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I had a lot of trouble with it, but that was probably less my autism and more a set of circumstances unique to me and the girl in question. I can elaborate if you want, but I don't know that you'll find my post particularly enlightening.
A procrastination in of itself
I've had issues in the past (first gilrfreind was a fellow aspie and I have since described that relationship as "the blind leading the blind") but I'm on relationship number three right now and it seems to be working out pretty well.
Describe what issues it is you're having, it's easier to help that way.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
Writer, Artist, Ignored
I have had a total of one girlfriend in my life. She was my friend ad we hung out a bit before we started dating. And as of this past Thanksgiving we are just plain friends again. No conflict or anything, she just felt as though she wasn't ready for a relationship and I deserve someone different. Upon reflection it was rather surreal. I don't know how many exes offer to be your wingman, but she was basically offering to vouch for what a good guy I would be to any girl.
So yeah, sorry, no help, too inexperienced and I still don't how one gets a date to begin with. These human interaction things are confusing and in many instances incredibly stupid.
The Blog The Art
I agree that they're stupid. There are bizarre dating "rituals" such as texting someone exactly 24 hours after the last time you texted them just to mess with their head?? It's so artificial that I have to wonder what moron invented these rules.
An Aspie female friend of mine and I agree that a lot of the bizarre rituals of society are just plain stupid, and it's refreshing just to finally say exactly what you mean and know the other person knows there isn't some hidden meaning to search for.
There's a book written by an Aspie woman about Aspie wives and how they differ from NT wives. It's getting many positive reviews. One man said that the book taught him that he needed to realize that when his wife says something, she actually means it and nothing more and nothing less. Wow.
A procrastination in of itself
If you're in a relationship where you're obeying bizarre ritualistic rules rather than doing what works for the two of you than you're doing it wrong.
Those rules should go away by the time you get into your early twenties, if they haven't then you need a better class of date.
However that's the crazy rules, some have a certain logic to them and some are ones you need to come up with yourselves.
Largely though it comes down to finding someone who works with you, my 2nd girlfriend had very traditional ideas about a guy having female friends, also she (and my first gilrfreind) had certain very strict ideas on some issues that didn't match with all of my social circle's actions.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
Abandon those dumb rules by the time you're in your early twenties, huh? So that explains why my misogynistic younger brother is so bitter and angry. He's convinced that these rules are how the world works and this is somehow a good thing. He's totally anal about traditional gender roles that would be stifling even to the 1950s.
Okay, we are drifting away from the topic of autism. Or maybe I am. I'd better stop here.
Either way, Aspies tend not to know about these rules, and when we are told about them, they sound utterly alien to us.
V
Not all Aspies are alike, Bonsai. As for me, I've never been in any form of romantic relationship — mostly because I don't know what to do and I've had so many other things going on I've never devoted much time to it. Needs to change, though.
Keep Rolling On
A procrastination in of itself
Some of them do make sense when it comes to avoiding misunderstanding. Just small stuff that avoids confusion over either how you feel about them or how you feel about others (I have a fair number of female friends so that one has come up).
A lot of the rules seem to be designed to force something that doesn't come naturally, like with my 2nd girlfriend it was a thing that we should go on dates regularly. Now the idea that us eating together somewhere fun about once a week is a good idea makes sense, but that wasn't coming naturally to us, with my current gilrfreind it does so the 'rule' is pointless.
Green, can you explain what you mean by "what to do"? What is it you want to do but don't know how to go about doing?
edited 11th Mar '15 9:06:35 AM by Silasw
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
Writer, Artist, Ignored
I probably would have devoted adequate time to it in high school if I knew what the bloody hell I was doing. Yeah sure I was busy but really I just have too much anxiety to try anything so I had reasonably intelligent excuses to not be doing anything with others. I mean what, you're supposed to just randomly go up and talk to people? That's just nuts.
Right now I'm pretty much on constant worry because I got lucky with my first girlfriend because we were already friends in the first place and she's just a really rad and cool and straightforward person.
Oh no, the visions of eternal solitude are coming back.
The Blog The Art
A procrastination in of itself
High School is a terrible place for learning how to date anyway.
Best advise I can give is don't focus on it, get yourself into a good happy place where you're okay being single and fear of being single doesn't dominate all potential interaction you have with a potential romantic partner. If you're screwed up due to desperately wanting a partner it will show, and come a certain age the good folks stop looking for a project to build up, they want a complete human being ready to roll.
But yeah talking to people is required, same as making friends. Get to know people, if you encounter one you get along with and feel romantically attracted to see if they're interested in making the relationship between you a romantic one.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
Writer, Artist, Ignored
I don't know when the exact point is where you go from 'been on a couple dates' to boyfriends. It can't be when you start out, but there has to be done point where both people know what point their relationship has reached. I think I have trouble moving past the infatuation stage
edited 11th Mar '15 10:44:48 AM by Xopher001
@Greenmantle: I choose my words carefully. I said autistics "tend not to", and "often" do or feel this or that, not that they always do. Such words are chosen to avoid claiming that all autistics are alike. Believe me, the ones I know are quite varied, while still showing to varying degrees the "signs/symptoms" of having it.
Here's a story of a man who claims he was fired for admitting he has autism
Expecting C.R. England to hire him as a full-time truck driver on completion of training, Anderson claims an employee of the trucking company said they “do not hire people with autism.”
Anderson claims he was not properly paid for his on-the-job training time and that the Premiere Truck Driving School has still sent him bills for his training, despite it being canceled.
These types of things are always he-said/she-said, I realize. Let's assume everything presented here is true. If that's the case, this is another example of how disclosing or not disclosing your autism can be a crapshoot. I've read personal accounts of people who kept their job because their boss understood them better after they admitted they had autism, people who got discriminated against and harassed after people found out they had autism (sometimes because they disclosed it, sometimes because it was instead discovered), and people who lost their job for little things related to autism (like the difficulty with concentrating while simultaneously making eye contact). It seems to be random whether disclosure after being hired or while training (and doing good at it) is a good idea or not.
edited 11th Mar '15 10:55:23 AM by BonsaiForest
A procrastination in of itself
It doesn't matter if you're not open about it, it still effects how you interact with people.
When you sit down and agree to it. The titles are social constructs so they only apply them both people involved agree that it's time for them to apply. exclusivity is another point used to define things, but even then that's something where those involved sit down and agree on something.
That or use the good old "it's not official till it's facebook official" rule. 
Writer, Artist, Ignored
A procrastination in of itself
It hasn't changed your behaviour in ways that you notice, believe me if you hate yourself it does make a difference to how you come across to others.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
Its just, I went on a couple dates with this guy, but when I asked him he said he doesnt consider us boyfriends, and now I'm not sure if its ok or not to ask him if he wants to eat together tonight. Like it might be really awkward. Granted we both initially met on OK Cupid so its not like the pretext wasnt already there
1) Rarely does anyone know what they are doing.
2) The ones who do don't play games, unless they're cons.
3) If there is too much pressure, you're doing it wrong. Relax, take your time, enjoy each other's company, see where it goes.
4) And here is where people with autism need to feel comfortable: it is okay to be blunt. If you cant be honest with a partner, you're really doing it wrong. If they cant handle your direct questions and attempts to keep clear communication, you don't want them.
5) There are millions of people in the world. Take your time. You have options. Be picky.
"Psssh. Even if you could catch a miracle on a picture any person would probably delete it to make space for more porn." - Aszur
A procrastination in of itself
Listen to the bear, she is wise.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
A woman on 7cupsoftea whose son was identified with Aspergers (yeah, I'm gonna use the word "identified" instead of "diagnosed" more often after having read that editorial) said that she and her husband talk to each other about everything. Everything. She said that people think it's weird that they talk to each other about things that others wouldn't talk to their spouses about, but she thinks that it would be dumb not to. She thinks if you can't be super open and honest in a relationship, then there might be something bubbling beneath the surface that you don't know about until it's too late.
Writer, Artist, Ignored
I know, I read a ton of the bear's posts. the bear is good and the bear is wise. That's why I'm the problem, not the advice. Honest communication I can do, I am perfectly good and reasonable at everything but the very first steps because that causes the most anxiety and confusion for me.
I've also seen arguments that if you wait for perfection, you'll likely never get it, which I think is important as well.
Though if you settle for someone who seems good right now, you could get into an abusive relationship. And Aspies appear to be at higher risk for abusive relationships (according to some studies).
You are not a problem.
You don't even have a problem.
You just haven't encountered a situation where you feel comfortable.
Nothing is wrong with you or what you are doing. Anxiety is your body's way of telling you to pay attention to something. Now sometimes your body is yelling when it should be whispering, but you are aware of that and are working through it. That is fine. You're evolving.
Thing of it as strength training. DOMS suck, but they mean you're getting somewhere worthwhile.
I know firsthand how much it flat out sucks to know something but feel something else. Especially when you are trapped in your own body and have no control over the situation. Allow the moment. Allow the feelings. Don't fight them, but don't accept it either. It's just a bit of bad weather you are walking through. It will help it go from an oppressive force to an annoyance.
Feel free to keep me on speed-dial as well.
"Psssh. Even if you could catch a miracle on a picture any person would probably delete it to make space for more porn." - Aszur
A procrastination in of itself
Wanting perfection and wanting someone who is a fully functional human being are to different things.
Find someone you're happy with being in a partnership with and with whom it will be an actual partnership.
The perfection thing is normally aimed at people holding out for some very specific idea of a 'perfect' being, instead of holding out for someone who fits with them and they can be happy with.
“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran
This.
Perfect is relative.
Aprilla is perfect for me. Not a perfect person. He has flaws just like I do. But his flaws are not anything oppressive to me and we compliment each other well. He considers my flaws irrelevant to the benefits of being with me.
It is a matter of do your priorities match enough that you guys can meet your shared goals? Can you have a balanced partnership?
Totally possible.
And I do assure you from experience, if you make the choice to overlook the little things then you will eventually stop noticing them completely.
For every time I ignore Aprilla not putting his laundry away until the last minute, that makes it easier for him to have the ability to overlook my flaws.
"Psssh. Even if you could catch a miracle on a picture any person would probably delete it to make space for more porn." - Aszur