Critique wanted on script

I've recently started a project with a friend - a fantasy comic. I'm going to write it, and she's going to draw the pages. I've decided that the easiest way to do this is for me to write it as a rough script.

Anyway, I have the first scene written, but I've been having some problems with the pacing - mainly, it starts too suddenly. I've tried to fix that, but now it may come across as a bit info-dump-y. So I'd appreciate it if people could read the scene and tell me if it still needs work.

Anyway, here it is - all comments are greatly appreciated.

I’ll start off by saying that this looks like an interesting premise, but it’s not perfect (Is anything ever perfect?)

One of the things that I notice is that the descriptions are rather ‘colourful’ for being in a comic script. Example:

Some way down the walkway, there is a disturbance, tables knocked over. More people scream. A figure is visible: the huntress, her body in a low crouch over several sprawled bodies, poised to spring, her face in a manic grin. Blood drips from the blades on her hand.

This would have been acceptable in a novel (not really. It would need some revisions before that, but that’s beside the point) but what you’re writing is a script for another person. Instead of being creative you should be concise. The reader is going to be reading the comic, not the script. And another thing:

Behind Flick, the Huntress vaults onto a table, then leaps down to catch up to a fleeing person.

If I were the artist I would be at a loss for what’s actually supposed to happen here. You might want to tighten it up. After reading the sentence a few times I can think of two things that bothers me: A) to vault means to jump over something. That means you can’t vault onto something. Minor detail, but it brought me out of the text. B) The table I’m sitting on right now just barely reaches above my kneecaps (it’s a low table admittedly). That means it would probably not give any advantages when leaping forward, but instead be a liability, as it might not be a stable platform.

Another thing I notice is frequent misuse of commas and ellipsis (though the latter is less frequent). At one point you use an ellipsis when a comma would be perfect and several commas should probably be cut. Read Eats, Shoots and Leaves for a good explanation of punctuation usage in general.

A fairly minor problem is redundancies:

Along the beach is a string of beachside cafes.

If the cafes are along the beach then they are, by definition, beachside cafes.

You said you had problems with the pacing, and that it start too sudden. I disagree. I’m not sure how long the opening narration would take once it’s in comic format, but In Medias Res is a long standing tradition in all media and you should use it.

Personally I found the end of the script to be quite interesting. Just note that while three is often a special number in storytelling, so is seven (because she asked for a week’s head start).

And if this seems rather nitpicky it’s just because I never feel like I get proper critiques on my own works when I need them. Rest assured, I found the basic concept to be interesting and it can be good with some work.

edited 15th Nov '10 9:43:22 AM by Sidewinder

Hurrah, a critique! Don't worry about being nitpicky, I usually have trouble getting people to be nitpicky enough.

You're probably right about the descriptions/directions being too colourful for a script. I normally write my own stories in prose, and this is the first 'script' I've ever really written (high school drama assignments don't count). So I probably am allowing stuff that shouldn't be there to peek through. And I promised myself that I wouldn't be overbearing and I'd allow the artist a fair bit of freedom with regards to the actual art, so I'll cut down on the descriptions.

As for the vaulting - I suppose I was going for something that looked/sounded cool, as opposed to what made tactical sense. I'll fix the wording up.

Redundancies - quite right, not sure why I let that slip through.

With regards to punctuation, I'm rather disappointed in myself, because I had always thought grammar was something I had down. I'll tighten it up.

I'm glad the pacing seems to be OK - for a while I had little opening narration at all, and that was too short. Then I had background on her parents, and that was too much. So I'm happy to have found a happy medium.

Thank you very much for your comments, they're very useful

edited 15th Nov '10 3:03:59 PM by LoniJay

I totally wanted to give you a critique, but I couldn't, because I have no idea how scripts are set up, what should/shouldn't be in them, etc.

Sorry

@Cygan - I don't really know that much about scripts myself - I'm only writing it like this because it seems to be the best way to get my meaning across.

You could always just let me know what you think of the dialogue towards the end. I have a niggling fear that in trying to make the Huntress menacing I've made her look silly.

If you don't want to say anything, that's cool too. I appreciate the thought

Dark Horse actually has a sample script you can read.

Do you have a link?

Seriously, though, if it's not technically correct as a script I don't really care. All it has to do is communicate my ideas to my friend.

edited 15th Nov '10 3:47:31 PM by LoniJay

here.

Dark Horse? Coooool.

The dilogue at the end looks a little... non-menacing. At risk of beig pulled into Narm territory if it's not pulled off correctly.

The huntress snarls in frustration and resumes circling.

Huntress: I can always find other ways to make it fun, girlie. If you're still here by the time I count to 20, I am going make your death last for days.

Cut to Flick lookig scared, as dialogue flows overhead.

Huntress: Run, girlie, and I'll make your death quick.

Flick: Or... (Possible page break) You could let me go?

Huntress: Let you go? (laughs) Girlie, why would I let you go free, (Possible new panel, to maximise effect of words) when it's so much fun to hunt you down?

Flick: You like the chase, correct? You like the way your prey flees from you. Well, if you chase me down now, you'll catch me in seconds and then the chase will be over. (she closes her eyes and steels herself) So. You let me go... and give me a week's head start.

.

Sound good? I think it makes her sound scarier, but I'm biased, since I rewrote parts of it...

Hmm, that script guide is interesting. I hadn't realised there was a particular format for comic scripts (but I should have, I suppose).

But I think I'll stick with the format I have. I wanted to let the artist have some say in regard to how many panels there should be, and what exactly goes in each.

OK, I've tried to fix up the scene, cut out some of the description.

No offense, but I think I like my version of the dialogue better, Cygan. Just different styles, I guess. By the way, is there a particular reason you prefer 'girlie' to 'little one' as a condescending address?

edited 15th Nov '10 4:18:31 PM by LoniJay

No offense taken. My dialogue even looks awkward, now that I look over it again.

A lot of the things I write need editing after I write them down