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Misterian Since: Mar, 2011
04/07/2021 12:45:52 •••

Has its good parts, but is in dire need of improvement

The Positive: It has great artwork, some of the characters are likable and interesting, and, for those who like furry art, the character designs are top-notch. You can tell Scotty enjoys his work.

The Negative: The writing is clumsy, often contradicts itself, and falls prey to doing too much "telling over showing."

I'm gonna do a [[Web Video/Saberspark Saberspark]] approach and give suggestions on how I'd improve the story. We can hope at some point Scotty reconsiders his approach and takes some of what I suggest to heart.

1) Show consequences for Ray's vigilantism, and do more to justify trusting (or at least sympathize with) S.O.S.

Here's a easy way to do it with the dock fight scene; have a civilian call S.O.S to report noise from where Ray fights the Port Town Gang in the docks. Have the civilian report it at some point just before the fight ends so that S.O.S's absence is justified by them arriving late because of the late report.

Have some late night dock workers present in the docks and show them in a way so that the audience knows they're here even if Ray doesn't know they here. The workers injured from his fight can also be something Asuka can present to Ray after arresting him as a means to help him see how careless he's acting.

2) Have Ray and Asuka debate the pros and cons of his vigilantism versus S.O.S's due process.

Given Scotty's apparent black-and-white mentality on law enforcement, it seems unlikely he'd go that route, but the debate can fall under Both Sides Have a Point. Ray could defend his actions by pointing out that while people were injured by his collateral damage, they would've been killed if he hadn't intervened. Asuka can point out that Ray's intervention, while more expedient, can cause problems in persecuting the criminals he defeats such as evidence being discredited, or criminals suing him for assault for example.

Using the Both Sides Have a Point approach will also help make her more likable and keep with her intended characterization by making it so the reader can understand her point of view better, make her come across as a proper Reasonable Authority Figure, and make it so you don't have to agree with her views completely to like her as a character.

3) Make Morales conflicted in persecuting Ray.

Something I don't think the comic addresses is how Morales doesn't seem to acknowledge that Ray saved his life.

Perhaps Scotty meant that to be what Asuka tells him in the off-panel part of their conversation. But I'd argue a better approach would be to have him learn this fact earlier and as result, end up feeling bad for prosecuting him.

It would help make him more complex as character and easier sympathize with his point of view.

Stardust5099 Since: Aug, 2017
12/13/2020 00:00:00

As an author, he always struck me as pretentious and narcistic in a low-key fashion. His attempts to make the lawful side seem justified didn't work out too well, even if the fans don't want to acknowledge it, that much I'll give you...and given that the past 4 years has put the law in a negative light for a multitude of reasons, that's especially hard and risky to do in this day and age.

I just think its funny that the author thinks his work is "grounded" in reality just because it has laws and selectively made certain aspects play out realistically, when it takes more than that. I mean...Ray would have atleast had some support in reality, given that there are always skeptics (and the fact that no thorough investigation involving witnesses was done takes away from the realism factor)...Also, having a district attorney get involved in secret weapon projects doesn't make any sense either; Oddvar I could understand since he's governor, but Morales? No...The author gives off right-wing vibes with his style of writing, aside from some of the people he garners with his takes; Doesn't help that he himself is an anti-SJW.

I mean at the end of the day, it's his comic, and I've no intentions of reading any further at the moment due to loss of interest and personal reasons...but still, that's not good writing at all when you outright admit someone's supposed to be in the right with their actions, but a big chunk of your audience outside the comment sections thinks the exact opposite...and how Morales didn't learn of Ray saving him, especially when Khali saw the whole thing, is beyond me. Either the author is building something up or just because; either way, it makes no sense and to be honest a story where common sense is nonexistent is just as bad where it's in full effect...no matter what it is he's building up to, it's just going to make the writing worse than it already is; wouldn't surprise me if the rest of the arc became some dumb allegory for "cancel culture", because it sure feels like it's heading that route.

Essentially you said what I was thinking but never had room to write in my review in great depth. Well written!

ZionMex Since: Apr, 2021
04/06/2021 00:00:00

redacted for rudeness - Fighteer

MichaelKatsuro Since: Apr, 2011
04/07/2021 00:00:00

Zion, don\'t import drama. That\'s forbidden.


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