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!!The Gatekeeper's Cottage
* Hearts' Game. The whole damn thing. You'd think that a game about poisoning someone to death in ways they don't expect would be pure NightmareFuel, and sure, there's a lot of horror to be found behind the scenes. But the methods you and your partners come up with are so ''wacky'' that the whole thing reads like a pure slapstick cartoon.
** The Knight of Ribs: You and the knight slather poisonous oils on your fashionably edgy carriage wheels - and then apparently try to run the target over while 'accidentally' grazing them. This is somehow legal in the game, though you have to illegally hit-and-run to pull it off. Or you could accidentally put multiple pedestrians in the boat hospital.
** The King of Spines: Ever wanted to poison someone by shooting a melting bullet across the alley, ricocheting across multiple signposts just so it decreases its velocity to fully stop when it enters the center of his gelato? Probably not, but ''now you can!'' Unless you get the calculations wrong, in which case you have to apologize for cutting a hole through some lady's expensive hat. Ever gaslit a guy so hard during his home renovation that he completely ignores the giant nail in the ground? Now you can!
** The King of Motley: This guy is a tough act to recruit but so very worth it. He allows you to recruit more than the standard three accomplices - and then uses them all at once to power his cons. His comedy scheme involves bullying and roasting the target with a giant crowd until they're so humiliated that they don't care whether or not the wine bottle they're chugging down is poisoned. His tragedy scheme involves hiring the target to play the lead in Romeo and Juliet - and then the audience applauds so fiercely at the death scene that nobody notices you used actual poison.
** Oh, and the main reward for winning the game? A tiny trophy - which you are expected to throw in the closet with ''hundreds'' of other tiny trophies in a scene befitting an animated movie.
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* For the optional side-task of questioning the Boatman about his Marvellous victory, you'll naturally have to die in order to question him. You ''could'' of course do this by simply visiting the Carnival and gazing into Heart's Mirror -- ''or'' you can "call in a favour from Virginia" to have ''her'' kill you. Considering how you had to introduce [[WomanScorned a major cause for paranoia]] into her otherwise-stable life to compel her to agree to play, it's very funny to see ''Magnanimous increasing'' as a result of allowing her this bit of payback.
--> [[InUniverseCatharsis "I've been waiting for this..."]]
--> [[InUniverseCatharsis "I've been waiting for this..."]]
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* In one story, the Tracklayers' City is faced with the threat of an artist possessed by a Fingerking, who paints murals of the city being swallowed by Parabola. Left alone, these risk luring citizens in to be possessed themselves. How does the player remove the danger? By marking one building on the mural as offering discounts on the "BEST SOUP IN TOWN!", turning an elaborate mind-stealing trap into an advertising billboard that no-one will look twice at, except to find where to get some good soup.
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* In one story, the Tracklayers' City is faced with the threat of an artist possessed by a Fingerking, who paints murals of the city being swallowed by Parabola. Left alone, these risk luring citizens in to be possessed themselves. How does the player remove the danger? By marking one building on the mural as offering discounts on the "BEST SOUP IN TOWN!", turning an elaborate mind-stealing trap into an advertising billboard that no-one will look twice at, except to find where to get some good soup.
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* In one story, the Tracklayers' City is faced with the threat of an artist possessed by a Fingerking, who paints murals of the city being swallowed by Parabola. Left alone, these risk luring citizens in to be possessed themselves. How does the player remove the danger? By marking one building on the mural as offering discounts on the "BEST SOUP IN TOWN!", turning an elaborate mind-stealing trap into an advertising billboard that no-one will look twice at, except to find where to get some good soup.
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* Before Pages's match with the monkey, who happens to be living with you, it uses its municipal power to create an array of inconveniences around your lodgings, such as loud construction at all hours and a road being planned through your living room. However, due to GameplayAndStorySegregation, the game doesn't take into account that you might live in a Spire-Emporium of the Bazaar, making you and Pages ''next-door neighbors'', and so it may well be bothering ''itself'' just as badly.
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** One of your options for morning preparations is to call in a friend whose quite skilled with the [[EverythingsLouderWithBagpipes Bagpipes to engage in psychological warfare on the L.B.s]]. It can work... but if it fails, well, the pipes are enough to raise your ''Nightmares''.
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Just For Pun cleanup.
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* In response to the [[JustForPun Moray Heels]] being used to stomp holes into brawling opponents, one wiki editor came up with a parody song, and then three other posters added onto it.
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* In response to the [[JustForPun [[{{Pun}} Moray Heels]] being used to stomp holes into brawling opponents, one wiki editor came up with a parody song, and then three other posters added onto it.
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* [[BountyHunter "Bounty Hunting"]] gives you an option to track down Jasper, a rather notorious Unfinished Clay Man, on behalf of the Constables. If you fail to persuade him, you're [[TheUnfought dealt with in a rather straightforward manner]]:
-->You confront Jasper, telling him that it is time he returned to his duties. He hits you with a sledgehammer until you go away.
-->You confront Jasper, telling him that it is time he returned to his duties. He hits you with a sledgehammer until you go away.
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* Unwise Ideas can be spent all at once for a big load of Research, accompanied by a proportional load of non-Suspicion Menace of your choice. The one for Scandal is to publish an unproven theory, which has your character touching off a ''massive'' controversy:
-->'''TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN'''
-->''For a week, the University takes to separating out anything addressed to you (by name, or [[{{Angrish}} simply via string of expletives]]) as soon as it comes in. It's one thing for you to keep getting letters that spontaneously ignite; quite another for them to set other faculty's post alight.''
-->'''TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN'''
-->''For a week, the University takes to separating out anything addressed to you (by name, or [[{{Angrish}} simply via string of expletives]]) as soon as it comes in. It's one thing for you to keep getting letters that spontaneously ignite; quite another for them to set other faculty's post alight.''
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-->'''Player Character''': [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
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-->'''Player Character''': [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]HEAD-]]
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-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
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-->'''The Boatman''': [[GetOut Out. Get out.]]
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* And then at the end, after you (and most of the fleet) are killed in action, you can choose to ''snap'' and start screaming your head off in a musical like a reality sitcom teenager. This is enough to ''convince Death to let you all out early''.
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* And then at the end, after you (and most of the fleet) are killed in action, you can choose to ''snap'' and start screaming your head off in a musical like a reality sitcom teenager. This is enough to ''convince Death to let you all out early''. It's especially amusing considering [[DyingMomentOfAwesome what got you there]] gave you '''eighty levels of Wounds''', which would've taken actual real-life weeks to work through; the idea of putting up with ''that'' the whole ride was perhaps too much for the Boatman to bear.
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** It's made even better by your only other companion on the boat being [[TokenHeroicOrc the Starved Lithologist]], who is ''beyond'' baffled by whatever the hell you're doing but doesn't interrupt out of what might be morbid curiosity.
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* When you grab an airship, it gets a random name from a given list. A few of the names show Failbetter has probably been reading ''Literature/TheCulture'' novels. The full list is compiled [[https://fallenlondon.wiki/wiki/A_Commissioned_Airship: in the comments here]], but a few gems are:
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* When you grab an airship, it gets a random name from a given list. A few of the names show Failbetter has probably been reading ''Literature/TheCulture'' novels. The full list is compiled [[https://fallenlondon.wiki/wiki/A_Commissioned_Airship: in the comments [[https://www.tumblr.com/the-insouciant-scientist/725045693801267200/tag-yourself-im-responsible-but-not-accountable here]], but a few gems are:
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** And then at the end, after you (and most of the fleet) are killed in action, you can choose to ''snap'' and start screaming your head off in a musical like a reality sitcom teenager. This is enough to ''convince Death to let you all out early''.
-->'''Player Character'''"[[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
-->'''Player Character'''"[[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
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* And then at the end, after you (and most of the fleet) are killed in action, you can choose to ''snap'' and start screaming your head off in a musical like a reality sitcom teenager. This is enough to ''convince Death to let you all out early''.
-->'''Player Character''': [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
-->'''Player Character''': [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
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** And then at the end, after you (and most of the fleet) are killed in action, you can choose to ''snap'' and start screaming your head off in a musical like a reality sitcom teenager. This is enough to ''convince Death to let you all out early''.
-->'''Player Character'''"[[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
-->'''Player Character'''"[[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, LONDON ISN'T DEAD! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, WASH THE BOATMAN'S HEAD-]]]
-->'''The Boatman''': Out. Get out.
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* When you grab an airship, it gets a random name from a given list. A few of the names show Failbetter has probably been reading ''Literature/TheCulture'' novels, going by little gems like:
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* When you grab an airship, it gets a random name from a given list. A few of the names show Failbetter has probably been reading ''Literature/TheCulture'' novels, going by little novels. The full list is compiled [[https://fallenlondon.wiki/wiki/A_Commissioned_Airship: in the comments here]], but a few gems like:are:
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* When you grab an airship, it gets a random name from a given list. A few of the names show Failbetter has probably been reading ''Literature/TheCulture'' novels, going by little gems like:
** ''Percussive Phrenologist''
** ''Are You Mad At Me''
** ''I'm Not Mad At You''
** ''Responsible but not Accountable''
** ''Wagger of the Dog''
** ''Left as an Exercise to the Reader''
** ''After You I Insist''
** ''Percussive Phrenologist''
** ''Are You Mad At Me''
** ''I'm Not Mad At You''
** ''Responsible but not Accountable''
** ''Wagger of the Dog''
** ''Left as an Exercise to the Reader''
** ''After You I Insist''
