Joke thread

You want to hear a joke?

If demons are entirely sinful, what does that make angels?

Wholly holy.

something i saw on tumblr:

a couple are walking through the red square thirty something years ago, and they realize that while there's precipitation, they're having a devil of a time actually figuring out the consistency of the stuff that's currently falling from the sky.

thankfully, one of them spots the local police officer and suggests to her husband "now look, there's officer rudolph, why don't we ask him?"

the husband agrees that it's a wonderful idea, and they go over and ask.

the officer sticks his hand out, adjusts his big old awesome fur hat, and says

"well, comerades, it's far too warm for snow just right now, so this is actual precipitation"

they bid the officer a good night, and the wife turns to the husband and says "see, rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"

Oh, you horrible person. That is a good one!

What happens if you walk through a field of holy cows?

You step in holy shit.

Ugh, I can't take any more of this. So I'm going to post an actual joke.

At an electronics expo, a software designer meets an automotive engineer. The computer guy boasts: "You know, if the automotive industry had kept pace with the computer industry, we'd all be driving cars that cost only a thousand dollars new, and got a hundred miles to the gallon."

The car guy replies: "Maybe. But who would want a car that crashes three times a week?"

I remembered a joke only usable around this time.

Why does a calendar get sad at the end of the year?

His or her days are numbered.

edited 31st Dec '15 4:36:00 PM by MoreFace

A mother and her boy are at a swimming pool. The mother lets her boy go play by himself while she sunbathes. A few minutes later, the lifeguard comes by and says "Ma'am, your son just peed in the pool." The mother, more perplexed than anything else, replies with "it's perfectly natural for kids to pee in the pool. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" The lifeguard retorts "That may be true, but most young kids don't do it off of the diving board."

Lol.

So one day a man hitchhiking across the country comes across a farmer who offers to set him up in his barn over night if he helps with the field work. So the man agrees and goes with the farmer. After a hard day of field work the farmer takes the man to his barn. He says as a reward he has a bit of a surprise for the man. In back wall of the barn are three holes. He is free to stick his dick in the first two but under no circumstance should he stick it in the third. The man asks what is back there the farmer just smiles and walks off.

The man resting in the barn finally lets his curiosity get the better of him and he puts it in the first hole. The sensation is amazing. He finishes and rests for a bit then wonders about the second hole. So he goes and sticks it in that one as well. This one is even better. His mind is almost blown by the experience.

As he lays there pondering what is behind the third hole he says to hell with it he will stick it in there anwyays. He puts it and the sensation and pleasure are almost overpowering. Despite finishing though it doesn't stop and it starts to hurt. As he struggles he realizes he can't free himself and stands there yelping for the next hour. Finally whatever had hold of him let him go and he clothes himself back up and collapses on the hay pile.

The next morning after the farmer wakes him so he can get a ride to town he tells the farmer he tried the holes and wanted to know what was back there. The farmer nods. "The First hole was my daughter and she really likes the wandering men. The second one is my wife we swing and she really knows what she is doing." The man nods before asking about the third hole. "Ok, so that explains those first two holes. But what was in that third hole? It was almost vicious." The farmer looks shocked before he goes on shaking his head. "That was my automatic milking machine it doesn't stop until it gets 3 gallons."

edited 9th Jan '16 8:33:24 AM by TuefelHundenIV

So dirty....so brilliant...

I wonder what's a man supposed to do to even get that much. XD

I'm not entirely sure if this counts, but here's one I remember, in honor of Star Wars.

In this featurette I saw about special and visual effects, R2D2 was strolling through a warehouse full of wooden crates, and then C3PO walked by with a pushbroom. R2 made his usual beeps, to which 3PO shouted "NO, R2! This is not what we signed up for! >.<"

edited 31st Dec '15 9:07:28 PM by Demetrios

20 years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.

Nice.

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die because then we won't have any bacon either.

God forbid if Kevin Bacon dies...

And if the members of Team Go die? We'll have no go!

Did anybody hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up!

Riddler: What have holes and roll in ground?

Batman: Let me guess...my parents?

Riddler: Dude, I was going to say bowling balls, what the hell is wrong with you?

-removed-

edited 7th Jan '16 1:12:57 PM by Demetrios

Being polite is also healthy.

Well, I'm reporting you to mods either way.

If there's nothing wrong, well, we move on.

-shrugs- Don't know, don't matter, don't care.