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Changed line(s) 67 (click to see context) from:
* "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
to:
* "Holy "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncnRn1ziIFY Holy crip, he's a crapple!"crapple!]]"
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Changed line(s) 597 (click to see context) from:
* In the pre-intro scene, Peter is watching Creator/DennisMiller do a bit where he trails off into SesquipedalianLoquaciousness. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant"]].
to:
* In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-Mz_rDeP04 pre-intro scene, scene]], Peter is watching Creator/DennisMiller do a bit where he trails off into SesquipedalianLoquaciousness. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant"]].
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Changed line(s) 8 (click to see context) from:
* Peter [[FreudianSlipperySlope trying to keep his job loss a secret]] from Lois.
to:
* The various deadly [[MyLittlePanzer "toys"]] that [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfSgEZID1cA end up in the hands of children]] thanks to Peter's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbGeLjPzjoE negligence at his job]] (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* Peter [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyzIJ_yadA4 trying]] to [[FreudianSlipperySlopetrying to keep his job loss a secret]] from Lois.
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* Peter [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyzIJ_yadA4 trying]] to [[FreudianSlipperySlope
Changed line(s) 14,16 (click to see context) from:
* The various deadly [[MyLittlePanzer "toys"]] that end up in the hands of children thanks to Peter's negligence at his job (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey man, your clock won't flush!"
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey man, your clock won't flush!"
to:
* The various deadly [[MyLittlePanzer "toys"]] that end up in the hands of children thanks to Peter's negligence at his job (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey"[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCRpTK4nXnc Hey man, your clock won't flush!"flush!]]"
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey
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Changed line(s) 546 (click to see context) from:
* Stewie playing ''Pictionary'' with the family that's [[ItMakesSenseInContext prematurely moved into the Griffins' house]]:
to:
* [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VbOPpgrTXh8 Stewie playing playing]] ''Pictionary'' with the family that's [[ItMakesSenseInContext prematurely moved into the Griffins' house]]:
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Changed line(s) 427,428 (click to see context) from:
* Peter coming up with a LineOfSightAlias to explain why he's in the rehab cafeteria, and somehow manages to still say his real name. How? By spotting a "pea" on a dish, a "tear" running down a girl's face, and [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers an]] ''[[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers actual griffin]]'' flying through the cafeteria.
-->'''Peter:''' Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
-->'''Peter:''' Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
to:
-->'''Peter:''' Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...[[OhCrap aw
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Changed line(s) 132 (click to see context) from:
* The parody of ''Series/TheDickVanDykeShow'', which involves the main character simply tripping over an ottoman, then falling on a glass table and getting impaled by the shards, getting hit in the face with a clothing iron, stumbling into the kitchen and slipping on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falling onto and breaking the kitchen table, opening a drawer and getting his face stabbed with utensils, before finally a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. Francis then changes the channel:
to:
* The parody [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OsSJnV7Ik9o parody]] of ''Series/TheDickVanDykeShow'', which involves the main character simply tripping over an ottoman, then falling on a glass table and getting impaled by the shards, getting hit in the face with a clothing iron, stumbling into the kitchen and slipping on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falling onto and breaking the kitchen table, opening a drawer and getting his face stabbed with utensils, before finally a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. Francis then changes the channel:
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Changed line(s) 35 (click to see context) from:
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7rbG3ggdYk This]] Franchise/ScoobyDoo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Creator/FrankWelker voicing Fred.
to:
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7rbG3ggdYk [[https://mobile.twitter.com/RefGarnet/status/1131411937269637126 This]] Franchise/ScoobyDoo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Creator/FrankWelker voicing Fred.
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Deleted line(s) 713,717 (click to see context) :
* The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can {{shapeshift|ing}}, Chris has [[PlayingWithFire pyrokinesis]], Stewie has an enlarged brain and telekinesis, Brian has SuperSpeed, Lois has SuperStrength... and [[ButtMonkey Meg]] can make her fingernails grow out.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
Changed line(s) 725 (click to see context) from:
to:
* The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can {{shapeshift|ing}}, Chris has [[PlayingWithFire pyrokinesis]], Stewie has an enlarged brain and telekinesis, Brian has SuperSpeed, Lois has SuperStrength... and [[ButtMonkey Meg]] can make her fingernails grow out.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in toxic waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in toxic waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
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Changed line(s) 279,280 (click to see context) from:
** And while Peter and Lois kiss, the former keeps replaying Lois' "you shoulda told me" on the tape.
to:
** And while Peter and Lois kiss, the former kisses Lois, he keeps replaying Lois' "you shoulda told me" on the tape.
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Changed line(s) 251 (click to see context) from:
to:
* Peter's nonchalant reaction to falling through his own stairwell and getting stuck.
--> '''Peter:''' Hey, Lois? Have you seen my fake beard? ''(crunch)'' Oh, crap. I'm stuck in the stairs.
--> '''Peter:''' Hey, Lois? Have you seen my fake beard? ''(crunch)'' Oh, crap. I'm stuck in the stairs.
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Changed line(s) 66 (click to see context) from:
* Peter's pitch for a new toy: ''[[Series/TheFactsOfLife Facts of Life]]'' Franchise/{{Transformers}}. His figure of Blair has two alt modes, one where she's simply fatter and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from ''Franchise/JurassicPark'' and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
to:
* Peter's pitch for a new toy: ''[[Series/TheFactsOfLife Facts of Life]]'' Franchise/{{Transformers}}.Life]] Franchise/{{Transformers}}''. His figure of Blair has two alt modes, one where she's simply fatter and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from ''Franchise/JurassicPark'' and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
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Changed line(s) 653 (click to see context) from:
to:
* Stewie attempting to play a French horn. He blows so hard he winds up farting.
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Changed line(s) 571 (click to see context) from:
'''Stewie:''' [[TakeThat You suck!]] [shuts the door]
to:
'''Stewie:''' [[TakeThat You suck!]] [shuts ''[shuts the door]door]''
Changed line(s) 575 (click to see context) from:
''(a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over)''\\
to:
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* When the Griffins move into their temporary home, the kids open the closet and inside is Creator/JeffFoxworthy.
-->'''Foxworthy:''' You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.\\
'''Stewie:''' [[TakeThat You suck!]] [shuts the door]
-->'''Foxworthy:''' You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.\\
'''Stewie:''' [[TakeThat You suck!]] [shuts the door]
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Changed line(s) 677 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Cardinal:''' Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.\\
to:
Changed line(s) 679,681 (click to see context) from:
* The pope throws his clothes on the floor* \\
'''Cardinal:''' Pope! The floor is not a hamper! \\
'''Pope:''' ''Man!''
'''Cardinal:''' Pope! The floor is not a hamper! \\
'''Pope:''' ''Man!''
to:
'''Cardinal:''' Pope! The floor is not a
'''Pope:'''
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Changed line(s) 374 (click to see context) from:
''(nobody raises their hand except Peter)''\\
to:
''(nobody raises their hand except Peter)''\\Peter's grandfather)''\\
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Changed line(s) 189 (click to see context) from:
* The slides in the timeshare presentation initially start off normal, until they randomly show the property as having [[OurOgresAreHungrier ogres]] attacking and eating the residents.
to:
* The slides in the timeshare presentation initially start off normal, until they randomly show the property as having an [[OurOgresAreHungrier ogres]] ogre]] attacking and eating the residents.
Changed line(s) 195 (click to see context) from:
* When Chris suggests writing a letter to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, Peter said he tried that once and it got him in a lot of trouble. We then cut to Peter writing a letter saying, "If you don't put ''Series/{{Coach}}'' back on the air, I'll be very upset. The skillful acting of Creator/CraigTNelson will be missed a lot." But then he accidentally spills white-out on the letter, making it now read, "If you dont put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson," right before Peter sticks it in an envelope. In the next scene, Craig T. Nelson appears on Peter's doorstep. He then hands Peter a gun and tells him to "Make it quick."
to:
* When Chris suggests writing a letter to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, Peter said he tried that once and it got him in a lot of trouble. We then cut to Peter writing a letter saying, "If you don't put ''Series/{{Coach}}'' back on the air, I'll be very upset. The skillful acting of Creator/CraigTNelson will be missed a lot." But then he accidentally spills white-out on the letter, making it now read, "If you dont don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson," right before Peter sticks it in an envelope. In the next scene, Craig T. Nelson appears on Peter's doorstep. He then hands Peter a gun and tells him to "Make it quick."
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Changed line(s) 360,361 (click to see context) from:
* The end of the episode sees Peter [[StatusQuoIsGod gain all of the weight he lost back]] by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car [[ContrivedCoincidence into a conveniently located lard factory]]. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" And then the episode just ''stops.'' [[note]]Commentary reveals that the writers ''did'' have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him [[LampshadeHanging outright declaring]] his AesopAmnesia was funnier.[[/note]]
to:
* The end of the episode sees Peter [[StatusQuoIsGod gain all of the weight he lost back]] by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car [[ContrivedCoincidence into a conveniently located lard factory]]. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" [[NoEnding And then the episode just ''stops.just]] ''[[NoEnding stops]].'' [[note]]Commentary reveals that the writers ''did'' have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him [[LampshadeHanging outright declaring]] his AesopAmnesia was funnier.[[/note]]
[[/note]] If you ever wanted to sum this show up to someone who'd never seen it, this would be the perfect scene to do so.
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Changed line(s) 345,346 (click to see context) from:
* Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts to Peter with this without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without-- holy crap, it's Peter.
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without-- holy crap, it's Peter.
to:
* Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts starts to Peter with this tell who he presumes is a stranger to get out and, [[BreathlessNonSequitur without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
expression]], realizes what's going on.
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in herewithout-- without holy crap, it's Peter.
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in here
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Changed line(s) 78,79 (click to see context) from:
''Because he always puts Skippy in my lunch.''
to:
*The children sitting opposite Peter are shown to have blank, confused stares* \\
Changed line(s) 82 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Peter:''' [[LampshadeHanging Oh come on, that one's not even real!]]
to:
-->'''Peter:''' [[LampshadeHanging Oh Oh, come on, that on! That one's not even real!]]
Changed line(s) 215,217 (click to see context) from:
* The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its hand instead of kissing it.
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songs of, in turn, ''Series/OneDayAtATime'', ''Series/DiffrentStrokes'', and ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'', ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songs of, in turn, ''Series/OneDayAtATime'', ''Series/DiffrentStrokes'', and ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'', ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"
to:
* The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its his hand instead of kissing it.
him.
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songsof, in turn, of ''Series/OneDayAtATime'', ''Series/DiffrentStrokes'', and ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'', ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'' in turn, ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songs
Changed line(s) 240 (click to see context) from:
* The [[TheTeaser cold opening]] of the episode has Peter painting alongside ''Series/TheJoyOfPainting'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70OQN_MK5K8 which takes one hell of a sudden turn.]]
to:
* The [[TheTeaser cold opening]] of the episode has Peter painting alongside along with ''Series/TheJoyOfPainting'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70OQN_MK5K8 which takes one hell of a sudden turn.]]
Changed line(s) 672 (click to see context) from:
'''Peter:''' [[DelayedReaction We can go to KISS-Stock!!]]\\
to:
'''Peter:''' [[DelayedReaction [[TheLastHorseCrossesTheFinishLine We can go to KISS-Stock!!]]\\
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** When Brian and Stewie first enter Italy, The Pope acts like a teenage boy.
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*The pope throws his clothes on the floor* \\
'''Cardinal:''' Pope! The floor is not a hamper! \\
'''Pope:''' ''Man!''
'''Cardinal:''' Pope! The floor is not a hamper! \\
'''Pope:''' ''Man!''
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Changed line(s) 444 (click to see context) from:
* [[BadLiar Peter]] coming up with an excuse to skip work for a baseball game: he was in a plane crash that killed his whole family and left him a vegetable. When Brian tells him that his excuses are lamer than [[UsefulNotes/FranklinDRoosevelt FDR]]'s legs, everyone gasps in shock, prompting Brian to ask "{{Too soon}}?"
to:
* [[BadLiar Peter]] coming up with an excuse to skip work for a baseball game: he was in a plane crash that killed his whole family and left him a vegetable. When Brian tells him that his excuses are lamer than [[UsefulNotes/FranklinDRoosevelt FDR]]'s legs, [[DudeNotFunny everyone gasps in shock, shock]], prompting Brian to ask "{{Too soon}}?""Too soon?"
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* During the B-plot scavenger hunt, Lois and the kids are trying to figure out how to get the clue [[CrazyPrepared at the top of a greased flagpole.]] Chris comes up with a solution which makes sense in spirit, but not quite the execution.
-->'''Chris''': Don't worry. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You have to counterbalance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so! ''[[UseYourHead (headbutts the flagpole base]] [[RealityEnsues and knocks himself unconscious)]]''
-->'''Chris''': Don't worry. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You have to counterbalance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so! ''[[UseYourHead (headbutts the flagpole base]] [[RealityEnsues and knocks himself unconscious)]]''
Changed line(s) 496 (click to see context) from:
* In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through UsefulNotes/SouthCarolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of [[UsefulNotes/KuKluxKlan Klansmen]]. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
to:
* In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through UsefulNotes/SouthCarolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of [[UsefulNotes/KuKluxKlan Klansmen]]. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, [[TheDitz but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, ghosts]], causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
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Changed line(s) 545 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Stewie:''' Oh, I am sorry.
to:
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Changed line(s) 528,529 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Meg:''' The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly, and its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. {{Gasp}} Oh wait, that's not the moon -- it's Neil Goldman's face!
to:
-->'''Meg:''' The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly, and its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. {{Gasp}} ''({{Gasp}})'' Oh wait, that's not the moon -- it's Neil Goldman's face!
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Changed line(s) 527 (click to see context) from:
to:
* Meg's BaitAndSwitch junior anchor report on the moon turning out to be a way to address the incident with Neil, spoken over a photo of him initially shown in extreme closeup, has some of Creator/MilaKunis's best delivery in the series:
-->'''Meg:''' The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly, and its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. {{Gasp}} Oh wait, that's not the moon -- it's Neil Goldman's face!
-->'''Meg:''' The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly, and its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. {{Gasp}} Oh wait, that's not the moon -- it's Neil Goldman's face!
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Changed line(s) 34 (click to see context) from:
* When a mob comes after Peter and Meg when they crash into the transmitter, Peter convinces them to take pity on Meg because [[BlatantLies she got her arm shot off in Vietnam]]. They believe him, despite Meg very clearly having both of her arms.
to:
* When a mob comes after Peter and Meg when they crash into the transmitter, Peter convinces them to take pity on Meg because [[BlatantLies she got her arm shot off in Vietnam]]. They believe him, despite Meg very clearly having both of her arms.arms and being too young to have been in Vietnam.
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Changed line(s) 404 (click to see context) from:
to:
* To get Peter drunk before the competition, Lois takes him to a party. When the police arrive and question Peter why he's drinking illegally, he tells Lois to [[LookBehindYou look over there]] and then tells the two officers to run. They fall for it.
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Changed line(s) 402 (click to see context) from:
-->''What do get when you're STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.''
to:
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Changed line(s) 388 (click to see context) from:
* Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Creator/SethGreen affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy EvilBrit accent while spouting Stewie-esque AxCrazy [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon threats]] is ''hysterical''. The "''Family Guy'' Cast and Creator" episode of ''Inside The Actor's Studio'' reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
to:
* Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Creator/SethGreen affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy EvilBrit accent while spouting Stewie-esque AxCrazy [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon threats]] is ''hysterical''. The "''Family Guy'' Cast and Creator" episode of ''Inside The the Actor's Studio'' reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
* After admitting that he lied about the last Silver Scroll being found so he can find it himself, Tom punishes himself by putting a live earwig in his ear. Nothing happens for a few seconds, then Tom takes a deep inhale and starts screaming bloody murder as it [[EyeScream eats out the back of his eyes]].
* The first use of the "Sssss, aaaah!" OverlyLongGag and its subsequent shorter use later in the episode. Unlike some other {{Running Gag}}s on the show, it doesn't veer into OverusedRunningGag territory.
* The first use of the "Sssss, aaaah!" OverlyLongGag and its subsequent shorter use later in the episode. Unlike some other {{Running Gag}}s on the show, it doesn't veer into OverusedRunningGag territory.
Changed line(s) 397 (click to see context) from:
* The whole ''Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory'' spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
to:
* The whole ''Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory'' spoof.[[CharlieAndTheChocolateParody spoof]]. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
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[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder: Season One]]
!!1. - Death Has a Shadow
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjSTbVgIsWQ Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream]]. Also check out how his eyes change size[[labelnote:*]]Okay, this was more being OffModel than anything, but still[[/labelnote]].
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlcZ2zXvLgM Peter seeing]] ''Film/{{Philadelphia}}'' after having an Irish coffee.
* Peter [[FreudianSlipperySlope trying to keep his job loss a secret]] from Lois.
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, Lois, the lost-my-job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
-->'''Lois:''' Peter, are you feeling OK?
-->'''Peter:''' I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.
* Peter taking the family out for the most expensive meal they've ever had: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQF10YgDFBk ordering six thousand chicken fa-jie-tas at a fast food drive-thru.]]
** [[LampshadeHanging "And a so-sauge McBiscuit, please."]]
* The various deadly [[MyLittlePanzer "toys"]] that end up in the hands of children thanks to Peter's negligence at his job (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey man, your clock won't flush!"
* This exchange:
--> '''Peter:''' I feel kinda bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.\\
'''Quagmire:''' Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.\\
'''Peter:''' ''(cheers up)'' Gee, I never thought of it like ''that''!
* After losing his job, Peter tries to avoid letting Lois see him not at work by disguising himself as a lamp and standing in the corner of the living room.
!!2. - I Never Met the Dead Man
* The entirety of Stewie's war against broccoli.
-->'''Stewie:''' (after Lois tries to get him to eat it by pretending it's an airplane) Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
* Peter's trip to the American Southwest:
-->'''Peter:''' Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?\\
'''Wile E. Coyote:''' No.\\
'''Peter:''' Are you sure?\\
'''Wile E. Coyote:''' Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
* While Peter is teaching Meg how to drive, they get into a race with an Amish man who jumps out of his carriage when a wheel comes loose and it careens off the road. [[MadeOfExplodium It explodes]] [[EveryCarIsAPinto like a real car,]] [[RuleOfFunny then the horse that was pulling it follows suit]]. Peter then criticizes Meg for not flipping the driver off.
* The new FOX reality show: ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vihBGUuGCNo Fast Animals, Slow Children.]]''
* When Meg fails her driving test, Peter tries to comfort her by saying that he's had his share of disappointments; in a cutaway of Meg being born, the doctor informs Peter that she's a girl, and Peter, who was evidently hoping for a boy and is carrying a bunch of sporting equipment, asks him to check again.
* When a mob comes after Peter and Meg when they crash into the transmitter, Peter convinces them to take pity on Meg because [[BlatantLies she got her arm shot off in Vietnam]]. They believe him, despite Meg very clearly having both of her arms.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7rbG3ggdYk This]] Franchise/ScoobyDoo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Creator/FrankWelker voicing Fred.
* Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog, before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston.
* When Brian scoffs at Peter claiming to give up TV cold turkey, he reminds him of the time Peter tried to give up eating candy...in Film/{{Willy Wonka|AndTheChocolateFactory}}'s factory:
-->'''Wonka:''' I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?\\
'''Peter:''' (swollen up and blue like Violet in the movie) [[ImplausibleDeniability No]].\\
'''Wonka:''' I'm just asking--\\
'''Peter:''' What, are you calling me a liar?\\
'''Wonka:''' No, I'm just saying--\\
'''Peter:''' Hey, shut up, Wonka!
* The cutaway of a young Peter trying to sneak into an R-rated movie [[MobileShrubbery disguised as a shrub]].
* At the Bavarian Folk Festival, there are two booths selling German bratwurst and Polish sausage. Suddenly, [[ThoseWackyNazis the bratwurst vendor knocks the sausage vendor out and steals his stand]], then a nearby Czech wiener vendor looks uncomfortable.
!!3. - Chitty Chitty Death Bang
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKmH0CBlfzE Peter's version of how he accidentally canceled the reservation for Stewie's birthday party at Cheesie Charlie's.]]
-->'''Boy at the prize counter (Timmy):''' I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough?\\
'''Man behind counter:''' Oh I'm sorry, Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.\\
''(The man presses a button causing Timmy to fall down a trapdoor screaming)''
** Before the flashback itself, Brian pulls up a stool, mentioning how "these things are always good." And when Lois ends the flashback, Brian sarcastically applauds Peter, calling him "the Spaulding Gray of crap."
* Peter getting a literal "big ass" pinata.
-->'''Brian:''' ''(sighs)'' [[DeadpanSnarker I sure hope candy]] [[ToiletHumour comes out of that.]]
!!4. - Mind Over Murder
* Stewie crying out in pain from teething, and Lois' nonchalant reaction to it.
--> '''Stewie:''' *Yelling from his bed* DAMN IT TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL! \\
'''Lois:''' *In the living room* Well, the baby's up.
* [[Series/SesameStreet Bert]] as [[Series/NYPDBlue Sipowitz]], bare-assed and all.
-->'''Ernie:''' Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.\\
'''Bert:''' Well, Ernie, ''I'' wish you wouldn't eat cookies '''in the damn bed!'''
** Even funnier, there actually ''is'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh7RbjHqs_g a "cookies in bed" sketch]], which ends with Ernie and Bert in the same bed.
!!5. - A Hero Sits Next Door
* Peter's pitch for a new toy: ''[[Series/TheFactsOfLife Facts of Life]]'' Franchise/{{Transformers}}. His figure of Blair has two alt modes, one where she's simply fatter and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from ''Franchise/JurassicPark'' and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
* "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
* This exchange:
-->'''Baseball Player 1:''' Hey, you want some gum?\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' Sure, thanks!\\
'''Baseball Player 1:''' Ha ha, that was joke gum!\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' Whaddya mean?\\
'''Baseball Player 1:''' Now you're addicted to heroin!\\
''(both laugh)''\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' ''(starts shivering)'' I-I'm cold...
* Peter singing to kids at Sunday school and improvising after he forgets the words:
-->''Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch,''\\
''Because he always puts Skippy in my lunch.''
!!6. - The Son Also Draws
* Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, [[ColdTurkeysAreEverywhere the world seems to want to remind him that:]] They pass by sign saying "Dump, next left," a truck with the sign "WIDE LOAD," a furniture store with sign saying "All stools must go!", another car with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu", and a sign reading [[EuphemismBuster "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces."]]
-->'''Peter:''' [[LampshadeHanging Oh come on, that one's not even real!]]
* "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
* The cutaway of Peter and Chris trying to get into the fair by wearing a horse costume.
-->'''Peter:''' One, please.\\
''(Chris, the tail end, sneezes)''\\
'''Ticket salesman:''' Hey wait a second, your ass just sneezed! [[CaptainObvious And horses can't talk! No no no, nothing about this adds up at all!]]
* "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! ''*reverses into the car behind*'' And, uh... neither will that guy. ''*drives off the right way*''
* One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
-->'''Tree:''' Stupid bastard!
* After Peter tells the casino owners that he saw a spirit vision:
--> '''Leonard''': Man, I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean sure, this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity. But what is the price of our souls?\\
'''Guy''': $6 million a week.\\
'''Leonard''': That sounds right. ''(to Peter)'' Here, take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet.
!!7. - Brian: Portrait of a Dog
* At the dog show, when the announcer points out how hot it is, a bird bursts into flames.
* "What did you see? Was it breasts?"
* With Brian gone, the Griffins get a cat at Stewie's suggestion. Naturally, [[CatsAreMean it's pretty mean]].
-->'''Peter:''' (as the cat pulls on his eyelids) [[PunctuatedForEmphasis "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."]]
* In jail, Brian's cellmate is a non-sentient dog who wants to kill him. Brian distracts him to perform a GroinAttack, only to find that he's been neutered.
* To save Brian from being executed, Peter mails Creator/RichardDeanAnderson a rubber band, a paper clip and a straw so he can {{MacGyver|ing}} a solution. Anderson uses them to make a sort of slingshot and [[EyeScream hits himself in the eye]] with the rubber band.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Season Two]]
!!8. - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater
* Peter's recount of being with Lois's parents during the holidays. Carter drops a pocketwatch near the fireplace and asks Peter to pick it up before kicking him into said fireplace and [[ManOnFire setting him on fire]], then tries to "put him out" by hitting him with a piece of firewood while Babs just laughs.
* Peter goes into an angry spiel upon hearing Lois' aunt is coming over. When she chastises him, he retorts by saying "sometimes it's okay to swear."
-->'''Bailiff:''' [[SubvertedTrope Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?]]\\
'''Peter:''' I do.\\
'''{{beat}}'''\\
'''Peter:''' ''(sternly)'' [[DoubleSubversion You bastard.]]
* At Aunt Margerite's wake, Lois reveals that she left the Griffins something in her will. Peter ''takes Margerite's corpse out of the casket and starts dancing with it.'' He quickly stops when he realizes:
--> '''Peter''': [[CaptainObvious Oh my God. She's dead.]]
* Stewie orders one of his butlers to bring him his copy of the Wall Street Journal, then orders two other butlers to fight to the death. They do so without question.
* Brian has Peter hooked up to a machine that shocks him if he watches the right TV (tuned to ''Ricki Lake''). The left TV has ''Series/{{Frasier}}''.
--> '''Niles''': Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa, you sit ''around'' the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa.\\
'''Peter''': Huh. This ''is'' the smartest show on TV.\\
'''Guy''': Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend! She ain't supposed to be havin' no penis!\\
''(Peter glances right and is immediately zapped)''
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OH1IilFRN94 Brian getting drunk off his ass.]]
* When Peter is being thanked by the auctioneer for a ridiculously generous bid, he compares him to "the most generous man since Ted Turner."
-->'''Ted Turner:''' Uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate: I've colorized the moon.
* To pay off his bid, Peter tries to make Cherrywood look like a historical landmark so he can sell it. To this end, he makes it looks like Jesus wrote "Jesus was here" 51 years before he was born, then claims that a large hole in the wall is [[LiteralMinded where the stock market crashed in 1929, a toy train under the floorboards is]] UsefulNotes/HarrietTubman's Underground Railroad, and that a regular rock is where the pilgrims landed at Series/FraggleRock.
!!9. - Holy Crap
* Being a devout Catholic, Francis has never liked the fact that Lois is Protestant; in a flashback of Peter and Lois after their wedding, it's shown that under the "Just Married" sign on their limousine, he taped a sign adding "To a Protestant whore".
* As Francis was never around for Peter during the latter's childhood, a flashback shows Peter having gotten 3rd place in a father-son three-legged race that he had to run with [[CompanionCube a stalk of corn]].
* After Francis lulls Stewie to sleep by reading him a passage of the Bible, Brian brings up God telling Abraham to kill Isaac. We're treated to UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln shooting Isaac Hayes to death, causing a woman nearby to gasp in shock.
* Francis is grilling Peter on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "[[Literature/CuriousGeorge Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital?]]"
* The parody of ''Series/TheDickVanDykeShow'', which involves the main character simply tripping over an ottoman, then falling on a glass table and getting impaled by the shards, getting hit in the face with a clothing iron, stumbling into the kitchen and slipping on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falling onto and breaking the kitchen table, opening a drawer and getting his face stabbed with utensils, before finally a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. Francis then changes the channel:
-->'''Lois:''' Francis, we were watching that.\\
'''Francis:''' Well, I'll tell you how it ends: Laura burns the roast, and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants.
* Franchise/{{Superman}} in Hell:
-->'''Peter:''' ''(after seeing [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler Hitler]], John Wilkes Booth, and UsefulNotes/AlCapone sitting alongside Superman)'' What are you doing here?\\
'''Superman:''' I killed a hooker. She made a crack about [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre me being faster than a speeding bullet]], so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
* When Peter realizes that The Pope is in town, this happens:
-->'''Peter:''' [[ZanyScheme I just got a crazy idea!]]\\
''[[SubvertedTrope (pulls out waffle iron and jams his hand in it)]]''\\
'''Peter:''' '''AGH! AGH! WHY!? WHY!?''' ''(pulls it out)'' [[DoubleSubversion I just got another crazy idea!]] ''(runs off)''
!!10. - Da Boom
* The fact that the very ''apocalypse'' was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A flautist, Peter!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt55S85k2z0 Peter attempting to feed]] beans to [[Series/MagnumPI Thomas Magnum]] through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up onscreen. Seth [=MacFarlane=] has said that this is his favorite moment of the show.
** It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
* Peter eats an entire year's worth of dehydrated meals and complains that he's still hungry, then drinks a glass of water and expands. He then tells everyone present to leave because he has to poop, but when they don't comply, he yells "NOW!" and they all run away.
* When a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
-->'''Joe:''' ''BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!''
** The best bit? He shows back up later in the episode, dug up from the asphalt completely unharmed. ''[[CrazyAwesome HE]] [[OffscreenMomentOfAwesome WON.]]''
!!11. - Brian in Love
* The cutaway of the Griffins, Cleveland, and Quagmire staging an intervention for Peter when he's spent the last eight months wearing a giant foam cowboy hat.
* When Brian watches ''Series/ThePriceIsRight'' with Bob Barker giving his "spay and neuter your pets" sign-off, Brian mutters "Oh, just die already".
* Peter looks for a potty-training book for Stewie. The salesman offers him "Everybody Poops" and the less popular "Nobody Poops But You", then when Peter says that he's Catholic, the salesman offers him "You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming out the Back of You".
* Apparently, Peter never learned how to use a toilet by himself until after he got married.
* "Oh my God! You can talk!"
** Brian's apathetic reaction to the aforementioned line is even more hilarious.
* Brian goes skydiving, but before he jumps his instructor realizes that he gave him a parachute bag full of silverware. He gives Brian another bag... with an anvil, which the instructor says is probably fine.
* Brian has a drive out in the woods, but then accidentally hits a guy coming out of nowhere with his car. When he jumps out to help him:
-->'''Brian:''' Oh my God! Are you Creator/StephenKing?\\
'''Man:''' No, I'm Creator/DeanKoontz.\\
'''Brian:''' ''(uninterested)'' Oh.\\
''(Brian walks back to his car... [[TakeThat then runs over Koontz once more, then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)]]''
* The cutaway of Peter going to a drive-in movie theater, but he has his car parked backward so he can't see the screen and declares "This sucks!"
!!12. - Love Thy Trophy
* Peter's theme for a parade float is based on the ''Series/WhosTheBoss'' episode "Briefless Encounter" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. When Lois says that it might be esoteric, a board of directors in Peter's brain try to decipher the meaning of "esoteric" and agree that [[IsItSomethingYouEat it means delicious]].
-->'''Peter:''' Lois, ''Who's the Boss?'' is not a food.\\
'''Brian:''' Swing and a miss.
* Stewie at Flappy Jack's:
-->'''Stewie:''' Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
* [[ItMakesSenseInContext Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.]]
-->'''Stewie:''' I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? [[TorosYFlamenco Yo quiero]] pancakes! [[GayParee Donnez moi]] pancakes! [[DarkestAfrica Click click]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice bloody click]] pancakes!
* The part where Stewie manipulates the other children into fighting and then gloats about it:
-->'''Stewie:''' Dance, puppets, ''dance''!
!!13. - Death Is a Bitch
* When Peter has a breast cancer scare, he refuses to see a doctor and tells Lois that they should just ignore it like they do with the squid. The camera zooms out to show [[ElephantInTheLivingRoom a squid seated at their kitchen table]] who violently yanks the tablecloth off along with everything on it, which Lois and Peter respectfully pretend was an earthquake and a truck going by.
** Later when Death tells Peter that he has to take his place until Death's ankle heals, the camera dramatically zooms in on the Griffins, [[BrickJoke then the squid]].
* Death himself solemnly explains the necessity of dying and brings up the idea of a world if Adolf Hitler was still alive. [[MoodWhiplash Cut to Hitler hosting a talk show]] where he interviews Creator/ChristianSlater and asks to see his ass, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-[[SuddenlyShouting DU WERDEST EINE]] [[GratuitousGerman KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN]][[labelnote:*]]"You will need a nurse!"[[/labelnote]]."
!!14. - The King Is Dead
* Peter walks in on Tom Tucker doing a seductive pose to himself in the mirror. Tom repeatedly stammers "Get out of here!" and trips over a chair in the process.
* Peter's [[InNameOnly version]] of ''Theatre/TheKingAndI''. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (Then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
* "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
!!15. - I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar
* The slides in the timeshare presentation initially start off normal, until they randomly show the property as having [[OurOgresAreHungrier ogres]] attacking and eating the residents.
* "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
* The time [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vXbmlOPPoQ Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mujdL2BX2w Peter trying to breastfeed Stewie.]]
!!16. - If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
* When Chris suggests writing a letter to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, Peter said he tried that once and it got him in a lot of trouble. We then cut to Peter writing a letter saying, "If you don't put ''Series/{{Coach}}'' back on the air, I'll be very upset. The skillful acting of Creator/CraigTNelson will be missed a lot." But then he accidentally spills white-out on the letter, making it now read, "If you dont put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson," right before Peter sticks it in an envelope. In the next scene, Craig T. Nelson appears on Peter's doorstep. He then hands Peter a gun and tells him to "Make it quick."
* Peter's first attempt to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel un-canceled:
-->'''Peter:''' Well, until you put'' Gumbel 2 Gumbel ''back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Peter:''' You gonna eat that stapler?\\
'''Executive:''' You can't eat a stapler...\\
'''Peter:''' Wanna split it?
* At a meeting at NBC headquarters, one of the execs protests that everything they come up with is the same generic thing and suggests they come up with something new. In response, the network president beats him to death with a framed poster for ''Series/JustShootMe''
* Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
--> '''Peter:''' I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.\\
'''Brian:''' Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't ''nothing''?\\
''(brief pause)''\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, yeah.
* The scene where the Gumbel brothers are interrogating the purse snatcher, where the one who asked the criminal goes "Mmm-hmm, mm. Mmm-hmm, mm, etc" in an endless loop fashion.
* One of the things that Peter has his worshippers do for him is letting him use two of them as shoes.
* The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out. Stewie, not so much.
-->'''Stewie:''' (''still playing with his boat'') How delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
* Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
-->'''Brian:''' You want an explanation?! (''grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him'') [[PunctuatedForEmphasis GOD! IS! PISSED!]]
!!17. - Running Mates
* The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its hand instead of kissing it.
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songs of, in turn, ''Series/OneDayAtATime'', ''Series/DiffrentStrokes'', and ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'', ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"
!!18. - A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Bucks
* Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of ''WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones''. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
* "Work of art, or container of crazy purple {{knockout gas}}?!"
** He then ends up spraying himself with it.
* Brian recalling the last time he went to the theater with Peter. The family is seeing ''Uncle Vanya'', but Peter is just staring in disbelief at a scene before finally shouting, "What the hell is this?! For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!"
* Meg accidentally calling Big Bird with her bird calls.
--> '''Big Bird:''' Yeah? ''Well'', whaddya want?\\
'''Meg:''' Uh...\\
'''Big Bird:''' You called me, right?\\
'''Meg:''' Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.\\
'''Big Bird:''' Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh?\\
'''Peter:''' Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.\\
'''Big Bird:''' I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. ''(spits)'' Bitch.
* This OverlyLongGag:
--> '''Meg''': I quit.\\
'''Peter''': Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me. Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'! Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus. Don't, don't you go to [=LaGuardia=]! Meg? Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. Don't shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia-- okay, now I'm pissed.
* The cutaway with Robert Mapplethorpe as a caricaturist for a little kid:
--> '''Mapplethorpe''': Uh, okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star?\\
'''Tim''': Uh, Reggie Jackson.\\
'''Mapplethorpe''': Okay, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
!!19. - Fifteen Minutes of Shame
* The [[TheTeaser cold opening]] of the episode has Peter painting alongside ''Series/TheJoyOfPainting'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70OQN_MK5K8 which takes one hell of a sudden turn.]]
* The utterly ridiculous scene of a live confession between a couple on Diane Simmons' talk show:
--> '''Mario:''' Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm not really a man. [[GenderReveal I'm a woman.]] ''(takes off disguise as crowd cheers in excitement)''\\
'''Erica:''' Oh mah god, you're a woman?\\
'''Mario:''' Well... actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse. ''(takes off'' another ''disguise)''\\
'''Erica:''' Oh mah god, you're a horse!?\\
'''Mario:''' Actually, I'm not really a horse. [[RuleOfThree I'm a broom.]] ''(takes off'' ANOTHER ''disguise, revealing an inanimate broom that tips over as the audience goes nuts)''\\
'''Diane:''' Okay, okay! So, how do you feel?\\
'''Erica:''' To be honest with you, Diane, [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight I'm surprised.]]
* As the Griffins are having dinner at the shanty and Meg loudly [[ItMakesSenseInContext gets fed up with them being on reality TV,]] [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Stewie can be visibly seen in the tank behind them having an intense battle with a lobster.]]
!!20. - Road to Rhode Island
* "[[BlatantLies I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment.]] ''(puke)'' And a stomach virus. ''(collapse)'' And an inner ear infection."
* Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
-->'''Stewie:''' Oh, for God's sake. There's only one way to put an end to this. ''(yells)'' [[HiddenWire He's wearing a wire]]!\\
'''Dealer:''' ''What?'' You son of a--\\
''(cue gunshots and the sound of a body falling over. Stewie yawns, rolls over, and goes to sleep)''
* This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
-->'''Brian:''' Look, I just need some time to think.\\
'''Stewie:''' Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...\\
'''Brian:''' You left out [[PreemptiveDeclaration the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield]].\\
'''Stewie:''' Well now, funny, I don't recall...\\
''(Brian slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)''\\
'''Stewie:''' ''(gets back up)'' Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
* Brian and Stewie try to get to Brian's old home via a crop duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
-->'''Stewie:''' Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
* Peter trying to explain to Lois why he bought another "relationship tape" to save their romance.
-->'''Peter:''' Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes... I-I mean nickels and boobs... Money! ''(runs to the bedroom with the tape)'' I'll be upstairs!
* Then when Lois catches on:
-->'''Relationship Doctor:''' And then guess what I'm going to add?\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, jeez, if she says "Mrs. Dash", I'm gonna lose it.\\
'''Relationship Doctor:''' I'm going to add—\\
''(the tape cuts to an angry Lois via static)''\\
'''Lois:''' Peter! ''(Peter screams)'' I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.\\
'''Peter:''' Wow, usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.\\
'''Lois:''' If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty ''(starts stripping)'' you shoulda told me.
** And while Peter and Lois kiss, the former keeps replaying Lois' "you shoulda told me" on the tape.
!!21. - Let's Go to the Hop
* Peter describing his experiences with drugs, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8hIPdqeKts how things got "way too real."]]
* Peter seeking advice from a poster of [[Music/TheAllmanBrothersBand Greg Allman]]:
-->'''Peter:''' Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?\\
'''Greg:''' Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Music/{{Cher}}. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.
!!22. - Dammit Janet!
* Meg mentions how Peter once turned the house into a giant puppet.
--> '''Peter:''' Hey! Hey! Nobody better come in here! I'm the Griffin house! Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!
!!23. - There's Something About Paulie
* After buying a shoddy car because the salesman convinced him that it belonged to Franchise/JamesBond, Peter prepares to drive it out of the lot only for it to immediately break down. When he believes that the dealership will fix the car for him and Lois, the dealership building promptly collapses behind them.
* At the start of the episode, Peter enlists the help of a shady individual who asks Peter to write down his phone number on his gun. When Peter makes a mistake, he casually crumples up the gun like a piece of paper and asks if the man has another.
* When Peter meets face-to-face with TheDon who asks him for a favor, which Peter assumes is gonna involve him killing someone.
--> '''Peter:''' What are you gonna make me do!? Whack a guy? Off a guy? [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Whack off]] [[BreadEggsMilkSquick a guy?]] 'Cause I'm married!
* After Big Fat Paulie gets involved in a [[OverlyLongGag VERY long]] drive-by shooting and falls over dead, Peter's first reaction?
--> '''Peter:''' Ah jeez! [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction You okay?]]
* When Peter realizes Lois has a mob hit on her now, he plans to move the family to England, where the worst thing there are "drive-by... arguments."
-->'''Englishman:''' I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?\\
'''Jeremy:''' Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.\\
'''Englishman:''' Oh, let's get him.\\
''(They drive up)''\\
'''Englishman:''' Oh Reginald...\\
''(Reginald perks up)''\\
'''Englishman:''' I DISAGREE! ''(car peels off)''
* When Peter has to find the Don to call off the hit on Lois, he can only find a mobster in a [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial "Pet Store. That's It, Pet Store."]]
-->'''Peter:''' Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife, where's the Don?\\
'''Mobster:''' ''[[BadBadActing (loud and monotone)]]'' The Don!? I don't know what you're talking about! ''(holds up a sign saying "THE COPS HAVE THIS PLACE BUGGED")''\\
'''Peter:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Come on, you know, the Don! You know, the captain of the mafia!]]\\
'''Mobster:''' ''(holds up another sign saying [[CantYouReadTheSign "WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON?")]]'' Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia! ''(hands Peter an envelope and pulls out a longer sign)''\\
'''Peter:''' ''[[ComicallyMissingThePoint (reading aloud)]]'' "The Don's daughter is getting married tomorrow, here's my invitation." ''(looks at envelope)'' "Now get the [[ReadingTheStageDirectionsOutLoud asterisk-]][[SymbolSwearing percent-ampersand]] out of here you SOB." [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What's a sob?]]\\
''(mobster decks him in the head with the sign)''
* Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Don's daughter.
-->'''Peter:''' Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUN! DAAAAAAAAH!\\
''(Mobsters reach into their shirts)''
-->'''Peter:''' [[SomethingSomethingLeonardBernstein Frebuhuhmuecuh]] in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!\\
''(Mobsters aim their guns)''\\
'''Peter:''' For my next number...\\
''(Mobsters'' '''''cock''''' ''their guns)''\\
'''Peter:''' [[OhCrap Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!]]
* This cutaway:
--> '''Dr. Hartman''': Mr Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.\\
'''Peter''': Oh. Well, what about the-\\
'''Dr. Hartman''': ''(interrupting)'' Testicles.\\
'''Peter''': ...Huh.
* Peter mistakes Louie Anderson for Big Fat Paulie, to which Louie [[GroinAttack kicks him in the groin]] for it.
!!24. - He's Too Sexy for His Fat
* When Brian explains previous techniques to get rid of fleas, it cuts to him getting acupuncture by a Chinese doctor [[UnexplainedAccent with an inexplicably thick Irish accent.]] Even in the official commentary, the crew is flummoxed as to where he's from.
-->'''Brian:''' Hey, doc, do you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?\\
''(cut to a shelf with boxes listing "Needles" and "Poison Tipped Needles" next to each other)''\\
'''Acupuncturist:''' Why? What do they say?\\
'''Brian:''' ''[[{{Beat}} (beat)]]'' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I think we're through here.]]
* When fleas infest their household:
-->'''Lois:''' Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!\\
'''Peter:''' (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.\\
'''Lois:''' Peter, this isn't a contest!\\
'''Peter:''' (proudly) It was then.\\
''(Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks")''\\
\\
'''Peter:''' There's only one thing to do--learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.\\
'''Lois:''' '''CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!'''
* To get Chris to run on a treadmill, Peter sticks a dart on Chris's forehead with a Twinkie tied to the other end so he'll chase after it. He later manages to get it by laying on his back and says that he'll turn it into poo.
* One of Chris's exercises is swimming upstream like a salmon. He's grabbed in the jaws of a bear, where Peter tells him to soil himself like they practiced.
* After Peter introduces his new thin body to the family:
-->'''Stewie:''' My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!
* Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts to Peter with this without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without-- holy crap, it's Peter.
* Lois chastizing Peter when he's allowed into the "Beautiful People's Club" but Chris isn't:
-->'''Lois:''' Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head!?\\
'''Peter:''' Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!\\
'''Lois:''' That doesn't make any sense!\\
'''Peter:''' It doesn't have to, [[ScrewTheRulesImBeautiful I'm beautiful]]!
* Peter thinking a girl selling lemonade is a drug dealer:
-->'''Little Girl:''' But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! ''(Peter smashes the lemonade stand)''
* "Well if my son can't come in, then ''I'll'' just come in! See you at home, Chris."
* The episode's B-plot sees Stewie pigging out on sweets to make Chris envious, only to [[TemporaryBulkChange gradually balloon up himself]]. Highlights include:
** Fat!Stewie trying to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EdcMwM4-qM ride a spring-loaded horsey]] at the park. "Well then. Giddy-up."
** Stewie attempting to eat an ice cream cone, only to be unable to reach it; he then insults another baby passing by. The effort makes him pass out.
* Dr. Hartman (in one of his first appearances) removing Peter's "protective Mr. Potato Head mask" after surgery.
* The end of the episode sees Peter [[StatusQuoIsGod gain all of the weight he lost back]] by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car [[ContrivedCoincidence into a conveniently located lard factory]]. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" And then the episode just ''stops.'' [[note]]Commentary reveals that the writers ''did'' have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him [[LampshadeHanging outright declaring]] his AesopAmnesia was funnier.[[/note]]
!!25. - E. Peterbus Unum
* As Peter initially digs out the family's backyard himself for a pool when he's denied a tax refund, he accidentally cuts through a power line, shutting off Joe's TV, Quagmire's sex doll, [[RuleOfFunny and for some reason, Cleveland's trampoline.]]
* [[http://www.adultswim.com/videos/family-guy/peters-pool-permit/ The entire scene]] where Peter goes to [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} Mayor]] [[Creator/AdamWest Adam]] [[AdamWesting West's]] office for a pool permit, from when he jumps Peter and beats the crap out of him [[NoodleIncident thinking he's the district attorney]] to him [[OverlyLongGag enjoying his taffy.]] Seth [=MacFarlane=] says in the commentary "You should've seen him recording this, he was giving 110% that day."
* When Peter technically annexes Joe's pool as part of [[{{Egopolis}} Petoria,]] we cut to the US army informing then-president UsefulNotes/BillClinton and discussing their options. Their discussion is rather straightforward, but for some inexplicable reason, [[NakedPeopleAreFunny Clinton is completely nude.]]
* The [[SeriousBusiness complete and utter ridiculousness]] of the US imposing political sanctions against Petoria is best summed up with this [[TheComicallySerious straight-face line]] as Tom Tucker reports live from the military blockade:
--> '''Tom:''' I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off all electricity, water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
** What's more, Tom acts like he's doing serious war coverage, and afterwards he reports "Oh my god, they're opening fire!" as sounds fire off in the background... and then the camera pans to Tom simply popping bubble wrap and playing a slide whistle.
* In a hilarious fluke gag, as the US finally engages [[OperationBlank "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House"]] ("The guy who comes up with the names is on vacation!"), their first missile misfires, instead hitting Quagmire's house. It doesn't explode, it just casually juts partway through the roof as Quagmire and a random woman are having wine on the couch.
--> '''Quagmire:''' [[OrphanedPunchline To answer your question,]] [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything something like that.]]
* When everyone but Brian leaves Peter in his war against the US, Brian says that he's been with him through worse. Cut to Peter and Brian on a Ferris wheel where [[ManOnFire Peter is inexplicably on fire]].
* The cutaway where Peter's grandfather worked in Termite Terrace.
--> '''Producer''': Okay, we've narrowed it down to two possible names. All in favor of "WesternAnimation/BugsBunny"? ''(everyone except Peter raises their hands)'' And all in favor of "Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?\\
''(nobody raises their hand except Peter)''\\
'''Peter's grandfather''': ''(offended)'' Oh, you can all go to hell! ''(storms out)''
* Peter at the United Nations:
-->'''UN podium guy:''' Is there a problem back there?\\
'''Peter:''' You bet your funny accent there's a problem, I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds! I am president of Petoria, I want a better seat.\\
'''UN podium guy:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Oh, of course, how could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front.]]\\
'''Peter:''' Well, that's more like it!\\
'''UN podium guy:''' [[SarcasmMode And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space?]]\\
'''Peter:''' [[SarcasmBlind They]] ''[[SarcasmBlind have]]'' [[SarcasmBlind those?]]\\
''(other UN representatives laugh at Peter)''
!!26. - The Story on Page One
* When Mayor West pulls a DeliberateInjuryGambit to get out of Meg interviewing him, his aide hands her a CartoonBomb that explodes in her face, then her mouth is suddenly replaced with a WesternAnimation/DaffyDuck-style beak on the back of her head that she turns to her face and declares [[WesternAnimation/BugsBunny "Of course you realize, this means war!"]] before storming off.
* The sequence when Stewie imagines what being big would be like. Turns out he would [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvWo4fAg7lg open a Big and Tall Man's Shop]] for other plus-sized men. The image of Stewie's normal head on the body of a gigantic fat guy is hilarious.
** And immediately after, when Chris helps him get the Fig Newtons he was after, he begins to muse about using his older brother for his schemes--until he's interrupted by how good the Fig Newton tastes and screams "OH MY '''GOD,''' THERE'S AN '''ORGY''' IN MY '''MOUTH.'''"
* Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Creator/SethGreen affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy EvilBrit accent while spouting Stewie-esque AxCrazy [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon threats]] is ''hysterical''. The "''Family Guy'' Cast and Creator" episode of ''Inside The Actor's Studio'' reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
* Peter tries to cheer Meg up by giving her a pony that he kept in the closet, but evidently, he forgot to feed it and it turned into a skeleton.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh...Oh God, that's right. Ponies...P-Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.
!!27. - Wasted Talent
* This classic exchange:
-->'''Young Peter:''' Why did all the dinosaurs die out?\\
'''Museum Guide:''' Because you touch yourself at night.\\
''(brief pause, then Young Peter looks down in shame)''
* The whole ''Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory'' spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
-->'''Peter:''' It's like I've died and gone to Heaven! [[{{Dissimile}} And then they found out that it wasn't my time, so they just sent me back to a brewery.]]
** Since it's a ''Willy Wonka'' parody, there, of course, must be Oompa-Loompa {{exp|y}}ies--in this case, they're called the Chumba-Wumbas. What's Joe's "bad" behavior that gets him kicked off the tour? Being in a wheelchair (there's no ramp). The song the Chumba-Wumbas sing is [[CrossesTheLineTwice straight up insulting]].
-->''What do get when you're STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.''
** In a sight gag that's not even acknowledged in the episode itself, the fourth set of people on the tour are Grandpa Joe and Charlie themselves.
!!28. - Fore, Father
* Quagmire's car having blow-up dolls for airbags.
* After taking Cleveland Jr. as his golfing protégé, Peter asks him to call him Mr. Drummond. Peter later asks him to call him Mr. Papadapolis, but Cleveland Jr. draws the line at letting Peter call him Series/{{Webster}}.
* The cutaway of Kevin Swanson just having finished sex with his wife:
--> '''Wife:''' That was incredible, Kevin.\\
'''Kevin:''' I'm not here to impress you... ''(camera pulls back to reveal Joe next to their bed)'' am I, dad?\\
'''Joe:''' DID I SAY YOU COULD REST YET?!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Season Three]]
[[quoteright:300:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/KangarooPouchRide_3881.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:300:Look at me, Lois, [[Franchise/WinnieThePooh I'm Roo!]]]]
!!29. - The Thin White Line
* Brian's stint as a seeing eye dog involves the odd act of taking a blind man to [[Film/TheBlairWitchProject a movie]].
-->'''Brian''': Okay, they're-they're in the woods... the camera keeps on moving... Uh, I think they're, they're looking for some witch or something, I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening... nothing's happening... something about a map. Nothing's happening... It's over. [[TakeThat A lot of people in the audience look pissed]].
* In the morning after Brian busts a drug operation, he rhetorically asks what the street value of the stolen cocaine would've been. ''Lois'' [[OutOfCharacterMoment of all people]] quickly does the mental math over the factors ("4.7 kilos, uncut Nicaraguan") and gives a correct estimate, surprising him. Lois, [[NoodleIncident is there something you should tell us?]]
* While admiring all of the activities the rehabilitation center offers for its patients, such as swimming, running and tennis, Chris muses, [[SincerityMode without a hint of irony in his voice]], "Wow! No wonder people do drugs!"
* Peter coming up with a LineOfSightAlias to explain why he's in the rehab cafeteria, and somehow manages to still say his real name. How? By spotting a "pea" on a dish, a "tear" running down a girl's face, and [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers an]] ''[[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers actual griffin]]'' flying through the cafeteria.
-->'''Peter:''' Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaWv1_XTmu0 I've often dreamt of a life at sea...]]"
* Peter's short stint as Music/GeorgeHarrison's security guard.
-->''(while George is fighting a burglar)'' Hey, hey. Quiet down out there! Ya wacky [[Music/TheBeatles Beatle...]]
!!30. - Brian Does Hollywood
* The action-packed PreviouslyOn sequence of scenes which obviously never happened in the show, let alone the previous episode.
* Near the beginning of the episode, there's a cutaway of Peter and Brian throwing a frisbee back and forth. Due to RuleOfFunny, Brian manages to accidentally cut off the top half of Peter's head with the frisbee and Peter yells "[[LampshadeHanging What are the odds?!]]" as the top of his head with his eyes stares up at the rest of him.
* One massive BlackComedyBurst comes from a cutaway when Peter mentions that he hasn't been to California since he lived with his other family. As it turns out, his other family was the [[UsefulNotes/CharlesManson Manson Family]]. When he tells them that he got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house, he says that he'll let them come if they promise not to [[{{Understatement}} embarrass him]].
* Brian obliviously asks "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" while entering the porno set. When he [[LateToTheRealization realizes what he's gotten himself into]], he repeats, with [[OhCrap a noticeably anxious tone]], "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right??"
* Chris, unaware that Brian is making a porno, wonders if Creator/SamuelLJackson is in it, seeing as "he's in everything." Cut to...
-->"Ok, [[NotHyperbole Sam]], I just need you to lie down next to the fireplace..."
* Lois says that it's best the family don't get in Brian's way because it wouldn't be the first time Peter's disrupted a performance. It then cuts to a performance of ''Theatre/{{Cats}}''... and Peter accidentally runs over one of the on-stage performers.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it. It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
* The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy-looking guys with synthesizers, and Music/JohnWilliams, who apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
** And of course, the other two are the ''show'''s composers, Ron Jones and Walter Murphy.
* When the actual physical award is shown, it's actually ''{{pixellat|ion}}ed''.
!!31. - Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
* [[BadLiar Peter]] coming up with an excuse to skip work for a baseball game: he was in a plane crash that killed his whole family and left him a vegetable. When Brian tells him that his excuses are lamer than [[UsefulNotes/FranklinDRoosevelt FDR]]'s legs, everyone gasps in shock, prompting Brian to ask "{{Too soon}}?"
* Chris' [[{{Metaphorgotten}} confused idiom]] as he waits for dinner.
-->'''Chris''': I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. ''(beat)'' [[LampshadeHanging I don't get it.]] [[{{Metaphorgotten}} I could ride it to the store, I guess...]]
* In the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon microfilm so that it's easier to clean... [[RealityEnsues then everybody slips because they got the floor too.]] The kicker?
--> '''Stewie:''' ''(sliding by on his butt, nude)'' [[NakedPeopleAreFunny I'm Nudes on Ice!]]
* "Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob... Dole..." ''*falls asleep*''
* Peter demonstrates his ability to recite all fifty states in less than a second. It's just a loud yelp.
* "[[SubliminalSeduction SMOKE!]]"
** "Are you smoking yet?"
* "[[Series/ThatGirl That]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjJS76wOUm0 Guy!]]"
** Just before the sequence begins, Peter is shown [[TooDumbToLive trying to lick a running desk fan]] (a BrickJoke from earlier when he sticks his penis in a pencil sharpener).
* Stewie lighting up a cigarette and going into GossipyHens mode:
-->"Oh, by the way, you'll never believe who I ran into at the market today: Patty Croft! Oh, and she has gotten ''faaaaaaaat''..."
* "Since I became president, [[TakeThat profits have been higher than]] Creator/AlyssaMilano." [[MediumBlending Cut to live-action footage of...]]
-->'''[[TheCameo Alyssa]]:''' What kind of cheap shot!? Joel! ''(pans over to her lawyer on the phone)'' \\
'''Joel:''' I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it!
* "Cigarettes killed my father... and RAPED my mother!"
* Peter hires Jewish writers. When he's addressing Congress, he asks them for a zinger to go out on, but they inform him that their lunch is here and leave Peter hanging. He improvises:
--> '''Peter:''' ...Well, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That%27s_My_Mama that's my mama!]] ''(nervous laugh)''
!!32. - One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
* As the Griffin family is huddled up with the approach of a hurricane and Lois tells everyone that the biggest danger to them is broken glass, she then chastises Peter for playing [[Theatre/AChorusLine "What I Did For Love"]] on [[TooDumbToLive wine glasses.]]
* Peter telling Chris how sometimes good things happen while you're asleep, cutting to Peter [[TalkingInYourSleep talking about someone named Jenny]] and Lois waking up angrily.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, Creator/RichardJeni, [[SubvertedTrope your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions.]]\\
''(Lois smiles and goes back to sleep)''\\
'''Peter:''' [[DoubleSubversion ...and what a sweet ass.]]\\
''(Lois' eyes immediately dart open)''
* When Peter and the gang head to the under-new-management Drunken Clam, [[UsefulNotes/BritishPubs they notice something's off...]]
--> '''Bartender:''' Evening, gents, how about a nice warm lager?\\
'''Patron 1:''' And help yourself to a packet of crisps?\\
'''Patron 2:''' Or a ruddy nice plum pudding?\\
'''Peter:''' Holy crap! [[ComicallyMissingThePoint It's a gay bar!]]
* Soon after a British man explains [[UsefulNotes/{{Cricket}} cricket]] to Peter:
-->'''Peter:''' Did anybody get that?\\
'''Cleveland:''' The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette".\\
'''Peter:''' Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
!!33. - And the Wiener is...
* Peter notices that there's apparently something wrong with Chris's leg. Then he realizes: ''"[[OhCrap Oh my god]], [[GagPenis that's not your leg!]]"''
!!34. - Death Lives
* The rather peculiar "gift" that Peter gave Lois on their last anniversary:
-->'''Lois:''' ''(opening a present)'' My goodness, a human thumb! Where did you ever find this?
-->'''Peter:''' ''(who has his hand tucked in his armpit, the armpit area of his shirt stained red, and is shivering violently)'' It was on eBay. ''(doubles over and vomits)'' OH GOD, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
* One result of Peter's attempts to golf is accidentally hitting a businessman talking to another over the phone:
-->'''Businessman 1:''' The fed is going to be lowering, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into-- ''(gets hit in the head with a stray ball)'' [[NonSequiturThud Waffles, tasty waffles, with lots of syrup]].\\
'''Businessman 2:''' Waffles! Buy waffles!\\
''(crowd of investors rushes to put stocks in waffles)''
* While in limbo, Peter tries to get back into his body by going down his throat. Later, he steals the money from his own wallet.
* After Peter's terrible first impression, Carter shows him a bronze statue and bludgeons him with it, then orders two of his men to wrap Peter in a rug while he's unconscious and throw him out a helicopter into the sea. He's rescued by a Navy aircraft carrier because they mistook him for a manatee and were prepared to make him into soup.
** Before whacking Peter with the bronze statue, Carter takes a moment to tell Peter that it's a bronze statue.
* According to Death, when Peter got struck by lightning [[NoDeadBodyPoops he soiled himself]].
* In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through UsefulNotes/SouthCarolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of [[UsefulNotes/KuKluxKlan Klansmen]]. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
* This bit:
-->'''Peter:''' What if I helped you get a girl?\\
'''Death:''' Really? You'd do that?\\
'''Peter:''' Sure, all we gotta do is get you fixed up, get your hair cut, give you a good, clea-- ''(pulls off Death's hood seeing his skull, which is crawling with maggots and has a snake going through it)'' AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ''(pulls his hood back on and goes back to sounding calm)'' —shave, cologne, and chicks'll be all over you.\\
'''Death:''' Gee! You really think so?\\
'''Peter:''' Absolutely. ''([[VomitDiscretionShot throws up]] when Death is out of earshot)''
* When Peter's scavenger hunt takes his family to the sewers, Chris tells Lois that his goldfish they flushed wasn't dead, because he mutated in the sewer and has Chris at gunpoint.
* After Death gets with his crush, he can't stand her GranolaGirl tendencies for long and touches her, killing her instantly, before closing out the episode with a CheckPlease.
!!35. - Lethal Weapons
* When Peter and friends go to the Drunken Clam after the New Yorkers invade:
-->'''Peter:''' Horace, put the Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.\\
'''Horace:''' Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes. And the kegs. [[EscalatingPunchline And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot]]. ''([[FailedASpotCheck sees that he has indeed]] [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction been shot in the chest]])'' Yep. ''(collapses)''
* Peter tries to scare off the New Yorkers by pretending to be a man-eating tree and claiming that he ate "insane New York anchorman" Dan Rather and "asexual former mayor" Ed Koch.
* Lois ''pimp slaps'' her Tae-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
* Peter tries to insert a straw into a juice box, until he gets frustrated and destroys the box, then drinks the juice off the table.
* Quagmire getting his boner caught in a window. "[[AcquaintedWithEmergencyServices Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's in a window this time]]".
* Stewie suddenly reveals a tape under his shirt that recorded Lois saying she's a bad mother:
--> '''Stewie:''' Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! ''(plays tape)''\\
'''Stewie on tape:''' Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. ''(Present Stewie makes an OhCrap face)'' What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!\\
'''Stewie:''' ''(stops tape)'' ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- ''SHUT UP! *runs off*''
* The trash the New Yorkers leave on Peter's lawn: a ''New York Post'' newspaper, an issue of ''New York'' magazine and the [[ButtMonkey New York Mets]].
!!36. - The Kiss Seen Around the World
* Meg's ''Film/FastTimesAtRidgemontHigh'' spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker.
* Apparently during Mort's HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood, the other kids nicknamed him "Tasty Cakes" and stuck pine cones [[AssShove up his ass]].
* When Lois unknowingly stops Stewie from exacting his revenge on a bully who stole his tricycle, she questions what's going on.
-->'''Stewie:''' We're playing house.\\
'''Lois:''' But that boy is all tied up...\\
'''Stewie:''' ''[[{{Beat}} (pause)]]'' Creator/RomanPolanski's [[CrossesTheLineTwice house.]]
!!37. - Mr. Saturday Knight
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu9CJRa7H6g Peter's job working for]] Series/{{The Electric Company| 1971}}.
* Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice:
-->'''Mr. Weed:''' Hello, Peter. How are you?\\
'''Peter:''' [[NoIndoorVoice FINE!]] (whispering) Please come in.
* One of Peter's stints after becoming unemployed is as a bathroom attendant, wherein he tells a guy washing his hands that they're out of paper towels, so he heavily inhales and blows air on his hands... before collapsing onto the floor. [[ButtMonkey Then the man quietly wipes his hands on Peter's vest and leaves]].[[note]]The DVD commentary noted a version where he also would've stolen Peter's wallet, which didn't make it for unknown reasons.[[/note]]
!!38. - A Fish out of Water
* Without a job, Peter has done nothing but sit on the couch and has become morbidly obese to the point that Brian has to carry him with a forklift. At the wharf, Tom and Jake Tucker appear and Tom mistakes Peter for Mercury until Peter blurts out that he's a guy.
* When the Griffins' belongings are getting repossessed, the repo men take Chris's bed with Chris still on it. Chris believes that they'll let him live at the bank.
* After becoming a fisherman, Peter quickly makes a rival who tricks him into crashing his fishing boat into a bar mitzvah, then distracts Peter while he's selling his fish to change his sign so it reads "[[BestialityIsDepraved I had sex with all these fish]]".
* Stewie playing ''Pictionary'' with the family that's [[ItMakesSenseInContext prematurely moved into the Griffins' house]]:
-->If it wasn't right the ''first'' time you said it, why the ''hell'' would it be right the next ten times? God!
* The scene with the Griffin men if they were more cultured, especially this bit:
-->'''Peter:''' (Randomly catches fire) Oh dear, I've spontaneously combusted.
-->'''Stewie:''' Oh, I am sorry.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, that's quite alright, I've grown tired of living.
!!39. - Emission Impossible
* Lois' sister Carol is going into labor and Peter is driving them to the hospital, when suddenly...
-->'''Peter:''' ''[[SkewedPriorities (pulls into a drive-thru)]]'' Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...\\
'''Lois:''' Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, that's right. ''(to drive-thru)'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint And a kid's meal...]]
* When Carol's in the hospital:
-->'''Dr. Hartman:''' Alright, I'm just gonna put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby. (''reaches in the sharps waste'') These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I ''always'' keep the gloves. [[TooDumbToLive Well, maybe if I dig deeper.]] Nope, just feels like more needles. Well, that's the craziest thing! (''lifts his arm up and it's covered in needles'') Oh, now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer. (''passes out'')
* The gag where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
-->'''Stewie:''' You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!\\
\\
'''Brian:''' Wow, the evidence is really piling up.\\
'''Stewie:''' Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
* This line:
-->'''Stewie:''' God, all this work to stop people from having sex. [[TakeThat Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.]]
!!40. - To Love and Die in Dixie
* The crook that Chris sees rob a store is trying to escape from the police and sees a bike. Rather than try to drive it away, he picks it up and runs off.
* When Chris gets the robber arrested, Peter tells him that he should've lied and said it was Music/CelineDion and that he blew their one chance to put "that showboating Canadian wench" behind bars.
* The RunningGag of Peter getting attacked by a raccoon. Somehow, in one scene it gets inside Lois's blouse and attacks Peter when she opens it, and at the episode's climax [[RuleOfFunny it attacks him when he finds it hiding in the barrel of his gun]].
* Peter's first time using an outhouse:
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works; it's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.\\
''(a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over)''\\
'''Peter:''' (mortified) Augh, oh God, oh, it's everywhere! Augh, it's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
!!41. - Screwed the Pooch
* When the titular event happens, this exchange occurs:
-->'''Carter:''' He's violating Seabreeze!\\
'''Peter:''' [[ExplainExplainOhCrap Oh no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself on--NOW he's violating Seabreeze.]]\\
(''Stewie starts making porno sounds'')
* Following the news that Seabreeze is pregnant, Peter tries to go back in time to stop Brian from molesting her by spinning around in circles, but all that happens is that he becomes disoriented and accidentally destroys Carter's cabinet of fine China, then knocks down a shelf and a framed painting.
* When Brian and Seabreeze run off and check into a rundown hotel, the manager warns them that the hotel has bad roaches. The roaches in question are two giant Mexican thugs, one of whom threatens to cut Brian with a knife.
-->'''Brian:''' Those are some bad roaches.\\
'''Manager:''' I blame the schools.
* After Peter refuses to associate with Brian anymore due to the latter's molestation of Seabreeze hurting Peter's newfound relationship with Carter, Peter is shown eating breakfast in a soundproof transparent box. While Brian and Lois are talking, [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Peter farts and can't escape the smell due to the lack of ventilation, then tries to get their attention before passing out]].
* "[[Film/CitizenKane It's his sled.]] ItWasHisSled from when he was a kid. There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours."
* "I ''looooooooove'' chocolate... but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
** "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
* The reveal that Seabreeze's puppies were actually [[BestialityIsDepraved fathered by Ted Turner]], as they all have his head.
* Peter's attempt at a KangarooPouchRide, pictured.
!!42. - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
* In the pre-intro scene, Peter is watching Creator/DennisMiller do a bit where he trails off into SesquipedalianLoquaciousness. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant"]].
* At the basketball game, Peter fantasizes about Cindi (the head cheerleader) opening her uniform and chicken legs flying out in slow motion. When Peter gets one in his mouth, it turns out he's chewing on Lois's hair.
* The B-plot is Stewie trying to get in with the cheerleading squad because he believes that their cheers are a form of MassHypnosis after finding himself following along with them. He compares it to the time he and Brian were in Vegas and were hypnotized into kissing, where once they come out of trance Stewie declares that he tastes crotch.
** In one scene, [[YouAreFat he fat shames himself]] in the mirror before making himself throw up in the toilet.
** At the episode's climax, he abducts Cindi and replaces her at the top of the pyramid at the next game while wearing a disguise of her that ends up being fairly unconvincing because of their massive height difference. He tries to hypnotize the audience into doing his bidding with the hunting knives he hid under each of their seats, only for the pyramid to collapse under him, revealing that he also tried to emulate Cindi's cleavage with two tennis balls.
* When Chris starts talking in street on the drive home from the game, Peter thinks he's [[DemonicPossession demonically possessed]] and speaking in tongues, so he attempts to perform an impromptu exorcism.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gnezI2hOXA Peter narrating his own life]].
* When Babs gives Chris a caramel, he runs outside and climbs up a tree to eat it like a squirrel.
* Peter [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDBmkJmuj7k converting the living room into a replica of]] ''Series/PeeWeesPlayhouse''. ''Especially'' Brian's line:
-->'''Brian:''' [[TranquilFury Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much]].
* How does Nate Griffin describe heaven? "It's alright. There's a shortage of chairs."
!!43. - Ready, Willing, and Disabled
* While putting up flyers for people looking for the money clip the Griffin kids found, Chris accidentally staples one onto a guy's back.
* When a ladybug drinks from the bottle of steroid-filled water that Peter gave to Joe, it grows giant and flies off with a kid in the audience.
* Joe agrees to have his life story made into a TV movie, which took a few creative liberties: Joe, played by Creator/TonyDanza, gets crippled when a group of thugs he defeats immediately get back up and break his legs, he learned about the Special People's Games through an advertisement on a box in his freezer, and for whatever reason, Peter is portrayed by Creator/BeaArthur.
* When Brian tries to make off with the money clip, Stewie threatens to do to him what he did to Music/JohnLennon. You assume this means Stewie killed him, [[BaitAndSwitch then it turns out he introduced him to]] Music/YokoOno.
* Peter attempts to fake becoming disabled to get his own TV movie and shows Tom Tucker a tape to show how it happened. The tape depicts Peter running over a scarecrow in his clothes.
* When Joe captures the car wash thief, he later tells Peter that he severed the guy's spine when he landed on him. Peter jokes that the thief will be competing against Joe in the next Special People's Games, only to look shocked when Joe tells him that the injury was fatal.
!!44. - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
* Peter manages to confuse the meanings of "for" and "from", leading to him donating all of his family's presents to charity.
-->'''Peter:''' Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?\\
'''Brian:''' I think they had a meeting about it last night.\\
'''Peter:''' Why wasn't I told?\\
'''Brian:''' They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't.. umm... You know it's just easier to call you stupid.
* Peter's plan to get the presents back from a family in a mobile home:
-->'''Brian:''' You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?\\
'''Peter:''' Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the [[AirVentPassageway air conditioning duct]] here. Now, there'll be [[LaserHallway an invisible laser grid]] three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.\\
''(beat)''\\
'''Brian:''' [[FlatWhat Can I buy some pot from you]]?
* Peter loses patience over the lack of empty parking spaces at the mall and parks the station wagon on top of another car, flattening the latter.
* Peter finds a pair of the earrings Meg wanted, but an old woman wants them for her granddaughter. Peter licks the box and asks her if she still wants it, but she gives him a titty twister and takes the earrings back.
** The "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
** "[[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext All the clownfish and yellow tangs in the world won't save you NOW!]]"
** The old woman throws fish food on Peter, causing the fish to jump out of their tanks and start biting him. On the drive home, Peter says that he thinks one of them muttered something anti-semitic.
* The scene where Brian tries to put out a fire, [[FromBadToWorse and it gets worse]] since he uses a "Joke Fire Extinguisher" that releases ''flammable'' pop-up snakes.
--> '''Brian:''' Damn it, Peter!
** When the rest of the family comes home, Brian calls Peter out on it:
--->'''Peter:''' What the hell did you do?\\
'''Brian:''' ''Me?!'' Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?\\
'''Peter:''' I'll tell you who: [[LethallyStupid someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk!]]
* Lois [[RageBreakingPoint finally snapping]] when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family and ran out the house in an UnstoppableRage... ''then'' Meg finds the paper towels.
* While on her rampage, Lois mouths off to WesternAnimation/FrostyTheSnowman before lighting a match on his nose and melting him with a BoozeFlamethrower using a nearby homeless guy's beer bottle. His hat comes off, but when it's put back on he yells for it to be taken off again because it's on fire.
* On Christmas Day, Brian gets a present that looks like a wine bottle, then he unwraps it and it turns out it's a book.
!!45. - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
* Peter grows a beard, which an endangered species of bird takes up residence in. It later makes life difficult for him at the movies by snatching his popcorn out of his hand before he can eat it, then he later tries to drive it out by playing loud music.
** When the bird eventually leaves Peter's beard, it also leaves its three eggs behind and they all hatch and Peter compares them to his own kids. One hatchling's face turns into Stewie and another turns into Chris, then Peter forgets about Meg and imagines the third hatchling as an off-colored [[Franchise/StarWars Boba Fett]].
!!46. - From Method to Madness
* The entire B-plot surrounding the [[NakedPeopleAreFunny nudist family]] is full of CringeComedy gold.
-->'''Peter''': ''(regarding the mother)'' Oh my god, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint she's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!]]\\
'''Lois''': You... uh... you're completely...\\
'''Dotty''': [[NoNudityTaboo Nude? Yes, we're nudists!]]\\
'''Chris''': [[OhCrap Permission to]] FreakOut!
* "I've got my top hat and cane and a pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles..."
* Stewie to Olivia: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch" (makes a face as Lois drives away)
!!47. - Stuck Together, Torn Apart
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IWJCNCy-l8 Peter's jealousy issues...]]
* Joe shows his new automated police van's arrest feature to Peter and it simply cuffs him, but when Cleveland tries it out, [[DeliberateValuesDissonance it detects that he's black and declares him a minority suspect, beats him with two truncheons, and plants a gun next to him to make it look like he's armed]].
** The van is later shown to have a cloaking feature that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting each other for a wedge of cheese.
** While using the van's surveillance equipment to spy on Lois and Ross, Peter turns up the dial so high that Quagmire's thoughts become audible. Evidently, he got a genital rash from a woman he gave a ride to the gas station and is thinking about how much it itches.
* Peter and Lois' marriage counselor puts cameras around the family's house to determine their behaviors... some of the things he came across as "an accurate cross-section" are weird, to say the least.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifn2FZU3Dk4 "Dance with me Lois, dance the Dance of Life!"]]
* The tape of the Griffin family's "uncensored behavior"...
-->'''Peter:''' ''(while in hula skirts with Chris)'' No! It's step, hip, step, ''pivot''! ''(slaps him)'' Are you ''trying'' to piss off the volcano?!
* Peter [[PersonaNonGrata isn't allowed at the disco place anymore]] because he mistook the ball for a piñata and broke it with a bat, then ate some of the shards.
-->'''Peter:''' (as blood slowly oozes out of his mouth) Crafty Mexicans and their glass candy.
!!48. - Road to Europe
* Peter is ''very'' LateToTheRealization...
-->(KISS has just announced that they are coming to the Northeast for their tour)\\
'''Peter:''' Awww, hell the Northeast! It's times like this I curse the fact that [[WrongAssumption we live in French Polynesia...]]\\
'''Lois:''' No Peter, we're in the Northeast.\\
'''Peter:''' We are?...and ''KISS'' is coming to the Northeast...that means...ummmm...\\
'''Lois:''' That means...\\
'''Peter:''' No, no, no Lois, don't help me...it means we can do ''something''...\\
'''Lois (encouraging):''' Come on Peter, you're almost there...\\
(Cut to Peter at the Dentist's office, presumably at least a day later, getting his teeth worked on with a drill)\\
'''Peter:''' [[DelayedReaction We can go to KISS-Stock!!]]\\
(Peter sits up when he realizes it, sending the drill into his poor dentist's [[EyeScream eye]])
* Any scene with UsefulNotes/ThePope.
-->'''Cardinal:''' Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.\\
'''Pope:''' It's a ''stupid'' hat!\\
(later to Brian and Stewie)\\
'''Pope:''' You make-a the Pope look like a ''fool!'' God will make you pay! ''SMITE THEM!'' ''[[{{Beat}} (pause that lasts for several seconds)]]'' He's-a cookin'-a something up.
* Brian points out some missing pages on German history...
--> '''German Tour Guide:''' "I vill hear no more insinuations about [[ThoseWackyNazis ze German people]]! [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!]] Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!" (Performs the salute)
--> '''Brian (nervously):''' "...Is that a beer-hall?..."
--> '''German Tour Guide (calmly):''' "Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer-halls..."
* Stewie trying to find out if one of the passengers on the train is Tom Bosley or not.
* When Stewie tearfully realizes that "Jolly Farm" is all fake, Brian tries comforting him.
-->'''Brian:''' You wanna go get some ice cream?\\
''(Stewie shakes his head 'no')''\\
'''Brian:''' You wanna get some [=McDonald=]'s?\\
''(Stewie shakes his head 'no')''\\
'''Brian:''' You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?\\
''(Stewie nods his head 'yes')''\\
'''Brian:''' Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
* In the [[Music/{{KISS}} "KISS-Stock"]] subplot, when two members of KISS walk out, and the other break into "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," surprising the crowd. [[https://youtu.be/-KIf0edawmI?t=24 Seriously.]]
!!49. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 1
!!!A - No Bones About It
* After becoming boneless, Peter says that he has to fart but doesn't know which way to lean.
* Stewie makes a snow angel in Peter, then prepares to pee his name into him.
* When the Griffins go to the mall, Peter ends up getting caught in an escalator.
* On a teacup ride at [[Ride/DisneyThemeParks Disney World]], Peter gets sent flying into a bathhouse where Michael Eisner unknowingly uses him as a towel.
!!!B - [=SuperGriffins=]
* The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can {{shapeshift|ing}}, Chris has [[PlayingWithFire pyrokinesis]], Stewie has an enlarged brain and telekinesis, Brian has SuperSpeed, Lois has SuperStrength... and [[ButtMonkey Meg]] can make her fingernails grow out.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
* Peter and Brian's resulting conversation while they're watching an episode of Series/SesameStreet with the Count.
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, is the Count a vampire?\\
'''Brian:''' What's that?\\
'''Peter:''' Well, y'see, he's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on him?\\
'''Brian:''' [[LetMeGetThisStraight You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody... and then sucks their blood for sustenance?]]\\
'''Peter:''' Yeah.\\
'''Brian:''' No, they've never done that.
!!!C - Lil' Griffins
* They play the TwoScenesOneDialogue trope with Peter and Quagmire each discussing the same plans of scaring the other group... though it's a little lopsided.
-->'''Peter:''' We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-\\
'''Peter:''' -then we can say that we spent-\\
'''Quagmire:''' [[SmashCut -the-]] \\
'''Peter:''' -night. Then, everyone will think we're-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -the-\\
'''Peter:''' -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. [[SignatureLaugh Heheheheheheheh-]]\\
'''Quagmire:''' [[CatchPhrase Al-]]''[[CatchPhrase riiiiiiiigh-]]'' \\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -ehhhhhhh-\\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -eeght.\\
''(beat as Quagmire silently looks around)''\\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh.
!!50. - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
* When Peter is scammed out of Lois's rainy day money, he sees Lois having a phone conversation with Babs, who thinks Lois would've been better off marrying a chimp. When Peter gets the money back, Lois says she's going to call Babs again and tell her to "tell that chimp across the street [imitating monkey sounds]".
* When Lois says she's against Meg getting laser eye surgery, there's a cutaway of [[Franchise/StarWars Luke Skywalker]] ([[RoleReprise voiced by]] Creator/MarkHamill [[RoleReprise himself, no less!]]) trying to make an incision on a woman's eyes [[MundaneUtility with his lightsaber]]. Obi-Wan tells him to use the Force and he accidentally sends the saber [[EyeScream through her eye and out the back of her head]]. He asks Obi-Wan if he's happy, to which he forlornly replies that he's never been happy.
[[/folder]]
----
[[folder: Season One]]
!!1. - Death Has a Shadow
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjSTbVgIsWQ Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream]]. Also check out how his eyes change size[[labelnote:*]]Okay, this was more being OffModel than anything, but still[[/labelnote]].
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlcZ2zXvLgM Peter seeing]] ''Film/{{Philadelphia}}'' after having an Irish coffee.
* Peter [[FreudianSlipperySlope trying to keep his job loss a secret]] from Lois.
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, Lois, the lost-my-job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
-->'''Lois:''' Peter, are you feeling OK?
-->'''Peter:''' I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.
* Peter taking the family out for the most expensive meal they've ever had: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQF10YgDFBk ordering six thousand chicken fa-jie-tas at a fast food drive-thru.]]
** [[LampshadeHanging "And a so-sauge McBiscuit, please."]]
* The various deadly [[MyLittlePanzer "toys"]] that end up in the hands of children thanks to Peter's negligence at his job (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
-->'''Girl:''' C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
* "Hey man, your clock won't flush!"
* This exchange:
--> '''Peter:''' I feel kinda bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.\\
'''Quagmire:''' Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.\\
'''Peter:''' ''(cheers up)'' Gee, I never thought of it like ''that''!
* After losing his job, Peter tries to avoid letting Lois see him not at work by disguising himself as a lamp and standing in the corner of the living room.
!!2. - I Never Met the Dead Man
* The entirety of Stewie's war against broccoli.
-->'''Stewie:''' (after Lois tries to get him to eat it by pretending it's an airplane) Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
* Peter's trip to the American Southwest:
-->'''Peter:''' Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?\\
'''Wile E. Coyote:''' No.\\
'''Peter:''' Are you sure?\\
'''Wile E. Coyote:''' Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
* While Peter is teaching Meg how to drive, they get into a race with an Amish man who jumps out of his carriage when a wheel comes loose and it careens off the road. [[MadeOfExplodium It explodes]] [[EveryCarIsAPinto like a real car,]] [[RuleOfFunny then the horse that was pulling it follows suit]]. Peter then criticizes Meg for not flipping the driver off.
* The new FOX reality show: ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vihBGUuGCNo Fast Animals, Slow Children.]]''
* When Meg fails her driving test, Peter tries to comfort her by saying that he's had his share of disappointments; in a cutaway of Meg being born, the doctor informs Peter that she's a girl, and Peter, who was evidently hoping for a boy and is carrying a bunch of sporting equipment, asks him to check again.
* When a mob comes after Peter and Meg when they crash into the transmitter, Peter convinces them to take pity on Meg because [[BlatantLies she got her arm shot off in Vietnam]]. They believe him, despite Meg very clearly having both of her arms.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7rbG3ggdYk This]] Franchise/ScoobyDoo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Creator/FrankWelker voicing Fred.
* Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog, before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston.
* When Brian scoffs at Peter claiming to give up TV cold turkey, he reminds him of the time Peter tried to give up eating candy...in Film/{{Willy Wonka|AndTheChocolateFactory}}'s factory:
-->'''Wonka:''' I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?\\
'''Peter:''' (swollen up and blue like Violet in the movie) [[ImplausibleDeniability No]].\\
'''Wonka:''' I'm just asking--\\
'''Peter:''' What, are you calling me a liar?\\
'''Wonka:''' No, I'm just saying--\\
'''Peter:''' Hey, shut up, Wonka!
* The cutaway of a young Peter trying to sneak into an R-rated movie [[MobileShrubbery disguised as a shrub]].
* At the Bavarian Folk Festival, there are two booths selling German bratwurst and Polish sausage. Suddenly, [[ThoseWackyNazis the bratwurst vendor knocks the sausage vendor out and steals his stand]], then a nearby Czech wiener vendor looks uncomfortable.
!!3. - Chitty Chitty Death Bang
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKmH0CBlfzE Peter's version of how he accidentally canceled the reservation for Stewie's birthday party at Cheesie Charlie's.]]
-->'''Boy at the prize counter (Timmy):''' I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough?\\
'''Man behind counter:''' Oh I'm sorry, Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.\\
''(The man presses a button causing Timmy to fall down a trapdoor screaming)''
** Before the flashback itself, Brian pulls up a stool, mentioning how "these things are always good." And when Lois ends the flashback, Brian sarcastically applauds Peter, calling him "the Spaulding Gray of crap."
* Peter getting a literal "big ass" pinata.
-->'''Brian:''' ''(sighs)'' [[DeadpanSnarker I sure hope candy]] [[ToiletHumour comes out of that.]]
!!4. - Mind Over Murder
* Stewie crying out in pain from teething, and Lois' nonchalant reaction to it.
--> '''Stewie:''' *Yelling from his bed* DAMN IT TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL! \\
'''Lois:''' *In the living room* Well, the baby's up.
* [[Series/SesameStreet Bert]] as [[Series/NYPDBlue Sipowitz]], bare-assed and all.
-->'''Ernie:''' Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.\\
'''Bert:''' Well, Ernie, ''I'' wish you wouldn't eat cookies '''in the damn bed!'''
** Even funnier, there actually ''is'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh7RbjHqs_g a "cookies in bed" sketch]], which ends with Ernie and Bert in the same bed.
!!5. - A Hero Sits Next Door
* Peter's pitch for a new toy: ''[[Series/TheFactsOfLife Facts of Life]]'' Franchise/{{Transformers}}. His figure of Blair has two alt modes, one where she's simply fatter and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from ''Franchise/JurassicPark'' and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
* "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
* This exchange:
-->'''Baseball Player 1:''' Hey, you want some gum?\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' Sure, thanks!\\
'''Baseball Player 1:''' Ha ha, that was joke gum!\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' Whaddya mean?\\
'''Baseball Player 1:''' Now you're addicted to heroin!\\
''(both laugh)''\\
'''Baseball Player 2:''' ''(starts shivering)'' I-I'm cold...
* Peter singing to kids at Sunday school and improvising after he forgets the words:
-->''Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch,''\\
''Because he always puts Skippy in my lunch.''
!!6. - The Son Also Draws
* Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, [[ColdTurkeysAreEverywhere the world seems to want to remind him that:]] They pass by sign saying "Dump, next left," a truck with the sign "WIDE LOAD," a furniture store with sign saying "All stools must go!", another car with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu", and a sign reading [[EuphemismBuster "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces."]]
-->'''Peter:''' [[LampshadeHanging Oh come on, that one's not even real!]]
* "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
* The cutaway of Peter and Chris trying to get into the fair by wearing a horse costume.
-->'''Peter:''' One, please.\\
''(Chris, the tail end, sneezes)''\\
'''Ticket salesman:''' Hey wait a second, your ass just sneezed! [[CaptainObvious And horses can't talk! No no no, nothing about this adds up at all!]]
* "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! ''*reverses into the car behind*'' And, uh... neither will that guy. ''*drives off the right way*''
* One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
-->'''Tree:''' Stupid bastard!
* After Peter tells the casino owners that he saw a spirit vision:
--> '''Leonard''': Man, I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean sure, this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity. But what is the price of our souls?\\
'''Guy''': $6 million a week.\\
'''Leonard''': That sounds right. ''(to Peter)'' Here, take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet.
!!7. - Brian: Portrait of a Dog
* At the dog show, when the announcer points out how hot it is, a bird bursts into flames.
* "What did you see? Was it breasts?"
* With Brian gone, the Griffins get a cat at Stewie's suggestion. Naturally, [[CatsAreMean it's pretty mean]].
-->'''Peter:''' (as the cat pulls on his eyelids) [[PunctuatedForEmphasis "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."]]
* In jail, Brian's cellmate is a non-sentient dog who wants to kill him. Brian distracts him to perform a GroinAttack, only to find that he's been neutered.
* To save Brian from being executed, Peter mails Creator/RichardDeanAnderson a rubber band, a paper clip and a straw so he can {{MacGyver|ing}} a solution. Anderson uses them to make a sort of slingshot and [[EyeScream hits himself in the eye]] with the rubber band.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Season Two]]
!!8. - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater
* Peter's recount of being with Lois's parents during the holidays. Carter drops a pocketwatch near the fireplace and asks Peter to pick it up before kicking him into said fireplace and [[ManOnFire setting him on fire]], then tries to "put him out" by hitting him with a piece of firewood while Babs just laughs.
* Peter goes into an angry spiel upon hearing Lois' aunt is coming over. When she chastises him, he retorts by saying "sometimes it's okay to swear."
-->'''Bailiff:''' [[SubvertedTrope Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?]]\\
'''Peter:''' I do.\\
'''{{beat}}'''\\
'''Peter:''' ''(sternly)'' [[DoubleSubversion You bastard.]]
* At Aunt Margerite's wake, Lois reveals that she left the Griffins something in her will. Peter ''takes Margerite's corpse out of the casket and starts dancing with it.'' He quickly stops when he realizes:
--> '''Peter''': [[CaptainObvious Oh my God. She's dead.]]
* Stewie orders one of his butlers to bring him his copy of the Wall Street Journal, then orders two other butlers to fight to the death. They do so without question.
* Brian has Peter hooked up to a machine that shocks him if he watches the right TV (tuned to ''Ricki Lake''). The left TV has ''Series/{{Frasier}}''.
--> '''Niles''': Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa, you sit ''around'' the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa.\\
'''Peter''': Huh. This ''is'' the smartest show on TV.\\
'''Guy''': Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend! She ain't supposed to be havin' no penis!\\
''(Peter glances right and is immediately zapped)''
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OH1IilFRN94 Brian getting drunk off his ass.]]
* When Peter is being thanked by the auctioneer for a ridiculously generous bid, he compares him to "the most generous man since Ted Turner."
-->'''Ted Turner:''' Uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate: I've colorized the moon.
* To pay off his bid, Peter tries to make Cherrywood look like a historical landmark so he can sell it. To this end, he makes it looks like Jesus wrote "Jesus was here" 51 years before he was born, then claims that a large hole in the wall is [[LiteralMinded where the stock market crashed in 1929, a toy train under the floorboards is]] UsefulNotes/HarrietTubman's Underground Railroad, and that a regular rock is where the pilgrims landed at Series/FraggleRock.
!!9. - Holy Crap
* Being a devout Catholic, Francis has never liked the fact that Lois is Protestant; in a flashback of Peter and Lois after their wedding, it's shown that under the "Just Married" sign on their limousine, he taped a sign adding "To a Protestant whore".
* As Francis was never around for Peter during the latter's childhood, a flashback shows Peter having gotten 3rd place in a father-son three-legged race that he had to run with [[CompanionCube a stalk of corn]].
* After Francis lulls Stewie to sleep by reading him a passage of the Bible, Brian brings up God telling Abraham to kill Isaac. We're treated to UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln shooting Isaac Hayes to death, causing a woman nearby to gasp in shock.
* Francis is grilling Peter on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "[[Literature/CuriousGeorge Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital?]]"
* The parody of ''Series/TheDickVanDykeShow'', which involves the main character simply tripping over an ottoman, then falling on a glass table and getting impaled by the shards, getting hit in the face with a clothing iron, stumbling into the kitchen and slipping on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falling onto and breaking the kitchen table, opening a drawer and getting his face stabbed with utensils, before finally a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. Francis then changes the channel:
-->'''Lois:''' Francis, we were watching that.\\
'''Francis:''' Well, I'll tell you how it ends: Laura burns the roast, and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants.
* Franchise/{{Superman}} in Hell:
-->'''Peter:''' ''(after seeing [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler Hitler]], John Wilkes Booth, and UsefulNotes/AlCapone sitting alongside Superman)'' What are you doing here?\\
'''Superman:''' I killed a hooker. She made a crack about [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre me being faster than a speeding bullet]], so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
* When Peter realizes that The Pope is in town, this happens:
-->'''Peter:''' [[ZanyScheme I just got a crazy idea!]]\\
''[[SubvertedTrope (pulls out waffle iron and jams his hand in it)]]''\\
'''Peter:''' '''AGH! AGH! WHY!? WHY!?''' ''(pulls it out)'' [[DoubleSubversion I just got another crazy idea!]] ''(runs off)''
!!10. - Da Boom
* The fact that the very ''apocalypse'' was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A flautist, Peter!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt55S85k2z0 Peter attempting to feed]] beans to [[Series/MagnumPI Thomas Magnum]] through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up onscreen. Seth [=MacFarlane=] has said that this is his favorite moment of the show.
** It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
* Peter eats an entire year's worth of dehydrated meals and complains that he's still hungry, then drinks a glass of water and expands. He then tells everyone present to leave because he has to poop, but when they don't comply, he yells "NOW!" and they all run away.
* When a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
-->'''Joe:''' ''BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!''
** The best bit? He shows back up later in the episode, dug up from the asphalt completely unharmed. ''[[CrazyAwesome HE]] [[OffscreenMomentOfAwesome WON.]]''
!!11. - Brian in Love
* The cutaway of the Griffins, Cleveland, and Quagmire staging an intervention for Peter when he's spent the last eight months wearing a giant foam cowboy hat.
* When Brian watches ''Series/ThePriceIsRight'' with Bob Barker giving his "spay and neuter your pets" sign-off, Brian mutters "Oh, just die already".
* Peter looks for a potty-training book for Stewie. The salesman offers him "Everybody Poops" and the less popular "Nobody Poops But You", then when Peter says that he's Catholic, the salesman offers him "You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming out the Back of You".
* Apparently, Peter never learned how to use a toilet by himself until after he got married.
* "Oh my God! You can talk!"
** Brian's apathetic reaction to the aforementioned line is even more hilarious.
* Brian goes skydiving, but before he jumps his instructor realizes that he gave him a parachute bag full of silverware. He gives Brian another bag... with an anvil, which the instructor says is probably fine.
* Brian has a drive out in the woods, but then accidentally hits a guy coming out of nowhere with his car. When he jumps out to help him:
-->'''Brian:''' Oh my God! Are you Creator/StephenKing?\\
'''Man:''' No, I'm Creator/DeanKoontz.\\
'''Brian:''' ''(uninterested)'' Oh.\\
''(Brian walks back to his car... [[TakeThat then runs over Koontz once more, then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)]]''
* The cutaway of Peter going to a drive-in movie theater, but he has his car parked backward so he can't see the screen and declares "This sucks!"
!!12. - Love Thy Trophy
* Peter's theme for a parade float is based on the ''Series/WhosTheBoss'' episode "Briefless Encounter" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. When Lois says that it might be esoteric, a board of directors in Peter's brain try to decipher the meaning of "esoteric" and agree that [[IsItSomethingYouEat it means delicious]].
-->'''Peter:''' Lois, ''Who's the Boss?'' is not a food.\\
'''Brian:''' Swing and a miss.
* Stewie at Flappy Jack's:
-->'''Stewie:''' Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
* [[ItMakesSenseInContext Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.]]
-->'''Stewie:''' I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? [[TorosYFlamenco Yo quiero]] pancakes! [[GayParee Donnez moi]] pancakes! [[DarkestAfrica Click click]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice bloody click]] pancakes!
* The part where Stewie manipulates the other children into fighting and then gloats about it:
-->'''Stewie:''' Dance, puppets, ''dance''!
!!13. - Death Is a Bitch
* When Peter has a breast cancer scare, he refuses to see a doctor and tells Lois that they should just ignore it like they do with the squid. The camera zooms out to show [[ElephantInTheLivingRoom a squid seated at their kitchen table]] who violently yanks the tablecloth off along with everything on it, which Lois and Peter respectfully pretend was an earthquake and a truck going by.
** Later when Death tells Peter that he has to take his place until Death's ankle heals, the camera dramatically zooms in on the Griffins, [[BrickJoke then the squid]].
* Death himself solemnly explains the necessity of dying and brings up the idea of a world if Adolf Hitler was still alive. [[MoodWhiplash Cut to Hitler hosting a talk show]] where he interviews Creator/ChristianSlater and asks to see his ass, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-[[SuddenlyShouting DU WERDEST EINE]] [[GratuitousGerman KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN]][[labelnote:*]]"You will need a nurse!"[[/labelnote]]."
!!14. - The King Is Dead
* Peter walks in on Tom Tucker doing a seductive pose to himself in the mirror. Tom repeatedly stammers "Get out of here!" and trips over a chair in the process.
* Peter's [[InNameOnly version]] of ''Theatre/TheKingAndI''. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (Then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
* "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
!!15. - I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar
* The slides in the timeshare presentation initially start off normal, until they randomly show the property as having [[OurOgresAreHungrier ogres]] attacking and eating the residents.
* "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
* The time [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vXbmlOPPoQ Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mujdL2BX2w Peter trying to breastfeed Stewie.]]
!!16. - If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
* When Chris suggests writing a letter to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, Peter said he tried that once and it got him in a lot of trouble. We then cut to Peter writing a letter saying, "If you don't put ''Series/{{Coach}}'' back on the air, I'll be very upset. The skillful acting of Creator/CraigTNelson will be missed a lot." But then he accidentally spills white-out on the letter, making it now read, "If you dont put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson," right before Peter sticks it in an envelope. In the next scene, Craig T. Nelson appears on Peter's doorstep. He then hands Peter a gun and tells him to "Make it quick."
* Peter's first attempt to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel un-canceled:
-->'''Peter:''' Well, until you put'' Gumbel 2 Gumbel ''back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Peter:''' You gonna eat that stapler?\\
'''Executive:''' You can't eat a stapler...\\
'''Peter:''' Wanna split it?
* At a meeting at NBC headquarters, one of the execs protests that everything they come up with is the same generic thing and suggests they come up with something new. In response, the network president beats him to death with a framed poster for ''Series/JustShootMe''
* Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
--> '''Peter:''' I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.\\
'''Brian:''' Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't ''nothing''?\\
''(brief pause)''\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, yeah.
* The scene where the Gumbel brothers are interrogating the purse snatcher, where the one who asked the criminal goes "Mmm-hmm, mm. Mmm-hmm, mm, etc" in an endless loop fashion.
* One of the things that Peter has his worshippers do for him is letting him use two of them as shoes.
* The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out. Stewie, not so much.
-->'''Stewie:''' (''still playing with his boat'') How delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
* Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
-->'''Brian:''' You want an explanation?! (''grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him'') [[PunctuatedForEmphasis GOD! IS! PISSED!]]
!!17. - Running Mates
* The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its hand instead of kissing it.
* At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement so he quotes the opening theme songs of, in turn, ''Series/OneDayAtATime'', ''Series/DiffrentStrokes'', and ''Series/TheFactsOfLife'', ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"
!!18. - A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Bucks
* Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of ''WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones''. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
* "Work of art, or container of crazy purple {{knockout gas}}?!"
** He then ends up spraying himself with it.
* Brian recalling the last time he went to the theater with Peter. The family is seeing ''Uncle Vanya'', but Peter is just staring in disbelief at a scene before finally shouting, "What the hell is this?! For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!"
* Meg accidentally calling Big Bird with her bird calls.
--> '''Big Bird:''' Yeah? ''Well'', whaddya want?\\
'''Meg:''' Uh...\\
'''Big Bird:''' You called me, right?\\
'''Meg:''' Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.\\
'''Big Bird:''' Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh?\\
'''Peter:''' Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.\\
'''Big Bird:''' I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. ''(spits)'' Bitch.
* This OverlyLongGag:
--> '''Meg''': I quit.\\
'''Peter''': Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me. Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'! Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus. Don't, don't you go to [=LaGuardia=]! Meg? Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. Don't shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia-- okay, now I'm pissed.
* The cutaway with Robert Mapplethorpe as a caricaturist for a little kid:
--> '''Mapplethorpe''': Uh, okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star?\\
'''Tim''': Uh, Reggie Jackson.\\
'''Mapplethorpe''': Okay, I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
!!19. - Fifteen Minutes of Shame
* The [[TheTeaser cold opening]] of the episode has Peter painting alongside ''Series/TheJoyOfPainting'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70OQN_MK5K8 which takes one hell of a sudden turn.]]
* The utterly ridiculous scene of a live confession between a couple on Diane Simmons' talk show:
--> '''Mario:''' Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm not really a man. [[GenderReveal I'm a woman.]] ''(takes off disguise as crowd cheers in excitement)''\\
'''Erica:''' Oh mah god, you're a woman?\\
'''Mario:''' Well... actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse. ''(takes off'' another ''disguise)''\\
'''Erica:''' Oh mah god, you're a horse!?\\
'''Mario:''' Actually, I'm not really a horse. [[RuleOfThree I'm a broom.]] ''(takes off'' ANOTHER ''disguise, revealing an inanimate broom that tips over as the audience goes nuts)''\\
'''Diane:''' Okay, okay! So, how do you feel?\\
'''Erica:''' To be honest with you, Diane, [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight I'm surprised.]]
* As the Griffins are having dinner at the shanty and Meg loudly [[ItMakesSenseInContext gets fed up with them being on reality TV,]] [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Stewie can be visibly seen in the tank behind them having an intense battle with a lobster.]]
!!20. - Road to Rhode Island
* "[[BlatantLies I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment.]] ''(puke)'' And a stomach virus. ''(collapse)'' And an inner ear infection."
* Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
-->'''Stewie:''' Oh, for God's sake. There's only one way to put an end to this. ''(yells)'' [[HiddenWire He's wearing a wire]]!\\
'''Dealer:''' ''What?'' You son of a--\\
''(cue gunshots and the sound of a body falling over. Stewie yawns, rolls over, and goes to sleep)''
* This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
-->'''Brian:''' Look, I just need some time to think.\\
'''Stewie:''' Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...\\
'''Brian:''' You left out [[PreemptiveDeclaration the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield]].\\
'''Stewie:''' Well now, funny, I don't recall...\\
''(Brian slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)''\\
'''Stewie:''' ''(gets back up)'' Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
* Brian and Stewie try to get to Brian's old home via a crop duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
-->'''Stewie:''' Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
* Peter trying to explain to Lois why he bought another "relationship tape" to save their romance.
-->'''Peter:''' Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes... I-I mean nickels and boobs... Money! ''(runs to the bedroom with the tape)'' I'll be upstairs!
* Then when Lois catches on:
-->'''Relationship Doctor:''' And then guess what I'm going to add?\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, jeez, if she says "Mrs. Dash", I'm gonna lose it.\\
'''Relationship Doctor:''' I'm going to add—\\
''(the tape cuts to an angry Lois via static)''\\
'''Lois:''' Peter! ''(Peter screams)'' I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.\\
'''Peter:''' Wow, usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.\\
'''Lois:''' If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty ''(starts stripping)'' you shoulda told me.
** And while Peter and Lois kiss, the former keeps replaying Lois' "you shoulda told me" on the tape.
!!21. - Let's Go to the Hop
* Peter describing his experiences with drugs, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8hIPdqeKts how things got "way too real."]]
* Peter seeking advice from a poster of [[Music/TheAllmanBrothersBand Greg Allman]]:
-->'''Peter:''' Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?\\
'''Greg:''' Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Music/{{Cher}}. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.
!!22. - Dammit Janet!
* Meg mentions how Peter once turned the house into a giant puppet.
--> '''Peter:''' Hey! Hey! Nobody better come in here! I'm the Griffin house! Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!
!!23. - There's Something About Paulie
* After buying a shoddy car because the salesman convinced him that it belonged to Franchise/JamesBond, Peter prepares to drive it out of the lot only for it to immediately break down. When he believes that the dealership will fix the car for him and Lois, the dealership building promptly collapses behind them.
* At the start of the episode, Peter enlists the help of a shady individual who asks Peter to write down his phone number on his gun. When Peter makes a mistake, he casually crumples up the gun like a piece of paper and asks if the man has another.
* When Peter meets face-to-face with TheDon who asks him for a favor, which Peter assumes is gonna involve him killing someone.
--> '''Peter:''' What are you gonna make me do!? Whack a guy? Off a guy? [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Whack off]] [[BreadEggsMilkSquick a guy?]] 'Cause I'm married!
* After Big Fat Paulie gets involved in a [[OverlyLongGag VERY long]] drive-by shooting and falls over dead, Peter's first reaction?
--> '''Peter:''' Ah jeez! [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction You okay?]]
* When Peter realizes Lois has a mob hit on her now, he plans to move the family to England, where the worst thing there are "drive-by... arguments."
-->'''Englishman:''' I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?\\
'''Jeremy:''' Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.\\
'''Englishman:''' Oh, let's get him.\\
''(They drive up)''\\
'''Englishman:''' Oh Reginald...\\
''(Reginald perks up)''\\
'''Englishman:''' I DISAGREE! ''(car peels off)''
* When Peter has to find the Don to call off the hit on Lois, he can only find a mobster in a [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial "Pet Store. That's It, Pet Store."]]
-->'''Peter:''' Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife, where's the Don?\\
'''Mobster:''' ''[[BadBadActing (loud and monotone)]]'' The Don!? I don't know what you're talking about! ''(holds up a sign saying "THE COPS HAVE THIS PLACE BUGGED")''\\
'''Peter:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Come on, you know, the Don! You know, the captain of the mafia!]]\\
'''Mobster:''' ''(holds up another sign saying [[CantYouReadTheSign "WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON?")]]'' Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia! ''(hands Peter an envelope and pulls out a longer sign)''\\
'''Peter:''' ''[[ComicallyMissingThePoint (reading aloud)]]'' "The Don's daughter is getting married tomorrow, here's my invitation." ''(looks at envelope)'' "Now get the [[ReadingTheStageDirectionsOutLoud asterisk-]][[SymbolSwearing percent-ampersand]] out of here you SOB." [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What's a sob?]]\\
''(mobster decks him in the head with the sign)''
* Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Don's daughter.
-->'''Peter:''' Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUN! DAAAAAAAAH!\\
''(Mobsters reach into their shirts)''
-->'''Peter:''' [[SomethingSomethingLeonardBernstein Frebuhuhmuecuh]] in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!\\
''(Mobsters aim their guns)''\\
'''Peter:''' For my next number...\\
''(Mobsters'' '''''cock''''' ''their guns)''\\
'''Peter:''' [[OhCrap Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!]]
* This cutaway:
--> '''Dr. Hartman''': Mr Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.\\
'''Peter''': Oh. Well, what about the-\\
'''Dr. Hartman''': ''(interrupting)'' Testicles.\\
'''Peter''': ...Huh.
* Peter mistakes Louie Anderson for Big Fat Paulie, to which Louie [[GroinAttack kicks him in the groin]] for it.
!!24. - He's Too Sexy for His Fat
* When Brian explains previous techniques to get rid of fleas, it cuts to him getting acupuncture by a Chinese doctor [[UnexplainedAccent with an inexplicably thick Irish accent.]] Even in the official commentary, the crew is flummoxed as to where he's from.
-->'''Brian:''' Hey, doc, do you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?\\
''(cut to a shelf with boxes listing "Needles" and "Poison Tipped Needles" next to each other)''\\
'''Acupuncturist:''' Why? What do they say?\\
'''Brian:''' ''[[{{Beat}} (beat)]]'' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I think we're through here.]]
* When fleas infest their household:
-->'''Lois:''' Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!\\
'''Peter:''' (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.\\
'''Lois:''' Peter, this isn't a contest!\\
'''Peter:''' (proudly) It was then.\\
''(Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks")''\\
\\
'''Peter:''' There's only one thing to do--learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.\\
'''Lois:''' '''CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!'''
* To get Chris to run on a treadmill, Peter sticks a dart on Chris's forehead with a Twinkie tied to the other end so he'll chase after it. He later manages to get it by laying on his back and says that he'll turn it into poo.
* One of Chris's exercises is swimming upstream like a salmon. He's grabbed in the jaws of a bear, where Peter tells him to soil himself like they practiced.
* After Peter introduces his new thin body to the family:
-->'''Stewie:''' My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!
* Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts to Peter with this without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
-->'''Brian:''' Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without-- holy crap, it's Peter.
* Lois chastizing Peter when he's allowed into the "Beautiful People's Club" but Chris isn't:
-->'''Lois:''' Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head!?\\
'''Peter:''' Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!\\
'''Lois:''' That doesn't make any sense!\\
'''Peter:''' It doesn't have to, [[ScrewTheRulesImBeautiful I'm beautiful]]!
* Peter thinking a girl selling lemonade is a drug dealer:
-->'''Little Girl:''' But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! ''(Peter smashes the lemonade stand)''
* "Well if my son can't come in, then ''I'll'' just come in! See you at home, Chris."
* The episode's B-plot sees Stewie pigging out on sweets to make Chris envious, only to [[TemporaryBulkChange gradually balloon up himself]]. Highlights include:
** Fat!Stewie trying to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EdcMwM4-qM ride a spring-loaded horsey]] at the park. "Well then. Giddy-up."
** Stewie attempting to eat an ice cream cone, only to be unable to reach it; he then insults another baby passing by. The effort makes him pass out.
* Dr. Hartman (in one of his first appearances) removing Peter's "protective Mr. Potato Head mask" after surgery.
* The end of the episode sees Peter [[StatusQuoIsGod gain all of the weight he lost back]] by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car [[ContrivedCoincidence into a conveniently located lard factory]]. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" And then the episode just ''stops.'' [[note]]Commentary reveals that the writers ''did'' have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him [[LampshadeHanging outright declaring]] his AesopAmnesia was funnier.[[/note]]
!!25. - E. Peterbus Unum
* As Peter initially digs out the family's backyard himself for a pool when he's denied a tax refund, he accidentally cuts through a power line, shutting off Joe's TV, Quagmire's sex doll, [[RuleOfFunny and for some reason, Cleveland's trampoline.]]
* [[http://www.adultswim.com/videos/family-guy/peters-pool-permit/ The entire scene]] where Peter goes to [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} Mayor]] [[Creator/AdamWest Adam]] [[AdamWesting West's]] office for a pool permit, from when he jumps Peter and beats the crap out of him [[NoodleIncident thinking he's the district attorney]] to him [[OverlyLongGag enjoying his taffy.]] Seth [=MacFarlane=] says in the commentary "You should've seen him recording this, he was giving 110% that day."
* When Peter technically annexes Joe's pool as part of [[{{Egopolis}} Petoria,]] we cut to the US army informing then-president UsefulNotes/BillClinton and discussing their options. Their discussion is rather straightforward, but for some inexplicable reason, [[NakedPeopleAreFunny Clinton is completely nude.]]
* The [[SeriousBusiness complete and utter ridiculousness]] of the US imposing political sanctions against Petoria is best summed up with this [[TheComicallySerious straight-face line]] as Tom Tucker reports live from the military blockade:
--> '''Tom:''' I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off all electricity, water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
** What's more, Tom acts like he's doing serious war coverage, and afterwards he reports "Oh my god, they're opening fire!" as sounds fire off in the background... and then the camera pans to Tom simply popping bubble wrap and playing a slide whistle.
* In a hilarious fluke gag, as the US finally engages [[OperationBlank "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House"]] ("The guy who comes up with the names is on vacation!"), their first missile misfires, instead hitting Quagmire's house. It doesn't explode, it just casually juts partway through the roof as Quagmire and a random woman are having wine on the couch.
--> '''Quagmire:''' [[OrphanedPunchline To answer your question,]] [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything something like that.]]
* When everyone but Brian leaves Peter in his war against the US, Brian says that he's been with him through worse. Cut to Peter and Brian on a Ferris wheel where [[ManOnFire Peter is inexplicably on fire]].
* The cutaway where Peter's grandfather worked in Termite Terrace.
--> '''Producer''': Okay, we've narrowed it down to two possible names. All in favor of "WesternAnimation/BugsBunny"? ''(everyone except Peter raises their hands)'' And all in favor of "Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?\\
''(nobody raises their hand except Peter)''\\
'''Peter's grandfather''': ''(offended)'' Oh, you can all go to hell! ''(storms out)''
* Peter at the United Nations:
-->'''UN podium guy:''' Is there a problem back there?\\
'''Peter:''' You bet your funny accent there's a problem, I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds! I am president of Petoria, I want a better seat.\\
'''UN podium guy:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Oh, of course, how could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front.]]\\
'''Peter:''' Well, that's more like it!\\
'''UN podium guy:''' [[SarcasmMode And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space?]]\\
'''Peter:''' [[SarcasmBlind They]] ''[[SarcasmBlind have]]'' [[SarcasmBlind those?]]\\
''(other UN representatives laugh at Peter)''
!!26. - The Story on Page One
* When Mayor West pulls a DeliberateInjuryGambit to get out of Meg interviewing him, his aide hands her a CartoonBomb that explodes in her face, then her mouth is suddenly replaced with a WesternAnimation/DaffyDuck-style beak on the back of her head that she turns to her face and declares [[WesternAnimation/BugsBunny "Of course you realize, this means war!"]] before storming off.
* The sequence when Stewie imagines what being big would be like. Turns out he would [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvWo4fAg7lg open a Big and Tall Man's Shop]] for other plus-sized men. The image of Stewie's normal head on the body of a gigantic fat guy is hilarious.
** And immediately after, when Chris helps him get the Fig Newtons he was after, he begins to muse about using his older brother for his schemes--until he's interrupted by how good the Fig Newton tastes and screams "OH MY '''GOD,''' THERE'S AN '''ORGY''' IN MY '''MOUTH.'''"
* Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Creator/SethGreen affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy EvilBrit accent while spouting Stewie-esque AxCrazy [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon threats]] is ''hysterical''. The "''Family Guy'' Cast and Creator" episode of ''Inside The Actor's Studio'' reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
* Peter tries to cheer Meg up by giving her a pony that he kept in the closet, but evidently, he forgot to feed it and it turned into a skeleton.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh...Oh God, that's right. Ponies...P-Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.
!!27. - Wasted Talent
* This classic exchange:
-->'''Young Peter:''' Why did all the dinosaurs die out?\\
'''Museum Guide:''' Because you touch yourself at night.\\
''(brief pause, then Young Peter looks down in shame)''
* The whole ''Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory'' spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
-->'''Peter:''' It's like I've died and gone to Heaven! [[{{Dissimile}} And then they found out that it wasn't my time, so they just sent me back to a brewery.]]
** Since it's a ''Willy Wonka'' parody, there, of course, must be Oompa-Loompa {{exp|y}}ies--in this case, they're called the Chumba-Wumbas. What's Joe's "bad" behavior that gets him kicked off the tour? Being in a wheelchair (there's no ramp). The song the Chumba-Wumbas sing is [[CrossesTheLineTwice straight up insulting]].
-->''What do get when you're STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.''
** In a sight gag that's not even acknowledged in the episode itself, the fourth set of people on the tour are Grandpa Joe and Charlie themselves.
!!28. - Fore, Father
* Quagmire's car having blow-up dolls for airbags.
* After taking Cleveland Jr. as his golfing protégé, Peter asks him to call him Mr. Drummond. Peter later asks him to call him Mr. Papadapolis, but Cleveland Jr. draws the line at letting Peter call him Series/{{Webster}}.
* The cutaway of Kevin Swanson just having finished sex with his wife:
--> '''Wife:''' That was incredible, Kevin.\\
'''Kevin:''' I'm not here to impress you... ''(camera pulls back to reveal Joe next to their bed)'' am I, dad?\\
'''Joe:''' DID I SAY YOU COULD REST YET?!
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Season Three]]
[[quoteright:300:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/KangarooPouchRide_3881.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:300:Look at me, Lois, [[Franchise/WinnieThePooh I'm Roo!]]]]
!!29. - The Thin White Line
* Brian's stint as a seeing eye dog involves the odd act of taking a blind man to [[Film/TheBlairWitchProject a movie]].
-->'''Brian''': Okay, they're-they're in the woods... the camera keeps on moving... Uh, I think they're, they're looking for some witch or something, I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening... nothing's happening... something about a map. Nothing's happening... It's over. [[TakeThat A lot of people in the audience look pissed]].
* In the morning after Brian busts a drug operation, he rhetorically asks what the street value of the stolen cocaine would've been. ''Lois'' [[OutOfCharacterMoment of all people]] quickly does the mental math over the factors ("4.7 kilos, uncut Nicaraguan") and gives a correct estimate, surprising him. Lois, [[NoodleIncident is there something you should tell us?]]
* While admiring all of the activities the rehabilitation center offers for its patients, such as swimming, running and tennis, Chris muses, [[SincerityMode without a hint of irony in his voice]], "Wow! No wonder people do drugs!"
* Peter coming up with a LineOfSightAlias to explain why he's in the rehab cafeteria, and somehow manages to still say his real name. How? By spotting a "pea" on a dish, a "tear" running down a girl's face, and [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers an]] ''[[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers actual griffin]]'' flying through the cafeteria.
-->'''Peter:''' Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaWv1_XTmu0 I've often dreamt of a life at sea...]]"
* Peter's short stint as Music/GeorgeHarrison's security guard.
-->''(while George is fighting a burglar)'' Hey, hey. Quiet down out there! Ya wacky [[Music/TheBeatles Beatle...]]
!!30. - Brian Does Hollywood
* The action-packed PreviouslyOn sequence of scenes which obviously never happened in the show, let alone the previous episode.
* Near the beginning of the episode, there's a cutaway of Peter and Brian throwing a frisbee back and forth. Due to RuleOfFunny, Brian manages to accidentally cut off the top half of Peter's head with the frisbee and Peter yells "[[LampshadeHanging What are the odds?!]]" as the top of his head with his eyes stares up at the rest of him.
* One massive BlackComedyBurst comes from a cutaway when Peter mentions that he hasn't been to California since he lived with his other family. As it turns out, his other family was the [[UsefulNotes/CharlesManson Manson Family]]. When he tells them that he got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house, he says that he'll let them come if they promise not to [[{{Understatement}} embarrass him]].
* Brian obliviously asks "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" while entering the porno set. When he [[LateToTheRealization realizes what he's gotten himself into]], he repeats, with [[OhCrap a noticeably anxious tone]], "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right??"
* Chris, unaware that Brian is making a porno, wonders if Creator/SamuelLJackson is in it, seeing as "he's in everything." Cut to...
-->"Ok, [[NotHyperbole Sam]], I just need you to lie down next to the fireplace..."
* Lois says that it's best the family don't get in Brian's way because it wouldn't be the first time Peter's disrupted a performance. It then cuts to a performance of ''Theatre/{{Cats}}''... and Peter accidentally runs over one of the on-stage performers.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it. It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
* The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy-looking guys with synthesizers, and Music/JohnWilliams, who apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
** And of course, the other two are the ''show'''s composers, Ron Jones and Walter Murphy.
* When the actual physical award is shown, it's actually ''{{pixellat|ion}}ed''.
!!31. - Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
* [[BadLiar Peter]] coming up with an excuse to skip work for a baseball game: he was in a plane crash that killed his whole family and left him a vegetable. When Brian tells him that his excuses are lamer than [[UsefulNotes/FranklinDRoosevelt FDR]]'s legs, everyone gasps in shock, prompting Brian to ask "{{Too soon}}?"
* Chris' [[{{Metaphorgotten}} confused idiom]] as he waits for dinner.
-->'''Chris''': I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. ''(beat)'' [[LampshadeHanging I don't get it.]] [[{{Metaphorgotten}} I could ride it to the store, I guess...]]
* In the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon microfilm so that it's easier to clean... [[RealityEnsues then everybody slips because they got the floor too.]] The kicker?
--> '''Stewie:''' ''(sliding by on his butt, nude)'' [[NakedPeopleAreFunny I'm Nudes on Ice!]]
* "Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob... Dole..." ''*falls asleep*''
* Peter demonstrates his ability to recite all fifty states in less than a second. It's just a loud yelp.
* "[[SubliminalSeduction SMOKE!]]"
** "Are you smoking yet?"
* "[[Series/ThatGirl That]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjJS76wOUm0 Guy!]]"
** Just before the sequence begins, Peter is shown [[TooDumbToLive trying to lick a running desk fan]] (a BrickJoke from earlier when he sticks his penis in a pencil sharpener).
* Stewie lighting up a cigarette and going into GossipyHens mode:
-->"Oh, by the way, you'll never believe who I ran into at the market today: Patty Croft! Oh, and she has gotten ''faaaaaaaat''..."
* "Since I became president, [[TakeThat profits have been higher than]] Creator/AlyssaMilano." [[MediumBlending Cut to live-action footage of...]]
-->'''[[TheCameo Alyssa]]:''' What kind of cheap shot!? Joel! ''(pans over to her lawyer on the phone)'' \\
'''Joel:''' I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it!
* "Cigarettes killed my father... and RAPED my mother!"
* Peter hires Jewish writers. When he's addressing Congress, he asks them for a zinger to go out on, but they inform him that their lunch is here and leave Peter hanging. He improvises:
--> '''Peter:''' ...Well, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That%27s_My_Mama that's my mama!]] ''(nervous laugh)''
!!32. - One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
* As the Griffin family is huddled up with the approach of a hurricane and Lois tells everyone that the biggest danger to them is broken glass, she then chastises Peter for playing [[Theatre/AChorusLine "What I Did For Love"]] on [[TooDumbToLive wine glasses.]]
* Peter telling Chris how sometimes good things happen while you're asleep, cutting to Peter [[TalkingInYourSleep talking about someone named Jenny]] and Lois waking up angrily.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, Creator/RichardJeni, [[SubvertedTrope your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions.]]\\
''(Lois smiles and goes back to sleep)''\\
'''Peter:''' [[DoubleSubversion ...and what a sweet ass.]]\\
''(Lois' eyes immediately dart open)''
* When Peter and the gang head to the under-new-management Drunken Clam, [[UsefulNotes/BritishPubs they notice something's off...]]
--> '''Bartender:''' Evening, gents, how about a nice warm lager?\\
'''Patron 1:''' And help yourself to a packet of crisps?\\
'''Patron 2:''' Or a ruddy nice plum pudding?\\
'''Peter:''' Holy crap! [[ComicallyMissingThePoint It's a gay bar!]]
* Soon after a British man explains [[UsefulNotes/{{Cricket}} cricket]] to Peter:
-->'''Peter:''' Did anybody get that?\\
'''Cleveland:''' The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette".\\
'''Peter:''' Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
!!33. - And the Wiener is...
* Peter notices that there's apparently something wrong with Chris's leg. Then he realizes: ''"[[OhCrap Oh my god]], [[GagPenis that's not your leg!]]"''
!!34. - Death Lives
* The rather peculiar "gift" that Peter gave Lois on their last anniversary:
-->'''Lois:''' ''(opening a present)'' My goodness, a human thumb! Where did you ever find this?
-->'''Peter:''' ''(who has his hand tucked in his armpit, the armpit area of his shirt stained red, and is shivering violently)'' It was on eBay. ''(doubles over and vomits)'' OH GOD, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
* One result of Peter's attempts to golf is accidentally hitting a businessman talking to another over the phone:
-->'''Businessman 1:''' The fed is going to be lowering, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into-- ''(gets hit in the head with a stray ball)'' [[NonSequiturThud Waffles, tasty waffles, with lots of syrup]].\\
'''Businessman 2:''' Waffles! Buy waffles!\\
''(crowd of investors rushes to put stocks in waffles)''
* While in limbo, Peter tries to get back into his body by going down his throat. Later, he steals the money from his own wallet.
* After Peter's terrible first impression, Carter shows him a bronze statue and bludgeons him with it, then orders two of his men to wrap Peter in a rug while he's unconscious and throw him out a helicopter into the sea. He's rescued by a Navy aircraft carrier because they mistook him for a manatee and were prepared to make him into soup.
** Before whacking Peter with the bronze statue, Carter takes a moment to tell Peter that it's a bronze statue.
* According to Death, when Peter got struck by lightning [[NoDeadBodyPoops he soiled himself]].
* In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through UsefulNotes/SouthCarolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of [[UsefulNotes/KuKluxKlan Klansmen]]. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
* This bit:
-->'''Peter:''' What if I helped you get a girl?\\
'''Death:''' Really? You'd do that?\\
'''Peter:''' Sure, all we gotta do is get you fixed up, get your hair cut, give you a good, clea-- ''(pulls off Death's hood seeing his skull, which is crawling with maggots and has a snake going through it)'' AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ''(pulls his hood back on and goes back to sounding calm)'' —shave, cologne, and chicks'll be all over you.\\
'''Death:''' Gee! You really think so?\\
'''Peter:''' Absolutely. ''([[VomitDiscretionShot throws up]] when Death is out of earshot)''
* When Peter's scavenger hunt takes his family to the sewers, Chris tells Lois that his goldfish they flushed wasn't dead, because he mutated in the sewer and has Chris at gunpoint.
* After Death gets with his crush, he can't stand her GranolaGirl tendencies for long and touches her, killing her instantly, before closing out the episode with a CheckPlease.
!!35. - Lethal Weapons
* When Peter and friends go to the Drunken Clam after the New Yorkers invade:
-->'''Peter:''' Horace, put the Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.\\
'''Horace:''' Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes. And the kegs. [[EscalatingPunchline And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot]]. ''([[FailedASpotCheck sees that he has indeed]] [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction been shot in the chest]])'' Yep. ''(collapses)''
* Peter tries to scare off the New Yorkers by pretending to be a man-eating tree and claiming that he ate "insane New York anchorman" Dan Rather and "asexual former mayor" Ed Koch.
* Lois ''pimp slaps'' her Tae-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
* Peter tries to insert a straw into a juice box, until he gets frustrated and destroys the box, then drinks the juice off the table.
* Quagmire getting his boner caught in a window. "[[AcquaintedWithEmergencyServices Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's in a window this time]]".
* Stewie suddenly reveals a tape under his shirt that recorded Lois saying she's a bad mother:
--> '''Stewie:''' Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! ''(plays tape)''\\
'''Stewie on tape:''' Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. ''(Present Stewie makes an OhCrap face)'' What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!\\
'''Stewie:''' ''(stops tape)'' ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- ''SHUT UP! *runs off*''
* The trash the New Yorkers leave on Peter's lawn: a ''New York Post'' newspaper, an issue of ''New York'' magazine and the [[ButtMonkey New York Mets]].
!!36. - The Kiss Seen Around the World
* Meg's ''Film/FastTimesAtRidgemontHigh'' spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker.
* Apparently during Mort's HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood, the other kids nicknamed him "Tasty Cakes" and stuck pine cones [[AssShove up his ass]].
* When Lois unknowingly stops Stewie from exacting his revenge on a bully who stole his tricycle, she questions what's going on.
-->'''Stewie:''' We're playing house.\\
'''Lois:''' But that boy is all tied up...\\
'''Stewie:''' ''[[{{Beat}} (pause)]]'' Creator/RomanPolanski's [[CrossesTheLineTwice house.]]
!!37. - Mr. Saturday Knight
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu9CJRa7H6g Peter's job working for]] Series/{{The Electric Company| 1971}}.
* Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice:
-->'''Mr. Weed:''' Hello, Peter. How are you?\\
'''Peter:''' [[NoIndoorVoice FINE!]] (whispering) Please come in.
* One of Peter's stints after becoming unemployed is as a bathroom attendant, wherein he tells a guy washing his hands that they're out of paper towels, so he heavily inhales and blows air on his hands... before collapsing onto the floor. [[ButtMonkey Then the man quietly wipes his hands on Peter's vest and leaves]].[[note]]The DVD commentary noted a version where he also would've stolen Peter's wallet, which didn't make it for unknown reasons.[[/note]]
!!38. - A Fish out of Water
* Without a job, Peter has done nothing but sit on the couch and has become morbidly obese to the point that Brian has to carry him with a forklift. At the wharf, Tom and Jake Tucker appear and Tom mistakes Peter for Mercury until Peter blurts out that he's a guy.
* When the Griffins' belongings are getting repossessed, the repo men take Chris's bed with Chris still on it. Chris believes that they'll let him live at the bank.
* After becoming a fisherman, Peter quickly makes a rival who tricks him into crashing his fishing boat into a bar mitzvah, then distracts Peter while he's selling his fish to change his sign so it reads "[[BestialityIsDepraved I had sex with all these fish]]".
* Stewie playing ''Pictionary'' with the family that's [[ItMakesSenseInContext prematurely moved into the Griffins' house]]:
-->If it wasn't right the ''first'' time you said it, why the ''hell'' would it be right the next ten times? God!
* The scene with the Griffin men if they were more cultured, especially this bit:
-->'''Peter:''' (Randomly catches fire) Oh dear, I've spontaneously combusted.
-->'''Stewie:''' Oh, I am sorry.
-->'''Peter:''' Oh, that's quite alright, I've grown tired of living.
!!39. - Emission Impossible
* Lois' sister Carol is going into labor and Peter is driving them to the hospital, when suddenly...
-->'''Peter:''' ''[[SkewedPriorities (pulls into a drive-thru)]]'' Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...\\
'''Lois:''' Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!\\
'''Peter:''' Oh, that's right. ''(to drive-thru)'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint And a kid's meal...]]
* When Carol's in the hospital:
-->'''Dr. Hartman:''' Alright, I'm just gonna put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby. (''reaches in the sharps waste'') These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I ''always'' keep the gloves. [[TooDumbToLive Well, maybe if I dig deeper.]] Nope, just feels like more needles. Well, that's the craziest thing! (''lifts his arm up and it's covered in needles'') Oh, now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer. (''passes out'')
* The gag where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
-->'''Stewie:''' You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!\\
\\
'''Brian:''' Wow, the evidence is really piling up.\\
'''Stewie:''' Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
* This line:
-->'''Stewie:''' God, all this work to stop people from having sex. [[TakeThat Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.]]
!!40. - To Love and Die in Dixie
* The crook that Chris sees rob a store is trying to escape from the police and sees a bike. Rather than try to drive it away, he picks it up and runs off.
* When Chris gets the robber arrested, Peter tells him that he should've lied and said it was Music/CelineDion and that he blew their one chance to put "that showboating Canadian wench" behind bars.
* The RunningGag of Peter getting attacked by a raccoon. Somehow, in one scene it gets inside Lois's blouse and attacks Peter when she opens it, and at the episode's climax [[RuleOfFunny it attacks him when he finds it hiding in the barrel of his gun]].
* Peter's first time using an outhouse:
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works; it's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.\\
''(a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over)''\\
'''Peter:''' (mortified) Augh, oh God, oh, it's everywhere! Augh, it's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
!!41. - Screwed the Pooch
* When the titular event happens, this exchange occurs:
-->'''Carter:''' He's violating Seabreeze!\\
'''Peter:''' [[ExplainExplainOhCrap Oh no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself on--NOW he's violating Seabreeze.]]\\
(''Stewie starts making porno sounds'')
* Following the news that Seabreeze is pregnant, Peter tries to go back in time to stop Brian from molesting her by spinning around in circles, but all that happens is that he becomes disoriented and accidentally destroys Carter's cabinet of fine China, then knocks down a shelf and a framed painting.
* When Brian and Seabreeze run off and check into a rundown hotel, the manager warns them that the hotel has bad roaches. The roaches in question are two giant Mexican thugs, one of whom threatens to cut Brian with a knife.
-->'''Brian:''' Those are some bad roaches.\\
'''Manager:''' I blame the schools.
* After Peter refuses to associate with Brian anymore due to the latter's molestation of Seabreeze hurting Peter's newfound relationship with Carter, Peter is shown eating breakfast in a soundproof transparent box. While Brian and Lois are talking, [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Peter farts and can't escape the smell due to the lack of ventilation, then tries to get their attention before passing out]].
* "[[Film/CitizenKane It's his sled.]] ItWasHisSled from when he was a kid. There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours."
* "I ''looooooooove'' chocolate... but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
** "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
* The reveal that Seabreeze's puppies were actually [[BestialityIsDepraved fathered by Ted Turner]], as they all have his head.
* Peter's attempt at a KangarooPouchRide, pictured.
!!42. - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
* In the pre-intro scene, Peter is watching Creator/DennisMiller do a bit where he trails off into SesquipedalianLoquaciousness. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant"]].
* At the basketball game, Peter fantasizes about Cindi (the head cheerleader) opening her uniform and chicken legs flying out in slow motion. When Peter gets one in his mouth, it turns out he's chewing on Lois's hair.
* The B-plot is Stewie trying to get in with the cheerleading squad because he believes that their cheers are a form of MassHypnosis after finding himself following along with them. He compares it to the time he and Brian were in Vegas and were hypnotized into kissing, where once they come out of trance Stewie declares that he tastes crotch.
** In one scene, [[YouAreFat he fat shames himself]] in the mirror before making himself throw up in the toilet.
** At the episode's climax, he abducts Cindi and replaces her at the top of the pyramid at the next game while wearing a disguise of her that ends up being fairly unconvincing because of their massive height difference. He tries to hypnotize the audience into doing his bidding with the hunting knives he hid under each of their seats, only for the pyramid to collapse under him, revealing that he also tried to emulate Cindi's cleavage with two tennis balls.
* When Chris starts talking in street on the drive home from the game, Peter thinks he's [[DemonicPossession demonically possessed]] and speaking in tongues, so he attempts to perform an impromptu exorcism.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gnezI2hOXA Peter narrating his own life]].
* When Babs gives Chris a caramel, he runs outside and climbs up a tree to eat it like a squirrel.
* Peter [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDBmkJmuj7k converting the living room into a replica of]] ''Series/PeeWeesPlayhouse''. ''Especially'' Brian's line:
-->'''Brian:''' [[TranquilFury Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much]].
* How does Nate Griffin describe heaven? "It's alright. There's a shortage of chairs."
!!43. - Ready, Willing, and Disabled
* While putting up flyers for people looking for the money clip the Griffin kids found, Chris accidentally staples one onto a guy's back.
* When a ladybug drinks from the bottle of steroid-filled water that Peter gave to Joe, it grows giant and flies off with a kid in the audience.
* Joe agrees to have his life story made into a TV movie, which took a few creative liberties: Joe, played by Creator/TonyDanza, gets crippled when a group of thugs he defeats immediately get back up and break his legs, he learned about the Special People's Games through an advertisement on a box in his freezer, and for whatever reason, Peter is portrayed by Creator/BeaArthur.
* When Brian tries to make off with the money clip, Stewie threatens to do to him what he did to Music/JohnLennon. You assume this means Stewie killed him, [[BaitAndSwitch then it turns out he introduced him to]] Music/YokoOno.
* Peter attempts to fake becoming disabled to get his own TV movie and shows Tom Tucker a tape to show how it happened. The tape depicts Peter running over a scarecrow in his clothes.
* When Joe captures the car wash thief, he later tells Peter that he severed the guy's spine when he landed on him. Peter jokes that the thief will be competing against Joe in the next Special People's Games, only to look shocked when Joe tells him that the injury was fatal.
!!44. - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
* Peter manages to confuse the meanings of "for" and "from", leading to him donating all of his family's presents to charity.
-->'''Peter:''' Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?\\
'''Brian:''' I think they had a meeting about it last night.\\
'''Peter:''' Why wasn't I told?\\
'''Brian:''' They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't.. umm... You know it's just easier to call you stupid.
* Peter's plan to get the presents back from a family in a mobile home:
-->'''Brian:''' You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?\\
'''Peter:''' Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the [[AirVentPassageway air conditioning duct]] here. Now, there'll be [[LaserHallway an invisible laser grid]] three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.\\
''(beat)''\\
'''Brian:''' [[FlatWhat Can I buy some pot from you]]?
* Peter loses patience over the lack of empty parking spaces at the mall and parks the station wagon on top of another car, flattening the latter.
* Peter finds a pair of the earrings Meg wanted, but an old woman wants them for her granddaughter. Peter licks the box and asks her if she still wants it, but she gives him a titty twister and takes the earrings back.
** The "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
** "[[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext All the clownfish and yellow tangs in the world won't save you NOW!]]"
** The old woman throws fish food on Peter, causing the fish to jump out of their tanks and start biting him. On the drive home, Peter says that he thinks one of them muttered something anti-semitic.
* The scene where Brian tries to put out a fire, [[FromBadToWorse and it gets worse]] since he uses a "Joke Fire Extinguisher" that releases ''flammable'' pop-up snakes.
--> '''Brian:''' Damn it, Peter!
** When the rest of the family comes home, Brian calls Peter out on it:
--->'''Peter:''' What the hell did you do?\\
'''Brian:''' ''Me?!'' Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?\\
'''Peter:''' I'll tell you who: [[LethallyStupid someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk!]]
* Lois [[RageBreakingPoint finally snapping]] when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family and ran out the house in an UnstoppableRage... ''then'' Meg finds the paper towels.
* While on her rampage, Lois mouths off to WesternAnimation/FrostyTheSnowman before lighting a match on his nose and melting him with a BoozeFlamethrower using a nearby homeless guy's beer bottle. His hat comes off, but when it's put back on he yells for it to be taken off again because it's on fire.
* On Christmas Day, Brian gets a present that looks like a wine bottle, then he unwraps it and it turns out it's a book.
!!45. - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
* Peter grows a beard, which an endangered species of bird takes up residence in. It later makes life difficult for him at the movies by snatching his popcorn out of his hand before he can eat it, then he later tries to drive it out by playing loud music.
** When the bird eventually leaves Peter's beard, it also leaves its three eggs behind and they all hatch and Peter compares them to his own kids. One hatchling's face turns into Stewie and another turns into Chris, then Peter forgets about Meg and imagines the third hatchling as an off-colored [[Franchise/StarWars Boba Fett]].
!!46. - From Method to Madness
* The entire B-plot surrounding the [[NakedPeopleAreFunny nudist family]] is full of CringeComedy gold.
-->'''Peter''': ''(regarding the mother)'' Oh my god, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint she's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!]]\\
'''Lois''': You... uh... you're completely...\\
'''Dotty''': [[NoNudityTaboo Nude? Yes, we're nudists!]]\\
'''Chris''': [[OhCrap Permission to]] FreakOut!
* "I've got my top hat and cane and a pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles..."
* Stewie to Olivia: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch" (makes a face as Lois drives away)
!!47. - Stuck Together, Torn Apart
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IWJCNCy-l8 Peter's jealousy issues...]]
* Joe shows his new automated police van's arrest feature to Peter and it simply cuffs him, but when Cleveland tries it out, [[DeliberateValuesDissonance it detects that he's black and declares him a minority suspect, beats him with two truncheons, and plants a gun next to him to make it look like he's armed]].
** The van is later shown to have a cloaking feature that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting each other for a wedge of cheese.
** While using the van's surveillance equipment to spy on Lois and Ross, Peter turns up the dial so high that Quagmire's thoughts become audible. Evidently, he got a genital rash from a woman he gave a ride to the gas station and is thinking about how much it itches.
* Peter and Lois' marriage counselor puts cameras around the family's house to determine their behaviors... some of the things he came across as "an accurate cross-section" are weird, to say the least.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifn2FZU3Dk4 "Dance with me Lois, dance the Dance of Life!"]]
* The tape of the Griffin family's "uncensored behavior"...
-->'''Peter:''' ''(while in hula skirts with Chris)'' No! It's step, hip, step, ''pivot''! ''(slaps him)'' Are you ''trying'' to piss off the volcano?!
* Peter [[PersonaNonGrata isn't allowed at the disco place anymore]] because he mistook the ball for a piñata and broke it with a bat, then ate some of the shards.
-->'''Peter:''' (as blood slowly oozes out of his mouth) Crafty Mexicans and their glass candy.
!!48. - Road to Europe
* Peter is ''very'' LateToTheRealization...
-->(KISS has just announced that they are coming to the Northeast for their tour)\\
'''Peter:''' Awww, hell the Northeast! It's times like this I curse the fact that [[WrongAssumption we live in French Polynesia...]]\\
'''Lois:''' No Peter, we're in the Northeast.\\
'''Peter:''' We are?...and ''KISS'' is coming to the Northeast...that means...ummmm...\\
'''Lois:''' That means...\\
'''Peter:''' No, no, no Lois, don't help me...it means we can do ''something''...\\
'''Lois (encouraging):''' Come on Peter, you're almost there...\\
(Cut to Peter at the Dentist's office, presumably at least a day later, getting his teeth worked on with a drill)\\
'''Peter:''' [[DelayedReaction We can go to KISS-Stock!!]]\\
(Peter sits up when he realizes it, sending the drill into his poor dentist's [[EyeScream eye]])
* Any scene with UsefulNotes/ThePope.
-->'''Cardinal:''' Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.\\
'''Pope:''' It's a ''stupid'' hat!\\
(later to Brian and Stewie)\\
'''Pope:''' You make-a the Pope look like a ''fool!'' God will make you pay! ''SMITE THEM!'' ''[[{{Beat}} (pause that lasts for several seconds)]]'' He's-a cookin'-a something up.
* Brian points out some missing pages on German history...
--> '''German Tour Guide:''' "I vill hear no more insinuations about [[ThoseWackyNazis ze German people]]! [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!]] Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!" (Performs the salute)
--> '''Brian (nervously):''' "...Is that a beer-hall?..."
--> '''German Tour Guide (calmly):''' "Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer-halls..."
* Stewie trying to find out if one of the passengers on the train is Tom Bosley or not.
* When Stewie tearfully realizes that "Jolly Farm" is all fake, Brian tries comforting him.
-->'''Brian:''' You wanna go get some ice cream?\\
''(Stewie shakes his head 'no')''\\
'''Brian:''' You wanna get some [=McDonald=]'s?\\
''(Stewie shakes his head 'no')''\\
'''Brian:''' You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?\\
''(Stewie nods his head 'yes')''\\
'''Brian:''' Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
* In the [[Music/{{KISS}} "KISS-Stock"]] subplot, when two members of KISS walk out, and the other break into "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," surprising the crowd. [[https://youtu.be/-KIf0edawmI?t=24 Seriously.]]
!!49. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 1
!!!A - No Bones About It
* After becoming boneless, Peter says that he has to fart but doesn't know which way to lean.
* Stewie makes a snow angel in Peter, then prepares to pee his name into him.
* When the Griffins go to the mall, Peter ends up getting caught in an escalator.
* On a teacup ride at [[Ride/DisneyThemeParks Disney World]], Peter gets sent flying into a bathhouse where Michael Eisner unknowingly uses him as a towel.
!!!B - [=SuperGriffins=]
* The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can {{shapeshift|ing}}, Chris has [[PlayingWithFire pyrokinesis]], Stewie has an enlarged brain and telekinesis, Brian has SuperSpeed, Lois has SuperStrength... and [[ButtMonkey Meg]] can make her fingernails grow out.
* Chris sets his friend Hector on fire [[DisproportionateRetribution for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle"]].
* When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Meg popping]] [[PokeThePoodle a baby's balloon]].
* When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
* Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.
* Peter and Brian's resulting conversation while they're watching an episode of Series/SesameStreet with the Count.
-->'''Peter:''' Hey, is the Count a vampire?\\
'''Brian:''' What's that?\\
'''Peter:''' Well, y'see, he's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on him?\\
'''Brian:''' [[LetMeGetThisStraight You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody... and then sucks their blood for sustenance?]]\\
'''Peter:''' Yeah.\\
'''Brian:''' No, they've never done that.
!!!C - Lil' Griffins
* They play the TwoScenesOneDialogue trope with Peter and Quagmire each discussing the same plans of scaring the other group... though it's a little lopsided.
-->'''Peter:''' We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-\\
'''Peter:''' -then we can say that we spent-\\
'''Quagmire:''' [[SmashCut -the-]] \\
'''Peter:''' -night. Then, everyone will think we're-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -the-\\
'''Peter:''' -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. [[SignatureLaugh Heheheheheheheh-]]\\
'''Quagmire:''' [[CatchPhrase Al-]]''[[CatchPhrase riiiiiiiigh-]]'' \\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -ehhhhhhh-\\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh-\\
'''Quagmire:''' -eeght.\\
''(beat as Quagmire silently looks around)''\\
'''Peter:''' -heheheheh.
!!50. - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
* When Peter is scammed out of Lois's rainy day money, he sees Lois having a phone conversation with Babs, who thinks Lois would've been better off marrying a chimp. When Peter gets the money back, Lois says she's going to call Babs again and tell her to "tell that chimp across the street [imitating monkey sounds]".
* When Lois says she's against Meg getting laser eye surgery, there's a cutaway of [[Franchise/StarWars Luke Skywalker]] ([[RoleReprise voiced by]] Creator/MarkHamill [[RoleReprise himself, no less!]]) trying to make an incision on a woman's eyes [[MundaneUtility with his lightsaber]]. Obi-Wan tells him to use the Force and he accidentally sends the saber [[EyeScream through her eye and out the back of her head]]. He asks Obi-Wan if he's happy, to which he forlornly replies that he's never been happy.
[[/folder]]
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