History Funny / JimGaffigan

20th Mar '17 3:49:53 PM StarTropes
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to:

* Hot Pockets!
--> '''Jim''': ''(reading off a box of Hot Pockets)'' '''WARNING:''' You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer. You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event.\\
'''Hypothetical Audience Member''': I ''like'' NASCAR. He's a jerk.
21st Dec '16 7:42:14 AM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

** And candles:
--> '''Jim''': Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting ''you'' next Christmas: This.
7th Nov '16 8:27:40 PM speedyboris
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* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!

to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!




to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
7th Nov '16 8:01:16 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

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--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! '''PHIL!!!''' Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
7th Nov '16 8:00:47 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
31st Oct '16 10:27:25 AM speedyboris
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to:

* His bit about fish:
--> '''Jim''': How can you tell when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way. "Well, this smells like a dumpster. Let's eat it!"
* "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."



* "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
31st Oct '16 10:20:19 AM speedyboris
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to:

* His bit about receiving presents, especially a flask:
--> '''Jim''': I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying, "Hey, you seem like a drunk on the go! You strike me as needing hard liquor at all times. It'd be good for you in your car."
5th Oct '16 10:00:32 AM speedyboris
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to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
5th Oct '16 9:59:30 AM speedyboris
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to:

** Then when he stumbles through a Bible reading:
--> '''Jim''': Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!
5th Oct '16 8:53:06 AM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': "It's only twenty minutes a day." [[NoJustNoReaction That's too many.]]

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--> '''Jim''': "It's only twenty minutes a day. Just twenty minutes a day." [[NoJustNoReaction That's Yeah, that's too many.]]
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.JimGaffigan