Need opinion on concepts concerning a Scifi Action Story

Me and a friend have been working on a story concept together and I'm rather curious about what you guys think of it. Now it's still in development, so there are a few vague details here and there. But we have the basic premise down in a few foot notes we wrote together.

If any of them sound overly simplistic or vague, please forgive us, we'll flesh it out a little more later.

- In a futuristic city, advances in technology have become more and more of an issue with the common person being granted potentially dangerous things like cybernetic and genetic alteration. Because of this, a yet to be named special forces group had been formed to help maintain peace .

- The son of a famous police chief(?), Skyler, had transferred from what would be the equivelent of our modern day swat teams on to the special forces group. There he is assigned to take charge of two experiments that have been put to use for combating the problems that come up in this day and age.

- These experiments are two polymorphic entities, or Slimes, known as Azura and Rose. Both are injected with nanomachines that act as a GPS and a counter measure for revolt. If they fall too out of line, one of their superior officers can send an electric shock through their body to stop them. These shocks can range from midly unpleasent to lethal. They can't seperate them from their bodies, as they're latched into their cells.

- Skyler is a rather prideful boy, as he was moreso born into his role, rather than earning it. He is the pilot of an advanced mech suit that he uses to contend with the new threats the world is facing. One of the main issues he has to face is his own personality, as it comes to bite him in the butt countless times. Despite his role and command, he is still inexperienced and needs to learn what it really means to be fighting crime, maintaining peace, and being in charge of the two slime experiments. It becomes agitating for him that the two he is in charge of seem more capable than him, which is one way that he struggles with his inexperience and personality. Also, Skyler must also deal with the expectations put onto him, due to the legacy of his father.

We are still debating how he will look exactly, but we have a few ideas we're mulling over.

His mech suit is top of the line and is his main method of fighting. It grants him the abilities of temporary flight and hovering, as well as weapons capable of firing rounds of energy and discharging electrical blasts. One key component of his armor is the ability to partially fuse with the two polymorphic experiments he is in charge of. The effects of the fusion depend on which slime does it, but they allow him to have temporary boosts in power, defense, speed, and precision.

- Rose, with the code name Unit FF 0006, is made out of red goop that is more so sticky and stretchy than it is moldable. They are the middle child of the Polymorphic experiments, who is rather rough around the edges. Appearance wise, Rose's hair is long and curls at the end, but is somewhat a mess. Their hands are rather large and claw-like, which is their key distinguishable feature.

Rose's real goal or desire is to eliminate the criminals at all costs, wanting to get their job over with as quickly as possible. They feel that if they complete their mission and stop the new type of crime sweeping the city, then they would be able to live freely. Because of this, they are not above bending the law if it means justice can be served in the end. This can range anywhere from roughing up suspects or prisoners, to tampering with evidence. Whenever she is caught, she is punished, but her desire to stop crime prevents her from stopping.

The red slime has a personal problem with their effemininity. They are rather rough and more like a tomboy, and have a rather abbrasive personality, plus their large arms make them feel rather insecure about this. They often hit on Skyler, but less so out of interest in him at first, but moreso to validate her own identity as a woman, as they consider themselves seeming asthetically infeior to Azura. This is because Rose's structure isn't as malleable as Azura's, thus her shapeshifting is inferior in that reguard. Though over time, their feelings for him may become more genuine, but they will have to question their past actions in regards to it.

Rose's main means of combat are her fists, as she is more of a brawler than anything else. Her large hands prove useful in beating down her enemies, and she can also rush down enemies. I am thinking of her being able to temporarily forming bull horns and charging down people as well. They would also be able to launch their claw-like fists at enemy, which could stick to their targets if they make contact. If this happens, then the red slime could constrict the enemy, but later on they would develop the ability to use this as an explosive weapon.

- Azura, known by her creators as Unit 007FFF, is named for her semi-translucent blue goo. She is the youngest of the Polymorphic entities. Azura has a strong desire to assimilate herself into human culture, to be precieved as normal in some fathomable sense. Growing up, Azura would base her appearance off of what she saw from women around her and what she saw in fashion magezines that she snuck into her room. Constantly altering her appearance until she found the look for her that she found to be most desirable. She tends to wear her hair down one side of her face and forms clothes that are a fasionable spin on her special forces clothing that other women. She is prone to hitting on Skyler on occasion, which is partially done out of affection, but also to prove that they can be like a normal person.

Other than mimicking how other people looked, she also mimics mannerisms and accents to help her better fit in. This desire to be normal has also worked its way into her work as she upholds the laws in extreme rigidness. She has a disdain for the law being broken and gets visibly upset when she sees Rose or Skyler bend it.

Her body tends to react to her emotions. If she is angry, the surface of her skin will bubble and boil. If she's nervous, her body starts to drip and ooze and so on. While Rose has a thick, somewhat rubbery body, Azura's body is more like a gel than anything else. This makes it so that she can easily seep through cracks and adjust her body to most situations to remain agile in combat. The downside is that her defenses are low.

Azura's main weapons are formed from some of the nanomachines in her body. She can form two guns from the nanomachines that fire out plasma shots. The guns are extremely malleable, allowing them to change and/or combine into other kinds of weapons. To assist with her sharp shooting, Azura can open a third eye hidden in her forehead for extremely precisioned aiming. Though she prefers to keep it closed due to how she feels it makes her look odd.

- The oldest project and one of the main antagonists of the story is Verde, code named Unit 006600. With a bad attitude, foul temper and a sharp row of teeth not unlike that of a shark. She was an issue from the beginning. She never liked being told what to do and would rarely get through the day without receiving punishment.

She escaped from the lab prior to the beginning of the story, as she was not fond of the idea of being treated like a tool and not being able to do much back then. She holds a grudge with her sisters because they wouldn't go along with her when she made her plans to escape, feeling that it would be wrong of them.

After that, Verde decided to become a thug for hire, or a mercenary, getting in a variety of criminal jobs as long as the pay was good enough. Verde as an antagonist isn't exactly someone with a grand master plan or anything like that. She's a threat, but she's more of a hand that's hired by other people more than anything else.

Verde has the ability merge with other beings, if she manages to seep inside of them. If she finds if difficult to flow into a mouth of a potential host, she will bite down onto them and seep in through the wound. Once inside, the host's body is transformed into gooey and assimilated into Verde's being.

Technically, all of the slimes could merge with another being, but Verde's talents excel at this because she can completely assimilate others into her, while Azura and Rose can only make it a temporary fusion.

This means that Verde will permanently gain the host's ability, but the host is not killed. The host's mind remains with Verde, but Verde manages to subdue the other consciousnesses for the time being. Suffice to say, she doesn't do this very often because of that complication. She may have difficulty at a later time in controlling the other minds inside her.

Well this is what we have so far. Now what I want to know if the characters sound solid or interesting? Would this be something you'd like to see? Do you guys think that Azura or Rose's odd traits help with their character or detract from it?

edited 19th Nov '12 9:33:49 AM by knightofthecolossus

I think Equippable Ally is a nice addition.

Also are we going to explore some bit of romance on the side. Personally I can't see myself write romance, and would love it when someone does it correctly.

Yeah, it was mainly my friend's idea on the Equippable Ally concept. I think it works out pretty nicely.

Though on romance, we will explore that a tad more. Basically having a Love Triangle between Skyler, Azura and Rose. Though, at the moment we're thinking a tad more on the types of antagonists they'd have to face. I admit that it is a tad difficult for me to think of a few others, mainly because I'm not sure what they'd want at the moment.

This sounds pretty great to me, actually. But I can't help noticing that Rose and Azura's personalities seem to be heavily based on their female gender-identities and sexual relevance to the protagonist; their only other definition is their attitude to combat, the law, and their desire to emulate humanity. Presumably they'll be sharpened and have more depth later on but it seems like there's a danger of falling into Cute Monster Girl territory at the expense of making them interesting, three-dimensional characters.

Also, Skyler sounds like kind of a twat. Which is fine to begin with but he better become sympathetic pretty quickly if he's going to be the central character.

The general setting and concept though all sounds good, and I like Verde. I'm interested to hear what other villains you come up with.

Hey, thanks! Glad you like the idea itself.

As for Azura and Rose when it comes to gender identities, well, I don't want that to be ALL there is to them or anything. But I kinda felt it would be an interesting internal conflict. Though I would say in Azura's case it would be more about her desire to seem normal than effeminate, while Rose's case seems to be more along the lines of her femininity just in the case of her limited ability to mold her body. But I definitely see the dangers there of making that too central to their character. Truth be told, I would like to know what things I should be careful of in that regard.