Guilty? Guilty of what?
A lot of this story is supposed to be about the setting. The setting was really the thing I had in mind when I began writing this, and that's the main aim of the story, as in the setting is just closing in and it gets worse and worse.
Is it a problem that the main character is a slow and melancholic character? I mean, he is. That's the way he's supposed to be. Is the problem with the character I've chosen or how I write him? How can I write a slow and melancholic character more interestingly?
That One Guy
It's just unusual for a teenager to act that way, is all. It would make more sense if it was a much older person.
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How would I make him much older?
That One Guy
By having him be an adult or elderly man?
The way he's written now, and your idea of him being slow and melancholic, just doesn't really mesh with how I'd write a teenager, that's all.
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I would have no problem making him like seventy years older if the age range of high school students was not so narrow.
Well, it could work out if your narrator has depression or something some disorder which saps motivation, but I'm not really sure...
What is the premise of your story again? I might not be able to help you if your story isn't my kind of tea.
By the way, what genre and demographic you're aiming at? I guess lit fic, but I don't see this as YA.
edited 10th Feb '12 5:15:26 PM by chihuahua0
This is what I was going for in the first place.
The seedling of this story began from the idea "Kafkaesque Harry Potter" and a certain building I've had to go into on campus that really freaks me out. It's also where my major department is located, so I've had to go in there a lot lately...
The genre is urban fantasy, not lit fic. I don't know where you got the idea that it would be lit fic. Though it has a young protagonist I do not think it is YA.
edited 10th Feb '12 8:13:42 PM by ohsointocats
Trainee Tactician
Couldn't you change the setting, and put him in his twenties at least? University works, if you absolutely need a school setting.
Currently cursing my way through Radiant Dawn Hard Mode. Give it a look!
University implies that he had a choice in going there. Teacher implies that he had a choice in teaching there. There's a lot less implied powerlessness.
Trainee Tactician
I'm not sure how the system works in the States (You are from there, are you not?), but where I live, you get a lot of choice with regards to which high school you want to go to. Also, I can't imagine a society where people opt not to got to university if they have the money to be able to afford it, so you could alter your setting to one where such a stigma is present?
Your setting and character are not cohering very well, so I'd advise you scrap either or both, and start over. There's nothing wrong with your idea, except that it seems a tad derivative, so you should find a way to fix the problems inherent in your physical and social setting, and how it influences your characterisation.
Currently cursing my way through Radiant Dawn Hard Mode. Give it a look!
That One Guy
Yeah, for my grade school class picking what high school we went to was our first major decision.
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See, that's very strange. I had zero choice in what high school I went to, but I had a lot of choice in what university I went to, and some choice in what job I took.
Fine.
I guess this idea goes into the dumpster.
Ahr river
Yeah, most people in the US go to highschool of their district.
Read my stories!
An Ex-Troper
You certainly do not need to go to school in your district (I did not), but unless you are looking for a specific program or environment it is pretty unlikely.
Not nearly a good enough singer for the Choir Invisible, and the Basement Room With A Synth Invisible is much less prestigious.
That One Guy
And there are private schools to consider as well.
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Have you scrapped this story or are you still looking for a critique?
Fight. Struggle. Endure. Suffer. LIVE.
If you have a critique to give, you can give it. I will consider it.
Okay, coming straight from Writer's Block Daily:
“Hm?”
“Do you see your things?”
[silence]
“Your trunk should already be in there, ”
“Oh. Yes, I think that’s it.”
“Everyone else is gone for the weekend, ”
“This is my room, ”
“Yes, ”
“Um. I have a question, ”
“I told you that you could ask questions any time, ”
“I noticed, “I notice that the door to my room has a window.”
I only scanned your two chapters, but I think the problem is that your narrator seems...passive. While the narrator does have commentary, he has a stoic, emotional state. I think the complaints toward dialogue is due to the fact that it's stiff and silted.
What is the conflict anyways? During the first chapter, he doesn't really have a goal. He doesn't seem to try to resist the girl. From scanning it, I'm not even sure if he's guilty or not.
Perhaps it doesn't help that you start off with four full paragraphs of setting description.
I think another reason why he seems like an automaton because the beginning lacks momentum. It's slow and melancholic. If that's your purpose, that's fine, but perhaps you need to figure out how to show your protagonist's personality.
Or maybe the problem is that you were so worried about him being obnoxious, you went too far in the other direction. Don't worry about giving your narrator attitude.
edited 10th Feb '12 4:06:41 PM by chihuahua0