History Funny / HalfInTheBag

'''Jay''': No!

--->'''Mike''': [[OurLawyersAdvisedThisTrope Our lawyers would like us to read this statement before we proceed...]] ''(reads)'' "Creator/AdamSandler [[TakeThat is a hack fraud con man.]]"\\
'''Jay''': Oh, no, no, that's the wrong note.\\
'''Mike''': Oh, it's the other note from the lawyer?\\
'''Jay''': ''(hands note)'' This is the one we're supposed to read. [[BlatantLies I'll cut that part out.]]\\
'''Mike''': Okay. ''(reads)'' "Adam Sandler is a ''horrible'' con man..."\\
'''Jay''': Oh, no, that's the wrong one too.\\
'''Mike''': How many wrong notes are there?\\
'''Jay''': I don't know how these all got mixed up in here, but... Let me see... Try this one. I think this is it. ''(hands note)''\\
'''Mike''': ''(reads)'' "We, Jay and Mike of ''Half in the Bag'', [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial are not accusing Adam Sandler or any of his cohorts...]]" Wait. ''(erases word)'' "... or his ''associates'' of any criminal wrongdoing. These are merely the opinions of Mike and Jay." Okay! Um... Oh, he stole all the money and embezzled it to all of his friends.

-->'''Jay''': The funny thing is, for a number of years - after seeing ''Film/{{Zardoz}}'' - I thought that ''was'' a ''Film/JamesBond'' movie. So going into this one, it was horribly disorienting to not see Creator/DanielCraig in a diaper.\\

'''Jay''': I thought that was Q!

'''Jay''': No!\\

'''Jay''': I... I would.

-->'''Jay:''' "Hey Mike, didn't ''you'' go missing for a few days last week? And you ''have'' been complaining about how much your ass hurts."
-->'''Mike:''' ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTKw5yxARHc&t=155s [slide whistle as Mike comically frowns into the camera]]]''

-->'''Mike:''' John Carter is based on a series of novels by author Creator/EdgarRiceBurroughs, and tells the tale of John Carter from Jasoom, who travels to Barsoom, meets Tharks, and is entangled in a war to stop Sab Than, the Jeddak of Zodongo. But Matai Shang, a Hekkador and leader of the Therns, is manipulating Sab Than into conquering the Heliums, and into marrying Dejah Thoris, a Jeddak Preddak Plag. But Tars Tarkas Sarkoja, Sola, and Woola the Calot are out to stop Sab Than and Matai Shang from crabdangoing the frango changs... plingo plango bopthorkis frango frang.
-->'''Jay:''' ... What?
-->'''Mike:''' Oh that was the plot.
-->'''Jay:''' All that stuff you just said.
-->'''Mike:''' Yeah, you saw the movie, didn't you?

--> ''In this movie, [[Film/MagicMike Magic]] [[Creator/ChanningTatum Mike]] and Creator/JamieFoxx pretend to be characters in a movie that is about as plausible as a [[Creator/RolandEmmerich Roll-and Emmerick]] film. Creator/JamieFoxx plays President James Washington, the President of the United States. The White House [[Film/IndependenceDay gets blowed up]], and Magic Mike protects him by shooting the bad guys with his gun. Also his little daughter is in daaangerrr, and he wants to prove that he's a good father. Has this plot been done before!? [[Film/OlympusHasFallen I don't think so!]] Thanks Roll-and Emmerick! I hope someone shoves a club up your ass! [[{{Corpsing}} (quietly dies of laughter off camera)]]''

* The conversation about the baby from ''Film/{{Twilight}}'', especially Mike's reaction to realizing that Jacob fell in love with the baby. His reaction is even funnier when you remember he said he had no idea what going on in the movie earlier.
-->'''Mike''': I'm hoping the reason was artistic, like we want the baby's face to look like the little girl's face, not we don't feel like having a baby on set. And we're just gonna get a rubber thing that looks like a baby and imprint a face on it. Because a baby means, I don't know, you have to...\\
'''Jay''': ''(nonchalantly)'' You have to have baby insurance.\\
'''Mike''': You have to have baby insurance, you know. What if someone drops the baby? The actor drops the baby, you know.\\
'''Jay''': Or maybe they couldn't find any parents that would allow their child to be featured in a film where Creator/TaylorLautner wanted to fuck a baby.\\
'''Mike''': ''([[SpitTake spits out his beer]])'' Was that what happened?!\\
'''Jay''': Um-hm. Taylor Lautner was in love with the little CGI baby face.\\
'''Mike''': [[SoBadItsGood Holy Shit! I love this movie!]]

--->'''Jay''': Hey, didn't you [Rich] died?\\
'''Rich''': Almost, you see, I was floating on that giant bouncy castle way up high in the sky, and there I was, riddled with bullets, my body was slowly bleeding to death, I was about to breathe my last breath, when suddenly--\\

--> '''Mike:''' "I tell ya Jay, this new ''Film/SuicideSquad2016'' movie makes me wanna grab some rope, get a chair, go up into my attic, and commit [[LastSecondWordSwap to learning all the nautical rope knots]]. You know, like anchor bend. Bowline. Bowline on a bite. Bunt line hitch. Butterfly knot. Carrick bend. Heaving line knot. Icicle hitch. Midshipman's hitch. Mooring hitch. Rolling hitch. Running bowline. Sailor's coil. Stevedore stopper knot. Trucker's hi-" (cuts to the trailer).[[note]]Bonus points for Mike saying each knot style ''alphabetically''.[[/note]]

* The terrible dullness of ''Film/ShutIn'' (and so many other boring cheap thrillers with two-word titles that only take place inside a house) inspires Mike and Jay to pitch [[https://youtu.be/tSEqVqmYhrk "The Inside"]], a StrictlyFormula horror movie about a mother and her young son moving into town, the creepy neighbor[=/=]crossing guard next door literally named RedHerring, and an old rat-eating lady living inside the walls with her husband's bones. The music, sound effects and camera filters they add really sell it.

-->'''Rich''': Star Destroyers! I'm gonna cum!

-->'''Mike''': No.

--->'''Mike's girlfriend''': You wanna do it?\\
'''Mike''': This reminds me of the Star Trek episode where...

-->'''Darren Aronofsky''': "Yeah yeah I-uh I thought about makin' a movie about [[GreenAesop the earth or something]], [[WorldOfSymbolism I put some religious shit in there]]. There's this thing called Literature/TheBible and it's got a bunch of stories in there. Uh, your fare's $22!"

'''Jay:''' ''(Laughs)''
--->'''Mike:''' I mean it's such a shame. It's like someone shot [[Music/TheBeatles John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison]] all in one night.
--->'''Rich:''' ''(Laughs)''\\

-->'''Mike''': In this fifth ''Franchise/JurassicPark'' installment, which is a sequel to the soft reboot of ''Film/JurassicPark'' called ''Film/JurassicWorld'', ''Jurassic World 2: Fallen Kingdom'' is a soft reboot itself of ''[[Film/TheLostWorldJurassicPark Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World]]''. This film, which was not directed by Colin Trevorrow, reunites us with Creator/BryceDallasHoward's character, "Lady™", from the last movie and Creator/ChrisPratt's character, "Owen Thunderguns". In this film, the [[WhiteMaleLead white cis male]], his [[SatelliteLoveInterest complicit, characterless female love interest]], and two comic relief [[TokenMinority diversity hires]] go back to the island Isla Nublar in order to save some dinosaurs from an exploding volcano.

* Rich Evans, Mike, and Jay watch all three ''Film/{{Transformers}}'' movies at the same time. Not only do they [[StrictlyFormula recycle similar scenes from the previous film]], but they even happen around the exact same time.

*** They discuss the casting of Tye Sheridan as Parzival, who spends much of his on-screen time wearing his VR visor, and how he also played Cyclops in the newer ''Franchise/XMen'' [[Film/XMenApocalypse movies]]. They then come to the conclusion that Sheridan is being typecast as a mouth and no eyes.

*** Mike mentions that he's such a [[MaryTzu genius tactician]] MartyStu in the books that it reminded him of the time travel pre-planning jokes in ''Film/BillAndTed''.

* In the video for ''Film/TheCloverfieldParadox'' and discussion of Netflix, Mike keeps referring to ''Film/{{Room}}'' as ''Film/TheRoom2003'', leading to him calling ''The Room'' a great movie. Eventually he catches himself.

* In the video for ''Film/TheCloverfieldParadox'' and discussion of Netflix, Mike keeps referring to ''Film/{{Room}}'' as ''Film/TheRoom'', leading to him calling ''The Room'' a great movie. Eventually he catches himself.

'''Mike:''' ''Film/FastAndFurious9''. ''[beat]'' Just watch a Wes Anderson film, they're all the same.\\

--->'''Rich:''' ''(as [Yoda]])'' Yoda want blue milk!

* Their review of ''Film/GrownUps 2''. It starts with the two of them ''praising'' the movie, then two minutes in, [[spoiler: [[BloodyHilarious the blood starts coming]].]]

** "''Grown Ups 2'' is like [[spoiler:eating rat poison]]. [[CrossesTheLineTwice It really is a good idea.]]"

** During the trio's watching of the first three ''Transformers'' films, [[https://youtu.be/G5FiU-F31Ro Mike says at the ending of]] ''Film/TransformersDarkOfTheMoon'': "Oh, this is where Optimus Prime just murders [[[spoiler:Sentinel Prime]]]." Rich, who had started chuckling during the scene saying, "Oh, they have '''''blood''''' now?!", starts laughing uproariously after Optimus' BoomHeadshot and doesn't stop. It's glorious.
--->'''Jay:''' Is this real life?
--->'''Mike:''' He was begging for help...
--->'''Jay:''' And Optimus just shot him in the face!
--->'''Mike:''' (imitating [[spoiler: Sentinel]]) "No Optimus, Nooo!" (Mimes Optimus shooting him in the back of the head)

** However, things take a [[MoodWhiplash dramatic turn]] when Rich Evans appears and [[spoiler: Jay begins firing at Rich with a revolver, recreating an [[WhyWontYouDie overly long and overly campy]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAdniWncWu4 death scene]], with Rich being accompanied by a [[PornStache Sam Elliot-esque mustache]].]]

'''Jay''': Whatever he says is gonna be really stupid.\\
'''Rich''': My floating bouncy castle bumped into a UFO!\\
'''Jay''': What he said was really stupid.

* At the start of their ''Film/StarTrekBeyond'' review, they find out that new [=VCRs=] are no longer being built, and decide that that means [[InsaneTrollLogic customers will be in need of repairs more than ever]]. After the review is finished, they both sit back and wait for customers to start rolling in. Jay plays with his phone and reads a magazine, Mike sits around and eventually starts [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext eating pieces of a Star Trek board game]], and they barely say a word. This goes on for nearly [[OverlyLongGag thirty minutes]], in real time. Then, the phone rings, Mike picks it up and responds with a few uh-huhs and yeps, [[spoiler:and then says it was a wrong number]]. SmashCut to credits.

** A youtube comment sums up Mike's love of Star Trek best:
--->'''Mike's girlfriend''': You wanna do it?
--->'''Mike''': This reminds me of the Star Trek episode where...

** For those who don't want to watch it, the video has [[spoiler: two completely different people posing as Mike and Jay (Jim and Colin, from previous videos on the channel) have a brief conversation about the film and its Rotten Tomatoes score. The two then awkwardly drink beer as sound effects from the film, as well as the occasional [[WesternAnimation/TheTransformers original transformation sound]], play in the background. Cue credits and [[OverlyLongGag 18 minutes]] of a black screen.]]
** Two days later, a ''re:View'' episode on the film was released. [[spoiler: Shortly after the intro, Jim says "Fuck this," and the video proceeds exactly like the ''Half in the Bag'' episode, complete with most of the video being a black screen.]]
** Then comes a [[spoiler: Plinkett review of ''The Last Knight'', which consists of Plinkett describing the film as a mess that is catered towards "weird, confused Chinese people." Then he declares that he's not gonna bother and promptly ends the video... [[RuleOfThree leaving about 57 minutes of a black screen]].]]

*** Not to mention that the thumbnail that shows up when he says this makes it absolutely clear that they're mocking WebVideo/ChrisStuckmann. [[spoiler:A point that is further underlined when, while displaying the anomalous collection of early positive reviews for ''Annabelle: Creation'', they slowly zoom in on one in particular. Chris Stuckmann's.]]

-->'''Darren Aronofsky''': "Yeah yeah I-uh I thought about makin' a movie about [[spoiler:[[GreenAesop the earth or something]], [[WorldOfSymbolism I put some religious shit in there]]. There's this thing called Literature/TheBible and it's got a bunch of stories in there.]] Uh, your fare's $22!"

** They discuss the irony of [[spoiler:[[DiedDuringProduction Leia being the one to outlive Luke and Han.]]]]
--->'''Rich:''' They gambled wrong there, didn't they?
--->'''Jay:''' ''(Laughs)''

--->'''Rich:''' ''(Laughs)''
--->'''Mike:''' Mark David Chapman had a machine gun.
** Mike stating, backed with creepy music, he might be suffering dementia because after seeing the thong-dancing gnome from the ''WesternAnimation/SherlockGnomes'' trailer, he somehow remembered ''[[spoiler:Yoda]]'' dancing in front of a fire wearing a thong. Jay and Rich agree he's ready for the old age home.
** In a mixture of humor and exasperation, Mike struggling to figure out why [[spoiler:Yoda]] is acting like [[spoiler:"Crazy Yoda"]] from ''Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack'' [[spoiler:(when he was ObfuscatingInsanity)]]. Rich states that there will be standalone film about [[spoiler:Yoda's college fraternity days]] that will explain everything.
--->'''Rich:''' ''(as [[spoiler:Yoda]])'' [[spoiler:Yoda]] want blue milk!

---->'''Mike''': Check it out!

---> '''Jay''': ''[[Film/Halloween2018 Halloween]]'' is the sequel to ''[[Film/Halloween1978 Halloween]]'', but not the sequel to ''[[Film/Halloween2007 Halloween]]''. Technically it's ''Halloween 2'', but ignores the events of ''[[Film/HalloweenII1981 Halloween 2]]'', and ''[[Film/HalloweenII2009 Halloween 2]]''. It's the first ''Halloween'' film to bring back Creator/JamieLeeCurtis, except for ''[[Film/HalloweenII1981 Halloween 2]]'', ''[[Film/HalloweenH20TwentyYearsLater Halloween 7]]'', and ''[[Film/HalloweenResurrection Halloween 8]]''. But finally the series has brought back Creator/JohnCarpenter in some capacity for the first time, except for ''[[Film/HalloweenII1981 Halloween 2]]'', and ''[[Film/HalloweenIIISeasonOfTheWitch Halloween 3]]''. It's also the first ''Halloween'' film to ignore the previous films in the franchise's timeline, except for ''[[Film/HalloweenIIISeasonOfTheWitch Halloween 3]]'', ''[[Film/Halloween4TheReturnOfMichaelMyers Halloween 4]]'' which ignores ''[[Film/HalloweenIIISeasonOfTheWitch Halloween 3]]'', ''[[Film/HalloweenH20TwentyYearsLater Halloween 7]]'', which ignores ''[[Film/HalloweenIIISeasonOfTheWitch Halloween 3]]'', ''[[Film/Halloween4TheReturnOfMichaelMyers Halloween 4]]'', ''[[Film/Halloween5TheRevengeOfMichaelMyers Halloween 5]]'', and ''[[Film/HalloweenTheCurseOfMichaelMyers Halloween 6]]''. But aside from all that, it's a totally fresh and new start for the ''Halloween'' franchise!
---> '''Mike''': [[LampshadeHanging Only you could have written that.]]

-->'''Jay''': ''Film/{{Mulan|2020}}'', cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': ''Film/{{Candyman|2021}}'', cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Jay''': ''Film/WonderWoman1984'', cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': ''Film/AQuietPlacePartII'', cancelled due to [[https://nypost.com/2020/05/22/john-krasinski-slammed-as-sellout-for-cashing-in-on-some-good-news John Krasinski.]]\\
'''Jay''': ''Film/TheFrenchDispatch'', directed by Creator/WesAnderson, cancelled due to coronavirus. Just watch one of his other movies, they're all the same.\\
'''Mike''': ''Film/FastAndFurious9''. ''[beat]'' Just watch a Wes Anderson film, they're all the same.\\
'''Jay''': ''Film/{{Black Widow|2021}}'', cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': ''Film/{{Spiral|2021}}''... a new ''Franchise/{{Saw}}'' movie starring Creator/ChrisRock?\\
'''Jay''': ''[[Film/VenomLetThereBeCarnage Venom 2]]'', cancelled due to who cares.\\
'''Mike''': ''Film/{{Antebellum}}''... ''[shrug]'' I don't know what it is, but it's never coming out. Somebody made it, and it's never coming out.

'''Jay:''' ... ''[[{{Corpsing}} (laughs)]]''

'''Jay:''' ''[[{{Corpsing}} (laughs)]]''

'''Mike:''' ''[[{{Corpsing}} (Starts laughing)]]''

** Mike predicts Episode IX will involve [[SarcasmMode a spherical superweapon that destroys planets]]. Later, Rich states that Episode X will be how the offspring of the third trilogy repeat the same plots as previous films, and the new Death Star will be the size of Jupiter, with the DeathRay coming out of the Big Red Spot, destroying [[UpToEleven half the galaxy]].

--> ''In this movie, [[Film/MagicMike Magic]] [[Creator/ChanningTatum Mike]] and JamieFoxx pretend to be characters in a movie that is about as plausible as a [[Creator/RolandEmmerich Roll-and Emmerick]] film. Creator/JamieFoxx plays President James Washington, the President of the United States. The White House [[Film/IndependenceDay gets blowed up]], and Magic Mike protects him by shooting the bad guys with his gun. Also his little daughter is in daaangerrr, and he wants to prove that he's a good father. Has this plot been done before!? [[Film/OlympusHasFallen I don't think so!]] Thanks Roll-and Emmerick! I hope someone shoves a club up your ass! [[{{Corpsing}} (quietly dies of laughter off camera)]]''

* In Mike and Jay's "Fuck You, It's January" video for 2017, Jay calls ''Film/xXxReturnOfXanderCage'' "the most anticipated movie of [[TakeThat 2004]]!"

* In Mike and Jay's "Fuck You, It's January" video for 2017, Jay calls ''Film/XXxReturnOfXanderCage'' "the most anticipated movie of [[TakeThat 2004]]!"

** FunnyBackgroundEvent: Plinkett cursing out his sister is ActuallyPrettyFunny if you pay attention to their arguing.

* They end their review on ''Film/BlackWidow2021'' by asking their viewers to dislike the video, just for shits and giggles and to confuse people who don't watch the whole thing. Look at the ratio and you'll see that the [=RedLetterMedia=] fanbase are an obliging bunch.

** They discuss the irony of [[spoiler:[[AuthorExistenceFailure Leia being the one to outlive Luke and Han.]]]]

*** In the end he winds up recommending the ''WesternAnimation/DungeonsAndDragons'' cartoon over the film.

* They end their review on ''Film/BlackWidow'' by asking their viewers to dislike the video, just for shits and giggles and to confuse people who don't watch the whole thing. Look at the ratio and you'll see that the [=RedLetterMedia=] fanbase are an obliging bunch.

'''Jay''': ''Film/{{Venom|2018}} 2'', cancelled due to who cares.\\
'''Mike''': ''Antebellum''... [shrug] I don't know what it is, but it's never coming out. Somebody made it, and it's never coming out.

'''Mike''': ''Film/{{Spiral|2020}}''... a new ''Franchise/{{Saw}}'' movie starring Creator/ChrisRock?\\

-->'''Jay''': [[Film/Mulan2020 Mulan]], cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': [[Film/Candyman2020 Candyman]], cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Jay''': Film/WonderWoman1984, cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': Film/AQuietPlacePartII, cancelled due to [[https://nypost.com/2020/05/22/john-krasinski-slammed-as-sellout-for-cashing-in-on-some-good-news/ John Krasinski.]]\\
'''Jay''': Film/TheFrenchDispatch, directed by Creator/WesAnderson, cancelled due to coronavirus. Just watch one of his other movies, they're all the same.\\
'''Mike''': Film/FastAndFurious9. [beat] Just watch a Wes Anderson film, they're all the same.\\
'''Jay''': [[Film/BlackWidow2021 Black Widow]], cancelled due to coronavirus.\\
'''Mike''': [[Film/Spiral2020 Spiral]]... a new Saw movie starring Chris Rock?\\
'''Jay''': [[Film/Venom2018 Venom 2]], cancelled due to who cares.\\
'''Mike''': Antebellum... [shrug] I don't know what it is, but it's never coming out. Somebody made it, and it's never coming out.

* The ''Film/JackAndJill'' review ends with Plinkett's ''craaazzzy'' twin sister coming to stay. And lots of ProductPlacement. Mike's expression when tentatively nibbling the Dunkin' Donuts is particularly priceless.

** "Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Whatever. And then somebody farts."

--> ''In this movie, [[Film/MagicMike Magic]] [[Creator/ChanningTatum Mike]] and JamieFoxx pretend to be characters in a movie that is about as plausible as a [[Creator/RolandEmmerich Roll-and Emerick]] film. Creator/JamieFoxx plays President James Washington, the President of the United States. The White House [[Film/IndependenceDay gets blowed up]], and Magic Mike protects him by shooting the bad guys with his gun. Also his little daughter is in daaangerrr, and he wants to prove that he's a good father. Has this plot been done before!? [[Film/OlympusHasFallen I don't think so!]] Thanks Roll-and Emmerick! I hope someone shoves a club up your ass! [[{{Corpsing}} (quietly dies of laughter off camera)]]''

* Mike making fun of nerdy comic book fans complaining that the ending of ''Film/SupermanII'' was boring compared to ''Film/ManOfSteel'', before [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbsRfRmL5Kc going into a stream of consciousness rant]] about Mandarin's [[TheReveal reveal]] in ''Film/IronMan3''.

* Comic Book Writer Rich's rant at the end of ''The Amazing Spider-Man 2'' review about his comic ''Horse Ninja'', and how the film will star Scarlet Johannsen in a role named "Love Interest" and how she's going to fuck a horse in it.

--->'''Jay''': Didn't you [Rich] died?\\

'''Jay''': Whatever he says it's gonna be really stupid.\\

** The way they keep slurring the title down until it's just "[=PalBlarMarBlarp=]."

** When listing all of the sequels coming out in 2017, Jay mentions ''[[Film/TransformersTheLastKnight Transformers 5]]'', and simply says "This is all your fault. Just stop going to them." Mike adds "We're talking about you, Chinamen" [[[CrossesTheLineTwice gong sound]]]

** The description of the film as "[[Recap/TheSimpsonsS10E2TheWizardOfEvergreenTerrace Homer's makeup shotgun]]" from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons''.

* The ''Film/Halloween2018'' review starts with freakin '''Creator/MacaulayCulkin''' showing up (playing Mike and Jay's boss, Tim)... who then futzes off into the corner doing absolutely nothing while Mike and Jay review the movie. At the end of the episode, he castigates them for not soaking Plinkett ''enough'' for money.

** They corpse again when ''WesternAnimation/TheCloneWars'' version of Grand Moff Tarkin is inserted into the trailer, mocking the ConspicuousCGI Tarkin in the film.

'''Jay''': [[Film/BlackWidow2020 Black Widow]], cancelled due to coronavirus.\\