PIME TARADOX!
At least, that’s what I would call this chapter. It’s part 31 of that loveliest of classical romance stories, wherein the one girl is desired by everybody…and screws a few of them depending on her mood.
So with that aside, let’s dig into it!
For this bit of liveblog I will be following the rules of the abridged drinking game, but as any sane person would choose, if it gets to the point where rational typing and snark gets difficult, alcohol will be replaced by orange juice. Body don’t fail me now.
Take a shot each time there's an author's note. Take a shot with every bad pun, two if followed by ‘geddit’.
Take a shot each time the narrative stops to describe the clothing or makeup, two if it's a boy's makeup. Take a shot whenever fishnets are mentioned.
Take a shot each time a band is mentioned, two if they are going to attend a concert.
Take a shot every time preps (or Hillary Duff) are insulted or are flaming again. Take a shot each time Ebony gives somebody the "middle finger".
Take a shot for every use of ‘fuck’, ‘666’, or ‘depressed/depressing/etc.’. Take a shot whenever someone slits their wrists or cries tears of blood.
Take a shot for every overly-long, dramatic pause, as in, "It was................ X!"
Take a shot every time Ebony has sex. Take a shot every time she comments on how hot someone looks, two if it’s a band member. Take a shot whenever she refers to genitalia.
For my sanity, I will be listening to Akira Ifukube.
The author’s note is, once again, too weird to paraphrase:
“AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111”
Quiephs is….a very strange word. I wonder what it means. But that’s two “fuk” right off the bat, so the drinking begins. I’m quite surprised though that she managed to get her character’s name right. She might be flaming preps, but they’re not mentioned, so I’ll use that to escape another shot. However, she did do the xxx666xxxx etc thing. Ouch.
“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).”
This is the first line. Now I haven’t watched Buffy so I don’t get the reference, but the first thing that came to mind is…why would someone who’s a self-confessed “Satanist” and apparent vampire be referencing someone that kills her kind? Yes, it was Sirius Serious who said it, but her drink-inducing note said it rox.
Snape then claims it was just some teaching. Well, at least his story is more believable than anything in this pile of garbage. I get to take another drink as our Sue says“Oh fucking yeah?”(which, surprisingly, contains no spelling errors) and she then takes some…what is this I don’t even…”Volremortserum” out of her pocket. Is she trying to reference Veritaserum? Oh my brain, stop breaking.
The students leave while spells are used to make Snap spill his secrets to a tape recorder, which ignores the rule of “no electric tech in Hogwarts” just like everything else does.
Oh, but then comes the bit where the author’s brain apparently broke as well. Ebony must go back in time to seduce Volxemort! I’m not sure which incarnation of the x-emort brothers that one is, but wouldn’t it be better to go after Voldemort instead? In this dark room, Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Last I checked, Nirvana isn’t in the goth genre. Or anywhere near it. Shouldn’t she be caling them preps for not having slit their wrists a hundred times over? Either way, that’s another two drinks. Bottoms up!
Her other goffik friends come in and give her a bag, from Tom Rid’s store…..and I have a sneaking premonition that my sobriety will be endangered some more. Let’s see:
I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.
Oh..oh god. Sweet merciful raptor jesus, deliver me from this nightmare, for I am not yet ready to ascend to insanity. Barring that, don’t let me die from alcohol poisoning. Three drinks, and I’m starting to feel it. I keep wondering why she goes on about the colours of these clothes, when it’s only ever red and black. We get it. They are “goffik” clothes. Move along. There’s also the hilarity of the “low-smut” dress, featured in a story that contains more inappropriate and badly written sex than any other fanfic I’ve read. Barring Dark Yagami, which isn’t a fanfic, but a travesty upon this earth.
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.
Another drinkum! Thank goodness there’s not one for the gratuitous and wonderfully out-of-place Japanese.
“Fangs.” I said.
I’m not sure if that is an official bad pun, but drink it is. Anyway, now that she’s properly goffik-fied and ready to seduce Volxemort, she’s ready to go back in time. But she can’t just go and stay until it’s done, oh no, that would make too much sense. We’re not where logic applies! She has to do this in several “sessions”, *nudgenudgewinkwink* know what I mean, eh eh? Sorry, my brain. Now she’s given a gun (RUN FOR THE HILLS, THE STUPID SUE HAS A WEAPON) and I give myself another drink because I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill.
Is it just me, (or is it the alcohol talking?) or is that possibly the first thing that’s made sense here, ever? Concealing the gun, I mean, not having one, since I don’t think those would work on Hogwarts grou- wait. Sue powers. Bah.
Then she gave me a black time-tuner.
I now have an image of the Doctor with a radio antenna going “are we travelling in AM or FM time?“
But that’s just my mind trying to make this better than the shit it is. But now a pensive is put in front of her and…wait, hold on. They’re going to use that for time travel? So our wonder-Sue is going to try and seduce a memory that won’t even notice she’s there? Unless canon is raped again, and…oh yea. This is My Immortal. Does anyone have some spare bleach?
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin
I don’t know what deth’s touch sin is. Maybe the opposite of doing the sign of the cross on yourself? Um, I hope that’s what it’s called, no offense intended. Of course, I like that everyone shoots her, because when you see this story’s “protagonist” that’s the only appropriate response.
Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.
Then……….. I sexily took another shot for the superfluous fucking pause. STOP DOING THAT. ARGH. Thank goodness I’ve had dinner or this would be getting strange by now. More so than it is anyway, I mean.
The last paragraph I will reproduce in its entirety. For the record, I am a long-standing aficionado of the entire Tolkien legendarium, more so than anything else, so this bit made me burst out laughing.
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
First off, at least there’s no description of makeup, so no drinks for that. Yes. Tom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo, is now a goff who looks like Mikey Way (I’m going to assume he’s a member of some band, so drink it is. Same for Billie whatever). So it says here that he’s got black hair and a black ripped up suit, but I have it on good authority that he is not only a merry fellow, but that bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. Vans are not boots. Goth Bombadil…DOES NOT COMPUTE.
MELON MELON MELON +++
OUT OF CHEESE ERROR +++
I’ll hand this over to the next person now, or back to Wicked. Unless y’all enjoy my suffering, in which case, I’ll do the next one as well.
PIME TARADOX! At least, that’s what I would call this chapter. It’s part 31 of that loveliest of classical romance stories, wherein the one girl is desired by everybody…and screws a few of them depending on her mood.
So with that aside, let’s dig into it!
For this bit of liveblog I will be following the rules of the abridged drinking game, but as any sane person would choose, if it gets to the point where rational typing and snark gets difficult, alcohol will be replaced by orange juice. Body don’t fail me now.
For my sanity, I will be listening to Akira Ifukube
.
The author’s note is, once again, too weird to paraphrase:
“AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111”
Quiephs is….a very strange word. I wonder what it means. But that’s two “fuk” right off the bat, so the drinking begins. I’m quite surprised though that she managed to get her character’s name right. She might be flaming preps, but they’re not mentioned, so I’ll use that to escape another shot. However, she did do the xxx666xxxx etc thing. Ouch.
“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).”
This is the first line. Now I haven’t watched Buffy so I don’t get the reference, but the first thing that came to mind is…why would someone who’s a self-confessed “Satanist” and apparent vampire be referencing someone that kills her kind? Yes, it was
SiriusSerious who said it, but her drink-inducing note said it rox.Snape then claims it was just some teaching. Well, at least his story is more believable than anything in this pile of garbage. I get to take another drink as our Sue says“Oh fucking yeah?”(which, surprisingly, contains no spelling errors) and she then takes some…what is this I don’t even…”Volremortserum” out of her pocket. Is she trying to reference Veritaserum? Oh my brain, stop breaking.
The students leave while spells are used to make Snap spill his secrets to a tape recorder, which ignores the rule of “no electric tech in Hogwarts” just like everything else does.
Oh, but then comes the bit where the author’s brain apparently broke as well. Ebony must go back in time to seduce Volxemort! I’m not sure which incarnation of the x-emort brothers that one is, but wouldn’t it be better to go after Voldemort instead? In this dark room, Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Last I checked, Nirvana isn’t in the goth genre. Or anywhere near it. Shouldn’t she be caling them preps for not having slit their wrists a hundred times over? Either way, that’s another two drinks. Bottoms up!
Her other goffik friends come in and give her a bag, from Tom Rid’s store…..and I have a sneaking premonition that my sobriety will be endangered some more. Let’s see:
I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.
Oh..oh god. Sweet merciful raptor jesus, deliver me from this nightmare, for I am not yet ready to ascend to insanity. Barring that, don’t let me die from alcohol poisoning. Three drinks, and I’m starting to feel it. I keep wondering why she goes on about the colours of these clothes, when it’s only ever red and black. We get it. They are “goffik” clothes. Move along. There’s also the hilarity of the “low-smut” dress, featured in a story that contains more inappropriate and badly written sex than any other fanfic I’ve read. Barring Dark Yagami, which isn’t a fanfic, but a travesty upon this earth.
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.
Another drinkum! Thank goodness there’s not one for the gratuitous and wonderfully out-of-place Japanese.
“Fangs.” I said.
I’m not sure if that is an official bad pun, but drink it is. Anyway, now that she’s properly goffik-fied and ready to seduce Volxemort, she’s ready to go back in time. But she can’t just go and stay until it’s done, oh no, that would make too much sense. We’re not where logic applies! She has to do this in several “sessions”, *nudgenudgewinkwink* know what I mean, eh eh? Sorry, my brain. Now she’s given a gun (RUN FOR THE HILLS, THE STUPID SUE HAS A WEAPON) and I give myself another drink because I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill.
Is it just me, (or is it the alcohol talking?) or is that possibly the first thing that’s made sense here, ever? Concealing the gun, I mean, not having one, since I don’t think those would work on Hogwarts grou- wait. Sue powers. Bah.
Then she gave me a black time-tuner. I now have an image of the Doctor with a radio antenna going “are we travelling in AM or FM time?“ But that’s just my mind trying to make this better than the shit it is. But now a pensive is put in front of her and…wait, hold on. They’re going to use that for time travel? So our wonder-Sue is going to try and seduce a memory that won’t even notice she’s there? Unless canon is raped again, and…oh yea. This is My Immortal. Does anyone have some spare bleach?
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin
I don’t know what deth’s touch sin is. Maybe the opposite of doing the sign of the cross on yourself? Um, I hope that’s what it’s called, no offense intended. Of course, I like that everyone shoots her, because when you see this story’s “protagonist” that’s the only appropriate response.
Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. Then……….. I sexily took another shot for the superfluous fucking pause. STOP DOING THAT. ARGH. Thank goodness I’ve had dinner or this would be getting strange by now. More so than it is anyway, I mean.
The last paragraph I will reproduce in its entirety. For the record, I am a long-standing aficionado of the entire Tolkien legendarium, more so than anything else, so this bit made me burst out laughing.
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
First off, at least there’s no description of makeup, so no drinks for that. Yes. Tom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo, is now a goff who looks like Mikey Way (I’m going to assume he’s a member of some band, so drink it is. Same for Billie whatever). So it says here that he’s got black hair and a black ripped up suit, but I have it on good authority that he is not only a merry fellow, but that bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. Vans are not boots. Goth Bombadil…DOES NOT COMPUTE.
MELON MELON MELON +++ OUT OF CHEESE ERROR +++
I’ll hand this over to the next person now, or back to Wicked. Unless y’all enjoy my suffering, in which case, I’ll do the next one as well.
edited 22nd Nov '10 10:49:57 AM by balrog1911