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Total posts: [29]

A Lone Wolf And A Lousy Day At School - A Mini Series:

 1 Schitzo, Thu, 24th Nov '11 9:26:52 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Hello, Schitzo here. Some of you folks may know me, some of you may not. I'm going to post a (series of) excerpt(s) of a work that a few here may have seen already. It's seen some revisions, and its seen some of its anatomy axed. And to many blahblahblah enough cheesy introductions.

I'll be posting this in about 4 to 5 excerpts, and maybe more if I feel the need to add more content depending on the feedback i get, if I get any feedback. It's all based on This massive saga that's been in holy crap so many years in planning. So without further ado.:

- OCTOBER – Phys Ed. -

(Ash is tackled in a game of flag football by an extremely obnoxious student. It takes about four others to pull him off of Ash as the guy screams in his ear. The student chuckles and high fives a random member of the red team as he walks to their side.

(Ash gets back to his feet and dusts himself off. He looks off to Coach Wallach, but sees that his attention is on another field. A stocky looking kid from the yellow team joins Ash)

MANN: “I thought we were playing Flag Football.”

RUSSELL: “Fag Football’s more like it!”

(A member of the red team comes up from behind them and slaps Ash on the back, hard. He heads back to his side of the field, laughing. Ash straightens himself up again, seething.)

MANN: “I know. Just don’t let them get to you, ok?”

ASH: “… … …”

(On the next play, Ash is the only man open on the field. The quarterback is reluctant to throw to Ash. Before the hammer comes down, he decides to throw)


(Ash is spacing out on the field. He eventually notices the airborne ball. Instead of getting in position to catch, he holds his hand out in front of him, as if to shield his eyes from the sun. The obnoxious guy from before runs in and rams Ash out the way to intercept the ball. The yellow team swears and runs after the guy as he blasts off into the goalline.)

MENDOZA: “WHOO-OO-OO HOO!! Up all your asses! Huh!”

(He slams the ball to the ground and begins to improvise a touchdown dance, ending it with a pelvic thrust. Three members of the Yellow Team dogpile him out of spite. The topmost student pantomimes thrusting. All four laugh)

(Gallardo walks up to Ash and shoves him.)

GALLARDO: “What the fuck is wrong with you, Ashley, you fucking faggot?!”

ASH: “My name is A-“

GALLARDO: “I don’t give a fuck WHAT your name is, catch the fucking ball when I throw it to you!”

ASH: “If it matters that much to you, catch it yourself.”


(The punted ball beans Ash on the shoulder. Ash juggles the ball around clumsily, before he finally clasps it in his hands. Gallardo begins running forward)

GALLARDO: “Now was that so fucking hard?”

(Ash follows Gallardo, but stops as soon as he sees Mendoza plow Gallardo out of the way. Mendoza tries psyching Ash out, jogging, bobbing and weaving in place. Already annoyed, Ash drops his guard and stares.)

MENDOZA: “Oh come on, it’s no fun that way.”

ASH: “Don’t touch me.”

MENDOZA: “What’s the matter? ‘fraid you’d like it?”

(Ash tears off his flags and throws them to the floor.)

MENDOZA: “Pussy…”

(Mendoza shoves Ash and moves back to his side.)

(The ball is snapped to Ash on the next play. Ash naturally has no idea what he’s doing, and Mendoza is ready to pounce.)

MENDOZA: “One alligator two alligator threaligatablabablaba BLITZ!!”

(Out of fright and impulse, Ash throws the ball directly into Mendoza’s face. Mendoza yelps, swerves and collapses on the grass. He writhes on the ground holding on to his face and swearing at Ash. Ash looks on, then averts his eyes in embarrassment)

ASH: “What? What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t about to let you tackle me again.”

MENDOZA: (muffled) “Oh, man the fuck up, Ashley, you fucking bitch!!”

(Ash grabs the ball from off the ground)

ASH: “I didn’t hear you. What did you call me?”

MENDOZA: (muffled) “You heard me, you bitch.”

ASH: “Before that.”

(Mendoza flips Ash off with both hands. His face is glowing red)


(Ash beans Mendoza in the face again. At this Mendoza springs up from off the ground, jumps on Ash and pins him down. Mendoza then whips his fists in a windmill, punching Ash repeatedly ten times. He climbs off of Ash and walks off into the gathering crowd)

MENDOZA: “Fuckin’ Idiot.”

ASH: “I’m still here, asshole.”

(Mendoza freezes at this comment)

MENDOZA: “Oh. No, you didn’t.”

(Mendoza turns around to walk back to Ash)


(Ash was already off the floor when he taunted him. While Mendoza is at mid-gasp, Ash slashes him with an uppercut, flooring him. Before Mendoza can stagger back on both feet, he sees Ash has cocked back his left fist. Mendoza whips his right.)

(The fists collide. After a beat, Mendoza flinches and holds on to his hand.)


(Ash finishes Mendoza off with a straight punch to the nose. Mendoza skids across the grass and is knocked out cold.)

C. WALLACH: “Hey! I saw that! I saw the whole thing!

(Ash massages his right hand. His knuckle is split and bleeding. His forehead’s been cut as well.)

MANN: “Jesus, you broke his nose, Ashley!”

(Ash wipes the blood onto his loaned gym shirt and looks off at Coach Watts, whose attention is finally on his game’s field.)

C. WALLACH: “You come over here right now! We’re going to Dr. Hartman’s office!”

(Ash looks around. Members from both the red team and the yellow team have an unpleasant look on their face. From the corner of his eye, Ash sees Mann. Mann has his hands cupped, mouthing “Run”. Ash backs away and cracks his knuckles. First the left. then the right.)

edited 28th Nov '11 1:06:27 AM by Schitzo

 2 Leradny, Thu, 24th Nov '11 3:45:42 PM from Alameda, CA
Explain the formatting, please?

 3 Schitzo, Thu, 24th Nov '11 6:50:47 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Scriptlike, with the intention of either being filmed or drawn in a graphic novel form. I'd do prose narration, but because the series this stems from takes on so many viewpoints and has multiple protagonists, I can't quite pull it off all that well.
 4 Leradny, Thu, 24th Nov '11 6:54:49 PM from Alameda, CA
Decide on one and then convert to the other when it's finished.

 5 Schitzo, Thu, 24th Nov '11 7:00:33 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman

No word on what's going on what you've read so far?
 6 Leradny, Thu, 24th Nov '11 7:05:05 PM from Alameda, CA
Coherent thoughts will be up tomorrow. I will be critiquing it as if it was a graphic novel script.

 7 Mr AHR, Thu, 24th Nov '11 7:26:40 PM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
MANN: “I thought we were playing Flag Football.” RUSSELL: “Fag Football’s more like it!”

That's a stupid joke.

I like it!

No seriously, it's got some sort of idiot narm charm to it, that only comes from high schoolers.

Mendoza is supposed to be an asshole, obviously, and you're certainly pulling out the appropriate stops. I'd say a bit stereotypical, but I don't know if there is anything wrong with that. He's being an asshole because he's an asshole, not because he's a jock person stereotype thing. If that makes sense.

(Out of fright and impulse, Ash throws the ball directly into Mendoza’s face. Mendoza yelps, swerves and collapses on the grass. He writhes on the ground holding on to his face and swearing at Ash. Ash looks on, then averts his eyes in embarrassment)

...can a ball like that really hurt that much? —never really played school sports—

Now, after this interaction, Mendoza kinda muffles himself. This interaction puzzles me. Either I am missing something, or you need to clarify more. What confuses me is I don't understand why he would do that, when he was cocky otherwise.

MENDOZA: “Oh. No, you didn’t.”

Unfortunately, this line has been stolen by sassy black women. I'd advise a different term, since this seems more humorous than IMGOINGTOKILLYOU

And fight! Fairly basic, nothing too stupid, if they are football players there might be more tackling involved, but that is a wildly inaccurate guesstimate by myself.

So, Ash is clearly really strong, but hides it, and gets bullied. Unless he doesn't hide it, in which case, Mendoza is a fucking idiot.

 8 Schitzo, Thu, 24th Nov '11 7:43:23 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
The stupid joke was deliberately done as "tribute" to the "faggot and retard is an insult for everything" crowd, so yeah.

  • Dodgeball: Meh, shrug it off
  • Volleyball: ow, nigga.
  • Football: A combination of texture, pointiness and an unnecessarily stiff hide make footballs hurt like a bitchwhore.
  • Baseball:    YOU ARE DIED   
But yeah, if anything, the football hurts because it was thrown as he was charging towards Ash. yep.

You forget, AHR, he's holding on to his face and rolling around in pain. That's why Mendoza's muffling.

Sassy Black Woman was deliberate. These kids are wanna be thug gangsters. They WILL make people cringe due to their posturing.

These are snot nosed brats in a Phys Ed class, not football players. Well, except for one of them, but he's remedial. Anyways, bareknuckle brawling it is.

Lets just say Ash is no stranger to getting bullied. If he doesn't have the build to be a one man atom bomb, he has the experience and the knowhow.

edited 24th Nov '11 7:47:20 PM by Schitzo

 9 Schitzo, Sat, 26th Nov '11 12:07:23 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Here comes the next episode of this revision. You can get a link to the character sheet in the opening post, as well as some concept designs of the characters (a work in progress, actually)


(Ash is running for dear life inside the campus halls. He swerves around a corner and bumps into a group of people before picking up speed. Ash is being pursued by four students: Gallardo, Russell, Tran and Alvarez, who are bumbling because of their numbers. Ash spots a restroom and runs inside. The four follow.)

ALVAREZ: “Oh, Aaaashleeeeey…”

(The four scan the bathroom. He’s nowhere to be seen. Nowhere obvious.)

GALLARDO: “We just want to talk, Ashley.”

RUSSELL: “Yeah, Ashley, nothin’s wrong.”

(The group sees someone’s feet inside one of the stalls. Tran winds up and boots the door open)


(Ash has tackled Tran from a wall jump just inside the stall. Once everyone dominos, Ash scrambles over the four and throws a trashcan onto them before heading out of the bathroom)

(Word of a fight is spreading across the hall. Upon hearing this, he runs faster towards the front exit. From the other end of the hall, Mendoza can be seen glowering. He charges towards Ash. Having too much momentum to stop now, Ash braces himself for a joust. Mendoza readies a shoulder tackle, while Ash responds with a flying drop kick.)

(The bodies collide, and both rebound into opposite locker walls. Before Mendoza and Ash can get back up, Tran, Russell, Alvarez and Gallardo catch up.)

(A ring of students has formed around the six fighters. They pump their fists and chant “fight” in unison. Having little recourse now, Ash targets Mendoza and launches a right hook at his crooked nose.)

(A miss. Mendoza’s dodge throws Ash off balance. Mendoza then grabs Ash and places him in a Full Nelson Hold. Once he locks the hold, Russell, Gallardo and Alvarez immediately go to work on Ash. One pummels Ash in the ribs, while the other two punch his abdomen. Russell only has enough room to taunt Ash.)

(All three then wind up a punch to strike in unison. At this, Ash shouts and jumps up, placing his feet on a shoulder each. Ash then pushes off of them and falls backwards, with Mendoza breaking his fall. Ash rolls off of Mendoza, gets on his feet and drives his fist downward into the fallen Mendoza’s forehead. One scream of pain later, and Mendoza is out cold)

(The chanting of the ring of students has gone silent. Ash’s breathing has gotten heavy, and his eyes are fixed in a cold glare.)

(The chant of “Fight!” explodes in volume. The four are hesitant to attack Ash, not wanting to be on the receiving end of his punches. Tran, who’s behind Ash, finally takes initiative and rushes in for a takedown. Ash whips his foot behind him, decking Tran in the gut. He follows up with an uppercut so raw, it sends him into a short crowd dive out of the ring.)

(As soon as Tran lands, Alvarez and Gallardo attempt to sandwich Ash by punching him simultaneously from opposite sides. Ash drops on a knee, successfully dodging and causing Alvarez and Gallardo to collide their fists together. Ash grabs the stunned two by their heads and slams them together twice, knocking them out)

(Russell is attempting to run from the fight, but the ring of students shoves him back into the fray, shouting “pussy”. As soon as he sees Ash facing him, he puts his guard up)

RUSSELL: “A-Ashley, w-we were just playing foo’, we were just –“

(The students shove Russell towards Ash. With a yell, Ash blasts Russell with a boot to the chest back into the wall of students, toppling over half of them down in a chain reaction. Ash exits the ring, only to be knocked back inside by a stray fist.)

(The new challenger is Rick Beaumont, a varsity football player. He steps inside the ring with Ash.)

RICK: “You must be Ashley. They told me you’d be a lot more built.”

(Ash gets back up and dusts himself off)

RICK: “Cesar’s not too fond of people picking on his brat brother Armando, even me.”

(Ash glances at the fallen Mendoza, and then faces Rick in a fighting stance.)


(Rick cracks his knuckles)

RICK: “First thing’s first.”


(Ash charges at Rick, screaming at the top of his lungs. Rick evades Ash’s first two strikes by holding his head at arms length. Ash violently uppercuts his arm off and follows up with a clothesline)

(Rick dodges it and tries grappling Ash into a Half Nelson. Before he can lock the hold, Ash swings his heel down into Rick’s toe, causing him to loosen his grip. He follows it up with a left elbow to the abdomen, backhand to the face and a right straight, flooring Rick)

(Smiling, Rick wipes off his mouth and gets back up. Ash screams and charges again, but Rick’s right hand intercepts his left hook. Ash launches his right, but it’s caught at the shoulder. Rick now forces Ash into a grapple.)

(Ash is still screaming in rage as they grapple. After a beat, Rick brings his knee up and nails Ash in the abdomen, silencing him. Rick follows up with two body blows and then a vertical axe swing to the spine, driving Ash floorward. Ash vomits blood and collapses on the floor)

(Rick wipes the scream phlegm off of his face and kneels next to Ash.)

RICK: “Ooh no. Don’t start taking this the wrong way, now.”

(He picks up Ash by the collar and pins him to a locker wall. Ash can barely keep his head up and no student in the ring is cheering now.)

RICK: “I just did you a favor. I beat you up so that Cesar doesn’t need to. Believe me, you’re better off.”

(Ash wipes the blood from his mouth. His thumb is bloodstained.)

RICK: “Just apologize to Armando and we’ll pretend this whole thing never happened.”

ASH: “… … …”

(Ash gives Rick a thumbs up. However, he then drives his thumb into Rick’s ear and grinds it in, giving him a bloody wet willie. The crowd jeers in unison at this. Ash finishes and looks at Rick's wince)

ASH: "Heh heh heh heh... EH HEH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"

(Rick's furious face is the last thing Ash sees before he's knocked out)
 10 Schitzo, Mon, 28th Nov '11 10:21:10 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman


(A boy around the age of 8 is struggling with a video game, letting loose the occasional insult and futilely shaking his controller up and down in an effort to make his avatar do what he wants it to do. When the game over jingle plays, he lets out an exasperated roar and slams the controller on his lap.)

(The boy’s brother walks in the room to check in on the commotion.)

TONY: Having some trouble, Ash?

ASH: What’s with this guy?!

TONY: Ah… This guy. Here, let me see that.

(Ash hands his brother the controller. He tilts the controller to show Ash his fingerwork, looking at the screen all the while. Ash eagerly exchanges glances between the screen and the controller)

TONY: Look at this. Hit him just as he’s about to land, and then retreat. See?

(Ash nods, his eyes still darting. The relief in his eyes is gone when he sees Tony enter a menu that resets the stage. He’s handed the controller.)

ASH: H-hey, come on! Beat him!

TONY: No way, Bro. You’re the one playing right now. Can’t just take that away from you, now can I?

(Tony ruffles Ash’s hair and heads for his room)

TONY: Give ‘em hell, Bro.

(Ash unpauses the game and starts playing again. The vacuumlike sound of energy charging drowns out the game’s background score.)
 11 Schitzo, Mon, 28th Nov '11 11:02:00 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman


(Ash spasms awake and finds himself in the Nurse’s Office.)

MS. RAMIREZ: You alright, mijo?

(Groggy and still in his loaned Phys Ed uniform, Ash turns to face the nurse. Once he does, he notices his lack of righthand peripheral vision. Ash feels his face and finds gauze over his right eye)

Ms. RAMIREZ: “Ah-ah, Don’t touch it. Don’t worry, your eye’s still there, but it’s not a pretty sight.”

ASH: “… … …”

(The nurse hands Ash a stapled paper bag.)

MS. RAMIREZ: “Here’s the list of pharmaceuticals you’ll need, and some eyedrops for later. Can you walk, mijo?”

ASH: “… I have an eyepatch?”

RAMIREZ: “uh huh.”

ASH: “Cool.”

(The nurse sighs)

RAMIREZ: “Head to the principals office, kid. Mr. Hartman’s waiting for you.”

(Ash climbs off the bed and wobbles out the door)

(Ash wanders inside the corners of the Attendance Office. He soon sees Hartman’s door, Not only is it locked, two voices can be heard arguing)

C. WALLACH: “… not listening to me, Hal!”

HARTMAN: “I’m sorry, Thomas, but Beaumont here should have used better judgment.”

WALLACH: “Better judgment? What about that crazy kid?!”

HARTMAN: “Will you keep your voice down?”

WALLACH: *exhale* “Are we going to ruin our first game of the year thanks to one minor indiscretion by some pencil neck?”

RICK: “Pencil neck?!”

WALLACH: “Not you, Beaumont!”

HARTMAN: “What’s still bugging me is Beaumont’s involvement in this. Rick doesn’t know that Mendoza kid, does he?

WALLACH: “He’s Cesar’s brother, and was part of Junior Varsity.”

HARTMAN: “Was, Tom. Armando is in a remedial P.E. class now, and Rick and Cesar are in Varsity. That neither explains nor excuses Beaumont.”

WALLACH: “Why are you doing this to me? … Well?”

RICK: “Do you seriously want to hear my lousy excuse?”

WALLACH: “Of course! Make something up! Any…”

(Ash backs away from the door. He hears familiar voices from the adjacent door.)

edited 28th Nov '11 11:05:37 PM by Schitzo

 12 Schitzo, Mon, 28th Nov '11 11:05:52 PM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
ARMANDO: “… slammed me into a wall. Oh god, it was horrible!”

(The door is open. Ash peers inside and leans against the doorway to overhear the conversation. While Armando sheds crocodile tears, Dr. Peltzer listens on with a bored look on his face)

ARMANDO: “A-and then, h-he picked me up *sniff* a-and then… he threw me again!”

(Armando looks over to the door)

ARMANDO: “O-oh shit…!” (He cowers)

DR. PELTZER: “Ah, Ashley… Heredia, was it?

ASH: “Ash is fine.”

PELTZER: I take it Dr. Hartman was occupied, wasn’t he? Come, take a seat.”

(Ash takes the seat next to Armando. Although Ash is blind from the right, he can already feel Armando glaring at him.)

(Dr. Peltzer arranges folders and papers)

PELTZER: “Now lets just, ah, take a look at your file here…”

(Dr. Peltzer flips through the pages.)

PELTZER: “Hmm… Interesting…”

(Dr. Peltzer alternates his attention between Ash and his file, and then between Ash and Armando, as if comparing them)

PELTZER: “Well! It says here I’m looking an Honors student. And with a 3.5 GPA no less!

(He looks at Armando’s bandaged nose, which is caked with clotted blood)

PELTZER: “I wouldn’t think you’d have it in you just by the look of you.”

ASH: “No one ever does.”

PELTZER: “But, you realize, of course that having the ability to cripple your fellow students isn’t something you should feel proud of.”

ASH: “Who says I was gloating?”

PELTZER: “He does, apparently.”

ASH: “You’re taking his word over mine?”

PELTZER: “Well, we haven’t exactly heard your side of the story, now have we? Care to enlighten us?”

(Ash sighs and shakes his head)

ASH: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I don’t even believe it myself.”

PELTZER: “Let me make something clear to you, Ash. No one here’s out to get you.”

ASH: “That’s reassuring.”

PELTZER: “Excuse me?”

ASH: “Am I being punished?”

PELTZER: “Of course you are.”

ASH: “Why?”

PELTZER: “Ash, look at him. You were obviously more than willing to fight.”

ASH: “I was willing to defend myself and that’s not the same thing!”

ARMANDO: “Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch, you started it!!”

PELTZER: “Armando, There will be no talking out of turn here.”


PELTZER: “No changing your story, either. Now sit down and restrain yourself. Ash?”

ASH: “I didn’t throw the first punch. I threw a football, but not the first punch.”

ARMANDO: “He threw it twice!”

(Peltzer stands up and pounds his desk)

PELTZER: “You! Outside, voice down, now! You’ll be dealt with separately.”

(Armando stands up and heads out. As he passes Ash, he gives him an I’m Watching You gesture. Ash eyebrows back at him.)

(Peltzer sits back down, exhales and folds his hands.)

PELTZER: “Don’t you know better than that, Ash? When we say “learn to fight your own battles, ” we don’t mean that literally.”

ASH: “I have a question, Dr. Peltzer.”


ASH: “Say, hypothetically, all this took place outside school premises, or five years from now, at work, or in public, in an adults world. At the slightest hint of trouble from these guys, if I inform the proper authorities, they’d be arrested on the spot for harassment and assault?”

PELTZER: “In theory.”

ASH: “In theory, in an adults world.”

(Ash leans forward)

ASH: “But we’re not in an adults world, are we?”

(Dr. Peltzer pauses at this, then leans back on his chair)

PELTZER: “Regardless, this campus has a Zero Tolerance policy for violence.”

ASH: “Zero tolerance policy? Then what are he and his kind still doing here? I’ve seen them sent here before for the same thing, and for worse!”

PELTZER: “Because even delinquents like you have redeeming features, Ash.”

ASH: “… … …”

PELTZER: “You’ve proven that by being one of the few contributing to our school’s overall GPA. … Hey, what’s that look for?”

ASH: “Likewise.”

PELTZER: “… … …”

ASH: “If you’re not gonna resolve any of this, just get this over with. I’m tired, and everything you’d said up to this point I’ve already heard rephrased, thousands of times.”

PELTZER: “Honestly Ash, you surprise me. You seem like a good enough kid. But, well… this is the first time in my long life that I’ve seen such brutality, and I’ve been to war.”

ASH: “… … …”

(Peltzer scribbles on a referral)

PELTZER: “It’s a full week’s detention, Ash. You know when and where.”

ASH: “No, I don’t.”

(Peltzer hands out the slip)

PELTZER: “Eastern Quad, Room 210, from 3:15 to 5:30. Don’t be late.”

(Ash takes the referral and walks out the door.)

PELTZER: “Don’t let this happen again, Ash.”

ASH: “Ugh…”

ARMANDO: “See you in detention, mother fucker! Thug Life!”

PELTZER: “We’re not finished, Mr. Mendoza. Come inside and for God’s sake, behave yourself.”

(Armando mutters as he enters back inside)
 13 Mr AHR, Tue, 29th Nov '11 7:11:39 AM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
Don't let the silence fool you, I am reading, I'm just trying to figure out when to make judgments. That's the problem with scenes like this, if you jump in too early, you're making premature judgments.

So is there anything specifically you want commented on?
 14 Schitzo, Tue, 29th Nov '11 7:18:28 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Don't worry: The one big post was split into 3 or 4 so that people have enough to digest instead of it Teel Dearing. There are 4 or 5 more major posts before I conclude this character's story arc.

if you can, comment on:

1. The hallways fight scene

2. The flashback dream

3. the dialogue in the offices

4. what you think of the characters so far

5. whether or not anything makes any sense so far

6. favorite lines so far

7. anything you didn't like.

8. What you think this needs, or what you'd like to see in the future for this series in the making

edited 29th Nov '11 7:22:22 AM by Schitzo

 15 Schitzo, Wed, 30th Nov '11 6:49:49 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
I think it's here where my writing takes a turn for the derp, and I still haven't come up with a good substitute for it. This merely serves as build up for the next massive final battle.


(After changing out of his P.E. clothes and getting his assignments for the day, Ash swings by the detention block and looks on through the door. Looks like this is a full house. A lot of people must get in trouble in this school. Ash walks in and takes the only seat left, one right next to Sylvia.)

(Ash surveys the room. Behind him are four of the five Ash had beaten up earlier today. They glare and each flash a gang sign. To Ash’s right is a trio of nerds. Charlie is correcting a test. Perhaps someone cheated off his test? Behind the nerds are five of the school’s burnouts. Ralph salutes Ash. Ash nods back. To Ash’s left is Sylvia, who has a window seat.)

(Ash lets his glance linger on Sylvia a bit. Sylvia looks bored out of her mind. While she leans her head on her right hand, she writes lines as punishment with her left. Her paper reads “My opinion is a privilege, not a right”, over and over. She has a lollipop in her mouth. Cherry flavor probably, judging by the pink on the wet end of the stick)

(Sylvia takes notice of Ash and glances back at him. Ash quickly faces forward, then slowly looks back again.)

(Their eyes meet. Sylvia chuckles at Ash’s eyepatch and winks her right eye. Not knowing what to make of the gesture, Ash faces forward again)

(Dr. Hartman, who’s overseeing this detention, reads a pulp novel. Ash decides to pull out a book of his own. He cracks open his algebra book and get to work. However, he succumbs to boredom by his third problem. Ash lays his head down to rest)

(Ash feels something hit the back of his head. He bolts his head up and looks back. Gallardo is throwing eraser bits here and there, saving the biggest ones for Ash. Tran laughs at Ash. Ash looks to the front, only to see Hartman has fallen asleep with his book covering his face. A blind eye if there ever was one.)

(Ash hears a small ruckus to his right. Fonzie and Zack in the back exchange smoking pieces, a hollowed apple and a modified kazoo, with Rocio and Dave who are in the front. The Count reads one of Charlie’s more risqué graphic novels, giggling every time he flips the page. Ralph blares his headphones full blast and makes out with Kimberly. Noisily.)

(To his left, Sylvia has begun licking her popsicle playfully, and goes so far as to make noises. Odd ones.)

(All this is beginning to make Ash uncomfortable. Worst of all, Dr. Hartman has started snoring. To distract himself, Ash pulls out his game boy. The batteries are dead… The game doesn’t even get past the title screen.)

(Eraser bits are getting stuck in Ash’s hair and spitball marks are forming on his shirt. Ash looks back again. All four of the bullies twiddle their thumbs. Russell shrugs and mouths “what?”)

(Ash starts to cough. The room has been filing with Marijuana smoke. Ash looks to his right and sees the ruckus has gotten louder. Both people from the nerds and stoners have formed a circle around Ralph and Kimberly, and Kimberly can be heard groaning pleasurably from within. Although the view is obscured, Ralph is tall enough to be seen rocking back and forth in sync to the circle’s chanting and stamping. All chant “Go!” faster and faster until Kimberly screams. Ralph pumps a fist in the air and everyone applauds.

(Sylvia’s noises also turn onto pleasured groans. She closes her eyes and starts moving the popsicle in and out of her mouth, smearing it everywhere. Ash, well aware of what’s going on from the corner of his eye, tries doing his homework again. Before he can complete a problem, the pencil breaks. Sylvia begins to breathe heavily as she eats her popsicle, batting her eyelids rapidly the faster she moves it in and out)

(A knife thrown from the back of the room plants itself on the whiteboard. It had just missed Ash. Not only does Hartman not hear it, he seems to have fallen off the chair, dead asleep on the floor. When Ash looks back, the bullies cough, pointing towards the burnouts’ side of the room, but their laughter is obvious. Ash shakes his head in disgust)

(Sylvia’s breathing now turns into gasps for air. Much of the popsicle has melted onto her desk, and Sylvia traces her lips with it, smearing more of it on her cheeks. As she twirls it on the tip of her tongue, she grins at Ash)

(Aroused and annoyed, Ash gives Sylvia a murderous look. He seems to be aware of the whole room now. More people have entered inside the circle to the right, and three voices can be heard, one of them muffled. Arroyo prepares to throw a ninja star. And Sylvia keeps on eating her popsicle, this time making gagging sounds as she peeks at Ash through one eye. Ash has had enough. He slams his desk with both fists.)

(All activity in the room stops. It wakes up even Hartman)


(Sylvia giggles, takes out her popsicle and points it at Ash)

ASH: “… … …”

(She brings it back and points it at herself. After a beat, Sylvia bites down hard on the popsicle, mauling it off)

edited 30th Nov '11 6:50:21 AM by Schitzo

I like it so far, but I am confused about something: Is Ash's name actually Ashley? I know it can be a male name, but I am not sure.

Forgive me for being stupid.
 17 Schitzo, Wed, 30th Nov '11 6:56:55 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Ashley is the name that's on rollcall. Chalk it up to formalities with identity/ soc security cards rending that into his official name. Because of years of this name being used in a mocking tone, Ash(ley) is more or less A Boy Named Sue.

Ash's concept art.

edited 30th Nov '11 6:58:25 AM by Schitzo

 18 Schitzo, Thu, 1st Dec '11 6:45:50 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
(Ash bolts his head up and looks around. All the seats are empty and the room is dark. He looks to Sylvia’s seat. The stick she left behind is that of a lollipop, not a popsicle. So that means…)

(Ash had slept through his detention and dreamt the whole thing. As he gathers his stuff, he notices his arms have been written on. Along with several profanities and penis drawings, his left forearm reads “We’re Outside.”)

(Ash gets up and looks out the window. The morning wood he’s sporting makes it hard to walk around. He sees Gallardo and Russell pacing back and forth by the Eastern side of the school. Gallardo looks at his watch, while Russell points to the direction of downtown)

(Ash might make it out of here yet. He heads for the door and opens it slowly to reduce the hinge creaks. He looks both ways, then steps, cautious but swift, towards the front door.)

(Locked… The door has been chained together. Ash hears footsteps on the opposite side of the hall behind him)


(Ash flinches and curses under his breath. There’s some slight laughter in Cesar’s next words)

CESAR: “I’ve heard all about you, foo’. My little brother Armando? He’s in love with you, man. I know it, because he hasn’t fucked your shit up yet! So I’m about to do it for him.”

(Ash’s closes his eye as his breathing deepens. His fists clench and unclench.)

CESAR: “Kneel down and pray, Ashley, and let me know when you’re ready to die.”

(Ash punches the front door with his left. His eye opens, bloodshot)


(His fighting spirit reawakened, Ash’s screams echo across the hall, He turns and charges full speed ahead towards Cesar. Cesar gets into his fighting stance and cocks back his fist)

CESAR: “You scream like a little girl, Ashley! And youse about to get FUCKED like one! BACK THAT ASS U—”

(9 more guys are drawn into the source of the noise. When they come to, they all share a collective gasp and scattered swears at the sight they behold. Ash stands over their leader Cesar, with his foot pressed against his neck. Ash himself looks absolutely frightening. He has a bloody nose, and a menacing grin that widens with each breath. His eyepatch only adds to the horror.)

(As if to put out a cigarette, Ash rubs his foot on Cesar and steps off, heading for the next nine. He extends his left hand out to rattle the padlocks on the locker walls. There’s no fear in his face, only bloodlust.)

(Those new amongst the hunting party begin to lose their nerve. A guy in front jumps the gun and runs over to meet Ash head on. He manages to tackle Ash down to the floor, but upon finding two of his punches ignored, is met with one of Ash’s own. While the kid reels back, clutching on to his face, Ash gets up, finishes him off with a left body blow and throws him onto the locker walls on the left.)

(Two other guys had closed in while Ash was busy. Ash manages to uppercut the second guy in front of him. Upon being grabbed by the third guy behind him, Ash squirms around, butting the guy twice with the back of his head. A fourth hood attempts to sucker punch Ash, but Ash manages to lead the grappler into it instead, knocking him out. Ash congratulates the guy’s cheap shot with a kick to the groin)

(The fifth guy jumps into the fray by tossing sucker punch boy into Ash. While Ash tries to hold his ground, the fifth guy connects with a hook from behind the fourth guy’s dead weight, spinning Ash about face. The guy drops his human shield and prepares a right straight. Ash spins clockwise, parries the straight punch with his own right hand and smashes the guy in the back of the head with a left hook)

(Ash looks to what’s left of the group as he holds on to the kneeling and stunned hood’s arm. Arroyo, Gallardo, Russell and Tran have been acting cautious this whole time by hiding in the back ranks. Ash shakes his head as he gives the fifth guy one last hook to the head, leaving him out cold.)

(He walks in between the four that are left and wipes the blood off his nose. Everyone is cautious, and scared to go first. They circle Ash for ten seconds, until Ash loosens his fighting stance and drops his guard. An insulting gesture all its own. Tran scoffs)

TRAN: “What the hell?! Get hi—ULGH!”

(Ash rams him out of the circle with a shoulder tackle and keeps on running. Arroyo, Gallardo and Russell follow, trampling Tran in the process.)

(Ash’s bloody nose is making him groggy. He won’t last much longer at this rate. Ash turns into a corner and waits behind it. As soon as he hears footsteps closing in, Ash dashes in and boots the first guy that arrives, Arroyo. His knockback trips everyone else. Ash picks up Arroyo, knees him twice and throws him headfirst into a trash can. If it were full, it would have cushioned his fall.)

(Gallardo punches Ash in the back of the head. He falls to his knees)


(Ash grabs Arroyo’s left sneaker and whips it at Gallardo by the shoe string, branding his face with a footprint. Ash follows up with a straight punch to the solar plexus. It blasts him against a locker wall. Ash finishes him off with a straight punch to the face so fierce, it opens a locker or two from the impact)

(Ash drops to his knees again, hyperventilating from the rush. He gets up and, hearing footsteps behind him, whips his fist in a backhand behind him. It connects with Russell’s nose. Russell plops face forward and out cold. Ash, noticing something is strapped to his back, reaches back and pulls it off.)

(A Kick Me sign… A kick me sign was strapped to Ash’s back this whole time. Ash begins to shred the page in annoyance, but then decides to stuff the scraps up his nose to stop the bleeding.)

(As Ash gathers his things and looks for an exit, he takes a good look at the chaos that took place. Some of the blood here and there belongs to them. Most of it belongs to Ash)

(He finds an open door and limps home before it gets too dark.)

Concept art for this segment of the story

edited 13th Dec '11 7:12:00 AM by Schitzo

 19 Schitzo, Tue, 13th Dec '11 12:54:35 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman


(At his study desk, Ash attempts to bandage his trembling, blood caked hands to no avail. Ash tries to get his left hand to wrap his right, then to wrap the right with his left. No use. The roll of gauze falls through Ash’s fingers like water through a strainer.)

(Ash decides to get back to his math homework. However, the shaking won’t allow him to write clearly, let alone hold a pencil at all. The pencil vaults off of his hand, clatters about and rolls off the desk and into the dark of the room)

ASH: …Uuurgh!

(Ash slams himself into his bed and shuts his eyes, before opening them again and noticing his game console under the glow of his television set. He turns it on and starts playing a simple platformer.)

(Or tries to, at least. Ash’s numb hands don’t press what he wants when he wants to. He mashes buttons, claps his hands against the face buttons, and slams the controller on his bed over and over until he finally throws it off the bed. He wraps himself inside his blankets and seethes himself to sleep, not even bothering to shut off his tv)

edited 13th Dec '11 1:00:35 AM by Schitzo

 20 Schitzo, Tue, 13th Dec '11 12:56:07 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman


(It’s finally Monday, and Ash stands on the sidewalk opposite of the school’s entrance doors, hesitant, and seemingly inviting the campus itself into a staring contest. He raises his stiff, bandaged right hand in front of him and looks at the school through his fingers. They’re still shaky, and they’ve only just begun to heal.)

(In reaction to the school’s starting bell, Ash mentally crushes the campus. The clenching of his fist is accompanied by several sickening cracks and pops.)

ASH: Tch.

(Ash and moves onward, putting on some headphones to drown out anything and everything as he enters inside.)


(When brings his head up and looks forward, Ash stops suddenly enough to nearly sway out of balance at the sight he beholds. About two classrooms worth of students are lined up on both sides of the hall, with a building applause and an increasingly loud chant of “Ashley”. The look in Ash’s face and the slight chuckle that ensues from him is equal parts frustration, flabbergastedness, and oddly enough, nostalgia. He walks forward as the crowd parts itself, and he raises the volume of his player to max. Not that it helps. Not with this crowd.)

(Two girls on the leftmost wall of people push themselves to the front, and one of them separates from the pair to prance over to the rightmost wall. Both face Ash and flash him. As Ash squeezes past them, the two sandwich him and kiss him on a cheek each.)

ASH: …

(Something catches Ash’s eye, and he looks to the left. Sylvia’s tending to her locker, paying no attention whatsoever to the uproar going on. She’s wearing a massive pair of headphones, which she’s probably wearing for the express purpose of showing the whole world just how much of a damn she gives)

(Distracted, Ash runs headfirst into something and falls backwards onto the floor. The crowd grows silent at this. When Ash looks forward, he sees Rick in what seems to be a cast and crutches, struggling to pick himself up off the floor. Ash gets up and, after giving it some thought, offers his better hand to Rick.)

(Rick swats it away, and at this the crowd roars at Ash to “Fuck Him Up.” Ash shakes his head in disgust, squeezes past the mob and runs off to his first class.)

Concept Art of Sylvia


edited 18th Dec '11 6:41:58 PM by Schitzo

 21 Mr AHR, Tue, 13th Dec '11 7:09:09 AM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
The action was good, but the ending made me kind of go "wut"

What was your intention with it?
 22 Schitzo, Tue, 13th Dec '11 7:23:12 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
  • 1. The crowd that forms is one of those "fifteen minutes of fame" crowds. A fickle following that'll forget about Ash in a week. Based on the look on Ash's face, this has happened to him before, and more than once. He's trying his best not to give them fodder. Maybe I should add a flashback sequence?
  • 2. Rick had come back from the weekend with a career ending wound, apparently from the game he was supposed to play the day of Ash's confrontation. This is going to be one lousy year for him, if the fickleness of this crowd is as bad as it looks here.
  • 3. Ash gets an increasing interest in Sylvia, which to be honest, I've yet to write a good story arc on them both. I'm working on them.

What irked you about this, AHR?

edited 13th Dec '11 7:25:41 AM by Schitzo

 23 Tidal Wave 17, Tue, 13th Dec '11 8:06:21 AM Relationship Status: Singularity
I really loved this. I can picture it all perfectly in my head! I'll admit the violence does get a bit absurd at points, but I assume that was your intention.

I can't wait for more. waii

Also, and I just thought of this: Would you mind if I tried to do some fanart of Ash and Sylvia?

 24 Schitzo, Tue, 13th Dec '11 10:27:38 AM from Akumajou Dracula Relationship Status: LA Woman, you're my woman
Thanks a lot, Tidal! And by all means, give it a try :D
 25 Mr AHR, Tue, 13th Dec '11 12:23:40 PM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
Wasn't irked, more of puzzled. The girls with the sign "do me" struck me as a bit too over the top, even by the standards set. Perhaps this is just me, being über feminist though. However, it might be redeemed if you make some sort of running gag out of the girls, maybe? I don't know.
Total posts: 29

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