All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

"ORDER!" the raspy voice, tinged with disbelief, rang through the courtroom as two gavels simultaneously struck their targets. "Will the foreman please reread the verdict?"

"Uh, not guilty by reason of insanity," juror Bender B. Rodriguez stated, feeling the thick wad of cash rattle inside his hollow body.

In an instant, a cacophony of shouts broke out. Most of them screams of outrage. The rest sobs of humiliation and denied justice. Had it not been for the anti-violence wards and charms positively smothering the courtroom, Judge Harvey Dent was pretty sure that the spells would have begun flying there and then.

The legal expert pressed a palm to his bisected temple and waited two hundred and two seconds for the furor to calm before reaching for his famed silver dollar.

Ting.

Slap.

Good heads. Apollo Dent was in charge.

"Well, there you have it, Mister de Cheese," he all but kept himself from growling. "Your change of venue payed off."

Dent's mismatched eyes scanned the courtroom, brimming with anger. Bender had the grace to look slightly ashamed of himself. The other jurors didn't even have that amount of decency.

"Only here," Dent went on, "Could you find people stupid enough, or twisted enough, to believe this cock and bull! That you, Napoleon "Overmaster" de Cheese-"

He pointed an accusing finger at the defendant.

"Committed one hundred and seven counts of crack pairing, many of them involving fetishes I don't dare name for the sake of what's left of my sanity-"

Solomon Grundy gained a sudden interest in his new pants. Akira and Nagi Springfield awkwardly tried to avoid eye contact with their son. Albus Dumbledore and Granny Goodness hid their faces in their hands. Gorilla Grodd had to remind himself over and over again that he could always take his personal vengeance later.

"Not to mention over nine thousand counts of illegal manga downloading-"

The Planet Express Crew, including Bender, gasped in shock.

"All because of a mental disorder!" Dent finished, fury hanging off of every word.

Silence hung over the courtroom. The kind that signified the simultaneous building of anger amongst several dozen, perhaps over a hundred, people, animals, and assorted sentient beings.

The voice that broke it, however, was not one of the aforementioned angry sentient beings.

"Yeah, pot, he's a real black kettle!" Joseph Kerr, attorney-at-law (according to his nametag, anyhow), snickered from his defendant's side. No one knew how in hell he of all lunatics got the qualifications for the job, but if he could become ambassador of Iran...

Kerr's opponent chose to stay silent, letting the dramatic billowing of his cape (even though every window was closed right now) and his shadow of a scowl speak for him.

"Tell me, Mister de Cheese," Dent growled low. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?!"

The infamous criminal mastermind looked up and gave a blithe smile.

"My bad."

The room turned twice as loud as it had when Bender had read the verdict a second time. Dent found himself mildly appreciative of the irony.

"IRONY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!" Morbo snapped from a corner in the back of the courtroom.

Whoops! Sorry!

"I'm gonna tear that @#$&#$* a new asshole!" Kotaro growled.

"Wait your turn, cretin," Fate Averruncus said from behind the dog demon.

"Despair! The abuse of law for the sake of entertainment has driven me to despair!" Nomozu Itoshiki wailed, even as he withdrew a gun from somewhere inside of his clothing.

"Let's... get... dangerous...!" Darkwing Duck snarled.

"SILENCE!" Dent snapped, hoping to quell the disorder for at least two seconds. When he was given that timeslot, he spoke: "I have yet to decide his verdict."

Napoleon's face turned mildly worried.

Another coin flip. Another slap on the back of his hand. Another result. It was time for Big Bad Harv to come out.

"Very well," the criminal mastermind sneered sadistically. "I - we - hereby sentence you to a period of observation at Arkham, to begin effective immediately."

By now, the criminal's confident look had returned. Indeed, he was busy cleaning his ear with his index finger rather than listening to the bisected judge.

"We have already discussed this with the good doctor Jeremiah Arkham. You will be at work in the archives, collecting and analyzing every piece of media to feature the Joker. Ever. And arranging them all into a seamless continuity map for future generations."

"So... free comic books?"

"In a way," Two-Face gave a crooked grin. "Starting with this one," he added as he threw a trade-paperback into Napoleon's lap.

Twenty-two minutes later, they were finally able to drag a kicking and screaming criminal out of the courtroom, clad in straitjacket and chains and a billion other restraints.

"Well, that was fun!" Joseph Kerr cackled when they were all finally out of earshot of Napoleon's screaming and vows of payback. "Who's for Chinese?"

Two-Face silently watched as the courtroom slowly emptied, and looked at the next case on his docket. The People v. Teeth...

Nodoka woke up slowly, feeling as if her skull was filled with boiling water. Her eyelids weighed a ton, and she felt the urge to cough. After she did it, she noticed she was wearing a pajama she didn't recognize, and she was on a bed she guessed had to be Natsumi's, alone and exhausted.

Then Natsumi walked into the bedroom, wearing only a towel around her body, wet all over and rubbing her hair dry with a smaller towel. "Good morning," she softly greeted. "Feeling better now?"

"Yes," Nodoka had to nod, sitting up as best as she could. "Thanks for everything. What time is it? I should get going, and I've been enough of a—"

Natsumi eased her down. "You had a fever all night long. I think you'd better take the day off. Your studies won't collapse just because you skipped college a single day."

The other girl sighed and glanced at the clock. Only 6:00 A.M.

As Natsumi pulled her towel off and dried her slender body up and down, Nodoka sat on the bed's edge, massaging her temples.

"Want for me to keep you company today?" Natsumi casually commented while pulling her panties up. "I don't have anything too important to do today, either."

"No, no, it'd be asking for too much," Miyazaki shook her head. "Wait. Do you want me to stay here today?"

Natsumi shrugged while clipping her bra on. "Why not? The way to your home is a long one, isn't it? You should fully recover before going back there."

"Yes. There isn't anyone waiting for me there, anyway..."

"Nodoka..."

The librarian stood up. "Sorry. Thanks for your offer. I... I think I'll take it. Can I please use your bath?"

"Sure. Kotaro-kun won't be waking up anytime soon. That sleepyhead would sleep until noon without me."

"Thanks again," Nodoka walked, still somewhat wobbly, out of the room, finding Kotaro sleeping on the floor of the living room on her way. He was cuddled upon himself like an actual dog, his ears plied down the sides of his face.

"I got the couch ready for him, but he still went to sleep on the floor!" Natsumi's voice complained from the bedroom, as if guessing Nodoka's mild shock. "Honestly, he just doesn't know how to respond to my hard work! Do something for him, and he'll ignore it and do things the worst way!"

Nodoka saw, indeed, an ignored couch with blankets and pillows all over it was only a few steps away. For the first time in days, she actually smiled. It was just like a puppy, to do that.

The hot shower made her to feel even better, even if never fully recovered. When she went back to the bedrrom to dress herself, she found Natsumi fully dressed and extending her a full new change of clothes. "We're around the same size, so they'll fit you. I put yours into the washing machine. I hope you won't mind."

"No, I don't, thanks," Nodoka began to mechanically dress herself. "I... I have fully decided on accepting your hospitality. In trade, I'll have dinner ready for you when you come back."

"You don't need to..."

"No, I insist. Please," she softly pleaded. "I want to feel useful."

Natsumi sighed and patted her on a shoulder. "Fine. Just don't strain yourself too much. I'll go wake Kotaro-kun up."

"N-Natsumi..."

"Yes?"

Nodoka blushed like a schoolgirl again. "So... forgive me for asking this, b-but..."

Her voice failed her, and her sentence went unfinished.

"Yes?" Natsumi gently urged again.

"Nothing. Forget it."

"It's okay! Nothing you can ask me will offend me, really!"

"No, I'm sure it will."

"Try me."

Nodoka looked at her between the bangs now blocking her face again. "I've... I've noticed you only... have one bed here..."

The actress blushed. "Oh. Oh, you want to know... if I sleep with Kotaro-kun?"

"It's nothing of my business!" Nodoka quickly said. "I was a fool! Please forgive me!"

Natsumi sighed. "No, it's... a valid question. Yes, we are. Ever since Chizu-nee moved away. Um, well, times have changed. That's what I keep telling my parents. They still are kind of angry about it. And they keep asking when will we marry, but I know they'd change their mind if they learned... what Kotaro-kun really is..."

Nodoka vaguely nodded to signal she was following her speech.

"I know we'll have to tell them before they have to ask why their first grandson has a tail," Murakami attempted to joke, "But I can't think of any good moment to tell them. To be honest, I don't even know what hospital could accept such a birth without making too many questions. I might have to ask Negi-sensei and Takamichi-sensei..."

"Oh! Do you mean you're—?-!" Nodoka gulped.

"What? Oh, no! Not yet! I'm on birth control. We aren't ready for something like that yet. Still, I want to, some day..." she dreamily mused.

Nodoka smiled again. "I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother."

"Thank you." She marched for the door. "Take the time you need. I'll shake Kotaro-kun out of Dreamland, then will have breakfast ready. It won't take long."

As Natsumi walked out of sight, Nodoka buttoned her lent shirt up, sniffing the warm scent emanating out of it.

Hm. So the smell of dog was indeed hard to wash off, after all. Live and learn.

Satsuki sighed as she looked at most of the girls in her class who were trying their level best to get drunk at her place of business. Technically, she shouldn't be allowing this, but given how many OTHER people were doing the same, other teachers among them, it wasn't like anyone would notice. She discreetly took a sip of the cooking sherry.

"I can't believe he's really gone..." Ayaka sobbed, trying and somehow succeeding to get drunk on ginger ale.

"After all we've been through..." Makie cried, binging on meat buns, and screw her figure.

"Negi-sensei!" Nodoka wailed, while Yue did her best to comfort her even as she cried herself, easily setting up a comfort-sex situation...

"They said his training here was over, and that he needed to see what the real, non-magical school system was like," Shizuna said dismally, before throwing back a shot. "If we'd known..."

"We'd have tried to kill the bastards in charge of the arrangement," Kuzunoha Tōko (you know, that swordswoman teacher of Setsuna's from that time they got sent to the future?) growled, nursing her bottle of vodka.

Chachamaru was unfortunately completely unable to get drank, and thus was the most sober person in the area. Thus, she was the only one who noticed. "Where's Asuna?"

Elsewhere, Asuna stood in front of a ticket booth, a determined expression on her face and her bags packed. "One ticket to Uminari City please," she said determinedly.

And in some city somewhere, a bunch of fourth graders in white uniforms blinked as they stared at the boy in the green striped suit only a little bit older than them enter the room, accompanied by their old homeroom teacher.

"Class," she said, gesturing at him. "I'd like you to meet your new homeroom and English teacher for this year, Negi Springfield-san."

He bowed. "A pleasure to meet you all."

"I realize he's young," she continued, and the words 'understatement' seemed to echo in everyone's minds, those who knew what it mean, "But please treat him as respectfully as you would any other teacher..."

Is this usual for your world, Nanoha-chan? Fate asked telepathically as their new teacher took roll.

No, definitely not, Nanoha sent back. Still, he seems like a nice enough person. And it should be interesting to have a teacher our own age.

Yuuno-kun will be depressed to hear you don't consider him a teacher, Hayate teased.

You know what I mean, Nanoha said. He's pretty gentle-looking. If no one had told me, I'd have thought he was a girl...

In some other universe, Magus Erebus of the United Magical Girl Association and Green Lantern-chan of Space Sector 2814 both sneezed, and had no idea why...