Temascos pimps his wizard hat and reads "Imma Wiserd"!

Question before we begin: Who the hell are you?

Hello all! I'm Temascos (Or whatever my slight variation username is, I forgot the password to my original account, doh.). I'm someone who has been browsing Tvtropes and the Live Blogs fora for a while and have finally decided to get involved!

And so, what a better way to start than...Ummm...this thing !

Question before we begin numero dos: What's Imma Wiserd?

Not content with the Harry Potter fanbase and J.K Rowling suffering enough from My Immortal, a amazing writerchump by the username ""Raveneagel"" wrote this mix of My Immortal and Gangland type stuff, but after a fair portion of the story it soon becomes a religious fable.

Sure enough, it's so bizarre that even if its a trollfic, you may get a laugh or two out of this travesty. So, as we begin I will put the original fanfic up in BOLD WRITING and my thoughts in standard font, for sake of reader ease.

Anyway, let's begin with Chapter 1: da beginning

AN: afta redin da hairy potty books

Oh good, someone's researched the source material!

(not rly i saw the mooviez lolololol)

Oh bollocks.

i desided 2 make mi own hary potty storee.

A hairy toilet? ...Oh, nevermind. I guess the toilet story will have to wait until I buy/steal Decision Points.

note 2 da reedars: neva beliv any1 hu sayz a blak man dont like fired chickin

According to this, Black people are so utterly badass that they don't just have cooked chicken, they want it on FIRE AND IN THEIR MOUTHS AT THE SAME TIME! Either that or the author is stereotypical, but I don't believe that! The writer is SURELY rational!

I wuz sittin out on da porch an mi mama leend out da windo an sayed "watchu doin soulja spirit buu jackson?".

This is our introduction to our main protagonist of the story, and he has some weird "cosmic spirit" type name. Yep.

"nuttin much" i said "we gut no food". "o turtle don cri"

Okay, we've just been given the character's name and its already changed!? This is Soulja's nickname; Turtle, which seems to imply that he's slow moving and if you flip him on his back he cannot get back up. Seems about right.

"na mama i aint mad" i says. den i loked at da gund n said "i wish i had sum fried chinkin" den... dere wuz fried chikin on da grion!11111111111111

HOLY SHIT WHAT

"yo buu wuz dat i smel" mi mama said. I lookd arund all snecky like and den i whispad "fried chikin" an it went away. i wuz scared but nut in a afrayed way.

How does that work out? How would that sound? : "Ohhhh OHHH Hoohhhhhh?"

den i whispad again "fried chicken" and it appered agan!111 so den i desided 2 tri sumden out.

Have you no decency Soulja/Turtle/Pingbongball? What would your mother say to that kind of experimentation?

"wattamelon" an dere it iz a big ol slice o watrmellon at mah fet.

You have got to be kidding me.

mah mam lend out da door agan "boi now i no i smel sumden". so den i leaned ova and wispad "fired chikin... wattamelon" an dey boat went away. i gut up an says 2 mi mama "lock mama!11 i aint gut nottin!11"

"I wasn't conjuring up racially stereotyped food mother! I swear!" " Are you sure?" " Noo...."

"but im so hundreh" sayed ma mama. den i felt sad.

Compassion: My name is Hunger.

so i pointed mah finger at da grund an sayed "fried chikin" den a big ol bunmch of fired chikim appeerd. mi mama jumpt an scrammd. she ran in da house an slamed da door. "dun cum bak or ill shot ya!" she sayd. so i left.

Wow...That was a sudden turn of events!

so whadda think? IF U FLAM UR RASSIST.

Well Raveneagel, not meaning to be RASSIST (Is that rap lingo for critical?) but I have no idea what was going on! How does Soulja/Turtle/Skelzor get the power to summon food? Is it through emotional distress? And why is his Mama so scared of the power to conjure food? Does it resemble a demonic summoning?

Most importantly, WHY IS HIS NAME TURTLE?!

Well guys and girls, that's the end of the first chapter. Imma Wiserd is here I hope you have enjoyed reading this, and I'll catch ya all later!

Adios!

edited 21st Nov '10 1:04:00 PM by Temascos1

I will be reading this. However, I'm not sure this is Harry Potter. They don't connect at all so far except for magic!

...

My annoyingly persistent faith in humanity prevents me from thinking this is anything but a troll. Seriously, this is head-tiltingly bad, I... yeah. The sad part? I've still read worse D:

Laughably blatant ethnic stereotypes straight off the bat = obvious troll is obvious.

edited 23rd Nov '10 9:15:57 AM by Counterclock

Well guys/girls, I'm back and now its time for Chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Hogwarts

See! There IS some Harry Potter related stuff!

AN: im jus ritin dis now becuz i gut a butload o insparashun

As you do. When ideas come out of my ass I know they're shit, that's why I don't use them.

Take note readers, the following sentence will make your head explode.

den i went 2 hagwats. dena nigga came out a no were an says "hey im harry potter".

Yes, Soulja just "goes" to Hogwarts, and single-handedly destroys Harry Potter canon. Horray!

i turned an said "u aint harry potter!11 i saw him in da movis!"

In this timeline, the movies exist. So therefore, if my highly limited HP knowledge serves me correctly, THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!

"i no but fo da audeance dey got a wite boi 2 play mi" "wat i said. "u herd mi" "dem rassist ppl!"

If it was up to the author, Ice Cube would play Harry Potter instead of Daniel Radcliffe, not sure which would be funnier to be honest.

i entred da big ol place were everabodi eatz an dey put da wiserd hat on mi hed and it says "yo in ravenclaw"

Sup bitchez? We heard you wanna go wizard so we put a dog in yo dog while eat yo dog...or something.

"hey daz were i stay" sed harry potter.

OF COURSE! Always trust a Gary Stu to hang out with the cool kids!

den we both went to da room togedder. wen we were dere we saw the dumbldoor. an he turnt 2 mi an sez "welcum 2 skool distrect 7 (wateva dat meens). im ur dumbledoor." hairy turnd t mi an seys "dis is da dumbledoor of da entire skool."

Yep, Dumbledor is now a TITLE! What the heck does it mean if its a title? No clue on my part!

"hi mistr duumbledoor" "yo can call mi alvin". "ok alvin" "goodbi" he sed an raned out on hiz broomstik.

What an engaging conversation, I was on the edge of my seat. It was a white-knuckle ride with never-ending thrills and fun for the whole family, except for the logical part that it does end and your family's dead.

"im sleepi" sed hairy potter "butt its not even 12 o clock yet" i sed

Cool people stay up AFTER midnight! Are you an UNCOOL person Harry? ARE YOU!?

"i no but tomorow we hav skool an ill sho u all de pretti girlz an how to play bromstiks"

"Now here is an attractive girl to your right, and damn! Doing all this is really taking the wind out of me, I'm exhausted."

"Have you ever tried talking to a girl?"

"WHAT? You crazy fool! You'll die if you talk to girls!...I think. Anyway I'm tired and its 10 pm, so my coolness has been subtracted"

"sho" i sed "do u lik 50 cent?" "do u lik soulja boi?" sed harry. we were best frends.

HEADDESK!

Whelp, hope that was fun for ya! It's obviously a troll but hey, doesn't mean we can't have fun, well technically you can NOT have fun but lets just roll with it.

See ya next time!

edited 22nd Nov '10 7:23:40 AM by Temascos1

So if 2 people have 2 of the same favorite bands they are immediately friends? Does this mean deaf people will always be lonely?

Bit of a Philosoraptor moment there

Seriously, though, the implications around the Harry Potter movies existing in the Imma Wizerdverse is just mindmelting. For example, where is Harry on the timeline vis-a-vis the movies? I mean, if we accept the "every possibility imaginable outcome, and thus every possible universe exists in separate dimensions"-thought, then I guess it's possible we're dealing with a world where the HP Movies were made and a black boy named harry potter went to a wizarding academy at least tangentially comparable to Hogwarts and... uh, my brain hurts.

I love how the author of all houses puts his Marty Stu I'n Ravenclaw at least I'n My Immortal I definitely saw Ebony belonging in Slytherin.

Due to not having much to do, I'm gonna do Chapter 3! I hope all your minds are sufficiently melted, it's great hearing different opinions on this trainwreak chop-suey.

Chapter 3: my new skool

Obviously English Grammer is quite low in the teacher's priorities.

AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it!

I...What, no! Can you imagine this as a best-seller?! I'm just picture book-signings becoming sites for drive-by shootings and excessive bling. Although the thought of Stephanie Meyer in a pimp-hat would be too funny to ignore.

da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin where all da chillin were chillin :)

Okay, so calling children children is no longer cool, much like going to bed before midnight, so now they're chilling. That's gotta get seriously confusing, and I don't know how he missed the opportunity for an ice pun, otherwise he'd be a "cool" guy.

i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!"

Please don't tell me Turtle becomes the Rosa Parks of Hogwarts, just...NO. Bad author! Bad! No biscuit!

"y" i sed "u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!"

He's totally going for it...I seriously cannot believe we're 3 chapters in and the Civil Rights Movement is going to be re-enacted by this clown!

den hairy came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl. ur a ravencaw! u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. daz rassist."

Wait a second, if he seems to dislike white people, why is he sitting next to them in the first place? Isn't usually the case to sit next to people you know? And I like how Slyetherin (Typo I know, not too familiar with Potterverse) people are just called SNAKE PEOPLE, making them seem more sinister somehow.

"ok" i sed "des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman.

Well he DID say he was going to introduce Soulja to the pretty girls! I guess he's a man of his word, I doubted you Harry, but you pulled through! Bravo! (Claps)

she fell in love wit me. it wuz so grat. we had brekfast togedder.

As we all know, true love can only be found in cereal and toast. If you haven't had sex with anyone after having breakfast with them, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YA?!

den we went 2 skool.

Errmmm...you ARE in school. Just thought you'd want to know that.

furst we had magik class. the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed.

Subsequently the teacher beat Soulja to death for being so utterly stupid for thinking his food conjuring magic was that impressive.

I wish.

sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all.

Say it with me everyone...OM NOM NOM. Internet memes are awesome, aren't they?

"i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas." "wut" i sed.

First the table incident and now this!? Hogwarts has no decency! None I say!

"dun worri, im nut rassist" she sad. "sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik."

Wait, a SENSIBLE ANSWER? I must be dreaming.

"well ok" i sed she gave us lots o homwork.

Thank goodness she didn't give them any HOME-work!

we had mor classes.

But none of them were that interesting!

den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. "wats dis 4?" i sed. "4 bromstiks fool! harry sed."

"A gun? What's this for?" "For guns fool!" "A banana? What's this for? For bananas fool!" "A dildo? What's thi-" You get the idea.

"dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman.

Soulja! Remember the soup we had! I will never forget the way you ate food with your mouth!

"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski. but u hav 2 dog dis cuz it will try an hit u" he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed" "sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" and the big blak ball flu into da sky.

What is worrying is that Soulja is not surprised by any of this, there's no "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" reaction, nope. It's just "Sure, okay", I think someone who previously lived in the Ghetto might be a bit more amazed to see a FLYING BALL WITH WINGS.

den he tok da biggist ball of dem all.

No....NO! NO!

it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" sed harry potter.

Soulja caught Harry's big black ball...Eeerrrgghhhh.

so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt.

Great, now I'm picturing not so pleasent images.

"my balls hert!" i sed. "sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did.

And now we've come across one of the most common phrases of this story, "And I did." It's as daft as it sounds, he did what exactly? I know its just a sitting position but the fact I'm complaining about this in the midst of the stupid that is imma wiserd should be a warning.

meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets. dey wa cherin. den i saw da flin bal. i didnt wan t harry to see it so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil"

Death Note's tennis match is seeming more sensible isn't it! What must their reaction be? "Holy crap, Harry's introducing someone to our sport! It's a momentus occassion!"

"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!" "ok" i sed lik i didn se it. "wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!"

Sure, pretending you don't know what you're doing is a good tactic, but saying "I'm going over here" doesn't quite work. Football matches would be full of people pretending the ball doesn't exist if that was the case.

i went up but wen i wuz abutt to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. He poented his wond at me "die".

To be fair, Soulja is so annoying he should have seen this coming. I mean, he GOES to Hogwarts, he SITS at the wrong table and is sent to MAGIC class, those are grounds for death! Someone making an honest and simple mistake whilst going to magic class in a magic school deserves to suffer the wrath of...Whoever this guy is.

i den fel off mah bromstik. "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed.

When screaming, make sure to shout numbers whilst doing so. It helps your throat.

"TURTLE!11111" sed herman.

Case in point.

da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin.

When hearing the school grounds that day, a new Millenium puzzle was created.

it hit da grund. then i died.

Wait, what?

...

He's dead?

YES! OH THANK CHRIST THIS IS OVER WI-

There's another chapter.

Bollocks.

edited 22nd Nov '10 12:00:13 PM by Temascos1

RANDOM THOUGHTS!

• Catching a ball must be some sort of rite of passage.
• I think it's a literature law that you cannot say "I died" in a first person story, unless it's the very end of the character's story. It's quite obvious that Turtle's gonna be resurrected. Probably by someone pointing at him and saying "Live."