History Funny / JimGaffigan

7th Nov '16 8:27:40 PM speedyboris
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* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!

to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!




to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
7th Nov '16 8:01:16 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! '''PHIL!!!''' Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
7th Nov '16 8:00:47 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
31st Oct '16 10:27:25 AM speedyboris
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to:

* His bit about fish:
--> '''Jim''': How can you tell when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way. "Well, this smells like a dumpster. Let's eat it!"
* "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."



* "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
31st Oct '16 10:20:19 AM speedyboris
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to:

* His bit about receiving presents, especially a flask:
--> '''Jim''': I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying, "Hey, you seem like a drunk on the go! You strike me as needing hard liquor at all times. It'd be good for you in your car."
5th Oct '16 10:00:32 AM speedyboris
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to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
5th Oct '16 9:59:30 AM speedyboris
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to:

** Then when he stumbles through a Bible reading:
--> '''Jim''': Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!
5th Oct '16 8:53:06 AM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': "It's only twenty minutes a day." [[NoJustNoReaction That's too many.]]

to:

--> '''Jim''': "It's only twenty minutes a day. Just twenty minutes a day." [[NoJustNoReaction That's Yeah, that's too many.]]
26th Sep '16 1:36:38 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': "I would ''never'' go to [=McDonalds=]." Well, [=McDonalds=] wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a dick."

to:

--> '''Jim''': "I would ''never'' go to [=McDonalds=]." Well, [=McDonalds=] wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a dick."
26th Sep '16 9:58:32 AM speedyboris
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---> '''Jim''': Well, I could go jogging, or I could go to Subway and have a meatball sub.' What level of delusion are we in, where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger? It's like, how do you make a meatball sub? You roll five hamburgers into balls, cover them in cheese, and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers. Eat Fresh!

to:

---> '''Jim''': Well, I could go jogging, or I could go to Subway and have a meatball sub.' What level of delusion are we in, where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger? It's like, how do you make a meatball sub? You roll five hamburgers into balls, cover them in cheese, and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers. Eat Fresh!Fresh!

!!Obsessed:
* His bit about weddings:
--> '''Jim''': "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. ''[referring to eating an entire ice cream pint by himself]'' Don't you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you ''promise''-! [[VerbalBackspace I still don't want to go.]]" How would attending a wedding, why would that be an incentive? It's like, "Don't you die! In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. And we're a bunch of weirdos. Weddings ''are'' kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? It's like, "Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, and we'll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation."
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.JimGaffigan