History Funny / AustinPowers

'''Austin:''' Thank God. Those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people, hey Comrades?\\

'''Austin:''' Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! Nice tie. Yea capitalism!

-->'''Dr. Evil''': SILENCE!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!

--->'''Dr. Evil''': ...I know. Meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a "Belgian dip".

-->'''Colonel''': And try to lose some weight, for God's sake.\\
'''Fat Bastard''': Yes sir! Oh, Mr. English colonel tellin' me to lose weight. I'm a hard case, he says. Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a ''baby''! Oh, aye. Baby: The other ''other'' white meat. Baby: It's what's for dinner!

-->'''Austin''': Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Vietcong. ''(taking pictures of himself)'' And look: I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.

* When Austin Powers goes back to 1969, [[https://youtu.be/nvTb1B253fQ he encounters two of Dr Evil’s henchmen at his pad.]] The female of the duo tries seducing him in a distraction from her colleague who’s trying to throw a knife at him. Austin uses her as a HumanShield, then the other assassin uses a machine gun and she’s soaks up the bullets, but doesn’t die. Then the other assassin uses a bazooka, which blasts both her and Austin out the window. And during the fall, the female assassin, who’s [[IronButtMonkey still somehow alive after that]], notes that the fall will kill them both, Austin moves her in front of him so she’ll take most of the blow. And when that still doesn’t kill her or him, to the chagrin of her colleague, he reloads the machine gun and Austin wonders how she’s even still alive.
-->'''Austin Powers:''' Why won’t you die?!

'''Dr. Evil:''': ''Charming.''\\
'''Fat Bastard:'''I'm not kiddin'. I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey! Oh, it's SQUIDGY! Oh, Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it...

* Mini-Me's "Goodbye" card to Scott[[spoiler:, which features a drawing of Scott being hung in a game of Hangman, which leads Scott to immediately try to attack Mini-Me, only to be restrained by Number Two, while Fat Bastard eggs him on]].

-->'''Dr. Evil''': Okay. Alright. All I asked for was a frickin' rotating chair, okay?! Whoa, okay, okay, okay, getting a little afraid. [[Film/TheExorcist I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!]] Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. Okay. Gonna vomit...

-->'''Creator/KevinSpacey as Dr. Evil''': Hey, Powers! You better watch your friggin' self, because this is one doctor who ''does'' make house calls. Right, Mini-Me?\\
'''Creator/DannyDevito as Mini-Me''': Hey ''assholes''! (gives the finger) I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me!

-->'''Austin''': I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the greatest director in the world, is gonna make a mooooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I ''do'' have some thoughts.\\
'''Spielberg''': (holding an Oscar) Uh, my ''friend'' here, thinks it's fine the way it is.

-->'''Austin''': Oops! I did it again, baby!

--->'''Basil''': Austin, I'm sorry to interrupt.\\
'''Austin Powers''': ''(sternly)'' Twins, Basil. ''[[TwinThreesomeFantasy Twins]]''.

-->'''Teacher''': Don't forget, monsieur Powers: Later, you have a brief oral exam.\\
'''Austin''': I hope it's mostly oral, and not too........ brief......... baby? You know.

-->'''Austin''': What's wrong with your neck?\\
'''Nigel''': I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours.\\
'''Both''': Ah, thank you!\\
'''Austin''': Listen, Dad, if you ''are'' going to talk about naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak ''English'' English.\\
'''Nigel''': All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (I was about to make love to this pretty girl.)\\
'''Austin''': Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? (Is this true?) Because if you are feeling quigly why not just have a J. Arthur? (If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)\\
'''Nigel''': What, billy no mates? (What, alone?)\\
'''Austin''': Too right, youth. (Indeed.)\\
'''Nigel''': Don't you remember the Crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)\\
'''Austin''': Oh, the one who was all sixes and sevens. (The insane one?)\\
'''Nigel''': Yes, yes yes she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer that lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer that lived upstairs.)\\
'''Austin''': And she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry, (She was a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck...)\\
'''Both''': *unintelligible, English-sounding gibberish, possibly mentioning a gatling gun* [[EvenTheSubtitlerIsStumped (??????)]] *some more gibberish*...tea kettle! [[EvenTheSubtitlerIsStumped (????...Tea kettle!)]] [[SomethingSomethingLeonardBernstein and then she, she she]] [[OrphanedPunchline shat on a turtle!]] (Shat on a turtle!)

** [[spoiler:It's a BrickJoke, Austin once claimed in the first movie that he hated carnival folk. "Small hands, you know, smell like cabbage."]] Also because when Nigel was at school, one of the staples of a school dinner was boiled cabbage, so much so, that kids coming home from school used to smell of the stuff.

-->'''Austin''': Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Ah, thank you.

--->'''Austin''': What do you know about my father's where.........about..........s?

--->'''Mr. Roboto''': Why don't I just speak in English?!\\
'''Austin''': That would be a good idea, now wouldn't it? That way I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it seem like you're saying things that are dirty. ''(after a pause, [[BreakingTheFourthWall looks into the camera and smirks]])''

-->'''Austin''': Mr Roboto was lying to us.\\
'''Foxy''': Tell me something I don't know.\\
'''Austin''': I open mouth kissed a horse once.\\
'''Foxy''': Say what?\\
'''Austin''': That's something you don't know.

-->'''Nigel''': What about your Swedish nanny Helga?\\
'''Austin''': Rawr.\\
'''Nigel''': Let's say I didn't hire her for the cooking. She stayed on until you were 24!

-->'''Foxy''': "You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?" That's so sweet. No, Mini-man, I'm not. ''(Mini-Me hands her another note)'' "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yes, I'm sure. ''(Mini-Me hands her one more note)'' "Would you ''like'' to?"\\
'''Austin''': ''(laughs, but stops when he sees Foxy's reaction)'' [[DudeNotFunny That is so not funny.]]

-->'''Radar Operator''': Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.\\
'''Colonel''': Which one?\\
'''Radar Operator''': It's the one that looks like a pair of--\\
'''Hot Storekeeper''': Melons! ''[holds up two cantaloupes]'' Big juicy melons!\\
'''Random Passerby''': Are they nice and firm?\\
'''Hot Storekeeper''': Well, what do you think?\\
'''Random Passerby''': ''[points into the sky]'' Look at that! It looks like a set of giant--\\
'''Sports Fans''': ''[Yelling and cheering; four of their chests spell "TITS"]''\\
'''T''': Hey, A & N, you're late.\\

'''Sports Fans''': [''More yelling and cheering'']\\
'''One Fan''': Check it out! Those remind me of--\\
'''Music/OzzyOsbourne''': Boobs! ''[Watching the game on television]''\\
'''Sharon''': Boobs, Ozzy?\\
'''Ozzy''': These filmmakers are just [[PrecisionFStrike f***ing]] boobs.\\
'''Kelly''': What do you mean, dad?\\
'''Ozzy''': Well, [[DidntWeUseThisJokeAlready they're using the same f***ing joke]] as they did in the [[LampshadeHanging last Austin]] [[NoFourthWall Powers movie]].\\
'''Sharon''': What f***ing joke?\\
'''Jack''': You know, the [[OverlyLongGag f***ing]] joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's--\\
'''Colonel''': Johnson! Any sign of that satellite?

--->'''Dr. Evil''': Scotty! Scotty! Take it ''down'' a notch. It's creepin' a bit.

* The bit where Scotty breaks down after [[spoiler:realizing that Dr Evil is actually Nigel Powers' son]] is fairly serious, [[MoodWhiplash until he runs off very gently]].

* Do to being a man from the sixties Austin misinterprets the end of the cold war:

*** Coincidentally, Creator/WarnerBros (now the parent of Creator/NewLineCinema), Creator/LegendaryPictures and Creator/Toho collaborated on a new series of ''Godzilla'' films that [[Film/Godzilla2014 began in 2014]] as well as the ''[[Film/PokemonDetectivePikachu Detective Pikachu]]'' movie.

* "That's not your mother-it's a '''MAN''', ''baby''!

* When Austin tries to turn around in his motorized tour cart during the finale. Instead of merely backing up down the hallway, he tries to do a Y-Turn with a vehicle in a ''really'' narrow hallway. The whole concept is so ridiculous it's great. In particular, the part where he looks backward but accidentally drives ''forward'' is hysterical.
** Culminates in him somehow being wedged in the hallway horizontally.

* The steamroller scene, in which Austin and Vanessa run down a henchman -- Who happens to have the worst survivor skills on earth. As he literary just stands there giving a BigNo despite it taking the steamroller a full minute to actually reach him.

* The lab after finding Fat Bastard's...[[{{Squick}} stool sample]]...

* "[[YourPrincessIsInAnotherCastle Not so fast]]! You're surrounded, Dr Evil!" "[[PrecisionFStrike Shit.]]"

* Austin watches a videotape of notable historic events in the last thirty years. Vanessa joins him:

-->"Bring in the Fem-'''BOTS'''!"
-->"SCOOOOOOOTT!"
-->"Send in the CLOOONE!"
-->"''Begin laser IGNITIOOOON!''" (Smacks riding crop)
-->"Lies. ALL LIES!"
-->"LOWER THE GLOOOBE!"
--->"RELEASE THE METEOOOR!"

--> '''Radar Man''': It appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy!\\

--> '''Austin''': Let me ask you something, and be honest. (turns on rotating bed and music) Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?

--> '''Dr. Evil''': Gentlemen: I have a plan. ''(Random Task takes Mr. Bigglesworth, but he grabs Dr. Evil's arm too, so he's wheeled away from the table. After wheeling back...)'' It's called blackmail. As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money... or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage, and therefore... would have to divorce.\\

-->'''Austin:''' Who does Number Two work for?! [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Who... does... Number... Two... work... for?!]] [[note]]In the {{Recut}} version, he says (twice) "Who does Number Two work for?!" with the second time in [[PunctuatedForEmphasis that same manner]], again from alternate takes from filming the scene.[[/note]]
-->'''Cowboy:''' That's it, buddy. You show that turd who's boss!

-->'''Cowboy:''' Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?!
* - Dr. Evil's famous laugh. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfUM5xHUY4M The entirety of it is more awkward and humorous than threatening.]]

-->"Music/JimiHendrix. Deceased. Drugs."
-->"Music/JanisJoplin. Deceased. Alcohol."
-->"[[Music/TheMamasAndThePapas Mama Cass]]. Deceased. [[RuleOfThree Ham sandwich.]]"

-->'''Dr. Evil:''' You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with ''[[EnergyWeapon frickin' laser beams]] attached to their heads!'' Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can not be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. Alright, what ''do'' we have?
-->'''Number 2:''' Sea bass.\\

--> '''Vanessa''': Wait a minute... I always carry this with me, just in case. (pulls out floss)\\

-->'''Austin''': Vanessa, you're a fem-bot!
-->'''Vanessa''': [[CaptainObvious No shit, Sherlock!]]

--> '''KKK Member:''' [[EvenEvilHasStandards What are you]], [[EveryoneHasStandards some kind]] [[HypocriticalHumor of freak?!]]

---> '''Dr. Evil:''' [''Holding a model globe from the set up for the camera''] The world is mine! The world is mine ya f#$%ers! [''promptly smashes it on the ground, as if he didn't really know what to do with it'']

--> '''Basil:''' How was your honeymoon?\\

--> '''Dr. Evil''': SILENCE!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!

---> '''Dr. Evil''': ...I know. Meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a "Belgian dip".

--> '''Colonel''': And try to lose some weight, for God's sake.\\

--> '''Austin''': Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Vietcong. ''(taking pictures of himself)'' And look: I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.

--> '''Ivana Humpalot:''' (seductively) Do you know what we do to keep warm in Russia?\\

--> '''Basil:''' I suggest you [[MST3KMantra don't think about those things and, just enjoy yourself]]. [[BreakingTheFourthWall That goes for you all, too.]]\\

--> '''Austin Powers:''' Why won’t you die?!

--> '''Dr. Evil:''' You look so healthy and youthful.\\

--> '''Fat Bastard:''' FIRST THINGS FIRST -- WHERE'S YA SHITTER? I GOT A TURTLE HEAD POKING OUT!... \\

--> '''Dr. Evil:''' You want to wear the daddy pants?

--> '''Scott:''' Psst. It's 1969. ''Jerry Maguire'' won't come out for another thirty years. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Ass.

--> '''Dr. Evil:''' (rapping) From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone / I knew that I'd be safe, 'cause I'd never be alone / An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, / My hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing / I hoped Scott would look up to me / Run the business of the family / Head an evil empire, just like his dear old dad / Gave him the love and the things I never had / Scott would think I was a cool guy / Return the love I have, make me want to cry / Be evil, but have my feelings too / change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou / But Scott rejected me, c'es la vie. / Life is cruel, treats you unfairly. / Even so, a God there must be / Mini-Me, you complete me.

-->(Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar)
-->'''Radar Operator:''' Colonel, you'd better take a look at this radar.
-->'''Colonel:''' What is it, son?
-->'''Radar Operator:''' I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
-->'''Jet Pilot:''' Dick.
-->'''Co-Pilot:''' Yeah?
-->'''Jet Pilot:''' Take a look out of starboard.
-->'''Co-Pilot:''' Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
-->'''Bird-Watching Woman:''' Pecker!
-->'''Bird-Watching Man:''' (raising binoculars) Ooh, Where?
-->'''Bird-Watching Woman:''' Wait, that's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
-->'''Army Sergeant:''' [[NoIndoorVoice Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object!]] It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
-->'''Baseball Umpire:''' Two balls!
-->(looking up from game)
-->'''Baseball Umpire:''' What is that? That looks just like an enormous...
-->'''Chinese Teacher:''' Wang! Pay attention.
-->'''Wang:''' I was distracted by that enormous flying...
-->'''Musician:''' Willie.
-->'''Music/WillieNelson:''' Yeah?
-->'''Musician:''' What's that?
-->'''Music/WillieNelson:''' (squints) Well, it looks like a giant...
-->'''Colonel:''' Johnson.
-->'''Radar Operator:''' Yes, sir?
-->'''Colonel:''' Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

--> '''Felicity:''' What do you think of ''these'', my man?\\

--> '''Dr. Evil:''' (deep voice) Know this. [[Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack Austin, I am your father.]]\\

--> '''Scott:''' I thought I was a test tube baby.\\

--> '''Fat Bastard:''' Great, now it smells like someone took a shit in a pine tree!

--> '''Creator/KevinSpacey as Dr. Evil''': Hey, Powers! You better watch your friggin' self, because this is one doctor who ''does'' make house calls. Right, Mini-Me?
--> '''Creator/DannyDevito as Mini-Me''': Hey ''assholes''! (gives the finger) I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me!

--> '''Austin''': I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the greatest director in the world, is gonna make a mooooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I ''do'' have some thoughts.\\

--> '''Number Two''': By charging A-list clients 9 percent, rather than the traditional 10 percent, we've been able to sign such stars as George Clooney.\\

--> '''Dr. Evil''': Aabuuuhhh......

--> '''Dr. Evil''': You know when you have kids, I think your going to find that all kids are different, eh?\\

--> '''Number Two''': Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished unveiling your plan?\\

--> '''Scott''': You know, this is causing me serious psychological harm!\\

--> '''Dr. Evil''': Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.\\

---> '''Basil''': Austin, I'm sorry to interrupt.\\

---> '''Number Three''': Bye.\\

-->'''Goldmember:''' Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's faja.
-->(pause)
-->'''Dr. Evil:''' His what?
-->'''Number 2:''' His faja, Dr. Evil.
-->'''Dr. Evil:''' His ferdjer? What's a ferdjer?
-->'''Goldmember:''' His faja. You know, the faja.
-->'''Dr. Evil:''' You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
-->'''Goldmember:''' Faja, his dad, dad is faja.
-->'''Dr. Evil:''' Oh, his dad. His * fa-ther*
-->'''Goldmember:''' Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that vierd?

-->'''Nigel Powers:''' Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is this your first day on the job or something? Look, here is how it goes. You attack me and I knock you down with a single punch. Okay? Go.
--> ''(a guard goes at him)''
-->'''Nigel Powers''': Judo chop! ''(knocks first guard over with judo chop)''
-->'''Dr. Evil''': Oh, he's good.
-->'''Nigel Powers''': Judo chop! ''(knocks second guard over with judo chop. The last guard standing there holds his gun nervously.)'' Do you know who I am?
--> ''(guard nods)''
-->'''Nigel Powers''': Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
--> ''(guard nods again)''
-->'''Nigel Powers''': And look at you, you don't even have a name tag! You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son.
-->''(the guard does so)''

-->'''Goldmember:''' Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know?
-->(Dr. Evil slowly rolls his chair right next to Goldmember)
-->'''Dr. Evil:''' How 'bout [[SuddenlyShouting NO, YOU CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD?!?]]
-->(Goldmember makes a priceless "snubbed" face)

-->'''Nigel Powers:''' So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
-->(Mini-Me nods unsure)
-->'''Nigel Powers:''' You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
-->(Mini-Me unzips his pants)
-->(* thump* )
-->'''Nigel Powers:''' My word! You're a [[BiggerIsBetterInBed tripod]]. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
-->(Mini-Me nods, smiling, then does just that)

--> '''Fat Bastard''': Oh great. Iiiiiiisn't this magical.

--> '''Fat Bastard''': Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know. But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewed.\\

-->'''Dr. Evil''': Alright, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out, come on! ''(Scott moves to get up)'' Not you, Scottie. ''(Number Two moves to get up)'' Not you, Number Two. ''(Frau moves to get up)'' Not you, Frau. ''(Goldmember moves to get up)'' Not you, Goldmember. ''(Camera cuts to various henchmen around the sub)'' [[OverlyLongGag Not you guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench.]] [[TheRuntAtTheEnd Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.]]
-->''(Awkward silence, as everyone turns to look as Mini-Me)''
-->'''Dr. Evil''': ''Oooh'', this is uncomfortable.
-->'''Goldmember''': Haha, the tiny one can't take a hint! He doesn't understand he is shmall, haha.

--> '''Austin''': Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Ah, thank you.

---> '''Austin''': What do you know about my father's where.........about..........s?

--> Please eat some shit[[spoiler:ake mushrooms]].
--> Your ass[[spoiler:ignment]] is [[spoiler:an un]]happy [[spoiler:one]].
--> I have a huge rod[[spoiler:ent problem]].

--> '''Mr. Roboto''': Why don't I just speak in English?!\\

--> '''Austin''': Mr Roboto was lying to us.\\

-->'''Creator/BrianTee:''' RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
-->'''Creator/MasiOka:''' It ''looks'' like Godzilla, [[NotZilla but due to international copyright laws, it's not]].
-->'''Creator/BrianTee:''' STILL, WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT ''IS'' GODZILLA!
-->'''Creator/MasiOka:''' (''[[AsideGlance looks at camera with a wry smile]]'') Though it isn't.
-->(''{{beat}}, both scream and run away'')

--> '''Nigel''': What about your Swedish nanny Helga?\\

--> '''Foxy''': "You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?" That's so sweet. No, Mini-man, I'm not. ''(Mini-Me hands her another note)'' "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yes, I'm sure. ''(Mini-Me hands her one more note)'' "Would you ''like'' to?"\\

-->'''Radar Operator''': Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
-->'''Colonel''': Which one?
-->'''Radar Operator''': It's the one that looks like a pair of--
-->'''Hot Storekeeper''': Melons! [''holds up two cantaloupes''] Big juicy melons!
-->'''Random Passerby''': Are they nice and firm?
-->'''Hot Storekeeper''': Well, what do you think?
-->'''Random Passerby''': [''points into the sky''] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant--
-->'''Sports Fans''': [''Yelling and cheering; four of their chests spell "TITS"]
-->'''T''': Hey, A & N, you're late.
--> [''Two more men with "A" and "N" on their chests walk in and go between the "T" and the "S". The chests now spell "TITANS".'']
-->'''Sports Fans''': [''More yelling and cheering'']
-->'''One Fan''': Check it out! Those remind me of--
-->'''Music/OzzyOsbourne''': Boobs! [''Watching the game on television'']
-->'''Sharon''': Boobs, Ozzy?
-->'''Ozzy''': These filmmakers are just [[PrecisionFStrike f***ing]] boobs.
-->'''Kelly''': What do you mean, dad?
-->'''Ozzy''': Well, [[DidntWeUseThisJokeAlready they're using the same f***ing joke]] as they did in the [[LampshadeHanging last Austin]] [[NoFourthWall Powers movie]].
-->'''Sharon''': What f***ing joke?
-->'''Jack''': You know, the [[OverlyLongGag f***ing]] joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's--
-->'''Colonel''': Johnson! Any sign of that satellite?

---> '''Dr. Evil''': Scotty! Scotty! Take it ''down'' a notch. It's creepin' a bit.