History Funny / AssassinsCreedIII

---->'''Haytham''': ...Because I said so!

* In a memetic sense, thanks to the new feature adding huntable animals, Connor can now join the likes of [[VideoGame/RedDeadRedemption John Marston]] in getting '''[[DemonicSpider Cougar]]'d'''!

* The entire conversation between Haytham and Ben Franklin regarding the [[ChristmasCake virtues of having an older woman as a lover.]] Ben is ''not'' joking about preparing a "treatise" on the subject, and recites a seven point list. Haytham even laughingly calls Ben a "mad bastard!"

* When playing on the remaster there's a certain humorous irony to be found during the discussion with Achilles about his old robes and how, as they were passed down from a past assassin, they represent the age and heritage of the Brotherhood. To elaborate, the remaster includes outfits belonging to all the subsequent male protagonists from ''VideoGame/AssassinsCreedIVBlackFlag'' to ''VideoGame/AssassinsCreedOdyssey'' which are put on display in the Assassin hideout under the mansion and are visible in the background during this scene. Of particular note are the robes belonging to [[VideoGame/AssassinsCreedOrigins Bayek of Siwa]][[note]]One of the Brotherhood's ''original founders''[[/note]], which are seen fairly prominently in the background (assuming Connor himself isn't already wearing them).

--> '''Haytham (taken aback)''': ''"Charles?!"''
--> '''Lee (completely nonchalant)''': ''"Sir?"''
--> '''Haytham''': (Begins to say something, then shrugs and follows him in.)

--> '''Haytham''': ''"Me Haytham. I... come... in... peace."''
--> '''Ziio''': ''"Why... are... you... speaking... so... slow?"''

--> '''Soldier''': ''"Oi! Where you goin', cully?"''
--> '''Haytham''': ''"Who? Me?"''
--> '''Soldier''': ''"No, the other cock robin!"''
--> '''Haytham''': ''"Well...I, uh, I '''WAS''' leaving."''
--> '''Soldier''': ''"Oh? And now?"''
--> '''Haytham''': *steps away from the door* ''"Well now... I'm going to feed you your teeth."''
--> '''Ziio''': ''"And you thought '''I''' was going to be the problem?"''
--> Cue soldier getting thrown straight through a table.

-->'''Godfrey''': ''"Listen you totty-headed twiddle poop - there's a difference between a tribe and a confederation and it's not my fault your skull's too thick to make sense of it."''
-->'''Terry''': ''"Who you calling a twiddle poop, you crumb-backed scab!"''

--> '''Haytham''': ''"Oh. No. Don't do that! There's no way of knowing what's on the other siiiii-"''
--> <a second later, we see the two falling through the air>
--> '''Haytham''': ''"-iiiiiiiide!!"'' <splash>
--> '''Connor''': *as they float in the harbor* ''"[[DeadpanSnarker We do now.]]"''

--> '''Connor''': ''"Then what do you propose we do? [[DeadpanSnarker March in there and demand answers?]]"''
--> '''Haytham''': ''"Well... [Beat] [[BluntYes Yes.]]''"
--> <Connor shakes his head, and when he turns to look [[spoiler: at his father]], he realizes he's already jumped down.>
** Haytham's reaction to a captured officer freeing himself and escaping is to sigh and say ''"....really?"'' What follows is him arguing with Connor as to who should chase after him.

---> '''Haytham''': "...Because I said so!"

--> '''de Grasse''': ''"Wait, wait. I thought you might need some pirates killed, or goods transported. And instead, you ask us to....what, shell New York?"''
--> '''Connor''': ''"No. Of course not."''
--> '''de Grasse''': ''"Ah...."''
--> '''Connor''': ''"[[ByNoIMeanYes Only part of it.]]"''
--> '''de Grasse''': ''"....explain yourself."''

---> In 2002, [Marquis de] Lafayette was declared an honourary citizen of the United States, one of seven people to ever receive the tribute. Arrogantly, Lafayette didn't even bother turning up to the ceremony.\\

---> And becuase it's a pet peeve of mine - you may have Heard that Newman put up the lanterns to warn Revere about the British approach - it's one of those historical details everyone seems to get wrong. Revere already knew about the raid, and in fact had been the one to pass the knowledge on to Newman. The lanterns were meant as a warning to lookouts in Charlestown - a backup in case Revere was caught before he managed to leave town. Please learn this so you can impress girls on fist dates, as I do, though they often seem so overwhelmed by it they rarely call again. That's the power of knowledge, and it's dangerous.

---> It wasn't even catered. You people are savages.

---> (after talking about Eagle Vision) Of course you'll know more about that than me (I can't believe I just typed that) because it's in your blood, and that's part of why you're here.
--->([[{{Beat}} Blank]])
---> Well, let's be honest. You knew you weren't here because of my enduring affection, or my warm an passionate cuddles.

---> He was terrific at jumping, too.

---> Oh, good. You're actually reading these. I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting my time. Because you know how much I love wasting my time.
---> ([[{{Beat}} Blank]])
---> Now - make me some tea, would you?

---> This is one of many wars in the longstanding British vs. French rivalry. Well, YOU might call it a rivalry. I'd call it a battle of wits with an unarmed country.
---> ...
---> Eventually, the French were driven out of almost all of their territory north of the Caribbean, something we in Britain celebrate with a special holiday, called "Every day, all year".

---> Dawes was a tanner by trade. These days he would make a fortune in New Jersey, the amount of tanning that goes on there.

--> '''Cross''': ''"Look, the boss man said I'm not supposed to kill you, but he didn't say anything about fuckin' you up. So you have 'till the count of-"''
--> '''Desmond''': [[CombatPragmatist (Disarms and smacks with the power source)]]
--> '''Cross''': ''"Uuugh..."'' (falls unconscious)

--> '''Connor''': ''"Norris is trying to court a woman. What do...''you women'' like? ...In terms of gifts?"''

--->'''Norris''': ''"I...like Myriam."''
--->'''Connor''': ''"We all do. She is a good friend."''
--->'''Norris''': ''"I...mean more than that."''
--->'''Connor''': ''"Oh...OH!"''

--->*Norris runs at Connor from behind and grabs his shoulder*\\
[=*=]Connor reflexively flips Norris onto the ground*\\
'''Norris''': ''"My friend!"''\\
'''Connor''': ''"Norris! What are you doing?!"''\\
'''Norris''': ''"She said yes!!"''\\
'''Connor''': ''"Myriam?"''\\
'''Norris''': ''"We are getting married!"''\\
[=*=]Connor helps him up*\\
'''Myriam''': ''"I told you not to touch him, Norris!"''

-->'''Erudito:''' (Stacy French's three sizes are written off to the side) ''"Attractive females test well with the target demographic. Who are primarily male."''
-->'''Stacy French:''' ''([[PlayboyBunny Bunny ears and bowtie drawn over her]])'' "[[DoubleEntendre I jiggle my joystick with the best of them.]]"
-->'''Erudito:''' ''"See what I mean?"''

--> '''Achilles''': ''"I apologize if I've been unclear or otherwise confused you with my words. It was never my intention to mislead, so let me try to clarify: [[SophisticatedAsHell get the hell off my land!]]"''

-->'''Paul''': "''Best go rouse your militia...and...eh...put on some pants.''"

--> [[spoiler:'''Vidic''']]: Well, I see you've learned absolutely nothing since you left us. Walking into an elevator in the middle of a hostile environment...really?

-->'''Connor''': My name is Ratohnhaké;ton
-->'''Achilles''': Right... well, I am not even going to try to pronounce that.

-->[[spoiler: '''Haytham''']]: Once you've dealt with these louts, meet me in New York.
-->'''Connor''': What? You mean to just leave? Now?
-->[[spoiler: '''Haytham''']]: If you can't handle a couple of mercenaries then we've really no business working together.
-->'''Connor''': Unbelievable.
* Earlier in the same mission with [[spoiler: Haytham]], Connor approaches a man (in cahoots with their target) directly to ask about the target's whereabouts and scares him off. In snarktacular fashion [[spoiler: Haytham]] makes fun of Connor.
-->[[spoiler: '''Haytham''']]: Well Played.
* The beginning of Connor and [[spoiler: Haytham's]] short lived alliance starts off rather funny as well.
-->'''Connor''': And what do you propose?
-->[[spoiler: '''Haytham''']]: A truce. Perhaps some time together would do us good... Or I can kill you now if you'd prefer.

* Ratohnhaké:ton's facial reactions upon waking up in [[spoiler: the world where George Washington has gone mad and proclaimed himself king,]] are as follows: [[spoiler: Why is Mom alive?]] What's going on? ''What the hell am I wearing?!''
* After [[spoiler: Ben Franklin finds a disguise so he and Ratonhnhake:ton can escape Boston:]]
-->'''Franklin:''' Bit of a tight fit. How do I look?
-->'''Ratonhnhake:ton (while smiling):''' Ridiculous.
-->'''Franklin:''' '''*offended*''' You don't have to be so honest.

* When Connor goes to procure an alternate outfit during the hunt for [[spoiler: Benajmin Church]]:
--> '''Haytham:''' I will wait here, then.
--> '''Connor:''' Of course you will.
--> '''Haytham:''' Oh! I'm sorry. Would you like me to come along and hold your hand, perhaps? Provide kind words of encouragement?

--> '''Connor:''' He got WHAT?

* According to the emails, the Assassins thought Juno was initially just talking to them via recording, a la Minerva, up until William said ''something'' about her that made her unleash a DeathGlare. Given how much of an ass William is at that point, it's both unexpected and hilarious.

* Haytham and Connor are attempting to find a way out of a burning building and Haytham asks Connor to find something to pry open the door...only to find his son standing behind him ready to charge at the door.

* While eavesdropping on some British officers. Haytham starts to complain that they're getting nowhere, leading to this little gem.

* Haytham's reaction to a captured officer freeing himself and escaping is to sigh and say ''"....really?"'' What follows is him arguing with Connor as to who should chase after him.
** Said conversation is a beautiful moment on its own. Haytham tells Connor to chase the soldier, and naturally he angrily demands why he should be the one to chase him. Haytham's response is to look at Connor like he's grown an extra head and say, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world...

** This somewhat serves as a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}} as well because, seriously, this is how [[spoiler:father and son]] usually act around each other.

* The entire conversation between Haytham and Ben Franklin regarding the [[ChristmasCake virtues of having an older woman as a lover.]] Haytham even laughingly calls Ben a "mad bastard!"
** Even funnier because there's even a little bit of foreshadowing there, as Haytham not long after forms a relationship with Ziio who looks older than he is.
*** The funniest part that [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress this article is 100% real]].

* One [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2e5o-k7KMs pre-order commercial]] has Connor surrounded by redcoats. He remarks "hold on", bolts from the fight, then we are treated of a montage of him traveling across the country to a Mayan temple where he finds the pre-order bonus sword, then ''runs all the way back to the fight''.

* When Haytham manages to stop Ziio in the forest, [[YouNoTakeCandle he tries speaking to her thinking she barely understands English]].

* When Haytham manages to stop Ziio in the forest, he tries speaking to her like she barely understands English.

--> '''Haytham''': "...Because I said so!"

--> In 2002, [Marquis de] Lafayette was declared an honourary citizen of the United States, one of seven people to ever receive the tribute. Arrogantly, Lafayette didn't even bother turning up to the ceremony.\\

--> And becuase it's a pet peeve of mine - you may have Heard that Newman put up the lanterns to warn Revere about the British approach - it's one of those historical details everyone seems to get wrong. Revere already knew about the raid, and in fact had been the one to pass the knowledge on to Newman. The lanterns were meant as a warning to lookouts in Charlestown - a backup in case Revere was caught before he managed to leave town. Please learn this so you can impress girls on fist dates, as I do, though they often seem so overwhelmed by it they rarely call again. That's the power of knowledge, and it's dangerous.

--> It wasn't even catered. You people are savages.

--> (after talking about Eagle Vision) Of course you'll know more about that than me (I can't believe I just typed that) because it's in your blood, and that's part of why you're here.
-->([[{{Beat}} Blank]])
--> Well, let's be honest. You knew you weren't here because of my enduring affection, or my warm an passionate cuddles.

--> He was terrific at jumping, too.

--> Oh, good. You're actually reading these. I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting my time. Because you know how much I love wasting my time.
--> ([[{{Beat}} Blank]])
--> Now - make me some tea, would you?

--> This is one of many wars in the longstanding British vs. French rivalry. Well, YOU might call it a rivalry. I'd call it a battle of wits with an unarmed country.
--> ...
--> Eventually, the French were driven out of almost all of their territory north of the Caribbean, something we in Britain celebrate with a special holiday, called "Every day, all year".

-->'''Norris''': ''"I...like Myriam."''
-->'''Connor''': ''"We all do. She is a good friend."''
-->'''Norris''': ''"I...mean more than that."''
-->'''Connor''': ''"Oh...OH!"''

-->*Norris runs at Connor from behind and grabs his shoulder*\\