Romance

My girlfriend told me we should see other people. Easy for her to say, I'm blind!

That's really harsh. Sorry to hear about it.

I'm not really sure if I should get into a relationship. I want to but I'm different. I guess I'm eccentric to say the least and the town I live in is a complete hell. They don't like people that are extremely different. Because of that I've been trying to find old friends from a place I used to live in. I found this girl who I would probably like, but I don't know if I've actually met her before. She seems nice, but I don't know how to talk to her without sounding creepy. I feel like we would get along but I don't really know what to do at this point.

I miss my girlfriend so much...she lives across the country from me and I wish she was here so badly.

I'm feeling pretty sad about it right now.

Half a year later I have to say I'm glad that the person I talked about turned me down. Not that there was something necessarily wrong with her, I still like her as a person, but we would have clashed a lot if we became a couple. Funny how that turns out.

If I may ask the thread, what makes the concept of romantic love "worth it" in your eyes? I'm not sure if it's something I actually want or something I just have to put up with on occasion.

It's very complicated.

To me at least, relationships can represent both some of the best and worst life has to offer. The intimacy that is a natural component of any relationship where either person is at least somewhat emotionally invested is very much a double edged sword in that regard. It can create some of the happiest and emotionally fulfilling moments in your life and give you someone that deeply understands and supports you to accompany you on a mutual life journey...but it things go back it can cut extremely deep and leave you emotionally devastated and leave emotional scars that can take years to heal.

I think in order to have a healthy relationship (with just about anyone really, not just romantically) it requires a high degree of self-understanding and security in who you are and your own worth. Any insecurities, unhappiness or flaws that you have aren't going to magically disappear once you're in a relationship, in fact the issue is that it can often greatly magnify or expose those issues and force you to face some very uncomfortable truths about yourself and who you really are. If you already are well-adjusted enough to have a strong sense of self-worth and mastery of your emotions it will be much easier to deal with all of that, and in fairness that's one of the most difficult things in life, so a lot of people really aren't there yet.

Or at least that's what I can say from my personal experience.

I'm...not really at that point myself. I have so many problems trying to get my own life off the ground emotionally, financially, and spiritually that I don't really entertain an idea of seriously getting into another relationship at this moment. Right now I really have nothing going for me.

That's my issue...I love my girlfriend, and she loves me, and I want it to last a long time. But I'm worried that my confidence issues will undermine it. I don't want to find out how much patience she has for me. Because it's really made me confront my confidence issues that on reflection go much deeper and are much more of a block to my life in general than I thought.

She's been super super supportive though, and that's something that no normal person would be. She is a special person

That was the big thing on my end that led to my first relationship falling apart. The massive self-esteem issues I had were in full force and I couldn't just hide them or pretend it was all ok anymore.

My girlfriend is basically exactly everything I wish I was and that's been the only negative thing about my relationship. It's uncanny how she not only succeeds, but is succeeding in precisely the ways I wish I was. All I need for it to be perfect is to get over myself.

People...I don't get them.

As a fellow insecure person who's also in an online relationship, your story is extremely relatable. Uncannily so, in fact. I feel those exact same fears.

But remember, learning from one another is part of a relationship. For instance, when we started dating, my girlfriend was a workaholic and I was kind of a slacker. Over time, she taught me to work a little harder, and I taught her to take a break every once in a while. Maybe you can pick up on some of your lady friend's habits too?

edited 12th May '17 4:52:14 PM by ThriceCharming

The issue with that is I swear that she shares all of my good qualities and none of my flaws.

Ha, I'm a huge slacker too. It's hard to tell how much of that is just me being lazy as opposed to my depression sapping my motivation and ability to focus properly.

I would get into a relationship but every time I have a crush on someone, they find someone two weeks later.

One of the things about honest, open relationships is that the people involved are free to tell their partner their deepest, darkest fears and weaknesses. I know it seems that your gf is perfect to you now but deep down, she's still very human and has her own flaws. Stay with her long enough, and you'll find them — I'll guarantee it.

The thing about romantic relationships is not that any of the people involved are perfect — not by a long shot. What makes them work is that both people can see the weaknesses involved, and still love each other anyway. Oh, they'll always try to make each other the best they can possibly be, but they'll go on loving each other regardless.

I understand that she's not perfect, because no one is. What is going on is that my own mental state will only let me see the way she seems-perception is all that matters to the stupid part of me-to have all the things I've wanted to be but haven't. A paying job. A driver's license. Friends at school. Extra-cirrucular activities she actually enjoys. Having done actual scientific work and receiving a positive feedback loop of praise and recognition from sources as official as parts of her state government itself. Feeling like she has a spot in her new community (she's been there just a year longer than I have in mine) and participating as such. Above all else, she has developed the confidence and self-esteem to pull it all off, climbing out of her own pit of self-doubt while I've been floundering in self-pity for years. She certainly hasn't made my feelings of cratered self-esteem any worse, in fact I'd say having someone who loves me for who I am has provided quite the shot in the arm, but she's made me drag them to the surface and confront them head-on by basically personifying all the things I feel insecure about. She is legitimately the best person I've met and she understands me at a fundamental level like no one else, and she says I understand her like no one else in return, and I want this to last a long time. However, I feel the need to try and find a way to build my confidence up to match, so as to feel like a worthy half of the equation but I don't know where to start because she serves as a constant reminder of what I wish I was.

The very last thing I ever want is for this magical thing we have going to be corroded by my own stupid brain.

edited 13th May '17 9:56:18 AM by LinkToTheFuture

fuckign

why do i have to crush on so many people

That's why I stop with the crushes.

This is purely my opinion, so take it with some salt, but have you tried telling her these things yourself? The better she knows you and how you feel, the better off you'll be.

She knows full well but I'm afraid of dragging her down and souring the relationship

See I've been the flip side of the lack of self-confidence relationship, I was the healthy confident one and she was the open with high levels of self hatred and such.

Look nobody is perfect, nobody good expects their partner to be perfect, if you can manage your things with a bit of help that's good enough.

Things become frustrating as the 'confident' partner either when you feel like you're having to carry your partner and be an adult for them, or when their self hatred gets so bad that they try and sabotage the relationship for your own good.

It's incredibly insulting to be told that a relationship that makes you happy isn't good for you and that you "deserve someone better", I've genuinely had someone try and pull the relationship version of Break His Heart to Save Him where the thing they were apparently saving me from was their own 'worthlessness'. It's insulting, it's demeaning and it shows a total lack of respect for ones own autonomy and choice. Also it was really badly done and I knew what she was doing instantly.

The best basic advise I can give you is to not dump everyone on your partner but to still be honest with them (my girlfriend knows everything that stresses me out, but she isn't always the person I go to when I need to complain for an hour about something), to trust that your amazing partner's amazingness does extend to their ability to determine if you're good for them or not, and to ensure that even if you're having trouble and in a bad spot you're still able to be a functional adult (even if you need some help).

I understand that and have been actively trying to avoid specifically those pitfalls.

I think it's all going very well on the whole.

I have a similar problem as you guys do. Me and my girlfriend both have self-confidence issues and both very well know that. What we do is generally whomever isn't having a bad time supports the one whom is to get them out of it.

She's been trying to support me and I think it's kind of working. At the risk of this turning into Insecurities, I feel like I could be like her if I hadn't spent the last couple years wallowing in my despair and resigning myself to not believing I have worth.

On a more positive note, it's just 2 more months until we can see each other for real and I'm super hyped. We really do complement each other very well

Lucky, I have no clue when I'll get to see my girlfriend

Or mine.