Reviews: The Witcher

I couldn't sleep over the noise of my neighbor beating his wife last night

Thats a genuine line of NPC dialogue. So yeah, if you've heard The Witcher is mature, that's a lie. It's mature in the way replacing 'build' with 'f*@!' in the Bob The Builder theme song is mature.

This game has a minigame where you collect cards of naked women by having sex with the various NP Cs. Typically this will go something like someone saying 'I like flowers' and then you give them flowers and ask if they want to have sex. Or you save a women from being mugged and she asks how she can repay you and so you tell her she can sleep with you.

And then there's a witch whose about to be burnt at the stake and she'll let you have sex with her so she won't be burnt alive. But that's not the worst way that scenario can play out, you can make her have sex with you and then go outside, call her a whore for doing it and tell the villagers to burn her alive. It can be fun to play an evil character, but in Knights Of The Old Republic or Fallout, that's what it is, fun, silly cartoon evil in a surreal setting. They don't normally let you rape someone for collectibles.

The worst thing is, this review could have been longer. I played past that point, I collected my card. And there are other things to discuss, the start is boring and the scope seems to be pretty limited. The combat is uninvolving and the strategy involves more long term preparation and decision making and there are lots of plot gates. They go down the 'evil priest' route, because that's not a well explored theme. Geralt is trying way too hard to be cool, fighting and gambling minigames and he speaks rarely and in one line putdowns. He even has a scar. But a lot of its fun, the world is big, the upgrade system is good, the potion system, despite front-loading strategy is pretty interesting. And it's just a small part of the game, it's incredibly easy to ignore and pass by. I almost did and I imagine I was a lot less invested than others at this point. I sort of what to know what happens.

But this review is not going to be longer, because I didn't get past the second chapter of the game. I stopped and thought about it and decided that I really don't want to be playing a game where that event could exist and someone scripted, animated and found voice actors for it. It would have probably have been fun and enjoying this game would have been the worst thing of all