All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

"You're an idiot, Berserker!" Illyasviel pouted as she finished stripping down. The rain tapped furiously on the large windows of her pool bath, Sayoko dutifully waiting by the water with a bucket of bathing implements in a hand and a folded white towel in the other. Illya walked past her as she continued berating the giant who had stayed by the doorstep, quiet and silent. "You could have killed them all before leaving! Argh, that's the problem with summoning a Berserker, all muscles and no brains! I should've sumoned you as an Archer instead!"

"Well," Sayoko stoically said, "lamenting that now won't solve anything. You always will have more chances later. Besides, are you sure you really wanted your blood brother dead? I thought—"

"On second thought," Illya bitterly commented, "servants who do think are just as annoying as those who don't. Look, Sayoko, that boy disappointed me, okay? Hanging around all those dumb, ugly girls, like a two-bit Casanova... Honestly! I should've suspected that much after meeting his girlfriend at London!"

"I'm more worried," the unflappable maid said as Illya entered the warm water in the nude, "you told them of Berserker's identity. Should they find a way to exploit his weaknesses..."

"Which weaknesses?!" the annoyed albino growled, resting in the water, letting her long silver hair float around her. "Even if they had years, they still couldn't find a way to damage Berseker. That's not the problem."

"Then what is it?" Sayoko asked.

Illya frowned, staring up at the chamber's ceiling. "What is that to you, Sayoko? Know your place."

"My place is with Master Einzbern," Sayoko formally declared, "and without her, I wouldn't know what to do, or where to go. That is why this is, indeed, my problem, Master Einzbern."

The frown only grew. "You might," she decided, "be even dumber than Berserker."

Sayoko said nothing, but her expression remained just as grimly serious.

Illya sighed, closing her eyes. "I won't die, of course. But, in the event I did, I'd like you to keep on living, Sayoko. Go to the Britannian House, tell them I sent you. I'm sure Lelouch and Nunnally will be glad to take you in, just like with Sella and Leysritt."

Sayoko lowered her head.

"Whatever you do, however," Illya cautioned, "never go back to Grandfather. He'd punish you as if my failure— if I ever could have one— were yours."

"I don't feel comfortable discussing impossibilities of this caliber, Master," Sayoko uncomfortably confessed.

"Good. Neither do I."

Sayoko kept on looking at the little girl who was like the only family she had, and despite her cold, unchanging exterior, she could feel a deep, lasting pain burning inside of her.

It kept on raining on the castle in the woods.

"I see," said Saber-san, long after Negi's explanation (complete with helpful diagrams he had quickly sketched out during his narration. He was no Haruna, but Shirou could see his experience as a teacher had paid off. The boy was a master with a sketchboard— now, if only Shirou could remember where he had been keeping that sketchbaord in the first place) had begun, and even longer after they all had gathered around the Emiyas' rather wide dinner table. For such a loner, Kiritsugu had always been well prepared for large visits, in more than one sense.

"You see," Chisame weakly echoed, pushing her thick glasses back up her nose. She couldn't believe the cold blood this woman had taken the news with, even if she was supposed to be some sort of hardened ancient warrior.

"YOU SEE!" Rin heatedly agreed, her eyes spiralling feverishly, her hands slamming on the table's surface. Near her, a vaguely Jim Cummings-esque voice could be faintly heard ranting to itself in dismayed confusion, although only Itoshiki seemed to be noticing it, frowning in puzzlement as if trying to remember something.

"Indeed, and given several of the events around the conclusion of the latest Grail War, it wouldn't surprise me if what you are saying is actually true," Saber stoically said.

"Eh?" Shirou blinked, breaking from his thoughts on the subject of sketchboards. "Saber, you took part in the War ten years ago?"

She nodded.

"Wow!" Shirou said. "And who was your Master then?"

Saber stared coldly at him. "Shirou, in whose's tool shed did you happen to summon me, without a catalyst in your hands, and without any conscious effort to do so? I believe that should give you a clue."

Shirou's jaw went slack. "You worked with my father?!"

"Oh my God," Chisame ominously said. "We have another one now."

"Hey," Negi pouted.

Yuuna scowled. "That better not mean what I think it meant, Chisame."

Haruna chuckled and whispered to Rito, "Well, at least he actually figured it out. I was so sure he wouldn't!"

Rito politely nodded, since there were cases that Honor Amongst Males simply couldn't provide cover for.

"We might talk about that some other day," Saber told Shirou, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. "Aren't you the slightest concerned, instead, about the matter of the Holy Grail itself being corrupted?"

"Um, actually, no," Shirou replied. "After all, I couldn't stop thinking about what Father Kotomine told me, about how I'd want to use the wish from the Grail for my own goals, and it had me worried, if I or anyone else could be trusted with that sort of power." Then he smiled. "But this really takes that concern off my mind! Now, if the Grail's evil, we have no reason to worry about that! After all, no one should wish on it, so all there's left to do is destroying it!"

"..." Saber, Rin, Sailor Mars, Keiichi, Negi, Ayaka, Misa, Madoka, Misora, Satomi and Chisame said.

Tsunetsuki Matoi, on the other hand, simply nodded sagely and said, "Well thought, Emiya-kun. No wonder I fell in DEEP LOVE with you that summer, after watching you almost jumping that bar..."

"Gahhhhh, it's you!" Shirou abruptly pulled back from the table, panicking in recognition of a sight from several years ago. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always," Matoi nodded.

"Hadn't you noticed?" Saber asked her Master. "Well, it matters not. If this truly is no misdirection or trickery, then I shall obliterate the Grail itself with my Noble Phantasm. Should that fail, I cannot think of other force in the world up to the task."

"Awfully sure of yourself, aren'tcha, Cutie?" Haruna observed.

"Haruna-san..." Negi said.

"What's a Noble Phantasm anyway?" Madoka asked.

"Oh, that's right, you weren't there during Kuro-chan's lectures and we haven't had the time to fill you in yet," Makie said. "Well, to be honest I was asleep through most of that explanation myself, and I could used a refresher too. I remember those really cute Chibis, the whole thing about that cursed cup wanting to destroy the world, and about Saber-san here being really skilled at fellatio, but I don't remember anything about Noble Phantoms or Phantasms! Eh heh heh, sorry, it was too much info and I wasn't taking notes!"

Saber broke into a sudden, violent fit of choking while Shirou and the rest of the girls blushed deeply.

"... I still don't know what fellatio is," Negi mumbled.

Makie shrugged. "If it makes you feel any better, Negi-kun, I don't either. Maybe that's why it stuck with me, because it sounds so funny, but... maybe we should look it up on the Internet?"

"NO!!" Ayaka, Keiichi, Rito, Rin, the disembodied voice next to Rin, Sailor Mercury, Ako, Madoka and Chisame yelled at once.

Shirou, in the meanwhile, had slowly edged away from the also slowly crumbling, humbled Saber, but he stopped himself with a start and a yelp when he saw he was moving steadily towards Matoi.

"It's okay, Emiya-kun, I got over my DEEP LOVE for you long ago," Matoi assured him. "Now and forevermore, I shall only love Chisame-sama... well, and a bit of Negi-sama on the side, too," she conceded.

Chisame blinked, then clutched onto Emiya's sleeve. "Sempai. Tell me how you did it. Please!"

"He was oblivious to my needs, overreacted to my displays of affection, treated me as an embarrassment in public, and never understood me," Matoi explained for him. Then she cooed while hugging Chisame. "Nothing like you at all, Chisame-sama!"

"Why me?!" Chisame screamed while Satomi puffed her cheeks up.

Saber, a bit more recovered now, stared at Shirou. "Truly you were a deplorable romantic partner, Shirou. Shame on you."

"She was never my girlfriend!" Shirou said.

"You tell him, Saber-sama!" Matoi said while Chisame tried to peel her off herself. "Never give him fellatio, even if he begs you for it!"

"I have no idea what are you talking about!" the Lion of Camelot roared at her.

"Okay, before this goes any further," Rin said, in no small part to give the poor Saber a break, "there are several things I'd like to ask you."

Negi nodded. "Please ask as much as you want to."

"Okay," Rin sighed, folding her arms on the table. "are you really sure that girl, that 'Kuro' you speak of, actually came from another dimension? Because bringing someone from across the borders between dimensions, while theoretically possible, is only reserved to practicioners of True Magic, who are all but extinct now. Master Zelretch from the Clock Tower might be able to do it, but..."

"True Magic?" Makie blinked.

"What us Magi and you guys use," Rin nodded, twirling a pointer finger in Ala Alba's general direction, "is Magecraft."

"No, wait, how is that not True Magic?" Makie protested. "I have seen Negi-kun throwing arrows of light, putting people to sleep with spells, stripping people with sneezes and finding a book that made *me* smart, and you're saying that's not True Magic?!"

"Technically, it was Chachamaru-san who found the book," Negi said.

"That's all real magic, of course, but it's not True Magic!" Rin argued.

"What are you saying, that makes no sense!" Makie kept on shouting, "Real Magic only can be True, because if it's True it has to be Real and—!"

"Aaaaarrrgh, never mind!" Rin shook her hands up. "I'm not taking the time to educate a neophyte for free when even her own Magister hasn't bothered to!"

Makie pouted. "See, Kuro-chan would have done it!"

Rin sighed, deflating, then chose to keep on addressing Negi instead. "So anyway, about that question..."

Negi nodded. "She and our counterparts indeed did come from a parallel world, Tohsaka-san. And yes, True Magic was indeed involved."

"Of course it would," Makie mumbled, "if it's real magic, then it has to be True, because—"

"Okay, let's go with that," Rin interrupted. "Even so, if you really have been sitting on that information this whole time, why haven't you shared it with our higher-ups, or at least the Church? And I mean more than nun apprentices, no offense intended."

"None taken," an obviously offended Misora said.

"We didn't have any solid evidence, what could we do?" Negi asked. "Even so, we did tell the Elders of the Kanto and Kansai Associations. I'm sure they sent the requisite warnings to the rest of the Associations."

Rin hummed. "I never heard anything about that, not even from Kotomine. Well, they still think of me as a child, after all." Pause. "Again, no offense intended."

"None taken," Negi sincerely said.

"Still, it's problematic," Rin pondered, "Kotomine may be... well, not a pleasant person, but he still takes great care to do his job well. For him to forfeit warning Masters of the possibility the Great Grail might be tainted, that's strange from someone as fastidious as him."

"Maybe he didn't really think it could happen?" Shirou shrugged. "If there wasn't any actual proof after all..."

"I suppose you're right," Rin uneasily conceded. "Well, I don't really care if I have to destroy the Grail. I didn't have any wishes to ask from it anyway."

"Oh, come on," Misa said.

"No, no, I mean it!" Rin replied. "It's not like I don't have any dreams or aspirations, but I want to chase after them on my own, not just getting them as freebies from any magical source. I can't even say I'd use it to bring my parents back to life, since it has been said the Grail cannot be used to revive the dead."

"Oh," Misora softly said. "You're an orphan then? Sorry to hear that."

Rin half-smiled. "Thank you. My sister and I have carried on rather well ever since, in any case. As long as I have her and my career, I don't see the need to ask for anything from the Grail."

"Then why did you enter the War in the first place, Tohsaka?" Shirou curiously questioned.

"Eh?" Chisame said. "She's a Master as well?"

"Ahem," Rin rasped, blushing a bit, "yes, I am, but—"

"I can't believe it!" Misa said. "Then why didn't you call on your Servant to help us against that freaky bull-elephant-dinosaur man!? Were you waiting to see how many of us would he flatten before achieving the status of an emergency?!"

"Bull-elephant-dinosaur man?" asked Sakurako and Madoka, blinking.

"My Servant..." Rin slowly said, keeping her gaze low, "Well, I'm sure you'd understand if you saw my Servant..."

"Hey," the disembodied voice grunted.

Yuuna huffed, tapping her fingers on the table. "Then let's see that fabled Servant already."

Rin clenched her treeth and ground them together. "I don't have to show him off if I don't want to..."

"Tohsaka," Saber spoke then, stern and firmly. "As a Servant myself, I find your current behavior deplorable."

Rin blinked at her. "What?!"

"No Master should ever be ashamed of their Servant," Saber told her, turning on the pressure. "For a Servant fights for their Master's life and happiness, and unless the Servant betrays that sacred bond, which Vigilante has not done yet, it's the Master's duty to repay in kind by not reneging from their connection. I can understand keeping your identity as a Master a secret, as well as your Servant's real identity, but once you have been revealed, out of all the reasons to keep your Servant hidden, shame is the most cowardly and dishonorful."

She slammed a gauntlet on her breastplate and added, "I cannot, in a good conscience, share my table with someone who would feel embarrassment over a faithful comrade in arms. Decide, then, if you will keep yourself set in your ways so I can leave, or reconsider your stance so I remain."

An aghast Rin simply stared in silence at the scowling young woman who had lectured her so harshly while Lala blinked and said, "But, this isn't *your* table anyway...?"

Rin ended up sighing, admitting defeat. "Okay. You're right, Saber, I'm sorry. Vigilante," she clapped once. "Show yourself, please."