History Funny / JimGaffigan

8th Dec '17 8:13:12 AM SN1063
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--> '''Jim''': Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!



--> '''Jim''': Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting ''you'' next Christmas: This.

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting ''you'' next Christmas: This.



--> '''Jim''': They sell six billion hamburgers a day, there's only 300 million people in this country. It's like, "Hmm, I'm not a calculus teacher... but I think everyone's lying."

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': They sell six billion hamburgers a day, there's only 300 million people in this country. It's like, "Hmm, I'm not a calculus teacher... but I think everyone's lying."



--> '''Jim''': Sometimes, there's a loose fry in the bag. You know, the bonus fry. It's like Jesus is up in Heaven: "Give 'em an extra fry. He'll pay it forward." By the way, that's how Jesus sounds. Or at least I hope. You wouldn't wanna meet Jesus and He's like, ''(thick Southern accent)'' "HEY Y'ALL, HOW YA DOIN'?! YOU BEEN TURNIN' THAT OTHER CHEEK? I GAVE YOU THAT BONUS FRY FOR A REASON!"

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': Sometimes, there's a loose fry in the bag. You know, the bonus fry. It's like Jesus is up in Heaven: "Give 'em an extra fry. He'll pay it forward." By the way, that's how Jesus sounds. Or at least I hope. You wouldn't wanna meet Jesus and He's like, ''(thick Southern accent)'' "HEY Y'ALL, HOW YA DOIN'?! YOU BEEN TURNIN' THAT OTHER CHEEK? I GAVE YOU THAT BONUS FRY FOR A REASON!"



--> '''Jim''': "I would ''never'' go to [=McDonalds=]." Well, [=McDonalds=] wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a dick.

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': "I would ''never'' go to [=McDonalds=]." Well, [=McDonalds=] wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a dick.



--> '''Jim''': But Jared, he's hung in there, you know? He's kept the weight off. He's been their spokesman for so long, there are kids who didn't even know about the fat Jared. My 10-year old nephew thought he was the ''owner'' of Subway. I was like, "No, he was a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies and now he's thin." Even my nephew was like, "Well, that's bullshit."

to:

--> ---> '''Jim''': But Jared, he's hung in there, you know? He's kept the weight off. He's been their spokesman for so long, there are kids who didn't even know about the fat Jared. My 10-year old nephew thought he was the ''owner'' of Subway. I was like, "No, he was a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies and now he's thin." Even my nephew was like, "Well, that's bullshit."
25th May '17 9:04:33 PM speedyboris
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*

to:

* On going to steak houses:
25th May '17 9:04:22 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': You have to understand: My role models were the grandparents in that movie, ''Charlie and the Chocolate Factory''. I remember watching that movie as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents in bed and thinking, "I like these people." I like what they're all about! They were in bed ''full time''! "What if we did this 'til we died?" They weren't even watching television, they were looking at the other grandparents! "How's your bed?" "It's good, it's the same as your bed." They were so into bed- they lived in poverty- their grandson got a golden ticket, where he could win an entire chocolate factory, and only one of the grandparents got out of bed. The other three were like, "Eh, good luck, Charlie. You win the factory, make me a chocolate bed. Ehhhhh."

to:

--> '''Jim''': You have to understand: My role models were the grandparents in that movie, ''Charlie and the Chocolate Factory''. I remember watching that movie as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents in bed and thinking, "I like these people." I like what they're all about! They were in bed ''full time''! "What if we did this 'til we died?" They weren't even watching television, they were looking at the other grandparents! "How's your bed?" "It's good, it's the same as your bed." They were so into bed- they lived in poverty- their grandson got a golden ticket, where he could win an entire chocolate factory, and only one of the grandparents got out of bed. The other three were like, "Eh, good luck, Charlie. You win the factory, make me a chocolate bed. Ehhhhh."
*
--> '''Jim''': I love goin' to a steak house, one of those old fashioned steak houses, you go in there, it's dimly lit, the waiters are no-nonsense: ''(in really gruff voice)'' "You're gettin' a steak, son! You want a steak, right?" "Yes, ma'am, I want a steak.
"
25th May '17 8:40:53 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': It's not like I wasn't exposed to it; when I was growing up, they were like "Learn the Metric system, everyone will learn the Metric system, big change comin' up!" Then ten years later, they were like, "Ha! Nevermind! It's too hard, it's based on tens!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': It's not like I wasn't exposed to it; when I was growing up, they were like "Learn the Metric system, everyone will learn the Metric system, big change comin' up!" Then ten years later, they were like, "Ha! Nevermind! It's too hard, it's based on tens!"tens!"
* On ''Willy Wonka'':
--> '''Jim''': You have to understand: My role models were the grandparents in that movie, ''Charlie and the Chocolate Factory''. I remember watching that movie as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents in bed and thinking, "I like these people." I like what they're all about! They were in bed ''full time''! "What if we did this 'til we died?" They weren't even watching television, they were looking at the other grandparents! "How's your bed?" "It's good, it's the same as your bed." They were so into bed- they lived in poverty- their grandson got a golden ticket, where he could win an entire chocolate factory, and only one of the grandparents got out of bed. The other three were like, "Eh, good luck, Charlie. You win the factory, make me a chocolate bed. Ehhhhh."
10th May '17 3:14:21 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. ''[referring to eating an entire ice cream pint by himself]'' Don't you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you ''promise''-! [[VerbalBackspace I still don't want to go.]]" How would attending a wedding, why would that be an incentive? It's like, "Don't you die! In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. And we're a bunch of weirdos. Weddings ''are'' kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? It's like, "Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, and we'll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation."

to:

--> '''Jim''': "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. ''[referring to eating an entire ice cream pint by himself]'' Don't you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you ''promise''-! [[VerbalBackspace I still don't want to go.]]" How would attending a wedding, why would that be an incentive? It's like, "Don't you die! In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. And we're a bunch of weirdos. Weddings ''are'' kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? It's like, "Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, and we'll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.""

!!CINCO:
* Grumlbing about the Metric system:
--> '''Jim''': It's not like I wasn't exposed to it; when I was growing up, they were like "Learn the Metric system, everyone will learn the Metric system, big change comin' up!" Then ten years later, they were like, "Ha! Nevermind! It's too hard, it's based on tens!"
20th Mar '17 3:49:53 PM StarTropes
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to:

* Hot Pockets!
--> '''Jim''': ''(reading off a box of Hot Pockets)'' '''WARNING:''' You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer. You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event.\\
'''Hypothetical Audience Member''': I ''like'' NASCAR. He's a jerk.
21st Dec '16 7:42:14 AM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

** And candles:
--> '''Jim''': Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting ''you'' next Christmas: This.
7th Nov '16 8:27:40 PM speedyboris
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* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!

to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!




to:

* Speaking of going to church:
--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
7th Nov '16 8:01:16 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! '''PHIL!!!''' Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
7th Nov '16 8:00:47 PM speedyboris
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--> '''Jim''': I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"

to:

--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!! Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
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