History Funny / BurnNotice

-->'''Michael''': ''[who has implied he's about to crash the man's car with them in it]'' You need to get this fixed. This is really annoying.

-->"Truth is, identity theft isn't hard. All you need is a picture, and you can drain a lot of money from some accounts - [[PetTheDog or return a lot of money to some very surprised retirees.]] But why stop there? Why not use that identity to contact some terrorist groups on unsecured lines? While you're at it, why not threaten some federal judges and insult the local drug cartel? [[KickTheSonOfABitch Most fun I've had in Miami."]]

* In 1x07, Michael is playing a psycho thug as part of a job and tries to steal Fiona's bag. She just glares at him until he whispers, "Fi, ''sell it!''" At which point she screams bloody murder and punches him repeatedly in the face as he tries to get her purse away from her. Keep in mind ''Michael is holding a gun on her''.

** Michael has to sell the belief that a bigger, badder psycho is tearing up Ernie's neighbourhood. His first way of achieving this? Tearing up Ernie's store. He uses a baseball bat to smash the counters -- but when he chances upon a flower vase he hesitates before tipping it over, almost lightly. Ernie rolls his eyes at this. After Mike leaves, Ernie shakes his head in exasperation.

-->'''Mike''': (surprised, while being choked) Wow, you're ''good''!

'''Michael''': [beat] He asked you.... with a gag in his mouth?\\

-->'''Maddie''': Do you know what his first word was? It was 'Michael'.
-->'''Michael''': It was 'juice'. I was there. His first word was 'juice'.

--->'''Michael''': ''({{Beat}})'' [[BrutalHonesty Me.]] ''(Covers her mouth again as she tries to scream.)''
* An episode in seaon 2 has Michael trying to escape his pursuer in a motorcycle chase. He loses them by sliding under a tractor trailer that's blocking the road. He gets back up, smiles at a dumbfounded Carla (a smile that puts the trollface to shame), and drives away. Considering Michael's default personality is the stoic, this was a nice touch.
* In season 2, episode 10, Madeline walks out of the room on Michael with a distinctive unimpressed toss of her head. At the end of that scene, Fiona does the exact same gesture; this freaks Michael out so much that he stares, wide-eyed, [[AsideGlance directly at the camera]] as if asking the audience "Did that just happen? Did you see it too? Holy crap."

-->'''Sam''': ''[glumly]'' Not that well, this is iced tea.

--->'''Fiona''': ''(Quickly)'' [[BlatantLies You're breaking up!]] ''(Hangs up and tosses the cell in the backseat.)''

-->'''Sam''': ''(Laughing nervously)'' So, another Sam. This is gonna be confusing, huh.

-->'''Michael''': Oh, I know. ''[jerks his head at the mook]'' I could be this guy.

--> '''Fiona:''' ''(In a perfectly calm, soothing voice)'' Now I want you to close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Picture a peaceful mountain stream. Can you do that? Now picture yourself drowning the kidnapper in the stream. You're taking a rock from the stream, and raising above your head-

--> ''(Fiona stops talking)''

--->'''Michael''': ''(Takes a bite with a big smile)'' ''[{{Beat}}]'' Did you make this?

--->'''Michael''': ''(With a straight face)'' [[BlatantLies It's good!]]

* Ep 3X04 "Fearless Leader"

---> '''Michael:''' ''I'm just here to pick up a friend from a poker game, she consumed an alcoholic beverage and I offered to give her a ride.''

---> '''Michael:''' ''(Looking up as Fi runs) She may have consumed '''two''' alcoholic beverages.''

---> '''Stacey:''' ''So you stole it.''
---> '''Sam:''' ''Oh, I didn't steal it. The guy, um ... he was done with it.''
---> '''Stacey:''' ''So it was a gift.''
---> '''Sam:''' ''It's ''not'' a gift. There was this thing... and ''then''... the gun didn't have an owner anymore. (Uses a hand gesture and gives a "get it?" look.)''
---> '''Stacey:''' ''({{Beat}}) ...I'm-I'm just gonna mark that as a "windfall income".''

* In "The Hunter," Beck keeps whining and complaining about Michael's plan to keep them alive. Finally, when Michael asks for his shoelaces, he's had enough. He pulls a gun. "Why don't we listen to the guy with the gun for a change?" So Michael grabs his gun and points at back at him. "OK. Now give me your shoelaces."

--->'''Michael''': Kind of. It's in Spanish. ''(Fiona gives him an irritated look)'' Look, if it were in Russian or Farsi, I - ''(Fiona grabs the phone.)''
* In 3X14, "Partners In Crime", Sam is impersonating a CSI technician. And since it's [[Series/CSIMiami Miami]], expect GlassesPull and {{pun}}s each time he does. That is, twice.

--->''[{{beat}}]''

* In "Past and Future Tense, the team is taking on a Russian wetwork team. Cue showdown:

--->'''Michael''': ''[holds up the dead man's switch]'' There's a radio transmitter with a dead man's switch. Well in this case dead men. You shoot me, I drop this. ''[points at the captured man]'' No more Alexi, ''[points at the team leader]'' no more Vitaly, ''[points at an unnamed {{Mook}}]'' no more...that guy. Now put your weapons down!

--> (Michael breaks into the house of the witness, punches him in the face to disarm him, and then drags him and his girlfriend into the kitchen)

--> (The assassin bursts through the front door 5 seconds later)

-->'''Michael''': (looking mildly irritated) I'm Michael Westen! I'm here to save these people!

--->'''Michael''': ''(Still holding the string leading to the trigger)'' This is awkward.

-->'''Michael''': YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe.
-->'''Cole''': ''[{{beat}}]'' Yeah, I am. ''[helps him up]''

* In season 4 episode 14:

--->'''Sam''': (with a rat sized hole in his sock) You could have told us this was a socks only kind of place...
* Maddie taking a picture of Nate and Michael in their cover [=IDs=] fancy suits. It's funny because anyone who has had a mother knows that's exactly what they would do.

---->'''Fiona''': ''(Quietly)'' They're only loaded with beanbag rounds...

--->'''Michael''': '''''Deal!'''''

* In "Enemy of My Enemy" Jesse advertises his presence to one of Mike's targets by shooting his sniper rifle at said target. The target takes cover, and when the shooting stops, he looks back up to see Jessie shot a frowny face in the wall where his head had been.

-->'''Michael''': Shall we tango? ''[the two pull apart, and Michael gives Fiona an irritated look]'' Can ''I'' lead?

-->''It's official. Guy's a dick.''

* Jessie and Nate on a stakeout.

-->'''Michael''': It's the Agency's loss. Sam is as good as I am. ''[{{beat}}]'' And he accepts domestic beer as payment!

-->'''Sam:''' ''(Jumps up, fires twice, and immediately ducks down again)'' Well, that was fun. I'm out.
* In "Desperate Measures", Michael and the team are stuck in Panama [[spoiler: with the guy who killed Nate]]. Michael gets pinned down by some cartel gunmen, who shout at him in Spanish to drop his gun.

*** Michael: "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is" ''*boom*'' "and I'm from the department of" ''*boom*''. Hilarious.

* In the season six finale, Michael gets himself into a MexicanStandOff with Riley, then forces her into another one with the Coast Guard while aboard a cartel kingpin's yacht.

-->'''Sam''': You sure that's gonna fly? Because he's been talking to our friends across the ditch for close to a year. Why would he jump ship now? ''(Pauses as Michael opens a massive [[BriefcaseFullOfMoney case of cash in front of him]])'' - well, that's a start.

** Pretty much all of Michael's character antics this week. The large ham tendencies mixed with the child-like impulsivity—such as his leaping up and down on the Concho's goons' car while screaming "THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS MINE!"—make for multiple moments of funny.

** Michael's plan to get in touch with Philip Cowan, the guy who burned him: cozy up to some Libyan intelligence agents and get them to look like they're in cahoots with the Cowan. When he lays this out for the Libyans, he sarcastically recommends having the head of the Libyan secret police send Cowan a fruit basket, "be creative." One angry phone call from Cowan later, and it turns out the head of the secret police did exactly that.

-->'''Nate''': We should have taken my car. At least I wouldn't have had to listen to 2 hours of {{Queen}}.

* Jesse pretending to be a junkie.

* Caught at a drug operation's surprise roadblock, Jessie mumbles something when a Mook wants to know why he's there. The irate Mook leans unwisely close to Jessie and demands he repeat himself. "''Why do you want to lose your teeth?''" says Jessie before knocking the goon flat.

-->'''Fiona''': Michael, when you asked if you could come, you did not mention Sam.

** The Cartel boss texts the (dead) hitman.
--->'''Michael''': Looks like bossman's texting the dead guy.
--->'''Fiona''': Is it coded?
--->'''Michael''': Kind of. It's in Spanish. ''(Fiona gives him an irritated look)'' Look, if it were in Russian or Farsi, I - ''(Fiona grabs the phone.)''

** When Detective Paxton stops Mike from providing back up to Fiona on a "muscle job" to get money from a debtor

* In a season 3 episode, Maddie wins an award for being a vigilant reporter of crimes (that ''Michael'' committed), and asks him to show up to the ceremony looking nice, wearing a tie. He agonizes about it for the whole episode, torn between being nice to his mother or avoiding police scrutiny (again, she won the award for reporting ''his'' crimes!). He does eventually show up, albeit reluctantly, ''in a tie'', looking extremely uncomfortable. His mom is thankful, they reconcile again, and Maddie decides that the award is nice, but isn't important. Then:
--> '''Maddie''': You can take the tie off now.\\
'''Michael''': Oh ''thank God''.

* In 3x13, Larry shows up again, having gotten Michael into ''more'' trouble.

* The B-Plot of "Hard Bargain" (1x09): Mike tries to get a DC bureaucrat to hear out his case. After carefully testing him to make sure he's actually a bureaucrat and not an assassin, Mike finally meets with him. Turns out he's an assassin. One good enough to garrotte Mike and counter all of his counters.
-->'''Mike''': (surprised, while being choked) Wow, you're ''good''!

-->'''Michael''': There's no need, Sam. You'll do almost anything for a three-dollar beer.\\

* In one early episode, Carla is waiting for Michael when he returns to his apartment, and is helping herself to some of his yogurt. Michael then casually mentions he that he has taken to poisoning his yogurt just in case she ever ate any of it. She stops and looks at him, and you can tell she's a little unsure. Michael then teases her that, though she probably knows he's kidding, there's still that chance, isn't there? Carla is noticeably subdued for the rest of the conversation, and stops eating. Then ''Michael'' starts eating the yogurt she put down.

-->'''Michael:''' It's unstable, it's corrupt, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish.]]