes.
* Between the Black Death and a civil war, Emperor Morhaetho ends up borrowing money from everyone to stay afloat, including the head of the Assassins. When said leader shows up later to demand repayment, Jon refuses, even though it will mean harsh consequences. Sure enough, Grand Master Trados issues a mission to "encourage" Emperor Morhaetho to repay the gold... which he issues ''to'' Emperor Morhaetho.
-->'''Jon:''' If I actually accept this mission, then presumably nobody else does... yes, I'm going to ''accept'' this mission. So, you can certainly trust me to get on with collecting the outstanding money. That is 100% definitely a thing you can trust me to get ''right'' on.
* Apropos of nothing, Jon remarks how sad he'll be when Perenn dies. [[TemptingFate Literally a minute later...]]
* The young Emperor Morhaetho the Second has an innovative new goal for his administration - going his entire reign without murdering his wife. Instead he decides to murder his wife's ''brother'', to make her the future Queen of Italy, a title which would be inherited by the next Emperor of Cornwall. Which makes his wife hate him. Before they've actually conceived an heir.
-->'''Jon:''' So, she's not ''desperately'' keen on me right now, to be honest, no. I really hope we can get out a child, though - the thing is, we need a son. The fact that she doesn't like me is irrelevant.
* When Italy revolts against Queen Anna, Emperor Ohdear's mother, Jon wonders whether he should get involved.
-->'''Jon:''' Here's the thing: there's two ways that this war works out for me. Way number one is that we offer military assistance, march our troops all the way over to Italy, put down the revolt, and ensure that Queen Anna stays on the throne, meaning we don't get Italy ''yet''. ''Or'', in the event that, say, Queen Anna were to just, (''goes to "Plot to Kill" menu'') you know, slightly, unfortunately ''die'', because, you know - it's not Mother's Day today, right? No, it's the 23rd of November, that's not Mother's Day. Let's just, very, very quickly ''check in'', on whether, just in theory, this could be made to work. The answer would appear to be... ''no'', no she's quite popular. [[ImplausibleDeniability That was never the plan, by the way,]] that was just potentially a nice-to-have - right, um, so, Mother Dear, I think we might need to, yeah, actually, help you out.
* After Emperor Ohdear brings the Empire of Cornwall to new heights, Jon expresses concern that his heir, the child Queen Leanne of Aragon, is being raised by another royal house beyond his control, and concludes that the best thing to do is have Ohdear make the ultimate sacrifice so Jon can start playing as Leanne and have some say in her development. The "bad" news is that Ohdear is basically unkillable no matter how many battles Jon throws him into, the "good" news is that someone assassinates Leanne, so there's no reason for the emperor to kill himself.

[[folder:''Crusader Kings II - The Restoration of Rome'']]
* For his final playthrough of ''CK II'' before the third installment comes out, Jon was thinking how his Cornwall campaign was lacking in both internal imperial politics and pagan stuff, and concluded [[TakeAThirdOption "Why not both?"]] So this time around he's playing as Count Leon of the Serbian county of Zeta, close enough for some Slavic pagan fun, but also within the orbit of the Byzantine Empire. And Jon's ultimate goal is take over the Byzantine Empire and restore the Roman Empire.
** Jon's character happens to be "a real absolute nobody" and the first of his house.
--->'''Jon:''' Basically - he's not ''really'' actually part of a house - he just woke up one morning and said, "You know what, darling? We're going to be House Choirosphaktes right now!" And she didn't really want to argue with him, so they just kind of went with it.
** Count Leon's so low on the totem pole and has so little influence that he doesn't actually generate technology points, making one of his courtiers a bit useless.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, my priest isn't actually doing anything right now. He's just chilling out, desperately bashing stones together, hoping to invent culture, but he's not going to make much in the way of progress.
** Jon discovers that of the two settlements in Zeta, one is a church held by the Byzantine Empire.
--->'''Jon:''' Yeah, when I said I was the lowest of the low, I wasn't flipping kidding, I don't even own some of my own land!
** Leon's wife Pavlina gives him a puppy, and Jon vows to break from his [[TheBluebeard past behavior]] towards his ''CK II'' spouses.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay. We're gonna be ''good'' by Pauline, we're gonna treat her ''right''. And we're going to call [the dog] Faithful, which is precisely what we're gonna be, to our wife, because she got us a puppy, alright? Leon is gonna be a ''good damn husband''. This here, this was a sign that we treat Pauline ''well'', dammit.
** Count Leon takes a pilgrimage to Antioch, immediately gets sick during the journey, somehow vomits his way from Serbia to Syria in a month, picks up a fever on the way home, and only gets 300 Devotion points from it, well short of what he needs to advance in rank within the Community of Saint Basil.
** "There's a big dangerous force up in - oh ''wow'', you've got a NiceHat. Not gonna deny, that's a good hat."
** "Now, [[PrivateMilitaryContractors the Crocodile Company]] is really the cheapest in terms of yeah, an extra two a month down, but, the Band of the Hippo has one, a better name, and two, comes with some cavalry and some heavy infantry."
** When Jon's eldest son completes his education and comes of age, the first thing Jon notices is his poor stats, and it's all downhill from there.
--->'''Jon:''' That could be better. That could definitely be better, right there. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking And your beard is a disappointment to me...]] oh, it's because he's a Lunatic! Right, that's, that's unfortunate too...
** Jon's been trying to improve his relationship with a neighbor, and their friendship persists even when their respective loyalties lead them to war.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, let's tell my good friend who I keep beating up that we totally appreciate the bravery of his troops, they died ''super bravely'' while I was murdering them.
** In the midst of his wars to expand his domain, Jon receives a confusing notification.
--->'''Jon:''' "Young Anna has finished her education in the way of intrigue, it turned out less well than..." Um. Does anyone know who ''Anna'' is, and why we were educating her? Okay, she's in ''prison''. Apparently we just... we're actually responsible for the education of children in our prison! Well no one told me ''that'', I wasn't even trying!
** To fill a vacant Spymaster slot, Jon recruits a capable guy with a good opinion of Count Leon, who happens to be Catholic. Half a year later...
--->'''Jon:''' Ooh, we found a heretic, marvelous! ...Nicolas my Spymaster, oh, um! I'm gonna be honest, guys, I sort of already knew that. Oh, but if I don't burn him now, then there's negative consequences. Lose Piety, and yeah, Nicolas, my opinion goes way down. Hmm, that's, that's a concern, he's my Spymaster... okay, we're gonna ''burn'' him, and then we're gonna go and get a ''different'' Spymaster, and I think I've learned my lesson this time, let's go for, you know, one that's the same faith as me.
** After a Benny Hill period of armies chasing each other through the hills instead of fighting and resolving a war, Jon wraps up his first episode having survived a fight with the Byzantine Empire.
--->'''Jon:''' So! Okay. It's been, how many years has that been? It's been ''many'' years, I'm in ''debt'', I'm ''bankrupt'', we're being invaded by Hungarians, who have approximately 10 bajillion troops, and what I have to show for it is ''one'' territory. ''One. One'' new county. ''Spectacular.'' Oh and also, a prison full of women who we just sort of... picked up from somewhere, so I guess they can sort of go, actually. Um, 'bye! Have fun! By the way, your king refused to ransom you, so feel free to hold that against him.
* By Episode 2, Jon's looking at his efforts in a more positive light, since after all he doubled how much territory he controls. He's also rethinking his position on the Hungarian invasion.
-->'''Jon:''' Now, that is a problem, but, on the other hand, ''is'' it? Because these guys aren't coming for ''me'', they just want this tiny bit of territory over here, now they're just smashing northern Serbia just to basically get the king to surrender. And... honestly, I'm a long way away from them. The worst thing they could do is conjure up a claim for the Kingdom of Serbia, move in, and take over the place. But if they do, that again isn't really a problem, I'll just start working for them. Arguably, I'd be a bit safer as a result.
** "Wow, five ''thousand'' light cavalry. Okay! Right, it's just a massive cavalry horde, got it. They're just doing the thing where they remind everyone why Hungary is called ''Hun''gary."
** At first Jon is surprised that the Duchy of Epirus is doing so well, then realizes they own Crete, "and as we are very well aware on this channel, [[VideoGame/RomeTotalWar Crete is the key to taking over the entire world.]] It's kind of like Australia in ''TabletopGame/{{Risk}}''."
** Jon decides to have Count Leon fake-convert from Orthodox Christianity to Slavic Paganism so he can join a warrior lodge, only to find that he needs some time to pass before he can do so. He also considers joining the Assassins again, because "I mean, if we're going to go for one heresy, we might as well go for all of them. So I'm publicly in favor of Perun, I'm secretly Orthodox, and I'm about to join the Islamic assassins. Sure, why not, all right? I am ''ludicrously'' open-minded, that's what Leon is all about."
** Happily, Jon is able to join the Champions of Perun, and is pleased with the changes to his character portrait.
--->'''Jon:''' Aww, I get [[NemeanSkinning a bear hat!]] Yes, [[NiceHat best hat!]]
** He also learns as a (fake) Slavic pagan, Leon can get [[RoyalHarem up to three concubines,]] which opens up some possibilities and some moral dilemmas.
--->'''Jon:''' "Pregnancies involving them will result in legitimate children..." okay, this is interesting. "Someone who is the prisoner of a ruler [[IHaveYouNowMyPretty can be forced to become their concubine,"]] okay, [[EvenEvilHasStandards that's gross,]] let's not do that. ''But'', I am very happy to - oh... (''mouses over Pavlina's portrait'') I mean, I ''did'' say I was going to be good to Pauline. But also I'm, I'm dangerously low when it comes to children right now. Okay, we're gonna see what this child and... Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be loyal for as long as the dog's here. I named that dog Faithful, because I said we were going to be faithful to Pauline, so at the ''bare minimum'', I'm not going to let the dog see me be a bastard. Alright? I'm gonna stay faithful for as long as Faithful is alive. As soon as the dog's ''dead'', all bets are off.
** "If I change my hairstyle, can I get something that's a bit more... ''there'' we go, go for that. Bit more hair to go with my new bear hat! I do like to think that while all this is happening, my son is just sitting there being so bloody confused as to what his dad's going through, because I am blatantly having a midlife crisis of the Ninth Century right now. This is what it looked like back then."
** Right after worrying he's low on heirs, Jon gets another son and realizes he now has a new problem.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh. Um, problem. Son. Son and another son, and two counties, and gavelkind. ''Okay''. So, this is, this is an issue right here. Because if I die tomorrow, all of my good work would be for nothing.
** Then he remembers that his culture gives him some unorthodox options.
--->'''Jon:''' Now... I do have one trick up my sleeve. Which is, because I'm Greek, I can actually [[EyeScream blind]] people. And people who are blind aren't allowed to inherit. So I can just imprison [my son], blind him, let him back out without killing him. I therefore will ''not'' be a [[KinslayingIsASpecialKindOfEvil Kinslayer]], but this person can't actually go on to inherit, so... [[VideoGameCrueltyPotential yeah.]]
** He ends up accelerating his plans to grab himself a duchy, because "otherwise I have no choice but to start blinding children at random, or risk a random death - and this guy could just drop dead, alright? This is ''Crusader Kings II'', anyone could just drop dead at any second, and that would cause the empire to dissolve. I need a higher-ranking title floating around just so we could keep the empire together even if it's technically with a new noble in play somewhere else."
** Count Leon starts having trouble sleeping, to Jon lets him go into seclusion and ends up resolving his problems remarkably quickly, picking up the Temperate trait.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, you were only in that cave for like two days. I feel like that was not a long enough seclusion to claim you've made some massive emotional breakthrough.
** Jon realizes Leon is still pursuing a Theology focus.
--->'''Jon:''' I hope we've like, you know, updated the theology to represent how I've completely changed religion, like, several times. It's been a confusing few years, it was my experimental phase.
** As the situation in the Balkans descends into a mess of warring Slovenes, Croatians and Venetians, Jon can only declare "I don't even know what's happening anymore, but I ''think'' it's good."
** When a Slovene army occupies the high ground and Jon wonders how to dislodge them, he realizes he can raise a nearby levy to bait the invaders to commit to going after them, disbands the levy before they can be destroyed, and rushes in to take the hills before the Croatians can react.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh my! The hills now belong to me! You, sir, have been ''duped!''
** Jon refers to a pagan [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flyting flyting]] as a [[YourMom "Yo Momma"]] contest.
** Jon is heartbroken when his puppy dies. Not for very long, mind.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh no, Faithful... Faithful will be buried, quietly, in the castle courtyard. ''[[MoodWhiplash And]]'', now that Faithful's no longer around, and my wife is almost certainly producing no more children and I might need a couple more yet, just a couple of [[SpareToTheThrone spares]], just in case - right, so, concubine time!\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' jon: i need more children as a back up\\
also jon: shit i have another child, may have to blind the little shit.\\
also also jon: lemme get two concubines and make more children.\\
i'm so confused????
** Another apostate is found in Jon's court, but the question is, what kind?
--->'''Jon:''' Also, um, when we say she's a heathen, she is actually Slavic pagan, and you're Slavic pagan but secretly Orthodox, so... hang on, which crime are you - oh, religion's getting confusing.
** Jon's liege actually capitulates and gives Leon the title of Duke, and Jon notices he's now significantly stronger than his supposed superior.
--->'''Jon:''' Depending on how the wars go around here - because this is turning into a right flipping mess, and yeah, Bulgarians want a little bit of land there - it might be time to start having a think about, you know, whether I might make a ''better'' king of Serbia. And then reveal that all along I was ''secretly Orthodox'' and then immediately through my lot in with the Byzantine Empire.
* In Part 3, Jon declines his liege's offer to raise little Perun as a Serbian Slavic, because Jon wants to remain culturally Greek. "Because Greek is useful, because Greek means you can blind people to stop them from inheriting, or indeed castrating them to stop them having children. ''That's'' fun."
** After conducting a HumanSacrifice to the Ancestors, Jon checks to see how badly his Council reacts to it.
--->'''Jon:''' Because plenty of you don't actually believe in my religion - or at least my publicly-stated religion. Like, y'know, I'm only ''pretending'' to be pagan. But I'm gonna be honest, I'm getting into this, this is good stuff!
** "'A famous writer wants to compose your family chronicles.' Okay, Leon, I'm gonna be honest, if we just very quickly check the family tree... this is a con. This is a one-hundred-percent con, we don't even know who you ''parents'' are."
** High Chief Leon's wife dies of "natural causes" at the age of 46, which Jon finds suspicious, but "on the plus side, on the ''real'' plus side, that means I can get remarried properly, which means that [[AltarDiplomacy politically]] it could be very useful indeed!"
** Jon turns down the game's suggestion to name his new daughter Thomas, but when "Margarita" comes up from the randomizer, he rolls with it.
** While quashing a revolt, Jon imprisons two young princes, who no one is willing to pay a ransom for, and so on a whim decides to castrate them. He almost reconsiders when he sees the Piety cost and chance of picking up the "Cruel" trait, but...
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, I see how that might be a thing, yes, how I ''might'' become Cruel. Hmm. Cruel might be good, actually, Cruel might get me bonuses in terms of fighting and whatnot... okay, you're both being castrated, because I feel like it. [[WhatTheHellPlayer "You have the boy castrated and turned into a eunuch. You're a real piece of work, aren't you?"]] Yes, yes I am.
** This turns out to have a negative impact on Jon's relations with his liege, because as he soon finds...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, right, yes! Um, that castration. That was... yeah, that was your grandchild, wasn't it? Were those your grandchildren? No, your two nephews, right, so, yeah, I just kind of castrated two of the King of Serbia's nephews. I can see how he would not be thrilled...
** In more testicle-related fun, Jon almost invites a mediocre courtier to become his steward simply because his name is Balsag.
** "I'm known as 'The Just?' ''Really?!'' I would have gone for 'Castrating Monster,' but fine, I'll take 'The Just.'"
** [[UriahGambit Perhaps wisely,]] Jon repeatedly turns down his king's requests that he serve as a frontline commander.
** "Uh oh. How old am I right now? Fifty-one, the age of just dropping dead..."
** At first Jon enjoys his war with Venice, as he discovers he can capture, ransom, re-capture, and re-ransom enemy [=VIPs=]. When he sees Venice's Aquitainian allies finally show up, namely their king making landfall with only 40 men. Jon rushes his army over to intercept. Then 3,000 more Aquitainians appear, and Jon becomes very focused on reaching 100% war score and ending the conflict... but not before sending off a few last ransom notes.
--->'''Jon:''' ...Okay, they're not going to get through ''that'' quickly, do the remaining sales, like, ''fast''. (''nervous laugh'') Everything's under control. This is precisely a sensible thing to do.
** "Who's in my prison, by the way? ...Oh, a random bunch of nobodies. Are any of you ''important?'' Well, I'm guessing not, otherwise someone would pay for your release."
* In Part 4, Leon's new wife manages to become pregnant, even though Jon admits he's "an old, syphilitic wretch."
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, this is ''marvelously'' good news... [[OnSecondThought and when I say "marvelously good news," more children just means more gavelkind problems.]]
** Jon's faced with another Paradox moral dilemma when he realizes that of his potential heirs, one adult is a lunatic and the other a frail nerd, while the children have Great Pox and genetic weakness, respectively.
--->'''Jon:''' Alright... um, I'm kinda thinking we might need to do a bit of a... a clear-out here. Like, I ''can'' sort out the problems with succession, right now. All I need is [[EyeScream five minutes and a rusty spoon]], and yeah, we can sort out all of this.
** Even after Eirenairos is removed from the succession, Jon's surprised to find many willing potential spouses for his eldest son.
--->'''Jon:''' Even though he has no eyes, and the fact that he's cuckoo bananas, everyone still considers him an excellent catch.
** One of Leon's granddaughters, Antigone, comes of age, and though she's done well with her education her stats aren't great.
--->'''Jon:''' Yeah, that's not spectacular. I mean, nice hair, maybe you'd make a decent steward, I dunno, but not great. And your life is not doing so hot, is it? Yeah, your mother's died, she died of cancer when you were a child, your father has been blinded, had his birthright taken away from him, and is also cuckoo bananas, so... yeah, sorry Antigone, your life hasn't exactly worked out spectacularly well.
** Turns out Leon's son Perun would make an excellent Court Tutor, so Jon rolls with it.
--->'''Jon:''' Admittedly, this is not how I was assuming things would turn out when I named him for the god of thunder, who I worship at my warrior-lodge, but I'm still proud of my tiny nerd son.
** Jon's more than ready to make a move for the crown of Serbia, but has a non-aggression pact with his liege due to Leon's new wife, the Princess Karolina, who Jon actually doesn't want to get rid of.
--->'''Jon:''' And I really like my wife! She's actually pretty damn good, makes a damn good commander. She's a strong Siege Leader, she's a Brilliant Strategist... I'm gonna be honest, I really don't want to get rid of my wife. I'd be really ''sad'' to, you know, let her down. Plus, I'm gonna be honest, she could ''murder'' me, my personal combat skill is only 5, hers is currently, uh, 23. So even though she is actually genetically Weak - like, she has ''overcome'' that, through education, training, cunning, alright? Though actually, she is Chaste which is... [-I swear she wasn't when I married her...-] And she's, oh, she's also become Uncouth. Well so am I. I'm going to be honest, we both smell.
** Jon goes along with the "rumors of an artifact" event chain, even though past experience has shown that it's a waste of time and money. To his great surprise, his court diviner returns with the ''Axe of Perun''. Which means Leon's pagan wife Karolina will be thrilled, and "now, if I ever got in a fight [with her], I'd have a chance. Because she's better in a fight than me, but I've got the axe of a cocking ''god!"''
** Poor Eirenairos dies under suspicious circumstances, which mystifies Jon since the guy was already disinherited due to being blinded.
--->'''Jon:''' Maybe his own wife hated him, I'm not sure, because... oh. Apparently she was a lesbian, the whole time. And also Deceitful. And Cynical. And - okay, fine, she probably bumped off her insane husband, got it.
** Serbia gets a new king without anyone telling Jon, who dislikes Leon for some reason.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh ''yeah'', who were the guys I castrated to you, by the way? Were they your brothers? No, I think it was your cousins I castrated. Okay, he's ''still'' holding a grudge about that.
** High Chief Leon passes on, and Jon takes a moment to eulogize his starting character.
--->'''Jon:''' "He feasts with the gods," and he does. We're not a hundred percent sure ''which'' gods he actually worshiped, and whether he actually got into whatever heaven he believed in. Religiously, he was confused - Orthodox, Pagan, for a few edgy weeks he showed a bit interest in becoming an Islamic assassin, but that was mainly a bit of confusion right there...
** Which means Jon's now playing as Perun, who has a surprising personal combat skill given his frailty and intellectual upbringing.
--->'''Jon:''' Right, so, Perun is basically a massive bloody nerd, but he ''does'' basically hold the Hammer of Thor, which gives him certain advantages in a fight. (''cracks up'') I love him. He's a beautiful, beautiful nerd and we must protect him.
* Just three minutes into Episode 5, Jon notices that his six-year-old half-brother is the Duke of Bosnia, and since he's too young to have an heir, the title would default to Perun if anything unfortunate happened...
-->'''Jon:''' I'm not saying we should murder him, [[DistinctionWithoutADifference but I am saying we should check in to see how easy it would be to murder him.]]
** When looking for a concubine for young Perun, Jon's weirded out when Princess Karolina shows up on the short list, since she's Perun's father's widow. "Also, she is dying of cancer."
** Just when Duke Perun is recovering from both an outbreak of consumption and an arduous war, the King of Serbia declares he's converting to Catholicism, which Jon rejects since paganism's fun. Not long after, he gets a notification.
--->'''Jon:''' So, the King of Serbia was just able to push through Religious Control Mandate. So, he can now revoke titles in the event of, yeah, heathens and heretics. Which according to him, I am. Okay. We might be heading towards, uh, crunch time here.
** "'Recruit Physician?' I've already got a physician, don't I? What happened to my physician? You're right, I ''don't'' have one of those, okay! Don't know where he went. He might well have died of consumption, which is y'know, maybe a good sign he shouldn't have been a physician."
** "And my Chancellor's tried to convince me about his Germanic beliefs, but no no no, I am clever enough to maybe convert ''him'' to ''my'' religion instead, so let's see if we can make that happen." (''SmashCut'') "He immediately died a natural death! That must have been one ''hell'' of a letter!"
** Five episodes into his pagan adventure, Jon works out that his succession is as good as it gets as an unreformed pagan.
--->'''Jon:''' Now, you could in ''theory'' reform the damn thing, but in order to actually reform a religion, you need to hold its holy sites. And the holy sites are located broadly in somewhere way the bloody hell over there[[note]]Plock, Poland[[/note]], and then somewhere in cocking Denmark[[note]]Rügen, Germany[[/note]], and then that one's in Australia[[note]]Kiev, Ukraine[[/note]], and this one's on the dark side of the cocking moon[[note]]Novgorod, Russia[[/note]], so basically... yeah, we're not going to be able to do that anytime soon. And as long as my paganism is ''un''reformed, that means yeah, I can't actually have anything other than gavelkind, I believe. The reason more was available back when I was playing Leon is because he wasn't actually pagan, he was ''pretending'' to be pagan. So unfortunately I may have no choice but to renounce Perun, literally the guy I was ''named'' for, if I want to have a form of succession that, y'know, ''isn't'' completely bananas.
** Jon decides Perun should join the Champions of Perun despite his physical frailty.
--->'''Jon:''' I like to think, given I'm a massive nerd, and I'm basically showing up with the Hammer of Thor, I'm also showing up in Thor cosplay in general, alright? My character's just super into [[Franchise/MarvelCinematicUniverse the MCU]], he really likes the Film/{{Thor}} films.
** Unfortunately his initiation opponent is Wszemila "Knuckle-Slammer," who kicks Perun's ass, but the nerd gets in anyway. He even becomes friends with Whatsherface the Knuckle-Smasher, and the two bump into each other during a feast later...
--->'''Jon:''' Apparently I've been keeping in touch with the woman who absolutely kicked my ass at one point. So, we can become close friends, or it might be more - okay, [[LoveAtFirstPunch I might have a thing for women beating the hell out of me.]]
** Opportunity knocks when the Pope announces a crusade for Egypt, and Jon notices his Catholic liege raising his troops.
--->'''Jon:''' Are you by any chance about to go off to Egypt? With your ''entire army?'' Which you are personally leading? Oh... oh, this is just... I could not have hoped for better. You know what? I'll lend you boats. Go, have fun!
** Perun gets drawn into another Flyting, and faces a most unexpected opponent.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh dear, Karolina's challenged me to a Yo Momma Contest, which is awkward because she is my step-momma. Okay, so, it's time to do a "yo momma" contest against the woman who is the closest thing in the world to my momma... okay, um, right, so, I ''do'' however have- (''mouses over "This option is available because you are Karolina's better'') -I'm Karolina's better, wow! Okay! I mean, that's ''true'', but only because she's ''dying of cancer!'' Bloody hell, Perun, take it down a notch! Also, you're ''not'', even though she's dying of cancer, she's 26 Personal Combat Skill. You're only 23, and you've got Thor's Hammer you lunatic! Hilariously, I can actually insult her family, which should work because she's Kind, so- (''cracks up'') [[InsultBackfire I guess we're gonna insult her family!]] Oh my, marvelous... No, I lost my temper, and unfortunately the crowd sided with her. I'm not gonna duel her, though, because one, she's my stepmother, and two, she'd kick my flipping ass despite my magic axe! Bloody hell, this is ridiculous...
* With the King of Serbia out on crusade, Jon starts Part 6 off with a war to usurp the crown. The ''first'' thing that goes wrong is all his commanders being too busy on missions to actually show up and lead his troops. Then King Slobodan ''wins'' the crusade and gets a boatload of money from the Pope, which he immediately uses to hire some mercenaries to attack Perun's rebellion. The next half-hour leads to the episode title "The Lunacy War of Skull Mountain," as Perun's army holds out in the mountains of Onogost against waves of attackers. And after so many battles, Perun becomes quite a different character from the frail nerd he once was.
-->'''Jon:''' Perun is up to ''56 Personal Combat Skill!'' He is now Brawny, he is not Weak anymore, he is a mighty mountain of a man! He has been in the gym! He has not been skipping Leg Day ''or'' Arm Day, actually! This man now swings this axe like a ''demon!''
** Once the war is over and Perun is Despot of Serbia, Jon describes some Catholic vassals as "you all decided to drink that Pope lemonade."
** "Now ''here's'' somebody good! By which I mean not-good, but suitable for my purposes."
** During the fighting, Jon dismisses a pop-up involving young Sophia as an unneeded distraction - "Yes, you can be Ambitious, I don't care." Half an hour later, she comes of age, Jon looks her over, and realizes he might have made a mistake.
--->'''Jon:''' She's actually, at this point, Ambitious, and officially one of my Rivals, because I was sort of panicking during a war, and I gave her that. [...] But yeah, she now hates me, and she's also an Elusive Shadow. So, um, yeah, one hopes she's not plotting against me...
** Jon claims he's "got a good feeling" about Prince Orestes, Perun's son and heir. By the end of the episode, he's developed only a level two education, the Dull and Trusting traits, and what's worse...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh... oh ''no''... and he's got a terrible, terrible haircut, too! Orestes, you've let me down.
** The wife Jon picks out for Orestes is a Strong, one-legged Lithuanian woman, in hopes of producing decent grandchildren for Perun.
--->'''Jon:''' Orestes is a bust, let's hope the next generation turns out better. Also, I like the fact that you come from a tribe that appears to have literally a naked guy holding a knife as its flag.
** "Oh dear, Orestes... Orestes, why are you wearing [[InTheHood an evil hood?]] You're not a Spymaster - okay, so he's jumped straight into some sort of evil society, great, better and better..."
** On the upside, Orestes would make a great frontline commander.
--->'''Jon:''' You, my man, need to get some battlefield experience. Either it'll toughen you up into, you know, someone who's much more competent, ''or'' you'll get yourself killed. And honestly, either works for me.
* In Part 7, Jon decides to test his new kingdom's military against Venice by grabbing another county, and he's not too concerned when the serene republic sends some mercenaries at him because he's got some great commanders.
-->'''Jon:''' We're marching into mountains right now, but Almo is a mountains specialist, he's good at this. Perun is a ''murdering'' specialist, he will kill literally anyone. [[MyFriendsAndZoidberg And Orestes...]] if he gets stabbed he gets stabbed, oh no what a shame we're all gonna be very sad.
** Perun has another son, who Jon decides to name Achilleus, the proper Greek form of Achilles.
--->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon, the last son you had named Achilleus [[{{Patricide}} exploded you]] [[DungFu in manure.]]\\
'''Many A True Nerd:''' ... Uh oh
** On the subject of sons, Jon's relationship with his eldest is changed when the "hunting dog" event fires.
--->'''Jon:''' Orestes just sent me a puppy. Everything is forgiven.
** After the latest war with Venice, Jon gets most of his council on his side in preparation of updating his realm's laws.
--->'''Jon:''' So, when we hit May of 916, we should be able to change our succession if our vassals are chilling out. Now, right now some of my vassals, admittedly, are not chill. But, we can take care of that. By ''murdering'' them.
** Unfortunately, all the fighting on Skull Mountain has hit Perun with "The Wounds Within" event, giving Jon the SadisticChoice between several bad traits.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, this is... this is not fun. [[IntendedAudienceReaction Which I suppose is fair,]] because it literally is an event about [[ShellShockedVeteran having a catastrophic mental breakdown after being exposed to too much warfare.]]
** Jon, who still wants to restore the Roman Empire via joining and taking over the Byzantine Empire, has a nasty shock.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, bloody hell! Um, okay, so... the jihad was, um, more successful, than I was expecting. Like, half the Byzantine Empire just flipping... naffed off. I mean, I thought you were just gonna take like Anatolia, which is like this little bit in the middle, yeah, this bit here right here. But no, no the jihad for Anatolia just took like... all of cocking Turkey. Ooh, that's... that's not great...
** In better news, the 8-year-old Duke Prvoslav actually gets along well with Despot Perun, despite a lot of reasons why he shouldn't.
--->'''Jon:''' Bear in mind, this is actually, yeah, the son of the previous king. So I did kind of steal his throne. And rob him of his birthright. And take half his land off of him. And, you know, kind of indirectly murdered his father. But he's actually at, um, +45 with me. Because you know, there's gavelkind succession, "the liege is kind," that counts for something, that's... [-also, hang on, "Cheery?"-] Oh, because I'm currently Cheerful, because I had sex with a random woman in the woods, he actually likes me ''more'' because of the level of cheerfulness.
** Despite Muslim gains in Anatolia, Jon still goes ahead with his master plan and petitions to join the [[VestigialEmpire (remains of)]] the Byzantine Empire, doubling its land mass and making Jon the most powerful and important vassal within it. The lag between him sending the message and the Basileus accepting is put down to the guy going "Wow, really?! Are you sure?"
* At the start of Part 8, Jon explains his plan to revitalize the Byzantine Empire by shifting its focus to Europe, and promptly starts expanding its borders in the Balkans. Despite the complication of a disease outbreak, he manages to back a count's claim on the Duchy of Epirus and paint more of Greece imperial purple.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, now that, that was a nice, fast, easy war. You guys go home. For ''once'', I started a war that I thought was going to take ten minutes, and it ''actually flipping did.''
** The Champions of Perun ask Jon to initiate his son in the group, and he's happy to comply.
--->'''Jon:''' Orestes, my boy, we need to talk about you joining the warrior lodge, please. So here we go, we need you to go through the initiation rite, and... if you happen to get yourself murdered during it, then, we'll all be very sad. Not ''that'' sad, but very briefly sad.
** When looking over Perun's kill count, Jon is reminded of Serbian family politics.
--->'''Jon:''' (''cheerfully'') Oh yeah, my own baby brother, I'd forgotten about that, but I ''did'' do that, didn't I?
** After Orestes starts murdering people in honor duels, Jon decides to have him form a mercenary company.
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, they're gonna pay me whatever they make, he might get himself killed, which would not be the worst thing in the world... Right, off you go with my blessing, son.
** After Jon's court physician dies trying to combat the latest outbreak, he hires a replacement.
--->'''Jon:''' There we go, an insane, disfigured crone who only has Learning of 10, WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong
** The Emperor himself asks Despot Perun for a favor to be returned later, which Jon is happy to agree to. The immediate result is Perun backing the Emperor's "Title Revocation Policy" effort, which Jon isn't worried by. A minute later, he sees that Perun has ''also'' been forced to support "Disallowed Vassal Wars," putting a stop to his campaigns of expansion for a whopping fifty years.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so... we might need to murder the Emperor. We might need to yeah, murder him, sooner rather than later.
* Jon starts off Part 9 by making the point that he recorded the episode before Part 8 aired, so his cunning solution to the problem of Disallowed Vassal Wars was something he came up with rather than something he took from the [=YouTube=] comments section. His workaround is to form the Kingdom of Croatia, take it as his primary title, and thus place himself outside of the Byzantine Empire's du jure legal boundaries. And since he's rather be the Kingdom of Serbia than the Kingdom of Croatia, he renames the Kingdom of Croatia the "Kingdom of Serbia," and the old Kingdom of Serbia the "Kingdom of Serbia 1.0," to avoid confusion.
-->'''Jon:''' Now I'm aware that this sounds incredibly legally dodgy... like, the Emperor's just told me to do something, I've excused myself, stepped outside, I come back in wearing a slightly different hat, and now I'm claiming the law doesn't apply to me. But ''technically'', I am within the letter of the law right now, so basically, screw you and your stupid decisions for making me do this.
** A brief war to claim Zara from the Venetians [[https://youtu.be/k7-dvhc8sfY?t=1030 takes a heartbreaking turn...]]
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, battle even there: "As I'm swinging my blade vigorously in front of me, my trusted ''dog gnaws on the legs of my enemies?!"'' Oh no... Oh NO, "incoming arrows?! 'Wait, is that dog...'"\\
(''StunnedSilence'')\\
'''Jon:''' Oh my goodness. You just killed my dog, ''you just killed my dog!''
** Jon promptly executes his opponent in the name of Woofles, massacres a city, and renames the county from Diadora to Good Dog.
** Jon decides to have Perun climb to the top rank of the Champions of Perun, and first is surprised that this involves a duel, then he's left wondering how the current Heroine got the position.
--->'''Jon:''' Apparently I need to, um, fight the person who's... she's, she's got a Personal Combat Skill of 1. I feel like we've, um, got this. And yeah, I would like to fight you for the flipping top spot, because you're 57, and while you are very, very good at your job - or at least you ''were'' - you have kind of gotten old. And ill. And cowardly. And, yes, cake, so, so much cake. Um, so... yes, actually, I am very willing to fight you for the top job, because I've got a Combat Skill of 83, versus your... 1.
** Drahomira "the Shrinking Violet" ends up crippled from the duel, and Perun becomes Hero of the Champions of Perun! Afterward, he receives an unexpected letter.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay. So, um, a 57-year-old woman, who I kicked the ass of, and also cut off half her hand, she's... she's written me a love letter. Um... okay, maybe, maybe we just, don't do - [[NoJustNoReaction no, no actually, just no.]]
** Jon, and presumably Perun, are both baffled when the Children's Crusade event fires and stops by Zeta. He decides not to spend money supporting the rugrats, only for Perun's son Achilleus to go running off with the fanatics.
--->'''Jon:''' You know what? I welcome this. If he goes and gets himself killed, I kinda don't care, he wasn't that good. [[TemptingFate But maybe this will be the making of the boy.]]\\
(''two minutes later'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, so, um, as for the crusade, Achilleus is just... dead. "Vanished without a trace." Oh dear. He was working for Kaspar, who's... ''also'' "died under suspicious circumstances." Okay, so I'm guessing the crusade's not going so hot. That just leaves me with Orestes, who ''oh my god'' he is ''not'' aging well. Being a mercenary is a hard life.
** In other Choirosphaktes family news, Jon marries his daughter Zoe off to the King of West Francia, ''then'' checks and sees that the kingdom is currently exploding. Then he learns that someone murdered his other daughter Zenobia after he married her off to the King of Georgia.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh no, I'm all out of flipping daughters! Dear oh flipping dear...
** And then Orestes manages to get himself killed while off playing mercenary.
--->'''Jon:''' Um... we're running out of heirs, like, pretty fast. "Killed by a wild beast." Well that was bloody stupid of you! Then again, you weren't... you weren't very good, were you? No, this is... this is for the best...
** And ''then'' it turns out that Orestes' son Perun is somehow in the Italian county of Salerno, in the court of the Grand Mayor of Amalfi.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so this kid's just trapped over in Amalfi, somewhere, and we can't get him back, good. His brother's also in Amalfi, and I don't understand why. Possibly the guy who took over the mercenary company after Orestes died was from there, and has just sort of taken the children back with him, to court.
** "Oh, um, apparently we're out of money! Does anyone know when and why that happened?"
** On the bright side, Perun's youngest son Hektor has become a rather hirsute 16-year-old.
--->'''Jon:''' He's grown a terrifying double beard that [[BeardOfEvil makes him look completely overtly evil]], he's completely underwhelming in every way, like all of my children are, but... it barely even matters, because [the Queen of Bulgaria] is willing to marry him.
* Jon opens Part 10 by noting he's invested heavily in Serbia's army at the expense of its economy, which means "I can't actually afford to raise my own military anymore."
** While Perun helps an ally in Bulgaria, and the Basileus tries to reclaim lost territory from the Muslims, the Byzantine Empire has one of its moments when a faction starts a civil war to put the prince on the throne, without inviting Perun.
--->'''Jon:''' You know, I'm quite frankly insulted that not one person asked me whether I wanted to be in on this rebellion, they just assumed I didn't.
** "...also, does anyone know what happened to Georgia? Because... I think Georgia's just ''gone."''
** Serbia is hit by "the best-named rebellion I've ever seen."
--->'''Jon:''' So this is Prisnec of the... Svezkezfezfet...[[note]]Szekesfehervarian Peasant Revolt[[/note]] no, I can't, I just can't.
** After beating up on what's left of Hungary, Jon notices that one of his prisoners is a single woman of the Árpád dynasty with a weak claim on the Kingdom of Hungary and the Blood of Attila and the Blood of Álmos the Brave bloodlines. A few minutes later and Jon's freed her from his dungeon, invited her to court, bribed Perun's current wife into accepting a divorce, and gotten his 61-year-old ruler remarried to someone half his age in hope of popping out some children to make up for some recent Choirosphaktes losses, and to compensate for the miserable current heir.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, Perun [the Second], um, has apparently come of age. I mean... I couldn't be more disappointed if I tried. What's worse, is it the hair? The mustache? The stats, the terrible, terrible stats?
** Jon also notices that thanks to Perun's dueling history, he's only 11 kills away from being able to forge his own bloodline...
--->'''Jon:''' ...and I'm gonna be honest, the dungeon is ''crowded''. And, plenty of these people are apparently so insignificant-\\
(''7-year-old Bathyány Dorottya screams as she's burnt at the stake'')\\
'''Jon:''' -no one actually, uh, no one cares! Which is, which is great! So... okay, that would be Kingdom of Bulgaria, "upset the lords of the Kingdom of Bulgaria..." They like me already-\\
(''Bogdana ot Pitesti screams as her bowels are torn out'')\\
'''Jon:''' -I think we can get away with that. "Kingdom of Bulgaria" - uh, ''you're'' unimportant-\\
(''Humayan gurgles as she is hanged'')\\
'''Jon:''' -uh, okay, that's the lords of Hungary-\\
(''Khunzakhai Mulu screams as she's burnt at the stake'')\\
'''Jon:''' -they already ''do not'' like me, that's, that's fine-\\
(''Rozgonyl Dorottya screams as she's walled up alive'')\\
'''Jon:''' -Lords of Hungary ''again''-\\
(''Rozgonyl Kinga screams as she's burnt at the stake'')\\
'''Jon:''' -who's, who's left? How many people do we have in here? That's lords of - lords of Hungary!\\
(''Zsanett Khunzakhai screams as she's buried alive'')\\
'''Jon:''' And, Kingdom of Hungary-\\
(''Spanhem-Ortenburg Kamilla screams as she's stoned to death'')\\
'''Jon:''' -aaand Kingdom of Bulgaria. (''beat'') I think we can get away with that!\\
(''Elena de Baia de Arama screams as she's crushed to death'')\\
'''Jon:''' There we go, I'm just gonna double-check - I'm hearing a lot of screaming in the background, by the way. No, [the Bulgarians] still absolutely ''love'' me, it's fine. And with that, we're only two kills away from my own Murder Bloodline! Right, where are we going to get two more people to murder?
* The punchline, as seen in Part 11, is that after his frenzy of executions, Jon finds that Perun's dueling kill count and murder/execute count are two different values.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, that's ''gotta'' be a murder! Because I had the option to show him mercy, and I didn't take it! So... alright, fine, whatever. The game's very fussy about what it considers a "murder."
** Jon really wants to get rid of Perun's grandson Perun the Terrible, but plotting to kill someone in a foreign court might get expensive. Alternatively...
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, not gonna deny, probably should have tried this first. Now he's an adult, he's willing to just come to my court. Okay! So this is gonna make life much easier!
** "Also, congrats to Bulgaria for actually starting a war that they are incapable of winning. Again. So, I guess I'll be coming to help out. ''Again."''
** Instead of just plotting to kill Perun the Terrible, Jon decides to have Perun the Wise antagonize his grandson until he can provoke a fatal duel, which might take a while, but hopefully won't give him the Kinslayer trait.
--->'''Jon:''' And that, that's not murder, that's like honor, or chivalry, or something.
** At the same time, he tries to get rid of Dorotheos, another horrible grandchild, through more conventional plotting.
--->'''Jon:''' And to celebrate the imminent death of my terrible, terrible grandson, a drinking contest! Huzzah! Also, I'm going to say, it's downright risky for us to be running our own personal drinking contest at the same time we're organizing a poisoned wine plot to kill whatshisface.
** Jon does eventually clear out the succession, but at what cost?
--->'''Jon:''' I'm gonna be honest, the negative debuffs are starting to, uh, stack up a bit. So yeah, Dishonorable Duel, Ruthless, Title Claimant, Foreigner, Religious Differences, Kinslayer, Known Murderer, Merciless... and I am actually [[NemeanSkinning wearing a blood-soaked bear right now.]] (''beat'') I'm beginning to suspect that Perun has gone a bit off the rails. Possibly Perun is only called "the Wise" by people who are too scared to tell him that "the Evil" is his actual title.
** Part 11 is titled "The Day I Accidentally Invaded the Middle East" because the "Start of a Legend" event fires and Jon, not wanting to give up his spot at the top of the Champions of Perun, rolls with a "pagan crusade" for the Abbasid Empire.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, um, apparently I've ''got'' to go and take care of this. I've just, uh - okay, I may have gotten a bit over my head here. I may have said some things about invading the Middle East I shouldn't have said. Um, things are now getting a bit... out of hand.
** So for fifteen minutes, Perun and some other geriatric Champions wander around the Holy Land, attacking random Abbasid characters they catch taking a whiz in the woods and getting in drunken brawls with the locals.
--->'''Jon:''' I really like how I'm just basically going around murdering the hell out of... ''everybody''. For like, no reason, I'm just going around being a dick right now. This is basically a Dick Pilgrimage, and I ''love'' it.
** Upon Perun's safe return to Serbia, Jon marks the occasion by letting Perun sport [[BeardOfBarbarism a double-beard.]]
* Sadly, though Jon tries to let Perun rest and recover from his Dick Pilgrimage, just minutes into Part 12 the despot succumbs to old age and his injuries, leading Jon to stop and eulogize the legendary king.
-->'''Jon:''' His life was so full I can't fit everything in, but, he is ridiculous! Ridiculously strong on the plains! He was strong, he was clever, he was scarred, he was brawny, he... smelled, slightly, that was true. He had sympathy for pagans, possibly because he kinda was one. He ''occasionally'' murdered his own family, but only because they sucked, alright? A brilliant duelist, loved by those around him, ambitious but still trusting, still a good man [-aside from all of the murders.-]
** The first thing Jon does as Hektor is send the kid to the barber.
--->'''Jon:''' Hektor, Hektor, Hektor, you have not ''earned'' that double-beard, alright? You may have a ''small'' beard, but you have to ''earn'' the double-beard in this family.
** Among Hektor's marital duties is occasionally going next door and helping his wife Queen Filipa put down rebellions, "because that is the polite thing to do, make sure Bulgaria doesn't explode before I inherit it."
** Poor Hektor struggles to escape his father's shadow, and suffers back-talk from his vassals, someone stealing from the royal coffers, and even his wife suggesting he go on a diet.
--->'''Jon:''' No one would have said this to Perun! Flipping ''nobody!'' I feel like I am not getting the same level of respect!
** "Also, what the hell is going on with my children? Why do two of them have genetic abnormalities?"
** Jon's matrimonial merger with Bulgaria continues to be a distraction.
--->'''Jon:''' Momentarily would be an excellent time for a quick holy war to expand into a whole bunch of new territory, love it. So you've got yourself a massive-\\
(''Bulgaria explodes'')\\
'''Jon:''' -advantage there. You'll ''lose'', but you'll take a bunch of them [[DelayedReaction to...]] [-bloody hell-], ''Bulgaria'', could you just ''not'' for ''two cocking minutes!''
** Jon wants Hektor's son to inherit as much of Serbia and Bulgaria as possible, ''but'' also wants some spares around in his court so he can have more control over their upbringing, which will require shifting Hektor's focus from Family to Seduction.
--->'''Jon:''' How long until we can go from, yeah, "sex with the wife" to "sex with literally everybody else?"
** And don't think he's the only one philandering, either.
--->'''Jon:''' "My wife Philipa tells me that she's pregnant, but that can't be right," because she's busy, y'know, defending Bulgaria while I'm over here ruling Serbia. Okay, ignore it, it doesn't matter, it's fine.
** "Also, I forgot to form an alliance with the Bulgarians, which I should definitely do since I'm married to them."
** "Okay, that is the ''third'' genetic defect that we've actually - bloody hell. For ''some'' reason, genetic defects are just all over the place here. One of my children has a lisp, one of them has a stutter, one of them's club-footed, where are these things coming from? [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder Well, presumably whoever my wife has been shacking up with..."]]
** Even when expanding his borders (while another Bulgarian revolt flares in the background), Despot Hektor gets no respect.
--->'''Jon:''' So yeah, bit of a grindy one, Perun obviously would already have won, but screw it, look like it's going pretty well for me. Let's actually check on the state of their economy, by the way... yeah, they're losing eight gold a month, I meanwhile am not losing any...\\
(''an event pops up with his Court Physician urging Hektor to work less'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, I am ''not'' fat, I am ''not'' stressed, everyone needs to leave me alone!
** There might be a consequence to half-assing his alliance with Bulgaria, however.
--->'''Jon:''' Um, so... I can't help but notice, there's been, um, a small change, in Bulgaria. Which is, who the cock are you? "Installed by faction demand," right, the old queen has been kicked out. That is... not good...
* In Part 13, Jon acknowledges that he kind of forgot to banish the old King of Serbia when he usurped the throne back in Part 6, which the comments section was dismayed about because Perun stood to seize 5,000 gold.
** When Hektor comes down with a fever, Jon brushes it off.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, fever is not the ''worst'' thing in the world, I'm not necessarily dying and-\\
(''event pop-up'')\\
'''Jon:''' ...[My physician] is a bit worried about the bubonic plague. Okay, possibly I'm dying, actually.
** "Yeah, I'm just going to say I can imprison whoever the hell I want. So from now I can just toss you people into prison, which is very useful for me, because tossing people in prison means I can start blinding them."
** Jon's confused to see troops from Lesser Poland around Hungary. Fifteen minutes later...
--->'''Jon:''' Ooh, I've just realized why Poland was, ah, puttering around in Hungary. It's because Poland now exists. And it seems to have eaten Bohemia. Like, ''all'' of it.
** Right when Jon's pressing a claim for someone's duchy, he gets a war notification involving the Byzantine Emperor.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, we got a big one going on here in - ''What?!'' Whoa, whoa, whoawhoawhoa, whoa! Hang on! Why are we declaring war on Catholicism! Right, apparently it's over ownership of this one ''tiny'' farm over here that's... close by to Rome, that's true... Are you ''sure'' that this is worth declaring war on the Pope for? Are you one hundred percent sure, my liege?
** "Oh, look at that - we actually re-unified Serbia! And when I say 're-unified' I mean I stole a bit of land over here, and then I stole a bit more land over here."
** Jon makes the somewhat dubious decision to become a Commander for his liege during the war with the papacy, which puts him in an interesting position - so long as he holds the post, he's a contender for the throne, and can call in a favor and have the majority of votes to become the next Emperor should anything happen to the current Byzantine ruler. The downside, of course, is that his character is stuck leading an army under the AI's control.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh bloody hell, this is one hell of a high-stakes war. Depending on how things go, I could lose everything, or become Emperor in ''a second!''
** Jon's plan to inherit Bulgaria ends when Hektor's son Maurikos dies under mysterious circumstances. On the upside, this means Hektor can divorce his wife and find a new one to pop out some new sons.
--->'''Jon:''' Alright, ladies, form an orderly queue, I need to have some children in a flipping hurry!
** He settles on a talented daughter of the current Emperor, even though she normally doesn't swing that way.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm just going to send her a little gift, because we need to really get on with each other. And I know this isn't really your preference, the whole... ''male'' thing, but it's just good politics, it's ''really'' good politics!
** Another downside of Maurikos dying is that Hektor's heir becomes his daughter Konstantine, which has severe consequences due to the current succession law.
--->'''Jon:''' Yes, everything's basically running on agnatic primogeniture, so women wouldn't be able to inherit, with the exception of the Kingdom of Serbia. Literally ''everything'' else is trying to leave the kingdom right now. This is, this is going ''brilliantly'' well, this is ''definitely'' not a danger while I literally march to war against all of Catholicism, simultaneously.
** "There's a lot of... there's an awful lot of changing territory right now. Okay, none of this involves me-" (''event pop-up'') ''"That'' kind of involves me, in fact ''everything'' involves me, we just declared war on ''cocking Europe!"''
** As the war enters the Byzantine heartland, Hektor, naturally, is stuck in a tiny army of two thousand troops worryingly close to the 10k papal doomstack, while the Emperor leads the rest of the army to fight some rebels in the west.
** After an hour-long episode, Jon admits that he needs to go have a cup of tea while he works out what to do in this situation.
* Part 14 is titled "The Succession Crisis" because "my dynasty is looking a bit, um... dead, all things considered. Now some of that, hands up, that's my fault, I have killed a lot of my own children over the years, basically to get them out of the way back in the days of gavelkind. My bad."
** So since Hektor's wife is in fact a lesbian, Jon needs to "find some lovely, lovely, lusty wenches to become my lovers." Like this Simonis woman, who is currently single, but previously married to two husbands... who died young under suspicious circumstances.
--->'''Jon:''' ...Okay, I may regret this, going forward.
** The Duke of Epirus wants to invite Jon over dinner, but after [[InvitedAsDinner the last time]] his character got such a request, Jon declines.
** Ironically enough, it's Princess Parthena who becomes pregnant first, and soon afterward numerous portents of doom start appearing. It is unfortunately a daughter, so Jon names her Eris, "as in the goddess of mischief, who sort of started the Trojan War and basically killed everybody." But then Parthena claims to see visions of angels leading Eris to victory in the future.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, I'm getting mixed messages about how this girl is going to turn out.
** Another quirk is that due to Perun's bloodline effect, at age 0, Eris has a Personal Combat Skill of 10, compared to Basileus Theodotos' ''-17''.
--->'''Jon:''' Meaning technically, if we were to put her in a duel with the Emperor, she ought to actually win. So give her a tiny, tiny mace and let her get at it.
** Despite the distraction of the war between the Pope and Byzantine Emperor, the rest of Europe manages to win the crusade for Jerusalem, and the territory is awarded to England.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, no! No, don't do that! The last time anyone just gave England the Middle East and said "You sort it out," we [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sykes-Picot_Agreement just drew some straight lines on a map]] without really thinking about it very hard, alright? Seriously, they're still fighting wars over it ''today.'' Do ''not'' let Britain do this!
** Jon is elated to finally get a fully-legitimate son from his wife, whom he names Kallistos.
--->'''Jon:''' Everybody, ''protect this child!'' I want all 6,500 members of my army standing in a big circle around him under all cocking circumstances! This child ''must'' survive.
** The Papal-Byzantine War once again touches Serbia, and Jon's retinue gets slaughtered to the last man by Catholic forces.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, but this is fine. You know why this is fine? Because this, this gives me a do-over. Because as it's been pointed out, of course, I'm Greek. Meaning, why am I going for a bunch of light cavalry with a little bit of heavy when right down here, we've got ''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cataphract cataphracts]].''
** Jon gets confused when he spots a Doge Perun of Boukellarion down in southern Anatolia, who he initially mistakes for Hektor's cousin.
--->'''Jon:''' Sorry, that's a different Perun, there's a lot of Peruns running around. The original Perun was just so damned influential, people are naming their children after him all over the shop.
** Unfortunately, Hektor's efforts to produce children with both his wife and two mistresses are making him feel like "we're burning the candle at both ends."
--->'''Jon:''' Which is harsh, because [[NoodleIncident we only did that the one time.]]
** Another event has Hektor feeling like his wife has let herself go, gaining weight-
--->'''Jon:''' She's ''pregnant'', Hektor! She's ''supposed'' to be putting on weight, she's cocking pregnant! This is what we wanted!
** Good news is, the Papal-Byzantine War finally ends with the Empire gaining a new crappy territory in Italy. Bad news is, it immediately revolts, "because ''of course'' it has."
** Jon gets annoyed that his daughters from Hektor's ex-wife, Duchess Filipa the Usurper of Bulgaria, are all adults that he could marry off to form useful alliances, but they refuse to leave their mother's court and she's not making them marry anyone. He considers murdering her to get custody that way, but no one wants to join the plot. However, assassination won't really be necessary.
--->'''Jon:''' Ah, ''but'', she's dying. Okay, let time tick by.\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' In today's episode: Jon is upset to learn his ex-wife has done a good job being a good mother to their daughters, but is then relieved to learn she's dying of cancer.
** In the background of all of this, Shia Islam has been waging a jihad for Burgundy of all places. Since the rest of the world has been distracted by the crusade for Jerusalem and the Pope's war with the Byzantines...
--->'''Jon:''' So, Burgundy is now just a small Islamic exclave in western Europe. So that's fun, that's a thing that just happened, no one could be bothered to stop them. I feel like they're gonna struggle to ''hold'' it, in many ways, like many, many, ''many'' ways, but screw it, good luck to them!
** With a young son to inherit everything, and more people owing him favors, Jon decides to once again throw his hat in as a candidate for basileus, and jumps to the top of the queue. The downside of course is that this means Hektor must be a commander in the Emperor's army...
--->'''Jon:''' ...and the Emperor just started another big, stupid war. What big stupid war did you start ''now?''
* Part 15 is titled "The Death Race," as an aging Hektor impatiently waits for both the current Emperor and his ex-wife to hurry up and croak.
** A Nestorian Christian power rises from the ruins of Armenia, and even though its satrap is suffering from consumption and Possessed by Satan, Jon marries off one of Hektor's children to secure an alliance, because "It's not like I've got a lack of daughters or anything."
--->'''Jon:''' Kale, you head over there, no need for it to be matrilinial or anything, you're not very good so it barely even matters.
** "Oh good! A daughter has been born! I'm so happy, to have ''a ninth daughter!'' She shall be named Why, after [[BigWhy what I yelled]] at the messenger who told me I had a ''ninth daughter."''
** The holy war in north Africa gets derailed by a revolt against the sitting Emperor, which places Jon in a difficult position.
--->'''Jon:''' Right, so, I've teleported home to protect the Emperor who I would like to die. But, if I want to stop protecting him from the revolt that could unseat him in my favor, then I'd have no choice but to resign my commander position, [[Catch22Dilemma meaning I wouldn't be eligible to replace him if he...]] okay, yes, I think I've got my head around that.
** So there's an abandoned holy war in Africa, a civil war in Thrace, religious uprisings in Hungary, and then 10,000 raiders show up in Serbia, "because it never rains, it pours" in the Byzantine Empire.
** To keep Hektor safe, Jon raises his retinue and has Hektor lead it personally, rather than acting at the service of his liege.
--->'''Jon:''' You know, I would love, I'd ''love'' to help you out with your stupid rebellion, Your Majesty, but I'm just too busy dealing with these [Hungarian] rebels for you. I'm so sorry, I'm too busy being such a damn good subject.
** Jon is outraged when Hektor's former lover Simonis, who never gave him a single bastard, immediately goes and bears a son to Duke Radislav "the Seducer" of Hum.
--->'''Jon:''' I hate ''everything.''
** When Jon's mistress becomes pregnant again, he can only plead that it isn't Daughter #10.
** Xene, one of Hektor's daughters, falls ill from dysentery.
--->'''Jon:''' Well, honestly I don't care, alright? I have got plenty of daughters, if a few of them die or get lost, it's fine. But, go on, I guess we'll call the doctor, she's very good at her job.\\
(''less than a week later'')\\
'''Jon:''' Nope, never mind, she's dead. [[AngstWhatAngst And this war continues as both forces continue to refuse to engage the other...]]
** When the stress of keeping his lover Evanthia grows too much for Hektor, Jon marries her off to the steward of Armenia (without noticing or remarking that he's Uncouth, Slothful, Fat, Greedy, and Cruel).
--->'''Jon:''' Right, off she goes, I'm sure Armenia is lovely this time of year. Have fun my da... [[DelayedReaction Armenia.]] Armenia explo- yeah, Armenia is on fire right now. I probably shouldn't have sent her there, to be honest.
** Partikios Arsenios, Doux of Trebizond and Calabria, asks for Hektor's support in exchange for a favor, and Jon's happy to agree since he wouldn't mind having "a powerful ally when it comes to the succession vote." A minute later, he checks the succession support status and is embarrassed to learn Arsenios only has 40 votes.
** Finally, Jon gets a death notice he's been yearning for, and the notification that ''Basileus'' Hektor "the Mule" has inherited the Byzantine Empire.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh. My. Goodness. Oh, what's that? Are you ''dead?'' Oh, no. What a cocking ''tragedy, YES!''
** After becoming basileus, Jon notes that the only Ambition left to Hektor is "Make a Friend."
--->'''Jon:''' That's... that's kind of sad. I spent my entire life chasing power, and not that I've got it, what I've basically realized immediately is... [[LonelyAtTheTop I don't actually have any friends.]] Awwww. Hektor? Do you need a hug?
** When filling the Emperor's new council, Jon gets to appoint powerful vassals like Doux Phokas of Sicily, who's a...
--->'''Jon:''' Familial Kinslayer... ''Cannibal''. Fascinating. Um, he's also not very good. Okay, you may be one of my advisors, who is kept in a different room, that is locked at all times.
* Part 16 is titled "It Turns Out Being Emperor Is Quite Hard," because while economically the new basileus is in good shape, and he has access to some awesome cavalry, he's got a host of powerful vassals who hate him because they think they were kicked off the council, and inherited three wars from the previous ruler. And as soon as Jon unpauses the game after managing his internal diplomacy...
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, so, it's Day One, and we've already got a heretic uprising. And yeah, back in the day, rather nicely my liege used to take care of this nonsense ''for'' me, but now, technically, I'm supposed to deal with it. [...] And there's also [raiding] troops showing up here - okay, so it turns out, being the Byzantine Emperor, as it turns out, is fairly busy and complicated.
** "There are more and more defensive pacts showing up, a whole ''bunch'' of stuff is going on, there's factions like crazy, the council will be discontent for two years, nothing I can do about that... Oh, and I enjoy seeing the Threats tab with twenty-one things in it, that's just ''great."''
** "Oh, and it would appear that the Bulgarians don't want to marry my syphilitic, pregnant, bastard daughter. Which is understandable, really, in many ways. Okay, does that mean I can attack you immediately?"
** Dorothea, the pregnant syphilitic in question, names her bastard Hektor, which Jon takes as a personal attack. But then he sees his grandson's stats and that he has the Quick trait and the Blood of Atilla bloodline, which could make him a real asset...
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, if nothing else ''genetically'' he's useful. Screw it, [[IncestIsRelative I'm getting him matrilineally hitched to one of my daughters.]] Here we go, young Princess Why, the youngest one, why not?\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon 2 episodes before: "How is everybody in my dynasty genetically incorrect and slow?"\\
Jon at 19:59 "Lets marry my bastard grandson to one of my daughters. Why not?"
** From there, Jon looks at the rest of his daughters and decides to set up a medieval SuperBreedingProgram by inviting men with desirable traits to his court to marry them.
--->'''Jon:''' Here we go, not perfect, but Quick, which is pretty good. Single, willing to move to court, wrong religion which is unfortunate, wrong culture which is unfortunate, but... okay, I'd say it's worth doing some interesting, yeah, ''experiments'' here. See if we can actually produce some decent children. So, you are now going to marry this man, and we are going to create some bloodline-y, strong, smart children, it's gonna be ''magnificent.''
** "There's actually a slot open, but yeah, the guys we ''want'' to be on the council aren't actually allowed to be, so... is there anybody in the empire who would be a loyalist? No, literally nobody, okay."
** When Prince Kallistos comes of age, Jon looks him over and declares [[DamnedByFaintPraise "I mean... it's not the best, but it's not a disaster! I'm willing to accept 'not a disaster' at this point!"]]
** The good news is, Kallistos has enough support to become emperor should Hektor die. Bad news is, "the only reason these people are voting for me, is because they ''have'' to."
--->'''Jon:''' I feel like a lot of people want to vote for Theodoros and - oh bloody hell, he's actually ''good!'' Well ''that's'' not fair! And on top of that, he's one of only six people in the entire empire who isn't actually plotting against me, so I can't arrest him! I mean, in theory... in theory, in theory, in theory, I could just use the economy of the empire to buy favors to force everyone to back my son, which would be the most horrendously corrupt thing imaginable, yet also strangely historically accurate.
** When putting down an ally's revolt, Jon gets the option to have Hektor duel an enemy commander
--->'''Jon:''' If, in theory, Hektor were to die in battle, right now, then officially, Kallistos takes over. Like, he has to, them's the rules. So... I'm not saying I ''want'' Hektor to be killed in some nothing battle in the middle of nowhere. But if it ''does'' happen, it kind of works for me! And... oh, okay, unfortunately I just won.
** Jon's ''finally'' able to wrap up the old wars and start his long-awaited campaign to retake Anatolian territory from the Abbasids. To his surprise, they capitulate well before Jon builds up 100% warscore. Then he sees the state of the territory he just liberated.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, there's a small epidemic of some description going down here - hang on, what is that - smallpox, that's bad, actually, yes.
** "I would like it to be known that at least ''some'' people are voting for my son by choice [--kind of.--] And those that aren't are surprisingly close, actually - let me just send you a bit of money, there we go, plenty of money, that's probably gonna help you change your mind..."
** To give Kallistos some experience ruling, and to get beneath Hektor's demense size limit, Jon gives his heir the recently-liberated, still-plagued Duchy of Samos.
--->'''Jon:''' Please, for the love of god, do ''not'' die of smallpox.
** "I feel like I deserve bonus points from my vassals for roaming around with my cataphracts, murdering these raiders and rebels and whatnot. I'm doing a good job keeping things nice and secure, dammit. So, you guys can naff off, you're wandering off somewhere, there's more bloody raiders everywhere - okay, this is a thankless job. As it turns out, being the emperor, you spend a lot of time just putting down rebellions and-" (''pop-up'') "Okay, there's also ''looting'' going on right now..."
** When Jon gets the event with Hektor's wife saying she no longer loves him, he's ready to accept it, but then he sees the "She is given a night she won't soon forget!" option.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm 59 years old and Stressed, this is ''potentially dangerous''. But then - hang on, just double check here. Yes, I am most definitely lining up Kallistos up next. If I ''die'' being too good at sex, one, it gets my son straight on the throne, which is great actually, and two, [[OutWithABang that's just an]] ''[[OutWithABang amazing]]'' [[OutWithABang thing to have on the tombstone.]] Yes, all right, let's see if I can kill myself through heart-attack sex!
** Once again, in an (unsuccessful) attempt to get the Ambitious trait, Jon tries to steal a Nail of the True Cross. He doesn't have the gold to bribe the abbot who has it, so he can only take the "grab it and run" option.
--->'''Jon:''' I feel like I'm making bad decisions at the end of my life, here. Um... we'll give it a go because I literally don't have any other option, and see how that shakes out. If the guards cut me down, great, thumbs up! Again, that's a pretty badass way to go out of this world!
** When Hektor finally dies of severe stress, Jon only shrugs "this is not a bad thing." Then he changes his mind when he sees how Kallistos' military inexperience has emboldened the plotters against him. ''And...''
--->'''Jon:''' Did we know he was secretly Catholic?! No, nonono, definitely not!
** One of the first events Kallistos gets to deal with is a warning that one of the family relics needs some sprucing-up.
--->'''Jon:''' Um, okay, so apparently the Imperial Diadem - y'know, the symbol of imperial power - has got a bit old and dusty, so if I'm not willing to spend 600 gold on maintenance, we're just going to toss it in the bin. ''The Imperial cocking Diadem'' would just be tossed in ''the cocking bin!''
** Jon decides to nominate Princess Eris as Kallistos' successor, because "Why the flip not?"
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, the reason why the flip not is because that's my primary title, so if she were to somehow win, I'd maintain the empire and lose literally everything else. Right, baby Ioseph it is, then.
* In Part 17, Jon decides to help shore up support for the new Emperor by pressing some vassals' claims on some easy targets, like Amalfi.
-->'''Jon:''' By any chance are you part of any form of, say, defensive league because I'm threatening? Not at the moment. (''cheerfully'') Good, good good good, you're going to regret that!
** As a contingency in case of a mass revolt, Jon decides to invest in his core territories' military infrastructure, sees that they're already being upgraded, and declares "I'm one step ahead of myself."
** Basileus Kallistos' unpopularity means there is naturally a plot on his life, but Jon's reassured by the fact that it's very hard to kill an emperor. Then he checks the Intrigue tab.
--->'''Jon:''' Oooh, I ''say'' that, um, 82% [plot power]. As it turns out, everyone's on board - [[EtTuBrute even you, Loncho?!]] Loncho, I thought we were friends. (''checks Loncho's +1 opinon of Kallistos'') Okay, we're not desperately good friends.
** "The King of England, rather oddly, wants his second-oldest son to marry my bastard daughter, who has Lover's Pox, and Great Pox, and is a Lunatic, and is a Bastard." (''beat'') "I mean ''sure'', you're welcome to her!"
** After winning a war with Amalfi to press a vassal's claim on a county to win over that vassal, Jon notes that "Hilariously, this guy still actually hates me, because now he's powerful enough that he wants a seat on the council. Which he can't have, because he was recently fired."
** When Kallistos' wife falls ill, Jon's instinctive response is [[MurderByInaction "I mean, she]] ''[[MurderByInaction is]]'' [[MurderByInaction Chaste..."]]
** To gain the Piety to found the Kingdom of Sicily to give to the Doux of Siciliy to make him a happy vassal, Jon has Kallistos join the Community of St. Basil so he can make some religious donations. Then he discovers that only gives him Devotion, not Piety, and ditches the group in less than a week.
** Jon makes a pre-emptive strike at one of the people plotting to kill him, Konstantine Choirosphaktes, and succeeds in poisoning her wine, but everyone knows he did it. And Jon belatedly realizes that he just had Kallistos kill his half-sister.
--->'''Jon:''' Am I a [[KinslayingIsASpecialKindOfEvil Kinslayer]] now, is that a thing that - yes, I'm a Kinslayer. Right. That's, that's less good. She didn't ''kill'' me, but I did ''not'' need -10 [opinion] to literally - oh dear. Okay. She might, hilariously, achieve her goal after death.
** "Okay, as it turns out, literally everyone in the world hates me because I murdered my half-sister. Now, in my defense, ''she'' started it."
** As if the Pope personally fighting against a jihad for Catholic Egypt and capturing the Abbasid Caliph isn't weird enough, Jon notices Paraetonium, an Irish, pagan kingdom west of Alexandria "that also owns this tiny bit of land up here [in Hungary], because why wouldn't it?" And then not long after Bulgaria manages to eat Armenia, Jon invites a 16-year-old Nubian Monophysite Christian to his court because of his weak claims on the kingdoms of Bavaria, Italy and Romagna.
** Part 17 is titled "The Secret," and it takes forty minutes for Jon to reveal why. It's not because the current Byzantine Emperor is secretly Catholic, it's that he has the learning to undertake a very special quest chain related to classical mythology. Jon's ultimate plan isn't to restore the Roman Empire to its old borders, he's trying to recreate a ''Hellenic'' Roman Empire.
** "People are trying to kill my wife, Anna. To be honest, good, she's ''really'' failed to provide me any children."
** "Okay, the plan to kill me is back again, because of my... my rival? ''[[UnknownRival I have no idea who you are!"]]''
** "The thing about being a Kinslayer is, [[ThenLetMeBeEvil I now may as well kill as many people as I want.]] So getting my wife out of the way, so I can have a new, more Lusty wife, that would be a good thing to do right now."
** Empress Anna ''does'' get pregnant, though Kallistos is sure that can't be right, but Jon decides not to ask any questions. At least until the bastard is born and...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, and of ''course'' it was a daughter, why ''wouldn't'' it be a daughter. Let's just do this ''dance'' again. The girl's name shall be Nope, to mark my thorough rejection.
* Jon starts off Part 18 by showing off how far he's come in his attempt to revive Hellenism.
-->'''Jon:''' ...a prospering, brilliant religion that currently has... two members. Technically more than that, but plenty of them are like commoners down in Serbia, so we don't actually consider them.
** "Oh, and good news - more people are planning to kill my useless wife Anna. Good! Good good good! Do I know who they are, because I will join them!"
* "There we go, I've got some fun stuff now. I'm a Falconer, I'm a Scholar, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick I occasionally stab my own family members..."]]
** Jon once again switches his character to a Seduction focus to try to get a male heir, even if it's a bastard. But his past actions cause some problems.
--->'''Jon:''' The number of women willing to come to my court is ''terrifyingly'' low. Honestly, you murder one member of your family, and all of a sudden no one wants to be in your family anymore.
** Though Jon is able to find Kallistos a lover, Princess Nikoletta ends up exposing the affair and causing a royal scandal.
--->'''Jon:''' Honestly, I can't complain, alright? Me and my half-sisters don't get on that well.
** In other family drama, Princess Eris, she who will either save or destroy the Byzantine Empire, has a falling-out with Kallistos, decalares herself his bitter rival, and moves into the court of Venice.
** Naturally, when Kallistos does get his lover Caracosa pregnant, the resulting bastard is yet another daughter. But again, Jon doesn't have any other options.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, there must be ''someone'' in this court I can have sex with... okay, you can have ''one'' more chance, but only because I basically can't find anyone else desirable in this world who wants to sleep with me.
** For forty minutes, Jon enjoys success spreading his pagan cult and converting key vassals to Hellenism, and less success in popping out a direct successor. Then he gets the notification that there's a crusade aimed at Thrace.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so... they've got one-and-a-half times as much strength as I do. Which is... good, obviously. That's ''great''. ''Everyone'''s on board with this, the King of Ireland, the King of Bavaria, the King of England, that's, ah, yep, that's Venice, obviously, King of Italy... they're all coming. They're all on their way. And they're coming straight for Constantinople.
* Jon spends the first ten minutes of Part 19 preparing for the crusader onslaught, but is still shocked when he sees the size of their vanguard.
-->'''Jon:''' Who's going to arrive - that's one man. One man, right there, who is... simultaneously a light infantryman, and a heavy infantryman, and an archer. Not sure how that works, but okay.
** "Also, Zeta is prospering, because we've watered the field with the blood of the Pope's followers!"
** Jon has an ally to give him visibility in western Europe, because for some reason Bulgaria owns Aquitaine.
--->'''Jon:''' I swear, every time I look, Bulgaria owns more and more land, and I don't even know how they're bloody doing it. But on this occasion, I'm not complaining.
** Jon barely cares that Kallistos' wife got pregnant while he was in the field, but is exasperated when it's yet another daughter. Then he gets a notification that Anna is gravely ill due to complications from the childbirth.
--->'''Jon:''' Excellent! Okay, good, new wife soon!
** (Un)fortunately, Anna survives the ordeal, though is "weakened and fragile."
--->'''Jon:''' Dammit, she survived. Okay, would've been nice to have a good, more Lusty wife, but what can you do, eh?
** ...but then she passes way not long after.
--->'''Jon:''' Yes! My wife's dead! Good, good good good good good! Right, ''better'' wife time!
** While perusing his list of likely ladies, Jon dismisses a lot of them as incompatible for religious reasons before remembering "Jon, you're not Orthodox. That's kind of the whole point."
** "Speaking of money, we're still losing money. Yeah, I need some of these mercenaries to die, actually, so a big, destructive battle would actually be great, to be perfectly honest."
** "We've won a siege over in... I'm guessing that's over... there's four fronts to this war, and it's getting confusing!"
** When Kallistos catches his daughter Nope reading his letters, Jon's tempted to beat her to get Cruel for the boost to his Personal Combat Skill, but changes his mind not on any moral grounds, but because he can't afford the penalty to vassal opinion.
** "Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, I'm bankrupt, there's been a small miscalculation here..."
** Since Jon's emptied his treasury supporting the mercenaries he's used to fill out his forces (not to mention a massive fleet that's spent half the war sitting in a harbor), his final gamble to simultaneously raise his war score by capturing territory, loot some money to pay his mercenaries, and get some of the mercs killed so he ''doesn't'' have to pay them, is to have a diversionary force storm Egypt, no matter the casualties. Then he double-checks that army.
--->'''Jon:''' Those weren't mercenaries. (''cracks up'') I don't know who those guys were, but they weren't mercenaries.
** Incredibly, near the end of the crusade, Jon gets the event where Kallistos starts reading another religious text and considers converting.
--->'''Jon:''' No, I am ''not'' going Catholic, not after all of this!
* Less than a minute into Part 20, Jon gets a notification that someone's trying to kill one of his many, many daughters.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh no. Someone's plotting to kill Gregoria. Whatever will I do without her.
** Jon mourns the loss of Marco the Lion, the Bulgarian king who helped Byzantium stand against the crusaders. Then he notices that his successor "is just some random child, who I've got no relationship with whatsoever, and who sort of hates me, and who doesn't have that much in the way of troops..."
** Jon remarries Kallistos to a woman named Agarte, [[ValuesDissonance a 16-year-old "Master Seductress"]] with Gray Eminence, who will almost certainly cheat on him.
--->'''Jon:''' She is gonna cheat on me ''so'' much. But in way, do I actually care? Because I still get children, ''so'' many children. Yeah, we're doing it, you're coming to court, I'm marrying ya... This here, this is all going to end in tears before bedtime, but... Screw it, I've got a good feeling about this!
** Of course, Kallistos is still seeing his old mistress, who in due course produces ''two'' bastard sons who Jon legitimizes, at the cost of the relationship with his new wife.
--->'''Jon:''' You know, I really should have just married my girlfriend. That way, both of those children would have been 100% legitimate, "Born in the Purple," all of it.
** And since the kids are bastards, Jon can't rename them, so he mocks the idea of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carolingian_Empire an emperor named Carlo.]]
** Jon takes a few minutes to look over the House Choirosphaktes family tree.
--->'''Jon:''' The dynasty's got, um... there's a lot of, y'know, ''dead ends'' in it. Some of those are my fault, admittedly.
** While in seclusion due to an outbreak of Camp Fever, Jon gets an event where someone's discovered moving through some secret passages, that escalates until Emperor Kallistos is maimed in a riot.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm Severely Injured, and I'm still suffering from Camp Fever, and I'm One-Handed. That is... that's enough to kill ya. I'm getting very scared here, and- (''event pop-up'') Okay. Also, I've just eaten all the food. Right, this is... this has gone all horribly wrong. We were having a really ''good'' day.
** When Jon finally has a son with his actual wife, and a Quick one no less, he decides to rename the kid from Petros to Zeus.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay. So. I have got myself a beautiful son. Problem is, he's not actually first in line... ''yet''.
** Even though Jon has been bitten by it in the past, he picks "Struggle" for young Carlo's childhood focus because he really wants the kid to get Willful and Rowdy.
--->'''Jon:''' It's going to work. And if it doesn't, then I've got a much better younger brother we could engineer into place.
** The Queen-Mother of Sicily sends Jon a puppy, who he whimsically names Lucifer because the game gives him the option to. [[WhatDidYouExpectWhenYouNamedIt Said puppy proceeds to bite several dog handlers, kills all the other dogs in the palace, and even mauls the princess of Bulgaria to death]], leading Jon to worry that the mutt really ''is'' Satan.
--->'''Jon:''' That's... fine, possibly bad dog - [[PuppyDogeyes oh, I can't say mad at you, Lucifer, you're such a good dog!]]
* Jon kicks off Part 21 by declaring that it's "the day I'm going to ruin ''everything"'' by jumping out of "the Hellenic closet."
** Jon explains he doesn't like to turn on the "automatically stop plots" function just in case one turns out to be beneficial.
--->'''Jon:''' Like, say, right here - my brother Ioseph potentially wants to kill Prince Carlo. He doesn't have the support to do it just yet, but... honestly, there's an argument to say we might just want to let him.
** Despite the plot, Prince Carlo turns 14, and Jon admits "I'm gonna be honest... I'm underwhelmed" - he's Rowdy, Indolent, and already Stubborn.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so... the thing I ''could'' do, would be - no. Wait, yes! I could just put him into Ambitious, become Rivals, and then duel the flip out of him in order to murder him. Now, technically, this makes me "the murderer of my own son," but it kinda doesn't matter, because I already murdered my sister-in-law or whatever, so it's not like one more body on the pile's gonna make anyone think any less of me. Yes, you, become Ambitious, go on!
** It doesn't take long for Jon to see the downside of his new plan, however.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, um, when I say "I'm just going to murder him," yeah, I can see what that's potentially gonna be difficult to do. Because yeah, actually, I now only got Personal Combat Skill of 17, because I'm now old. And also some random woman we let into the castle cut my hand off that one time, which I can see how, yeah, that would slow me down a bit.
** Later on, Prince Giordano turns 14, and Jon decides to once again encourage the boy to become Ambitious and a personal rival, because "once you've got one son who hates you and is planning to murder you, you may as well have more, to be honest."
--->'''Jon:''' Like, Kallistos is getting on. His beard has gone gray, as happens when you hit 50 - precisely 50, on that day you go and you dye your beard gray, because that's just what you do...
** Halfway into the episode, Kallistos' doctor thinks his cough is a symptom of cancer, and remarkably turns out to be right. With little to lose, Jon tries an experimental treatment, and...
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so just to be clear - he ''released a swarm of bees into the room where I was'', and apparently I feel ''amazing'' for the next five years! So that's... that's a thing! Well flipping done!
** Since Kallistos only has a few years of life left, Jon decides to openly declare his Hellenism, even though he knows he's nowhere near ready.
--->'''Jon:''' How many people are in this society... twelve! Twelve people are going to bring back cocking Zeus, it's going to be beautiful!
** This results in uprisings against Jon's few Hellenic allies and a Catholic revolt against Jon in his own territory. Though at least the latter leads to an important discovery.
--->'''Jon:''' I should probably start ''whoa, what the cock?!'' Okay, so apparently I'm not using thirteen ''thousand'' retinue cap right now. That's... should have been checking that.
** During the war, Jon is notified that there's a plot against Prince Giordano.
--->'''Jon:''' Honestly, kill him, he's got an evil mustache, he's going to turn on me sooner or later, you just go for it.
** "Oh my goodness, the most important event of all has just triggered - a small cat is demanding my attention."
** "Also, I can't help but notice something - Queen Phyllis has gone Catholic. The King of Epirus has gone Catholic. Uh, the queen [of Trebizond] is - okay, the queen is still Orthodox, but I feel like I might have just completley super-boned Orthodoxy."
** "Oh my flipping goodness. After all of the hope that we've put into Zeus, it's not worked out ''at all''. I think you're worse now than you were when you were a child, that's ''appalling!"''
** Kallistos' first cancer treatment wears off, so Jon decides to "keep rolling the dice" and try something experimental again.
--->'''Jon:''' Uh oh. Um... so, as it turns out - okay, he ''also tried releasing bees!'' (''laughing'') But it didn't work out well this time! Dammit, he released the wrong type of bees! I'm now 56. I'm suffering from cancer. I've just suffered Horrible Mistreatment. That's probably not good... (''cracks up'') Still, that's a hell of a thing to put on your tombstone: "Died of too many bees."
** The "bee thing" wears off, so Jon tries one more experimental cancer treatment, "but this time, ''no more bees."'' The result...
--->'''Jon:''' [[BadNewsInAGoodWay On the plus side, my Diplomacy was terrible anyway, and other people who don't have faces do like me more...]]
** "And as perhaps we should have expected, Emperor Kallistos has passed on, due to the terrible accident of too many bees, not enough face. That's what we're going to be writing on his tombstone."
** When Kallistos's epitaph says "he's now with Neptune," Jon takes that as "possibly a euphemism for how we've just tossed him into the sea, I'm not one hundred percent sure."
** After the great Hellenism revival fizzled under Kallistos, Jon notes that Emperor Ioseph is publically Orthodox and secretly Hellenic, and has the option to start a secret Hellene cult.
--->'''Jon:''' So, ''technically'', we could just do - I could just do a complete do-over. I could try again! The fact that Hellenism sort of failed the first time, that doesn't matter any more. I can - ''[cracks up]'' Okay. So, that's... that's a thing I'm allowed to do. Because I apparently didn't come out as Hellenic, though I swear I did. Did I just like step back into the Orthodox closet and now for some reason everybody accepts that? I don't know how the hell they've fallen for it, but I can just found a brand new Hellene Society and gain 1,000 Virtue and... what, ''what''?
** One of Ioseph's first acts as emperor is to have the court physician, who significantly worsened Kallistos' health by having a swarm of bees attack him and cutting off his face in an attempt to cure his cancer, thrown in prison. And then he tortures him for good measure, in a way that Jon assumes involves bees.
* Jon spends the first part of Part 22 looking over the Choirosphaktes family tree, from the branches that end abruptly due to "tragic, tragic accidents in which I murdered them," to Prince Zeus who raises the question of "how is someone who is Quick and Born in the Purple this damn bad?" to young members of the dynasty who are inexplicably in the court of Amalfi, as is traditional.
** Rather than converting the current crop of Byzantine vassals to Hellenism, Jon's new plan is to install some of Kallistos' converts into positions of leadership, by using Righteous Imprisonment against people he has no hope of imprisoning, crushing them when they revolt in response to the imprisonment attempt, and then stripping them of their holdings. Hence the episode's title "What If We Just Throw Everybody In Prison?"
--->'''Jon:''' Y'see, we ''tried'' just subtly talking people 'round into accepting the glory of Zeus, but they wouldn't listen, they just wouldn't listen. And Greece, you took a Hellenic king and let him ''die'' in your dungeons. And ''that'' means, you are going to be flipping ''smashed.''
** In the middle of a vassal fight, Jon gets a notification that pieces of the Hagia Sophia are crumbling, and rather than spend 50 gold to repair it, Jon just pawns off the chunks for 100 gold.
--->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' And in this video, Jon engages in the traditional British pastime of selling bits of ancient ruins to those who want a statue. I don't know why I'm surprised.\\
'''Other [=YouTube=] comment:''' He complains about ancient monuments and structures of the ancient Greek world being in ruins in his ''[[VideoGame/AssassinsCreedOdyssey AC oddessy]]'' vids, then he sells pieces of ancient structures in this for pocket change.
** Jon's tickled when [[https://youtu.be/6CYM1p2Q4ac?t=2054 once again]], a unit of pikemen in the mountains of Avlonas manages to repel a superior force.
--->'''Jon:''' The Greek army has just been defeated by a bunch of randoms on a mountain. Who just basically kill ''literally everything that ever goes their direction''. Oh, that's beautiful, I love you guys, you guys deserve medals.
** "Oh, and here's fun. I think we actually tossed out the old Finger of St. John, now I can just buy a new one for 10 gold, marvelous."
** An awkward consequence of two emperors' differing strategies to introduce Hellenism is that in the middle of the closeted-Hellene Emperor Iospeh trying to defeat a rogue vassal to install a Hellene replacement, he has to deal with a Hellenic revolt in his home territories due to Emperor Kallistos' efforts to spread the faith among the peasantry.
--->'''Jon:''' They're not actually "accursed infidels," but I can see why you'd want to say that out loud in public.
** After getting Ioseph divorced, Jon discovers that was actually his ''second'' wife, and his first died in the dungeons of...
--->'''Jon:''' ...Emperor Kallistos. (''beat'') Does anyone remember why I did that?
** "It's kind of unfortunate that most of the people who are Lustful in the world are also lesbians. So, y'know, they do want to do it, just not with ''me."''
** "Though I do rather approve of the fact that yes, my Hellenic duke of Thrace has come to me to say 'Would you believe, the Patriarch of Orthodoxy is ''preaching Orthodoxy!'' We need to do something about this, sir!' I'm going to be honest, I was expecting him to do so, that's fine."
** After spending a good chunk of the episode subduing the rebellious King of Greece and throwing him in a dungeon, Jon discovers that he can't strip him of his titles due to a nonaggression pact from a marriage to Ioseph's niece. So Jon breaks the pact for a -10 diplomatic modifier and loss of Prestige, which forces a truce for two years. Then he finds that he ''can't'' revoke everything and decides to wait out the two-year truce to try to revoke the king's titles on religious grounds, except the guy's Stressed, Severely-Injured, and Depressed. So Jon takes the guy out of prison into "house arrest," but ''then'' he decides to convert the king's heir instead, which means he doesn't need the rebel king alive after all.
--->'''Jon:''' You, my good man - sorry, I know we put you in house arrest, you're actually going in the oubliette, because I actually don't care anymore.
** To wrap up the episode, Jon gives a tour of his world and its oddities, such as the Jewish superstate of Antioch, an Irish splinter kingdom next to Papal Egypt, [[https://youtu.be/6CYM1p2Q4ac?t=4849 and some obscene bordergore.]]
--->'''Jon:''' Eastern Europe, by the way, let's just not talk about Eastern Europe, because those of you with a, y'know, sensitive or OCD disposition, this is... this is not fun. Eastern Europe has just sort of got itself involved in a great big game of Twister, and lord only knows what's going on there.
* Part 23 opens with an episode of "Let's Talk About the Things Jon Did Sub-Optimally," where he admits that the whole business with creating, granting, and revoking kingdom titles so the vassal he prefered could inherit them could have been avoided if he'd just been using the viceroys mechanic.
** "Also, I just had a glance north, and I don't really enjoy doing that, because the north is, um... I'm ''so sorry'', I didn't make this bordergore, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell's going on here. There are now ''two Bohemias''..."
** "Also, I may have completely missed at some point that the King of Bulgaria is literally my nephew. Which ''would'' explain why he's getting on with me, yes."
** "Ah yes, Zacharias the Count of Skull Mountain. You, my friend, I wouldn't care so much if you happened to get attacked [while collecting taxes], so how about you just get on with... why are there raiders attacking Constantinople?"
** Jon's dismayed when he gets a specific event due to Ioseph's Cynical trait.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh no, I've started yelling at people giving me cookies, in case the cookies are poisoned. And I really shouldn't do that, because people will stop giving me cookies, and cookies are great!
** With a quiet-ish empire and content vassals, Jon decides to take the opportunity to change some laws, but first learns that he's lacking the technology needed for the increased centralization he wants. And then he learns...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh! Okay, I was planning to just say, you know, move my capital over to Constantinople, to take advantage of its bustling, advanced technology, but as it turns out, uh, no, that's not a thing. Constantinople is actually ''backwards'' next to Zeta, pretty much. So that's, that's surprising, Zeta is evidently the technical capital of the world!
** Between the secret Hellenic societies Jon's funding and the cost of his retinue nipping over to crush yet another Jewish uprising in Crimea, the Byzantine Empire gets a bit low on cash.
--->'''Jon:''' Just in theory, what sort of extortion could we pull off here?
** "The entire empire is just [[AChildShallLeadThem being run by children,]] at the minute. This just keeps happening!"
** "You know, I'm thinking there should be a longer cooldown on religious rebellious. Because this is the - what is it, third? Fourth?"
** Emperor Ioseph becomes known as "the Strong," which Jon thinks "kind of feels like a you know, pity-title, to be honest."
--->'''Jon:''' Like, "You know what, he hasn't done anything else worth noting, so... you know what, he's a pretty bulky guy, we'll say he's like, strong! That'll do!"
** Against his better judgment, Jon decides to hold a grand tournmanet, and in short order "the maiming has begun!"
--->'''Jon:''' ...and my own doctor was just ''killed!'' Right, well that's... that's unfortunate, the physician apparently could not heal thyself. (''event pop-up'') Okay, that's three deaths, as well! Do we maybe want to like, I dunno, call this thing off? (''event pop-up'') Okay, ''more'' people are dying, but then he was actually Orthodox heresy, so whatever. (''event pop-up'') Um, okay, that's four deaths... (''event pop-up'') Five... I'm regretting doing this tournament at this point, too many people are dying in it!
** "Also, I think I might have been married to this woman at some point, because apparently she's really annoyed about a divorce."
** Jon thinks that the Chancellor position is cursed, because every guy he sends down to fabricate a claim on Papal Alexandria ends up dying.
** In the background of Jon's empire-managing, Epirus is wracked by a civil war that's been going on for so long "it's started to be inherited down generations!" When it finally ends, Epirus is a ''tribal'' kingdom for a little bit, but then its new leader gets captured by bandits and eventually dies in battle. The usurper's son takes over, but then the original king just shows up and says "actually, you know what, I'm king after all. So basically that entire civil war was for ''nothing."''
** Ioseph "wishes to give King Jon the Fat a bit of a run for his money" by becoming [[AdiposeRex so bloated that he can't stand up without assistance]].
** After decades of work and a fifty-minute episode, Emperor Ioseph declares himself openly Hellene and ''doesn't'' trigger an immediate civil war! And since his vassals have been dilligently expanding the empire's borders...
--->'''Jon:''' We have got the money. We have got the manpower. We are in a strong, strong position and, because I've been dealing with this internal business for a couple of decades, my Threat has completely worn away. Europe... suspects nothing. And that means next time, ladies and gentlemen, the fun begins.
* Jon opens Part 24 by declaring that despite the seeming success of Hellenism, "this could all go horribly wrong - in fact, it's definitely going to go at least a little horribly wrong, yet."
-->'''Jon:''' Because what I did, I made sure we had a bunch of Hellenic kings over in Sicily, in Trebizond, Bulgaria, large parts of Croatia... the problem is, however, that's just the kings. The actual number of people who are Hellenic in the world is not spectacular. I made sure to convert ''my'' territory before we actually flipped the switch, so we've got ourselves Serbia over here, a bit of Ionia and Athens over there. But yeah, the rest of the people around the world are... not exactly convinced yet.
** On the upside, he has some dukes around that could be loyal subjects, among other perks.
--->'''Jon:''' We've got a duke over here who's got - here we flipping go - my favorite thing in the world, [[MistakenForPedophile a very young male child,]] still young enough to be converted to Hellenism.
** "What's this over here? Why, it's Italy, with a ''child'' on the throne, with only 7,000 troops. And with no Threat, there's no defensive pacts whatsoever. Oh, nonaggression pact with Hungary? Yeah, that'll help you out an awful flipping lot..."
** Jon admits that maybe he ought to have invited someone with claims in Italy to his court ''before'' going full Hellene, so they wouldn't refuse to come due to religious differences.
--->'''Jon:''' Though, I do find this hilarious, by the way. Which is, my zodiac sign is Gemini, which is just a general -5 [opinion penalty], which is just ridiculous, but whatever. But yeah, this person hates me, because they're a Catholic. And I'm a stupid pagan, who believes in stupid pagan things, like the zodiac, what a bunch of idiots! And you know what's even worse? ''[[HypocriticalHumor He's]]'' [[HypocriticalHumor a]] ''[[HypocriticalHumor Gemini!]]''
** "What I should be focusing on the time being is... one, Constantinople is under siege, and I forgot about that. That's fine, we'll just send some troops over there to see them off."
** Jon notes that Iospeh being so corpulent that he can't get out of bed anymore doesn't actually give him a Health debuff, but he wants to get rid of the trait anyway, and so shifts to a Hunting focus. "So, I feel sorry for the horse quite frankly, but we're going."
** Jon's generational strategy to revive Hellenism hits some turbulence when the heirs he's grooming start dying in mysterious circumstances, but there are other children to work with.
--->'''Jon:''' You can assassinate as many children as you want, I shall simply create more.
** Jon isn't sure whether a 7-year-old is "too old to begin the Hellenic [[Franchise/StarWars Jedi]] training."
** The rabidly Catholic duke of Epirus needs to go, for reasons.
--->'''Jon:''' Peter, you have acted dishonorably towards me in a way that isn't one-hundred-percent clear. But what you ''also'' did was engage in a civil war that lasted for decades and achieved ''nothing.'' I mean, I'll give you due credit, you did a good job expanding the empire into [Crimea], but then you didn't bother building cities so you'd get to keep it - like, I had to buy those cities. I spent like 1,600 gold just reinforcing your own flipping territory! And I don't even get taxes out of it! So I consider that dishonorable enough, you are going to be arrested, which is going to fail, which means you're going to raise your armies, which means I get to smash you in the face. Oh my goodness, he's raised his flag in rebellion, who could have seen that one coming?
** Tragically, Emperor Ioseph dies before the war is resolved. "This seems to happen a lot - we try to introduce Hellenism, and then the very next day, you just drop dead. So that's... that's a shame."
** When Poseidon takes over the empire, some of Ioseph's titles pass to Despot Hektor II of Serbia, "but yeah, he won't be holding on to that stuff for long, let's just put it that way."
** The episode gets the title "How Venice Broke the Universe" because Epirus is simultaneously in a war with Emperor Poseidon and Venice, which has occupied one of the territories Jon needs to take to get his warscore up to 100%. So Jon has to reload the save as Peter of Epirus, surrender to Venice, go back to playing as Poseidon, and accepting Epirus' surrender. And hope that the AI hasn't screwed the empire up too much in the three days it had control of it.
** The bad news is, Catholicism mobilizes again for a crusade. Good news is, its target is Brythoniaid.
--->'''Jon:''' You guys are ''wasting'' a crusade on sending all of Christendom to attack... ''Wales.'' (''beat'') I mean, fair enough, I suppose. You were a bit humiliated during the last crusade, so sure, go for a softer target this time.
** "Oh my goodness, King Peter just joined the crusade ''from prison'', and is deploying troops to assist. Right, moving over to Epirus because we've got more revoking to do..."
** Duke Ignio of Epirus then get the viceroyal crown to the kingdom and a number of other titles, which makes him quite happy with his emperor.
--->'''Jon:''' Now, I only want one, one tiny, ''tiny'' thing in return, and that's your firstborn child. And it's done, next in line to the Epirus throne shall now be Hellenic.
** To help Poseidon get out some heirs, Jon decides a Seduction focus is less useful than the Diplomacy boost from Family focus, "and speaking of which, I need one of those."
** "And who'd have thought it, the combined powers of Western European Catholicism were successfully able to subdue south Wales."
** To weaken a sprawling Kingdom of Bulgaria, Jon creates the Kingdom of Wallachia to break off chunks of it.
--->'''Jon:''' So, that is now the shape of the Byznatine Empire. I think I've made it slightly more bordergore-y. But, just in case you think that's a mess, just look up north, okay. Seriously, next to how Eastern Europe's doing, I'm doing a lovely, lovely job.
* In Part 25, Jon thinks it's time to put the "Rome" back in the ''Basileia tōn Rhōmaiōn'', which is made simpler by the Kingdom of Sicily's campaigns in the area.
-->'''Jon:''' Yes, he did just burn Rome down a bit. Good, I'm going to go burn them down myself, shortly.
** "I am also rather fond of the fact that all this religious nonsense means everybody keeps sending preachers to my court. And I just get to keep throwing them in prison. And then, you can make some really good money just [ransoming] them, or if you want to, just kill them, for fun!"
** A welcome side benefit of expanding toward Rome is that it increases Hellenism's Moral Authority rating.
--->'''Jon:''' Which is going to make it a ''tiny'' bit faster for people to come 'round to Zeus being the One True God. Aside from all the other gods, who are ''also'' One True Gods. [[SidetrackedByTheAnalogy Then there are, like, sorta-gods, like the anthropomorphic personification of night?]] Who is like mentioned in ''Literature/TheIliad'' and is ''sorta'' a god - okay, Hellenic religion is a little bit on the fuzzy side, I'll admit.
** "Also, good for King Zeus, he's decided to actually attack King Gandalfr to take over more of southern France. I mean, you know what? Go for it! Expand Greece into southern France, go on, I welcome it!"
** "Also, how in the name of heck did I just get up to ''12.9%'' Threatening off taking ''one'' county? ''How?!"''
** Meanwhile over in the Middle East, Antioch is having its own crazy game interfering in Abbasid politics.
--->'''Jon:''' This is a ''Jewish superstate independence war'' that might be about the break the Abbasid dynasty in half! Oh my, oh the flip my! And it's ''winning!''
** After taking the county of Rome off the Kingdom of Romagna, Jon decides to keep it as part of his personal demense.
--->'''Jon:''' I shall be holding onto that myself, because I assume that ''[[InstantlyProvenWrong wow]]'', you guys did ''not'' invest in Rome! Like, at all!
** Since Jon's character is named Poseidon, he names his first son Theseus, which unfortunately means his second son is by default Polyphemus, "the cyclops, who I'll admit did not come to a good end. Maybe this is not a good idea. But screw it, it'll do."
** Jon gets an event where Emperor Poseidon becomes jealous of his brother Zeus "what with his perfect body and happy life."
--->'''Jon:''' "Perfect body-" (''mouses over Zeus' [[FacialHorror Disfigured]] trait'') "-and his happy, happy life." (''mouses over Zeus' Scarred, Drunkard and Stressed traits'') Okay, Poseidon, you are not paying much attention to Zeus' life.
** Jon belatedly notices that due to character deaths, there is now a boy named Perun on the throne of Anatolia.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, he's a Catholic. Okay, Perun ''was'' always a bit confused about this sort of thing, sure.
** Before launching an invasion to take Alexandria, Jon takes a special action to consult the omens for the coming campaign, to improve his odds of winning it. Though there's always the chance of finding unfavorable omens that have the opposite effect...
--->'''Jon:''' 500 gold and... 500 gold and my armies perform 10% ''worse'' than if I'd done nothing. Good job, everybody!
** "Oh, and also, my flipping daughter, who is not going to be in any way particularly useful going forward, has of course picked up all the best traits for Martial, and already has Martial of 10 at flipping age 12. Great, just spectacular."
* Part 26 opens with Jon explaining that he's going to take "basic, ''boring'' Hellenism and make it into a proper established religion," with options like animism, ancestor worship, "or we can just like, y'know, build some pyramids, just for fun."
** After about ten minutes of deliberation, Jon decides to make "a ''nice'' religion" to go with Poseidon's status as TheGoodKing.
--->'''Jon:''' His religion is going to be ''civilized'', it is going to be ''stable'', it is going to be... admittedly slightly ''annoying'', because it's going to [[KnockingOnHeathensDoor send people 'round to your house who would like to talk to you about Jupiter.]] So basically, yeah, I've just invented Jehovah's Witnesses, but for like, Zeus.
** As the official Hellenic emperor, Poseidon picks up a Pontifical Scepter, which Jon decides is enough to justify the Choirosphaktes [[BadassBeard double-beard.]]
** Hellenes also get their own version of the Lucifer's Own secret society, though theirs is Bacchus' Mystery, "which does sound a lot more fun than worshipping Satan, because there's a lot of boozing and sex."
** Posiedon also gets to found the Stoic Intelligensia, and immediately jumps to the head of the group, becoming its Logoarch, "which would translate broadly to 'word-master,' which is a ''wonderful'' title, so I'm glad that's a thing."
** Jon wouldn't mind founding the Myrmidons, Hellenism's answer to UsefulNotes/TheKnightsTemplar'', except he can't because... "I control Alexandria, what are you talking about?"
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, speaking of the cocking Knights Templar! They've got a stupid castle down over here [in Alexandria] that I never took, because I took all this off the Pope, so I never took that off ''them!''
** Jon wouldn't ''dream'' of breaking his truce with the Pope, even though he's sent a small army to Italy next to the Pope's last holding on the peninsula.
--->'''Jon:''' But-but-but-but-but... if, y'know, just saying, in a crazy coincidence, some of my men got lost and then wandered into his territory, and then started setting everything on fire, because Raiding is ''now allowed.'' Normal Hellenism, not allowed, Reformed Hellenism, ''it's back!'' [...] These guys have basically no upkeep, and they're going to be able to basically tear down the Pope's territory. Oh, it's beautiful, it's just absolutely beautiful, [[TemptingFate and there's]] ''[[TemptingFate nothing]]'' [[TemptingFate the Pope can do about it!]]
** "I ''say'' this, but I can't help but notice the Knights Templar are coming in. But they are marked as neutral, and the game's not saying a battle's about to occur. But I might be about to have my ass handed to me by a bunch of crusader wannabes coming in to sort me out. I mean, if that happens, I deserve it, fair enough."
--->'''Jon:''' Nope, technically they're neutral. So the Knights Templar are going to literally march straight past a pagan army that is ransacking the only Papal territory in Italy. Good job, Catholicism!
** At first Jon is deeply confused why the ruler of Croatia is able to attack Temes over ownership of Skull Mountain despite the Byzantine Empire expressly banning internal vassal wars. Then he realizes Croatia's using the same ''de jure'' law loophole ''he'' used way back in Part 9.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, it was cool when ''I'' did it, but that doesn't mean ''you're'' allowed to do it. Enjoy it while it lasts, because in 17 years you're going to be ''de jure'' part of the empire, and then you'll need to behave again!
** "Also, whoever this guy is, I'm really glad he's converted, but let's not yell 'Praise Hades!' out loud too often, [[EverybodyHatesHades I feel like some people would get the wrong idea."]]
** "Also, I only have one Ambition left to me, which is Seeing the Realm Prosper by staying at peace for five years. I'm going to be honest, that is not Plan A right now."
** When Theseus turns 14, Poseidon is still only 44, which means trying to get the kid Ambitious is out because "I'm not willing to be blown up by my son, I'm not ''that'' old yet." When he comes of age two years later, Jon thinks the kid's stats aren't too shabby, though "he [[InTheHood looks somewhat evil, I shan't deny."]]
** Jon wraps up the episode pleased with the progress he's made, though he admits restoring the Roman Empire proper is going to be an uphill battle, since "for some reason Western Europe really doesn't want that to happen. [[YouAnsweredYourOwnQuestion Probably because, y'know, if I did I'd get de jure rights to all their flipping stuff."]]
* In Part 27, Jon continues his mission to spread Hellenism across the world, "though I'm going to be honest, the world might resist a ''little'' bit."
** Jon's head priest converts another vassal personally, and ends the notification message with a "Praise [[GoodBadBugs ZeusPosdeidonHadesHeraDemetraAthenaAresHephaestusAphroditeApolloArtemisHestia!"]] Meanwhile in southern France, Despot Zeus of Greece continues to expand the empire through holy wars, becoming known as "The Sword of [=ZeusPosdeidonHadesHeraDemetraAthenaAresHephaestusAphroditeApolloArtemisHestia=]."
--->'''Jon:''' In fact, yeah, just in terms of square kilometers, there might now be more Greece in southern France than there is in, y'know, ''Greece''. And he's not done either, he's immediately jumped into another holy war, this time to take Aquitaine!
** Jon wants to "punch Catholicism in the face" with a war into Italy, and is "like 80% confident" he can beat all the members of the defensive pact against him, but is stymied by not having access to a pagan Great Holy War yet. So he's stuck getting in a fiddly war for Papal Egypt, where he must not only endure another Catholic dogpile, but the distractions of daughters being born and random adventurers.
--->'''Jon:''' ...Who the flip are you, and why are you actually attacking me? I don't know who you are, but you're being a dick, apparently.
** After a slog, Jon gets most of the duchy of Alexandria, as well as an unfinished pyramid he can't do anything with.
--->'''Jon:''' I can't actually ''resume'' work on the pyramid, because to build pyramids, I either need to be Egyptian, Coptic, utterly bananas, or have a religion that enjoys building pyramids, none of which are true. So I guess that means we're just going to have an uncompleted pyramid, in my empire. Like, maybe some form of Great ''Trapezium'' of Khufu, or whatnot.
** Then Jon's baffled when the Pope is able to declare war on him again almost immediately, despite the traditional post-war ceasefire.
--->'''Jon:''' Mate, I just kicked your ass and all of Europe, together. You're not gonna beat me singlehandedly.
** After a brief fight in Egypt and over a thousand gold in reparations from the Pope, Jon sends some forces into central Italy to do more fund-raising.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so, I'd say at this point we'd pretty much burnt down literally all of southern Romagna. Which is good! Which is really, really good. So right now, all of that is on fire, we're back up to 3,000 gold - okay, guys, you folks down in the comments, why didn't you tell me earlier that raiding was a good thing to do? Why am I only learning this now? C'mon, folks, you're letting me down!
** Jon promptly invests the loot into hiring a weaponsmith to create something to rival the legendary Axe of Perun.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, by the way, people in Romagna who are currently on fire - thank you ''so much'' for all of that money, with which I've been able to buy the world's best axe.
** When it comes time to {{name|d weapon}} the thing, Jon's given the choice between the Cleaver, the Ravager, or the Marauder.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm going to be honest, I feel like Poseidon wouldn't go for ''any'' of those names. Like his name would be something like [[DirtyBusiness Tragically Necessary]], something like that, but I guess Cleaver is the least overtly raider-y one. [-Even though I am aware that we do raid, but we don't really talk about it.-] Okay, Cleaver, to represent that fact that in better time, he would only need to use it in the kitchen.
** A few minutes later, Jon discovers that he can rename it to whatever he wants, and so the axe becomes Tragedy, "because if I ever have reason to take it in my hands, that will be a tragedy, because that means diplomacy has failed. And on top of that, [[BadassBoast it'll be a tragedy for anybody stupid enough to stand in my way."]]
** To wrap up the episode, Jon warns that things are about to get "messy" as his aspirations pit him against the entirety of Western Europe, and his Threat is getting to the point that he's prompting [[EnemyMine inter-faith defensive pacts.]]
--->'''Jon:''' So I would say, we might have to, yeah, just basically say "Fine, if the world wants to kill me, I guess I'll just kill the world."
* Jon opens Part 28 by admitting that his plan to expand the empire hasn't worked out quite as he'd have liked, since "We managed to burn through maybe a third of our entire army and maybe two thousand gold just claiming yeah, a tiny bit of Egypt down here, and we don't even have 100% of ''that'' yet, and Threat is just going up so damned fast that at this point, if I were to keep attacking, yeah every one of the Islamic and Jewish factions would be in too. And that's just not gonna fly."
** Jon's solution is to note that while all the Catholic powers have aligned against ''him'', [[LoopholeAbuse "they don't seem to have a problem with my vassals."]] So his plan is to send his retinues and personal levies on not-officially-a-war raids to weaken enemy territory for his vassals to seize in their own holy wars.
** Another Perun comes of age as the Despot of Anatolia, and while his stats are good, he doesn't get along with Emperor Poseidon because he's the wrong kind of Hellene.
--->'''Jon:''' Hilariously, he won't marry my own daughter, because he considers me an infidel. Because he believes in Jupiter, and I believe in Zeus.
** Emperor Poseidon is pushing 60, but his 22-year-old son Theseus also has cancer, so Jon notes the imperial succession is going to come down to who kicks the bucket first. Less than five minutes later, Jon gets a death notification for Theseus in the middle of a raid on Amalfi.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, um, so that question was answered fairly quickly.
** Jon has to spend a minute examining King Dubhglais II "the Fat" of Paraetonium, the 65-year-old ruler of "the crazy Irish kingdom" in western Egypt.
--->'''Jon:''' ...which, I'll remind you, is led by a man who at this point in history [[TheLongList is...]] In Hiding, Shrewd, Fat, Brawny, Excommunicated, Celibate, Slothful, Gluttonous, Shy, ''Lustful'' as well as being flipping Celibate, Zealous, Paranoid, Content, a Drunkard, Possessed by Satan, and currently Infirm. And despite all of that, he's got a flipping Martial of ''22'', and Diplomacy of 0. I love this guy, he is a hero of our times. In fact, Ireland has got so embarrassed by him, they've literally declared war on flipping bits of Egypt so they can go and smash the hell out of him, because they are just sick of his nonsense.
** Jon gets a notification that Poseidon is no longer Paranoid, which he assumes means that Catholic conspiracy is no longer "leaving Bibles for me in my bedroom."
--->'''Jon:''' Which is... not ''great'' for me, to be honest, [[ProperlyParanoid I quite enjoyed being Paranoid.]] But I guess the extra Diplomacy doesn't hurt.
** While leading the Byzantines to [[RussianReversal sack Venice and carry off all its treasures]], Jon's surprised by a notification about his ward Eleonora's education, since as far as he knows he doesn't have any wards.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh! That's um, that's the daughter of... Venice! Okay, um, I feel like - okay, so we've got the daughter of the King of Venice. Right! And now we're just educating her, and taking her to... the Agora. (''sees how much Eleonora's stats have gone up'') And also significantly improving her.
** Jon is quite happy to get the puppy event, especially since [[CallBack none of the name options are "Lucifer."]]
** While Jon would like to hand Alexandria over to Theseus' heir, he also likes how much money he's making from its port. Then he realizes that he doesn't need it ''that'' much.
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, you know, when I say "Oh, I need to generate money," I feel like I've found a good way to generate money. It's by ''[[RapePillageAndBurn burning down Italy.]]''
** "Also, does anyone know why the new Pope is just, um, hanging out on Lesbos? Because that's... that's a bit weird. He's not raiding, because he can't, he's just standing there, taking Attrition."
** Jon struggles to get Prince Polyphemos to pop out an heir due to both his first wife dying, and of course his Chaste and [[IncompatibleOrientation Homosexual]] traits.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, Polyphemos, I know you do not swing this way, but I ''really'' need you to produce, like, at least a couple of children. If you want to have a boyfriend on the side, that's okay, but we need a few children regardless.
** After Emperor Poseidon suddenly dies of old age in the middle of another raiding campaign, Jon spends some time eulogizing the leader, introducing the new Emperor Polyphemos, and noting the spread of Hellenism. Less than a week later, there's a Catholic revolt.
--->'''Jon:''' Not everyone's thrilled with the new stuff, by the way, can't deny that.
* At the start of Part 29, Jon admits that maybe the recently-deceased Emperor Poseidon ''did'' sort of burn down Italy, but counters that "I didn't start the fight, Venice did, when they attacked me in the Fourth Crusade, and that's why those bastards are currently on fire."
** One episode after [=YouTube=] commentors were nervous about a boat full of Venetian plunder sitting in the Gulf of Venice, Jon finally brings it in to port for a heap of gold and Prestige.
--->'''Jon:''' Does... does anybody know... Um, okay, I think this fleet might have been raiding. I didn't ''realize'' it was raiding. Can my fleets raid?
** "And also, yes, I'm continuing to do a deliberately terrible job of educating the children of the King of Venice. Because it entertains me."
** Emperor Polyphemos consults the stars, and confirms that it is the start of a glorious Byzantine golden age!
--->'''Jon:''' I swear this is like the ''third'' golden age we've had in two decades, but I'm not going to say no to revolts down, morale up, giant pile of tax.
** After some disappointing attempts at looting in northwestern Italy, Jon falls back upon a more reliable method of fund-raising.
--->'''Jon:''' Yes, Venice! Because who'd have flipping thought it, Venice has decided to put out all of the fires. So basically, screw you, you stupid losers. So we'll just get in over here, take out the garrison, and then we'll just burn Venice down. Again. Because you should not have done the Fourth Crusade, you stupid bastards.
** "Once again, more children that I've stolen are coming of age in my prison. I should really sell them at some point..."
** Empress Antipatra keeps getting pregnant while Polyphemos is out hunting down reagents or going on scholarly expeditions with his buddies in the Hermetic Society, but Jon couldn't care less since she keeps giving him sons. Though he does eventually realize something.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh my goodness. Okay, I'm not into my wife, I'm into other guys, and I keep going on shopping trips and long trips in the countryside with the King of Bulgaria. I ''see'', right, okay!
** Zeta gets the "Propsering" event again, and even though it will cost 1200 gold, Jon can't resist choosing the "Glorious Monument" response.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm going to be honest, I like the idea of a giant flipping statue of me. Like, [0.5 a month] is a pathetic amount of Prestige, but no, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Okay, I know we're actually kind of bankrupt right now, uh, send the loot back home...
** Jon gets an event where Emperor Polyphemos discovers his wife's affair, and while he's happy to let it continue, he doesn't want to choose the "Focus on more important matters" response for the 20% chance of picking up the "Depressed" trait. So he confronts Antipatra, she openly admits her infidelity with a smirk, Jon once again chooses the result that won't make Polyphemos depressed, and the whole debacle ends with the affair made public, Antipatra divorced and in a dungeon, and her paramour executed.
--->'''Jon:''' Look, I didn't care about the actual affair, but you ''smirking'' about it, unacceptable! Into the dungeon you go! ...Okay I'm getting through wives a bit quickly here, I'm gonna be honest. So... maybe I should, y'know, pick the next one carefully. Well there was that Genius, Russian Lesbian...
** After a normal episode's worth of raiding and empire management, Jon's elated to receive notification that pagan Great Holy Wars are finally enabled. But before he can declare one, the Pope calls a crusade against Serbia, making Jon wonder whether he should strike pre-emptively against Catholicism. Except months later, only one person has signed onto the crusade, and it's the Countess of Bononia.
--->'''Jon:''' Hang on, that is... that's ''you!'' You work for ''me!'' Excuse-the-flip me, you're not even Catholic, you're the wrong sort of Catholic! Okay, can we like put her in prison? Because I really feel like we ought to be able to put her in prison.
** "So yeah, right now she's joined up, and that's uh, that's it, no one else has joined up. As for my side [defending against the Crusade], literally ''everybody''. So my side is 7,500% stronger than the Pope's. I feel like the Pope might just be forced to abandon this crusade, becuase nobody dares attack Serbia. And that's just ''beautiful."''
** So Jon decides if the Catholics want a crusade, he'll give them a crusade.
--->'''Jon:''' Council's on board, the loyalists and glory hounds want this to happen. Couple of pragmatists just sitting there going "Guys, what the bloody hell? Do we seriously want to be taking on all of Europe at the same time, ''again?"'' And the answer is yes, yes we do.
** The instant Jon formally declares the Great Holy War, he's incredulous that he's already at +14% Warscore.
** Jon has so many vassals jumping aboard the Great Holy Bandwagon that he wishes there was an "auto-join button."
--->'''Jon:''' It's going to be great, it's going to be great fun, but you don't all need to ask me permission. Just, just jump in, the water's lovely. Mainly because it's blood.
** Jon's happy when Polyphemos builds a proper laboratory for his studies in the Hermetic Society, even moreso when he learns he can build one on a secluded island.
--->'''Jon:''' Yes! Yes, Secret Doom Science Island!
** A year and a half after its announcement, the planned Crusade for Serbia picks up a second participant, Duke Dungalach the Merry of southern Ireland.
--->'''Jon:''' So basically - oh we've got the Count of Mumu! We've got the Count of Mumu and (''cracks up'') Whatsherface next door! ''That's it! That's the Crusade!''
** Even though Jon takes big bites out of Italy and beats down all of Catholicism, the Pope is officially neutral in the Great Holy War because he's too busy dealing with a revolt in Papal Egypt, which eventually spreads to the Pope's last remaining county on the Italian peninsula.
--->'''Jon:''' So right now, Harun the Mad of the Papal Revolt has seized this territory, over here. ''Just'' that, though, but as a result of that, the Pope was too busy to deal with it. So yes, an Egyptian Pope is now squatting in the middle of Italy, while the Pope himself is just chilling out in Egypt, though he himself is French. So that's, that's a thing.
** Polyphemos' nephew Anthemios comes out of nowhere to be the leading contendor for the imperial succession, but his stats are good enough that Jon tries to get him set up for the throne if neither of the current emperor's "children" are up to it. Princess Parthena looks to be a good marriage candidate, except [[IncestIsRelative she's his aunt,]] and "probably best we ''don't'' do that, on balance." The problem is, out of all the bachlorettes in the empire, including two characters Jon spent 300 gold inventing with the "Invite Debutante" button, Anthemios only has eyes for Parthena.
--->'''Jon:''' He's literally too fussy to marry ''anybody'' because of the Prestige effects. He literally wants to marry ''his own aunt'' because... [-to be honest, she's his age.-] (''slightly strained'') Alright, I'm not going to stand in the way of this any longer. If he is ''determined'' to marry his own aunt, than he shall marry his aunt. I hope you're very happy together, you ''bloody weirdos.''
** By the end of the episode, the Crusade for Serbia is quietly canceled, which combined with losing the Great Hellenic Holy War means that Catholicism's Moral Authority rating is a whopping 0.0.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, that's... that's beautiful. That's just the most beautiful thing. At this exact moment in time, Catholic Heresy has greater Moral Authority than Catholicism does!
* In Part 30, Jon decides to try spreading Hellenism directly through his court seer, and ships her over to Estonia in the middle of a war. She's thrown in a dungeon almost immediately, but he soon hires a replacement and plans a mission to Moldavia.
-->'''Jon:''' If you get yourself thrown in prison, honestly that's fine, [[WeHaveReserves I've got plenty of other people I can appoint.]]
** Less than seven minutes into the episode, Jon decides "Venice is completely due for another round of being set on fire."
** The Abbasids declare war on Jon over the duchy of Gilian, part of Bulgaria's expansion toward Persia, and since Jon wants to focus on raiding Catholic Europe again, he surrenders the territory.
--->'''Jon:''' Right, there we flipping go, we have peace, congratulations. That means it's looting time!
** When looting Venice, again, Jon finds a Finger of St. John. Again.
--->'''Jon:''' I swear I've had like ''three'' of those over the course of this game. I'm beginning to doubt they're real.
** "Hippolytus sort of hates me, so... I may as well, you know, [[UriahGambit put him in the front lines and see what happens.]]
** Anthemios unexpectedly dies from his war wounds, so Polyphemos' nephew Poseidon becomes the next heir. Jon supposes his stats are alright, "though I'm not convinced by that mustache, to be honest."
** "In this game, ''so'' many people have been concerned about the eating habits of emperors, it's very peculiar."
** Jon has Polyphemos consult the stars again, only to learn that [[{{Foreshadowing}} "we're going into a nightmare dark age."]]
--->'''Jon:''' It's kind of my duty to tell everyone about that, ''but'', I can PR this a little bit, alright? We'll work on the messaging, we'll kind of, you know, not use the term "dark age" in any of the literature, so that's absolutely fine...
** Basilissa Tatyana becomes pregnant, which Jon finds [[IncompatibleOrientation "mildly surprising under the circumstance,"]] and then he learns that it's going to be another Child of Destiny.
--->'''Jon:''' Now admittedly, the last person we heard that about was Eris, who ran away to Venice and triggered the Fourth Crusade that was, you know, one of the most dangerous fights we ever had. But, still... maybe this time that ''won't'' happen!
** True to Polyphemos' predictions, word arrives of a plague in the Far East.
--->'''Jon:''' I feel like the PR's gonna not do the job anymore, once people realize the plague just showed up. How bad is it - [[ThisIsGonnaSuck it's the Black Death.]]
** To make matters worse, Jon receives word that an adventurer and his host has showed up.
--->'''Jon:''' Who are you, and where are you? Where are all these ''what the cock?!'' ...Okay, um, he just showed up with fifty-nine ''thousand'' troops. That was more than I was expecting, I'm gonna be - okay, guys, we're gonna have to call off the raiding of Italy, for the time being, I know we were all having fun, and that was great! It was really good fun! Uh, it's time for you guys to fall back and stand the flip down - okay, maybe one more city. Like, ''one'' more city...
** As if Baghatur's Host isn't bad enough, Jon takes additional losses from his allies following his doomstack around, so that it suffers attrition damage from too many soldiers in the province.
--->'''Jon:''' ''Stop walking past me you dicks!'' Why do you have to make this more difficult than it needs to be? Get down over here! Bloody hell... I thought this through! It's my bloody vassals who are screwing this up for me!
** Jon gets excited when an event fires that might make King Tomislav of Bulgaria Emperor Polyphemos' actual boyfriend, is disappointed when Tomislav doesn't reciprocate, but is happy to keep him as a close friend.
** After some vicious fighting against Baghatur's Host in the Armenian highlands, Jon's shocked when he's suddenly no longer at war, then doubly so when he learns why.
--->'''Jon:''' ''He's died of Black Death! Yes! The Black Death has saved us!'' Which is probably the only good thing it's gonna do, actually.
** "Okay, so, over the course of that war, I managed to lose 10,000 of my personal troops, and also - wow. Okay, about 25,000 odd troops from my vassals. And my retinues have just been ''trashed.'' [...] Also, you know what now would be a good time for? Now would be a good time for, you know, some extra medicine and whatnot. Yes, disease resistance! I doubt it's going to do that much, but it's gotta be worth something..."
** "Normally I enjoy playing ''Crusader Kings II'', because it's a beautiful form of escapism from real life. But today, no, today we're involved in long, drawn-out, destructive wars in the Middle East that end inconclusively, and then we all die from plague. So, uh, yeah, sometimes things get a bit, uh, a bit too real. But I know what's going to make me feel better about all this - we're going to burn Venice down. Burning Venice down ''always'' makes me feel good."
** When sacking Venice yet ''again'', Jon finds a Crown of Lillies.
--->'''Jon:''' Well that's just lovely, we missed that the last time we came through.
** "Okay, the economy is... just about holding together, for now. We're gonna prop up the economy by stealing Venice's, that's literally my plan right now. We're gonna rob north Italy to keep the economy going, because i suspect my tax revenues are going to start collapsing, very very soon indeed."
** To wrap up the episode, Jon takes a moment to express his relief that he's spread House Choirosphaktes across his empire, so he'll have plenty of characters to play as in a worst-case scenario.
--->'''Jon:''' There are still members of my dynasty sort of floating around... (''examines family tree'') Some of them, anyway. Okay, ''these'' are all dead ends, but I swear, I have actually been making a bit of - oh, they're all dead too. Okay, "died of cancer," uh, "died of the plague," "died of the plague," "died clutching his heart..." ''You're'' still alive, for now - okay, this is- (''cracks up'') Um, we might have a problem, actually. We've actually got 36 living members in my dynasty, and we lost 10% of them in the past week, and there's not... there's not much floating around, actually, there's a lot of dead people in this dynasty, a lot of dead ends - here's one! (''opens Flamen Carlo of Teramo's character sheet'') Look, I've found somebody! ''This'' guy shall be emperor! It's gonna be fine, he's got good Diplomacy and everything! Oh hang on, he's a priest so he's not eligible. Okay, so he physically can't be emperor. Right, scratch another off the list, good good...
* Part 31 gets a black, skull background since the Black Death is in the Byzantine capital and "now we are all going to die."
-->'''Jon:''' As a reminder, my entire dynasty has only 36 living members. Which is ''really'' not that many, alright, really not that many at all.
** Jon's plan is simple: quarantine the imperial palace, use the Myrmidons if needed to make up for his depleted armies, and "basically keep ransacking Venice, alright, we're gonna keep the economy going, if need be, by ransacking the flip out of Venice."
** Naturally, after declaring that he'll eject anyone showing plague symptoms from the palace to keep Prince Apollo safe, Apollo himself gets infected.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, well, I've got other children. It's fine, ther are other children, if need be I can make more, can't help but notice that we've completely run out of money that's, that's a thing. Sorry, um, if you survive, we will welcome you back with open arms. But to be honest you're not looking like you were precisely going in the right direction - "Timid," "Affectionate," "Idolizer," no no no no no...
** "Someone else just died in the dungeons - oh yeah, we've got a fair few people in the dungeons right now. Okay, how would you guys like to go home, because you've been in here for a ''while."''
** Despite being ejected from seclusion due to showing plague symptoms, Empress Tatyana is able and willing to serve as Spymaster, and "she is very well placed to be spying on the empire, given how she's, y'know, not trapped inside in a safe castle with the rest of us."
** In the midst of the plague outbreak, Jon notes that despite his efforts spreading Hellenism among the ruling class, there's still remnants of the empire's previous faith.
--->'''Jon:''' The king level, that's been pretty well locked-down, but under the surface... yeah, some of the old ways, like - not the proper old ways like I do, like the ''medium'' old ways. The bad stuff, the Christianity stuff. It's still there. We need to find a way to start, ah, rooting that out.
** Bad news is, the previous leader of the Hermetic Society dies of the plague. Good news is, this means Polyphemos becomes leader by default!
** "Also, you know how I just mentioned 'Good news, people have stopped dying!' Okay, so four more are dead. ''27'' people in the dynasty, that's literally all we've got left."
** Jon decides to change his vote and endorse Doux Hippolytus as the next emperor, since he has better stats than Poseidon II of Antioch, including the Ambitious trait thanks to Jon choosing the "Struggle" childhood focus for him.
--->'''Jon:''' Now admittedly, I ''can'' see the disadvantage of voting and thereby ensuring this guy becomes emperor, when the guy in question hates me so, yeah, he already wanted to kill me, now if he ''does'' kill me he gets to become emperor - yeah, I can see how that's not gonna work out well for me. But... he's not terrible!
** An event fires where the peasantry start blaming the Black Death on dark cultists.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh great, so just because we switched to worshipping Zeus, and immediately afterward there was a terrifying plague where everybody died, ''some'' people are putting two and two together and now saying that we shouldn't be worshipping Zeus. No no no no no, definitely not the fault of Zeus, go and investigate what's going on with these warlocks and witches. Because they sound pretty badass, and if they're as badass as they sound, we'll like bring them into the religion officially.
** The witch hunts escalate until an event declares that it's judgement day for the worshippers of [=HadesKronosDionysusHermesTyphon...=]
--->'''Jon:''' [[EveryoneHatesHades ...despite the fact that we]] ''[[EveryoneHatesHades worship]]'' [[EveryoneHatesHades quite a few of those guys in temples that I myself dedicated.]] [...] Let's get rid of some peasant unrest, so just [[BurnTheWitch burn everyone to death,]] please. I mean, the nice thing is, we didn't even need to light a special pyre, there's pyres all over the place already, we can just toss 'em on one of the existing ones.
** "Okay, this game is just getting too damned real [[UsefulNotes/CoronavirusDisease2019Pandemic given the current real-life circumstances.]] My child is now just coming up to me, begging to be allowed to go outside. Look, as soon as the plague is past, we'll open the damned gates!"
** To celebrate the plague's passing, Jon hosts an intellectual gathering, chooses an economic rather than military focus for the brainstorming session, and picks the high-risk, high-reward option.
--->'''Jon:''' Let's push this to the limit, alright? I want dangerously ''extreme'' levels of prosperity! The sort of prosperity where everyone gets rich, and then it all blows up in our faces and we all die! Basically, let's invent the stock market in the 11th Century.
** He's underwhelmed when the society's grand invention turns out to be coming up with the compass in 1078, about 112 years earlier than it historically entered use in Europe and the Middle East. At least it becomes an item in his treasury.
--->'''Jon:''' It can only be used if you've got Learning of 20. Which is going to suggest that a Learning of 20 might not be as supernaturally-intelligent as I thought, since compasses are really not that hard to use.
** "Okay, I may have been a little bit ahead of the curve opening the gates and declaring victory, because people are still dying. The Queen of Georgia just flipping died."
--->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' [[RippedFromTheHeadlines Did Jon seriously lift the lockdown too early, leading to a second peak in deaths? JON WE KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!]]
** Jon has some mild concern after looting Venice, "as usual, we do it every two years or so," and getting the glowing purple "+2 Axe," which is actually inferior to [[NamedWeapons Tragedy]].
** After years of waiting, Prince Hermes comes of age and Jon gets to look at the young adult's stats, and portrait.
--->'''Jon:''' Alright kid, let's see ''oh NO what have you done?! No! No no no no! No'' okay, those are quite good stats, but I was just distracted by... ''[[BeardOfEvil the rest of it.]]'' Oh, Hermes, who told you that was a good look? Because they were ''lying''.
** So the imperial secession comes down to a choice between Princess Parthena, whose stats aren't great, Polyphemos' "ex-boyfriend" King Tomislav of Bulgaria, who isn't part of his dynasty, Poseidon II, who has okay stats but is "dumb as a box of hammers," Hippolytus, who has poor Diplomacy "but better facial hair arrangement, very important," and Hermes, Polyphemos' "disappointing-faced son."
** Once again, Polyphemos reads premonitions of doom in the stars.
--->'''Jon:''' Yeah, sudden darkness, two-headed children, storms of fire, rivers dry up, crops bleed, clouds of blasphemous vermin, [[BlahBlahBlah diddly-diddly-dee.]] Okay, we're just gonna reinterpret that into a ''positive'' way, alright? We're just gonna spin the apocalypse positively! And people are gonna accept that, because compared to the Black Death, even the apocalypse seems good!\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Just imagining people hearing screaming from Polyphemos' room. Concerned, one of the guards inquires with the staff. One of the servants obliges, explaining that the Emperor is just scrying the future again.
** Still, at the end of the episode, the Black Death has moved on, and House Choirosphaktes has survived.
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, when I say "we," like, you know, ''some'' of us. Like, two-thirds of us, give or take. ''Slightly'' under two-thirds. But still, that's... it's better than nothing!
* Jon opens Part 32 by describing how the Black Death was actually pretty harmless.
-->'''Jon:''' Admittedly, it trashed the economy and killed probably millions of people. ''But'', it didn't kill the ''important'' ones. [[ImmediateSelfContradiction Aside from, you know, the ones it did.]]
** Jon decides Polyphemos has earned the Choirosphaktes Double Beard for leading the empire through such a harrowing period. And also because the heir apparent is the [[GoodHairEvilHair "blatantly evil"]] Prince Hermes.
--->'''Jon:''' Not by his traits, by his traits he's a nice guy. But, y'know, he ''looks'' evil - he has a terrible beard, a terrible mustache, he has a terrible haircut too but fortunately, we've made him a count, so the hat kind of covers that up a bit.
** Jon tries to take advantage of an Abbasid revolt and take Jerusalem, and so raises his troops, loads them on ships, makes a sacrifice to the gods to ensure morale bonuses... and all of three minutes later, the war is canceled because the rebel leader was caught and executed.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, apparently that happened a month-and-a-half ago, and I [[FailedASpotCheck just sort of missed it.]]
** Polyphemos randomly loses the Chaste trait because "I can't resist him," making Jon speculate that the emperor is still pining for the King of Bulgaria.
** The new King of Croatia is powerful enough to demand a spot on the council, but so hopelessly inbred that his stats are "Oh dear."
--->'''Jon:''' Yeah, you can be an "advisor." Alright, we're gonna put you in the special advising chair, in the corner, in a completely different room from the rest of the council. [...] Two days into his reign, he's just managed to trigger a war against himself. Well done, just well done all around, this guy is going to be spectacular.
** Sadly, Emperor Polyphemos passes on relatively young, and Hermes takes over. And as soon as Jon handles Polyphemos' funeral and Hermes' inherited titles, it's off to the barber to do something about The Mustache.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm gonna be honest, I've gone through all of them and he still looks pretty bloody evil. But at least here he doesn't look quite ''as'' evil, so I guess it'll do.
** "Also, does anyone know why the Arabian Empire appears to have large parts of Thessalia under siege? Guys, what the flip is going on here? Oh, I ''see'', you attacked some idiots over here trying to expand into Spain and accidentally triggered a war against the entirety of Islam. Just, well done all around!"
** "And here we go, Temple Dedication, let's get that done, that's important, because I need Fertility! So... hang on, where's the sex temple?"
** The deciding factor for whether Hermes is going to cheat on his wife is that she's named Antipatra, "and the last time we married an Antipatra, it did ''not'' work out."
** "Okay, money's getting a bit on the low side, so I think we know what's next. It's time to go and take out Venice again, because those guys have actually recovered! Well, a little bit, anyway."
** Another notification about a ward's education reminds Jon to clear out the dungeon, "because apparently I'm just going around educating a whole bunch of children."
** After a laughably brief war, Venice is put out of Jon's misery and handed over to Ragusa, who decides to rebrand itself and take the name of the serene republic.
--->'''Jon:''' So yeah, we've now got ourselves a beautiful, Hellenic, Dalmatian Venice! Absolutely spot on. Sorry about the fires, I'm sure the fires will go out soon, there is a lot of water in Venice as I understand it.
** "Ah yes, another temple, another 10% Fertility. Yeah, [[AccidentalInnuendo Zeus and Aphrodite on top of each other,]] now ''that'', that creates some good Fertility right there!"
** "Oh and how cute, the Pope's trying to declare a Crusade on us again! Well, all my lads have already jumped on, I'm guessing none of you are gonna flipping ''dare."''
** After having some PTSD from his time as a frontline commander, Hermes consults the ancient Greek legends for guidance, and with his Seeress' guidance concludes that "The wisdom of Zeus is infinite and indisputable."
--->'''Jon:''' ...I wouldn't ''precisely'' say that's how I'd interpret [[JerkassGods Zeus' actions in most]] [[DoubleStandardRapeDivineOnMortal of the Greek myths]], but okay.
** "Oh, but precisely what I wanted has happened - well, kind of, anyway. Actually, no, the exact opposite, I've got rid of Wroth but I've still got the Stressed. Well I guess that's ''kind'' of good, it is like, y'know, a bad thing supposedly. So yes, I could do with the Stressed being sorted out. Would someone like to buy me a puppy? That's a good way of getting rid of some stress."
** That weird Irish splinter kingdom in Egypt changes to a different culture, but then the English and Irish armies invade to take part in a holy war involving Mumu.
--->'''Jon:''' And I don't understand what the ''hell's'' going on here.
** The good news is, by the end of the episode, Jon's acquisition of Genoa and Venice means that he has all the European territories he needs to formally recreate the Roman Empire. The bad news is, Jerusalem and Carthage are in the hands of the Abbasids and Idrisids respectively, "and that's gonna mean a very big confrontation against the Islamic world. Because they're not gonna be thrilled by that, not in the flipping slightest."
* Jon opens Part 33 by noting the good progress Emperor Hermes has made toward reclaiming the key cities of the Roman Empire, "by which I mean, y'know, mainly his vassals did for him. ''But'', at the end of the day, progress is progress."
** To soften up Idrisids before a future North African campaign, Jon decides to do some strategic raiding, because "What can be more Roman, as we build up toward reforming the Roman Empire, than heading over to Carthage and burning it to the cocking ground?"
--->'''Jon:''' Ah, look at that, Carthage in flames. Doesn't that just make your heart sing?
** As a bonus, Jon's raid coincides with an Idrisid revolt, so he can deplete their manpower as they try to deal with their internal problems.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm not really a hundred percent sure who I'm beating up, by the way. But we're just beating up anybody who looks at us funny, at the minute. So that's all absolutely fine. Yeah, screw ''you'', whoever you are, precisely! You can just naff off out of presumably your own country!
** Jon's Threat is still going up despite him not declaring a formal war on anybody.
--->'''Jon:''' ''I'm'' not doing anything, but what your vassals do does slightly lead up to you. So, because Greece is basically going on a massive murder rampage, eating basically all of the cocking Mediterranean coast, yeah, that reflects badly on ''me'' for some reason.
** Jon gets confused when he notices a crusade in progress without any prior notification, and to his surprise finds that the target is Burgundy, which has embraced the Lollard heresy.
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, I see where you're coming from, [[SarcasmMode there's definitely no problem that Catholicism should be dealing with right now more important than someone believing in slightly the wrong flavor of Catholicism.]]
** When Prince Apollonios comes of age, Jon's priorities are "How has his education turned out, and more importantly, how's his beard?" Then, when he arranges his marriage to a Bulgarian princess, Jon decides that even though Polyphemos never got with his boyfriend the King of Bulgaria, at least his grandson will get with that king's daughter.
** For some reason, Emperor Hermes' epithet is "Bloodaxe."
--->'''Jon:''' We should really stop calling him that. It's not his thing! I'll admit, he's got a good axe, but he's never bloody used it, it's just for show!
** When Hermes joins the Stoics, Jon notes that the empire is embracing its Roman heritage - "We're putting on togas, we're burning down Carthage..."
** Greece ends up eating so much of France that Jon's able to create the Kingdom of Aquitaine, which he gives to the Zeus branch of the dynasty, in order to curb some of the Kingdom of Greece's power.
--->'''Jon:''' Still, this is all positive. Aquitaine should have far fewer troops available, yeah, like 5000. Enough to defend itself, not enough to go on ''stupid military adventures'', which works for me.
** "And my wife just keeps getting pregnant! And actually, I haven't had a single alert saying 'Oh, that can't be right, this can't be mine!' It's ''possible'' that just for once my children are actually, genuinely my own."
** Just when Jon thinks he's got a good successor picked out, Apollonios decides to drop dead of a heart attack at the age of 20, which means Jon's hopes shift to his second son Hermonius.
--->'''Jon:''' Please, just for once, I'd like a good, Martial education - okay, I've Groomed an Heir, yes. Okay, and... he's got no beard at all. That's a concern, a lack of beard is never a good sign...
** When the Abbasids suffer a revolt, Jon decides to take the opportunity to grab Jerusalem in a Holy War. Then he notices that if he declares a ''Great'' Holy War, he could get a whole lot more...
--->'''Jon:''' I'm going to be honest, I wasn't originally planning to y'know, take literally the entire eastern coast of the Mediterranean, but... now I know it's an ''option''... Oh, this is gonna generate ''so much'' needless Threat, but obviously we're not ''not'' doing it. After all, all these cocking years of having to look at the bloody Abbasids just squatting on my bits of Asia Minor, it's time for some revenge, alright? You can keep this tiny little squiggly bit [in Anatolia], okay? I'm going to take literally the entire coast off ''you!''
** Jon's also able to have the Myrmidons take part, and while he notes that "I can't ''prove'' these guys are showing up in hoplite armor and forming a massive phalanx with a couple of like skirmishers to support them, but you can't prove otherwise, either!"
** The kicker is that after what might be his biggest war yet, Jon still ''doesn't'' fully control Jerusalem, because the Kingdom of Romagna owns a single barony in Jerusalem itself, so once again Jon has to hand the new territory over to a son and hope that he gets around to fully-occupying it. Ten minutes later:
--->'''Jon:''' The good news is, they've successfully knocked out that one bit of territory and the war's now going in their favor. The bad news is, [Hermonius] is now called... 'the Frog.' Which is... harsh, really, I'm not a hundred percent sure why he's called the Frog. He... smells again, and is fairly broad, and stubborn, but he's ''nice''. He's a nice guy, don't be a ''dick.''
** Near the end of the episode, Jon divies up his empire into neat viceroyalities and makes the mistake of declaring "Things are starting to make sense here." Three minutes later, he notices a massive addition to his empire.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, hang on, I think I, I think I've missed a cocking memo here! Okay, um, okay... France is... gone. ''Because Bulgaria ate it!'' Because ''of course'' Bulgaria ate it! Why ''wouldn't'' Bulgaria just eat France?! It's not like they own enough territory that makes no cocking sense! Like this, and all of this, up here [in eastern Europe], and cocking a tiny bit of ''Iraq'', and this over here, in Georgia, yeah, of course! Of course Bulgaria needs more territory! Why wouldn't they need more ''bloody hell'', how did you even do this?! ...Okay, apparently he didn't actually conquer it. He ''inherited'' it. At the end of last year. That's why there was no announcement about him winning a war, he ''didn't'' win a war. He's just... the legitimate King of France. ''Somehow.'' Y'know what, I'm not gonna even ''try'' to figure this out. Bulgaria plays by its own rules.
** As if that's not bad enough, the King of Bulgaria immediately makes France his primary title.
--->'''Jon:''' So this is... this is now France. ''Byzantine'' France. With the Iraqi holding, that it has, together with this bit of Georgia, ''that's France! Say hello to New France, it looks great, thanks, well done everybody!'' Yep, good old Hellenic, Russian France (''cracks up'') What the hell is happening?! How has this happened?!
** As if ''that's'' not weird enough, Jon gets the option to "discover" that his character is descended from Alexander the Great.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so we're just gonna pretend that Alexander's secret Bactrian son just fled to Serbia, at some point. Because, y'know, [[InsaneTrollLogic the fact that it makes so little sense is why the story makes so much sense, it's the last place anyone would look!]]
** Jon decides to give his scholars everything they need, which ends up bankrupting the empire.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, we don't actually have that much money, but... we can ''make'' money. It's not ''too'' difficult to come by. We can just go and - no, we ''can't'' burn down Venice, I ''own'' Venice. Well ''that's'' annoying.
** So once again, Jon sends his armies looting his neighbors' territory.
--->'''Jon:''' Uh, yes, you guys just toggle Loot, and just go and burn Lyon, that's all absolutely A-OK - Romagna! ''Everybody'' loves burning Romagna! Right, you guys need to go and burn down Romagna now... [...] Georgia, would you like to go and burn down Crimea? Basically, anybody who's got a border with anything burnable, please start burning.
** "Although, just out of interest... England only has like 13,000 troops." (''beat'') "Okay guys, over to English holdings in Brittany, please. Thank you. I mean, I can see myself getting into burning down England as a new hobby to replace Venice, that's entirely feasible."
** "And obviously the Hellenic Russian King of France has decided 'That's not enough, we're taking flipping Burgundy too.' Right, so..." (''cracks up'') "Basically, ladies and gentlemen, nothing makes sense anymore, all of history has gone out the window..."
* For the Grand Finale, Jon can only summarize the previous episode as "I'm gonna be honest, I've no bloody clue."
** During the build-up for the invasion of Carthage, Jon kills time and raises money by raiding his neighbors, and has to ask "Why are we not just ransacking the Pope? Like, all the time? Please get on with ransacking the Pope, [[TemptingFate there's nothing he can actually do about it."]]
--->'''Jon:''' Ooh, hang on, the Pope just actually... raised his army. And, because it had better morale than me, it actually just - oh - it just won. This is fine, everything's under control, we're going to go beat up the Pope's army and then we are going to ransack his city, it's going to be fine. Raise some reinforcements to assist with that, please.
** "Okay, ''bigger'' army of ten thousand men, let's try burning down the Pope's house ''again.'' This time with full morale, so he can't raise his troops."
--->'''Jon:''' Um, guys? Can't help but notice, you're not currently burning down the Pope. Is there a ''reason'' you're not burning down the Pope, because you're supposed to be - okay, for some reason they don't want to burn down the Pope. [...] Okay, fine, you get saved on this occasion, your Popeyness, by some form of bug. I hope you're very happy.
** Emperor Hermes' wife dies of "natural causes" in her forties, then his second son Harmonius dies under suspicious circumstances at 23.
--->'''Jon:''' I don't know whether ten-year-old children can start murder plots, but I'm very bloody suspicious of you, Orpheus.
** When Jon finally earns the Immortal Blood of Alexander bloodline, he has to point out that the bonus it grants to Personal Combat Skill is exactly the same as his other bloodline's.
--->'''Jon:''' It is now canon that Perun was as good a warrior as Alexander the Great himself, which is amazing!
** The first thing that happens when Hermes remarries is his new wife asking about the affair he's been carrying on, "because it produced a daughter, that I publically denounced."
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, yeah, can understand why that'd be a problem. But I'm gonna be honest, [[SpareToTheThrone I need to hedge my bets.]] Yeah, I'm just gonna lie to her and we'll see if she's gonna accept that.
** In the meantime, Jon tries to build up support for his diplomat daughter Artemisia, but the lead keeps going to his commanders, forcing him to remove them and reshuffle the ballot.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, everybody vote again. Everybody just vote again, and keep voting until you vote the way I want you to vote.
** Jon supports one of his vassal's invasion of Burgundy with another "raid."
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, this fight should go fine, I've got the numbers advantage, the commander advantage, and the terrain advantage. So Burgundy should be in a lot of trouble - [[InstantlyProvenWrong ooh, they brought in reinforcements.]] (''beat'') Okay, nevermind, that's fine, we did a lot of good work in Burgundy, it's A-OK, we stole a lot of money from Lyon when we burned it to the ground, probably best we started wrapping all of this up.
** "Okay, I've got no bloody clue who the next emperor is. Alright, it's ''somebody'', somebody related to me, that's literally all I know."
** "Okay, I'm about to knacker the economy, but that's absolutely A-OK. The reason that's A-OK is because we just stole 6,000 gold from other people, who were too stupid to defend it from me."
** Jon's Threat is so high that if he invaded someone, not only would Christians and Muslims ally against him, but so would pagans.
--->'''Jon:''' Who's even in the pagan world? Does that even matter? (''checks map'') [[SarcasmMode Oh no,]] not ''Devon''. Please stay away from me ''Devon'', noooo, please, stop. Admittedly - hang on. [[DoubleTake Devon?]] That means... ''oh no'', independent North Devon? Unacceptable! They've stolen half of Cornwall!
** Hermes hits 50, giving him the choice between going on a diet, intensifying his warrior training to stay in shape, or settling for becoming a Jovial Patriarch, potentially becoming Fat but gaining a bonus to Fertility and general Opinion. Since Jon wants more kids, he goes for the Fertility boost.
--->'''Jon:''' My wife has ''immediately'' stepped in to say "Oh no you flipping don't," marvelous. Okay, so if I go on a hard diet, that's going to - oh, it's immediately going to get rid of Jovial Patriach. (''beat'') I'm going to be honest, ''no'', alright? I'm enjoying eating all the biscuits. Okay, I've now eaten a sufficiently lrage number of biscuits that there's a lot of me to love, and everybody is fond of the new me. Admittedly my wife just tried to stage an intervention, but let's just overlook that, apparently my relatives like me. Because of the biscuit-eating.
** "Also, following the birth of our latest daughter, my wife is apparently overeating. Honestly, I cannot judge. Seriously, I just made the conscious decision to become Captain Biscuit."
** When Hermes' third son Dionysios comes of age, Jon says "It's not the worst beard at the bare minimum..." Then he examines the kid's stats and traits.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay... I mean... He's not ''terrible.'' There have been worse people in the world. Not many, but there have been, presumably. Somewhere.
** At that point, Princess Aphroditia actually has the best statline of Hermes' children, and looks to be an upcoming military prodigy.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, hang on, to the laws, we need to make women ''legal'', or whatever.
** Jon catches his wife plotting against some random guy, and Jon normally wouldn't care, but "desperate times, desperate measures." So he throws her in prison, realizes he didn't ''need'' to do that and could've just paid her for a divorce, then sees the [[Literature/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy "Declaim Poetry"]] option, and so impulsively subjects her to [[SuckinessIsPainful awful prose.]] Then he gets on with the task of finding a new Master Seductress wife to marry who will cheat on him and produce children while he plays dumb.
** During that search, Jon spots another fascinating character, Magistros Stojan of Calabria
--->'''Jon:''' ...who is Stressed, drunk, One-Eyed, a Master Seducer, who is Lustful, but also Ugly, and a Dwarf. We should have been following ''this'' guy, because this guy has got the best story in the entire bloody ''game'' right now, he's amazing, I love him. In fact, I can invite him to court, 'cause literally there is a position, Court Dwarf. Come to my court, my good man, welcome aboard!
** 45 minutes into the episode, it's time to prepare for the endgame with a "pre-vasion" raid on Idrisid Tunisia.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm going to be honest, we just sent the ships out, while actually sort of... forgetting to load one of them. That is a thing we just did, yes, I'm not going to deny that. Okay, deploy the forces we ''did'' bring regardless, we can begin dealing with this nonsense...
** Hermes' grandson Orpheus comes of age, and is completely bare-headed.
--->'''Jon:''' Now, I can't help but be, y'know, disappointed in his beard, and lack thereof, and all associated hair, ''but'', like [[CallBack the great Julianus Vatinius before him]], he is a bold man who might in theory be a good fighter. [...] He is apparently Groomed as well, right, so he is a sexy bastard, got it. In fact, the Queen of Anatolia is willing to marry him right now, but no, she's is 44, that would be a bad idea. And... I could also marry him to Artemisia. Who is... [[IncestIsRelative his aunt, I'm pretty sure. So let's not do that either.]]
** Princess Aphroditia comes of age with an amazing Martial statline, so Jon does what he can to put her in the lead succession-wise. The next step will be giving her an opening, so to speak.
--->'''Jon:''' We need to make this thing happen, and that means, okay, Hermes "Bloodaxe?" [[UriahGambit You're going on the front line.]] I know you've put on a few pounds recently, from all the biscuits, but you are, you are going on the front line.
** With the raid complete, the only thing stopping Jon from his formal invasion of Carthage is his Threat level, which is currently so high that pagans would jump on him. And then he remembers you can make it go down by granting independence to regions, such as, say, Kurdistan.
--->'''Jon:''' That gets me pretty much bang-on the Threat that I need to get rid of, ''and'' it cleans up some bordergore! I mean, just look at that, look at them right now, they're just ''hanging'' off the bottom of the empire, it's horrible!
** Jon tries to bang out one last child with his third wife, only for her to immediately get food poisoning and a penalty to Fertility.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, do ''not'' divorce her just because she's ill, it's fine, everything's under control.
** Just when Jon's about to declare war, one of his vassals decides to do more expansion.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, now is not the time to declare war on the Jewish superstates up north, but... [[OnSecondThought actually,]] if you want to keep them busy - no, this is ''exactly'' the time to do that! Yes, go, go, have fun, attack the Jewish superstate, I don't care, that would keep them occupied!
** "And most importantly, massive bull [sacrifice], loads of gold, 20% bonus to Morale. Flipping ''love'' it. Anyone would have thought we're just making this up, and the more money you're paying me means more favorable omens, love it."
** "Now I appreciate that this is expensive, but we're going to get these mercenaries killed, nice and fast, they're gonna lose a lot of strength going over the water. At that point we don't have to pay them anymore. It's all gonna work out."
** In the middle of the invasion, Jon's flabbergasted when the electors' support switches to his Marshall, a lowborn nobody.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, [[RagsToRiches it's a nice story]], but I'm not having that, no.
** After an hour of build-up, and Jon preparing for an apocalyptic, multi-front war against Christians and Muslims surrounding his empire, [[AntiClimax the Idrisid sultan surrenders Carthage after all of ten minutes.]]
--->'''Jon:''' You absolute ''fool!'' If you'd just hid your army over here [in west Africa], I'd be stuck at 99% [Warscore] for the next two and a half years or something, and then reinforcements would have come piling in from literally ''everybody''. So... okay, he's just handed me, he's just handed me ''everything''.
** Jon decides to hand his new Tunisian territory to his closest family members.
--->'''Jon:''' Dionysios, you may have this random, terrible bit of desert land that nobody particularly wants. Congratulations, my son! And you, Helias, who just sort of appeared out of nowhere, the commander of Cilicia and heir to the county of Noli, you may have this slightly ''more'' desirable bit of coast land next to the other guy. And as for Carthage, I'll just keep that for meself, to be honest. Because why not, eh? When we put the fires out, I bet it's going to generate actually a decent bit of money.
** So Emperor Hermes the Glorious is able to become Augustus of the restored Roman Empire, which comes with its own perks.
--->'''Jon:''' You see, just in case - between the holy wars, the great holy wars, and the once-in-a-lifetime invasions - I didn't have, y'know, enough reasons to declare war, I've now got ''imperial reconquest''. [...] So basically, free, infinite wars, forever.
** A unique event fires where the new emperor decides to get back against the "Galileans" by burning all the temples in Rome, which strikes Jon as "eminently reasonable." So the Vatican burns, crippling Catholic moral authority... and the game also clears out the reconsecrated ''Hellenic'' temples Jon's constructed since taking Rome several episodes ago.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, got a bit angry last night, burnt the Holy See down, sorry about that, need to immediately build a new temple as it turns out.
** Another event occurs where Hermes feels the urge to torture some of the people in his dungeon, listen to their "sweet screams," see the fear in their eyes...
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, I'm going be honest, sometimes Roman emperors ''did'' end up like this, yes, this is historically-accurate. So yes, let's oil up the rack! Let's torture them ''properly'', dammit! No half-assed torture in ''this'' empire!
** Then Jon decides to trigger the Roman Renaissance event, spreading Roman culture throughout the empire, though this requires moving the capital to Rome proper. Which, since Zeta is the world's most advanced region, sets Jon's tech level back about a century.
--->'''Jon:''' This here, this is why you don't get caught up on the idea of a romantic Roman renaissance and accidentally cripple yourself technologically. But screw it, we're doing it, hurray, Roman Renaissance!
** "Oh, here come the Christians. 'Oh, please stop murdering us, we don't like being on fire' - no, shove off. Roman, Greece, Zeus, forever!"
** The Central African emperor of Kanem-Bornu asks for Jon's help converting to Hellenism, which Jon is happy to do even though the guy's in his fifties and won't last much longer.
--->'''Jon:''' And then they immediately revolted. Possibly against the Hellenism.
** Jon ''was'' ready to wrap up the series, since he'd met his goal of restoring the Roman Empire and was in a good position to expand to its old borders (and beyond). Then in 1122, he receives notification that the Mongols are coming, and decides to keep playing to see how the Golden Horde fares against the Roman Empire and its next ruler.
--->'''Jon:''' Coming up next time, ''Warrior-Queen Aphroditia takes on Genghis Cocking Khan!'' [[ARareSentence That's a sentence I wasn't expecting to say.]]
* Jon opens the "Grander Finaler" by examining Genghis Khan's character sheet and wondering who could possibly save Rome from the warlord's Martial of 24 now that Emperor Hermes has "made the conscious decision to become Captain Biscuit."
-->'''Jon:''' If only we had, uh, someone else, someone- (''opens Princess Artemisia's character sheet'') No, not you, not flipping you. (''opens Princess Aphroditia's character sheet'') ''There'' ya go! Some form of, I don't know, warrior-queen in the making, who, at the age of 19, having never held any position of power whatsoever, has a natural Martial of ''twenty-cocking-six!''
** Meanwhile, Emperor Hermes the Glorious has not only scammed everyone into believing he's descended from Alexander the Great, but also founded his own bloodline by restoring Rome. "So now he's just bloody showing off."
** To kill time before the Mongols arrive, Jon decides to take the rest of Italy, and does his usual "pre-vasion" not because he really needs to weaken Italy's defenses, but because the empire is nearly broke.
--->'''Jon:''' 'cause I may have spent the entire treasury on a nice set of gardens in Zeta. Which I probably ''shouldn't'' have done, in retrospect, but what can you do, eh?
** "Money's getting a bit on the low side. Then again, now we can burn down Italy, burning down Italy is the new burning down Venice."
** "Okay, it is another daughter to add to the pile. Okay, we've had a Romula, let's have a Rema. It doesn't bode well for their [[CainAndAbel future relations]], but what can you do?"
** The war for Italy gets tense when the emperor's own army gets stuck in a losing battle, forcing Jon to rush and have his other forces assault various holdings to get his Warscore up so he can end it before losing that big battle. Instead Hermes' force manages to win the battle despite the odds, which combined with the other assaults wraps the war up nicely. And in the middle of all of this, Jon's distracted by a random notifications, like his vassals creating Transylvania (again) or tattling on each others' sexual preferences.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, "bizarre and repulsive evidence," I enjoy bizarre and repulsive evidence, lovely, tell me more! Okay, you know what, keep it to meself, and I might look at it in my private moments.
** Just when things are looking good and most of Italy is under imperial control, Jon learns that Orpheus is now the heir apparent.
--->'''Jon:''' Hang on, did my bribery wear off by any chance? ...No, we just need to do ''more'' bribery.
** Meanwhile, Hermes' behavior grows more erratic.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, the Possessed by Satan thing might be getting a bit more serious, because yes, now I apparently enjoy dressing up as wild men, chaining myself to other people, and yes, in general being, ah, ''on fire''. Which is a bit of a problem.
** This burn ends up spelling the end for Hermes, and after eulogizing the restorer of the Roman Empire, Jon eagerly takes control of the new Pontifex Maxima Aphroditia.
--->'''Jon:''' Yes indeed, Martial jumped straight up to 30, because... what do you mean, 'Immortal?' She's immortal? Are we a hundred percent sure she's immortal? ''Also, she's secretly Catholic!'' Wait, WHAT?!
** After sorting that out, Jon's able to take the all-important trip to the barber.
--->'''Jon:''' Though I have just realized ''one'' downside - [[SeriousBusiness we can't give her a double-beard.]] Okay, can we give her like a double... braid, or something? Anything that's vaguely double.
** "Also, I appear to have, um, missed a memo, here. But um, why do I run Italy? Like, we were just kicking their ass a second ago, but why do I... hang on, okay, everyone just started surrendering, to Aphroditia, because she's too terrifying and nobody wants to actually fight her."
** Another oddity is that Jon's inherited a new Ambition, mainly "Marry a Ruler."
--->'''Jon:''' So yeah, "The ambitious Pontifex Maxima Aphroditia thinks marrying a ruler would be an excellent way to climb the social ladder." (''beat'') I'm gonna be honest, Aphroditia, there ain't much ladder above ya, but okay.
** Jon breaks down laughing when he receives word that Aphroditia has been kicked out of the Society of Jesus.
--->'''Jon:''' (''sniggering'') I didn't realize I was in, but yeah, I'm not allowed in the Society of Jesus anymore, because I became the Pope of Zeus, and the leader of the world's pagan superpower. So I'm gonna be honest, it's a fair cop!
** It takes Jon about 20 minutes to work out that Aphroditia isn't actually immortal, she's just getting a combat bonus from the masterwork armor Jon got for Hermes, which he named "Immortal."
** Aphroditia's official Rival and greatest enemy turns out to be Proconsul Neophytos, her former tutor. Jon tries to "settle this like adults" in an axe-fight, but he's now so old that it would be considered dishonorable. So instead he tries to imprison him, prompting him to rebel, and takes things to the battlefield.
--->'''Jon:''' Let's make this happen, right here, me and you, alright? Let's see what the square root of 81 is ''now'', you bastard! [-It's probably still nine, to be perfectly honest, you can't actually change that by hitting someone with an axe.-]
** After the battle, Jon gets the option to sacrifice someone to the gods, even though the captive is a priest of Zeus.
--->'''Jon:''' I feel like, we shouldn't do that. I feel like we shouldn't. We really shouldn't. (''chipper'') Yeah, you know what, sure, why not? The odd sacrifice is fine. As long as we don't sacrifice too many people, it's not gonna be a problem.
** "Where the cock did that much money come from?! Does... does anyone know where I suddenly got 7,000 gold? Because I did ''not'' have that ten minutes ago. Okay, don't question it, it's good to have gold."
** Jon spends some money improves Rome's infrastructure, and also upgrades the Garden of Hermes to have some Secluded Groves, "which is a polite way of saying 'Hey, a really nice outside place to have sex with my husband.'"
--->'''Jon:''' Yes, we'll do that, because I'll admit, what with all the murdering, I ''have'' been having trouble, y'know, producing a son. None of that matters so much, really, I'm perfectly happy for my brother to take over when the time is right, that's A-OK. Y'know what? He can do it. The governor of Carthage can oh. (''beat'') Maybe I ''shouldn't'' let Carthage take over the Roman Empire. Okay, he's ''not'' Carthaginian, he just lives in Carthage, it's different. He ''does'' look a bit evil, though... I mean, just look at that beard, there's no "double" about it whatsoever.
** Jon wraps up the episode by assuring that it isn't the end, even if he thought the promised showdown between Rome and the Horde would have happened by now.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm gonna admit, I was assuming the Mongols would have made, you know, faster progress than that. But instead they're just sort of... hanging out, over there [on the edge of the map], with nowhere near as much troops. It's a bit ''sad'' that I'm sitting over here with 140,000 men, and Genghis Khan has got himself only 26,000, of which 17,000 are event-spawned, which are going to get worn down since you don't actually regenerate or repair event troops, so... yeah, the poor, poor, sad Mongols.
* The final, ''final'' episode is titled "Grandest Finalest," and the helmet in the [=YouTube=] thumbnail is going nuts, with a cascade of horns and googly eyes.
** Since Jon's playing as Empress Aphroditia, he gets to experience "the female side of the whole child situation" with some new events.
--->'''Jon:''' Normally I just, you know, lock my wife in a dark room and wait for a few months.
** Then his husband has the gall to question whether the child is his.
--->'''Jon:''' Arsenios, you are on flipping thin ice! [-Hang on, let me just double-check I don't have any lovers, right?-] I do but it's ''you!'' It's ''you'', you stupid bastard!
** Which, combined with Arsenios extorting money from Zeta, and Jon noticing a Genius bachelor Aphroditia's age, is enough to make him divorce his husband and kick him out, while Aphroditia is currently pregnant with his child.
--->'''Jon:''' "You are not sure when Arsenios joined your court or what he's doing here." Indeed, I can't even remember who this guy is. He can ''go'' now, actually.
** While pregnant, Aphroditia has trouble with her combat training, and Jon immediately picks the response that gives her Uncouth.
--->'''Jon:''' Many of my ancestors were Uncouth, okay? Smelling good? Not a thing my family is known for, that's fine, I'm pretty sure Perun was Uncouth too, so I'm just trying to be more like him, dammit.
** "Also, seriously, this whole 'having children' thing, not a hundred percent convinced about it, seems a bit on the dangerous side."
** When the Duchy of Alania requests direct control over one of Jon's other vassals, he denies the request. "I've got no problem with them, but... ''bordergore."''
** Due to Jon's adjustments to the imperial tax code, expenses from the great gardens in Zeta, and upgrades to Rome's infrastructure, the empire's getting low on cash.
--->'''Jon:''' And yeah, we can't go and ransack Venice anymore. I ''miss'' going to ransack Venice, that was my favorite thing to do. I mean, I guess there's this territory just ''north'' of Venice that nobody's actually claimed yet... sure, we'll go and ransack that, that'll probably be about as fun!
** Jon names Aphroditia's first child, a daughter, Harmonia, after Ares and Aphrodite's most famous daughter, and specifically to contrast Eris, harbinger of the Fourth Crusade. When Aprhoditia has a son, and as much as Jon would like to name him Claudius, instead he names him after one of Aphrodite's more infamous sons.
--->'''Jon:''' Priapus, the son of Aphrodite and... either Zeus, or Dionysus, or Hermes, depending on which tradition you're reading because yes, myths are just often making things up as they go along. But yes, he is the god of livestock, gardens, fruit and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick penises!]] He is ''literally'' the God of Penises, he's always pictured with a ''[[GagPenis massive]]'' [[GagPenis penis]], he was very popular in Roman art because penises are amusing and have been in every culture throughout history, so yes, we're going to be having him.
** At first Jon is confused when France, currently his vassal, starts grabbing territory from his other vassals.
--->'''Jon:''' I don't know how they've stolen this territory... oh. France isn't in any way bound by the rules. Have you been attacking your fellow vassals because you can attack them but they can't attack you back, because you're not ''de jure'' - [[HoistByHisOwnPetard oh, you sneaky bastards. I bet that's why you made France your primary title, you dicks!]]
** Jon's perplexed when Aphroditia and Titus produce "Hare-Lipped" children despite both of them lacking the Trait, and Titus literally lacking parents since he was created as a courtier that generation.
--->'''Jon:''' Did this game actually model recessive genes or something? That'd be wild, if so.
** Jon relishes a peasant uprising, since it lets Aphroditia improve her Personal Combat Skill by sacrificing captives.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, you wanted "rights" and "to be treated ''fairly,"'' yeah, well now you get sacrificed to Zeus.
** Aphroditia's niece Anastasia, who helped her hunt a werewolf and is the second-most competent duelist in the world, urges her to lead her troops in a raid against El-Arish, and Jon accepts. He decides to assault the holding rather than siege it down, since he'd presumably lose the same number of troops from storming the fortifications as he would by sticking around long enough to take attrition damage, but is shocked when Aphroditia's assault resolves as soon as he presses the button.
--->'''Jon:''' Just basically start moving until we lose the right- (''event pop-ups'') -number of... okay, um, never mind, we just... where did we get the - oh! How did we just... wait, ''what?'' How did we just walk straight past... right, we'll ''you're'' a cocking military genius, apparently. Right, well somehow you just walked straight past a city with 5.5 in terms of Defense, so that's... that's good. I mean, honestly, now that you're here and you're raiding, and now we know that yeah, their army's stuck up here [in Syria] for some reason... you kind of well just raid the rest of Egypt, to be honest!
** So Aphroditia gets to display what her Martial of 37 (70) and Personal Combat Skill of 136 can do when she's leading an army.
--->'''Jon:''' So yeah, this is a 5.5 [Defense holding] with 1,600 men. So, just out of interest, when we get up to full strength, can we just basically walk straight through this, again? Because seriously, that would be brilliant. And...\\
(''presses Attempt an Assault and instantly wins the Siege of Tinnis with 494 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' ...How the hell did we just do that? How are we-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Said with 184 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' How are we walking straight through these territories? This is, this is ridiculous! Okay, Aphroditia is just walking over the cocking walls!\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Isma'illa with 440 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' We're not even taking... we're not even taking casualties! I ''do not'' understand how this is happening, but somehow, we're able to just-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Damietta with 419 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' -walk straight through bloody territories-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Burlus with 283 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' -right now, this is... ''what?!'' This is insane!
** "Also, Athena apparently came up age and the game didn't tell me, and yeah, in terms of both abilities and haircut, it has not turned out well."
** Either because of or despite Aphroditia's raid on Egypt, Sunni Islam declares a jihad for Roman Alexandria, and Jon can only say "Good luck with that, you stupid losers" before sending the empress and her sisters-in-arms to lead the counter-attack.
--->'''Jon:''' Alright, Aphroditia, same thing we did last time we were here, please, just basically yeah, push in and instantly-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Damietta with 406 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' You're just instantly taking territory.\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Burius with 161 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' This is ridiculous. I don't know how she's doing this, but-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Saramash with 333 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' We're already up to, yep, 22% [Warscore]. You made a ''real'' mistake attacking-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Burah with 399 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' -Aphroditia, by the way-\\
(''instantly wins the Siege of Fareskur with 122 casualties'')\\
'''Jon:''' -'cause she is just going up to the cities and accepting their surrender one by one.
** And then Aphroditia gets to lead her army of 21,000 in a proper field battle against 27,000 jihadis.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, just look how fast the [enemy] center's collapsing! She's not taking casualties! She's just chased them off! This is, this is ludicrous! This is absolutely ridiculous, she just basically went screaming into the front line with Tragedy in one hand and the Axe of Perun in the other! And they've just ''collapsed!''
** In the middle of rampaging through Egypt (again), Jon receives word that the Aphroditia's hunting dog has gone on a rampage of its own.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh dear, um... my hunting dog possibly was possessed by Satan, that does actually, that does actually happen, sometimes. Okay, I might have the Satan dog event.
** Jon reaches 100% warscore, but decides to continue fighting the invading armies.
--->'''Jon:''' Honestly, this is good battlefield experience for Aphroditia. She's just getting stronger and stronger from this. Every person you put in her way just makes her more powerful.
** "And my brother, who I am increasingly suspicious is just trying to get me killed so he can take over, now wants me to track down somebody to go and murder him. But to be honest, I should be able to handle that, so yes, I accept, you stupid loser."
** Tragically, young Priapus dies "attending to chamber business" at age 11.
--->'''Jon:''' He ''did'' have dysentery at the time, so... I'm not too suspicious, story checks out.
** This leads Jon to notice that his ex-husband [[TakingTheKids took most of his kids, including his eldest son]]. And then his current husband is assassinated on the order of the King of France, prompting his most terrible revenge.
--->'''Jon:''' Um, excuse me, yes, over here for a second, please, we need to talk about this. I mean, I'm gonna be honest - you're very useful, and haven't caused much in the way of trouble. But you ''did'' just have my husband murdered. I'm not even that angry, I'm just sort of curious ''why?'' Actually, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna send you a lovely gift, a ''big'' pile of money, isn't that nice of us? And now we're at +88 [Opinion], what I'm gonna do now, is, the one thing to you that's ''worse'' than murdering your loved ones. I'm going to ''demand gavelkind'', because I can't help but notice you have a ''lot'' of sons, and a lot of titles, all over the world, that I wouldn't mind seeing split up a bit. So yeah, you're going to be gavelkinding now. And for 200 gold he'll do it, there ya go, I consider us even at this point.
** After pushing gender equality a few notches forward, Jon's Martial position is filled by Aphroditia's niece Anastasia.
--->'''Jon:''' This is what the Roman Empire is, right now, the world's greatest warrior-aunt is just traveling around with her niece, trashing ''everything''.
** At long last, the "Start of a Legend" event fires, which involves the random Bulgarian Skull that's been sitting in the Choirosphaktes family vault for generations finally being converted into [[SkullCups a drinking-cup.]]
--->'''Jon:''' Not ''entirely'' what I was planning on doing with it, given that the Bulgarians are now our best friends, but on the other hand, they did sort of just murder my husband. So sure, why not?
** One hour and fifteen minutes into the final episode, Jon notes that the Kingdom of Thrace is ''finally'' cleaning up the bordergore in Anatolia by conquering the Abbasid exclave there.
** During her dueling spree into the Middle East, Aphroditia gets wounded fighting a GiantMook in a tournament. And then fights ''another'' giant, with the same Personal Combat Skill, with the same event messages.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, there's just two giants in different tournaments just down the road, they're probably competing coliseums or something. So that's absolutely fine, he did the exact same thing so I was probably expecting it on this occasion...
** In the end, Aphroditia returns home scarred but triuphant.
--->'''Jon:''' I'm not even ''injured!'' I'm splattered with blood and couldn't be bothered to clean it off, I guess it's part of, you know, [[BloodSplatteredWarrior the general aesthetic or whatever.]]
** So the 52-year-old Aphroditia gets to found a ''second'' warrior bloodline and gains the "Renowned Hero" trait, which among other things gives her a bonus to Sex Appeal.
--->'''Jon:''' So, I am gonna get lucky tonight, marvelous!
** Meanwhile, over in the corner of the map, Genghis Khan is dead at 85 from an infected wound, and the Mongol Empire is led by an underwhelming kid and not doing much. Several viewers have commented that [[CallBack once again, the Mongols spent the campaing just Horde Bumbling around.]]
** The last thing Jon does as Aphroditia before going through the House Choirosphaktes chronicles is summoning a goldsmith to make her a better hat.

[[folder:''Crusader Kings III - The Tale of the Last Viking'']]
* Jon's first ''CK III'' series will be his first Viking playthrough, and while he considered going with the 867 AD start date, he decided that would be "a little bit too on the easy side," since there's a solid block of Norse culture and lots of weak, divided neighbors to pillage. Instead he's playing from the 1066 start date, i.e. the ''end'' of the Viking Age, as Count Olaf of Åland, one of the last pagans in Sweden.
** "Can we preserve the Viking Age? Will we have no choice but to bow and accept Christianity? And most importantly of all, can I find a dog? Because now, you get to pet your dog by decision, and I've never wanted to do anything more than this."
** When properly introducing Count Olaf, defender of Viking-dom, Jon admits "I never said this was going to be easy."
--->'''Jon:''' He's not exactly, shall we say, Viking material. I mean I assume his parents did their best trying to turn him into a good Viking. He's got himself a good - and when I say "good," I mean, y'know, sort of ''okay'' - Martial education, alright. He is very good at fording water, which is good, 'cause if needs to march his army literally anywhere, he needs to ford water one way or another. So that's probably quite useful, but um... unfortunately, he's not really got that killer spirit, if we're going to be honest. Instead no, he's picked up some much more sociable, pleasant, diplomacy-style personality traits. He is in fact incredibly Trusting, nice and Calm, and Patient. So, he is in no rush to save the Viking Age, whatsoever. Which is a shame, because it's already 1066 and things are a bit on the late side.
** In fact, Jon immediately takes Olaf to character customization menu and confiscates his Viking-y helmet.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh that's much better, you've got lovely hair, show it off.
** When examining Olaf's liege, King Erik II Stenkilsson, Jon has to admit "that's a good beard for a twenty-year-old, well done!"
** While considering his options for expansion, Jon can't help but notice the nearby Grand City of Gotland and its 31 lootable gold.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, Olaf, you might get that hat back sooner than expected.
** In Olaf's court is one Malin "the Inevitable" Jonsson, a Scarred, Reclusive, Irritable, Reckless, Berserker and an Unyielding Defender.
--->'''Jon:''' I read that as an "Unyielding Disaster" the first time, that would have been even better! She's also Vengeful, and Stubborn, and Ambitious... I mean, are we a hundred percent sure we want her to be in this territory? Oh bloody hell, she's our ''Spymaster!'' Oh this is oh, um, I mean... she's almost certainly the most qualified person for the job. She does have 19 Intrigue and like... hates me. And also, oh, she's Catholic, and thus thinks I'm evil. Okay, Malin "the Inevitable" Jonsson, we might not necessarily want her to be around. I'm not convinced she's going to be good for my health in the long run.
** The good news is, unlike ''CK II'', in ''CK III'' you can shuffle Council positions at will. "The problem is, I'm surrounded by absolute flipping incompetents." Also, "everyone hates me."
** "I know it seems like a bad idea, entrusting my son and heir to a Spymaster who doesn't like me, but she's ''going'' to like me as a result of me giving her the heir. Hopefully. So yeah, in five months she's going to absolutely love me. And when I say 'love me,' I mean 'not actively hate me,' which I'll flipping take for the time being."
** One perk of being a Norse holdout is that Jon's allowed to take concubines from the women in his court. But "probably ''not'' the Inevitable Jonsson."
** Olaf already has some ranks in the Martial lifestyle skill trees, but Jon considers branching into Diplomacy since almost nobody in the world likes him.
--->'''Jon:''' We need to do the one-two punch here, okay? Velvet glove on one hand, shaking hands and making friends, spiked knuckle on the other, punching possibly the same person in the face at the same time.
** Jon decides to pay Gotland a visit, explaining "This isn't a war, I'm just having that lovely 30 gold." Unfortunately...
--->'''Jon:''' Um, I'm gonna be honest, this is a slightly embarrassing start for Count Olaf. 'cause it turns out you can't raid your own [neighboring vassals'] territory, you're only allowed to raid ''foreigners''' territory. So as a result of that, we all put on our spiky Viking helmets that totally weren't actually a thing, that's complete nonsense, it's ahistorical and didn't happen - um, and came down to this republic, and now we're just sort of standing around, not sure what to do. This is probably very embarrassing to our religion. (''to Olaf'') This here, this is why you don't get a hat!
** "Okay, let's, let's just go home, quickly and quietly, and [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain pretend this didn't happen.]] We didn't ''techncially'' raid anybody. If anyone asks, we weren't here to raid, we were here on ''holiday'', okay? We just came down to... Gotland for a nice holiday."
** Jon eyes his neighboring Swedish counties as potential steps towards seizing the Duchy of Uppland. Problem is...
--->'''Jon:''' Um, the Duchy of Uppland is, the next person in line to get it... the King of Sweden himself. So, if he takes the Duchy, then all of a sudden he has the right to start - [[ExplainExplainOhCrap ohhhh, that's not good.]]
** So Jon starts rooting for Prince Erik II to start popping out more heirs to split up his titles, and is concerned that his wife isn't pregnant.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, but you're under house arrest, right? That doesn't affect your fertility in the slightest, you're still in the same place as your wife. In fact, if anything, you're now basically bound to spend ''more'' time with her, because you're locked in with her. [[RealitySubtext Welcome to our world, by the way,]] you're now just stuck inside for the foreseeable future. Look, just have a date night with the wife, you need to get out a son as soon as possible, please, otherwise Catholicism is just going to have the Duchy of Uppland.
** Since every potential raid target on the Baltic coast has a bigger military than Jon, he decides to look further afield. Like, say, the fractious counties of Ireland.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, activate raiding, take two! ''This'' time, it's going to work!
** "We're gonna come home with a giant pile of booty! Is that the right term? I know that's like pirates, but can that also apply to, like, y'know, raiders and Vikings and such? Did they have booty?"
** Jon notices that Countess Bothid actually accompanied Olaf on the looting and pillaging, and declares "This has become a really wholesome Viking raid."
** Jon's concubine Inga gets pregnant, which excites Jon until he remembers some other details.
--->'''Jon:''' You're also educating my... Okay, so, I just realized, that yes, um, what happened is, I've got a primary wife, and Inga, one of my concubines, is now pregnant. Now, her children ''do'' enter the line of succession, um, but as a result of that, it would technically work in her unborn child's favor if she were to, y'know, somehow engineer an [[MakeItLookLikeAnAccident accident]] involving my son, who she's the guardian of, and also, she's my Spymaster, and ''also'' she's a Godless Ravener, so... Okay, um, I'm ''sure'' this is fine, she seems to like me!
** A war in Wales spills over into Ireland, as its divided counties get pulled in via alliances across the Irish Sea.
--->'''Jon:''' [[LetNoCrisisGoToWaste Right, everyone back on the boats, we're going back to Ireland.]]
** Inga's child turns out to be a girl, who Jon names Björg under the logic "it's a fun name to say."
** Jon doesn't immediately recognize Olaf during a raid event pop-up, since "I'm not used to seeing myself that angry," and he picks the outcome that nets him the most gold.
--->'''Jon:''' Bring me bounteous plunder! And once you're done with that, bring me some plunderous bounty, alright, I want both!
** Jon gets an event where a chieftain demands satisfaction after Jon's Steward killed his daughter, and chooses to force the Steward to beg forgiveness in public rather than pay a ''weregild''.
--->'''Jon:''' Sorry, you're not getting any money out of me, alright? It took the Irish a long time to earn this money.
** "Oh, good. My incompetent Chancellor is in fact ''so'' incompetent he's accidentally given a claim, [[CriticalFailure to our own county,]] to the ''king of cocking Finland!'' Alright, didn't you listen to the history I was just telling you about Åland? They don't want to be ruled by Finland! This is ''literally'' the worst thing you could have done!"
** Jon naturally names Olaf's newborn son Jonn, with "a double N to make it Scandinavian."
** "Okay, so we're on to the bloody ''third'' King of Sweden and we're less than ten years into the game! This is slightly ridiculous!"
** When Olaf's firstborn son Adalvard comes of age, Jon approves of his Viking outfit, but removes the kid's helmet.
--->'''Jon:''' In ''this'' house, Adalvard, we ''earn'' our helmets, okay? You get the helmet when you prove yourself.
** Jon belatedly notices that the Petty Kingdom of Uppland is currently held by a Catholic, namely the new King of Sweden, who is Jon's immediate liege ''and'' has the power to ask to revoke titles.
--->'''Jon:''' ...We need to get rid of that, like, now, actually. That needs to ''go''.
** Then, ''after'' joining a Liberty faction, Jon notices that the King of Sweden is now Asatru as a result of a popular uprising against Catholicism.
--->'''Jon:''' He ''definitely'' wasn't when he got elected, 'cause literally... okay, he's seen the light! Flipping hallelujah, or whatever the equivalent is for Thor! And on that Perception -1 ''bombshell'', 'cause I've no bloody clue how long he's been Norse, but like, he is now, so spectacular! I would say that is enough for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a - this is a pretty solid start. It's a mixed bag, to be honest, which is... we do actually have a King of Sweden who has flipped to the true path. But like, on the other hand, Sweden has sort of disintegrated into a completely incoherent mess. [...] Welcome back to ''Crusader Kings'', where everything's nonsense and you can never bloody predict what's about to happen next.
* Part 2 - Finnish Him
** Jon recaps the previous episode and how "things have just spiraled out of control."
--->'''Jon:''' Sweden managed to get through three kings in seven years because they just don't bloody stay alive, the War of 1066 has been raging for the best part of a decade at this point and still isn't decided after spiraling out of control and drawing in four different allies, and after all this chaos we've still only got a ''single'' country.
** Jon has no idea how to pronounce and distinguish the counties of Åland and Öland.
** Åland's most valuable alliance is with the High Chiefdom of Lappland. "So nobody mess with me, I will summon the hordes of reindeer down upon you to rain holy red-nosed fury."
** "Poor Bjorg is actually delicate, she is literally an egg. Okay, she's my favorite daughter, but on the other hand, she might die. And when I say 'favorite' daughter, yes, ''only'' daughter."
** After getting called into one of Sweden's internal conflicts, Jon is pleased that his champions are pulling an "absolute flipping walkover" on his rival's knights.
--->'''Jon:''' And when I say "walkover," like, here's the problem, with the fact that I haven't properly invested in, y'know, Pursuit or proper troops, which is, ''technically'', I've actually lost about the same amount as he has. We both lost like, y'know, 80-odd men. [[PyrrhicVictory He retreated, but it was still a kick in the teeth for me.]]
** Jon's pleased to see another Swedish noble forced to convert to the Norse religion, and that the current king's wife is pregnant.
--->'''Jon:''' ...Which is good, because the king has Great Pox. Why is ''every'' Swedish king getting sick and dying?! We're going through them faster than bloody [[Literature/HarryPotter Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers!]]
** When a horde of Finns show up to raid Åland, Jon concludes that it's more cost-effective for him to take his army and raid the British Isles than it is to try and defend himself.
** "Oh, and perfect! Over in Wales we've got the 'Fire and Blood' event, so we get to do some ''extra special'' looting!"
** "'Accused of Claim Fabrication.' I'm gonna be honest, I am - yes, it's not really an accusation if it's true."
** While Jon's planning his conquest of a weakened Finland, he notes a "fairly major event I apparently completely missed," Lappland's conquest of Wolin, a war which has dragged in Sweden, Denmark, and ''Croatia'', "because why wouldn't they be?"
** When it's time to invade Finland, Jon decides Olaf will be leading the attack in person, which means it's time for a hat.
--->'''Jon:''' Just a ''small'' hat, to start us off with, okay? We don't rush hats in this family, we got to take things carefully. Start with a nice, soft hat, and we'll see how you do with that.
** In the middle of his war, Jon notices he's still part of the Liberty faction and quickly drops out before his now-Norse liege notices.
** When Jon captures some Finnish courtier named Nydog, Jon remarks "You know what's fun about prisoners? We believe in HumanSacrifice!" But then he notices the guy has an Intrigue of 20, and there's a new "Recruit" option for prisoners...
--->'''Jon:''' I could recruit you, demand your conversion, gain a weak Hook over you, and you, my friend, could be the best Spymaster I ever had. I mean, [Intrigue] 20... welcome the flip aboard! Okay, now ''admittedly'', he does ''slightly'' hate me for the moment, but that's going to start going up very, very fast indeed. I'm not gonna make him Spymaster ''just'' yet, not just yet, but keep an eye on him, he could be very useful once he, you know, chills out.
** "Oh, sorry, I forgot that [fabricating a claim on the County of Sevede] was a thing that we were supposed to be doing! I don't have the money for that right now. Just keep hanging around, we'll get to that at some point."
** The end result of Jon's conquest of Finland? A religiously and culturally divergent territory bringing in no tax revenue and no levies, with primitive infrastructure and a tribal society that would cost Jon 500 gold to feudalize, on the borders of several other hostile tribes that would love to raid it. But then he realizes something:
--->'''Jon:''' Actually, ooh - it turns out I'm a genius. Okay, so, no one's going to raid this, because it's not worth raiding! There's nothing worth raiding here! So as a result of that, it's basically going to keep Åland safe, because people are going to raid each other in - oh, it turns out I'm a genius!
** Jon decides to go raid his Irish "piggy bank" again with his newly-expanded army, only to find out that he can't actually afford to have all his men standing at once.
** During another Irish rampage, Jon captures the son and heir of the petty king of Connacht, and decides to keep the guy captive until his father has more money to pay a ransom with.
--->'''Jon:''' For the moment, though, we'll just keep raiding. We'll decide what to do with your son in a second - [[HeelRealization I'm the bad guy, aren't I?]]
** "Also, I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I just, um, had a quick look around Europe. So, Hungary's been getting, y'know, [[{{Pun}} hungry]] in regards to some of its neighbors. So... I think they ate Poland while no one was looking."
** Fifteen minutes after dragging Nydog back to Åland, Jon asks himself why he did that when he already has a competent Spymaster who ''doesn't'' actively hate him.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, we should probably, like, get rid of you, or something. Can we imprison you? Is that a thing we're allowed to do? No, he's too damn clever.
** Olaf's son Stennar comes of age, and is greeted with "For the last time, you do ''not'' get a flipping helmet, you have to ''earn'' it!"
** An event where Jon's army gets split up and lost, or hits the pub instead of the rally point, leads to Olaf learning a Martial lifestyle perk from the experience. "In fact I got two of them, because apparently I forgot to actually, y'know, spend the last one."
** After years rooting for the King of Sweden to pop out heirs, Jon is now thinking about when his liege should have an "accident" to split his domain up for easy pickings.
* Part 3 - Dirty Secrets
** With his conquest of Finland and Gestriklandia last episode, Jon's now up to three whole counties, which doesn't mean much until he can usurp the right territories to form a duchy so his domain is inherited intact by his primary heir. "Apart from Finland. We don't get to keep Finland, but whatever."
** On the bright side, since Gestriklandia has a temple holding, Jon's court ''goði'' is finally relevant. "For the first time, this guy actually matters."
** Jon's delighted that one of Olaf's grandkids is a Giant, meaning that trait's somewhere in the family gene pool. "In fact, she's a Giant and she's Bossy. I don't know if shield-maidens exist, but if they do, she could one-hundred-percent be one."
** Jon sends his Spymaster to snoop for secrets in Sweden's capital.
--->'''Jon:''' And yeah, just in theory, if I might need, y'know, the king, to die at some point, then finding some secrets - y'know, blackmail material, in his court - that could be very useful indeed.
** What are the qualities of a good Champion? Combat skill and a landless background.
--->'''Jon:''' So, in the event that he gets himself killed during a fight, it doesn't really matter. You want good, quality ''nobodies'' as your knights, if at all possible.
** Jon's Spymaster finally gets results from his snooping in Uppland, like the identity of "the secret lover of [[RageHelm Doctor Doom]], marvelous."
** "Okay, Sweden just wants the Inner Hebrides. I don't know ''why'' Sweden wants the Inner Hebrides, but to be honest, I welcome it, because you know what we're seeing here? We're seeing Scandinavia, looking at Britain, and saying 'Actually, ''yoink!'' That's mine now!' And that, that's pretty much pure Viking right there, so huzzah!"
** When returning to the "piggy bank," Jon admits he's starting to feel sorry for the petty king of Connacht.
--->'''Jon:''' Seriously, I've come in here, I've looted the place, I got the event that gave me even ''more'' flipping money, ''then'' I captured his wife and daughter, and I've got 75 gold for them too. And by the way, we're about to be taking what this church has got.
** Jon's ally Lappland is fighting Norway, who he doesn't want to formally declare war on, but his new commander ''does'' like raiding, and he ''is'' out of money, and Norway ''does'' have some vulnerable Scottish holdings...
** A best-case scenario comes to pass when Jon notices that King of Sweden has three sons.
--->'''Jon:''' So, ''if'' in theory - just in theory, let's just play a little thought experiment that's not in any way a crime - the king were to die tomorrow...
** "Also, does anyone know who this baby is and why he's in my prison? Oh, we must have captured him in Scotland, right, um... Okay, so... [-I mean, we could kill the baby. That would gain me some Dread, and that would gain me some Piety, which is nice.-] Um, yeah, sure, let's just kill the baby, we're going to burn the baby at the stake, that's actually worth a good bit of Piety for me."
** Jon's spying in the capital uncovers a blackmail-worthy scandal, like an illicit affair. Or something.
--->'''Jon:''' ...They've both single, so I'm not really sure why that's a crime, but whatever. I mean, are you a hundred percent sure it's adultery if they're both single? Because I'm not convinced!
** "Lindolf, I'm going to be honest, we don't really need you for anything. So, you're being sent off to a matrilineal marriage, sorry about that."
** While Jon's allies are distracted with their own conflicts, the Catholic Count Tjudmund of Övre Dalarna declares war in an attempt to take back Gestriklandia. But through a strategic marriage, Jon's able to quickly forge an alliance with his fellow pagan Count Faste of Varmaland before the invader can recruit him.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh dear, it's looking a bit more dicey all of a sudden, isn't it? It looks like your next-door neighbor has betrayed you to the side of the angels! Or to be precise, the side of the not-angels!
** Then it turns out Jon's investments in his army and Champions means he could have defeated Tjudmund's rabble by himself, so bringing an ally in is just overkill.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh no, you shouldn't have started this war, should you? You've made a horrible, horrible mistake! Because it turns out, oh dear, you're Catholic, and you're in the wrong flipping neighborhood, mate!
** [[BrickJoke Sweden claiming the Inner Hebrides]] put it in diplomatic range of Ireland, which resulted in some alliances with the Irish petty kingdoms, which resulted in Sweden getting pulled into a war with England proper. Or as Jon puts it, "It's flipping back on, Scandinavia versus England round two, let's flipping go!"
** "Also, slightly awkward moment - my allies to the north are sort of attacking my liege right now. Doesn't seem to reflect particularly badly on me. He hasn't invited me [to help], understandably, so I'm just going to stay where I am and not say anything."
* Part 4 - To Kill a King
** Jon kicks off the episode with the first ''CK III'' installment of "The Things That Jon Got Wrong," the least of which isn't that it's impossible to usurp titles from your liege, which is what Jon has been trying to do for the past episode.
** Jon belatedly notices that the motto of House Gren, "Never Greedy, Always Noble," is "possibly the least Viking thing I've ever heard, but whatever." Also, Count Olaf has no parents on the family tree, so "I was just a child found on the beach or something."
** With the King of Sweden distracted by several simultaneous wars, Jon starts plotting to kill his liege and gathers co-conspirators, such as a courtier who dislikes King Håkan due to a personality conflict.
--->'''Jon:''' So, he's Impatient, the king is Patient, so uh, yeah, I see the issue. Honestly, that seems a bit petty to ''murder'' him, but apparently he was really, really, annoyingly patient.
** A feast event fires where Count Olaf finds himself talking about poisons with his daughter Björg, and Jon is thoroughly wierded out when one of the responses is "I am more interested in you..."
--->'''Jon:''' ...Okay, no, no, don't do that. And also, why would she... [-Why would she like that?-] I mean... that's... that strikes me as... Okay, we're just gonna discuss poison, and ''not'' [[ParentalIncest incest]]. Like seriously, even putting aisde the fact that she's ''my daughter'', we really need to stay sweet with the leader of Lappland. We ''really'' need his troops to help protect us against Norway.
** Jon admits raiding his "piggy bank" has got to be sad from the Irish point of view.
--->'''Jon:''' Every time we come back, we've got more people, and thus carry off more gold. So I'm ''really'' sorry about this. [[VerbalBackspace Not]] ''[[VerbalBackspace that]]'' [[VerbalBackspace sorry. Just a bit sorry.]]
** "Sorry, I wasn't even meaning to attack ''you'', I just accidentally went over the border, my mistake!"
** Jon's priest manages to fabricate a claim on the County of Uppland, which predicatly upsets its current holder.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh no, the king doesn't like me. He will hold on to this insult for as long as he's alive, which fortunately won't actually be that long.
** The good news is, Jon's able to incite a riot and get the king killed via "good old-fashioned mob rule." The downside is, "we just kind of broke Sweden right in the middle of a war against Norway, so that's kind of unfortunate."
** The new King Stenkil gets on well with Count Olaf, which is good, because Jon's about to press a claim against the six-year-old Prince Bo.
--->'''Jon:''' I hope the king doesn’t object too much to me waging war on his baby brother. But you know what, screw it, I don't care. [...] Also, [the former queen] Emma doesn't like it, because yes, that's Emma's child. But if Emma wants to make a big deal about this, [[{{Blackmail}} I am happy to talk about her internet browsing history,]] so she'd better just stay the flip quiet.
** Jon's not impressed by King Stenkil II's decision to marry a lowborn Finnish woman who's the wrong sort of pagan and can't even provide him a useful alliance, but "true love finds a way, I suppose."
** Jon needs to raise money to create a duchy title, Norway's armies are busy fighting his liege, and their territories to the west are ripe for the picking. So he sends his troops on a raid while the King of Sweden desperately tries to defend Norrbotten.
--->'''Jon:''' Good luck with the war, by the way. I'm sure it's gonna go ''great'' for you.
** Jon marries his son Jonn to one of the daughters of the powerful Count of Värend, only to realize he picked the ''younger'' daughter, who inherited one county and next to no troops.
** In the midst of his scheming, Jon happens to check who is the leading candidate to succeed the current king. Turns out it's Prince Bo.
--->'''Jon:''' ...because we might be able to kill - UH OH. Um... okay, uh, yes, didn't think that one through, did you, Jon? So, um... okay, so the old king ''definitely'' can't be allowed to die, got it. 'cause literally everyone's voting for the guy who I invaded, and stole all his stuff, and then forced a Hook on him.
** Jon doesn't know why Sweden's war with Norway isn't done yet even after Norway has occupied all the territory it's able to, but since the fighting ties up the king's forces...
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, don't question it, it works in my favor.
** Then Jon's stunned to find there's now a faction in Sweden that wants to put Count Olaf on the throne of Uppland, and several powerful nobles are aboard with it.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, I wasn't expecting this, but the flipping Viking [[ComicBook/TheAvengers Avengers]] have just [[Film/AvengersEndgame popped out of their portals]], and they want all ''me'' to have... I don't know ''why'', maybe they like me more?
** So Jon makes his move, all his allies jump aboard, and he rushes to besiege Sigtuna while King Stenkil is busy with his external problems, and hopefully before those problems reach Jon.
--->'''Jon:''' If [Norway] actually comes to attack ''me'' now im going to be ''so'' flipping annoyed...
** While checking on the wider world, Jon is surprised that the Irish duchy of Munster now controls Cheshire.
--->'''Jon:''' So Ireland has sort of gone and colonized a bit of England. Which is, you know what, historically, fair enough, we deserve that.
** After his short but victorious war, Jon has all the territories to the Duchy of Uppland, but King Stenkil still has the title. So Jon resorts to... asking politely for it, and the "surprisingly chill" king hands it over without further complaint.
** To wrap things up, Jon moves his capital from Sund to the more advanced Sigtuna, and renames his domain from Åland to...
--->'''Jon:''' Now we are the Duke of ''Owland'' and nobody can criticize me, because this is officially Owland! We're gonna put an owl on the flag, I am now pronouncing it ''correctly''.
* Part 5 - Sweden of Iniquity
** Jon kicks off the episode with a list of "The Things That Jon Did ''Right!"'', namely securing a duchy and the integrity of his empire, through "possibly the most ridiculously long-winded way imaginable."
** Sweden as a whole is still getting its ass kicked by Norway in a holy war, and while Jon ''could'' send his mighty army in to help his liege directly, he can't help but notice that Norway's capital is right in a border territory, and currently undefended...
--->'''Jon:''' Keep an eye on that up there, while we just, y'know, make giant piles of other people's money.
** Prince Bo is still the leading candidate to be the next King of Sweden, and still hates Jon over that whole war thing. Then Jon remembers he has a hook on the guy, and Bo is single...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh flip me, oh flip the flip out of me. I can get the next King of Sweden hooked up, matrilineally, to my flipping granddaughter! [...] Oh flip me, this is accidentally perfect!
** An event fires where Prince Adalvard decides to murder a peasant during a hunt. After pondering whether to get rid of his heir in a HuntingAccident, Jon isn't confident his favorite candidate would replace Adalvard, and ultimately hides the truth about his son. And then the final event of the hunting chain fires.
--->'''Jon:''' And I gain Prestige from being revitalized, from... covering up the murder. I feel like that would stress me out more, to be honest, but whatever.
** "Oh, Sweden is... Sweden might be collapsing, a bit, at the moment, which is a problem. [...] But yeah, Sweden has been occupied by, uh, by Wales, right now. The only bit of Sweden that's actually you know, Sweden, which I think is causing problems for everybody, actually."
** When the first jihad kicks off, Jon can only comment "the thing that isn't the title of the game has occurred."
** After Olaf's beloved wife died, Jon had him remarry purely to have an extra manager in court, and is caught off-guard when Duchess Linda pops out a daughter.
--->'''Jon:''' We shall name you Surprise, which is the polite way of saying "Accident."
** Oh top of the Norwegian holy war and various British powers piling in over the Inner Hebrides, Jon's holding in Finland gets hit by raiders.
--->'''Jon:''' We're being attacked by too many sides, and Sweden can't do anything because they've only got one county. That one's kind of ''my'' fault, in some ways, I feel like some of the eggs I have laid are coming home to roost.
** Jon decides to take the Duchy of Skåne off Denmark, mobilizes his mighty army, and immediately has to wonder "how am I losing ''that'' much money?"
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, oh ''good'', it turns out I read that completely wrong... okay. So that's um, that's much more expensive than I was expecting. Okay, so we need to wrap up this war in eight months.
** Jon decides Duke Olaf will lead the army, to lend his expertise in siegecraft.
--->'''Jon:''' Like, we're making 2.7% progress daily, that's ''crazy'', and we're gonna make a load of loot when the job's done, too. And-\\
(''"You have died" screen pops up'')\\
'''Jon:''' ...Well ''that's'' sad. Okay, so... I mean... I thought he was fine. But then, I guess it does indeed make sense that, y'know, he was sixty-four. I guess he died peacefully. And when I say peacefully, he ''was'' engaged in a siege - he did a lot of sieging! Okay, that's not too surprising, all things considered.
** While eulogizing the late Duke of Owland, Jon describes how despite some mild-mannered traits, Olaf was indeed a champion of the Viking Age.
--->'''Jon:''' Because what do you expect Vikings to do? You expect them to get in their boats, go to flipping Ireland, and tear it to shreds until you are rich. And that is what he did, alright?
** The first thing Jon notices when taking over as Adalvard mid-war is his army's effectiveness dropping due to the new guy's lack of stats. The second thing concerns his alliances.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, no, we've, okay, we've lost everything. We've actually lost - okay, that's, that's, right, yes, in that case, get them back on board, please!
** While belatedly setting Adalvard's lifestyle, Jon discovers the guy is "a Patriarch who is Chaste, so you get more skill points for your children but you don't have children, great, thumbs-up all around."
** An event fires where Adalvard feels compelled to spill a dark secret to a confidant.
--->'''Jon:''' Uh oh. How many secrets do I have? Because I might have been doing bad stuff [[BuffySpeak when I wasn't... me.]]
** "Guys, seriously, we need to not be fighting amongst ourselves for the time being. In case you haven't noticed, like, Catholics, so many Catholics, ''everywhere."''
** "I need to think - what would my dad do if he was this badly in debt and needed money?" (''cut to [[ButtMonkey Ireland]]'') "Oh, ''right'', yes!"
** Jon belatedly notices his vassal is being invaded, but before he can respond...
--->'''Jon:''' Oh good, I think we just lost Finland. Because my liege got himself ''cocking captured'' before I could go and help.
** Jon gets notified that Olaf Adalvardsson is back as the heir, checks his stats, sees that he's inferior to his sister...
--->'''Jon:''' I mean... just in theory... (''opens the Scheme menu'') Oh, I can't murder him because he's my own child. I think you need a special perk for that.
** "We do have enough money to get rid of the debt, we just need to come home and bank it. But while we're here, we might as well take out the last two [settlements]. One day, I ''promise'' we will stop looting Ireland whenever we need some extra cash. I promise, one day we will. [...] Alright, 'bye guys, see you in a few months!"
** Jon disinherits Adalvard's son Olaf in favor of his Brave, Ambitious Giant of a sister, and remarks "This whole 'sucession' thing could have been a lot easier, going to Adalvard, had I actually realized that yes, I could have done this at any time, actually. So that's unfortunate."
** After half an hour panicking that no one wants to form a marriage alliance with him, Jon has an "impromptu, last-minute episode of Lets Talk About All The Things Jon Got Wrong" when he realizes his options were so limited because he'd left the "My Religion Only" filter on.
* Part 6 - Cruel to be Gavelkind
** When reminiscing about Duke Olaf, Jon assures us that while the game may ''say'' he died peacefully of old age, he really "died doing what he loved, which is murdering and robbing Catholics." Meanwhile Adalvard doesn't get a hat until he's distinguished himself.
** At least the war for Skåne was successful.
--->'''Jon:''' So New Owland is looking good, and by "good" I mean, Control is um, absolutely terrible. So we're basically getting nothing out of this place.
** As for Sweden in general, it's surrounded by enemies and led by an incompetent, weak king who doesn't own enough land to raise the armies needed to defend his realm.
--->'''Jon:''' Now, that is ''partially'' my fault, I'm going to admit, because I may have murdered the old king. [...] ''Mainly'', however, it was the fault of gavelkind, because like three kings died in fairly rapid succession, so the Swedish lands got a bit divided up. Not my fault, gavelkind's fault, let's just blame gavelkind.
** After spending the previous episode fretting about gaining alliances by marriage, Jon remembers that you can just ''ask'' neighboring rulers if they want to enter an alliance.
** It also turns out you can change your dynasty name and motto at any time, so House Gren's motto becomes "In this house, we ''earn'' [[TheHilarityOfHats hats]]."
** Jon's annoyed when he notices he's married two family members to a set of twins in the same dynasty. He also realizes "There's no such character as Jondolf, that's just Jonn. Wait, who was marrying ''this'' person? ''Lindolf!'' Sorry, I sort of merged my brothers together there, sorry about that."
** Jon decides to commission an epic about House Gren, but gets a little over-enthusiastic clicking confirmation buttons.
--->'''Jon:''' And not just ''any'' epic, no, a ''mighty'', great epic, make it - that was 50 and another 100 on top, wasn't it? Right, we're back in, we're back in debt at this point. Good, good-good-good. I accidentally just put myself back in debt there. Good, I'm just thrilled about that.
** The epic's chronicler asks Jon whether to emphasize Adalvard's great-great-grandfather's cunning or honor.
--->'''Jon:''' I mean, you ''say'' that, are you like, a hundred percent sure? Because, like, beyond my father we literally don't have a family tree, we're just making this up.
** When even the Holy Roman Empire declares a holy war on a Swedish duchy, Jon has to admit "I'm staring to suspect Sweden is beyond salvation."
** In some typical ''CK III'' bordergore, Lappland seizes Desmond off Ireland, which dismays Jon.
--->'''Jon:''' The problem is, now ''you're'' going to be raiding Ireland all the time, aren't you?
** Jon, who views Adalvard's Chaste trait as a virtue under gavelkind succession, is horrified when his concubine Linda becomes pregnant, and immediately dismisses her from his court. Problem is, young Ragnhild is still counted as a legitimate heir, and now Jon can't disinherit her because Linda is no longer within Jon's realm.
** Good news is, the King of Sweden ''finally'' manages to find an ally in Estonia. Bad news is, Estonia is "losing literally all of its wars."
** "I've got bad news for you, Malthe. Which is, guess what helps me unwind after a really, really long day?" (''clicks [[HumanSacrifice "Execute"]]'') "That's right, it's ''murder!"''
** "This is just beautiful. So Sweden, yes, signs a relationship with Estonia, and two minutes later, Estonia has basically collapsed in two. So that's, that's wonderful, that's wonderful right there."
** "Okay, so the king is fascinated by horsehoes, that sounds like something the King of Sweden would bloody do, yes."
** As Jon fears, he's not the only pagan ransacking Ireland.
--->'''Jon:''' Um, excuse me! This is ''my'' piggy bank, actually! You don't just get to come here and raid this stuff! I've been raiding here for flipping ''decades'', at this point! Please get out! The bloody cheek of it...
** The episode takes a turn when Denmark takes advantage of Jon being out raiding to try to retake Skåne, but despite some nail-biters, with the help of his liege and allies, Jon's able to repel the invaders.
--->'''Jon:''' We've actually... we've won a war! I mean Sweden, specifically, just won a war! That feels ''weird''.

[[folder:''Imperator: Rome'']]
* Nine episodes into his ''VideoGame/ImperatorRome'' campaign, the [=YouTube=] comments are increasingly irritated that Jon's efforts to unite Greece under the Pan-Hellenic League [[FailedASpotCheck have overlooked one tiny, backwater province in the midst of his territory.]]
-->'''[=YouTube=] Comment:''' Troizen: [[Film/JurassicPark "The Achaeans can't see us if we don't move!"]]\\
'''Other Comment:''' Just a few more cities to become a major power, huh? If only there was a free city just lying around, waiting to be taken...\\
'''Another Comment:''' I'm convinced Jon is just [[TrollingCreator trolling us all by not taking Troizen.]] There is zero chance he hasn't seen all the comments about it.
* Episode 10 is of course "The Troizen Redemption," where Jon mentions the annoyed comments and proceeds to colonize Troizen in all of two and a half minutes.
-->'''Jon:''' Are you all happy now?
** The whole episode is nearly an hour long and involves two wars and major diplomatic developments, ending with an ominous hint about the future of the Hellenic League's government. The comment section of course is still fixated on Troizen.
* Also in Episode 10, Jon decides on a novel way of handling an uppity faction leader.
-->'''Jon:''' So, you just basically need to go and - ooh! Prison! Yes, ''that'' would work. [...] Screw it, congratulations, you're in prison right now. (''hits "Imprison" button'') [[SarcasmMode Oh no, we lost Stability, whatever shall we do-]] (''hits the "Sacrifice to the Gods" button'') oh I've stabbed a pig, so everything's fine now. So I don't ''really'' want to execute this guy, even though the Senate ''is'' on board with that. Instead, I would like nature to take its course. (''spams the "Flog" button'') So what we're gonna do, we're gonna give him a handful of floggings, alright. He's gonna receive some very brutal floggings. Right now his health is down to... yeah, 16.5%. One more flogging will get him down to 6.54%. And unfortunately, he's just losing health naturally, so if he just dies of [[TheCoronerDothProtestTooMuch "natural causes,"]] in a few months, not really my problem. Shame really, nothing we could do about it.
* In the middle of Episode 14, a pop-up informs Jon that his empire has taken a 70-year-old Arab man prisoner. Despite not being at war with any powers in the area.
-->'''Jon:''' Monthly legitimacy is going in the right direction, more and more tax- (''pop-up appears'') Apparently we... Who is that guy, and how and where did we capture him? Does anyone know where this guy came from? "The Arabian local power of..." Um? How did we capture this guy? So this guy's seventy-seven years old, suffering from dementia, and somehow we... captured him. (''beat'') I've decided that we're just going to let him go. Have fun doing whatever it is you were doing, wherever it was that we captured you.
* For the ''Imperator'' grand finale, Jon puts the Hellenic League's affairs in order before retiring the campaign, by building marketplaces, further weakening its remaining enemies, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick and securing the royal succession by marrying the Tyrant to his most competent sister.]] Said Tyrant goes on to get accidentally [[GroinAttack castrated]] in a medical mishap, but somehow still produces several more inbred offspring.
-->'''Jon:''' Did you just manage to produce a daughter, despite being castrated? Because bloody hell, that's impressive! Impressive sexual feats just run in the family.

[[folder:''Stellaris'']]
* Jon's first proper ''VideoGame/{{Stellaris}}'' campaign is as The Mighty Ducks of Duckburg ([[Franchise/DuckTales "Woo-oo"]]), the Fanatical Materialist, Pacifist inheritors of a flooded Earth in HumanitysWake. Their empire is called The Infinite Pond, "a pond that stretches out forever, with infinite breadcrumbs floating in the waves." Though the proper adjective is "Quackian," because constructing an adjective from The Infinite Pond "would be grossly offensive to our duck gods."
* One of the first things Jon does is rename his Science Ship from the ''QQ Escalate'' to the ''QQ Science [=McShipface=]'', since it after all will be the face of the empire during FirstContact.
* Jon's first colony can only support four Pops because it's choked by toxic kelp, but then he sees a huge, beautiful water world in the Phract system... which he can't settle because it has a primitive civilization on it, and his Pacifist ethos prevents him from changing his "Xeno Interference" policy to do more than observe or uplift primitives.
-->'''Jon:''' Sadly, my pacifist ways mean I can't just bomb a primitive people to have their bloody world for mine. Bloody hell! Ugh, ''fine''. You know what, whatever, we won't bomb you, I guess, [-you lucky gits...-]
* "Our guys can totally, totally, probably, totally take out these guys... yeah? Probably?"
* Jon gets distracted until it's too late to save his Science Ship from being destroyed by a pirate base's defenses, and in Part 3 goes on a RoaringRampageOfRevenge for the ''QQ Science [=McShipface=]''... except it was the ''QQ Pounce'' that was lost, and Jon only notices that his favorite ship is still around in Part 4, after he's been giving it orders for forty minutes.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' -Seeks revenge for destroying ''Science [=McShipFace=]''\\
-Kills pirates with big fleet\\
-Sends ''Science [=McShipFace=]'' to scan the debris\\
[[VisibleSilence ...]]
* "Well that's fine, we have got plenty of money, I feel like we've got loads of money right now, though maybe not ''that'' much money, ah, where's my Construction Ship right now? It should probably be ''doing'' something... my Construction Ship can't actually do anything right now, it can't afford to build anything, that's a bit of a shame but no worries..."
* "Ooh, hello? The Imperium of I Haven't Heard of You has declared war on someone I don't even know who they are! Big news! More at seven!"
* With a lack of habitable worlds to settle and other empires' borders hemming him in, Jon proves that pragmatism may trump his empire's pacifism as he takes a closer look at his neighbors.
-->'''Jon:''' How about you? "Unfriendly" and... they're weaker than us. Their fleet power is "Inferior." I'm not saying that we ''should'' declare war on them, just because they're weaker than us. [[DistinctionWithoutADifference But we really, really need a place to expand, and we're running out of options.]]
* "Wait, hang on a minute... where did the... was the... ''oh''. So, um, the reason the Lolehndrans are looking so strong is, um, I think they possibly just ate the Bilnocs, the religious fundamentalists who were over here, right? They've just gone a bit missing. Well, no mention of them. Yeah, I think they might be gone. Oh dear. Right. How are you guys feeling about us again? 'Actively hostile' and are superior to us. Hmm. Okay. Bit of a problem, here."
* Part 5 brings an interruption to Jon's war plans, because after looking through the systems in his borders to decide whether to research Arctic or Tundra World Colonization next, he notices something right next to The Brightest Quack.
-->'''Jon:''' Apparently, Sirius III is and always has been a massive oceanic world that's just... there, and I've even had a little research post around outside the whole time, and somehow I missed that this here was a flipping habitable world.
* He still plans on having a war of expansion, though, and he's going to be the good guy during it, since his target is a despotic dictatorship.
-->'''Jon:''' Basically, I'm going on a mission of ''liberation''. I'm liberating their people ''from'' them, 'cause they're clearly dicks. So the people will throw open their gates to us with open arms and everything will be lovely. And I? I have a plan for dealing with them.
* Just when Jon's about to declare war on the Ganlarev, his allies the Buhavilaa ask if he wants to join them during their own campaign of liberation. Jon happily agrees, and other than the Brightest Quack getting bombarded by an enemy fleet for a while, the war goes very well... and ends with the Buhavilaa getting one Ganlarev system and the rest being turned into puny single-world empires, while Jon gets absolutely nothing for his trouble.
-->'''Jon:''' I can't help but feel like the Buhavilaa did something very, very clever there, which is, they pretty much just moved in, and took over this world, and now they've pretty much blocked me off from ever getting to any of these. But I'm not really having that, to be honest.
* But once again, Jon's plans are derailed by the Buhavilaa wanting to liberate more worlds from a neighbor, so Jon gets to spend Part 7 doing all the heavy lifting during a long slog of a war, without gaining anything for his efforts.
-->'''Jon:''' So we've got some experience winning wars, ladies and gentlemen, now we just have got to get the spoils from them. Next time, we actually go in on a war of aggression that we're gonna start for ourselves, and we're not stopping until we have seized some planets off some other people.\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Putting the "fist" in "pacifist."\\
'''Another comment:''' ''Stellaris: Pacifist Run: Kill Everything Run.''
* In Part 8, Jon acknowledges comments that he hasn't been the most ''peaceful'' pacifist, and admits that he still plans on invading someone, "but it's going to be a pretty small war, so don't worry about it."
* "I'll do the Paradise Dome later, I just need to genetically-engineer the pacifism out of my species."
* Jon's disappointed that his new colonies aren't doing much for his empire's look on the world map.
-->'''Jon:''' I wouldn't mind having this whole area, just so my empire is a little more round. I know that probably shouldn't be my main concern when planning who to go to war with, but it is ''a'' concern.
* "Meanwhile, over here in Menchib, are you guys ready to go yet? ...[[FailedASpotCheck Oh, no, sorry, I've been clicking on the wrong world, I keep clicking on that world!]] This world's been ready to go for some time! I'm ''good'' at running space."
* In Part 9, Jon has to spend a moment cooing over a [[SpaceWhale Tiyanki pod]] wandering through his territory.
-->'''Jon:''' [[CutenessProximity Hello squid, I like you, I like space squid, they're nice.]] I wish we ''did'' have space squid - well, assuming they were, like, you know, wandering, eating bits of floating stuff and they actually didn't want to eat ''me''. Assuming ''that'' was the case, I would like space squid.
* And just a few minutes after that, Jon has to spend a moment cooing over his ''Delightful Bloodshed''-class battleship.
-->'''Jon:''' My god, look at it! Look at it, shiny and beautiful! Aw, when this thing appears in your sky, basically you know you are going to ''die.''
* Jon draws, but chooses not to pursue, the "Clone Armies" technology.
-->'''Jon:''' Maybe ''don't'' use a Clone Army. "A natural lifespan of less than a decade, a lack of personal initiative" - you ''say'' this, right up to the point where one of them goes asking "Do we have souls?" And then they go asking for "rights" and "not to be sent into the meatgrinder," no, we're going for Atmospheric Filtering.
* "Stone Age primitives - why can't they just hurry up and become spacefaring? Then I could do something ''fun'' with them."
* Jon's outraged when a separatist faction forms within his empire, planning to free a world from "imperial rule."
-->'''Jon:''' This isn't imperial rule, this is the iron fist of science! That's ''way'' better than imperial rule!
* After another look at his empire's policies, Jon (a pacifist) decides to switch from "Defensive Wars Only" to "Unrestricted Wars"
-->'''Jon:''' Good, change the war philosophy. This doesn't seem to cost anything, by the way- (''pop-up notification appears'') Oh. Um, the - oh dear. I may have just slightly annoyed our [Fanatical Pacifist] allies, here, by saying that unrestricted war is a good thing.
* Part 10, where Jon finally gets to launch his war of conquest, is of course labeled "New Pacifism."
* "I mean, [[DefiantToTheEnd this]] is bravery, this is bravery right here, that these guys have actually decided to stand and fight. It's also arguably [[SenselessSacrifice stupidity]], but it's ''kind'' of bravery..."
* Jon's still wary of the Pops of Post-The Mighty Ducks that resulted from him researching genetic engineering, and takes a moment to examine his options for dealing with them.
-->'''Jon:''' So this presumably therefore is what things like, you know, enslaving, resettling and purging is for. Though right now I kind of have a position against purging, but... ''if'' they became problematic, then potentially I could just purge all of these...
* Between Jon's aggressive policy positions alienating his citizens and the unhappiness coming from his newly-conquered world, he resorts to a Lythuric Manipulator structure to increase social conformity.
-->'''Jon:''' Because it pacifies people, I'm going to call it the "Pax gas," and it's definitely not going to - [[Film/{{Serenity}} what do you mean, Reavers?]]
* Jon is initially intimidated by an empire's skull emblem, then he [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD0SRUu0XQk&t=1323 takes a look at the species in question]] and [[CutenessProximity changes his mind about them mid-sentence.]]
* After finally building Observation Stations over the primitive cultures within his empire's borders, Jon decides to [[TechnologyUplift enlighten]] one of them, because "surely they'll become our friends, or if we ''don't'', then we can just, like, murder them or whatever."
* The unhappiness situation continues until a science lab on his latest conquest is damaged in an act of sabotage.
-->'''Jon:''' That is unfortunate indeed, and when I say "unfortunate," ''burn the bastards to the ground.'' Kill them all! I demand ''purges!''
* In Part 12, Jon decides that "if you can't find anyone around who wants to ''be'' friends, we're going to ''make'' friends" by declaring a War of Liberation to create some vassals. The conflict doesn't go terribly well at the start, though, as one of Jon's detachments gets overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and then his ground forces in their defenseless transports get ahead of his warships when moving toward an enemy fleet.
-->'''Jon:''' Right. So we just lost our entire army... um... What do we do now?
* Jon's pleased when his first effort at native enlightenment is completed, less so when he reads the terms of the treaty.
-->'''Jon:''' Did we just ''give them the system?!'' Why did we do that?!
* "Meanwhile, 1st Murder has not found anything over here, so let's go back to our original starting position and do this war better this time."
* Having lost his first ground invasion force, in Part 13 Jon re-thinks his position on Clone Armies.
-->'''Jon:''' This one I might have been pre-emptive on. It would actually be quite nice to have Clone Armies, 'cause our armies are, like, are actually not that good. [...] Let's get going, let's make some clones. There's ''no way'' it's gonna end badly, aside from when it does.
* "I don't know if this is a sensible thing to do. But like, once you've ''built'' the fleet, it doesn't feel like ''not'' using it has much point. You may as well use it. This was not a war of ''aggression'', this was a war of ''liberation.'' A slightly ''dubious'' liberation, but..."
* Jon eventually gets the hang of interstellar conflict and wins his war of liberation, reviving one of his former neighbors! Good?
-->'''Jon:''' We've actually created a new Bilnoc empire! That's brilliant! Wait, weren't the Bilnocs ''dicks'' who we hated? Well, I'm sure this is fine! I'm sure this is one hundred percent fine, we have got a new Bilnoc Conglomerate! Oh yeah! Oh that is just absolutely, one hundred percent perfect, I think, probably, hopefully.
* After the Ganlarev population on the world Jon annexed do nothing but cause trouble for him, he decides to grant them their independence, creating a "vassal" empire that actively hates him.
-->'''Jon:''' They're now independent, that means we're down to five our of five [directly-controlled systems], this area is now... (''cracking up'') I went to war to kind of go to war against these guys, and now I've just given them their independence, but I'm sure it will all work out. We gave it straight back again, we took it over and then we gave it straight back, I'm sure it will all work out just fine in the end.
* In Part 14, Jon is bothered that one sector of his empire is an enclave within the United Kithri Sovereignty, and so he starts "a very small war, with the Kithri, just for the sake of reunification, that's all."
* Jon's settled so many worlds that he's just started accepting the default colony names, "because I'm kind of running out of duck puns."
* "Apparently these guys are ''not'' very happy... oh, we're in an offensive war and you're pacifist, okay fine, that's a reasonable excuse."
* After a long, painful slog of a war, Jon tries to win over the population of his newly-annexed worlds.
-->'''Jon:''' Anyway, once again we will upgrade all your buildings for you. See, [[Film/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian the Romans, we've come in, we've brought roads, how can you possibly hate us when we've brought roads?]]
* The occupied planet-turned vassal-turned independent system on Jon's border still hates him, and the feeling is mutual, so he "liberates" them as a mini-empire that shares his ethics, and suddenly he has a neighbor who likes him so much they agree to become his protectorate.
-->'''Jon:''' I feel this is how UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush really hoped his Middle East invasions were going to go, that if you go in and stamp on them, then they immediately, magically get replaced by people who agree with you and want to be your friends. But it didn't actually go that way... but it does in ''Stellaris'', so that's lovely! Maybe George W. Bush enjoys playing ''Stellaris'', who knows?
* "So now, my Influence gain has actually jumped to +4 a month. +4 a month is fantastic! That means I can really start actually (''event pop-up'') 'Nationalist sabotage.' Well not ''everything''[='s=] gone to plan... You blew up the Paradise Dome?! I have to spend two Influence to repair that? You were supposed to be the ''happy'' lads, I didn't even realize I had a major problem with you. I should replace all of you with bloody robots, robots are ''always'' happy..."
* During the lull after his latest bit of New Pacifism, Jon takes stock of his military options and is baffled when he sees one of the available army types.
-->'''Jon:''' Also, I can clone... droids. (''beat'') I ''think'' you may have just slightly misunderstood how droids work, there. But apparently if I ''clone'' the droids, they get ''better'', because we genetically-improved the... droid. Y'know that, that makes perfect sense, yes, absolutely...
* Late in Part 15, Jon's scientists detect some sort of galactic energy surge, and then something called the Unbidden arrive south of his empire. Jon decides to send a construction ship over just to see what's going on, and...
-->'''Jon:''' Let's just kind of prepare ourselves, see what's going on here, and we have got ourselves...\\
'''VIR:''' Construction ship under attack.\\
'''Jon:''' I think it just got eviscerated before I could even see what was happening. That there is a good sign! And any chance there could be peace between us, terrifying beast from another dimension?\\
'''The Unbidden:''' [[Film/IndependenceDay Peace... no peace...]]\\
'''Jon:''' Well, make your mind up!
* Jon, who has 27k Fleet Power in his main doomstack, sends some expendable scouts into Unbidden territory and encounters three 40k Fleet Power stacks.
-->'''Jon:''' It kinda feels like... [[{{Understatement}} our fleet is going to struggle, ever so slightly.]]
* Jon knows from ''Franchise/MassEffect'' that he needs to unite the galaxy against the Unbidden, but unfortunately everyone else hates him because of the whole "New Pacifism" spree, and his neighbors have all been crippled by his wars against them, so they stand no chance against the Unbidden.
-->'''Jon:''' Possibly this is kind of my fault... I have learned a valuable lesson: when the lategame crisis shows up, well... if you went around waging wars and making your neighbors weak so you could be strong, it doesn't actually... help, that much, unfortunately.
* "I think the admiral died - no, the [empire] leader's dead. Maybe he committed suicide, because it was more honorable than accepting this utterly, utterly humiliating defeat."
* After spending the Grand Finale trying to FlingALightIntoTheFuture by settling The Last Quack, Jon builds up as best he can and tries one last desperate assault on the portal the Unbidden are entering through.
-->'''Jon:''' {{Death or glory|attack}}, lads! Death! Or! Glory! ...Y'know, in seventeen days, when the warp winds down. That slightly undermines the heroic narrative, though.
* The attack is ultimately a success, and Jon gets a pop-up announcing the Unbidden's defeat. Or at least, the portal's destruction.
-->'''Jon:''' "...the end of these invaders is finally in sight. A profound sense of elation has settled over most of the galaxy-" you ''say'' this, but how exactly are we going to stop what's already bloody here?!
* After extracting his fleet and getting it back to repair and rebuild, Jon announces an end to the series, because even though there's still a lot of Unbidden to be destroyed, "when you read the story of a thrilling hero who dived into the lion's den and snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, do you really ever want to hear how he mopped up the blood afterward?"

[[folder:''Stellaris: Utopia'']]
* His ''VideoGame/{{Stellaris}}: Utopia'' playthrough gets off to a rough start due to technical difficulties.
-->'''Jon:''' Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... (''screen changes to desktop'') balls.
* His Space Romans' first neighbor turns out to be a Fallen Empire made up of an innocuous-looking species. When the chat demands he declare war, Jon has to explain the situation.
-->'''Jon:''' [[https://stellaris.paradoxwikis.com/images/4/4b/Molluscoid_18.png This]] here, this is the face of DEATH. Okay? This is what my ''sudden death'' looks like. These are Holy Guardians, Fanatical Spiritualists with ''overwhelming'' power in their fleet, armies and technology levels. Their cities ''float''.
* Jon has to explain why his citizens joining the Pacifists faction isn't necessarily a good thing, even though he's trying to build a federation.
-->'''Claire:''' Wait, but didn't you want to be ''friends'' with everybody and have like-\\
'''Jon:''' Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't want to occasionally murder ''other'' people too! Too many pacifists in the empire is going to cause flippin' trouble. They're bloody trouble-makers. They're gonna want us to not wage wars and stuff.
* Throughout the stream, chat keeps demanding that Jon's Space Romans pursue [[BoldlyComing closer relations]] with their arthropod and Mighty Ducks neighbors, with the [[HashtagForLaughs hashtags]] #sexthebugs, #sextheducks, #[[CargoShip sexthe]][[GhostShip dreadnought]], etc. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kghoChJKclg&t=63 Things come to a head when the federation fleets assemble.]]
* Some Mighty Ducks immigrants settle an ocean world Jon names Pondpeii. Then an asteroid appears on a collision course with the planet, threatening it with a fiery cataclysm.
-->'''Claire:''' How... [[WhatDidYouExpectWhenYouNamedIt appropriate.]]
* After a series of liberation wars to expand his borders, Jon gets to belatedly build mining stations so he can properly exploit all his new territory.
-->'''Jon:''' Just build mining stations, everyone build mining stations everywhere, because I kind of forgot mining stations were a thing, I forgot the empire expanded. Which it did-\\
'''Claire:''' (''disapproving sigh'')\\
'''Jon:''' -quite significantly, that is not my fault! That is ''not'' my fault, the empire expanded while I wasn't-\\
'''Claire:''' How? How is it not your fault?\\
'''Jon:''' I wasn't looking!
* Jon gets spooked when a Fallen Empire declares war on a younger star nation, and isn't much reassured when chat explains that this isn't the same as it properly becoming an Awakened Empire.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, they haven't woken up properly, but they're starting to stir. The alarm clock's gone off, and basically they've decided to destroy that alarm clock, but, they might hopefully hit the snooze button afterward. Basically, we're praying that they're going to hit the snooze button.
* Jon insists that unlike other empires, he's ''not'' enslaving the galaxy.
-->'''Jon:''' ''Vassalage'', it's vassalage.\\
'''Claire:''' Oh, I see.\\
'''Jon:''' Remember, the people we're bringing into ''our'' empire kind of actually specifically came to us saying "Please, for the love of God, [[VoluntaryVassal we want to be your vassal]], please enslave us. Here are our wrists, they don't feel heavy enough right now."
* Jon's ''really'' pumped about putting Xeno Zoo structures on planets with the "Alien Pets" tile resource.
-->'''Jon:''' Xe-no Zoo! Xe-no Zoo! Xe-no Zoo!\\
'''Claire:''' I mean, are you ''sure'' you couldn't maybe prioritize something else-\\
'''Jon:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Xe. No. Zoo.]]
* "You know that empire we bombed into the Stone Age and went and took half their empire off them? They've become more xenophobic. Yeah, I feel like in some ways we might have been responsible for that..."
* Jon's plan for his new ground army is to use cloning technology to splice [[TeamPet Tabby]] with a MushroomMan, creating legions of "the most terrifying creature in the universe."
-->'''Jon:''' They shall go down onto the planet, and roll over and pretend they're super-cute and want them to tickle their tummy, and then the people on the planet will go to tickle their tummy and then YAH! Then out come the claws! And also the mushrooms! 'cause God only knows what madness we've created here. Oh God, Claire, science has gone too far!\\
'''Claire:''' IWarnedYou!
* A call from the Riggan Commerce Exchange has Jon [[CutenessProximity cooing and laughing]] at [[https://stellaris.paradoxwikis.com/images/d/d6/Molluscoid_17.png the species]] that greets him.
-->'''Claire:''' Their leader's like, "You're being really insensitive right now-"\\
'''Jon:''' "We're not cute, we're terrifying. I'm a serious businessman."
* Jon thinks a newly-formed sector of systems [[ThatCloudLooksLike looks like]] an inverted foot. Claire thinks it looks like... [[FreudWasRight something else.]]
-->'''Jon:''' Based on what just happened, I think we've got absolutely no choice but to rename the Klaht Sector the [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Foot Penis Sector]] and assign it a leader. Ideally the one who looks the most like - okay, [[UnfortunateCharacterDesign that guy looks a bit like a penis.]]
* Jon's helpless army transports manage to get into trouble by outpacing their escorts.
-->'''Jon:''' Remember how we cloned Tabby an awful, awful lot and then sent them into a warzone and I promised you everything was going to be fine?\\
'''Claire:''' Is she ''alone in a warzone'', Jon?\\
'''Jon:''' She's not alone, because we cloned her many times!
* Jon's able to use [[BlindJump emergency FTL]] to get the Tabbies out, but Claire isn't reassured.
-->'''Claire:''' ''[[GenreBlind Have you not read ANY science fiction?!]] She's dead! She's dead, she's [[TeleFrag embedded in a piece of mountain somewhere]]!''\\
'''Jon:''' We don't-\\
'''Claire:''' What kind of a noob are you?!\\
'''Jon:''' It was our only option! So Tabby is ''somewhere''-\\
'''Claire:''' You cannot ''[[Literature/DragonridersOfPern go between]]'' without a point of reference!\\
'''Jon:''' Tabby is ''somewhere'', Tabby is somewhere in the galaxy-\\
'''Claire:''' This flies in the face of ''fifty years of science fiction history!''\\
'''Jon:''' According to our scientists, she ''may'' show up in about five months.
* Claire asks Jon if he wants to give a RousingSpeech as he prepares to join the War in Heaven.
-->'''Jon:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!]]
* Adding more systems to the Foot Penis Sector changes its borders enough that Jon has to rename it the Foot [[ExoticEquipment Alien Penis Sector.]]
* Jon's opinion of a subterranean civilization beneath one of his colonies takes a turn for the worse when he's not even given the option to turn down their demand that he return some refugees escaping religious persecution. This is followed by a request for aid during a "famine" that takes the form of energy credits rather than food, a gift of minerals that presumably came from a work camp, and finally a request for advanced military technology. Jon goes along with all of it, but isn't happy about the consequences.
-->'''Jon:''' ''I've just given away thirty percent of the entire empire's Engineering capabilities for ten years in order to arm genocidal maniacs!''\\
'''Claire:''' Well done, Jon!\\
'''Jon:''' Why didn't you stop me?!\\
'''Claire:''' I ''tried!''
* To provoke the Holy Guardian Snails into attacking, Jon settles one of their [[HolyGround holy planets]], names the colony [[PunnyName Escargone]], and renames the star system Salty.
* ''Stellaris'' is a game where a mis-click can have lasting, severe consequences.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh ''shit''. I meant to turn the Population Controls ''off'', but I turned them ''on''.\\
'''Claire:''' Did you do the same thing where you were like "Oh, they'll have rights to go into - wait, no, we'll have to wait ten years-"\\
'''Jon:''' No, this is ''worse'', this is - last time I just said "you can't join senior ranks of the army," now I've said "you can't have sex. For ten years."\\
'''Claire:''' ''Ten years, Jon?!''\\
'''Jon:''' ''I didn't mean to do that!''\\
'''Claire:''' And you can't change it-\\
'''Jon:''' ''I can't change it back!'' I can in ten years!\\
'''Claire:''' Flip's sake, Jon...\\
'''Jon:''' What I'm going to do ''immediately'' is I'm going to start building defensive armies, because I think that's going to cause problems...
* Jon isn't impressed with a species of pre-sentients he could uplift because of their Gaia World Preference.
-->'''Jon:''' These guys I honestly feel like we should basically move in and eradicate them... we probably ''shouldn't'' because we're like, you know, xenophiles or something, but... you know.
* Jon misplaces his transports so that his army of clone Tabbies gets torn apart by an enemy fleet, and begs his viewers not to tell Claire while she's away from the stream. Apparently she got something like 14 messages from fans snitching on Jon.
* In honor of the sacrfice of the dreadnought ''Benor'', Jon names a newly-conquered planet after it/him.
-->'''Jon:''' He actually died literally over here, fighting for our freedom. And when I say "fighting for our freedom," I mean, like, not really for our freedom, because we - actually, we didn't start this war, we got pulled into it by an idiot ally. But like ''kind of'', ''kind of'' our freedom. He ''kind of'' died for our freedom.
* Jon selects the "Total Victory" war goal when attacking one of the Awakened Empires, and is shocked to find afterward that the defeated empire's planets are now completely empty.
-->'''Jon:''' ...Okay, everyone's ''dead''. I think I killed literally ''everyone'', there's, like... we didn't ''show'' it, but I guess the implication is we basically ''murdered'' everyone.
* He's later delighted to see some of the Awakened Empire's species on one of his Tomb Worlds.
-->'''Jon:''' ''Yes!'' It's ''not'' genocide! Not geno-cide! Not geno-cide! It's ''just'' "endangered species!" ''Really'' endangered! [...] At worst, at ''worst'', it's ''attempted'' genocide!\\
'''Stream Chat Comment:''' No longer will you be remembered as history's greatest monster [[ExactWords for curtailing the reproductive rights of snails.]]
* When Claire returns for the next stream, Jon assures her that the army of Tabby clones [[DogGotSentToAFarm went off to a farm planet]] with no space phones, but they're really happy "'cause there's no loud noises [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial and they don't explode."]]
* After a sad story from one viewer about their dead dog, Jon offers to name planets after stream viewers' lost pets. He gets a larger response than expected.
-->'''Claire:''' Ah, yeah, and just so you know, we've got planets Agatha, Zorro and Otis-\\
'''Jon:''' We're running out of planets.\\
'''Claire:''' You ''asked'' them! Everybody loves their dogs!\\
'''Jon:''' ''I didn't assume that many dogs would be dead!'' I assumed ''less'' dogs would be dead, I didn't-\\
'''Claire:''' ''Fewer!''\\
'''Jon:''' -I had an optimistic - now is not the time to be grammatically-correct, Claire! We've got dead dogs, you monster!
* One of the federation ships [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CALyVy3Orvo&t=212 is being driven by Claire.]]
* The finale of the playthrough has his Space Romans-led federation assembling to counterattack the Unbidden invasion. Before the first battle Jon has a heartwarming RousingSpeech where he points out how all the races of the galaxy have come together to defend it, even the ones his empire has bad history with. And then, just before the second battle, one of his federation allies wins the pointless war against an innocent rump state he started solely to get his federation mobilized and following his main fleet, resulting in everyone else ditching his force to go home. His pre-battle speech when he's forced to solo the endgame crisis is quite different.
-->'''Jon:''' I've got a new speech to make: Romans! About, maybe, a month or two ago, I gave a big speech about how the galaxy was all united together against the threat of the Unbidden. Well everyone else ''pissed off'', um, because the fake war I set up in order to actually force everyone, to kind of trick them into fighting together, ah, that was actually won, accidentally, because the ''bloody Kheilzakkans'' with their stupid tentacles - yeah, the tentacle-heads, we'll call them the tentacle-heads from now on - yeah, ''I said it'', I said tentacle-heads - they just ''won'' the war, and everyone pissed off because they can't be bothered to fight the extradimensional invaders. So I guess we're just gonna have to win this war ''by ourselves''. Because Rome doesn't need friends! Screw xenophilia! Screw all the stuff I was saying in the previous speech! Now we're just going to go win by ourselves! So let's just go and do that, because in the end, you cannot trust the faithless xeno. Let that be the rallying cry across our empire! ''You can't trust the faithless cocking xeno!''
* Then he has to make a ''third'' speech after noticing, despite his xenophobic rant, that his grand fleet has an alien admiral, and his scientists and governors all belong to various other species.
-->'''Jon:''' Space Rome may stand alone here today, the other empires may not have show up, but Space Rome itself is a huge, massive, multicultural society featuring every type of robot, person, plant, fungoid, mollusc, bird, mammal... [-are birds mammals?-]\\
'''Claire:''' [-No!-]\\
'''Jon:''' [-Are you sure?-] AND mushrooms! Let us never forget the mushrooms!

[[folder:''Stellaris: Apocalypse'']]
* Jon's ''Stellaris: Apocalypse'' empire is the Tenets of Tabby, a spiritualist-egalitarian-xenophile star nation with the Syncretic Evolution civic. So the dominant race are feline Tabbies, wise but sedentary, served by human quote-unquote helpers, who "produce food so that Tabby can eat, and money so that Tabby can have the things she needs, which basically summarizes my and Claire's relationship with Tabby."
-->'''Jon:''' They don't, you know, get paid, and they have to work in the mines, ah, or they'll get whipped by the Tabbies-\\
'''Claire:''' They're ''happy'' to work in the mines. The Tabbies don't ''have'' to do any whipping.\\
'''Jon:''' ''Exactly.'' They do occasionally scratch, a little bit.\\
'''Claire:''' They ''bat'', without claws.\\
'''Jon:''' They occasionally forget they had their claws out.
* When the campaign properly starts, it turns out Jon's first neighbors are potentially problematic.
-->'''Jon:''' Hello, who exactly are... they've got "Destroyers" in the name. That is ''never'' a good sign. Fanatical purifying plants. "Quake in fear, alien scum, for your doom approaches..." I'm going to tell them that "love is friendship set to music."
* "I probably shouldn't annoy them... I think I need to, yeah, neighboring empires, as soon as I'm neighboring, I can declare them Rivals, which means bonus Influence, which I can use to potentially out-expand them, which could be useful, and I'm not sure they can declare me Rivals in return because they don't do diplomacy, also, ''I'm scared of a cocking cabbage."''
* Jon's baffled when his empire's first election somehow results in a non-citizen becoming leader of the Tenets of Tabby.
-->'''Jon:''' I tried to bar humans from holding high office and one's become the cocking ''cat-pope.'' The ''pontifex feles'' is a ''human''. Something's gone horribly wrong here!
* "They're slightly terrifying, ugly, bearded bird people - oh wait, sorry, [[IsThisThingStillOn the mic was on?]] Uh oh."
* Between the Fanatical Purifying cabbages and a distant race of Slaving Despot cactus people, Jon can only conclude that "plants are ''dicks."'' He's also tickled when it turns out the cabbage leader has picked up the "Substance Abuser" trait.
-->'''Jon:''' I suppose that raises the question, what substance? I mean logically, do plants [[RussianReversal grind up little bits of humans]] and smoke them? Could that be a thing?
* Jon decides the cabbages need to go, but doesn't raise any armies during his build-up to war, and doesn't notice his empire's energy deficit while preparing. So as soon as hostilities are initiated, he has to go begging his allies for assistance.
-->'''Jon:''' Hello, so, that war we just started, um, I desperately need energy, otherwise I can't actually continue it. Any chance we can do a trade?\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Did Jon just start an invasion with 0 energy and no armies? I'm not surprised, yet I am disappointed.
* The [[FailedASpotCheck "-1 Perception"]] strikes again when Jon decides he doesn't want to pen in his neighbor with an outpost claiming a star system for his empire, completely fails to see the "Dismantle" button next to his cursor, and ends up selling the system for significantly less than the cost of building the outpost in the first place.
* "So remember that direction we were expanding in toward the south? Um, the XT-489 Eliminators empire has just been in touch. I'm gonna guess, they don't want to say 'Hello, we are friendly can-openers, do you have any cans that need opening?' ...No. No, it turns out they're a Rogue Defense System of terrifying robot angel murder-demons. 'Organic vermin detected, your infestation of this galaxy cannot be allowed to continue.' Love is friendship set to music, XT-489!"
* As Jon meets more empires on the far side of the galaxy, he comes to an unfortunate conclusion:
-->'''Jon:''' Our once-utopian dream, that everyone could all be nice, and get on with each other, and not, like, murder each other, has unfortunately gone wrong. Because we've realized that the galaxy has a south, and the south is full of ''dicks''. Horrible, horrible dicks, and killbots, and slavers, and generally bad people.
* Then problems arise close to home, where Jon turning down repeated requests to join a war with a neighbor he signed a defensive pact with utterly destroys their relationship, turning them hostile.
-->'''Jon:''' Have you guys calmed down, by the way? How are you guys doing, because you ought to calm d- (''reads tooltip'') It's gonna take... ''two hundred and forty-eight years'' for them to ''get over'' this. Or rather, just to get back to zero, it's going to take a hundred and seventy-seven years. Great, just great. Just because the game kind of bugged out and they kept sending me the same request over and over - basically, they ''spammed'' me, and they're annoyed that I put it in the "junk" folder, alright, that's what we're probably going to end up going to war over, the fact that I marked their mail as ''spam''.
* In response, Jon makes plans for violent expansion, and soon the galactic north settles into two allied blocs with claims on each other's territory, waiting for a truce to expire so war can begin.
-->'''Jon:''' Basically, I'm talking about triggering a massive war across the entire north of the galaxy, out of some vague desire to hold a small cluster of largely-unimportant mining systems, but screw it, that sounds kind of fun!
* Jon gets annoyed when he has to reposition his fleets due to pirates overwhelming a starbase he thought would be strong enough to repel them.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' It's almost as if it would have been a better idea to spec your big main border fortress into something with a lot of guns and defences, as opposed to essentially a giant shipyard.
* "The Spectral Wraith is dangerously close to our territory right now, but it's just wandering away, doesn't appear to be attacking us..." (''zooms in camera'') "It's just a giant, space, jellyfish, octopus, thing and it generally makes my skin crawl and I don't want to look at it anymore."
* Jon tells an occupied starbase in the midst of enemy territory to build defensive platforms, "not because it's really strategically useful, but because it's funny."
* Jon has to break his defensive pact with the rhino-turtles because he doesn't want to get drawn into a war, but still wants to maintain good relations with them... or does he?
-->'''Jon:''' I'm happy to form a non-aggression pact with you, alright, I'm not interested in war with you guys anytime imminently - [-well, maybe I am...-] Hmmm. ''Hmmm''. ''Am'' I interested in war with them?
* Battleships are important, because they lead to Titans, which in turn leads to the Colossus Project...
-->'''Jon:''' ...and I want the Colossus Project, dammit. 'cause let's just say, some of these worlds down here, I don't really want them. I'd like them to not ''be'' there, but I don't want to bother managing them myself. So! Just in theory, if they were to ''explode'' from some form of planet-cracker, that no one could ever prove was sent by me, [[LeaveNoWitnesses 'cause there'd be no witnesses left,]] that could work! That could work nicely!
* Jon doesn't immediately accept an invitation to a federation, since he's not done conquering, plus he might want to form his own federation, [[WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}} "with blackjack, and starfish hookers."]]
* A Great Khan arises to change the course of galactic history, but Jon can't read the Khan's introduction without snickering about the [[InherentlyFunnyWords Slerpanor]] Horde.
* When choosing which candidate to pick as his army's general, the deciding factor for Jon is that "I like the fact that you're a cactus, like that strikes me as a good guy to lead from the front, a cactus."
* Jon starts salivating over some juicy unclaimed systems to the galactic west, with a Gateway he could reactivate to link them to his core territory, but remembers something.
-->'''Jon:''' So I'm thinking, my empire's going to start spreading out - wait, hang on. Jon. Remember how we were just talking about the Great Khan, the massive, massive Great Khan army, that's ''clearly expanding'' in that direc- okay. We'll have to revisit whether that's a good idea or not.
* "And the dicks have become Xenophobic. Well [[SarcasmMode what a surprise]], xenophobic slavers in [[WrongSideOfTheTracks the south of the galaxy]], who would have guessed?"
* As his rivals fragment and his empire continues to grow, burgeoning federations get very friendly toward the Tenets of Tabby.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh my goodness, it's like being the hottest girl in high school. Suddenly, everyone is begging me to join their league. Nonononono, I'm playing the field boys, I'll get to you later tonight, chill out.
* Activating one of his Gateways will be hugely expensive, and of negligible tactical benefit.
-->'''Jon:''' But on the other hand, [[RuleOfCool it's so badass, how could I flipping not?]] Let's quickly get this thing working again, and ooooooh... it's a bit like a [[Franchise/MassEffect mass relay]] but not~
* Since Jon decides to attack the rhino-turtles while they're busy invading the neighboring ducks, Jon finds himself also declaring war on the ducks just so he can fight the rhino-turtles occupying duck space.
* Once the war on the western side of his empire is wrapped up, Jon starts putting down claims against the molluscoids to his east.
-->'''Jon:''' So that's a good bunch of claims in immediately, but because of the claims, they're going to start hating us more - (''opens diplomacy screen'') - yeah, they're actively Hostile. "Tabby people emit an aura of unpleasantness," aww, that's not true! Aww, I feel bad I let down my starfish friends, but I kind of want all their territory and their megastructure for my own.
* "Right, time to get this done... aww, you're so cute and I'm so sorry about this. [...] 'How can you hope to defeat us when the Spirits themselves are on our side?' Look, I'm Spiritualist too - oh, this is a religious war. That's a concern."
* It's only after he's occupied a dozen systems that Jon remembers that he left his transport fleet, and the armies necessary to conquer the inhabited ''planets'' in those system, on the other side of his empire.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay... so my transport fleet's over there. So, it shouldn't be over there, the transport fleet should instead be over here, let's just bring the transports- It's fine. Everything's fine because it's got Hyperdrive III, alright? It's not as slow as you think it's going to be.
* "I'd say that's enough for now, we will wrap up the first stage of the war against those bastard, treacherous starfish that did whatever it was they did to cause me to betray them..."
* In the wake of his latest round of warmongering, the other star nations of the galaxy begin signing non-aggression pacts with one another, while the starfish people manage to bring the Space Romans into their federation.
-->'''Jon:''' Why is everyone like ''I'm'' the galaxy's bad guy right now? Just because I invaded the adorable starfish people worlds?\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon: Invades adorable starfish without provocation in an otherwise calm and peaceful part of the galaxy for massive territory gain. Also Jon: "Why is everyone afraid of me??"
* Highlights of another land-grab war against the rhino-turtles include Jon neglecting to hire an admiral for one of his fleets, letting his transports and science ships get ahead of his armada, and him "invading" a planet he'd already taken and occupied. The kicker is that the whole conflict was a failed attempt to get close enough to some Evangelizing Zealots that they'd want to form a federation with him, except the Tabbies had an enclave on their borders before the start of the war.
* At the start of the next episode, Jon's interrupted by the Fafossan Hegemony declaring war on the Polity of Hullfax, which prompts a change of plans.
-->'''Jon:''' Actually, ''I'' was about to attack them. Oh flip, can I not demand... ''balls''. Right, so I just missed my chance, because I was doing the intro, to actually flipping vassalize those guys, because now they're no longer at peace. So that's just marvelous. Right, well, I guess that means I'm going up against the federation sooner than I was planning.
* In the war that follows, Jon makes the tactically questionable decision to send his unarmed troop transports into an unsecured system.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, ''mild'' miscalculation on my part, I kinda forgot about the fact that there's [defensive] platforms in the way, yes, okay. It's fine, everything's under control, I know what I'm doing [-probably-].
* One of Jon's former empires has a rough run this time around, so that at one point the Mighty Ducks have [[BalkanizeMe fractured]] into the Infinite Pond, the Mighty Ducks Confederation, the High Kingdom of Duckburg, the Mighty Ducks Alliance, United The Mighty Ducks Nations, and Unified The Mighty Ducks Worlds.
* The killbots send an insult mocking the Tabbies for lacking "integrated multi-spanners or pneumatic flesh lacerators" on their appendages.
-->'''Jon:''' Actually, Tabby does have automatic flesh lacerators, they're called ''claws'' and they're quite effective when she decides she doesn't want to be petted.
* Part 19 is titled "The Betrayal" because, after Jon's spent much of the game trying to form a federation with the Raxar, they instead form one with Jon's old enemies the Othari, who vote down any attempt for him to join too. When Jon tries to "love-bomb" the Othari with favorable trade deals, he has a distressing realization.
-->'''Jon:''' Why didn't I just do this to the Raxar?! I could have just love-bombed the Raxar with gifts ''this whole time!'' I could have done that at ''any'' point! Oh ''god''... okay.\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' And thus, Jon realized that diplomacy (beyond invading and eating up territory and vassals) is a thing in ''Stellaris.''
* Jon starts the next episode heartbroken that everyone's forming federations, but "no one wants to go to the prom with me, so that's all a bit embarrassing. I was supposed to go to prom with the Raxar, but ''they'' bloody asked out Susan Othari over here! I ''hate'' Susan Othari, and she hates me!" Fortunately [[{{Yandere}} he]] has a plan: [[MurderTheHypotenuse conquer the Othari]] so that the Raxar's federation dissolves, leaving them free to go to prom with - er, form a federation with him instead.
* After declaring war on the Othari and by extension the Raxar, Jon points out that the Raxar aren't as mad as they could be in the situation.
-->'''Jon:''' I think this plan might actually flipping work! Alright, this is not as stupid a plan as you probably think it is. It's a ''bit'' stupid, but it's not that bad.
* Unfortunately, Jon is outraged when the newly-single Raxar immediately "jump into bed with" one of the Mighty Ducks successor states with federation association status.
* Jon still wants a Colossus, but he doesn't immediately take the Ascension Perk to unlock them.
-->'''Jon:''' I'm trying to pretend to the Raxar I'm nice, until I can get them locked into marriage, then I can reveal I had a Death Star all along.
* While looking for Gateways to add to his burgeoning portal network, Jon spots one within the Fafossan Hegemony.
-->'''Jon:''' Now, ''technically'', I've got no argument with them, and I never have. ''But'', they do have a thing I want, like, ''really'' want. So does that make it theoretically ''okay'' for me to go and ''murder'' them for it? (''checks diplomacy'') Who are they in a defensive - oh. They're in a defensive pact with ''me''. And they're also actually pretty much the only empire I'm friends with.
* Jon notices he's automatically dissembling the killbots he's finishing off, but assures us with the episode title that it's "Technically Not Genocide."
-->'''Jon:''' Disassembly is ''not'' genocide. No matter what the robots tell you, okay, self-determination is just a malfunction, alright?
* "Is it weird or wrong or cruel to make a plant creature do the farming?"
* Jon showers the Raxar with minerals, sensor links and research agreements to try to get their attitude towards Neutral at least, so that all he needs to do is reduce his Threat rating to make them like him. Then he looks at his other neighbors and plans the order in which to conquer them.
* Thanks to the Stellarite Devourer's post-defeat research project, Jon's able to claim a system with a whopping seven habitable worlds. Unfortunately the first one he settles turns out to have the "Abandoned Terraforming Equipment" planet event, and he gets the result that turns the atmosphere toxic, killing the burgeoning colony. By the next episode the planet's renamed MoveAlongNothingToSeeHere.
* Jon decides to reduce the Threat he's creating in his neighbor's eyes by, rather than outright conquering his neighbors, forcing them to become his vassals instead. Afterward, he discovers that yes, you still generate Threat by vassalizing unwilling empires, and the Raxar now hate him enough to break off their newly-signed non-aggression pact.
-->'''Jon:''' This is not war, this is ''liberation!'' That's the word, I'm liberating you!\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon is one Texan accent away from being UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush.
* Jon checks the victory conditions and finds that he's 2/3rds of the way to a Domination Victory, even though he was hoping for a Federation Victory.
-->'''Jon:''' I mean, I don't really ''want'' to, like, dominate the galaxy, that's not really what we set out to do. That's not what we're really about, we're xenophiles, we're spiritualist xenophiles, it's about peace and friendship and understanding ''and stop looking at me funny or I WILL invade you!''
* Jon decides to launch a blitzkrieg on a nearby Fallen Empire to steal their worlds and technology, which is sure to catch them by surprise.
-->'''Jon:''' They won't see this coming, in fact they ''like'' me, they think I'm great! "The Tenets of Tabby is always a great contributor to the magnificent medley of the galaxy." (''beat'') These are literally the only guys in the galaxy that like me, aren't they? [[MadeMyselfSad ...Oh. I feel bad.]] (''beat'') Not bad enough to not invade and enslave- no, ''not enslave!'' There's no enslavement! We're going to ''integrate'' them! ''Integrate''. It's going to be lovely.
* Jon is dubious of a merchant guild's "Mutagen Crystals," but likes the sound of increased governing ethics attraction. [[FailedASpotCheck Then he hits the "No deal" response instead of accepting the trade.]]
* When the materialist Fallen Empire decides to Awaken, Jon envisions a scenario in which the Spiritualist Fallen Empire does the same to start a War in Heaven, and then he and the also-Spiritualist Raxar side with the Doctrinal Enforcers.
-->'''Jon:''' This could be how we get the Raxar to the prom. In a kind of {{shotgun wedding}} where both of us are ''forced'' to go to prom by our Spiritualist hydra-dad.
* By "A Prom Date With Destiny," Jon has to admit that him and the Raxar aren't likely to happen, and decides that he's done trying to woo his fellow Spiritualists. Then the Raxar join another federation.
-->'''Jon:''' ''They just joined up with the Romans!'' That's... okay! I, I know I just said I was cool with the fact that I'm not going to the prom with them, but they can't go with the ''Romans!'' The Romans are kind of like my ex from my former playthrough... okay that's, that not acceptable, that's... oh ''no'', that's ''not cool'', aww... [-And also, could you guys please be different colors, it's kind of annoying you're-]- right, so remember how we went and killed the Othari to break the Raxar out of a federation at one point? [[HereWeGoAgain I think we might have to go and do that again.]]
* When managing his newly-conquered worlds, Jon's horrified to discover that a planet's previous owner built a fortress over a tile with the Alien Pets rare resource.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, I am truly your liberator, 'cause I have come in, and I have liberated the Alien Pets. So seriously, I've done you all a favor, you're welcome.
* Despite everything, Jon ends the episode musing that there might be a way for him and the Raxar to patch things up.
-->'''Jon:''' Maybe there's a way back for me and the Raxar. Maybe it doesn't have to end with me building a Death Star and murdering all of them on prom night. I don't know. [[{{Foreshadowing}} "Prom night" might, y'know, come to have a much darker meaning as time goes by...]]
* When the War in Heaven finally kicks off, Jon sides with one of the Awakened Empires, but the Raxar end up leading the League of Non-Aligned Systems.
-->'''Jon:''' You know, seeing all this happen, it actually, genuinely makes me quite sad. Like, me and the Raxar could have been friends. If I had been in a federation with the Raxar, me and them could have led the League of Non-Aligned Systems together. We could have ''saved'' the galaxy. We could have just absolutely smacked down the Grollferp. We could have utterly laid the smackdown on the Athallids, alright? It would have been easy. But ''no!'' You had to want to go to prom with literally ''everybody but me!'' And ''this'' is what happens! Now you're ''dead!''
* Jon gets sad when he invades the Brightest Quack, and gives a forlorn little [[WesternAnimation/DuckTales "woo-oo"]] when his fleet arrives over Duckburg.
-->'''Jon:''' And this is gonna be the end - I'm so sorry. Guys, when I started this playthrough, I had dreams of like running into my previous playthroughs, and all of us joining the same mega-alliance and stuff. But it hasn't really worked out that way...
* Jon's a little wary when he breaches the Shroud and encounters something called the Composer of Strands, offering a [[DealWithTheDevil pact]] to improve his population, with the warning that there will be an unspecified price to pay.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay... what's the- ''eh, screw it, go on!''
* After the completion of the ''Pax Tabitha'', his ''Tabby's Claw''-class Colossus, Jon decides to test his new planet-cracker on a world held by the [[MushroomMan Provalguvor]].
-->'''Jon:''' I mean, who is actually going to care if I fire a Death Star at some mushrooms? They're mushrooms, we eat them with pasta, it's fine.
* "Um, yeah, Rome? So, good news and bad news. Uh, the good news is, I'm actually about the resettle Rome itself and the eternal fire will be relit. Bad news is, you're not actually going to be around to, um, to see it..."
* The first planet Jon cracked was inhabited by nothing but a single Pop of Droids, and he actually passes on the chance to destroy another Provalguvor world because it's completely undeveloped "and that would make me look like the bad guys." His next target turns out to be fully-populated, well-developed planet, and he admits that it's a "bit of a harder sell."
-->'''Jon:''' But again, we fall back on the story: they're just mushrooms. Are mushrooms really people? No! Of course not, they're ''mushrooms'', they're delicious with garlic.\\
(''[[EarthShatteringKaboom KABOOM]]'')\\
'''Jon:''' Ahh, that's right, ''that's'' right, just slap some garlic on 'em and put 'em on the grill, flipping delicious as an appetizer. Ahh, yum yum yum.
* The climax of the episode, and perhaps the whole series, is when Jon's fleet arrives over the Raxar capital.
-->'''Jon:''' Guys... it's [[DeadlyEuphemism prom night]]. We could have been wonderful together, Raxar. We could have been ''amazing''. We could have been a federation that saved and ruled the galaxy, fairly, as Spiritualist Xenophiles, but no. No, you just weren't willing to, were you? You had to be all "Oh, I don't like the fact that you invade everyone, constantly!" Well, ''this'' is what happens when you complain about me invading everyone, what happens is, I send the cocking ''Death Star'' in!\\
(''[[EarthShatteringKaboom KABOOM]]'')\\
'''Jon:''' (''happy sigh'') [[BondOneLiner It's been a good prom...]]
* One [=YouTuber=] comments that "Only Jon could take a [[FourX 4X strategy game]] in space and make it a {{dating sim}}."
* Jon's irritated that he's fighting on the side of the rhino-turtles and, due to the claims system, conquering systems for them. So he makes sure to use the planet-cracker on any habitable worlds in those systems, leaving the rhino-turtles with nothing but space and stations.
* When the Raxar are down to their last planet, Jon feels a moment of disquiet.
-->'''Jon:''' I'm feeling a slight sensation of ''guilt'' right now, because I did, slightly, Death Star their homeworld and all of that. And maybe... maybe I didn't ''need'' to do that. ''Maybe'', in fact, I could have, like, ''not'' done that, and been friends with them, like when they wanted to be originally. Maybe, like, when I was bombarding like literally this entire side of the galaxy, I could have... not done that? And then maybe they would have come 'round. And if I gave them some nice [[AttentionDeficitOohShiny why do I have a Tomb World?]]
* Since Jon's advancing his borders along the galaxy's edges, he decides it looks like his empire is giving the galaxy "a great big hug."
-->'''Jon:''' If you wanted a ''less'' friendly analogy, as my symbol is literally a claw, you could say I've got my claws kind of dug into the galaxy, but I prefer the hug analogy.
* Planet-crackers plus [[FailedASpotCheck "-1 Perception"]] equals Jon taking ten minutes to realize that he hasn't conquered a system yet because...
-->'''Jon:''' ''We blew up the wrong planet!'' (''hysterical laughter'') ''I blew up the wrong world! I blew up that one and that's...'' [...] Okay, Rule #1 of having a Death Star: before you fire it, make sure you're aiming it at a planet you ''actually'' want to destroy, and not the planet next door.
* When Jon cracks the last Raxar planet, he realizes the optics aren't good.
-->'''Jon:''' That's, that's Death Star genocide. That's gonna be a hard sell for the PR guys... that's ''really'' gonna be a hard sell...
* In the aftermath of the War in Heaven, Jon checks the other empires' diplomatic modifiers towards him and has an unwelcome realization:
-->'''Jon:''' Strangely, some of these guys would actually, potentially be coming around to like me if I ''didn't'' have a Death Star. Some of these guys are like -400 but I've got a -495 off the Death Star, so... if I'd never ''built'' the Death Star, some of these guys would actually want to be my friends. I feel like there's a moral message in here, [[IgnoredEpiphany but I can't quite figure it out...]]
* Jon decides there's too much rhino-turtle space where his borders ought to be, moves his fleets into position, and contacts the Fex'Klanga.
-->'''Jon:''' "How little you must accomplish in your chaotic, unstructured..." Okay, that's not cool (''hits "Declare War"''), they're the ones who started this, so, "Total War (Colossus)"...
* When considering what to do with a rhino-turtle planet, Jon sees that it's currently undergoing a slave uprising and decides he's doing them a favor by destroying it.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' (''Enslaved people rising up against their masters'')\\
Oh good, maybe those mighty egalitarian guys will save us\\
(''[[CavalryBetrayal A Colossus warps into orbit]]'')
* After wiping out a Marauder enclave within his borders, Jon receives a message from the remnants promising vengeance, but gets distracted cooing over how adorable the alien is while retracting into its leafy shell.
* Jon's plans are derailed when literally the entire galaxy wants to declare a War of Independence against the Athallid Enforcers. He joins in, but urges restraint, because he wants the Athallid around to help with the end-game crisis... but he doesn't alter his tactics either.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon: guys, we need the Athalid around!\\
Also Jon: deploy the Death Star on the Athalid!
* A glitch where graphics from the system view show up on the galactic map forces Jon to explain that despite his past actions, "I didn't blow up an entire section of the galaxy, it's just a visual bug, let's just look elsewhere."
* [[https://youtu.be/33gxef_fvCA?&t=1063 Jon's mystified]] when his fleet decides to use their Jump Drives mid-battle to hop to a distant system, throwing a wrench in his deployment plans.
* The war against the Athallid is derailed when Jon detects a galactic power surge, and the Unbidden arrive in the galaxy. More specifically, in...
-->'''Jon:''' It's in ''Belgium!'' The cocking Belgians...
* Jon's doubly-irritated when the war of independence ends and it turns out he was fighting for ''another empire's'' independence, leaving him an Athallid client state whom the Athallid aren't actually that interested in defending against the Unbidden.
-->'''Jon:''' By the way, if you guys would like to get involved, it would be ''marvelous'' if you decided you wanted to do that, okay? That would just be ''great'' right now, because there is actually the end of the universe happening, so if you guys would, like, ''get involved'', I'd really appreciate it!
* A random insult from the Avabbian Star Combine provokes a confused "Who?"
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, right, it's the pen people, I think. So they've decided ''now'' is the time to start swearing at me, when I'm literally trying to ''save the cocking galaxy.''
* After the tide turns against the Unbidden and Jon gathers his forces for the final assault, he reminesces over his fleet's history, like General Security Fleet, Salvaged Fleet...
-->'''Jon:''' ...together with - oh, Fleet 23! Who could ever forget classic Fleet 23?
* "We have destroyed the portal to Belgium! Never again will the bastard Beligans be able to threaten the galaxy! [...] 'The Tenets of Tabby have won much admiration,' is it going to be enough to offset the whole Death Star business? Because I'm not sure it actually is."
* Jon discovers that he can just request independence from his Awakened Empire overlord, but due to diplomatic modifiers...
-->'''Jon:''' Any chance that I could... (''mouses over "Cracked Our World: -3943"'') Probably they're not going to go for it.
* Jon starts reverse-engineering the Awakened Empire's "Global Pacifier" Colossus weapon as part of his rebranding initiative.
-->'''Jon:''' Now, if I'm going to become the good guys of the galaxy - and I am - then my Death Star needs to stop blowing ''up'' planets, and instead just encase them in an impenetrable shield forever, which is ''better'', definitely ''better''.
* After Jon wins a Domination Victory, he shares an unorthodox strategy with his viewers.
-->'''Jon:''' Because of course there's two ways to have 40% of all habitable planets: one, you actually take over 4/10ths of the galaxy, or two, have whatever percentage of the galaxy you do actually own, and then follow that up by blowing up all the other habitable planets, because eventually, you'll be up to 40% of the total! It's not exactly a ''good'' strategy, but it works.
* "In the end, I think we can all agree, that I was the good guys. Because ''I'' saved the galaxy from the Unbidden. So [[ChronicBackstabbingDisorder whatever]] [[MurderTheHypotenuse else]] [[WouldBeRudeToSayGenocide was]] [[EarthShatteringKaboom done]], at various points, the thing to remember is: I saved the galaxy from Belgium. Alright? That, that there, that's the bit that matters."

[[folder:''Stellaris: Megacorp'']]
* Jon decides to experience the new expansion not as a regular MegaCorp, but as the [[JustForPun Owlmerta Syndicate]], an avian criminal syndicate run by a [[SpacePirates "Pirate King."]]
-->'''Jon:''' I've realized something, ladies and gentlemen, which is: every time I play ''Stellaris'', I say "Okay, ''this'' time I'm going to play the good guys and not blatantly evil." And then, a couple of decades later, I'm the most evil bastard in the galaxy. So how about on this occasion, we get slightly ahead of the curve and just admit ahead of time, "Yeah, I'm probably just the bad guy, aren't I?"
* The first thing Jon does after meeting his neighboring plant people is set up some Underground Clubs in their capital, bringing them the gift of music.
-->'''Jon:''' So I just snuck onto their planet at night, and set up an illegal rave, and they flippin' ''love'' it, alright? It is ''banging''. With plants, every night. I'm not sure ''how'' plants at a rave works, precisely. Haven't been there myself. But I'm told the atmosphere there is ''incredible.''
* "First, let's just get this place scanned, and expand into it. Because while I wouldn't say that my empire looks ''entirely'' like a penis right now, it also doesn't look ''un''like a penis, so... just in case, I would like to change the shape of my empire as quickly as possible, so it ''stops'' looking like that."
* Due to the fact that his AgriWorld may indeed grow corn, and in response to requests from the comments setion, Jon decides to rename his second colony from Abundance to [[CallBack Cornwall]].
* In Part 3, Jon discusses how megacorps get penalties that restrict how easily they can expand, and explains how in general, it's harder to play wide in version 2.2. Then he races his neighbors to claim a string of systems so he won't get penned-in and has access to the galactic rim.
* Naturally, Jon gets the "dimension of suffering" event shortly after settling Cornwall.
-->'''Jon:''' I feel like maybe we should just close the portal? Like, our scientists have come to me and said "We've discovered a dimension of suffering, and it's located directly above our breadbasket, farming world." Maybe we should just, like, ''close'' that, that's probably the safest thing to do, right?\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' (''Hellish portal opens over Cornwall'') [[CallBack King Connor, what did you do?]]
* When sending an Insult to a rival empire, Jon's disappointed that it's more eloquent than personal.
-->'''Jon:''' Can we at least have said something about the tentacles?
* "Also, perhaps worryingly, the Curators flagged this system up here as something of interest, without specifying ''what''. But I can't help but notice that the Ganvius have not gone and colonized that sector, so I'm guessing that by 'of interest,' you mean 'oh god it's eating all our ships right now.' Let's not worry about that just for the time being..."
* "Ooh, it's a mega-church! Fine, it's another megacorp except this time, yeah, it's more about converting everyone to Spiritualism, and would you believe they're actually Xenophiles so they can lure everyone into their church. Which is not going to work, because I'm sorry, but I find your neck ''really'' creepy, that's weird."
* Jon ends up having terrible luck when it comes to keeping his Science Ships alive given all the Leviathans nearby.
-->'''Jon:''' Alright, recruit even more scientists, don't tell them what happened to the last scientists, now ''this'' time, please don't run into something that immediately murders you.
* His bad luck continues when another world in his newly-colonized Prosperity system develops rhythmic pulses that devastate the planet's ecology. But Jon tries to put a good spin on things.
-->'''Jon:''' Meanwhile, the rhythmic pulses from the planet's core are, everyone agrees, pretty damn cool to dance to, so we've immediately started playing footage of the disaster in the plant dance clubs across Ganvius Prime.
* "Also, weirdly the Citizen League of Ela Gaan have decided to actually lock me out of their empire, which is very odd because we're at +18 [Opinion] and, yeah, me and them pretty much agree on... everything. So, I'm really not sure what they've got against me, but alright. Maybe it's just things with tentacles on their faces. 'cause like, the Uthonians have tentacles and they hate me too."
* When Jon does send a Science Ship over to that "of interest" system, sure enough, he finds another space monster sucking the life from a sun. And also sure enough...
-->'''Jon:''' So, we probably want to, like, ''get out'' of there actual-\\
(''kaboom'')\\
'''Jon:''' Nevermind. That is, what is that, the ''third'' Science Vessel that's exploded as the result of running into a Leviathan? I'm amazed people are still applying to this job!
* Since he learned about one pointy-eared species after finding a xenophage's list of most flavorful sentients, Jon always refers to the Fareen Combine as the "tasty elves."
* The xenophobic isolationist Maweer Caretakers greet Jon with "All we want is be left alone, is that such a difficult concept for a chicken to understand?"
-->'''Jon:''' Ooooh you shouldn't have said [[FantasticSlur the C-word!]] Now we're gonna bomb you at some point, and it's gonna be your own fault!
* In Part 5, Jon doesn't just claim a system five jumps away from his borders to keep the Ganvius from claiming a choice mining world, he also points out a chokepoint system for consideration if he wants to expand behind a Fallen Empire.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon: "I'll play a Megacorp, they specialise in playing tall!" Also Jon: "I'll lock down a system 25 jumps away to make sure I have plenty of room to expand into in the future!"
* Jon misses the planetary edict to make a world a more attractive host for the Galactic Market after nominating it for the role, and so shuffles a bunch of colonists back to his capital to increase the number of clerk jobs and thus trade value, even at the expense of the other aspects of his economy.
-->'''Jon:''' That's right, everybody needs to be working as a clerk. Whatever a clerk is, exactly. Alright, you guys just work in generic business building, just show up at nine, sit in your cubicle, pretend to type if anyone alien is being shown around, and we are going to be the Galctic Market, alright?
* Jon's mystified when two xenophobic empires form the galaxy's first federation.
-->'''Jon:''' Yeah, these guys are xenophobe militarists, and next door the Rontor are xenophobe spiritualists. And apparently, all they can agree on is, they want to be left alone. And they want to be left ''so much'' alone, they've created a federation so they can want to be left alone ''togther'', and maybe they'll invite other people who just want to be left alone into it.
* Right when Jon's preparing to make the Gavinus a subsidiary, he gets the "Horizon Signal" event chain for the first time, and ends up exasperated by the constant interruptions.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, how many more people do I need to feed this black hole before it actually gives me something flipping ''useful?''
* In Part 6, the Infinte Pond, delicious elves and some space dwarves form a federation of their own, but Jon doesn't approve of their {{red and black|AndEvilAllOver}} color scheme.
-->'''Jon:''' It's ''not'' evil, it's Materialist, but like, when you pick those colors, you can understand how people would come to the assumption that you're evil.
* Jon does decide to claim the [[WritingAroundTrademarks Aulderaan]] system to pen in the Uthonians, and promptly renames it Owlderaan.
* The Uzhab Vortex isn't just an important chokepoint to hold against the Qiramulan Union, it also "occasionally reads me love poetry and does a little dance for me or something, so you know, it's nice to have it."
* Jon does succeed in subjugating the Ganvius Bloc as his unwilling subsidiary, then discovers that they can't pay him much in the way of tribute.
-->'''Jon:''' You see, the problem with actually making subsidiaries in war is, I suspect I've actually destroyed these guys' economy. So right now their power is Pathetic, and... how exactly are they planning to recover? I think they're in a bit of a death spiral...
* Jon sends the ''Foundling'' to investigate the "alien machine" anomaly, which results in an energy spike from a nearby star. Or in other words:
-->'''Jon:''' I'm sending a Science Vessel that was spat out by a poetic black hole to go and investigate a system that has just been probably negatively impacted by me pulling a random lever. There's no way this is all going to go wrong!
* "There's more jobs than there are people. We need more actual people on this world to work our farms, so... we need to actually boost population. But I can't boost the population effectively right now because I don't actually have the, the food... to boost the population, without the population to grow the food [[Catch22Dilemma ohhhhhhh bloody hell I've gone cross-eyed."]]
* In Part 7, Jon notices that the nearby Valdari Trading Coalition has Pathetic fleet power and technology compared to his syndicate, and so decides he'd be doing them a favor by making them a subsidiary of his megacorp.
-->'''Jon:''' Don't think of this as conquest, think of this as... ''acquistion.'' ''Hostile'' acquisition, perhaps, but still acquisition, this is basically a promotion, alright? This is gonna work out ''brilliantly'' for you guys.
* "Okay, now, now that we've got enough energy coming in off our slaves - [[VerbalBackspace I mean]] ''[[VerbalBackspace partners]]'', down south..."
* Jon continues to be baffled by the out-of-character Xenophobes on the other side of the galaxy.
-->'''Jon:''' Do you actually seriously have a migration treaty? You're ''xenophobes!'' You are xenophobes, alright? I guess you band together with other xenophobes to stop people from encroaching on your space, but you can't ''possibly'' want a migration treaty with other aliens, when - [[GivingUpOnLogic oh, never bloody mind.]]
* With his subsidiaries secured, Jon goes to war with his other neighbors to redraw his borders, and in the process ends up having some moral dilemmas.
-->'''Jon:''' Right, so Rontus officially belongs to us, and by the way... is that a, is that a colony ship? (''beat'') Now, in ''some'' ways, bombing a colony ship feels kind of ''evil'', doesn't it? So that feels like something you, you shouldn't do - is about to try to warp out? I assume it's trying to flee, okay, we will not pursue a colony ship, that's innocent civilians. Rontus Prime, however, that is totally a legitimate war target. Ooh, you've got - ooh. [[WhyDidItHaveToBeSnakes Venus flytraps.]] Bomb them! Bomb them from orbit! They've got Venus flytraps, and there's more of them growing!
* On the other hand, Jon sees more of those plant aliens on the galactic slave market, and since they've got the Strong trait, they'd make good soldiers for his armies.
-->'''Jon:''' And honestly, if you are on a planet, and an invading force of ''Venus flytraps'' showed up, you would not stand and fight, you would give the hell up at that point!
* Jon's excited to refurbish Fen Habbanis into his CityPlanet, but as its population continues to grow, he realizes he can't build any agricultural districts there to feed it.
-->'''Jon:''' We saw that in the flavor text - the problem, and the reason this planet fell apart in the first place, was because food was ''desperately'' required to keep it going, and they couldn't provide it. (''cheerily'') [[ThisIsGonnaSuck And the same thing's about to happen to me!]]
* Part 9 is titled "Under the Knife" because Jon tries out gene-modding his empires' species to make them better at their jobs. Along with some "Ultimate Owl" warriors for his armies, Jon enhances his Romans into "Cunning Romans" to make them better researchers... then buys some more Romans from the galactic slave market [[FailedASpotCheck and applies the default Roman gene template to all the Romans in his empire, undoing his progress.]]
* Jon decides to do a land-grab against the Qiramulan while they're already bogged down in a multi-front war, brings all his subsidiaries and allies in, and immediately runs into a problem when he warps into the first system he's trying to claim.
-->'''Jon:''' Deploy the fleets and... I guess we technically can't actually take this territory, because... you guys [the Pellsimus Dynastic Union] have it right now. (''beat'') Um, yeah, what do we do about that, by the way? That's, that's gonna be a bit on the awkward side.
* The good news is, the Qiramulan's war with the Pellsimus ends, so Jon's able to properly attack and occupy the system another empire had previously attacked and occupied. The bad news is, this frees up the Qiramulan to focus all their military on squashing Jon's invasion force.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh dear. I was kind of - okay guys, back out, back out for a second, we need to wait for reinforcements.
* One of his neighbor's planets has had a branch office for Jon's criminal syndicate set up for so long that it's got the "Criminal Underworld" modifier, lowering its Trade Value. Which is actually bad for Jon, because he's more interested in that Trade Value than his branch office buildings.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh dear. Who knew that creating a massive illegal black market would have negative consequences?
* It takes a bit of a slog, but Jon and the Qiramulan eventually settle their war with a Status Quo, meaning Jon gets a new prime AgriWorld to shore up his chronic food shortage!
-->'''Jon:''' Right, that war is over, but watch the food situation, because I'm hoping this will sort that out. Is this gonna sort this out? Aaand...\\
(''a new month ticks over, and his monthly food production goes from -46 to -60'')\\
'''Jon:''' ''It just got worse!'' Okay! So I'm guessing, this place just for the time being, is a ''little bit'' on the unhappy side, because of the - oh yeah, the Devastation. Yeah, that does make sense, there's quite a lot of Devastation right now, so right now you guys are... you're actually eating more food than you're producing. (''beat'') ''But'', that's just for now! That's only for now, this is fine, as soon as that Devastation fades... which is gonna take a little bit of time to do, then, this will... this is gonna sort itself out, okay? This is going to be fine. This was a ''good idea'' for a war.
* "Now do I want to get monthly food output increased by ten percent, or... I'd rather have ten percent trade value to be ''oh bloody hell!'' We're almost at starvation! Right, maybe I should go for Dietary Enrichment. Yes, that would be a good idea, I'm really glad I spotted that, sorry that's probably been stressing some of you out."
* While subduing the Zik-Mok as his next subsidiary, Jon would like their worlds where he has branch offices to get high populations, so he can put down more buildings there. He just needs a way to encourage another empire's Pops to move around.
-->'''Jon:''' And the way to artificially boost ''other'' people's planets up to 50 [population], is by causing trouble on their ''main'' planet. So, I've got a plan! Which is, if we bomb their main world into ''dust''...
* To deal with his chronic economic problems, Jon decides to build as many Alloy Foundries as possible on Fen Habbanis.
-->'''Jon:''' Then we can mass-produce even more Alloys, sell them, make even more money, use that money to buy more Minerals, virtuous cycle of infinite money that is ''definitely'' not going to lead to a galactic market crash at ''any'' point!\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Let's watch Jon play ''Stellaris: Economic Collapse and Mass Starvation.''
* By Part 11, Jon has renamed his forge world "The Beast," because of the amount of times he's told himself he needs to "feed the beast."
* Jon is struggling to keep up with his booming population's various needs, which isn't helped by his habit of picking new species to add to his empire by liberating Pops from the galactic slave market.
-->'''Jon:''' What I should really probably do is, just for a minute, ''stop buying more slaves''. Aside from the fact that - ooh. We ''are'' a bit shy on consumer goods, if I bought just like ''one'' more slave - like, I can stop any time. I do not ''need'' to keep buying slaves, this is a ''choice'' that I make...
* Once again, a pirate outpost pops up to wreck Jon's trade routes while he's attacking another neighbor.
-->'''Jon:''' Why does this always happen ''every'' time I go to war? And also, why did I not do the precise thing I mentioned last time, where I actually said "I'll leave a small force at home to deal with any problems that emerge?"
* Jon ends his war against the Pelisimus, but instead of achieving his war aim of making them a new subsidiary, he settles for "status quo" after occupying all their systems. The net result is that they get to keep their homeworld, while everything else becomes a subject of Jon's empire that copies his ethics and government. But he can't put down any branch office's in their territory, because...
-->'''Jon:''' Oh no. Because you're ''literally me'', you're actually a mega-corporation, aren't you? Balls! This means I accidentally turned them into a megacorp too, which means I can't actually plant any of my stuff on their systems! That's a shame. There were kind of enough megacorps in the galaxy, to be honest, we didn't need any more...
* In Part 12, due to the Worm's influence, the next colony Jon settles shows signs of previous habitation, and while he's wary, he also wants to see how the event chain plays out.
-->'''Jon:''' Right. Who wants to work on Glacier, because we have just got jobs galore over here, including farmers! Who wants to work on the weird, supernatural Loop Farm, it's fine, it's definitely not a problem.
* "Like, is this potentially a colony that we ourselves built, or maybe like, we're currently building the colony that's gonna go back 'round to the... [[TimeyWimeyBall Time is Up, and Yes is Water, and all of that business."]]
* Jon starts a war with the Uthonians, but creating a new subsidiary is only a secondary objective. Instead, what he really wants is to get all his allies following his main fleet, so he can do something about the Voidspawn that has been camping the Prosperity system for the past eight episodes.
-->'''Jon:''' Alright, guys? This is it, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. Aside from those of you who thought you were coming for a war with the Uthonians. Uh, you guys probably aren't expecting this, but it's actually why we were here, the whole time.
* Jon decides to give the new [[InterspeciesRomance "Xeno-Compatability"]] Ascension Perk a try, because "I think it would be remiss of me ''not'' to take this one."
-->'''Jon:''' This basically means, we've figured out a way to of making, like, [[ExoticEquipment the alien doodad fit in the other alien thingy-ma-jib]], and actually produce children.
* Jon, a Criminal Syndicate, gets the "Smuggler Outpost" event chain on a primitive world he's observing.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh dear, well we are certainly not keen on smugglers and criminals in our own empire - oh. Hang on.
* Admiral Jon versus the Voidspawn.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, stay back for the time being, ''stay back for the''- (''klaxon'') Nevermind, we are engaging, we are engaging! [...] ''Why are you guys not engaged! Guys! Engage!'' Bloody hell, we're not actually engaging with our full fleet!
* "Yeah, go on then, we'll build a terrifying pyramid to the Worm, that's not weird at all."
* When going through with "The Messenger" event chain, Jon responds with an "I'm sorry, you did WHAT?!" when the pop-up gets to the part about a retrovirus transforming his population. But he decides to roll with it.
-->'''Jon:''' (''laughing'') Y'know what? You only live once, let's do it! I'm a master of genetic engineering, if need be I can just change them back again. Right, what have I just done?
* Jon wonders why his energy credits income has crashed before realizing it's due to the costs of war.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, we're extremely dependent on the [alloys] trades I've made, and I've been spending too many alloys refreshing the fleet, so there's no alloys to actually sell. Ooh, that's, that's a problem. Yeah, yeah that's a major problem, actually. That ''should'' sort itself out next month, because now I ''do'' have enough alloys to meet my commitments, unless I don't have enough money to... purchase the minerals, that I need to sell that something something... I think we're okay. Probably. Yeah, I sold the alloys, but afterward I didn't have enough money to buy the minerals, but we've got a stockpile of minerals so, bloody hell the new economy is great!
* At the end of the "Worm in Waiting" event chain, which drastically alters Jon's home system, he realizes:
-->'''Jon:''' So, is this now a - yep, that's now a black hole. So, again, if nobody told the Galactic Market station what was actually going on, we should ''really'' tell them, because they're probably ''really'' confused what's happened to the actual sun they were supposed to be floating around. Ohhhhh bloody hell...
* Jon's extremely reluctant to trust ''Stellaris''' sector AI, but he does decide to follow the comments section's advice to cut down his administrative costs by making some of his colonies into vassals, and so he lets the planet Cornwall become independent, "and when I say 'free' I mean, y'know, a subjugated vassal. But free-er than they are right now." An hour later, when he checks on his Cornish subjects, he makes an unpleasant discovery.
-->'''Jon:''' Happiness is currently at 4%, crime is at 22%... Okay, so as it turns out, they are ''completely'' incapable of governing themselves, great. [...] So you guys have basically entered a death spiral at this point, where something ran out, which led to a fall in stability, which led to... okay, so Cornwall's a failed state, I've basically just created a failed state inside the heart of my own empire, how's Glacier doing? Also a complete failed state, marvelous. So if you were one of the people in the comments who was encouraging me to get my admin cap down by creating vassals, I hope you're very proud of yourselves, because every dead Cornish person is on your conscience.
* With the "Gene Warriors" army unlocked, Jon declares that "there's ''no'' way this can go wrong, like I've seen ''so many'' films with genetically-enhanced super soldier programs, and the ''never'' go horribly wrong, it always works out just fine." He ''does'' draw the line at gene-boosting the Venus flytraps, though.
* Jon wants to make amends for how the Tenets of Tabby brutalized the adorable starfish molluscoid species, so he tries to forcibly vassalize an empire that had been bullying similar aliens in his current game in Operation: Save the Adorable Starfish.
-->'''Jon:''' I mean, that feels like the right thing to do to me. Like, I'm not being the bad guy here, ''these'' guys are the bad guys, I mean [[BigCreepyCrawlies just look at that them]], that's blatantly the bad guy.
* Jon invites his Tiyal friends to join the war, but once again, despite the prompt indicating their willingness to join, they veto the war declaration.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, we're not inviting the Tiyals again. You know what, we're just going to eat the Tiyals at some point, they're beginning to annoy me.
* "Oh flip, we're invading Qiramulan space, and at the same time, the Qiramulan are trying to-" (''ZAP'') ''"NO! No, why would you have done that?! Did you just annihilate a colony ship, with a single shot?! Who gave that order?! That was civilians! It wasn't a war craft!'' Okay, I may possibly be the bad guy here."
* The punchline of the war against the Sakyl is that even after Jon wins and makes the bugs another subsidiary that borders the adorable starfish, this doens't do anything to the "distance" penalty that prevented the starfish from becoming his VoluntaryVassal.
* Jon keeps expanding his Forge World's alloy production, requiring another huge investment of minerals to refurbish an arcology.
-->'''Jon:''' The Beast will ''not'' destroy me, alright? It's either going to make me win, or it's going to make me lose. Like, there's no middle ground here, it's not going to just sit there as a passenger, it's either going to destroy me or let me conquer the entire galaxy, I'm not sure which.
* "We could ship off the Technicians, we're probably okay for... when I say 'we're okay for Energy,' we're losing 262 a month right now, I'm not even quite sure why, but it seems ''bad."''
* "But I now know what the problem is - it's that I'm just not producing enough alloys, so ''get more foundry arcologies'' underway here. What's that? Unemployed people, you say? Well I think I know what's happening to you! To the Beast you go!"
* The Tasty Elves declare the Tenets of Tabby their rival, making it quite likely that the elves' federation partner, the Infinite Pond, will conquer the Tabbies' empire.
-->'''Jon:''' I think Tabby might be about to be eaten by a duck. Which is quite ironic, because for Christmas we got Tabby a bag of treats that were duck-flavored and yeah, I think they're out for revenge.
* On the bright side, Jon is ecstatic that the adorable starfish voluntarily become his subsidiary.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh, this is great! I finally made amends for the horrifying murder of the starfish in the ''Apocalypse'' run, alright? That sin has now been wiped from my conscience.
* Jon subjugates the Rontor, making roughly a third of the galaxy his vassal, willing or otherwise. Which might actually be problematic.
-->'''Jon:''' We've got ourselves... possibly, worryingly too many vassals. I mean, I have got a good fleet, sure, but a single bad encounter with a leviathan, or a Great Khan, my fleet could be half-gone. And then my vassals together could be stronger than me, quite possibly. And that would be... worrying.
* By Part 15, the situation in Cornwall deteriorates even further, to the point that Glacier declares a war of independence from its sister world.
* Jon wants to see what's in the L-Cluster, but he's also wary enough to want to do it well away from his borders, in case there's something horrible in it. So he decides to claim a rival's system to take control of ''their'' L-Gate.
-->'''Jon:''' If it's a disaster, then it doesn't matter, because that's not my neighborhood. Basically, I'm going to use the L-Gates like a WeaponOfMassDestruction, and just trigger it on the far side of the galaxy from me, and then sit back and laugh as it eats everyone else, and then stop laughing if it - [-it wouldn't get to my side of the galaxy, would it?-] Okay, if it does, ''then'' we'll fight it off, but for the time being, we don't need to worry about it.
* Starting a major war just to claim that one L-Gate system leads to ironic timing when Jon picks his next Ascension Perk.
-->'''Jon:''' You know what, I will want "Defender of the Galaxy," I'll just take it now, let's just get that done. That's useful, because it also gives you, yeah, everyone's opinion increased by 20. Because I'm planning to defend the galaxy, and apparently you don't need to have defended the galaxy for everyone to like you, you can just go around saying "Yep, Defender of the Galaxy," and everyone's like "Ah, you know what, that guy's alright. He's defending the galaxy. There's nothing to defend the galaxy ''from'' right now, aside from like ''[[EvilOverlord him]]'', he's basically what the galaxy needs defending from. But he's still alright!"
* Sure enough, Jon gets the Gray Tempest event, and reads the pop-up explaining that it's not just coming out of the L-Gate he activated, but all of them.
-->'''Jon:''' Ooh, it's not just me, it's everything! Oh ''that's'' bad. What if they come to - UH-OH. What if they're somewhere else in the empire? (''cackling'') Oh, I've just basically ruined everything.
* The bad news is that most of the L-Gates happen to be within or close to Jon's borders. The ''good'' news is that if the Tempest fleets clear out some of his vassals' systems, he'll get a chance to claim some territory he'd rather own personally.
-->'''Jon:''' This is a crisis, but is it not also an opportunity?
* Jon's been supporting his economy by selling Consumer Goods for Energy Credits on the galactic marketplace, but after he hits the cap on his Consumer Goods stockpile, he dumps thousands of them. [[FailedASpotCheck One in-game year later,]] Jon finally notices that he's been losing hundreds of credits a month because he's crashed the market for the things, and tries selling even more to fix his economy.
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' And in economic news the empire is experiencing the worst recession it has ever seen with the treasury loosing almost 1k energy credits every month, and it appears that our leader hasn't noticed\\
'''Another comment:''' "Right so the Consumer Goods are selling for nothing. Well I'm prepared to be paid very little and sell a lot more." Can someone explain hyperinflation to Jon? XD
* "Okay, so you've got two worlds called Nirium and one world named Narium. This, this is why you didn't do well on the galactic stage, alright? ''Confusion."''
* Jon's annoyed when he spots the Caravaneers but doesn't get the project to open communications, because "you're part of the DLC that's the paid part of the DLC, and you're refusing to speak with me."
* Although it's a dangerous technology to pursue, Jon decides to upgrade his Droids to full-blown, self-aware Synths.
-->'''Jon:''' It should be fine, if they come to me and say they want rights, [[AndroidsArePeopleToo they can have rights, alright?]] They can have as many flipping rights as they want, no problem whatsoever. And if anyone [[{{Robosexual}} wants to have sex with the robots]], that's okay too! And if one of the robots somehow gets pregnant, with an artificial womb, and creates a half-robot, half-owl, [[TooManyHalves half-Roman]], [[HybridMonster half-starfish]], that's okay! That's cool! I'm a hundred percent okay with all of that!
* Jon kicks off Part 17 by announcing that he has a plan - "that's right, I've got a plan, everybody just flippin' panic, get it out of your system now."
* While looking over the species in his empire, Jon's horrified to find six half-breed Lozavata subspecies, because it means people have been having sex with the giant Venus flytraps.
* "Okay, that's good, apparently I'm so good at the stock market now that all my... generators produce more energy, because... reasons."
* Jon decides to name a new Gaia World "Eden Prime," which means he has to rename a disappointing colony he founded a previous episode from that to "Eden Turned Out To Be Not That Great."
* Since Jon doesn't want a War in Heaven happening on his side of the galaxy, he decides to nip one of the Fallen Empires in the bud and declares a war of conquest before it can wake up. One minute he's cheering about his "beautiful rainbow coalition" of allied empires following his main fleet, the next he notices that his war exhaustion has jumped from 20% to 99% because it's saying his side has lost 308 armies in ground battles.
-->'''Jon:''' What is going on here? The only way that's - oh NO. ''Please'' tell me that you ''idiots'' didn't decide to throw your troops at their world, and that's what's going on here?
* This turns the war from a curb-stomp to a desperate race to conquer heavily-defended worlds before Jon's forced to peace out, and sadly he only manages to get the Archives when the war ends. He ships a ton of unemployed Pops there, realizes the planet is already overpopulated and underemployed, ''then'' realizes that thanks to his Social Welfare policy, all those unemployed Pops are giving him a ton of Unity to spend on Unity Ambitions.
-->'''Jon:''' I've accidentally been a genius!
* By Part 19, Jon has a colony named Eden Prime Prime.
* Jon finally gets to chat with the Caravaneers, and is eager to "blow my entire empire's economy on LootBoxes, because that's ''got'' to be a good idea." Several minutes later...
-->'''Jon:''' I believe that was about a decade's worth of income from my entire empire I just spent on that. You know what? I think it's probably time to walk away, until they have more loot boxes for us.
* During the second war against the Fallen Empire, the enemy uses Jump Drive to bypass Jon's fleet and slaughter his army as as it's packed in defenseless transports.
-->'''Jon:''' ''Okay''. I'll give 'em, that was clever, that they just did that. 'cause now that they've done that, how am I supposed to land on their main world? Okay, you know what? If you're determined not to be invaded, I guess you ''won't'' be invaded, I guess what I'll do instead is ''[[OrbitalBombardment devastate]]'' you down to the last man. I will ''bomb'' your people into non-cocking-existence! Is that what you want, because that's what's going to happen now!
* After finally conquering the Fallen Empire, and gaining access to a new Ecumenopolis and several well-built planets with unique, powerful structures on them, Jon decides to... make them a vassal and give them away. While he's pleased with the resulting boost to his research speed, he eventually notices the food, mineral and consumer goods deficits he's now running.
-->'''Jon:''' I've got out of it a huge amount of money and - ooh. Apparently my economy was a ''little'' more dependent than I thought on The Archive...
* Jon gets to name a colony The Robots Told Us To after he settles it to please the Ancient Caretakers.
* The Ganvius are so bad at suppressing piracy, which keeps shutting down Jon's trade routes through their territory, that he considers freeing his subsidiary just so he can claim some of their uninhabited systems in a war of conquest and protect them properly.
* When the War in Heaven starts, Jon ends up leading the League of Non-Aligned Powers, and as more and more nations break off their old alliances to join his, Jon's ecstatic that the Infinite Pond, Pax Romana, and Tenets of Tabby have all joined his sort-of-federation, so he's "got the full flipping sweep!" Which means that his greatest diplomatic triumph came during the game where he was explicitly ''trying'' to play as the "bad guy," instead of his earlier attempts at federation-building that devolved into exploding planets.
* "I think the starfish are going around, taking planets for the Romans! Aww, that's lovely, Romans and starfish, hand-in-hand! Oh that's beautiful, there ought to be songs written about that."
* Jon's able to slaughter most of the Zelvan's fleets by sending the Murder of the Fallen to bait them into following it into the L-Cluster, where the rest of his forces promptly form a firing line. He admits that "the AI could maybe do with a bit of work here, because they're pretty damn dumb."
-->'''Jon:''' Do they not know what is going on? They must realize this keeps happening. But no, they keep walking in. "Okay, fine, every other previous army was slaughtered, but ''this one'' won't be, oh no, hang on, yes they are."
* Then the War in Heaven takes a dramatic turn when Jon notices that the other Fallen Empire is inches from taking the homeworld of the Tenets of Tabby, so Jon desperately redeploys to save his cat empire from being invaded by Xenomorph Armies. Unfortunately, it's not quite enough.
-->'''Jon:''' NO! No, they took Lux! The Tenets of Tabby's gone... it's ''gone''... I couldn't save them... I'm ''genuinely'' really sad!
* "Ooh, apparently we've got a critical shortage of Rare Crystals, which is surprising, because I thought we were like, you know, ''buying'' them. Are we not buying them? Why are we not buying them... right, apparently we're making a massive loss of them, uh, buy... wait, what? Where's... okay, apparently I've not got any money. This is fine, everything's under control..."
* Between multiple war fronts and his fleets bugging out and refusing to fight, it takes several minutes for Jon to notice that the Beast is experiencing mass unrest and a crime wave, and why that's happening.
-->'''Jon:''' Ah, part of the problelm ''might'' be that I've got no Consumer Goods, that ''would'' upset everyone, yes.
* First the War in Heaven refuses to end because of how war exhaustion and planetary occupation are applied to it, then Jon's efforts to secure a decisive victory are stymied by a neutral power closing its borders. So he has to start a ''side'' war.
-->'''Jon:''' You guys didn't ''have'' to be dicks. You could have just said, "Oh, I see you're just passing through, that's no problem whatsoever," but nooooo, nonononono, ''you'' had to go and make the war difficult. So now, it's ''your'' flipping war, have fun with it.
* All the territory Jon gains from his total war completely drains Jon's economy, and all the Alloy sales have depreciated their value so he can't support himself that way. So he tries selling Consumer Goods to stay afloat.
-->'''Jon:''' Right, sell huge numbers of those immediately, just to keep us going, and then start actually selling some of them [each month], sell Consumer Goods, I'm making... yeah, I'm making a monthly gain of a thousand. So how about we just sell a few hundred of them at a minimum price of... okay, 0.36 because I literally just flooded the market. (''beat'') Set no minimum price, do it anyway!\\
'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Ok, so I have a Master's degree in Economics. Watching you flood the markets for food and alloys, and try to stabilize by... flooding the market further... it hurts.
* "Yeah, at this point basically we're just feeding [[SlaveMooks slaves]] to [[Franchise/{{Alien}} xenomorphs]], but some of the xenomorphs have gotten really sad and they're running away. So that's... that's good. And now the slaves are just going to beat the xenomorphs to death, job flippin' done. I'm ''so'' sorry. Can we maybe free the slaves after we're done with this war? Because I feel like they deserve to be freed."
* Even after a ceasefire with Awakened Empire and completely conquering the other, the War in Heaven continues because all of the defeated Xenophobes' vassals are still fighting.
-->'''Jon:''' So to be clear at this point, we have a War in Heaven going on that does not involve ''any'' Fallen Empires, at all. It involves one federation versus a bunch of thralls, who are blatantly not thralls because... they can't be thralls! They're not thralls, because they don't have anyone [[BuffySpeak to be thralling to!]] In fact, what's going on?! Why is this war still happening?!
* As Jon's economy continues to collapse, he breaks down all the starbases in his conquered territory, docks his fleets to reduce upkeep costs, ''and'' hits the galactic market to dump more Alloys.
-->'''Jon:''' But that ''should'' have a good impact on the deficit, hopefully... Okay it had ''no'' impact whatsoever, literally no impact, that did not help in the slightest. [...] Okay, Plan B: accept bankruptcy.
* In the War in Heaven's aftermath, Jon gives away most of his conquered territory to allies or creates vassals from them, leaving him the leader of a federation that emcompasses most of the galaxy. Which he promptly leaves, because as a criminal megacorp, federations "aren't really my thing."
-->'''[=YouTube=] comment:''' Jon has now:\\
- Conquered less advanced civilizations and expanded his own territory\\
- Found the empire too large to handle, had to release large parts of it as autonomous states.\\
- Left these states poor and undeveloped\\
- Led an alliance of major powers in a large war\\
- Left the alliance in peacetime to recover 50 fleet capacity/week and control his borders\\
This is a perfect recreation of the British empire. Well done
* This leaves the League of Non-Aligned powers under the leadership of the robotic Shazarak, who Jon has always got along with.
-->'''Jon:''' I do like the Shazarak, me and the Shazarak get on just fine. (''opens diplomacy tab to see a -76 opinion from them'') I just didn't feel like I was - oh. We ''were'' getting on just fine. Then apparently we weren't anymore... Right. Well, we're not at war with each other, and they're probably not going to be stupid enough to attack me. Or at lest - oh, I really ''hope'' they're not. ''Right''. Anyway...
* The Xenophile Awakened Empire defeats the Earth Custodianship with a superweapon that deploys an impenetrable force field around its target. Or in other words:
-->'''Jon:''' Basically, a giant empire of sentient robots whose only desire is to collect bio-trophies and make them comfortable forever, has been locked behind a force field where they will never again see another biological entity, and thus they have nothing to pamper. Okay, that's possibly the cruelest thing you could possibly have done, you xenophile bastards, but whatever, go for it.
* Jon sets up a branch office on repose, with an Executive Retreat so everyone can come and pet Tabby, but since "Tabby is not really much of a dancer, I'm going to replace the Dance Club, which I think she'd find a bit loud and frightening, with some Illicit Research Labs, where we can develop new food and treats to give to Tabby."
* First Jon is delighted to finally get the Prethoryn Scourge rather than another Unbidden invasion, then his decision to spare one of the Awakened Empires pays off when the Zelvan Arbitrators proceed to all but solo the first wave of the endgame crisis.
-->'''Jon:''' Right, I'm goin' home, I'm just going to actually go home, in fact, because I feel like the Zelvans are going to do this for me. I laid the ground work, dammit, I'm perfectly happy to let the Zelvans do the heavy lifting.
* After Jon's anti-Scourge fleets help wipe out the invaders proper in a shockingly swift war, he decides for his next game, he'll be "whacking ''every'' difficulty slider like very, very far up, alright, no more Mister Nice Game. Next time we play this, it's going to be something bloody extreme, alright?"
[[/folder]]

[[folder:''Stellaris'' - The Impossible Run]]
* During his "Impossible Run," Jon notices that his Space Romans on the other side of the galaxy are being steadily destroyed by some [[KillAllHumans Determined Exterminators]], and is happy to welcome their refugees. He immediately colonizes a "New Rome" just for the humans, but notices that the planet has the [[LuckBasedMission "abandoned terraforming equipment"]] modifier, and since doing nothing will saddle the colony with a happiness penalty, he decides to push the button and hope for the best. A short time later and the once-temperate world is a desert full of mutant horrors that are eating the Roman colonists.
-->'''Jon:''' So in conclusion, I invited a bunch of refugees into my empire, set up a wonderful habitat for them, and then activated completely untested technology, which has unleashed a terrifying, horrible war on their world, when they were fleeing a terrible, horrifying war... Okay, so, this is fine, I'm a monster.
* The sixth episode of the Impossible Run is titled "I Have a Plan." Cue anxiety in the comments section.
* Jon decides to plunge his corner of the galaxy into a multi-front war so he can grab a few neighboring systems, but with the main objective of securing a ten-year peace treaty against his most threatening neighbor so he can try a corporate takeover war against a rival megacorp on the other side of the galaxy.
-->'''Jon:''' I mean, it's probably a catastrophically stupid military adventure, but I want to do it anyway. And it basically gives me a legitimate excuse to bully the Hulfassans for being a bunch of dicks.
* The end result of the "peace treaty" war is that Jon attains his objectives, while the allies he dragged into the fight lose several systems to their rivals due to Jon settling for a "status quo" result rather than a full victory.
-->'''Jon:''' I'm kind of screwing over the Baviir right now... I'm ''really'' screwing over the Baviir right now. But, I would get what ''I'' want, and in many ways that's the most important thing.
* Highlights of the war against the T'Jell Monopoly include Jon declaring war on a nation on the other side of the galaxy ''before'' sending his fleet on the two-year voyage to enemy territory, sending his actual troop transports even later, two enemy fleets spazzing out and twirling in place, and his own fleet getting stuck in combat against enemy ships they're not attacking, forcing Jon to use the "emergency FTL" feature to break off the combat, and then realizing that he has no idea where he just sent his invasion force to. But somehow it all works out and the Snivlet Friendship takes over two profitable new branch offices! And then Jon checks what's happening in the galactic east.
-->'''Jon:''' I just fought a war to get ahold of the branch office on The Brightest Quack, which I've just invested heavily into. The Brightest Quack is now just a single jump away from [[RobotWar the killbots.]]
* Jon explains why having Pristine Jewel, a Gaia World on the other side of the galaxy from his homeworld, is so important:
-->'''Jon:''' (''matter-of-factly'') It's worth it for me to hedge my bets, because at some point, I'm going to be destroyed.
* While planning his campaign against the Zero Index, Jon realizes that the positive diplomacy modifiers from having a shared enemy are going to do wonders for his international relations.
-->'''Jon:''' So as it turns out, a giant swarm of killbots who everyone agrees are dicks, that's going to be how the galaxy makes friends, because everyone will agree they have a common enemy - aw, that's brilliant, the Zero Index have accidentally ''saved'' me.
* Jon insists that the Zero Index's robot population are ''not'' being Purged from the worlds he conquered, because he's not using skull icons during the process. "These are killbots, we're ''deactivating'' them. This is no more murder than unplugging a toaster."
* Jon moves a ton of Pops around to build up Fen Habannis, his CityPlanet, and experiences a crash in his food and consumer goods production. Luckily he has edicts to compensate.
-->'''Jon:''' Education! Hurray! Recycling! Hurray! Healthcare! Hurray! Capacity Overload! Hurray! Farming Subsidies! Ah, marvelous. Right, I've solved all my problems by throwing money at them, great.
* After spending most of an episode on reorganizing his empire and watcing the Zero Index dwindle away, Jon suddenly gets the [[OutsideContextProblem "Subspace Echoes"]] event pop-up.
-->'''Jon:''' ...Uh oh. Oh ''no''. Oh nonononononono - okay, so... It's been going ''well''. I mean, we had a ''good'' run. We had a ''great'' run. Absolutely spectacular run. We have done so, so well, so far. It's been great. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck I hope you enjoyed this series, it's been a good series as far as I'm concerned.]]
* "It's going to be okay, it's not going to be okay, it might be okay."
* When he sees the invaders' predicted entry points on the galactic rim, Jon has an unwelcome realization:
-->'''Jon:''' If I'd just left the Zero Index alone, and basically let them dominate that entire quadrant of the galaxy, there is actually a decent chance the Zero Index would have been able to give the [[HordeOfAlienLocusts Swarm]] a decent fight, and potentially at the bare minimum have slowed them down enough that I'd have time to get myself set up properly, but, ah, that's not going to be a thing anymore, because the Zero Index is about to cease to exist. So basically, by saving the galaxy, I have ''doomed'' it.
* To prepare for the fight against the Scourge, Jon switches his empire's trade policy from "Consumer Benefits" to "Marketplace of Ideas" to try to get some Ascension perks. Fifteen minutes later...
-->'''Jon:''' One other advantage, actually, this is a bit of a morbid one... yeah, as these guys start destroying occupied systems with actual, you know, planets on them, and as a result of that, there'll be a massive refugee crisis across the galaxy. And when ''that'' happens, yeah, all those people, probably, will flee to me because I've got open borders, so as a result of that, yeah, massive increase in Pops, we can get them to work on Fen Habannis, so... That'll give me a bit of an advantage too, [[DelayedReaction also what the hell just happened to my economy?]]\\
'''[=YouTube=] Comment:''' Jon did more damage to his empire than the Scourge did.
* So while the Prethoryn Scourge begins consuming the galaxy, Jon spends an hour-long episode trying to stabilize his tanking economy by shuffling Pops around, revamping his infrastructure, belatedly automating the menial jobs, and making some questionable trade deals.
-->'''Jon:''' I can prop up my economy by selling my own empire! Which is probably not a ''great'' idea, but screw it, if they're willing to pay I'm willing to sell it.
* "This is how we're going to defeat the Scourge, ''if'' we defeat them, which we ''won't'', but this is how we'll give them at least a fair battle."
* "Yes, we have got ourselves some beautiful, beautiful refugees! Good, good-good-good, I mean I'm very, very sad and sorry for your loss."
* In Part 11, Jon has saved his economy from himself and is climbing the tech ladder so that he can build fleets designed to hard-counter the Scourge. So naturally he decides now's the time to open the L-Gates and hope something horrible spills out into Scourge space.
-->'''Jon:''' Because, when you're being invaded by bears, what you need is, like, different types of bears, bears that hate each other. [[LetsYouAndHimFight We're just going to set the bears against the bears]] and everything's going to be fine, alright, when winter rolls around all the bears will freeze to death.
* It only takes a couple of minutes for Jon to realize that ''maybe'' unleashing unending hordes of nanomachine fleets that can strike from ''any'' L-Gate in the galaxy, and not just the L-Gates near the Prethoryn Scourge, might not have been such a good idea.
-->'''[=YouTube Comment=]:''' In this episode Jon falls back on the GodzillaThreshold.\\
EDIT: Never mind, he falls back on the true and tried tactic of unleashing bears on the fire fighters during a forest fire.
* Once he researches Experimental Subspace Navigation, Jon manages to hop a Science Ship into Scourge space to start the "Wounded Queen" event, acquiring his very own Domesticated Prethoryn Queen! ...Deep, deep inside enemy territory, and unable to make a jump to bypass the HyperspaceLanes crawling with Scrouge doomstacks. What follows is several minutes of Jon trying to sneak the Queen out while the Scourge is busy, which ends with Jon's fledgling Domesticated Prethoryn fleet getting curb-stomped. But then minutes later, some of those ships manage to escape to friendly territory, allowing him to rebuild his own swarm! Except it turns out that the ships are actually pretty crap for their fleet cost. So to free up his Naval Capacity, Jon throws his tamed Prethoryns against the Scourge and gets them all killed... [[ShaggyDogStory and notices that his Naval Capacity hasn't gone down.]]
-->'''Jon:''' Right, possibly I've just killed a free fleet. But that's okay, it was useless anyway.
* Jon starts an episode with another installment of "Things That Jon Got Wrong," and explains that he's been misinterpreting one of the game's Traditions thinking that it only applies its increased ship firing rate to fleets within his borders, when it actually triggers if you're in a defensive war. "But it's been making me ''feel'' better, alright? [[PlaceboEffect There's been a really important psychological benefit to me thinking that for the past few decades."]]
* Already struggling to contain both the Prethoryn Scourge and the Gray Tempest, Jon's response to the Great Khan arising is a RapidFireNo... at least until he sees which Marauders have woken up and how close they are to the Scourge.
-->'''Jon:''' Okay, never mind, this is gonna work out ''beautifully!'' They're just going to absolutely eat Tabby, and then they're going to be very, very useful indeed! Okay, marvelous! I take back all of the "no!"s, it's now nothing but "yes!"
* Unfortunately, this doesn't go according to plan either, because of who the Raltek Horde decides to antagonize.
-->'''Jon:''' Yeah, the Great Khan decided to basically run straight into an [[AwakeningTheSleepingGiant Awakened Ascendancy]], so that's... that's unfortunate for you, isn't it?
* Jon decides he'll combat the Scourge with a Colossus, not to blow up planets but to pacify them with an impenetrable force field, so future generations can study the Scourge trapped below.
-->'''Jon:''' Just to make the point, this giant world-destroying monstrosity shall be called Salvation. This is a ''Salvation''-class Colossus, and that means we're the good guys.
* "Also, I just noticed that um, yeah, Rubicon is producing 144 Trade Value that we're not collecting right now because I never actually upgraded the station. So that's good, that's good, well done ''me'', basically."
* Jon realizes that battleships and heavy cruisers aren't the best anti-piracy task force, but he has a more appropriate fleet to spare - the survivors of his tamed Prethoryn brood.
-->'''Jon:''' They're completely garbage, we don't want them as part of the main fleet, so, we can just basically leave them here as a message: don't be a pirate, or ''we will eat you.''
* A planetary event involving a strange portal ends up leading to a "Dimension of Suffering."
-->'''Jon:''' You know what, give it a few years, it'll probably be nicer than where we live.
* For a CryLaughing sort of funny, Jon spends a great deal of time and resources successfully defending the Selnoc system, using its Gateway to instantly reinforce his anti-Scourge fleet. When he sees several Scourge swarms idling in neighboring systems, he decides to send his forces on a jaunt across the galaxy, at which point the Scourge dogpiles Selnoc. And Jon realizes his trouble goes beyond a single lost system.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh flip... the ''Gateways!'' Okay, they can't use the [[PortalNetwork Gateway network]]... [[ExplainExplainOhCrap unless they own both sides, or it is an unclaimed Gateway.]] Now they ''do'' own a Gateway. They own a Gateway over... yeah, they own a Gateway up there. And now they've taken - oh, no wonder they were desperately waiting for a chance to get Selnoc! Now they've got a Gateway, they can now teleport troops from one side of the empire to the other... and I have no way of stopping them.
* [[FromBadToWorse And then he notices that they're trying to take Terminal Egress, which would give them access to the galaxy's L-Gate network as well]].
-->'''Jon:''' [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone Oh no, what have I done?!]] I've accidentally doomed us all! The Gateway network's actually gonna hand them the keys to the entire cocking galaxy! ''Aw, they're all going! Oh no! Nononono - what do I do?!''
* To plug his Minerals deficit, Jon belatedly settles all the Worm-created habitable worlds in his home system: New Snorf, New New Snorf, New New New Snorf...
* Having lost his chokepoint system, and abandoning Terminal Egress to turtle in his home territories, Jon decides to focus on fortifying the route from the L-Gate within his borders. Then he notices something.
-->'''Jon:''' There is however one, um, ''small'' problem I've just realized, by the way. I was thinking we could just hold out here in the south down at Howoz and we'd be fine. Because y'know, obviously they're coming from the south. But, um... they're actually ''not''. Because I remembered, of course, over in Reshell... there's also a wormhole. Guess where the wormhole goes - oh, it's ''literally'' right next to Scourge space. In fact there are actually three fleets inside that space, right now, possibly going straight towards the wormhole, so... that's great, that's just great, thank you for leading them into my space, that's just brilliant. So! We're going to be attacked by both sides, because by sheer coincidence we've got flipping ''wormholes'' all over our cocking empire.
* By this point the comments section is wondering when Jon will start [[Film/{{Downfall}} tossing pens around, promising wonder weapons to win the war, and insisting that a general will lead a counter-attack from the north to salvage the situation.]]
* Jon decides to take a break from cowering in his home systems to invade a neighboring Fallen Empire for its technology and infrastructure, hence the episode title, "Screw It, Let's Start Another War, That Will Fix Everything." And instead of landing armies on all the Fallen Empire's colonies, he sends in a Colossus with a Global Pacifier to seal them behind impenetrable force fields.
-->'''Jon:''' Bear in mind, this is ''not'' murder, it's not a ''Death'' Star. The people living on this planet, they can just, you know, keep living here, whoever they are. I hope they're very, very happey indeed.... No, we're ''not'' saying "Tap on the glass and watch them squirm," that is not the Xenophile way!
* He also tries to claim the moral high ground by attacking the Fallen Empire's own Colossus.
-->'''Jon:''' How about we go and save the galaxy by destroying the only other Death Star out there, because I'd say we can all agree I'm the only person who can be trusted with a Death Star.
* Jon really wants The Core and all its incredibly-advanced production buildings, but another empire is invading at the same time, and manages to land ground troops first. But he's sure the game mechanics are in his favor.
-->'''Jon:''' I mean I think as I've got the starbase, I get everything by default, because starbases take precedence over everything. Plus, I have a claim down on this system which I got down ages ago, so I think it goes to me. [...] If so, that would be a huge pile of alloys and money, that basically is just for free, it's beautiful!\\
(''SmashCut to...'')\\
'''Jon:''' ''The Core has just been occupied by the Kilik Cooperative!''
* Then Jon decides that he ''doesn't'' need the Core after all, and to end the war and his secure his claims on the Fallen Empire's territory, uses his Colossus on two planets other star nations are currently occupying.
-->'''Jon:''' Are you guys gonna object to this? Is this a war crime?
* Now that his fleets are upgraded with Fallen Empire technology, Jon goes on the offensive with enough firepower to massacre Scourge fleets even when they try to catch him out of position.
-->'''Jon:''' Oh yeah, ''they'' thought they could get around the back of me, but oh dear, [[TrashTalk this plan's boomeranged on you, hasn't it?]] Like a space - [[SidetrackedByTheAnalogy wait, would a boomerang - no a boomerang wouldn't - wait, hang on - no, a boomerang wouldn't work in space, presumably...]]
* With the tide turning, the other empires in the galaxy begin retaking Scourge territory and sending their fleets to support Jon on the front line against the swarm-
-->'''Jon:''' Nope, never mind, they decided to retreat before anything interesting happened, because ''of course'' they have. Oh, but guess who ''has'' shown up just in time! It's the flipping Iztrans and they have fifty thousand, which is not nothing! So guys, if you'd like to - guys? Guys, would you like to get involved? No, they've decided they can't be bothered, they're just going to stay back and let me do all the work.
* As Jon leads the counter-invasion of Scourge space, and carves its fleets into chunks...
-->'''Jon:''' You know, I like to think back on Snorf right now, Scourge flesh has just become - well it ''was'' a delicacy, but then we just kind of flooded the market with it, so now it's what everybody eats, you know it's just good, cheap, wholesome food.
* With the Scourge all but exterminated from the galactic northeast, Jon realizes the fight isn't quite over yet.
-->'''Jon:''' I'm going to be honest at this point, I may have ''slightly'' forgotten something. A little bit of Scourge territory that I may have overlooked. The bit that in fact... (''[[RevealShot pans over to his own empire]]'') repeatedly keeps attacking Tiny Sands and still has two massive fleets and also all of their infrastructure. That's basically where they live now, yes. In fact they're also just desperately colonizing everything they can over here. Right, we should probably go ''deal'' with that.
* "Yeah, basically the Scourge have managed to successfully hide - and when I say 'hide', you know, 'parked directly north of my core empire' - about 1.6 million strength. [[FailedASpotCheck And I just didn't notice."]]
* Jon has a dramatic moment narrating Strike Force Phoenix assaulting the last Scourge system, "unless I've forgotten about one again, that is entirely feasible." Sure enough, the crisis isn't quite over because there's one little system tucked away next to the Brightest Quack.
-->'''Jon:''' I've no idea why the Ducks didn't take care of this, by the way, it is literally two jumps away from their flipping capital!
* To celebrate his victory, Jon puts up an Executive Retreat on Repose, so everyone can go relax by petting the Tabbies.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: One-Off Videos]]

* Jon does a video for ''Imperator: Rome''[='s=] 1.3 "Livy" update at the request of Paradox Interactive, and very clearly specifies that it's a sponsored video.
-->'''Jon:''' And I thought to myself, "Well, I already like ''Imperator: Rome'' - you know, I made a fifteen-part series about it the moment it flipping came out - so I see no reason to turn down free money." So, that's where we are right now, so we're gonna make this video, and then Claire and I are [[ImGoingToDisneyWorld off to Disney World!]] ...Okay, it wasn't ''that'' much, but it would probably stretch to [[PoorMansSubstitute Disneyland Paris.]]

* Paradox once again sponsors Jon to make a video showing off updates to one of their games, in this case the ''Federations'' expansion for ''VideoGame/{{Stellaris}}.'' He decides to play as the Space Toad Holy Union, a Mega-Church of frogs. And in addition to showing off the new diplomatic features, Jon's doing a One System Challenge.
** "The one time I start a challenge where I can't expand, naturally there's Alloys just floating around in the next system. And ''then'', beyond that, two Zro, one of the rarest and most valuable strategic resources in the game, and I can't go and take it."
** Jon points out that now, you have to gain experience working within a federation to unlock its special features.
--->'''Jon:''' Basically, we're just kind of setting it up, alright? We're all learning where the photocopier is, where the kettle is, how to use the stupid new locks on the doors...
** The Space Toads put a branch office down and start up a Private Mining Consortium on a [[SiliconBasedLife lithoid]] planet.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh. Okay, how offensive is it to go digging up rocks on a rock world? Like, what are we... oh blimey, if they kick us off in a month, we'll know why.
** Jon's delighted to see the Tenets of Tabby again, and quickly works to improve relations with the felines.
--->'''Jon:''' Oh, Tabby, you're a good cat, but I understand you are suspicous of me. Don't worry, I'm going to send over some diplomats, they're gonna tickle you under your neck - I know you like that - and you'll totally come around.
** Jon's Snivlet allies get attacked, and Jon rushes his fleet to the rescue!
--->'''Jon:''' Don't worry, Snivlet friends, I can help! I've actually got a fleet... it's not ''spectacular'', but it's not terrible either! Just give me two minutes and I'll be right with you!\\
(''cut to the enemy invasion force'')\\
'''Jon:''' Oh. ''Slight'' concern. It would appear that, uh, the guys who attacked us are in possession of... Fallen Imperial tech. Probably a gift from one of the nearby Fallen Empires. That... that's a concern, actually. Right, so! Good luck with this one, Snivlets!
** When showing off the various initiatives available to the Galactic Community, Jon puts all his diplmoatic weight beyond Regulatory Facilitation, which improves planetary productivity at the cost of habitability. Or in other words:
--->'''Jon:''' And after literally a decade of arguing about it, we have all come to agree at the UN that we are going to do ''slightly more polluting!'' (''beat'') Okay, we might need to do some work on the Senate, yet, I'm not sure it's necessarily working precisely as we were originally hoping.

* ''Crusader Kings III - This Is Ghana Be Good'', Jon's early look at the game.
** He starts off with a disclaimer that Paradox was sponsoring the video and that "I don't know why to be honest, I would have payed them."
** The goal of his playthrough as Maghan Zoumana of Ghana is to accumulate the biggest brood of children possible, so the first thing he does in the game is divorce his wife so that he can marry a new, better wife, who will hopefully pass her Fecund trait to their offspring.
--->'''Jon:''' A giant pile of kids is good, but a giant pile of kids that can start producing their ''own'' kids, that's exponential kids!
** But Jon points out that one wife might not be enough, "because if you think about it, even if you get your wife pregnant, that's going to take nine months or whatever, then she'll probably want a bit of downtime with the baby, that's ''at most'' one child per year. I'm already thirty-seven, we don't have time for this!" Fortunately, his religion allows concubinage for a bit of "outsourcing." And due to a lack of eligible women in his court, Jon ends up taking on his ex-wife as a concubine.
---> '''Jon''': Which is... is that sweet or monstrous? I'm not really sure - okay, seriously, Christmas is entering a brand new level of Awkward right now.
** This leads to Jon musing that having multiple wives would be very useful in his day-to-day life, prompting an ImagineSpot of him introducing a video.
--->'''Jon:''' Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jon-\\
'''Claire:''' I'm Claire!\\
'''Sophie:''' I'm Sophie!\\
'''Jen:''' I'm Jen!\\
'''Rachael:''' I'm Rachael with an A!\\
'''Ruby:''' I'm Ruby!\\
'''Allison:''' I'm Allison!\\
'''Mattophobia:''' I'm Matt!\\
'''Ella:''' I'm Ella!\\
'''Myra:''' I'm Myra!\\
'''Laura:''' I'm Laura!\\
'''Jon:''' [[TrollingCreator And welcome to]] ''VideoGame/KnightsOfTheOldRepublic!'' Now unfortunately, we still have to do the outro, so that's actually all the time we've got for this week. Hopefully we'll begin the game next week, we shall see. But in the meantime I've been Jon-\\
'''Claire:''' I've been Claire!\\
'''Rachael:''' I've been Rachael with an A-\\
(''back to CK 3'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, that sounds like a bad idea, let's never consider that again.
** He's perplexed that his wife keeps out-performing his concubines when it comes to popping out children.
--->'''Jon:''' What am I paying you for - assuming I'm paying you, I don't know whether I actually pay you, am I paying you? No, it turns out as a tribe leader, I'm not actually paying anybody. Okay, so they're just here because they want to be, spectacular.
** "This feels unnecessary, but I suppose I need to seduce my concubines, otherwise they're not going to do their job."
** When Jon and his harem only manage to produce one kid over two years, he decides to pivot from the Family focus to Seduction.
---> '''Jon''': It's basically the same thing, except we just redefine "family" a bit wider to mean "basically anybody I fancy."
** He sets his sights on a courtier with the Giant trait, "which the game sort of seems to be selling as a bad thing. No, we will breed a race of super-giants, it's going to be ''amazing!"''
--->'''Jon:''' Seduce her immediately, using a ladder if necessary!
** Ten minutes into the video, Jon has a wife, two concubines, and five lovers, but only six children to show for his efforts. "I feel like this isn't the efficient child production line I was hoping for."
** One of Jon's infidelities comes out, which is a problem since male adultery is a crime under Zoumana's religion.
--->'''Jon:''' Also, nobody mention that another one of my lovers is my priestess, of a religion in which it's a crime to have lovers. But she's not just my lover, she's also my concubine. But is having her like... am I crossing a professional line? Like, you're only supposed to have "professional" sex with your concubines, but if they become lovers, then you're like having sex off the clock? Like, outside nine-to-five - I don't know, I'm not sure whether I'm committing a crime right now!
** "Okay, I really ought to have taken notes about this, because I'm going to be honest - a woman called Safiatou has just shown up and has a son, who's mine, and I'm not sure whether she's making this up or not because I can't remember running into her previously..."
** "The situation right now is, I don't think I can become any more sinful. I'm not sure there's anything more sinful than Sinner. So at this point, as far as I'm concerned, [[ThenLetMeBeEvil all sinning is free!"]]
** "Okay, so, I'm pretty sure the large pile of adultery, legitimization [of bastards], and other behavior means that at this point, my wife sort of hates me. So yeah, naturally there's only one thing to do at this point... and that's get rid of her and find a new one!"
** Instead of altering his behavior to be less sinful in the eyes of his religion, Jon decides to reform his religion to approve of his behavior, which will require lots of Faith. Fortunately, he has access to HumanSacrifice and the ability to declare prisoner-gathering wars...
--->'''Jon:''' So if we just quickly go over to my prison here, you'll notice that this person is worth 25 Faith. I'm also gaining Dread, but that's absolutely fine, because this is ''holy'' burning, it's A-OK! ...The children are worth ''more?'' I'm not sure why murdering children is worth more Faith, but they are!
** "Slight miscalculation, I think I just accidentally stormed the town belonging to one of my lovers, who's now dead by being killed during the siege. Okay, I'm ''really sorry'' about that."
** Jon's impressed that it takes until his character is 56 for the "Too Much of a Good Thing" event to fire.
--->'''Jon:''' So yes, unfortunately, days of nothing but going on hunts, getting drunk, talking to people, having sex with everybody, it's just too much and I'm starting to get stressed out by it. So... okay, who do we want to get rid of? We're going to do this entirely by who's produced the most children.
** One cut later - "Much murder later, like ''so much'' murder later" - Jon has close to 4000 Piety, has lost track of how many people he's sacrificed, and realizes his grand plan has not unfolded as he hoped it would.
--->'''Jon:''' Y'see, I was trying to build up Piety so I could reform my religion, but unfortunately in doing so, I was going 'round, fighting wars to sacrifice people, which is a thing my religion likes. Also, we took several of my religion's holy sites, meaning basically... everyone's now really convinced my religion is great, and human sacrifice is A-OK. Kind of meant it as a means to an end, but instead, yeah, [[GoneHorriblyRight everyone's decided the religon's]] ''[[GoneHorriblyRight amazing]]''. [[GoneHorriblyRight Which means, trying to reform it is vastly more expensive, because everyone's decided it's really good to kill people.]] So, I've accidentally started a ''mass death cult''. That's bad, in a way, but in ''other'' ways it's not the worst thing, which is... I feel like that guy, in the fable or whatever, [[GiftOfTheMagiPlot who shaves off his mustache to buy combs for his wife, but it turns out his wife has actually cut off her hair,]] on this occasion probably to find a divorce lawyer under the circumstances. But yeah, I can't help but notice something - the whole reason I wanted to reform my religion was, y'know, so that my adultery wouldn't be a crime anymore, and also maybe, just maybe, we could bring in some Carnal Exaltation, so lustfulness would be a virtue and everyone has more sexy times. But um, yeah. I've spent so many years trying to make all of that happen, that I haven't actually had a child in ''fifteen years''. Yeah, because now I'm an old man who's probably having [[TheLoinsSleepTonight certain engineering and mechanical problems, if you know what I mean.]] So uh, yeah, I've spent my entire life desperately trying to have adultery legitimized, [[AllForNothing and in the end I'm actually past the point of wanting to do any adultery.]]
** Which begs the question of what Jon has to show for his character's life of sex and human sacrifice, which he can also answer:
--->'''Jon:''' Sixteen ''very good'' children, some of these kids are actually very, very good indeed. This is my heir, he's looking pretty good, not spectacular. I have got ten million flipping alliances and so many unmarried daughters [[AltarDiplomacy I could generate more any time I flipping want to.]] I have got stats of an emperor, since every single child and every single one of my friends is just contributing to my stats. So basically, yeah, it was WorthIt. Unless you were one of the people I sacrificed, in which case, it wasn't.
** "And thus, ladies and gentlemen, did the great king learn that in fact familly ''was'' everything, and children somehow ''could'' make you all-powerful. And that's all we're going to remember - we're going to sweep a fair bit of the rest of it under the rug, that's fine, not a problem, we'll just kind of skirt around the details, shall we say."
* ''Crusader Kings III - A Practical Guide to Torture, Madness and Profit''
** Jon decides to do a video playing as Duke Bertrand II of Provence, an Occitan ruler caught between French and Holy Roman politics, but who is well-suited for letting Jon explore the new schemes and plots available to an Intrigue focus.
--->'''Jon:''' He may be a ''terrible'' diplomat, a poor military leader, a ''catastrophically'' incompetent administrator, and none too bright either, ''but'', but-but-but, [[ManipulativeBastard he is the most cunning bastard who ever bastarded.]] [...] A knife in every study, a rose in every bedchamber, a chain in every dungeon! Oh, it's going to be some good, dirty fun today!
** Bertrand's brother-in-law is second in line to inherit the Duchy of Toulouse, which would make Bertrand's sister a duchess and thus increase the Renown of House Bosonid. "So that, my good man, means yeah, it's time for our first murder. It's not gonna be our last, though, not by a long shot."
** Jon manages to kill the duke by agitating a peasant riot, with the happy side effect of getting his agents hanged in the process.
--->'''Jon:''' Dead men tell no tales. Goodbye you stupid losers, shouldn't have trusted someone who blatantly looks evil.
** Thirty minutes into the episode, after the birth of Bertrand's son, Jon realizes he should have assigned a guardian to his first child.
** Jon gets the [[MysteryMeat "Evening Meal"]] event, he assures himself that he "didn't ''necessarily'' [[TheSecretOfLongPorkPies eat children]]," considers becoming a cannibal anyway because it sounds fun, and ultimately decides the incident is a good excuse to try out the torture mechanics.
** The first obstacle to Jon seducing a guest is Bertrand's Zealous trait, because evidently "I'm fine with the ''murder'' sin, [[ValuesDissonance but the seduction sin is too far!"]] The bigger issue may be that...
--->'''Jon:''' "I'm not attracted to..." wait, what?!\\
(''SmashCut to Jon hovering over Bertrand's sexual orientation on his character sheet'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, I may have come across [[IncompatibleOrientation a small roadblock]] in my plan to seduce women and have more children.
** Forty-five minutes into the episode, Jon remembers to hit the Barbershop and customize his character with an appropriate [[BeardOfEvil scheming goatee.]]
** The Holy Roman Empire predictably explodes after losing a war with France, and Jon joins a faction and demands independence. His request is denied and Jon finds himself at war with the two-year-old Emperor Heinrich V.
--->'''Jon:''' Somehow a ''baby'' has ended up on the throne and is really annoyed with me, for uh, trying to do this. So the baby has written me a very eloquent letter, I imagine it was written by his regent, but you know what, maybe not? Maybe I'm about to go to war with a ''genius baby''. So that's fine, that's all absolutely A-OK. Can we murder the genius baby, by the way?
** "Oh gosh darn it, Barral [the cannibal] died befoer I remembered to flipping torture him again. So now I need to find someone else to torture. Okay guys, when we storm the castle, and you find anyone inside, bring them back to the actual dungeons, because we kind of need them."
** After winning a siege and taking some captives, Jon's hit with the dilemma of whether to torture them for Intrigue experience and potential Dark Insights, or ransoming them for gold.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, but... I mean... [[TakeAThirdOption why not both?]] [...] They're actually worth the same amount of money now as before I whipped them. Okay, you know what, that's perfectly acceptable. They are very, ''very'' keen to be ransomed by their dad.
** "Another siege leads to yet! More! Prisoners! Good, we have captured somebody's stepdaughter, his - ooh, yeah, that's the - oh. He's a baby." (''beat'') "Like... in ''some'' ways, you probably shouldn't torture babies. Okay, you ''can't'' Torture babies. [-You ''can'' Execute them, though...-] That's... that's got to be - okay, that would generate a fair amount of Dread. People are pretty scared of the person who murders a baby. But the only people who seem to actually ''mind'' would be his family, and I don't really ''care'' what this guy thinks, so... [-Okay, just in theory, how much would he pay for it? 50 gold. That's alright.-] That's okay, you can have him back for 50 gold. Honestly, I feel like I should be asking for more."
** Then Bertrand's brother-in-law, who he helped become Duke of Toulouse behind the scenes, declares war over the Prince-Bishopric of Viviers. Jon responds by forming the duchy of Viennois, which includes the disputed county, keeps the title for himself, starts a plot to assassinate the count with the claim, and plays defense while the plot progresses.
--->'''Jon:''' ''Oh flipping dear!'' It would appear your stupid war is over! That's ''such a shame'' that you're unexpectedly dead. Sorry, I'm just going to enjoy standing on my hill that still belongs to me, because an army five times my flipping side couldn't flipping take it! Now that, ''that's'' the power of murder!
** Since he's distributed his Intrigue perks across three different skill trees, Jon decides to "embrace the madness" and put Bertrand through a mental break to reset his skill trees and specialize in one, which generates a ton of Stress. One thoughtless remark at dinner later, and...
--->'''Jon:''' I just started weeping openly in the middle of court. Brilliant. What does it matter, don't care, everything's under control because my stats are ''through the flipping roof!''
** Unfortunately, high stats don't prevent certain max-Stress events from firing.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, so my Intrigue's looking very good, but on the other hand, [[OffingTheOffspring I'm planning to murder my son,]] because I've become convinced that all the bad things are down to two things - it's either my son, or squirrels. So either my son dies, [[CaptainObvious and that's probably a bad thing,]] to be honest, in many ways. ''Or'', alternatively, the squirrels, ''they'' did it, at which point I become a Lunatic, which seems... honestly, not even that bad! I can live with that!\\
(''GilliganCut to "You have died."'')\\
'''Jon:''' Okay, on the ''other'' hand, possibly, repeatedly running myself around at the highest imaginable level of Stress, while insane and paranoid, I can see how that would have been quite bad for my health, yes. So, ''okay'', that - there are downsides to the "embracing chaos and let's all live in madness strategy," not going to deny.
** So Jon continues on as Dauphin Otton of Provence, who could try a different approach to ruling, "like ''not'' being a monster." He tries to Sway the neighboring Count Artau of Lyon to make him a VoluntaryVassal, which goes in an uncomfortable direction.
--->'''Jon:''' Okay, this wasn't ''entirely'' what the original plan was, but I've invited Count Artau 'round for tea, and he wants to have [[RomanticCandlelitDinner a private dinner with my mum,]] which... [[ParentWithNewParamour apparently would stress me out,]] a bit, but he would have a ''really'' nice time. So I'm just gonna assume this is fine and say yes, because he's really starting to come around to me. Okay, my mum will agree that [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain we're just never going to acknowledge what just happened again.]]
** [[ShaggyDogStory And then everything is derailed and the episode ends with an unexpected war declaration.]]
--->'''Jon:''' And so as my capital is burnt to the ground by Lapland, which decided to, you know, just come on a nice holiday to the south of France... to be honest, fair enough. That's ''Crusader Kings III'', everyone!

[[/folder]]

** Leon's wife Pavlina gives him a puppy, and Jon vows to break from his [[TheBluebeard past]] [[YourCheatingHeart behavior]] towards his ''CK II'' spouses.

--->'''Jon:''' Bear in mind, this is actually, yeah, the son of the previous king. So I did kind of steal his throne. And rob him of his birthright. And take half his land off of him. And, you know, kind of indirectly murdered his father. But he's actually at, um, +45 with me. Because you know, there's gavelkind succession, "the liege is kind," that counts for something, that's... [-also, hang on, "Cheery?"-] Oh, because I'm currently Cheerful, because [[YourCheatingHeart I had sex with a random woman in the woods]], he actually likes me ''more'' because of the level of cheerfulness.

** "Also, slightly awkward moment - my allies to the north are sort of attacking my liege right now. Doesn't seem to be to reflect particularly badly on me. He hasn't invited me [to help], understandably, so I'm just going to stay where I am and not say anything."

** Jon notices that Countess Bothid actually accompanied Olaf on the looting and pillaging, and declares "This has become a really wholesome viking raid."

** While Jon's planning a conquest of Finland while they're weak, he notes a "fairly major event I apparently completely missed," Lappland's conquest of Wolin, a war which has dragged in Sweden, Denmark, and Croatia, "because why wouldn't they be?"

** When Jon captures some Finnish courtier named Nydog, Jon remarks "You know what's fun about prisoners? We believe in HumanSacrifice!" But then he notices the guy has an Intrigue of 20, and can be force the guy into his court...
--->'''Jon:''' I could recruit you, demand your conversion, gain a weak Hook over you, and you my friend could be the best Spymaster I ever had. I mean, [Intrigue] 20... welcome the flip aboard! Okay, now ''admittedly'', he does ''slightly'' hate me for the moment, but that's going to start going up very, very fast indeed. I'm not gonna make him Spymaster ''just'' yet, not just yet, but keep an eye on him, he could be very useful once he, you know, chills out.

** "Also, I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I just, um, had a quick look around Europe. So, Hungary's been getting, y'know, hungry in regards to some of its neighbors. So... I think they ate Poland while no one was looking."
** Half an hour after dragging Nydog to his court by force, Jon asks himself why he did that when he already has a competent Spymaster who ''doesn't'' actively hate him.

** An event where Jon's army get split up and lost, or hits the pub instead of the rally point, leads to Olaf learning a Martial lifestyle perk from the experience. "In fact I got two of them, because apparently I forgot to actually, y'know, spend the last one."
** After years rooting for the King of Sweden to pop out heirs, Jon now is thinking about when his liege should have an "accident" to split his domain up for easy pickings.

--->'''Jon:''' Um, I'm gonna be honest, this is a slightly embarrassing start for Count Olaf. 'cause it turns out you can't raid your own [neighboring vassals'] territory, you're only allowed to raid ''foreigners''' territory. So as a result of that, we all put on our spiky Viking helmets that totally we're actually a thing, that's complete nonsense, it's ahistorical and didn't happen - um, and came down to this republic, and now we're just sort of standing around, not sure what to do. This is probably very embarrassing to our religion. (''to Olaf'') This here, this is why you don't get a hat!

[[folder:''Crusader Kings II'' - The Restoration of Rome]]

** He sets his sights on a courtier with the Giant trait, "which the game sort of seems to be selling as a bad thing. No, we will read a race of super-giants, it's going to be ''amazing!"''

** He starts off the video with a disclaimer that Paradox was sponsoring the video and that "I don't know why to be honest, I would have payed them."
** The first thing he does in the game is divorce his wife so that he can marry a new, better wife. He then almost immediately takes his ex in as a concubine because there aren't that many eligible women in his court.
---> '''Jon''': I'm going to be honest, Christmas ''will'' be awkward this year, yes.
** This leads to Jon musing that having multiple wives would be very useful in his day-to-day life, prompting an ImagineSpot in which he and his wives (one of which is ''Mattophobia'') are recording a ''VideoGame/KnightsOfTheOldRepublic'' video, but take so long introducing themselves that they run out of time and never get a chance to show any actual gameplay.
---> '''Jon''': Okay nevermind, that sounds like a bad idea. Let's never consider that again.
** When Jon decides to pivot from the Family focus to Seduction.