Ensuring someing isn't unintentionally creepy

I'm working on a short story where a man in a secret organization is forced to fake his death and is unable to tell his then-girlfriend that he's still alive. He's quite upset about it for a while as he loved her a great deal, but he eventually starts to forget about it.

Cut to a few years later when he is working on an investigation near her place of business and learns that she is in a new relationship and has a young son (4-5 years old) who he has an uncanny resemblance to. He looks into it and finds out that the child was born about 8 months after he supposedly "died" meaning that it is extremely likely that the child is his son.

• (So this is where it could get kind of creepy) The agent's father died when he was young which is one reason why he feels like he needs to somehow be a part of his son's life. He investigates them financially and learns they're having money problems and anonymously helps them obtain the money.

• He later goes into an empty and secluded place (ensuring his son is temporarily separated from his mother) dresses in all white and approaches his son imparting some well meant wisdom, gives him a hug and leaves. When his son's mother catches up to him, he tells her about who he talked to. She (being a spiritual person) simply assumes it was some sort of divine apparition and is very moved. It's implied that the agent won't try to contact his song again (at least until he's an adult)

Does this sound off any warning bells or does it sound perfectly fine?

edited 21st Jan '15 9:29:04 AM by TheMuse

You have explained the intent, so no. The problem you have is making sure you convey that properly and that the audience can sympathize with the character.

And even if you manage that you still might get people who want to view it in a creepy way.

Inform the audience that he isn't trying to be creepy, through his dialogue or the narrators.

"Despite the fact that his interactions would be creepy to anyone else, this was his son, and any unsettling feelings were non-existent. He trusted his own actions to be true hearted."

Show the character he is interacting with would think this is creepy in any other situation but this, and feels sympathy instead.

If the narrator happens to be attached to that particular character, have him worry about it possibly being creepy and then dismiss the possibility on the basis that giving advice and all that is more important than the potential discomfort; make the hug something that was unplanned and simply happened, too.

It's harder for the audience to perceive something as creepy if they are given a reason for why it isn't that actually makes sense.

So I should try to perhaps show he has a bit of hesitation with the whole situation because he knows it could easily be interpreted the wrong way?

• Also having his ex-girlfriend be very moved by the thought of him reaching across the veil of death to see his son one last time wouldn't cause the agent to be a Lost Lenore type character for her, right? Because she's shown to be in a happy relationship with another man and I don't want it to seem like she still hasn't gotten over the agent's death.

So, I'm worried about one little detail. Well, more like two little details:

1) "Extremely likely" is not enough for me. I want to believe the character is smart enough to realise that, if there is the smallest chance that the child is not his, his whole "coming back from the underworld to see his child" trick might blow up his cover.

2) Does the child even know his real father is dead? Maybe the child believes that Alice's (I'm calling the ex-girlfriend that; don't judge me) husband/partner is his real father. Remember that there are a lot of people who are... uncertain on how to handle some themes with very young children.

edited 21st Jan '15 11:37:57 PM by Aespai

2. To clarify, the child has vague recollections of a time before his mother was with his step dad (let's call him "Bob"). He has some degree of understanding that Bob isn't his "real" dad (even though he doesn't quite understand what that entails) but he doesn't treat him any different. Alice hasn't really elaborated to him where his "real" dad is.

• I was maybe thinking Alice might have an old picture somewhere around the house of herself and Agent. The child asks about who the man is and she says something along the lines of "an old friend." So it would make sense when the kid isn't particularly frightened when he finally meets him and even gives him a hug.

• 1. The thing is, Agent couldn't be 100% sure that he's his son without doing a blood test and although he gets some clearance to investigate them because they're involved with something his organization is looking into, even he thinks that's incredibly invasive. I was thinking that Alice gets interviewed by someone in Agent's organization (because of something that happened at her place of work) and the topic of children comes up and she mentions that she has a son, but it's not her husband's biologically. Alice tells the interviewer that she's very grateful for what their organization does because (something along the lines of): "[Son's name]'s biological father was a part of it and he died in action. I know you do a lot."

Someone who was involved with this eventually tells Agent about it and it's so much of a coincidence (as he was in a sexually active relationship with Alice around the time when the child would have been conceived and was the only man from his organization that she had been in a relationship with) that he assumes that it's the case.

• Does that sound convincing enough?

edited 22nd Jan '15 3:14:13 PM by TheMuse

Convincing or not, there's the difference between being certain and being nigh-certain. We do know the difference, the question is, does the character know it?

Knowing that there is always some chance, even if infinitesimal, that the child is not his and acting as if it was all a certainty? A bit creepy unless you play it really well.

Accepting that chance and trying to distance himself, but ending up not being completely able to do so and in the end becoming something of a "guardian spirit" to the child, because of the nigh-impossibility of the child not being his? Not really creepy unless you botch it badly.

What the character tries to do, what the character thinks about the whole thing, what they plan versus what happens, matter more as far as being creepy is concerned than the exact course of events does. Some characters might perceive him as creepy anyway, yes. But it's not the characters that you want to convince, it's the readers. And the readers, contrary to the characters, have the ability to see what the man thinks of it, how he plans it all, what he tries to do.

In the end, this is one of the cases where the intent and the reasons of the character matters, where if the outcome was different from what had been planned for, the plans are those that we acknowledge. Where the "what" of the events doesn't matter as much as the "why" does.

That being said, as it stands now you have everything you need to make it not creepy. The question is, how will you play it? Not the blood tests and that which is known, but the emotions, intents, and those areas in which there is no knowledge and the most everyone has being the vague "possible" and "likely".

I'm gonna go right for the (potentially) story-breaking question: Why does he have to be uncertain?

Being more specific, why can't Alice just know that her kid is the son of a guy who died? Why can't that just be part of the kid's identity? Why be unsure?

Keep in mind that it's been acceptable for a long time for a pregnant woman to remarry after her husband died. In fact, it was expected for most of human history, up until about the 1950s, probably later. What use is the question of "is this my son or his?" What does it add to the story that you couldn't have without the uncertainty?

I think that if you can take that out, it becomes way easier to make it non-creepy. Then it becomes more about "a dad who can't reach his son through normal ways, so he does it in the ways he can."

Yeah, it's kind of weird, so own that and work it into the story. People aren't perfect at social interaction, and a character's actions coming off as more sinister than they intended is a great source for humour and/or tension. Where's the fun in a story where everything goes smoothly?

To clarify, Alice DOES know that Agent is the father

A major point is that he doesn't find out he has a son until he's 4-5 so he immediately has some guilt for missing out on so much of his life. Agent still has to pretend he is dead to basically everyone who knew him in his former life excluding people in his organization.

I wasn't plan on going the "tries to have some contact with him over the course of several years" because that would likely put the son in danger and been seen as even more creepy.

edited 23rd Jan '15 9:55:19 AM by TheMuse