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Total posts: [8]
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Saturn's Script: Dream Girl:

 1 Saturn, Sun, 25th Mar '12 5:15:30 PM from On The Rings Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
Thought I'd go ahead and make a thread for this script. It's for a very large contest that will be happening in a few weeks. I will post a few pages at a time, because that's the speed at which I am writing it. It will be around 90-100 in total. Here's the logline:

A stereotypical, quirky Manic Pixie Dream Girl is thrust into the world of drug dealing so she can pay the bills, and ends up becomes a kingpin.

—- Page 1:

INT. PSYCHIATRISTíS OFFICE - DAY

The tick-tock of a grandfather clock is the only sound in the room. No decorating show could ever hope to save this room. A row of framed documents on the wall reads things like ďDr. West Ph.DĒ.

DR. WEST
Okay... Okay... Letís do this shit.

DR. WEST, who looks more like an aging gym teacher than a shrink, sits behind his desk, staring intently at it. On the desk, we see a nice, little line of cocaine.

Dr. West drops his face onto the desk, and quickly snorts the line, shooting his head back up. His eyes are almost as wide as he is.

Thereís a knock on the door.

DR. WEST (CONTíD)
(coughing)
H-hmm?! Yes, yes! Come in!

The door opens, and thereís ETHAN. Curly hair and pale skin, Ethan has a childlike appearance that shifts between cute and awkward. Heís wearing a stuffy button down, but hide your daughters, because the sleeves are rolled up.

This kid is so nervous he looks like heís the one who just snorted.

ETHAN
Here for my...appointment, Dr. West?

The doctor is a little too alert.

DR. WEST
Right! Well, take a seat already. Before I get any older and uglier.

CUT TO:

Ethan flicks one of those drinky-birds on the doctorís shelf.

ETHAN
Is there something wrong with me, Doc? Like, on a psyche level?

DR. WEST
Thatís what weíre here to figure out, kid.

edited 25th Mar '12 5:18:41 PM by Saturn

 2 Saturn, Sun, 25th Mar '12 5:18:23 PM from On The Rings Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
Page 2:

Dr. West is lying on the black chair, twiddling his thumbs. A blank notepad and pen are on the floor next to him.

ETHAN
I just feel like... Iím this asshole who doesnít deserve a girl? But at the same, thatís all I need. You know what I mean?

DR. WEST
No.

Tick-tock.

ETHAN
Well, you donít have to be so blunt about it.

DR. WEST
Look Ethan, you want my help? Then take it. Hey, itís no skin off my dick. Youíre the one paying.

ETHAN
Okay, fine. What should I do?

DR. WEST
I donít think Iím getting the whole picture here. Why donít you start from the beginning? Tell me about her.

Ethan sighs and leans against the wall, looking up at the horribly-colored ceiling.

ETHAN
Sheís...perfect.

EXT. SEEDY ALLEYWAY - DAY

A cab with chipped paint pulls up on the side of the curb.

A young girl, ASHER, 23, steps out. Remember that cute girl you were eying in Starbucks? She looks up to this girl. Frumpy, but somehow the most fashionable person alive. Brunette, with a streak of some other color that shouldnít be found on the human head.

ETHAN (V.O.)
The most beautiful girl ever, to me at least.

 3 Mr AHR, Mon, 26th Mar '12 6:00:15 AM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
Good establishing character moment for the doctor. I am reminded of Peter Venkman for some reason.

edited 26th Mar '12 6:00:26 AM by MrAHR

Rainbows hurt.
Not bad so far. I LOVE the concept.
(屮≖益≖)屮 彡 ┻━┻ F*ck yo' table; Go read my book! —> http://goo.gl/mtXkm
 5 Saturn, Mon, 26th Mar '12 2:16:23 PM from On The Rings Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
Thanks guys. :3 And yeah, I pitched the concept to like 4 friends and they all loved it. Glad to know I have that down at least. Which is great, because the first half of the contest is, my pitch has to be better than a LOT of other people's.

This guy is giving us 15 minutes to tweet a 140 character or less pitch. Then, he picks the ten he likes to most. Of those ten, he will read the first ten pages of each. Of those, whichever he likes the most will get a full read and review, and will get sent out to agents and managers all over Hollywood.

I'd like you guys to watch out for the voice I try to bring to the script.

I'd love to hear any suggestions or questions at all that will help me make this better.

 6 Saturn, Mon, 26th Mar '12 2:17:51 PM from On The Rings Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
Page 3

She peers into the front window of the cab at the inconspicuously foreign DRIVER.

ASHER
Ten minutes.

DRIVER
Five.

Asher groans and runs over to corner of the building.

She peers around the corner into the alleyway, then darts her head back. She looks down at her purse, fiddling past thick-rimmed glasses and a pink slip.

ETHAN (V.O.)
Great head on her shoulders.

Asher pulls out a small box.

ASHER
Shit!

It almost slips out of her hands, and she fumbles around to get a good grip on it. She takes a deep breath, and looks around the corner again, before continuing on.

ETHAN (V.O.)
And the worst part is... how mysterious this chick is. I really just want to know what she does.

Asher struts down the alleyway, trying to look like the coolest bitch ever. It doesnít work.

She walks up to a particularly intimidating black man guarding a door. Heís basically half-bear. Which is good because he isnít wearing a shirt.

Asher doesnít look him in the eye and pretends she hasnít been staring at him for the past minute.

ASHER
Oh. Sup.

The BEAR doesnít even grunt.

Asher starts to lose her cool, but finds it back.

ASHER (CONTíD)
I, uh... got the stuff.

 7 Saturn, Mon, 26th Mar '12 2:19:04 PM from On The Rings Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
Page 4

He stares daggers at her.

ASHER (CONTíD)
You know... the stuff? Like, drug-type stuff. Illegal items and all that?

The bear grunts this time, and Asher jumps back a bit. He opens the door, which makes the loudest kind of squeak.

ASHER (CONTíD)
Sorry. I wasnít sure if you really knew... what I was um...talking about.

She coughs, and the bearís attention is elsewhere.

ASHER (CONTíD)
Iím just gonna...go in now. Kay.

Asher shuffles inside, and the bear closes the door behind her.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

ETHAN (V.O.)
Spending her time in the classiest places in the city...

Every action movie finale was shot in a warehouse like this one. Stacks of creates, squeaky rats, the works.

Asher looks around, standing still. It takes her a second to start moving. She walks around to see—

Three huge guys beating the crap out of some pale dude on the floor. It looks like heís just crying blood. Next to the beefy guys is a short dude in a nice suit, munching on a sandwich.

Asher lets out a little yelp, and all of them turn around and stare at her.

ETHAN (V.O.)
I bet sheís the kind of girl that just loves getting involved with risky shit...

ASHER
(talking way too loudly)
...Oh! This isnít the Fine Arts building! Excuse me!

edited 26th Mar '12 2:19:24 PM by Saturn

 8 doorhandle, Tue, 27th Mar '12 3:37:06 AM from Space Australia!
Lemmiguess: You kill it you buy it?

The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.
Total posts: 8
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