Ahr river
—adds to watchlist—
I see you have very little panels for the pages, which I take means that you want really large vivid images. Or do you just have little because it's a fighting scene?
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I'm a fan of decompressed comics, so that's the style I'm going for. I'll probably experiment with different stuff though.
Ahr river
OK. Cool. I like decompressed stuff too. It makes the pacing rather slow, but comic pages work on a different pace than normal pages, which people always seem to forget.
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PAGE FOUR:
Panel one: A woman's lying in bed. The room is messy, and on the nightstand next to her is a ringing cell phone.
WOMAN: Fuck.
Panel two: The woman sitting up in bed, answering the phone.
WOMAN: You have three seconds before I track you down and shove this thing down yo-
KENNEDY (From phone): May, it's Kennedy. I need your help.
Panel three: The woman, MAY MOORE rubbing her forehead in exasperation. She's sick of this bullshit.
MAY: Christ Ken. Who did you kill this time?
KENNEDY (From phone): Some punk who tried to rob me. How fast can you get over to the alley by Mike's?
MAY: How about never?
Panel four: Kennedy standing in the alley, looking pissed and talking into a cell phone.
KENNEDY: Come on May! You owe me.
MAY (over phone): I haven't owed you shit for a long time Ken. Maybe next time you won't be so casual about piling up bodies.
SOUND EFFECT: *Click*
Panel four: Kennedy is enraged, and hurling the cell against a wall.
KENNEDY: BITCH!
PAGE FIVE:
Panel one: Kennedy stands above the punk's body, which has a broken neck, thinking.
KENNEDY: Okay, calm down. It's just a dead body. Nothing you haven't dealt with before.
Panel two: Now he's walking out of the alley with the body on his back, struggling to support its weight.
KENNEDY: She is going to pay for this.
Panel three: He passes a few people while walking up a hill and shoots them a nervous smile as they stare.
KENNEDY: Yeah, my friend here had a bit too much to drink, haha, yes. Just taking him back to the apartment.
Panel four: Kennedy approaching a bridge with a sigh of relief.
KENNEDY: Finally! I never thought such a skinny fuck could weigh so much.
Panel five: Kennedy shoving the body of the bridge. He doesn't notice, but Dick is standing behind him, looking wide eyed and terrified.
Panel six: Kennedy looking satisfied with himself, clapping his hands together with glee. Dick is still frozen behind him.
KENNEDY: And all is right in the world.
SOUND EFFECT: SPLOOSH
edited 12th Jan '12 3:55:03 PM by rumetzen
Ahr river
So, we have our establishing character moments, and the opening scene, I take it that means the plot will be coming along, or is this more of random scenes collected together?
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Plot will be happening after a short bit of exposition to clear up what these people are exactly.
PAGE SIX:
Panel one: Kennedy turns around, and runs smack dab into Dick.
Panel two: Beat
Panel three: Same as above, only Kennedy is speaking
KENNEDY: I remember you.
PAGE SEVEN
Panel one: Dick has turned around, and is now running for his life as fast as he can. Kennedy reaches out to him, shouting
KENNEDY: Hey, come back!
DICK: Get away from me!
Panel two: Dick is still running. He's off the bridge now, with Kennedy hot on his heels.
Panel three: Kennedy leaps through the air and slams into Dick. The panel captures them as their falling to the ground, with Kennedy's arms wrapped around Dick.
KENNEDY: Gotcha!
Panel four: Close up of them lying on the ground, Kennedy on top, holding his arm against Dick's throat. Dick is screaming and making a cross with his fingers.
KENNEDY: Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you!
DICK: Get away from me vampire!
PAGE EIGHT:
Panel one: Beat
Panel two: Kennedy has stood up, and thrown his arms into the air in exasperation.
KENNEDY: Oh come on! I'm not a fucking vampire.
Panel three: Kennedy is now holding his arms in front of him, the way you might if trying to explain a simple concept to a very stupid person.
KENNEDY: Seriously, that's the first thing anyone says. What's with that? Why do people see "immortal" and automatically think "vampire"?
Panel four: Same pose, only now he's facing the opposite direction.
KENNEDY: And if it's not vampire, it's "Demon", or "Witch" or... or fucking Alien! Is it not enough to simply be undying? Mind you, not that I have anything against vampires, they're nice people...
Panel five: Looking over Kennedy's shoulder, we can see that Dick has gotten up and is now running away again.
KENNEDY: Hey, get back here!
PAGE NINE:
Panel one: Kennedy tackling Dick once again.
KENNEDY: Stop running!
Panel two: Looking up at Kennedy as he towers above Dick with his arms crossed, looking sour.
KENNEDY: Are you done? Can we finally have a civil discussion?
DICK: Please don't kill me...
Panel three: Kennedy kneeling down. He's trying to look comforting, but not doing a very good job of it.
KENNEDY: One body is enough for tonight. So why were you trying to rob me?
DICK: You, uh, you looked rich, and, uh, like kind of a wimp, and we needed money.
KENNEDY: For what, drugs?
Panel four: Dick is still nervous, but he's starting to loosen up a bit. Dick has pulled a cigarette out and is lighting it.
DICK: No, my mom's really sick, and...
KENNEDY: Sure, never heard that one before. You smoke?
PAGE TEN:
Panel one: Kennedy is pulling Dick up with one hand, and offering a cigarette with another.
DICK: A little, yeah.
KENNEDY: Good to know you're not a total pussy.
Panel two: They're walking along the street now, Dick slouching uncomfortably, Kennedy resting an arm on Dick's shoulder and lighting his cigarette.
KENNEDY: You've piqued my interest kid, which only means good things for you. Wataya say you help me with a little job I've been planning?
DICK: Will you let me go if I do?
KENNEDY: We'll see kid. We'll see.
edited 12th Jan '12 4:28:55 PM by rumetzen
Lesbarian
Fairly interesting so far. I like the "wrong monster, bitch" thing, always fun to see.
Kennedy seems kinda bipolar. Not that that's a bad thing.
Mura: -flips the bird to veterinary science with one hand and Euclidean geometry with the other-
Ahr river
Yeah, he's certainly not dislikable, but I wouldn't say he's entirely likable. More of neutral at the moment.
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My plan (oh wait I said I wouldn't have a plan) for his character arc is to basically have him overcome an unnamed trauma (related to the source of the various character's immortality) he underwent during the Vietnam War. Before that he was kind of a jerk, but a good person, but afterwards he just became a bastard.
It'll also be jumping around in time a lot in short 1-3 story arcs in between the ones related to the larger story, and he'll usually have differing personalities in each one, though he'll keep the same general traits (Arrogant, varying degrees of asshole-ishness, clever). We'll see how that goes I guess.
PAGE ELEVEN:
Panel one: Mid shot of May, sitting at a clear table in a kitchen. The walls are cluttered with photos, drawings, and other memorabilia. Her arms are spread out in front of her, and she's dressed in a red hoodie, white tank top, and jeans. Her hair is cut short and dyed blood red. Her nose is pierced, and she's wearing several earrings in each ear. *
CAPTION: The next morning.
MAY: We need to do something about Kennedy.
Panel two: Look across from her, where an elderly man and woman (JOHN and BETHANY QUINN, as they're currently called) are sitting. John is reading a newspaper, not looking up, while Bethany is looking at May and drinking a glass of coffee.
JOHN: It's about damn time.
BETHANY: What did he do now dear?
Panel three: Back to May, but at a different angle.
MAY: He killed another guy. If he keeps on like this, he's going to get in trouble with the cops.
Panel four: Bethany has put down her coffee. John is still reading the newspaper, only half interested in what's going on.
JOHN: Why should we care? If the idiot wants to get himself thrown in jail, let him.
Panel five: May is exasperated, rubbing her temple as she tries to get through to them.
MAY: It matters because Texas has the death penalty, and with his body count it's either that or life. When that happens they're going to find out he doesn't die and we're all fucked.
PAGE TWELVE
Panel One: John has put down his newspaper, and is now looking thoughtful. Bethany is taking a swig of coffee and grinning.
JOHN: Do you think they can trace him back to us?
BETHANY: Him and May are known associates. If they do find out, she's going to be in the shit too.
Panel Two: May is leaning forward in her chair now, holding her hands together Gendo-style. John is rubbing his chin.
MAY: And it's not much of a stretch to get you two from me.
JOHN: What do you propose?
Panel Three: Same basic action, from John's angle.
MAY: 50 years in The Hole.
JOHN: You don't think that's a little drastic?
MAY: If anything it's not drastic enough. Kennedy has shown a consistent disregard for the basic rules we've laid out, even after we punish him.
Panel Four: John is getting up from the table and pulling out a cell phone from his pants pocket.
JOHN: Alright, that's fine. I'll call Daigo and let him know he's got a job.
Panel Five: John has walked out of the panel, while May and Bethany keep talking.
BETHANY: How long have you been thinking about this?
MAY: The past three years, ever since he first asked me to help him dump a body.
Panel Six: Bethany glances as the newspaper as she puts her coffee down.
BETHANY: That's a shame. He used to be so nice.
MAY: He's a dick.
edited 12th Jan '12 6:50:55 PM by rumetzen
Ahr river
You misbehave? YOU GET THE HOLE!
You don't clean your room? YOU GET THE HOLE!
You laugh annoyingly? YOU GET THE HOLE!
—cough—
ANYWHO.
Currently, John and Bethany interest me the most.
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PAGE THIRTEEN:
Panel one: Dick and Kennedy are staring at a large gothic mansion. In front of them is an iron gate and wall.
Caption: That night
DICK: What the fuck is this?
KENNEDY: This is the job I told you about.
Panel two: Kennedy has gone up to the gate and is pressing a button on the speaker next to it, while Dick watches.
DICK: Are you sure this is a good idea? I bet there's security all over the place.
KENNEDY: You assume we come uninvited.
KENNEDY (cont): Glenn, it's Kennedy. I have an appointment with Lazarus.
GLENN (from speaker): Ah, Mr. Smith. Good to see you again.
Panel three: The gate has opened and Kennedy is strolling through it. Dick follows, looking nervous. We can see a man standing by the door of the house.
Panel four: They're at the door now, and Kennedy greets the squat, middle aged doorman, JOHN HEIMET
KENNEDY: Hey John.
JOHN: Howdy Mr. Smith!
PAGE FOURTEEN:
Panel one: Kennedy and Dick in the front room of the mansion. It's well lit, and decorated with all sorts of ancient paintings and treasures. Stairs lead to the next floor.
KENNEDY: Alright, so this mansion is owned by a vampire named Lazarus. Very old, very powerful. He has something of mine, and we're going to get it back.
Panel two: They're walking up the large flight of stairs now.
DICK: And why am I here?
KENNEDY: He thinks you're my bodyguard.
DICK: No, why do you need me?
KENNEDY: It's a two man operation. Just do what I tell you.
Panel three: They're at the top of the stairs. Kennedy lights up a cigarette.
DICK: I'm going to die here aren't I?
KENNEDY: Only if you're stupid.
Panel four: They're at a nice wooden door, and Kennedy opens it.
KENNEDY: Just remember, no sudden movements, don't look appetizing, and do what I tell you.
Ahr river
Casual exposition, with no wall of text. That is good. The question is, how do you handle your world building? Because so far, the Vampire is rather generically vampirey. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. There is something to be said for the lair for your typical Dracula archetype.
edited 13th Jan '12 12:43:23 PM by MrAHR
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I'm thinking of something like True Blood. Incredibly strong and fast, able to regenerate and hypnotize people, but nothing like turning into bats or flying.
Ahr river
I never saw True Blood. I lost all interest when two people who religously watched it told me not to, because it was bad. I figured I should trust their opinion.
But those powers seem fine.
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Yeah, vampires aren't really the focus of the series. I just had any idea for how this could lead to a later story arc, so I decided to throw it in.
PAGE FIFTEEN:
Panel one: Switch to an inside view of the room, looking at the door as Kennedy throws it open triumphantly.
KENNEDY: And here we are!
Lazarus (O.S): Why so lighthearted, Mr. Smith? We have business to discuss.
Panel two: Lazarus, a youthful looking, handsome man with short blond hair, dressed in a tuxedo and bowtie, is standing with his arms behind his back. We're looking directly at him, and he's standing in front of a large window, that extends from wall to ceiling. Outside we can see hills, trees, and in the distance, the city.
Lazarus: Sit. Drink. There is much to be done.
Ahr river
Nothing really accomplished in this page, I guess it's mostly for the view?
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o-o
I'm interested.
So wait, is the dead punk out of the story, or is he actually going to be brought up again?
ᐅᖃᐅᓯᖅ ᐊᑕᐅᓯᖅ ᓈᒻᒪᔪᐃᑦᑐᖅ
You'll never know! Nah, he's gone. Dick's the important one.
PAGE SIXTEEN:
Panel one: Kennedy's annoyed at Lazarus' stuffiness, and has walked into the room and is pulling up a chair. Dick stands behind him with his arm crossed, doing a bad job of trying to look tough.
KENNEDY: Always have to be the serious one, don't you?
LAZARUS: I'm merely trying to be a gracious host.
Panel two: Kennedy has sat down in the chair, and flicks his cigarette to the floor.
KENNEDY: Whatever. Do you have the locket?
Panel three: Lazarus has walked over to his desk and is pouring a glass of blood from a crystal bottle..
LAZARUS: Yes, but it sounds to me like you don't fully understand the situation.
Panel four: The "camera" is behind Lazarus as he takes a sip of the blood and looks at Kennedy.
LAZARUS: This is not a negotiation. You do not get to decide what happens. It's entir-
KENNEDY: Did you know you can buy wooden bullets?
Panel five: Close up of Lazarus, looking confused.
LAZARUS: Pardon?
Panel six: Kennedy has quickly pulled out a gun and fire, hitting Lazarus in the shoulder.
LAZARUS: Fuck!
NOTE: I'm a bit unsatisfied with the dialogue in this bit. Your thoughts?
o-o
Ohh.
On the dialogue: Maybe it's Lazarus' reaction to being shot? :p
ᐅᖃᐅᓯᖅ ᐊᑕᐅᓯᖅ ᓈᒻᒪᔪᐃᑦᑐᖅ
Ahr river
Hmmm. I guess it looks a bit As-you-knowish in the beginning, but it doesn't seem particularly bad. It didn't get me excited or anything.
I think it's because this is supposed to be relatively badass, but the dialogue doesn't convey that.
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Lesbarian
It does seem a bit hollow. The "wooden bullets" bit is hilarious though.
Mura: -flips the bird to veterinary science with one hand and Euclidean geometry with the other-
o-o
Yeah, I liked that part too.
ᐅᖃᐅᓯᖅ ᐊᑕᐅᓯᖅ ᓈᒻᒪᔪᐃᑦᑐᖅ
If I'm right, Lazarus' dialogue is supposed to be very formal and Kennedy's more casual? However, I don't feel a lot of tension on the page. I might have to look back at the previous two pages.
But I did found the "wooden bullets" part hilarious. Try splitting it into two panels and see if that improves the timing more.
EDIT: Looking back, it seems like there isn't enough sense of danger. The scene might have to unfold a little, but it might help if Lazarus flaunts a bit of his potential power. Or at least show a bit is more at stake.
edited 15th Jan '12 7:04:34 PM by chihuahua0
Exactly what it says on the tin. I haven't planned this out at all, I'm just writing down ideas as they come. Criticism is appreciated.
ISSUE ONE
PAGE ONE:
Panel one: Splash panel. A close up of KENNEDY SMITH, as he is currently known, a man who looks like he's in his mid 20s, with short black hair and a handsome, confident face. He's holding his hands up in the air, and a revolver is being held up to his face. He's back against a brick wall. It's night.
KENNEDY: Son, you don't want to do this.
PAGE TWO:
Panel one: We are panned out, looking at the action from the side. Kennedy is in an alley, backed up against a wall, and two young punks are accosting him. One is holding the revolver to his head, while the other is standing back, looking nervous. AGGRESSIVE PUNK: Quit mouthing off and hand over your wallet.
KENNEDY: Give me one good reason.
AGGRESSIVE PUNK: Asshole, I got six.
Panel two: Back to Kennedy, who's looking bored at the exchange.
Kennedy: No, you've got heroin withdrawal and an inferiority complex. Shoot me or let me go, you're not getting my money.
Panel three: The punk shoots Kennedy in the face, blowing half his head off.
AGGRESSIVE PUNK: Have it your way.
Panel four: The punk is going through Kennedy's jacket
AP: Dumb fucker died for a couple of bucks. Got what was coming to him, huh Dick?
Panel five: Kennedy's hand shoots up, grabbing AP by the throat. AP: Gack!
KENNEDY (O.S): I wouldn't quite say that.
PAGE THREE
Panel one: Kennedy turns around and spins the punk around, slamming his head into the wall. We can see Kennedy's face is still a mess of blood and gore, but it's beginning to knit itself back together.
KENNEDY: Better men than you have tried and failed. You think you can do better?
AP: Dick, get him offa me!
Panel two: Dick is terrified, and darting out of the alley. KENNEDY: Oh, he's not coming to save you. It's just you and me, friend.
Panel three: Looking at the tops of the buildings, the night lights and scenery above the alley
KENNEDY: And we're going to have so much fun, won't we?
SOUND EFFECT: KRUNCH
AP: AAAAAGH