Reviews: Catwoman

A Mewling Quim

First things first: the main character is not Selina Kyle, it is not a spin-off from any previous Batman media or based on the comics. Just because something is different doesn't always mean it sucks. This movie, however, really sucks.

OK so we start out in the daily life of every female-demographic oriented protagonist ever. Seriously, Catwoman, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, 13 Going on 30, the Devil Wears Prada—why does the heroine always have to work as an assistant or whatever at some office firm for some asshole boss?

She works in the advertising department of a make-up firm. She stumbles across a dark secret, and ends being killed by her coworkers by falling from a huge height. And then a bunch of cats come from nowhere. So this magic cat that was hanging around Halle Berry all day for some reason burps on her and brings her back to life, which somehow gives her magic cat powers (like super agility/acrobatics, which isn't really a “super power” but something you need training to have, and long-range cat vision that never shows up in the movie again). The scene is otherwise very similar to Batman Returns, which just begs the question of why we redid it…

Anyways, so begins the overload of cat-themed visual puns in the movie. If you thought Catwoman in the 60's TV Show was a little too subtle, then this is the flick for you! She starts eating cans of tuna, becomes entranced by fish-tanks, goes to a bar and orders a complicated drink that just turns out to be milk. Hil-fucking-arious. She takes the magic cat back to its owner who happens to be, of course, a Crazy Cat Lady.

The Crazy Cat Lady apparently knows the cat can give you magic powers, and implies that the cat is an ancient Egyptian god-thing that has created Catwomen for centuries. She apparently tried to tell people, but her “Magic Cat” theory was shot down. Why? Because of male academia of course! They were men and so too stupid and arrogant to listen to a WOMAN's cockamamie cat-burp resurrection theories.

So right after this little bit of Straw Feminism in a movie whose plot centers around makeup, Halle Berry reveals the new Catwoman costume: a Stripperific leather dominatrix outfit with cuts in the legs, Bare Your Midriff, a leather bra, bright red lipstick, and high heels.

I wouldn't recommend this unless you're into So Bad, It's Good (or Benjamin Bratt)