Nil, by Forzare

Glad to see you're changing "doom comes". I think I noticed that a while back and remarked that it was a little cheesy.

^^ weenies, i say

^ Yeah, I think you did.

I dunno why I thought it sounded good.

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

Chapter 7

• When he explains Focal Points “They're kind of a physical manifestation of the” that sentence is incomplete.

• After Kincaid trails off, the break in sentences feels a little abrupt, you could join them maybe.

• Something I really have to commend you on is how, throughout the chapter, the reader is able to clearly see how the events affect both Danny and Laura. In short, how Danny is wading through a mental sea of questions and fear that slowly chip away at his composure, and Laura’s accelerated descent into momentary despair as the burden of the attack and its consequences dawn on her, at least as far as she could understand them.

Chapter 8

• I can’t say whether the alternation between scenes from another universe and the current setting’s will go well with all readers, but it seems relevant enough, and the connection it has to Danny does keep it related.

• When Danny wakes up I’d assume he’d be more distressed, despite even the hour, at Laura not being in bed. (note this is very subjective)

• Things are developing consistently, no major issues there. Kincaid’s explanation seems fine, not too complicated, not too spoilerific, right measure of all.

Chapter 9

• I’d say this is an interesting way of developing the Nil (and sort of following on the parallel scenes from the last chapter) without giving away much, if anything, that would make them subjects to understanding and/or rationalization.

>:3

OH GOD WHY AM I A CAR!? - Forzare

holy shit someone posted here

and i still haven't finished chapter 14

I will fix these.

Chapter 7 (BIG INFODUMP CHAPTER YAY) is one that I'll probably have to do some fairly significant rewrites for. Writing that was when I came up with most of the actual backstory and stuff. Same with the first couple chapters; there's stuff in there that was more indicative of concepts that I decided to abandon.

I have been completely making it up as I go along. At this point it's more fleshed out (procrastination has rewarded me with an endgame to build up to and what the exact last lines of part 2 are going to be), but I'm still mostly flying blind.

That's not quite what's going on there. Tell me what you think when you're all caught up, I guess.

This is true. I'll fix that.

Chapter 9 is kind of funny. I was stuck on what exactly to do next with the main plot, so I just started kind of writing something else. Filler. I didn't like it very much. Then I realized that it was a great way to foreshadow stuff and hint at stuff about Nil, and I went back and snuck in a few lines here and there for that purpose. Now it's one of my favorite chapters.

I don't think I'll ever explain Nil to a significant extent. Having characters throw out theories as to what they might be is probably the closest I'll come to explaining them. I like Nil more as the unknowable adversary type.

hell, i don't even know where they came from

edited 9th Apr '12 6:27:37 PM by Forzare

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

Isn't it obvious? They came from the Void.

OH GOD WHY AM I A CAR!? - Forzare

They're like The Fly, only with Cthulhu instead of some random bug.

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

YOU BITCHES THOUGHT NIL WAS DEAD, DIDN'T YOU

Yeah, I kinda did for a while there too. Writer's block is a huge bitch. Also, I managed to irretrievably lost part of chapter 14 the first time I tried writing it, and that bothered me enough to make me stop for a little while. Then more writer's block happened.

Anyway, chapter 14 is done, and it'll probably be up sometime today/tonight after Fringe looks it over and I edit it for stupidity.

blar

edited 18th Apr '12 8:40:40 AM by Forzare

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

Chapter 14, Hope, is now online.

so you can read it or whatever i guess

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

Had a small hiccup when compiling all my comments on the story, so while I get it all in order again I will tell you about chapter 10. In this chapter I feel less attached, emphatically, to the characters (Danny mostly). I think it is because the usual narrative has Danny expressing his thoughts a bit more openly (to the reader) and while it is true that just seeing things through his eyes and thoughts might be boring in the long run, in this case I feel it distances the reader. There are a few points where the story didn't flow as well as the rest, of note is the "training" bit, I understand that you might not want to elaborate on it for the sake of the story and to keep from unnecessary exposition, but from how it was cut, it feels incomplete and altogether like an aborted idea that skipped review before posting.

PS. sorry its taking me so long to give you my thoughts

OH GOD WHY AM I A CAR!? - Forzare