Is Acceptance of Death Okay?

Recently my oldest dog died. We had her for almost ten years before her death, I would've been 8/9ish at the time we got her. Anyway, she died in my arms, with my mum beside me crying up a storm and I felt...nothing?

It was strange, when the life finally left her eyes she started having muscle spasms and I was more worried about her kicking mum or one of the pots over then the fact that she had just died.

I'm not repressing my feelings either. When my father died I repressed it for years, so trust me when I Say I know how that feels.

This was more like being content with it. My logical side says that everything dies, to go into depression about it each time something dies would be silly.

But on an emotional level I feel...confused? Shouldn't losing something so close to me feel more, for lack of a better word, depressing?

or is it okay to be this content with the natural order and I've just been fretting over nothing?

edited 21st Nov '11 4:06:58 AM by thatguythere47

It's all right to accept the inevitability of death; in fact, that's a good sign that you're getting wiser. Of course, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do anything you can to prevent it, but it does mean that you're getting the serenity to understand that it's not always possible.

If you felt nothing, then you felt nothing. Logical acceptance of the inevitability of death doesn't mean the absence of an emotional response to loss. It's not necessarily a bad thing that you weren't sad, but it may say something about how much you really cared for the dog.

I really don't know how to respond to this, actually.

I couldn't say whether or not such a response is psychologically strange, but it is socially abnormal...

(Sorry for the dog, too. )

Psychopathy.

Usually sadness over death... is actually fear of one´s own death.

I find your use of Spock as a avatar strangely appropriate OP. Allow to me quote the recent movie:

edited 21st Nov '11 11:36:37 AM by joeyjojo

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the acceptance of death. And it is not Psychopathy. There is a difference between accepting and realizing a natural part of existence and then intentionally seeking that. You are not being intentional, you are being real.

If it were a human, and not a pet, do you think you would feel differently? Especially since you have experience with that regretfully.

I am very at peace with the deaths of myself and my loved ones. I will do all that I can to prevent it, or at least make their transition as painless and blissful as possible. But I am watching my father die slowly on me. I don't want his death. But if his pain worsens, then I know I will rather my father sleep peaceful away from me then continued to wake in eternal constant pain.

I've argued that there's something wrong with the acceptance of death, but it's just as easy to argue that there's something wrong with me. If I am ever in a position to prevent you from dying, I will attempt to do so, and so long as you would do the same, I can't criticize you.

I had a similar experience with my cat last year. It was surprisingly easy to move on. I partially attributed it to being relieved that his suffering was over though. His last month or so weren't exactly pleasant.

In a general sense though, I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting death. There's nothing wrong with fighting death either. I can respect both standpoints. There might be something wrong with ignoring death though.

Personally I think it's the cause of death that matters with accepting it. If the dog was over 10 years old you know it's time was nigh. Now if it was 3 and hit by a car, then it would be harder to accept.

It's like when my grandmother passed away. I accepted that easily because she wasn't suffering anymore (living with Alzheimer's isn't living, just existing). I don't know what's on the other side of the death barrier, but it has to be better than her condition was on this side.

It's not only ok, but it's a good thing.

You have an invaluable strength in you that most others do not in accepting death without emotion. It leaves less burdens on you to have less intimate connections.

It is improbable to accept your own ceasing of existence without emotion. Unless you've never had emotions.

Edit: Thanks mod.

edited 22nd Nov '11 10:12:50 PM by PinkHeartChainsaw

[[Hamlet Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them?]]

edited 22nd Nov '11 9:21:16 PM by joeyjojo

PHC, please stop making statements of your opinion as though they were incontrovertible fact, and assuming that your experience/belief is necessarily universal.

Someone once said that "It's a poor thing to fear the inevitable". Of course, I'm pretty sure that someone wasn't dying when they said it.

Accept Death? Sure. Mourn the individual who suffered Death? Yeah, do that. Life always ends, but such isn't a reason to gloss over the loss of life.

Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty.

edited 23rd Nov '11 1:27:44 AM by joeyjojo

First of all, I'd like to suggest to anyone reading this post this general principle:

Never blame yourself for your emotions or lack thereof.

Feeling guilty about not feeling sad is pretty common, but surely you know there's no reason why you should feel guilty. That said, you shouldn't blame yourself for that guilt, either; you're not the boss of your emotions, and if you think you are, I'm willing to bet that you'll be proved wrong in the long run.

I've heard people criticising theirselves for not feeling attracted to or in love with someone when they know the feeling does go the other way. I've always tried to explain to them that there's no obligation to feel anything, ever. Emotions are natural reactions to which we are subject, and if you ask me, a rational way of dealing with emotion is to treat it as an experience.

I've taken it upon myself at a young age to pre-emptively accept the death of myself and everyone I'll ever know, and I believe I've succeeded. Still, I'm fairly certain that I would cry if anyone I know was to die. It wouldn't mean that I hadn't accepted it, but that I'm still subject to emotions. I would make no attempt to suppress my emotions, as that kind of stuff is very unhealthy. (Personal detail you might not want to know: I've been treated (successfully) for depression that was primarily caused by suppression of emotions.)

What I'm trying to say is, acceptance of death is good, healthy, and necessary. If you can't overcome the death of someone you know, then each death around you is going to bring you closer to emotional breakdown, which is exceptionally undesirable.

Any emotions you may or may not feel are things you'll also have to accept. I suggested treating them as an experience. One could also treat them as a chore: "I'll cry and wail until I've got it out of my system and then I'll calm down and be done with it." I'm sure that's a common way for people to get along, but personally I'm not in favour of that approach, at least if you're planning on doing it every time you're struck with grief.

Instead, cherish whatever emotion comes your way. Feel it, experience it, let it come. Don't go so far as to wallow in it, but try to let it work some of its magic in you. It'll go away eventually. Focus on it a bit; don't deprive it of its impact or meaning. When it goes away, you'll have lived and grown.

Now, there's one more thing worth pointing out: suppress your impulses. Don't suppress your feelings, but whatever impulses arise from them, don't let them just happen if you can avoid it. Think about it. If you're angry and get the urge to hit something, suppress it until you've decided if the emotional reward is worth the cost. (If you feel like hitting your pillow or tearing some blank pages of paper in half, go for it; if you wanna hit a brick wall or throw your TV out the window, don't do it.)

If you're sad and get the impulse to do something staggeringly stupid like hurt yourself, you need to suppress that impulse until you come across a smarter way to deal with it. Channel it into something else: write a poem or take a walk or go buy some chocolate and eat it furiously.

I have plenty of experience with dealing with things, and I hope I've managed to express some of what I've learned in this post.

edited 23rd Nov '11 2:12:27 AM by BestOf

Forcing feelings can be just as dangerous as ignoring them. Just be. :)

Yeah. I'm not getting why the OP is asking for some external ethical validation: you feel how you feel. Anyone who tries to sell you a "should" is either committing the majoritarian fallacy, or trying to manipulate you.

edited 23rd Nov '11 7:07:05 AM by MRDA1981

This, basically. To my mind, "should" implies some kind of moral judgement, and morality is ultimately about what you do (or don't do), not how you feel. That's emotion and you can't really control it.

I would also say that dogs are dogs and people are people, and however much you love your pet dog, it would be unusual to get as upset about it dying as you would about a family member (although I can imagine this happening with the right dog and the wrong family member).

Holy shit, Rich Sheik, I was about to post the exact same thing as you did! *insert obligatory "Are you me?" comment here*

My grandmother passed earlier this year after having been bedridden and very Alzheimer-y for several long, painful years. I felt nearly no sadness, as she was very old and at that point she hadn't been the woman I had known as Grandma for several years. What sadness I felt was for my family, especially my grandfather, who also took it in stride. Compare this to how broken I was when my first dog died after being hit by a car when she was only a few years old. Depending on the situation, your acceptance of death varies wildly.

Well, with a drawn out death struggle, the relatives get to slowly accept what's coming, taking some of the edge off the final impact when it does come.

With a sudden, unexpected death to which one isn't prepared, there's no preceding period of coming to terms with it, no tears cried in anticipation. Instead, the surprise is enough to induce tears, and acceptance will have to come after the initial shock is dealt with.

Lack of an immediate emotional reaction to death is not the same of acceptance of death.

Personally, I tend to react to emotional shocks by retracting and going emotionally "numb" for a few weeks or so. It's not like I endured a great number of personal tragedies; but when it comes to the (thankfully few, so far) deaths which occurred in my extended family, my immediate reaction has always been basically non-existent.

But that does not mean that I intellectually accepted these deaths: that's not something that I am willing to do, ever.

Death is not something that should be. And I do miss the relatives of mine who died, and I think of them often. But I did not cry at their deaths, in public or in private: I do not think badly of people who do cry at death, obviously, but that just is not the way in which I react to it.

edited 23rd Nov '11 1:27:55 PM by Carciofus

I accept death because even though it's something that shouldn't be, it's something that is for all forms of life.