Avoiding IKEA prose

Or Beige Prose, "verbing the noun", whatever.

So how does one do it? How does one describe physical actions without it becoming "She did this, and then she did that, and then she did some other stuff"?

I honestly don't consider this that bad, especially when compared to the alternative.

...adjective use?

I mean... I usually fall into Beige Prose on my first run through, and then go back to edit it out of robot land and into something more natural and flowing...

Well, I guess you could argue that the basic "this happened, and then this" isn't always bad. If you want to write about a character's boring day at the office, beige prose would be the right way of getting the monotony across.

The best way to avoid it? You should probably start out with trying to figure out what you're trying to accomplish in the scene. Where does the narrator want the reader to be? Are there any details you, the writer, want to focus on? What are you trying to get across? Where should the readers draw their attention?

...But, the more I think about it...Merlo, are you trying to stay away from beige prose as a whole, or for a particular purpose?

edited 29th Oct '11 9:10:01 PM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers

Also, think about sentence structure. Usually, you should vary from short to long to medium, along with different ways to string clauses.

I've never quite gotten the hang of this, but I think part of the trick is to integrate things together. For instance, if you need to mention that someone's eyes are dark blue, and you're going to use the phrase "there was a strange gleam in her eyes," you can say "her dark blue eyes had a strange gleam in them."

Well, the sequence of events I'm trying to describe at the moment definitely should not be boring. I can see the merits of using beige prose in other cases, but not for this one.

What I've been trying to do is insert the narrator's mental commentary appropriately and describe emotions, but that sometimes ruins the pacing and overwhelms the physical part. I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too, I guess

...Are we talking IKEA Erotica here?

In that case, you can certainly expect no help from me.

edited 29th Oct '11 9:50:24 PM by nrjxll

^^ That comment.. were you inspired from my fluff attempt? I usually inject the centerpiece character into the narration, and in the way things are described, what he does, you're catching a glimpse at his mental world. So you're close to the character always, like a companion, and there's more surprise what you'll find out — compared to dull, plain third-person narration.

It's inspired from the way Snow Crash is written, sometimes you can't tell whether it's Neal Stephenson or Hiro/Y.T. giving a tirade about funny, silly things in moments. Just imagine a hybrid of intimate first-person under the guise of third person "She kissed a girl, and she liked it."

edited 29th Oct '11 10:05:11 PM by QQQQQ

Should it matter if I were? I'm looking for general advice—yes there are instances where boring prose is justified, but in general I don't want boring prose.

Goodness, people have been recommending Snow Crash to me for ages. I might really have to go read it now.

edited 29th Oct '11 10:36:38 PM by Merlo

You probably should; it's fun, it's hugely self-aware and tropetastic, and it's been pretty damn influential.

Stephenson still can't end a novel for shit; they're more about the ride than the destination. However, he's taken a turn these days toward pretentious, elitist-nerd-pandering wankery; Snow Crash is definitely written for the nerd audience, but it doesn't look down its nose and sneer at the mundanes like some of his more recent stuff.

Some authors get better with success, but I think it got to Stephenson's head. Which is why this one is good; it's before that happened.

Actually, to my mind at least it would. In my opinion, Beige Prose is not necessarily a bad thing, and I'm certainly all right with it in some cases. However, there are some few actions that should either be written interestingly or not written at all, and sex is one of them.

Also, as mentioned I personally fall into the "not write it at all" category there, so if that is what you want help with there's no way I'd be able to give it.

Huh - I'd actually been avoiding it specifically for those reasons; I utterly despise that sort of thing and thought it was pretty much just one of his writing characteristics.

It's still overly impressed with its own cleverness, but in a fun kind of way rather than a sneering kinda way, so it doesn't bother me.

I guess I'll post a sample then.

Is this interesting? What am I doing wrong, and what am I doing right?

The first thing to jump out at me is that you can cut the "Might as well..." line. It doesn't seem to do anything.

As for everything else:

There seems to be little or no flow, or connection between the actions.

edited 30th Oct '11 4:13:22 PM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers

I can immediately say that it's not Beige Prose by any standard of the term.

The "Might as well..." line was supposed to be part of Cawley's thought process, I threw it in just to make sure the whole paragraph wasn't "verbing the noun". Other than that... yeah, I guess it doesn't really add anything.

... That's what was bugging me.

Any advice on how to fix that?

I guess if you want to keep the "Might" line, make it into a line of dialogue.

For fluency...

I'm not 100% sure of what's going on (lack of context, etc.), but you are. You know why he takes out the chalk and paper, why he cuts himself, why he tucks the paper in his pocket.

On a scratch piece of paper or something, make out a little sequence (First, Next, Then) and just write the basic "he did this, then this, then this." Find the connectivity between each action—be it a thought process, or another movement, and, taking what you have so far, include it. If the sequence becomes too long, trim it.

...Was that confusing? /Sucksatexplainingthings

edited 30th Oct '11 4:31:00 PM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers

The seeming lack of flow I think is only a symptom of this scene's "mechanical" feel, the joys of putting a table together. It's mundane — slicing his finger and putting it to his sigil. Not the 'This is normal, I'm used to it' mundane, but the inappropriate 'I'm flushing the toilet' dull feel to what otherwise can be a very anticipatory scene.

What can happen— recall the scene in Terminator where Arnold jumps in the hotel room and does self-diagnostics. There's a perverse fascination in his actions, as he simply cuts away his eye and his arm. Or No Country For Old Men where Anton Sugar cleans his wounds.

It stems from anticipating what these actions are building up to.

edited 30th Oct '11 4:40:25 PM by QQQQQ

Er, could you clarify what you mean by connectivity? Do you mean just transitions, or showing that they're all deliberate and part of a larger process, or...?

But how do I make that?

No offense meant, but I would take QQQQQ's thoughts on this sort of thing with a grain of salt.

I personally don't see anything glaringly wrong with it. I can think of some tweaks I might make, but the passage seems fine overall.

Part of a larger process.

^^^ I don't know, you tell me. Somewhere between the lines, you detect an inevitable conclusion— the prestige of the magic trick. These little parts.. when brought together, they make a whole that is much bigger than the sum of these parts.

I'm going to take the completely opposite position from Q5 here and say that any mundane nature of the scene is not only appropriate, but good.

Because ultimately this is a mundane situation to the character. Yes, it's a first time. But so what? It's not as if this was something they thought they needed to be sober or really secure for. They're not taking it terribly seriously. It's new like a new word processor, new like being issued a new rifle. It's novel, but not really exciting.

edited 30th Oct '11 5:00:39 PM by Night

^ Mundane relative to them. To us, it is fascinating. Watch the Jackal adjust his rifle with melons. It is the rifle that will put the bullet into Charles de Gaulle.

edited 30th Oct '11 5:04:00 PM by QQQQQ