Second opinions on a scenario: Two guys are trapped in a room, only one can escape

My story focuses on assassins working within an assassin syndicate (which also conducts "interactive murders" like the Red Room). The deuteragonist, Joey, used to be a CSI forensics agent that worked on a homicide case with a fellow agent, Michael in the past. When they found a lead that suggests the murder was an assassination, they investigate a specific location where they were knocked out and kidnapped.

Awoken in separate rooms in an unknown location, they're explained the rules of a game they'd participate in after waking up a second time. Simply enough, they will be inside a pitch-black room. When the door opens they must run for it, but only one can escape (they aren't told that they would be pitted against each other).

Joey wakes up first, then Michael. After a minute when they're both awake, the door opens and light pours in. Michael, being the faster one, gets a head start on him. Joey however, had a vase (or some other object) in hand and bashed him over the head with it, making him fall over. Sprinting past him, Joey escapes as the door closes and on the outside it's revealed to be a large elevator in an underground floor. The elevator slowly rises to the top where the cables get cut, then comes crashing down. After this, Joey is given a choice to either die or join the syndicate.

My question is how Joey reacts when waking first in the dark room. While it doesn't affect the outcome of who lives and dies, his actions in the beginning affect how he reflects back on the event.

These are the two scenarios I've boiled down to:

• The first scenario is that Joey wakes up before Michael and hears him wake up, recognizing his voice. Michael calls out to see if anyone is in the room but Joey doesn't make a noise and he's falsely led to believe that he's alone. Capitalizing on this, Joey takes measures to be silent and becomes his unknown assailant when he tries to run out the elevator. This scenario plays more on Joey's cruelty and could leave him more guilt-ridden since in the end he was in control of how it would play out between the two of them.
• The second scenario is that Joey calls out for Michael in the dark and they discuss in the room about how they'll get out of it together and all that nice stuff. But when the door does open, Michael gets a head start on him, in other words, betraying Joey. His actions are thus more reactive and while it's more justification on Joey's part, it could be a big confidence breaker that he couldn't even trust his friend and colleague.

Which one do you guys like better? Or is there an even more interesting third option?

I also like hearing opinions in general since I don't want to get stuck inside my own head. Is the premise believable enough? Is it interesting/original? Should the entire scene be revised? Thank you for your comments.

edited 18th Mar '17 5:08:59 PM by SkullySnot

You could make it more complex, almost like the bathroom scenario in Saw. Try giving the characters a different agenda, like Michael has to kill Joey but Joey doesn't know it. Also maybe have Joey the only person that knows that the door will open. Hope that helps.

It all depends on the plans you have for Joey. Does he end up willingly joining the assassins, or does he end up trying to fight them (I presume he doesn't choose to die- story ends rather quickly that way!). What Joey does in the dark room should clearly foreshadow what type of person he is and will become.

...Why did the Assassin Syndicate would like Joey to join them? Wouldn't it be a threat since Joey is a member of the justice side? I think there are some measures to prevent this from happening.

If you are talking about the chamber escaping, I think it has the potential to expand a little bit — not just limited to one single room. Have you heard of the urban legend No End House? I think there can be more challenges in the chamber escaping to show the skills/strength that Joey and Michael have, they are CSI!

I believe that the personality of Joey and Michael will affect their reactions hence the scenario happened. But if you are going to the second option, I have some (crazy) ideas (only my wild imagination):

Joey wakes up first, so he can get to examine the room a little bit (not much, but he can search his clothes and find that his armors are removed, except the knife hidden in his shoes). The plot goes on. When Michael get a head start upon Joey, Joey questions him, and Michael, a step behind reaching the door, tells him his distrust/desire to live (blah blah blah). Feeling betrayed (I am not sure what Joey would think, you decide), Joey shoots the knife that he picks up earlier (maybe Joey thinks that the knife is only used for defending them or killing the Big Bad, but he can't imagine that he would be using it on his colleague who is friends (?) with him).

For why they are in the room, here is some crazy ideas again: The Assassin Syndicate, not wanting to reveal their identity/existence to the public, orders their subordinates to "clear up the rats" (Joey and Michael) The assassins responsible are very discontent with the order (since they are not very challenging to be killed), so they propose a gamble: Put them into a challenge (chamber escape), let them kill themselves while they will be watching aside. Most (except one of them) assassins bet Michael will win (maybe he is very famous in his work? More strength?) since Joey looks fragile and weak(but he is actually the more wise and cunning type) and they don't have any guns (but they forget to check Joey's shoes. They tell Joey and Michael that only one can escape, but in reality, even if one survives and kills the other, escaping the room, he will be killed in the end by the assassins.

However, they are surprised that Joey is the one to escape (no CCTV in the chamber). They are very disappointed that Michael fails, but they still look down on him and sends only one assassin to finish the job despite the one assassin who believes Joey would win opposes (optional). In the end, Joey wins and kills the assassin with his wits and tactics, leaving the assassins in huge astonishment. When they realized that Joey is not that fragile as he seems to be, they started to attack in a group. While Joey is almost killed by a fatal blow from the group attack, the superiors appear and stop them. The superior believes Joey has great potential and beneficial to them if he becomes an assassin. So they put Joey into a coma and bring him back to the base...

Maybe Joey can escape the base and tell the others about the existence of the Assassin Syndicate, maybe the Assassin Syndicate can brainwash Joey? Force Joey to join them or else they will kill his dear whatever? Or maybe they have released the news that Joey betrayed the CSI by being a spy from Russia so he can't go back?

But hey, it is just my imagination. I am giving some ideas that popped up in my mind after reading the story. May seem too familar and typical with too much cliches, please spare me.

I think I did a dumb and left out a bit of info at the bottom. I completely get where you're coming from, why, of course, would an assassin syndicate spare somebody, especially a CSI agent? I figured that being a CSI agent, you would have a lot of in-depth knowledge about how evidence is left behind in a murder and effectively know how to avoid leaving as much evidence as possible. While they saw potential in the captives, they wouldn't want to risk leaving them both alive as there'd be a higher chance of Joey conspiring with another person in the CSI. Being alone, there wouldn't be much help he could get without being caught. The game also served a double purpose not to only kill one of them, but to also be an initiation of sorts since it requires a level of depravity for Joey to have left Michael for dead and indirectly kill him (even if it was so he could live), a trait essential to work there.

Although an assassin syndicate seems pretty self-explanatory, I think that it would actually be more complex than a bunch of people who kill. There'd be contractors who manage relationships and settle prices with clients, researchers who gather info on targets, suppliers who acquire arms and keep them in stock, etc. The syndicate runs more like a business, trying to emulate existing ones like on the dark web, or at least how I'd imagine them in real life. Joey doesn't get to see as much action like a full-time assassin would, but he's still valuable for his knowledge in chemistry, forensics and computer science to be an assistant. The real action can be left to protag and full-fledged assassin Vivian :)

Your idea on the betting does touch upon an idea I've had for "spectated murders". Similar to the chamber escape, the spectated murders are where people are kidnapped and put to death by unusual means (though as the name implies, a crowd of people get to enjoy the scene this time). They're implemented as another source of income for the syndicate, where people pay to see someone killed, and can pay to influence the murder/torture (say $1k for releasing the rats or $2k for corrosive acid). In a S.M. with multiple subjects, there can be bets likes who dies first or last. For assassins who are ironically the grunts in the organization (as well as for other people who really screw up), breaking the organization's rules can result in the violator becoming fodder for the next execution.

Back on topic, Joey ends up working for them, albeit with his tail between his legs (made worse by the fact he's ostracized a bit by his associates due to the fact that he is a former CSI and was forced in instead of joining by his own volition). Taking some inspiration from 1984, the heads of the syndicate claim to keep all of the workers' identities anonymous but in fact secretly keep tabs and records on all of them to out them if necessary. Joey discovers this through a lot of snooping and hacking. At a later point near the climax he tries to pull an exposé and rebellion from the inside which goes horribly wrong. I feel like this was an act where he got way overconfident and felt as if he could finally get back at the ones who took his freedom away.

edited 22nd Mar '17 10:37:41 PM by SkullySnot

Well, I have read a really good fiction on the Internet before and the story also surrounds an assassin syndicate. It has a very interesting setting, so maybe it can give you more ideas (or if you want, I can give you the name of the fiction):

There are different people who are being kidnapped and bring to the assassin syndicate. The criterion for choosing those people are unknown (as in the fiction), yet there is a diverse types of them: teenage girls, professionals, adults, anyone. People who are being kidnapped will have to stay in the base forever, except when they are doing missions. They are forced to give up on their previous identity, where the people of the assassin syndicate will deem the kidnapped people "dead" to the public (which has service include holding a funeral for the kidnapped people). Now, working under the syndicate, they are not humans anymore, but they are "Ghosts".

There are different types of missions: assassination, doing dirty things, disguising as another person or even escorting a people (use your imagination) and they are classified as different classes. (S,A,B,C....With S class missions as the most dangerous ones) Completing a mission will grant you rewards, alongside with a set of Points. Points are used as an indicator about your activeness in the syndicate. People who failed to do at least XX amount of missions will be killed automatically after every X months...

And there is another class system, but for the "Ghosts", with A class as the highest and D class as the lowest. A higher class can grant you more privilege (even going back to the Earth for a vacation), but at the same time you will have to contribute more by doing more dangerous jobs.

But unlike Joey's failure, the protagonist of the fiction also triggers a revolution, but he wins by playing a big chess game around the loophole of the above system.

If you want, I can tell you more. But maybe it would affect your story?

The name would be great, definitely. The hard part for me at the moment is is creating structure for the syndicate; rules, objectives, all that. It especially would be great to implement rules that aren't just fluff but are actually a pivotal plot point in the story. I like the idea of the point system where there is a quota required to meet x amount of months. It sounds like it has the potential to create a lot of tension and conflict between competing characters.

And I'm always opened to thoughts. Right now it's all concepts and little concrete events. Only the big ideas are really set in stone.

As I have mentioned in the earlier post. the assassins are divided into different classes. For the highest class A, there is only 7 people, with the strongest one known as Adam, or his code:A001. Class A Ghosts like to do missions in a whole group, except A002 and A007. And Adam is the leader of the Class A Ghost Group. And when the Ghosts leave the base to the ground, they are required to wear an eye mask and walk through tunnels. Once when they remove the eye mask, they are already on the ground, so they don't know where exactly is the base.

(The following details are plot related):

The location of the underground base is being discovered by the enemy organization(called Vultures), who then launched an attack to eliminate the whole base and wipe out all Ghosts. Many Ghosts are unprepared and not strong enough to defend themselves. All they hope is that the A class ghosts will come back in time (since all A class Ghosts are mysteriously send to do an urgent mission) to save them. However, the protagonist realized that the Class A Ghosts decided to abandon them, so he gathered the remaining survivors and launched a surprise attack to the enemy troops, and they escape through one of the tunnels and went outside with huge casualties.

They take cover in one of the cities, but they know that the enemy organization will find them very soon. The protagonist devises a plan to tackle the problem, but then Adam and 4 other Class A Ghosts came and threatened the surviving Ghosts to listen to their command or else they will be killed since they don't need puppets that are not obeying.

It is later revealed that Adam knows that the Vultures will attack the base, and he intentionally brings the other Class A Ghosts to a mission as he believes he is they are the only ones that is still useful to him. He predicts that all the Ghosts in the base will be killed by the Vultures, and he doesn't care about their life or death. He thinks while bringing all Class A Ghosts he can rebuild a similar organzation in another location.

The protagonist doesn't like Adam's attitude, and he knows that if he chooses to obey Adam's orders, then he will continue to treat them as disposable tools. He wants to survive, so he devises another plan to end the event once and for all by using the Ghosts' special feature — to blend into human crowds perfectly.

After leaving a bait, the protagonist and the others managed to capture the leader of a small enemy troop, which they trick the leader of the Vulture into thinking that the captured leader has betrayed them already. And in the end, luring the leader of the Vultures out. They agree to meet in a coffee shop beside the main road of the city. Yet Adam once again appears, and instead of the protagonist, meets the leader of the Vultures. Adam always wants to eliminate the Vultures, while the leader of the Vultures also wants to kill Adam. However when they are about to fight, they are interrupted by the waitress, who places a coffee that is not ordered by anyone. Adam rejects the coffee, but the waitress said it is not for them, but for another person. Then both Adam and the leader finally realize something's off — the waitress is too calm, and the whole shop is too quiet. Other customers are watching them.

Finally, the protagonist steps inside the shop and sit in the middle of Adam and the leader of Vultures. Adam still looks down on the protagonist, believing he is just a weak Ghost. But the leader of Vultures know it isn't — he notices that even the pedestrians are looking at the coffee shop, signalling that all people around the area are the surviving Ghosts. So Adam and the leader of Vultures are forced to listen to the protagonists' request...

The story is called 死而復生 by YY的劣跡(I'm sorry it is in Chinese) . But the above basically sums up the story. Perhaps it can provide some good plots for your story?