Eon: Crimson Star

This is a little synopsis for a story that I'm writing and the ensuing comments and feed back from the guys at another forum I visit. please leave some comments about the plot, character, and ways to improve about it.

I WILL WARN YOU THOUGH: Some of this information is contrary to other parts due to the time each piece was written, I would also like to apologize beforehand for the messy format until I create a more appropriate form. These "pieces" are the sumation of feedback over the last year regarding my person and largely unfinished project Eon: Crimson Star.

EDIT: Actually here's a slightly more user friendly format: http://discoverygc.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=75380 (Doesn't require registration, but only covers the first post [hope you don't mind the link])

EDIT AGAIN: The new thread. —> https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13103700840A94920100

[quote=Animepsyco][b]Ok this is some **** straight from the bowel of my minds, spewed from the 10 anuses (or 5 since I was jerking off at times) at the end of my arms.

I was too lazy and therefore haven't done any editing so you might have to figure out the FL elements I made comparisons too.[/b]

lihnt reminded me that I had this story so I said **** up to see what NV felt.

[quote="Colonel Z.e.r.o. A.K.A. Annimepsyco"][size=150]///[/size][/quote]

[b]This is the short introduction of one of the nations in my own story, it has no connections to freelancer, however I may make comparisons for the sake of clarity. I also will be making up terms to describe nation groups just for the sake of back story, it may change it may not.[/b]

[b][size=200]Motivation[/size][/b]

In the year 2350, mankind had already successfully landed and colonized the nearby worlds. However even with these new territories and resources the total human population could never sustain itself. So soon after the nations turned to settling in remote star systems yet unexplored. Not just for simply hoarding resources but also for independently starting over The first to successfully launch their fleet of generation ships was the United Western Nations (which consisted of America and Canada. Second were the three primary units in Europe, the Western European Block (Great Britain, Iceland, Norway, and Sweden), the Central European block (Germany, Austria, Poland),and the Franco-Italo alliance (France and Italy). Next was the East Asian block (China, Japan, Korea). Several states from the Caribbean also began launching small numbers of smaller, more short ranged craft however due to their small population formed into a much larger states Headed by Brazil, Haiti, Jamaica, after disembarking they had . Lastly were many countries from both the middle east and numerous countries from the continent of Africa. Due to the massive resources hauled out of Africa due to past dealing with the Asian nation namely China, they were able to acquire the necessary though somewhat obsolete technology and equipment through China. Their fleet of ships were nearly 3 times the size of the Asian fleet, and nearly 7 times population wise. With determination and hope they set course for their new home.

[b][size=200]Aggravation[/size][/b]

It had been nearly 10 years since the successfully launch of the first fleet of colony ships. People aboard the colony ships (the ones flown out of Africa) began to become restless, hostile towards one another, some fought over their religious views, other, even argued over the futility of trying to survive to the next world, the infighting cause severe damage to the fleet some ships were completely lost while with others, entire decks and quarters were rendered inoperable. It was a dire situation, comparable to a civil war. A state of anarchy amongst a paranoid people.

[b][size=200]Desperation[/size][/b]

As time went on the fleet found it self way off course and drifting past several large gas clouds magnetic storms and finally a huge barrier known by some at the time as the golden Beast (it takes the shape of a cat or tiger-like appearance from earth) the crew found it self completely unable to navigate back home or even their intended course their only option at that point was to hold on tight and hope they would find some safe haven before time ran out. Before the fighting began again, before the food ran out, before the engines died...

There they found themselves swallowed up in a beast-like nebula, with only the vain hope that behind this cosmic behemoth there was a land that would bring them the nurture they had once taken for granted so long ago. Another 5 years had passed since the first found themselves lost and with little direction. It became more and more common to find one's mother or father hanging from the ceiling, a metaphor for the hope that had been so violently suffocated throughout the fleet. But despite these large casualties, the people in this group were still very numerous, what's more is that they've still allowed themselves out of bed in the morning, and this was all that was needed to assure their future...this, of course was all they could do.

[b][size=200]Salvation?[/size][/b] After a long struggle and battle, both with themselves and with the obstacles deep space presented them. The weary travelers finally came across a somewhat frightening star system. There were at first glance about 5 gas giants each larger than the next, some whose rings reflected off of the the nearby red star light created astounding light patterns. And finally there was the center of it all, the sun, a massive pulsating red giant encircled by a hideous ring of asteroids and space dust. Despite this, the settlers combed the system for an inhabitable planet. They finally came across what they though would be their new home. A nice small planet with a purplish tint and reddish valleys and mountains but also green rivers and blue oceans, it was a true blessing that they had made it to this seemingly docile place. However this blessing was also a curse, as they would soon find out.

[size=200][b]Degradation[/b][/size] Several months had gone by since the Kay'ans (Kaya mean home in Swahili, so work with me) had found there there new home. With limited ands and resources, the Kay'ans found it best understand the flora and fauna. At first it seemed harmless, however as times passed people began to feel odd, fatigued as if they weren't themselves. People reported the sensation of their insides being set on fire. Their eyes swelled up, their skin dried and for some, even their hair began to fall out. Something in this world was killing them slowly, maybe it was the food, the air, or the water, they didn't know. But one thing they did know was the could not stay there.... They also realized a gradual increase in heat and ultraviolet rays. Much like the fall this world was going through a routine transition that would eventually prove too hostile to the Kay'ans. They had to escape, but they couldn't they didn't have anywhere else to go, their ships were still being repaired from the 15 years of space carnage and mutiny. They had to endure, for the moment.

[size=200][b]Recreation[/b][/size] 75 years had passed since this devastating revelation. The people began to change. For a few their once spiral, bushy hair had become straight and longer, they became more adapt to the environment that once crippled them. However this came at a cost, from that time onward, the Kay'ans had become disfigured, and robbed of some of their most base functions, like sight for instance, nearly half of the Kay'an population born after landing planet were born completely blind and all were with heterochromic disorders, their eyes changed from brown to yellow and finally to blood red. While these hardships put the people in a sense of despair, they still managed to build and better themselves, the population tripled and technology steadily gained them better and more comfortable control of their lives. But even with these triumphs, the Kay'ans knew they could no longer stay on this planet, after years of searching the kay'ans finally came across another planet hidden on the other side of the system. It was also a hot arrid world very similar to there current habitat. However, this planet was significantly father away from the "nyekundu usiku" the red star which had emitted a unique radiation which was found out to be responsible for all of the drastic changes to their bodies. In six months time they gathered all of the necessary resources. By the time they made it to their new world, eighty percent of the entire Kay'an population now had a distinct trait, blood red eyes, and for the women and young children black to near-black (I think they're called tarsal glands or what I am referring to is the part of the eyes that one would put mascara on) eyelids. Once again they were re inspired by this new land the had found, though it proved to be lesser in some key resources, it was nothing to danger the Kay'an people, for the entire system from the gas giants, moons, and even the asteroid fields closest to the Usiku Star were rich in all kinds of resources from metals, oil, gases, and e. The people left over from the journey, the sickness and the fighting, were assured once and for all that they could over come any obstacle their new home may throw at them.

[b][size=200]Preparation[/size][/b]

Years then decades and even centuries passed since the escape from their perilous situations. By this time they had formed a system of government throughout the planet and nearby settlements that allowed free trade, business, and equal human rights among both men and women. Their society lived in peace and comfort for decades. Until the question came upon the people, when? When will we encounter the ones they left behind on earth? When will they encounter the one that left earth along with them? What would happen if these people discover their safe haven? Would they want to share their immense wealth? Would the want to learn about the Kay'an Culture and ethics? Or would the want to shun and dismiss their existence like their now-distant relatives in the past? This curiosity and paranoia called for the creation of the K.D.S.F , the Kay'an Defense and Surveillance force. A force that was responsible for the discovery of both resources, newly discovered settlements as well as the charge of defending against these said settlements. They used this force as an envoy to peacefully make their presence among the colonies known. And for a while it was going well until they for the first time ran into the descendants of the Western European Block. After dealing with the republic of Irowakia (Name derived from Arawak the name of the inhabitants of most of the Caribbean before the Europeans hit them with the banstick might change I tried to make it sound more French like Iroquois/Algonquin ) they then began to setup means of contact and trade. However once the word got out about the Kay'an's "features" people began to become anxious about them interconnecting with the rest of the countries, the most active in response to this discovery was the Western European block (someone PM me with a respectable name for any of the countries I've described) which had purposely ordered it's long range scouts to investigate their new found neighbors. At first the Britainnians (I'll call them this now but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated) were able to scan and survey the outskirts of the Golden barrier, but not past it. But, in doing had cause much unrest to the Kay'an nation.

[b] OK I hoped you like this little writing of mine. There is still more to follow in this thread however I'm just too lazy to finish at the moment.

BTW The derivative FL character Lenox Casper comes from this nation. I did post a rather messy bio but haven't the energy to organize it.[/b][/quote]

[quote='Animepsyco'][b][size=200]Information[/size][/b]

Initially the paranoia sparked by both the rediscovery of the Kay'an people and the subsequent investigation done by the Brittainnians did minimal damage to the growing imports and exports out of both nations. However as time went on and the presence of Kay'ans became more common in the Colonial outskirts, so did the prejudice and fear of their appearance and customs especially one of the adopted religions. While not primary to the Empire's population it was still popular where traces of it are are expressed even in the most minute populations of the Kay'an. The religion respected the basic principles and commandments that would allow man to peacefully exist within himself and within the world that he had been placed in. However the side which the foreigners had been concerned about was the believed recreation of all peoples. They strongly believed that, in a similar fashion in which their original (and believed damaged) forms where distorted and rapidly changed by the environment of a distant world was a form of "stellar judgment" that would deem those worthy of strife outside of the first dominion (earth, second being the outskirts of sol, and the third being past the Golden Barrier i.e. the Kay'an home planet) in preparation for the 2nd phase of civilization. They believed god was preparing them for integration of another plane of reality. This wasn't the first time people had been exposed to a group that had faith in the possibility they would be put into direct contact with entities of divine proportions. But dealing with such a mysterious people, and as such an imaginative and paranoid people themselves rumors and speculations quickly arose that the Kay'ans may have deliberately changed their people via genetic experimentation and then, as such, propagating themselves as a master race, however this assumption was quickly disregarded.Tensions however, between Kay'ans and non-kay'an people continued. Eventually the prime minister of the France-Italian colony (please pm me if you have a good name for any of these countries I've described). Was given a chance to to meet the Emperor of Kay'a in person on their own soil. While the Kay'an presence had been known for over a century by this point no one from outside the Golden barrier had even seen their home world. As a matter of a fact all information that has ever been exchanged was done on neutral settlements, bases, and Kay'an controlled planetary colonies. Anything regarding their capital or even anything that could be considered It was an ideal chance to inform the rest of the colonies the true cultures and origin of this shadow race and to stave off any transgressions that had conspired to that point.

The President's trip behind the outer rim was guarded and escorted by both his own secret service squadron and then the Emperor man's praetorian guard once his transport rendezvoused with his. Initially the president's tour consisted of conversations with the emperor explaining how the Empire came to be and it's current assets, carefully hiding the secret as to why a Kay'an's eyes are red. Eventually the meeting was concluded by a televised discussions of a double effort to construct a means of high speed stellar travel (much like trade lanes and jump gates) cutting through through the Golden barrier. The Emperor however refused, stating that it's is their "Ace in the hole". The emperor did however offer to devise a map containing several safe and largely inconvenient routes over and under the gases pockets, radiation pits, and magnetic storms hidden throughout the barrier. Just after the meeting was concluded with a hand shake and an uneasy chuckle, xenophobic extremists then set off a series of rattling explosions within the outer walls of the Royal palace. The president then chose to hastily leave to prevent tempting the suspected extremists, who initially bombed the palace, into a second assault. The president was only escorted by his own squadron, out of the Kay'an system.

[b][size=200]Disassociation[/b][/size]

As the years went on more and more of Kay'an Presence appeared beyond the golden barrier. From immigrants going as far the Brittainian Capital to military outposts and supply gathering depots, they were starting to show up everywhere, despite this integration, the Kay'an immigrants faced much prejudice from the natives of their new home. Even from those who are descendant from African parentage, the most genetically similar race, separated themselves from their newest neighbors. This sometimes led to destabilization of small colonies and settlements throughout neutral space. Meanwhile, there were two threats at hand back on their home world revealing themselves. One was the rapid transition of government and replacement of political figures, another was sporadic civil war over religious conduct. There was, at first the people who passively believed in Stella Judgment and it's principles which were soon confronted by others who more actively believed in this occurrence, more precisely they felt that the time has come upon them to exact both vengeance and recreation to racial hierarchy, another, less involved group which held a similar belief, but unlike the others their numbers weren't confined to the Empire or by race. Their people were found in all pockets of human inhabited space. The greatest and most loyal contingent was a collection of nomadic fleets which followed a religious system very similar to a temple or monk system. This group was known as the Quryta. They sustained themselves, buy consistently selling off information and gathered resources for all of the nations, this way there are seen by many as an indispensable asset While the Qurytans were relatively secretive they still allowed outsiders to join their, even if they have no intention of following their mystical pathway. Of course under their basic guidelines.

[i]Form shall not forsaken Mind, Mind shall not forsaken Spirit, Spirit shall not forgo purity on which was bestowed upon the soul and centre of Thyself, Thyself shall accept, in whole, this grand trinity.[/i]

(Basically meaning one shall not revert to destructive impulsively or animal instinct such as sex bet it rape or or otherwise. One shall not abandon or deny his heart (emotions) for the ease of his environment (like lying to others to gain their affection or relying entirely on technology/artificiality. And one shall not allow himself to be fully consumed by his emotions, namely fear, anger, hate, lust, and jealousy. He will also respect and honor his existence and the three piece it is composed of.)

Unlike the other two which merely scratched against the idea of another plane of existence, the Quryta actually experience it. Along their tapestries, books and monuments aboard their ships there are stories of an elite group of knight-like called the Ziryha individuals who who are capable of summoning the many strengths of celestial beings already present on the next plane of existence. The summoner takes year building up his or her spiritual pinnacle (which is a specific emotion), understanding it on a sub conscience and conscience level. Through this a person is able to perform a multitude of physically enhancing actions, such as increased strength, speed, awareness, vitality, short-ranged telepathy, advanced empathy, and to a lesser degree, alchemy using his own body fluids (most effective is blood). Alchemy can be used to transforms one's own blood into a gas, or solid, for instance he could transform his own blood dripping from a wound on his arm into small spikes or daggers. One could with use of his blood trans mutate (or transfer and then convert into an energy source such as electricity) objects and allow his celestial being to manifest it's power and conscience through the affected matter. And to a final extend, allow the celestial being to purely cross over into the lower plane of existence, this however, is highly dangerous to both the summoner and anyone around at the time, as they need to constantly and automatically absorb the essence of life (blood is an example again) to sustain in this world. The Ziryha used this in order to maintain an overarching balance throughout the nation and, at times, to preserve their neutrality, trade and way of life. And it was because of this power and their presence that the the colonies managed to maintain peace between one another. Assassination of peace devoted leaders were quelled bloody and unjust uprisings were brought to a halt by the intervention of the Jiryha. However, there were others outside of this group that knew of the Ziryhan power, and how to match and even exceed it. And thus began the gradual corrosion of the Qurytan influenced peace.

Eventually eventually most of the minor settlements within Kay'an control were submerged in civil war, now distinctly caused by individuals who wished to have all other non-Kay'ans purged and decimated for both the sake of the Kay'an future, idealism and for ascension into the next dominion. The final blow was the assassination of the Emperor, with that the current regent Godmother Adilah could shape things in accordance to her desire. She would also be able to brainwash the remaining two individuals that are able to take the throne the daughter of the departed emperor, and the son of his long deceased brother. Mainland Kay'an were generally naive and easily obscured be the administration. She would be able to awaken to hatred and fear locked within the Kay'an race easily.

[size=200][b]Godmother Dearest[/b][/size]

Adilah was a native born Kay'an near the southern regions of the Kay'an main world. She, however went to live on a large trade center on the far outskirts of the golden barrier. Her family was one of only a handful of Kay'an people on the entire station. Her father worked as a loss prevention officer for incoming and outgoing goods and resources, while here mother worked as a daycare operator. Despite the steady living her parents had, Adilah experienced exclusion and humiliation on a daily basis. Her Kay'an heritage was to blame for this. The other children up to the adults treated her with utter disdain. Despite this, she demonstrated immense pride of her culture and her race. When she was a teenager the lost her father to a group roughnecks who were loading and refueling before returning to the other colonies. Unfortunately they escaped before help arrived. When she turned 16, she returned to the Kay'an home world and enlisted in the the marine corps. She was trained for infiltration and sabotage, mainly responsible for a disarming internal as well as external threats to the Kay'an way of life. Eventually she worked her way through the ranks, her effective mimicking and analyzing of past and current enemy tactical faults made her an ideal specialist, especially when it came to guerrilla and anti-guerrilla warfare. Her unpresidented ability to see through the most unpredictable of situations eventually met the eyes of the higher ups in the military. After 3 years of she was put in a maverick-like position the would allow her to scout and pursue the increasing number of raiders and pirates that had plagued the area surrounding ever since significant trading between the empire and it's neighbors began. Eventually drew the attention of Amiri Amaziah a diplomat and high ranking senator for the northern regions, he was nick named nicknamed "kiongozi angani". It was under him she was inspired and moved by his ideas of revising the society the Kay'an people had created. He believed the only way the Kay'an people could truly be freed from their ancestors oppressors and their implanted psychology was by embracing the new (physical) identity the Usiku forced upon them and severing all connections, cultural or otherwise with the outsiders. Once he had enough influence in both the nobility and the military he devised a series of social castes that would put those who expressed the most distinguished of physical traits.

[b][size=200]The Osiris Class[/size][/b]

(Real stupid terminology, I know)

The first and lowest caste were those most similar to the Africans and middle eastern people: brown and black hair and eyes. They were know as the "mbinguni" and as such they were furthest from descending in to the hands of Usir (Osiris) and divine powers of resurrection, on a less religious aspect, they were least affected by the Usiku when the colony ships first arrived they would eventually integrate themselves on a biological aspect as the full blood Kay'ans.

The second caste are the ardhi, characterized by a light complexion but with red eyes. They're believed to have been either mixed with the very small Caucasian population or possess heavy middle eastern ancestry. The females also possess black to near-black pigment on their outer eyelids (as if were makeup). Because they show considerable transformation centuries after escaping the Usiku's dangerous rays they still show promising mutation and thus are put second in the three-part class system.

The final and highest of the Osiris class are the kuzimu. They of the three were the most heavily changed of the population possess, the dark skin of the African ancestors, the blood-red eyes (and for the women and young children the blackened eyelids). Their qualities were deemed as ideal and most valuable of traits in the Osiris Class.

The reason Amaziah choose "Osiris was" to describe the transition the Kay'an people underwent while settling behind the golden barrier. The death of the tainted identity they carried with them centuries before, and the resurrection and recreation of it under the guise of red eyes and dark skin. Godmother Adilah was now the current regent of the nation now known as Osiris Imperium and an enforcer of the Osiris Class system and through this she was able to manipulate how the people of the Empire and the people of the neighboring colonies view each other.

Damn, my weekend's almost up now. Here's another piece of the history hope you enjoy it please comment and rate.[/quote]

[quote='Freeza Sama']I'm confused... :confusion:[/quote]

[quote='Animepsyco'][quote='Freeza Sama'][quote='Animepsyco']I'd say derivatives.

[quote="Frank"]that's pretty good. excellent descriptive writing.[/quote]

Freeze's dumb ass said he couldn't.[/quote]

Actually, it was more of a tl;dr thing.

I saw [color=#0040FF]Asari[/color]an, skimmed it, realized it wasn't about hot blue Mass Effect babes, and was in turn disappointed.[/quote]

Asarian was actually supposed to be taken from one of the other names of the Egyptian god Osiris[/quote]

[quote='visitorQ']Amazingly thought-out, AP. It definitely needs some work with the grammar and spelling and some of the concepts need to be fleshed out a little more, but overall it is more promising than 99% of the stories out there. I was only planning to skim some of it and then tl;dr, but it hooked me. I especially liked how the caste system took the escalating mutations as a sign of religious strength. Tied alot of the chance occurrence in the story together and gave it a feel of true progression...like these were real events that could logically happen instead of just some fantasy bull****.

Keep it up, man. You've done well so far, I look forward to reading more.[/quote]

[quote='Animepsyco'][quote='visitorQ']Amazingly thought-out, AP. It definitely needs some work with the grammar and spelling and some of the concepts need to be fleshed out a little more,[/quote]

Which concepts exactly?

[quote] but overall it is more promising than 99% of the stories out there. I was only planning to skim some of it and then tl;dr, but it hooked me. I especially liked how the caste system took the escalating mutations as a sign of religious strength.[/quote]

I was thinking of imposing a few drawbacks/advantages of these changes.

1. Eyesight - A special and unique form of lighting will allow them to "see through" minor obstructions that would otherwise make objects behind them opaque to translucent look more like translucent to silhouette to almost color clear. This will apply to things such as smoke, steam, gases, not brick walls.

2. Adaptation - They have greater resistance to arrid and hot climate with massive sun exposure. However Much higher sensitivity to colder elements from tundra-like environments to consistent ingestion of cold food (like ice cream of ice water).

3. Reproduction - Half breed off spring of female Asarian parentage will have a 50-75% chance of inheriting one or more the their race's distinguished traits while those of male parentage will have only 25-50%.

Despite their traits resembling those of dominant genes, their version is quasi-recessive (basically the Red eyes chance of expression is equal or less dominant to brown eyes. Dark skin and and hair ranges are also subject to even the receive genes from the other parent and even the ones locked away inside their genetic codes from their ancestors. from 25-75% (Depending on the parentage though I might not limit the probability of gene expression by gender).

4. Racial stereotypes/Behavior - During the years of puberty, they will experience episodes of intense (near) unprovoked tantrums. (undecided whether this will be a fact, myth or both)

[quote] Tied alot of the chance occurrence in the story together and gave it a feel of true progression...like these were real events that could logically happen instead of just some fantasy bull****.[/quote] I'm a complete retard can you explain a little more and how specifically.

[quote]Keep it up, man. You've done well so far, I look forward to reading more.[/quote] I'm having difficulty as to where to start. Should I just **** around. Should I hit with a list of character profiles and how deep they run into it the plot or what? I don't wanna focus too hard on the charactera as to were I'm stuck or lose interest in the main devices. But I also don't want the make the overarching story or plot device to be so great I lose the personal plots and motives making the only thing that's keeping things in motion (appear as) a giant war, conspiracy, rescue mission, or quest to save/avenge/impress a town/the world that doesn't even like you.[/quote]

[quote="visitorQ"][quote="Animepsyco"]Which concepts exactly?[/quote]

Seemed a little too rushed on the development of society outside of the Kay'an culture. Prejudice obviously still exists in your world, but what else exists? What other negative human traits from Earth survived the journey? Are the Kay'an people reawakening the prejudice, or are they just the new focus for all of these other cultures, like the Britainians? That kind of stuff.

[quote="Animepsyco"]I'm a complete retard can you explain a little more and how specifically.[/quote]

Something random, like landing on the wrong planet and getting poisoned by radiation, became a jumping off point for religious zealotry and it seems like the story will evolve it further into an all out war or terrorism at least. I can follow that logic as you present it. You talk about the mutations blinding people and disfiguring them, as would be expected of radiation poisoning. Even in the post I'm quoting from, you talk about how their enhanced abilities that are derived from the radiation are very minor (able to see through smoke, not walls, etc). In other words, you treat the subject with respect and don't use it like some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle "ooze" that is all benefit and no downside. Reminds me of how Mass Effect treated the subject of Bionics. Most kids died outright, others went crazy trying to control their powers, and only a select few could truly harness anything good out of the effects of Element Zero poisoning. Like I said, its logical that something like that would lead to more tragedy than superpowers.

So yeah, the undying human fear of things that are different, the need for a divine explanation of a chance occurance (the mutations), this divine explanation leading people to think they are "chosen", this leading to zealotry, the zealotry leading to possible war....hell man, all of that just flows beautifully.

[quote="Animepsyco"]I'm having difficulty as to where to start. Should I just **** around. Should I hit with a list of character profiles and how deep they run into it the plot or what? I don't wanna focus too hard on the charactera as to were I'm stuck or lose interest in the main devices. But I also don't want the make the overarching story or plot device to be so great I lose the personal plots and motives making the only thing that's keeping things in motion (appear as) I giant war, conspiracy, rescue mission, or quest to save/avenge/impress a town/the world that doesn't even like you.[/quote]

I'm not to sure where you should go with it. Like I said, as the basis for a story, what you already have is solid. I could see you creating a protagonist amidst that background. Then again, there are a few things that you might do well to expound upon, some of which I've listed above. As the author, its all up to you, but I found the most interesting parts of the story to revolve around the social implications of reintroducing one culture to others it had known before it took a transformative journey. Its sort of like the story of Moses, only on a much larger scale.[/quote]

[quote='Animepsyco'][quote='visitorQ'][quote='Animepsyco']Which concepts exactly?[/quote]

Seemed a little too rushed on the development of society outside of the Kay'an culture. Prejudice obviously still exists in your world, but what else exists? What other negative human traits from Earth survived the journey? Are the Kay'an people reawakening the prejudice, or are they just the new focus for all of these other cultures, like the Britainians? That kind of stuff.[/quote]

Good question, just how greatly did the past transgressions affect the way the Asarians and all the other colonies perception of one another? What exactly is earth to them now? A bad memory? A painful reminder? Is it even tangible?

[quote='Animepsyco']I'm a complete retard can you explain a little more and how specifically.[/quote]

Something random, like landing on the wrong planet and getting poisoned by radiation, became a jumping off point for religious zealotry and it seems like the story will evolve it further into an all out war or terrorism at least.[/quote] I'm considering making the part of the reason their voyage was even possible was the fact that their group was being use as a mean to transfer resource from great ranges to the other colonies. Rather than a group equal to others, a sub servant band of misfits, no different from a colony that were merely strung along for their desperation rather than a great belief they would find true independence. That may make a good means for distrusting the others.

[quote] I can follow that logic as you present it. You talk about the mutations blinding people and disfiguring them, as would be expected of radiation poisoning. Even in the post I'm quoting from, you talk about how their enhanced abilities that are derived from the radiation are very minor (able to see through smoke, not walls, etc). In other words, you treat the subject with respect and don't use it like some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle "ooze" that is all benefit and no downside. Reminds me of how Mass Effect treated the subject of Bionics. Most kids died outright, others went crazy trying to control their powers, and only a select few could truly harness anything good out of the effects of Element Zero poisoning. Like I said, its logical that something like that would lead to more tragedy than superpowers.[/quote]

I don't know why but I always felt that in order to truly expose a character you need to show them at their greatest and their weakest. Not only manifest in their physical abilities but also their own moral structure and the moral structure of their local societies. Let them question their triumphant acts while others only see object truths. Allow their optimism and pessimism to fluctuate aggressively at times. It's like Red dead redemption has been so far, the guy's modesty and direct criticism is what makes stand out. Not just in matters that appeal to his plight but also in he most trivial of things. Greatest example can be the stranger tasks and how they seem to compliment the "Dying west" allowing the player to recognize the authentic conflict within the scenery.

[quote]So yeah, the undying human fear of things that are different, the need for a divine explanation of a chance occurance (the mutations), this divine explanation leading people to think they are "chosen", this leading to zealotry, the zealotry leading to possible war....hell man, all of that just flows beautifully.[/quote]

These were inspired by concepts like Aryan-ism, Adam and Eve, and hell Even Trigun (Vash and Knives). Speaking of which the introduction of the whole populace in question would actually be prompt by a rather uncomfortable reunion of two or more scouts,(although, that would require me to escalate the mutation rate and stability of certain people over others) that discover the first planet and their new found look...

[quote='Animepsyco']I'm having difficulty as to where to start. Should I just **** around. Should I hit with a list of character profiles and how deep they run into it the plot or what? I don't wanna focus too hard on the charactera as to were I'm stuck or lose interest in the main devices. But I also don't want the make the overarching story or plot device to be so great I lose the personal plots and motives making the only thing that's keeping things in motion (appear as) I giant war, conspiracy, rescue mission, or quest to save/avenge/impress a town/the world that doesn't even like you.[/quote]

[quote]I'm not to sure where you should go with it. Like I said, as the basis for a story, what you already have is solid. I could see you creating a protagonist amidst that background.[/quote]

[quote]Miles ahead of you. Lenox Casper Will be his name a full blooded, first Osiris class Asarian. Adopted under pressing circumstances which are as following"

His mother, a peasant girl turned activist/terrorist, eventually fled to become a Qurytan Ziryha. After being accompanied by two second Osiris class soldiers as well as her elder sister and younger sister. Some years had past and she had two children with the soldier she met Lenox and his older sister.

Soon after the younger sibling, angry, confused, and alone, slowly befriends the other soldier that accompanied them has inadvertently made the ideal blind spot for a manipulative and ambitious ambassador for the Empire. He states subtly that unless certain measure are made her, her love, her family, and her desire to build her own family will not suffice unless other elements are removed. Elements such as key persons, technology, and wisdom responsible the enormous power the Ziryha have and influence the Qurytans posses as a nomadic herd of explorers. This in turn leads to the downfall of many of the Qurytan fleets, and effectively strangle any positive influence the Qurytans had towards the Empire's future enemies. The younger siblings actions also lead to the rape and murder of the older sister. Lenox's mother confronts her sister with this revelation only to be blindly rebutted and then beaten nearly to death before subduing and leaving her crazed loved one to die (presumably).

Fleeing the the Empire's navy, she, her lover, and two children escape to the uninvolved states to hide out in peace. Along the way, her lover and daughter become separated from the continuing invasion. eventually making her way into her son's future stepfather's ship. Where was eventually crippled by persistent Imperial stowaways which forced the ship and her into such extreme circumstances, she had to nearly kill herself to keep them at bay. When the authorities came to assist the distressed vessel in question, they came with a very cold and confidential purpose. Which was to take Lenox and his mother's body to be questioned and examined. Instead the agents where informed it be best to leave the child in the hands of the captain and the supposed fate of Lenox's mother was kept from him. (I'm clouding this up purposely for a possible reconciliation of epic proportions.)[/quote]

[quote]Back to Lenox, I'm too much of a lazy **** so I'll coply/paste an older post from years before which is really ****ed with.

Major Zero=Lenox Casper

[quote='Colonel Z.e.r.o.']

The essential story is she's an officer from a long line of proud military history. Her country along with others similar to ones today (RL wise) are at war with another country with people of Arab/African descent. these people use ideals and past dealings with other civilizations and races (like slavery and white devil concepts in order to dehumanize other ethnic groups and break down the sympathy the people of that nation have regarding starting a massive war with them) as propaganda to rally the government, military and population into a war of justice and claim the rightful dominance of the X nation (name pending). Due to both their population/economy and the vast amount of raw materials they have at their possession as well is their acquired ability to hunt so precisely within a nebula (which 40% of their home system is covered by and borders much like how the GMG was able to out smart the RM in the eighty) they were able to effectively hound and wear down the borders of other nations for years.

Somewhere else in another country allied to the char in question a Major Zero (acronym ofor his real name) is an adopted son of a famous Navy captain, he, frustrated with his boring life joins the navy. After several months of basic fight training he is assigned escort duties for 5 new experimental bipedal tanks (Xenopeds) Around the same time the X nation has agreed to sign a cease fire to end their bloody war with the other nations. However this is just a setup, thus necessitating the creation (or should I say reverse engineering is the case of these [b]experimental[/b] of the Xenopeds). At the same time in the confusion Felyse on a patrol with her squadron his ambushed by several wings of attack fighters her fighter squadron with full intent of sacrificing themselves allow her to retreat to a nearby communications base she lands to make vital repairs and have the base crew relay a message to the nearest command installation. However almost seconds after she makes her landing a detachment from the X nation's bomber squadron manages take down most of the station's primary systems and compartments and killing almost everyone onboard.

Major Zero after having to land his fighter due to engine trouble lands back on the transport ship of the Xenopeds at that time his step-brother is as usual interrogating him in matters regarding his personal life and his plans for the future (future family, wife, kids, etc.) during which the ship alarms go off notifying the distress that a nearby comm station is in (the same one our heroine is on). The captain coldly ignores it and attempts to remain on course. Major Zero still young and confused about the duties of a soldier and more importantly, a man futility argues with the transport captain. After realizing there's no time to argue nor any point he rushes into the hangar to find an appropriate ship (seeing as his own was damaged to use to help rescue any survivors. There he discovers one of the 5 secret projects a black and yellow bipedal tank with two twin laser cannons mounted on it's back and laserblades on each arm. Painted on it's lower left leg is it's codename the "Black Sun". Ignoring the dammings from the transport captain Zero launches the machine and heads for the base at full speed.

Felyse also making an attemp to help any survivors still on board. She enters a room reserved for refugees and to her horror discovers the smoldering remians of a mother and infant. She colapses and throws up in disgust, disorented and shocked by her discovery (she's still a novice in many respects namely on the psychological level). she hurries back to the docking bay to escape but is thrown back by a subsystem explosion which colapses the ceiling crushing her shipp in the process tightly gripping the back of her head in pain she loses conscienceness. After finding a stable docking port he lands and begins to seach on foot for any survivors. Eventually he finds Felyse in another hangar just meters away from a light fighter crushed by rubble. Noting that had she been a bit hastier he would have needed a spatula to get her from out of that place. With an awkwardly admiring stare he reached down to grab her helpless body when her eyes opened to catch a glimpse of the man that saved her. Rushing back into the Xenoped he blasted his way out from the station into the vacuum where his step brother and fellow comrades were waiting with both pessimism and anticipation. While being scolded for his disobedience another fighter/bomber patrol jumps in to finish all remaining vessels in the area. His brother tells him to retreat to another sector to avoid being captured or scanned (his vessel is very top secret they wouldn't want it to fall into the wrong hands ;) ) reluctantly pulling away from the battlescene he looks from his rear monitor the bloody fight taking place.....

After successfully making it to an allied control nav point enforced by several cruisers and a battleship (Felyse's home base). In the confusion and of fighting off several fighter wings and attack vessel's the battlegroup completely unaware of both the existence of both a Xenoped of that caliber and it's standings begin to open fire on Major Zero, dealing relatively mild damage due to the advanced armor and shield systems. In an attempt to stop the onslaught he opens a comm. channel with the ship's captain to no avail, as that only entices the ship crews to continue their assault. (our hero is very similar to the enemy soldiers in terms of appearance dark skin, red eyes (an adaptation the people of the X nation underwent which actually makes the more distinguished from the regular non-X nation blacks and Arabs that are found in other settlements and back on earth) The shooting only comes to an end when the captain recognizes the woman lying in Zero's lap of which had saved earlier, his daughter. It's too late as the Major is knocked unconscience by the impacting shots.[/quote]

The Felyse V Schneider chick still exist that but with a new name.

[quote]Then again, there are a few things that you might do well to expound upon, some of which I've listed above. As the author, its all up to you, but I found the most interesting parts of the story to revolve around the social implications of reintroducing one culture to others it had known before it took a transformative journey. Its sort of like the story of Moses, only on a much larger scale.[/quote]

I can tell you this much. Which ever fame and love he acquire from his family and love interest, will be dashed and divided, through either manipulation, blackmail, or personal ineptitude. He'll end up somewhat like solid snake. 20 later a cool individual, constantly troubled by his past actions on top of how the events of his life made him see himself now as a natural murderer rather than a trained killer. Consistently haunted by situational metaphors which remind him of all the things he was "too weak" to do when he was younger. However can he make amends for his past?

P.S. worse synopsis ever I know CBF took me over, that and Madagascar 2.[/quote]

[quote="Animepsyco"]OK CBF has worn off.

Lenox Casper is the adopted son of a captain in the US based navy. The US based nation's navy is preparing to engage the Empire as support for the Britainians. At the time of Lenox's entry into the war, the Empire has severely damaged the Britainian forces through means of espionage via the barrier that intervenes between the Empire and respectably it's enemies. Most battles between Asaria and The Britainian force have ended in the Asarian's favor either from ambush or overpowering their foe. Any attempted to break past enemy lines have been tragic as the Asarians have the natural advantage in gas clouds and nebulas. Since the Empire is blocked off by a nebula and the Britainian home system is has consistent patching of clouds and gas nebulas the Britainians have had to forfeit some of their resources fields in order to more properly defend the important settlements such as dense civilian settlements, putting even greater strain on their war effort. To capitalize on this, the Empire has also began blockading trading of the neighboring nations, goverment directed and even private distributing of materials of even the base necessities, have eith been catured or destroyed.

The nations worried of both attack and the crippling effect of the war begin to slowly show more and more support for Brittiana. With this, the Empire began more direct attacks on the others. Now instead of simply resorting to just lighter ships for strategic moves against their new found enemies, they have now began introducing much heavier vessels in order to occupy and hold territory. Such is the "Spinx" chassis for vessels of cruiser and destroyer size, their most common capital craft, followed by carriers for long range missions and finally their most dangerous vessels the super assault carrier "Isis" and the largest and most destructive ship the Osiris class battleship.

The Osiris' fire power is equal to about 10-15 of any of the allied battleships. Superior armor and massive size allow it to be the ideal command center and siege weapon. Capable of powering and using weapons larger than the other capital ships themselves, it is only known ship believed capable of rendering giant portions of planets it bombards uninhabitable. Only five of them are known to Exist. It's only known tactical disadvantage is it's mediocre maneuverability and monstrous size.

Lenox's own reasons for entering into this war are still somewhat unclear. Though it would stem from the negative feed he has received throughout his time with his adopted family of which, his father and step brother are involved in the military. While his father, mother and immediate family felt indifferent about is heritage, most other have not. Finding him either a threat, spy, or simply not belonging with anyone. Bullied for what he is, hated for what he is like, and feared for what he may become. Lenox probably enlisted in the military as a mean to prove himself unlike in heart what he resembles is in form, a race that, through it's distant past, strive, fears and the fears of others have mounted atop pedistool that propagates conformity and reforming of the entire human race.

Lenox is 16 year old with a medium light build, straight shoulder length black hair, red eyes, with a medium dark complexion. On the outside he appears as a relatively kind and earnest individual, however, the infamous reputation his people have acquired is often replied with hostility, avoidance, and disgust. Despite this he generally maintains his frustrations and tries not to feel bitter towards others. However his feelings do, at times, manifest in his actions, causing him to become under-productive or distant.

After rescuing Katarine (Felyse von Schneider) he finds himself aboard [i]her[/i] father's ship, the Saxony. There he is detained for several hours despite proper ID. Her father suspects that he was some kind of spy or insurgent also believing the machine he was piloting to be of Asarian origin rather than a joint project as stated earlier. In the mean time Katarine awakens perplexed about recent events. Her father tries to speak with her about that but before he can, Katarine, thinking it was a dream, romantically describes of how a man strikingly similar to an Asarian saved her and carrier away from her plight. Concerned about her reaction he stalls to tell her anything about what had happened.

After a few calls are made he then discovered who and where Lenox is from. Reluctantly, especially after hearing his daughter's new fantasy, releases Lenox. After a brief and stiff conversation with the captain, Lenox then follows the captain's brother a drill sergeant stationed on the Saxony. Mild chatter and small talk ensue, ending with him handing Lenox a pair of sunglasses, showing understanding to Lenox's social position.

They enter a mildly populated portion of the ship in which the others turn to them and question Lenox's whereabouts and prior predicament. Uncomfortable with the wall of questions Lenox tries to retreat from the situation. Unfortunately while trying to make it past the crew, his glasses come off in the midst of things, revealing his what he is. Frantically trying to put back his eye-wear he finds an even more aggressive barrage of questions which practically throw him into the corner of the room. Just before things things fall out of hand Katarine's along with several others' entrance distracts the crew from their discovery (she's somewhat of an idol to most of them). She then focuses on Lenox, nearly trapped behind the others. Curious, she asks Lenox his name and business. While answering her questions, she begins to circle him, slowly recognizing him. Jealous and nervous one of the crew members tell her where he is from. Her eyes widen with excitement as she looks back remembering the the "dream" she had. She slowly reaches to take his glasses off. She pauses for a moment astounded by her discovery. His pupils grow as she looks deeply into his eyes, which frighten her but draws her even closer. But before she can escalate things any further. An announcement from her father intervenes.

As time and events pass Lenox's attitude towards others and his expectations of them begin to shift. For one he reinvents himself in a way that protrudes the type of energy, that, despite his heritage is able to draw out positivity from others instead of them resorting to conclusions that would cause harm to their relationship. This is partly due to Katarine's naturally friendly attitude towards people and strong interest in Lenox. Before then, Lenox was almost entirely depraved of any feminine approval other than those is his family. However, as he becomes less conscience about how others feel about him and where his loyalties lie, he also begins to question what exactly he was looking for in an obviously gruesome war. Katarine's presence has also made him question how much exactly of a good soul could be found in a trained killer like herself. He also questions the anger that has built up over his life and compared it to the Asarians. Perhaps this same torment is what called for such a bloody conflict. How could he fight against an entire race who's very reason for a bloody holy war may be no different from both the frustration he feels nor the brash decision to kill and die just to feel comfortable and secure in the universe?

I want to find if there is a better way to develop the character more thoroughly. Tell me how you feel about this Lenox Casper character....Is there anyway I could, like capitalize further with his development? Tomorrow I'll see if I can slip in a little back story on Katarine as well.

[size=200]Frank![/size]

I want to hear your say in this.[/quote]

[quote='Tompson']Nigga you got to come up with some better names than Britainians and "Kay'an" people. Britainians is just gay and "Kay'an" just sounds way too much like some Na'vi Avatar ****. I feel like such a dick because I've read like 5% of this, but I'm just saying. Also, Assarian Empire is dumb because it sounds like Assyrian.[/quote]

[quote="Animepsyco"][quote="Aza"]AP? The **** is this?[/quote]

• to be honest.....I don't truly know myself yet.

[quote="Freeza Sama"]I believe he's planning to become NV's very own H.G. Wells... or something.[/quote]

class

:

[quote="Tompson"]Nigga you got to come up with some better names than Britainians and "Kay'an" people. Britainians is just gay and "Kay'an" just sounds way too much like some Na'vi Avatar ****. I feel like such a dick because I've read like 5% of this, but I'm just saying. Also, Assarian Empire is dumb because it sounds like Assyrian.[/quote]

Names are still work in progress of course, I copy/pasted this from 2 years and 6 months ago. The names [i]will[/i] change indefinitely I just needed to get the basic ideas down and from there chisel and flesh out the concepts and detail, trust me I felt like such a fag writing names like "Btitainina" over and over again. However, if you can recommend a few naming tips (such as whether I should name the places like Brittainia after one of their medieval gods, a person or some other cultural pinnacle for each respective region.) But where could I refer to though.

[quote]Also, Assarian Empire is dumb because it sounds like Assyrian.[/quote]

Asaria was derived from on of the names of Osiris, though I might choose one of the other instead of Asar (Asari, Aser, Ausar, Ausir, Wesir, Usir, Usire or Ausare).[/quote]

[quote="Animepsyco"]OK fellas I'm gonna try to give you a reasonable back story on Lenox's love interest. Katarine Von Wulfram

Katarine is the only daughter of the prestigious Wulfram family. Her grandfather was a rear admiral in in the nation's secondary fleet. A few months after the Empire began to divert their attention on the less involved nation her grandfather was killed while his fleet was patrolling a sector in the hamburg region of their territory by ambush. One of the first demonstrations to Katarine people of the Osiris' power. Her father is the commander of the aforementioned Saxony Strike carrier, while her uncle operates onboard as a drill sergeant for the marine and infiltration detachment "Jager".

In more domesticated affairs her grandparents of her mother's side of the family also control several moon-sized mining operations as well as a recognizable stake in almost dozen gas and mineral extraction operations. While neither parts of her lineage are no where near the largest or wealthiest in either the military or industrial sector, her family's presence in both which conveniently compliments the others' needs has escalated their (more specifically her and her siblings) presence on a national stage.

Katarine is a loving, caring 17 year-old with a remarkably strong (yet often naive) passion for justice who tries to embrace and befriend all she meets even if those she meets are severe social outcasts such as Lenox. Almost never showing signs of hate and disdain to even those who clearly despise her. However when left with no other option she isn't afraid to fight back for her sake or the sake of those she cares for. She looks at her family history with great pride and esteem, especially for her father.

Katarine is about 5'11" with an athletic build. She has dark green eyes and long lime green hair that runs just above her tailbone. Her skin is a pale pink color due to her living on the nation's capital, which has a relatively overcast atmosphere and on average has a high of 60 degrees and a low of -30 degrees. She wears a uniform crossed between a field officer and an office worker. Sporting a thick rugged dark green vest with a zipper down the center and a dark purple long sleeve spandex under it. Followed by an ankle length skirt with dark purple pantyhose. She wears rugged black and gray combat boots and gloves finished off with a long green military overcoat given if she's outside or not. Depending on if she's in combat or not, her vest will be less rugged with a more domestic look and her spandex undershirt will be switched for a button up blouse of the same color. Her boots are changed for softer, more feminine black shoes and she wears no gloves. (the country's military uniform is green [primary], purple [secondary], and black and gray [tertiary].)

Most of crew of the Saxony adore and idolize her for or warm personality, impressive lineage, and wonderful figure. Some have even hinted this out among their peers and even directly to her, despite this, she has never taken (if not fully realized) the attempts to start an intimate relationship with her seriously. Because of this, her father is remarkably relaxed about her involvement with the crew, and like his child, doesn't take their invoices as a threat.

However this all changes when she meets Lenox face to face for the first time. And for the first she shows strong interest in someone other than her father. She is quickly drawn to him and is one of the key individuals that cause great change in Lenox's personality, for better and worse. Unfortunately for Lenox, this new found relationship has also earned in the wrath of several member of the crew and made him subject to the captain's passive-aggressive tactics, which most are either contradicted by the more understanding drill sergeant or by Katarine herself. Some time later, they are transferred to the "Legionnaire", a highly advanced assault carrier which will compliment the advance bipeds that Lenox and now Katarine use. However despite the increase racial diversity on board their new home base, the discrimination against Lenox and his infatuation with him has grown even more. At one point this becomes so difficult Lenox suggests to her that she "keep her distance". This unfortunately greatly affects their combat usefulness together which at one point became a brief scuffle in the middle of a battle. Later on Lenox recognizes and accepts her nature, she continues to accompany him.

Lenox and Katarine revisited her father's ship to ask him about how he feels about Lenox, this grows into an argument about how adjustable and worthy he is in their society. He also explains to her of the severe backlash that could take place should she makes her business with him public. He then finishes with calling Lenox a "pathetic mutant" and her interests in him to be nothing more than a ridiculous fetish she needs to get over. Moments after a severe assault by the empire on all fronts begins to take place, things become so bad her father is left with the choice to sacrifice himself in order to allow his daughter and Lenox to escape along with the nearby Legionnaire and support vessels. Before they escape he patches through an emergency message in which he apologizes to the both of them for his unfair judgment earlier. Her father's loss leaves a manifesting dislike towards Asarians to the point where she almost abandoned her interest in Lenox. However Lenox reminds her of how he has been treated by her people his entire life. This revelation reminds her of the good rounded nature she once had. And allows her to continue onward.

I think that's a good synopsis for her character. Please leave feedback for areas I should look over.[/quote]

[quote="Animepsyco"]Here's a description of Katarine's father too.

Rudolf Von Wulffram is the father of Katarine and the son of Markus Von Wulfram. He has been in the service of the military for nearly 25 years and as such like his father his reputation precedes him both to his allies and even to his equivalents in the empire. Rudolf attended Koller military academy for the first 3 years of his career. Before the war began Rudolf steadily rose through the ranks while working in the nation's border guard. There he attained both an amazingly high kill and capture ratio of both passing smugglers and pirates raiding convoys in and out of the territories. At the start of the war was also instrumental in halting several trespassing Imperial ships believed to be on a reconnaissance mission to the following direct aggression. This finally earned him the command and loyalty of the worthy Strike carrier Saxony and her crew.

Rudolf is a generally stern man to his subordinates, but caring and loving to his family. Despite this he had spared no effort in raising children (especially his daughter) to be as wise and strong as he is, and therefore feels little threat when others try to become romantically involved with Katarine. However this abruptly changes when he and his daughter meet Lenox. He introduces himself to Lenox in a cold and unwelcoming manner, treating Lenox as an inconvenience despite him saving his daughter's life. Witnessing from afar the unusually intimate meeting between the two, he becomes more irrational and sensitive towards his daughter's affairs (even ones that were taken lightly in the past) especially with Lenox. Often ridiculing and ignoring any attempts Lenox makes to assist him in even the simplest of things. He also shows little pity towards him when unnecessarily harassed by his subordinates.

Rudolf has several reasons for disliking Lenox, one may simply be that he is very bitter with people of Asarian origin and therefore dislikes Lenox for that, another is that he feels great humiliation that the child of the world's most likely candidate for the "Axis" of World War 3 is gaining a strong foothold in his daughter's heart, concerned for potential damage it could do to the family's reputation, and to even extreme measures the subsequent problems that Katarine and her children may have their society (namely the social out casting as well as the speculated unstable behavioral patterns they may inherit) stemming from their impure blood and peculiar heritage.

When pressured to speak his feelings on the matter, he has a near physical confrontation with both Lenox and Katarine. Despite this, when they're backed into a corner by the empire he resorts to asking Lenox in a humble voice over a public channel to take care of his Katarine. With much regret he also apologizes for the amount of disrespect he has shown to a very respectable man. He even continues to say the terrible pain Lenox has gone through is symbolic for the war and strife and exclusion that had befallen the empire and it's precursors, asking that he doesn't let his grief grow and manifest itself in his view of those around him as his people have in their view of the rest of humanity.

He then evacuates the Saxony and single handedly cripples the better part of the empire's assault force before finally ramming the Saxony head first into their flagship. Destroying both ships and allowing the Legionnaire and other forces to fight off the remaining attackers.[/quote]

[quote='Animepsyco']I'm gonna give you something on the empire's "leader", Empress Zuna of the Asarian Empire AKA Osiris Imperium.

After the death of her father, the title of Empress shifted to Zuna about 5 years after the start of the war when she was only 10. At current she is 15 years old and the dominating power in the nation. She even possess more power than her father due to inheritance being matrilineal and the gynocentric influences in it's infancy. While she was the true ruler of their society, Adilah's parent-like influence over her ensured that her youth wouldn't be a sign of weakness or complacency for the nation. Allowing the war to continue long after her father's death without consideration for peace. Despite Adilah being more than capable of maintaining leadership, Zuna's bloodline was essential for keeping the 14 provinces united with one another. To Adilah, her blood was as dirty as anyone not an Asarian, however it was the glue and paste that kept the whole country from plunging into civil war or splinter away from the war.

Her primary thoughts are the stresses of maintaining the appearance of an icon of hope for the people while simultaneously forwarding the bloodshed on the battlefront. Zuna is a girted spokeswoman and a very competent persuader, often never having to resort to force other than raising her voice. Though she is merely a competent politician. Her prodigy shows not just in the arrangement of political priorities but mostly in the presentation of them. One the outside she extrudes to her company a supreme level of composure and high expectations. Swift and menacingly calm when eliminating obstacles of various forms. To her subordinates and those who work closely with her she appears both direct and cold, passive yet villainous, and somewhat aggressive. Bearing no tolerance to those who take her or her authority lightly.

Zuna is, at heart, a confused and feeble girl. Having little time for social interactions. She is lonely and irritable. Often lacking energy except when giving direction or defending her posture from critique. She possess little interest in things outside of her duties as Empress. Often carrying a saddened or broken posture when not observed, she has much unrest in her heart about the social caste system that was implemented by her father and his advisers and the succeeding war. But is too cowardly to accept the burden of leadership and thus relies too heavily on Adilah's awareness despite her suspicion of Adilah and her father's ideals. Unfortunately this takes a toll on her health while present on the Osiris flagship during it's assault and capture of the Chelsea planetary settlement of the Brittainians nation. Gagging and nearly collapsing at the site of war, yet her young heart is forced to abolish all compassion and guilt in order to protect her people from themselves and now, their new enemies. Despite her reliance on Adilah, her greatest fear is probably Adilah herself. Greatly ambitious and in many ways, superior to her.

I'll make changes and edits later I'm **** tired.

She first encounters Lenox and Katarine when they're are left with no choice but to fight off the full force of the Osiris and it's fleet after the invasion of Chelsea (Which the Legionnaire was stationed on.) After diverting smaller forces away from the battle, hides away the "Black Zero" (unofficial name for his mecha) and then makes his way onto a returning vessel that lands on the Osiris. Katarine is meanwhile securing the rest of the groups escape several miles away. After stealing a uniform belonging to the empire, he makes his way through the ship, rejoining briefly knowing this is the first time in a long time his bloodline wasn't a burden. Eventually he sneaks all the way to the Empress' chambers, there he witnesses a brief argument between Adilah and Zuna.

After which, Zuna then discovers Lenox hiding away. She demands to know what business has has there, not realizing what side he is on. In an attempt to calm her down, he draws closer, telling her to "shush". Insulted, Zuna becomes even more aggressive until finally Lenox grabs her and tries to quiet her down by force. They scuffle until her personal guards of the empress bust in and realize the situation. Using Zuna as a hostage, he manages to escape. They reach the secondary bridge before meeting Colonel Togo, one of the field commanders for the ground forces Combing Chelsea. A brief conversation is followed by Lenox being subdued by one of the Colonel's men. Before being personally executed by Togo, Zuna steps in and asks for him only to be detained for questioning. As the carry him away, Togo listens in on his ear piece and then quietly walks behind Empress Zuna and raises his sidearm to the back of her head. Giving solid and threaten eye contact to those in view of him and Zuna. Just before he pulls the trigger, Lenox screams to warn her of the attempt on her life. Just as Zuna spins around the floor below Togo collapses, causing him to fire his weapon and hit Zuna in the Shoulder instead. The lower half of the room continues to shatter as a large silver fist plows into wall. Katarine's mecha along with the "Perceptual Response Unit" activated Black Zero begin a surprise assault on the Osiris. In the confusion, Lenox pulls an injured Zuna into his Mecha. As they fly away Katarine states, she couldn't wait any longer. Seeing Zuna in Lenox's arms she jealously begins questioning him about who she is.

5:00 am here guys I'll continue.

When returns to the Legionnaire, Zuna is detained and loosely questioned by the captain with both Lenox, Katarine, and a few others in the room. Her racist teachings became apparent as well as her confusion in where Lenox stands in all of this. Katarine leans towards her while speaking a few words directed at the captain, resulting in a smack from Zuna, followed by a toss across the room by Kararine, and a headlock from Lenox on Katarine to restrain her. The conflict within Zuna about her very own teachings were apparent for an experienced individual like the captain. With that, he asked Lenox to take Katarine back to her room. Almost having to fight her into the hallway as she spouted out countless profanities in German (Yes her people descend from that region.) Asking in a clam voice, he spoke to her as if her were a humble fan of hers. He even leaned over to adjust her bandages from the incident earlier. With this she became more cooperative, calm, and respectful, even changing her posture to show appreciation to her captor's courtesy. He then asked if all Asarians were charmingly clever as her. She turned away blushing slightly. "I think you want more than this" the captain said as he made his way to the door. She begins to wonder what exactly "more" meant.

As time moves on Zuna finds herself drawn to Lenox, much to Katarine's dismay, this puts strain on their relationship. Zuna's question about his life with the others unlike them makes her (reluctantly) change her way of viewing the other races. However, as with Lenox she is faced with bigotry and rejection. Though not being exposed is the "empress" and "leader" of their great enemy (outside of the ship), she finds it very difficult to cope with all the atrocities that her father and people have been committing through the course of this war, with the ethnic cleansing of all non Asarians, and reprogramming of all the Asarians who left the empire in infancy (with the adults being labeled traitors and detained executed.) This becoming a common vantage point Katarine takes against her. Unfortunately she doesn't realize the distasteful vibe it gives Lenox, This happened to be just one more thing that Lenox has had far too much experience with himself, causing Lenox to shift even further away from her. Zuna's continued interference eventually leads to a face to face argument, that erupts into a fist fight that results in Katarine quite badly beating Zuna. Leaning in Zuna's favor, Lenox, remembering her attitude towards him after her father's death. Begins to wonder if this is what may happen if Katarine should "get tired of him." Lenox had no idea what to think of Katarine, she stood by him when everyone else treated him like the "red-eyed black sheep of the family", but in the end she was just as brutal to Zuna as all his adversaries were to him over the years. Not only that, she used the fact that Zuna was both an Asarian and the current war with them as an excuse to justify her actions. In short, he began to think that Katarine, his savior from social peril, was only holding onto him because of her undoubted attraction to him. But did she respect his heritage?[/quote]

[b]Kinda melding Story synopsizes to the characters they correlate to. Any ways tell me, as always if there may be a way to capitalize any any character developments or any cliche's that unnecessary.[/b]

[quote="Krull"]Ok I did a quick read-through and you do good,character development is good and story is fine,but if I wrote it it would be a bit different as your style is more...I guess more like a game manual then anything,not bad if it's how you write since you can do it.

Here,if it's aright,I re-wrote a section just to show how I would word it/write it:

"Desperation:

As time went on the fleet found itself far off course and drifting past several large gas clouds,magnetic storms,and finally a huge barrier known by some at that time as the golden Beast (it takes the form of a cat or,perhaps,tiger-like appearance when seen from the earth) the crew found itself utterly unable to navigate back home or even their original intended course and the only option at that point was to hold on to the present heading and hope they would find some safe haven before time ran out,before the fighting began again,before the food ran out,or before the engines failed...

There they found themselves swallowed up in the beast-like nebula, with only the vain hope that behind this cosmic behemoth there was a land that would bring them the sustenance they had once taken for granted so long ago. Another five years had passed since they first found themselves lost and with little to no direction. It became more and more common to find one's mother or father hanging from the ceiling, a metaphor for the hope that had been so violently suffocated throughout the fleet. But despite these large casualties, the people in this group were still very numerous, what's more is that they've still allowed themselves to get out of bed in the morning, and this was all that was needed to assure their future...this,of course,was all that they could do."

Now that's just me and how I write,but I did read that trying to vary words and not repeating or using something that sound similar is a good idea,you don't do that but I'm a bit more...descriptive the way I write.

Again that's me and maybe not you,but you asked for an honest assessment and that's mine.

I'll re-read it again in a bit,but I do like what you're doing :thumbs up:[/quote]

[size=2]Once again guys I know it's muddle and I quoted others from a forum to give better context. But please if you can find it in your time to comment, specifically on some of the mojor comments.[/size]

I'm considering this character, Anton Von Wulfram into the fray, though I'm unsure whether he may be a minor or major character (or possibly in between).

He's partially inspired by Sesshomaru's haughtiness and androgynous appearance from Inuyasha.

Anton Von Wulfram is the older brother of Katarine Von Wulfram. Born two years before Katarine. Like his sister he is both highly respected and well known for his linage. However, unlike is sister, he is somewhat feared by those directly below him. Often pejoratively called "Astor" rather than his real name by others in his absence due to his personality being very ambitious and slightly predator-like. He, like Katarine, shares great interest in family affairs, but unlike Katarine, his interest lean towards the professions on his mother's side, such as the mineral and natural resource economy, and, more precisely, the political maneuvering often involved.

Anton could be considered a cross between Empress Zuna and Katarine (read above to understand the comparisons). Like his sister, he is generally benign, calm and collective, often seeing petty attacks directed at his character not to be worth his time. However, like Zuna, when a threat does reveal itself, given the situation, Anton will react to it with swift and merciless action. He speaks and acts in a subtle manner, almost never raising his voice and showing only slight dissatisfaction to even some of the most infuriating insults.

Despite being male, Anton is very similar in appearance to his younger sister. He has long green hair in roughly the same style as hers, green eyes, pale white skin, and a very slim build, almost slimmer than Katarine's due to her activity in the military, unlike himself. When they were younger, he would often be confused with Katarine, even to the extent he was believed to be a younger sister of Katarine. He is very annoyed by this common error. Despite his seemingly relaxed reaction to most annoyances, he shows little remorse for those who insult him for his androgyny.

Despite Katarine's somewhat superior shape, Anton however, is still quite able to defend himself from physical attacks, including her's. When he first encounters Lenox, he is mistaken for Katarine, showing mild discomfort, he then introduces himself as Katarine's elder brother. However, as he begins to introduces himself to Lenox's family, friends, and associates, their reaction to his feminine qualities become apparent. Some mistake him for the "little sister" of Katarine, while Lenox's step father jokingly comments on him now having [i]two[/i] beautiful "girlfriends". Later on Anton meets up with Lenox and confronts him on the issue. However Lenox misreads his passive-aggressive stance and tries to calm him by first apologizing for their behavior and then jokingly agreeing with everyone's initial thought, infuriating Anton. With this, he says in a quiet but demanding voice: "you will respect my manhood....even if I have to separate you from yours." He then reaches inside his coat to reveal a short staff with a black spade at the end, which extents to reveal it's nature as a spear. He quickly demonstrates his skill with this weapons before charging Lenox. After mostly evading Anton's attacks, Lenox is finally cornered and pinned to the ground. Katarine then intervenes, resulting in a brief skirmish, ending with Anton saying "you may be the second to follow father, but you hardly deserve the Wulfram". He then leaves an exhausted and somewhat shaken Katarine with little sign of fatigue.

Anton's attitude towards Lenox rest in between his younger sister and his father's. He isn't outwardly kind to Lenox, however, he bears no hostility towards him as his father Rudolf despite his origin. He does however insist on calling him "Moritz" rather than Lenox because of his dark skin. Despite nearly killing him earlier, Anton provides him with helpful information about Katarine, their father, Zuna, and the Empire as a whole, allowing him work and act more appropriately in their presence. He does so with Zuna to a greater extent. While initially intimidated by Anton, he realizes her insecurities and helps her past them. She and he can often be found discussing high intellect topics regarding politics or societal issues.

[quote="Raskolnikov"][quote="Animepsyco"][quote="Raskolnikov"][quote="Animepsyco"][quote="Frank"]yeah that's cool.[/quote]

Bit more detail is to why frank?[/quote]

Because it's always great to see empires fall?[/quote]

I'm more concerned with ways to fully exploit the setting and the characters. I don't want it to be stiff like some made for tv sci-fi but I also am trying to avert from making it super cheesy like star wars. Not saying star wars is cheesy, but that is that and this is this to put it simply.[/quote]

I've been ignoring this thread for most of the time. When you first posted it, I was going to read it, then I changed my mind. Now I've finally got around to getting into it, and I've got to say —

DAYUM, AP! I'm impressed! You're doing some [i]very[/i] intelligent and mature things that I don't even see done in the most supposedly intelligent and mature science fiction these days. For example, by fleshing out the most intimate details of a society and culture, like exploring their CASTE system, social (not just political) culture, and etc. — retaining all the foibles and vices you see in our everyday, real-life human race, and applying similar concepts to this fictional culture of yours (things that most movies and books shy away from) That gives this an unprecedented level of sophistication, realism, and maturity that seems really relevant to me now. I'm sure an anthropologist would be greatly pleased with what you're doing.

What you're doing here reminds me of J.R.R. Tolkien. He constructed an elaborate, and realistic, fantasy world (creating entire world histories and languages) before he even began writing his stories. There's actually a literary term for this kind of writing, but I can't remember what it is. It's like [i]Star Trek[/i], too.

I say keep at it until it has enough of a foundation to set stories to. It shows quality.[/quote]

I'm glad you feel this way. Now I'm trying build a relatively plausible character base for the story. One that's realistic, funny, but believable. Badass but receptive to both their personality and situation. Zuna's not gonna bust in with a galting gun to fend off an enemy battleship while in space is she? Katarine must have a remarkable size for a woman to even be able to counter the men she fights, hence she being 2 inches taller than Lenox and her size is even illustrated by it's superiority over her brother's. She's not a brick wall but she is equal or greater than your average soldier. Lenox being an Asarian raised in a country at war with his own kind would more than likely experience cold hard racism, and he may also experience at times a need to prove himself to be just like everyone else. (Un)fortunately his unique lineage might help to attract one or two damsels (Katarine and Zuna most notable and a few others I'm considering).

[quote="Raskolnikov"][quote="Animepsyco"][quote="Raskolnikov"][quote="Animepsyco"][quote="Frank"]yeah that's cool.[/quote]

Bit more detail is to why frank?[/quote]

Because it's always great to see empires fall?[/quote]

I'm more concerned with ways to fully exploit the setting and the characters. I don't want it to be stiff like some made for tv sci-fi but I also am trying to avert from making it super cheesy like star wars. Not saying star wars is cheesy, but that is that and this is this to put it simply.[/quote]

I've been ignoring this thread for most of the time. When you first posted it, I was going to read it, then I changed my mind. Now I've finally got around to getting into it, and I've got to say —

DAYUM, AP! I'm impressed! You're doing some [i]very[/i] intelligent and mature things that I don't even see done in the most supposedly intelligent and mature science fiction these days. For example, by fleshing out the most intimate details of a society and culture, like exploring their CASTE system, social (not just political) culture, and etc. — retaining all the foibles and vices you see in our everyday, real-life human race, and applying similar concepts to this fictional culture of yours (things that most movies and books shy away from) That gives this an unprecedented level of sophistication, realism, and maturity that seems really relevant to me now. I'm sure an anthropologist would be greatly pleased with what you're doing.

What you're doing here reminds me of J.R.R. Tolkien. He constructed an elaborate, and realistic, fantasy world (creating entire world histories and languages) before he even began writing his stories. There's actually a literary term for this kind of writing, but I can't remember what it is. It's like [i]Star Trek[/i], too.

I say keep at it until it has enough of a foundation to set stories to. It shows quality.[/quote]

I'm glad you feel this way. Now I'm trying build a relatively plausible character base for the story. One that's realistic, funny, but believable. Badass but receptive to both their personality and situation. Zuna's not gonna bust in with a galting gun to fend off an enemy battleship while in space is she? Katarine must have a remarkable size for a woman to even be able to counter the men she fights, hence she being 2 inches taller than Lenox and her size is even illustrated by it's superiority over her brother's. She's not a brick wall but she is equal or greater than your average soldier. Lenox being an Asarian raised in a country at war with his own kind would more than likely experience cold hard racism, and he may also experience at times a need to prove himself to be just like everyone else. (Un)fortunately his unique lineage might help to attract one or two damsels (Katarine and Zuna most notable and a few others I'm considering).

edited 11th Jul '11 12:52:23 AM by qwertyray25

Another piece of Q&A ALPHA = QWERTY Ray 25 OMEGA = Feedbacker

OMEGA: Damn..sorry, Hit the send button by mistake.

What if the "thing" that drives them apart is a misunderstanding of some sort. Say neither is in the wrong, but both feel guilty.

They do have different "bosses" or higher ups right?.

Maybe some kind of pressure on her to Kill Lenox, as an "Order" from her superiors. When she doesn't hop on the transport with Lenox, he sees it as a betrayal, but she sees it as the only way to save his life, even if it meant killing herself in the process.

Infidelity is so overused as a vehicle to move the plot along (My opinion... I see it to much in to many stories these days).

I mean, it's outcomes are predictable. Would Lenox really be enticed to cheat on Katerine? A chick so hot that she has a whole ship drooling behind her?

After not having a family (Lenox), and then having one, would he throw that all away on a fling? Lenox comes across to me as a "Stand up kinda guy", maybe he is a bit misunderstood, but betrayal (relationship wise) just doesn't seem to fit him (my thoughts on it) as a character. He seems to bleed out loyalty to me as a character, and Katerine the one deserving of his utmost loyalty.

He searches for a father figure to latch onto in different things I've read. He has vowed to keep her safe (to her father). They have a set of twins together. It seems like everything that he ever wanted just gets taken away, and he is at a loss to the real reason why. Maybe there is an angle there you can exploit to get him to that Anti-villian aspect of his life.

I just find it hard to believe that Katerine would just "give up" on Lenox. Even with her "Jealous" streak. She would though "Save" his life and hers, even if it meant lying to him. Knowing that if she told him the truth, he would fight and die fighting.

And someone has to go look for their kids. Maybe she on some level is compromised, maybe turns into the Super Villian that Lenox spends a vast amount of time Looking for. Not knowing of course that it is Katerine, He thinking she died on the dock platform as the transport pulled away.

Our own actions can be judged. If I go out and willing harm someone or something out of a desire to fill a personal need I have, then I am a "Bad guy".

But if I act out because of an external push or shove, (I have no food for my kids cause goverment is corrupt so i steal a loaf of bread) my resulting action is still wrong but justifiable.

When a character has no other choice but the bad choice being presented, the characters actions after are justifiable. This could be Katerine's angle on it. She has to do something she that is forced on her. Instead of killling Lenox like she is ordered, she chooses to die (but doesn't). Here is where she looses her memory of her past life and becomes the super villian Lenox is so hard pressed to find and kill and at the same time not knowing that it is her and that she is alive. (brainstorming there a bit, don't know if it fits in with what you've got, but Ill throw it out there anyway.)

I think as readers we tend to throw down "labels" on a character. "Bad guy", "Good guy", "Cheat", ect ect.

Throwing a "Unfaithful spouse" label on Lenox, just doesn't seem to fit his already defined character and motivations.

(jeje...Maybe its just me sticking up for Lenox... I'm liking the guy as a character.)

Alpha: You have an interesting points no doubt. Some of the best I've ever gotten. I wanted to make Lenox's despair more tangible. Make him feel years later that it was his fault that his love died (supposedly.) And then being surprised when she shows up 15+ years later. Her becoming more familiar with her past life up to that point could give me so advantageous angles I felt. She could forgive around the time her memories begin to complete. I don't know if you seen the anime "nadia secret of blue water", but the paternal reveals and pasts actions and how they affected the plot were epic.

Your approach seems to be more of what eva did to Naked snake in MGS 3 (or was it her? Her of a collection of them from that series.), though resulting in a total loss of memory and no drive or understanding as to whats pulling her to Lenox again.

Regarding the unfaithful spouse thingy, yeah, it does dirty a rather clean cut character, not too befitting. Though his moral will surely be tested throughout the Asari war it may be tricky to see how they are tested regarding to his Katarine. While at the end of that particular war they'll definitely be together for 2 or 3 years. But life, stress, post-traumatic-stress-disorder, and the lot will definitely cloud their judgment and how they view and treat each other. And at a point where it seems hopeless and almost a waste of time trying to patch things up, her comes one of Katarine's competitors back for a second slice of Lenox.

At first it's simply an innocent meeting between the two in which this woman in question tries to have him express his feelings for his mess of a life with Katarine. But the visits become more frequent, get longer start later, and end up even further away from the subject of Katarine and Lenox. Old feelings between Lenox and this woman whom he once spent the most dire and life changing experiences with alongside Katarine resurface. He can't contain it any longer, for just a single night, she has him, Katarine's lost him. He embraces her lusting form, she embraces his. He's gone. Next time, Katarine, breaks down apologizes for all the mistakes and misunderstandings they've had recently, swearing to make things right. Upon hearing this, falls apart on the inside, but he doesn't lose his composure, only embracing her, silently.

Some time later things have gotten slightly better, Lenox and Katarine have adapted to their lives as a couple and parents. The woman who seduced Lenox has faded from his daily life though, this time reintroducing herself to Katarine as well with something...extra. A child just a little younger than her own. She doesn't mention who the father is, she doesn't need to, not to Lenox anyhow. He realizes almost instantly, but, doesn't mention anything either, pretending it to be the first time he's encountered this woman since the end of the war. The charade doesn't last. Katarine, almost insultingly, spending more time with the child discoveries an indistinguishable trait between between this child, Lenox and her own. Her gut feeling takes over, knowing she couldn't be wrong, confronts Lenox in full force (and I mean full force.), and nearly killing the other woman, Rendering them staying together impossible at current.

This is almost immediately concluded by the military dropping in to say hi and being pulled back into hell and back.

That's a rough draft as to what happened to them over the next 4 or 5 years after the war. tell me more about your take on it.

I'm still VERY interested in some of your suggestions as they sound a bit more...fitting for the genre. The hero running around banging (or being banged by) half the chicks he knows might be a bit lame if done improperly.

I look forward to more input from you. I'll also be comments on the other suggestions you made in this post, but it's dumb late and I gotta be at work in like 5 hours, so ta-ta.

OMEGA: Yea... I'm not to Hip on the Love Triangle thing. It sounds like I'm reading the backscript of some really bad reality show.(Apologies if that stings, but I would not be honest if I didn't state it.)

What if there was a twist somewhere, were you can let Lenox still be crystal clean in regards to being honorable to Katerine. Maybe the "new chick" that wants to seduce him, is under orders to bear a child with him because of his Genetics. A child that will be experimented on, or turned into a supersoldier or whatever. (could add a new story arc in the Lenox vs his own Monster Son chapter.)

Lenox doesn't actually sleep with her at his moment of weakness. When the "other Chick" sees that seduction is not going to work on Lenox, she is forced to drug him and steal his genetic material from him and have it implanted in her. That way the whole storyline stays the same with the exception of Lenox not having a "Cheat" label thrown on him in the eyes of the reader. Also adds to a reader being more accepting of Lenox's position. He didn't cheat, but all proof available says he did. He even believes he did because he can't remember. Only the reader knows the whole truth. On down the road in the future, it can be used to ease any reconciliation between Lenox and Katerine, i.e. since he didn't cheat, and was actually the victim of a sinister plan, it would allow Katerine to make amends with him and have a valid reason to use all that silent rage she carried around for so long and focus it on the person deserving of that rage, the "Sinister genetic stealing, family breaking Tramp."

Just some thoughts...Cheers oZoneRanger

Alpha: I was trying to make it so the love triangle not so moronic or tasteful even. Zuna is not really "after" Lenox per se. She pretty much finds herself in her comfort zone when she's around him. He's the only Asarian other than herself throughout the majority of the time she's detained. He's something of a practice guy for her romantic fantasies. The other girl is more over a kinda "go with the flow" in the spiritual sense. She's not truly after Lenox either, but the connection with him isn't sexual or even romantic. It morally like siblings or childhood friends discovering one another. She means no harm and even believes in his relationship with Katarine. However like Lenox, her instinct takes over at times.She's good woman but not with mastering her desire. The only person truly on in love with Lenox is Katatrine. In all ways fundmentally. But she struggles with her place in his life due to the complex feeling of a sheltered, tyrant's own confused meddling.

The part about genetic theft seems like an interesting concept though it would contrast with the description I gave you. Though I could say thing about destiny and how it forced him to release himself into her. An experience required to prepare him emotionally to the next step (which could be him and Katarine being sent to the compound later. And the child is simply a byproduct)

But in the main story precluding to their time together as parents, I wanted Katarine to feel at times like she has no hope in winning over Lenox against an overlord of the most powerful empire in human history. Not because Zuna's a mega-seductress or because the other woman is the Maryanne Magdalene of Eon. But simply because she, like the other cannot grasp their feelings in truth. They think they want it but they realize they didn't, or it was just lust, or they choose to leave him alone because they like him so much they would give him up just so he can be happy.

In that same arc I intended to (through one way or another) put Katarine in a position of forced betrayal were she and he has to truly fight her feelings and fears in order be together. A form of brainwashing but not mind control. Consider it like this: At one point the enemies drugs/abuse/ her to a state of equilibrium. Where all her feelings of affection and love towards everything in her life is vanquished. She's so broken she can't tell the difference between right and wrong. She, in a way makes a "perfect choice" based on logic and survivability instead of empathy (which is what most people have when they make any conscience choice.) From there I could use it as a point of despair for Lenox and open season for the other two. Lenox with every second he sees his love in this emotionless state, he becomes more and more doubtful he can bring her back. With this he, without realizing it slips closer to the others (most intimately Zuna [on her end mostly] and most sexually the other [God I need a name for this girl, if you can help pick one out for me that'll help out a lot. A name for a mystical/sexual character perhaps the name of a famous witch or seductress or a Maryanne Magdalene type].) and at the moment of truth makes his decision though not entirely whole (leaving tension between him and the other.)

I think I should also explain what makes Lenox and Katarine so special and cut out to fight in these prototypes I mentioned earlier. Not only are these prototype advanced in both combat performance and resilience. they have at type of auxiliary "furnace" or "engine" that added to the power output. The fuel is the user themselves or more precisely the emotions and perceptions of that particular person. Like hydrogen atoms colliding with their counterparts and destroying themselves in the creation of nuclear energy, the furnace is a mysterious, self fueling, reactor. Using a network of complex nanomachines to enhance and solidify the connection or "bond" if you will to their master. There's also an added component that both monitors and regulates how much of these emotions are sent to the furnace to create the required amount of energy. A circuit breaker of sorts. They also have a conscience of their own. Not meaning they "dominate' their host, but they (as in the said control device or reactive substance in the "furnace" or "reactor") monitor, and very passively instigate the emotions of their host not necessarily for their own motives (if they were have any) but to enhance or "optimize" their "fuel source" for the circumstances ahead which would, in this case Katarine and Lenox.

I believe you came across the loose draft I made explain the four "alignments". I wanted to make that along with the lost technology of the earlier mentioned race all relate to one another. An extension of human form embodied in their technology. Give the machines (the forty-four's and select thirty-eights) a life of their own without it being such a plot device, but let them develop as an indicator for the characters.

For instance Lenox's anger might be the prime source of power for his machine. He's power, intimidating, and somewhat lost because of that. As he encounters romantic feelings for others his rage may diminish, or it may increase. Perhaps lust and sexual desires block out his focus totally, much like how Aang the avatar's (from Avatar: The Last Airbender) chakras were blocked by negative emotions. Perhaps his goal is to find an equilibrium within himself, just so he can transform his fury into a clean source, One he can invoke but won't possess him. Suppose after every few battles, Katarine and Lenox's emotions have been knocked out of sync and are becoming unstable they have to take a shot to numb themselves temporarily in order to prevent long term damage? I want the use of this secret weaponry to mirror what the character's are feeling inside, how human emotion affects them affects even their machine's effectiveness.

I know these aren't super original and they've been done before to an extant. But perhaps I could put my bit of flavor into it, maybe reinvent these concepts.

OMEGA: Hey... apologies... Things going on in the world... had a more than heavy work load lately ...lots of reading... So when I did have some time, I spent it playing a bit. I needed to let my brain breath so to speak.

Name for the Girl "Azena" for Athena and Xena ... tongue.gif Perfect mix of mystical and beat your ass with a sword....and ..they are both reputed to be "Ho T".

Very cool Idea on the using the Mecas running off of the emotions of a pilot. First thing that came to mind was that movie with Clint Eastwood where he steals a russian plane cause he can think in Russian. ei molded to an individual or set, but you take it a very nice step further with an "Emotion Reactor".

Yea... if they are emotionally fragile at any point, it would stand to reason that the Mecas would have "glitches". You might be able to incorporate that with Katherine and her metal trauma.. ie another reason she is screwed up is, that if say, on doing a mission she needs the utmost power flowing, she has to remember something to make her angry enough to make the Meca be able to survive... Mission after Mission the same memory or sets of memories base on what the Meca needed to do... Sort of a way to Pilot or "fly" the Mecas on a lower level of the brain so to speak...All kinds of things you can play around with When you have robot skin that feeds of off or sometimes demands raw emotion.

Do the Mecas at all become aware of them selves at all? Do they at some point get altered the same way the Sapiens do? It could work both ways... The Mecas start to store up emotion in a reserve battery or something... and at some point become self aware...go on a rampage to which Lenox and Katherine are blamed ..or maybe just Hers is the one that goes crazy and Lenox has to go out and kill it...thinking that she was in there but having no choice...Because the alternative was the loss of a 4000 person transport or the Meca..(or something like that) Could add a whole twist in that Katherine would have another item in her about Lenox..."He would have killed her had she been in the Meca"... Just Brainstorming.. Could make it early one, before they get sent to the station together.

Anyways...that's all I got right now mate...I really think the emotional fuel fed robot idea is excellent. Very good staging ground to really expose your characters inner strengths and weakness in an unconventional way. You should capitalize on it.

That is all I got for now... Gonna go rest my eyes in a Pint of Beer...and my brain in a spliff... cool.gif shhhhhh. Its been a long week...jeje...

Cheers oZoneRanger

Alpha: Excellent just excellent. That's what I was trying to capitalize on. I don't know if you read that new thread I made today but. In a nutshell I got high off something POWERFUL. I'm still shaking it off. But while I was recovering from the main hit I had another idea about it, this one was inspired by the avatar state from the last airbender.

Complimenting the idea of emotional reactor, I thought of a state of absolute focus, power and precision. It is the combination of all the thoughts, skills, knowledge, and emotions of every moment of everyday of one's life, focusing through their mind and body (and transmitted to the "emotional" reactor.) Given the circumstances it may be activated impulsively almost entirely

It can be done alone resulting in a comparably minor boost of ability. It could also be triggered in duality (for example Katarine and Lenox together in sync) resulting in a critical boost of their mecha's abilities and mirrored in themselves. They share the skills, and emotions rather than build them in themselves. In this state they are at their most powerful, but they are their most vulnerable. In this state Lenox is Katarine's Life and Katarine is his death. His Alpha and her Omega Their beginning, their end. If one were to die while in this paradox, the very fabric of their conscience will be disrupted and even possibly broken. And the "Other" will cease to...exist.

Worst case would be the survivor never recovering their sanity, especially fitting since "lovers" often go mad after losing their partner. It could make some great scenes with Katarine threatening Lenox's saftey or even...HER FATHER by attempting to take her life while still employing that frame of mind. Oh wow that would be a great scene huh? Back on topic: I'm intending for this to happen at least two or three times, with the last having one almost completely falling through. The Asar uses this to their advantage. Utilizing some of their own "magic" to coax Katarine to their side.

Waddya think?

P.S. Also "magic" referencing to the stuff that Lenox's mom uses (the whole control of blood and their components and their counterparts)

I also would like you to look into any other parts of the excepts for things you may not understand or have questions/ideas for.

~00

edited 8th Jul '11 5:03:32 PM by qwertyray25

visitorQ:

I was talking about independent social evolution. The Moses reference was really basic, just looking at how he was one of the Jews, then became Egyptian, then a Jewish prophet. He left the Jews and returned with divinity. It's like...your story has a similar vibe, only no one sees the Kay'an transformation as divinity.

I'm interested to see how other cultures receive the Kay'ans and whether there is still any common ground between them and the larger society. Like, how they think, what their reaction would be to conflict, to various social issues, etc. It's probably going to be complicated to write about, but I guess what I'm wondering is how they have become different. I would assume that their interpretation of their powers has had a profound effect on their perception of the world. I wanna know what that effect is. Are they morally "worse" or "better" for it? Does their inherent human selfishness make them egotistical about it, or has their devotion to the divine caused them to transcend such pettiness?

That's what I meant with those few sentences you highlighted.

ALPHA:

1)I'm not entirely sure of how I'll go about it. I guess they, the "Asari" (I'm not going with that Kay'an shit anymore) can probably be compared to a few instances as which a portion of humanity is forced to changed by some means or another, like the Helghast (Killzone series) for instance. I would say they're most comparable to off the top of my head. As I'm trying to see them off now, they're large group of individuals originating from the continent of Africa and parts of the middle east sent off on a fleet of colony ship consisting mostly of option-less individuals of some sort (prisoners, desperate, poor, or even thrill seeking individuals), much like the rest of the nations in my story but (secretly) under the direct control of another entity or more precisely, a soon to be entity (Brythania not going with the other name.) With two objectives both unknown to them: to "pioneer" the Eon super-cluster though at some point it became apparent it wasn't the set destination as was told, and to, if by some miracle survive to their intended drop-off point they would from there function as a resources colony to the arriving nations.

After nearing their would be home world the Asari became restless, started losing hope, and hating the other (would be) nations. Around this point they sent off a group of scouts explore the nearby planets in this system. Due to complications a few of them are killed off before making an emergency landing on one of them planets. A few months pass by and all but two (lets call them Adam and Eve for kicks) mysteriously succumb to the terrain atmosphere. They remaining two struggle and fight for survival on this rugged wasteland having their bodies mangled and twisted to adapt to this harsh environment (the "mutations" mentioned in the old thread.) Eventually they bear a child, with the same mutations as it's parents. Another scout ship lands on the planet and luckily comes across the survivors, taking them back to the rag-tag fleet they left long ago.

Met with peculiar eyes, the two return to life with the rest of the colony fleet all dying to know what exactly happened out there. Adam tells about their perils and struggle conveniently leaving out the danger of the planets environment and even suggesting it's use as a homeworld. Eve questions him on why he left out such important details, he replies saying they should find out on their own. Later on the Council of Commodores (every colony fleet has one of these) decide to not to set foot on the planet due to health reasons, now knowing they situation as to why the survivors bear such odd traits now, this frustrates Adam, complaining of the lack of time they have to find a world and arguing how insignificant their perils was to the people of Earth namley the European powers that funded and really control the fleet's directions.. While speaking with a communications officer on the bridge a transmission is received from one of the other fleets heading into Eon, Adam attempts to convince him they shouldn't rely on their assistance as it'll be only repeat of what happened on earth centuries ago. This erupts into a fight which Adam loses and is detained for. Adam explains to Eve while visiting him in the brig that this could be their people's chance to "start free" continuing to say a new existence awaits them, a new identity. Eve reminds him of all those who died while on that planet and agrees on the commodores' choice to leave it behind. Adam silently watches as she walks away.

After being freed a few days later he learns of the response to the neighboring fleets and plots against it, desperate to stop the fleet from launching. Adam murders and fights his way to the bridge of one of the Fleets flagships attempt to initiate a fleet lock-down and send them into a irreversible course into the lower atmosphere. Eve makes a feeble plea for him to stop, stating it's not too late to turn back. Adam denies her cries and forces his way past Before he is able completely go through with his plan (locking down only 80% of the ships in the fleets) he is pinned down by the ship's captain who fights him for control of his firearm. Eve also appears holding both men at gunpoint. Adam still begs for her to understand explaining that even in their struggles on that worlds it will only bring the strongest of their people forward allowing a new era of greatness for them. The captain gains the upper hand revealing another weapon, but before he can use it Eve fires her to save Adam. Partial shaken by her decision Adam accesses to the control panels, claiming this Eden will be "just for them." In sadness and anger Eve hits and shoves Adam before breaking down in his arms, both not realizing which commands where put through in the confusion. A number of ships given an unknown course and while the rest were destined for the planet's surface.

That was the major starting point I was pondering a few months ago what do you think?

1) I guess I may have emphasized a bit much on some of the zealotry, making it seem a bit more mainstream as to what may have start the war in which our main characters are involved in. I would say it was a cumulative of ideals, both young and old. Such as discovering their true purpose being there as laborers instead of a new beginning, or their view of abandonment they felt once realized what was really going on. It even dates back to ancient times, slavery, oppression, war, and the whole lot piling up over the centuries, with the right individuals being convinced that war is an option. Another prequel incident of Asar is the scheming visits performed by Brythania after the Asari find their true Homeworld, a far less hostile environment.

The general story I have in mind could be compared to the abuse of the 13 colonies once ruled by the British 200 years ago. In the sense that even with their planet fall and settlement on the planet now known as Asar the Brythanian government has still created an umbrella of servitude over the Asari population, funding programs further strip the nearby systems for all usable resources and create an economic monopoly between itself and the other fleets of Eon (Eon is the name I'm going with to name the super cluster of stars the whole story takes place on.)

2) At some point violent revolution takes place and the slow unification and militarizing (or at least the seeds of it) of the Asari colonies in a bid to repulse Brythanian occupation. Which through much bloodshed proves successful. Forced to acknowledge Asar bid for independence and new way of life Brtythania's position in Eon was drastically shifted and so was Asar. (This in itself could be s good story arc)

3) I would have to say their new found looks and powers didn't effect them mentally but merely activated their egotism. At some point the possible resent they felt for their (past) predicament was, with the help of champions of their people, transformed into pride. Much like the minorities of today. That with fear of being "taken over" by their neighbors again is probably one of the greatest reasons if anything, xenophobia , as well as the pain of knowing both them and their ancestors were and are (currently to an extent) judged and enslaved for being different and perceived as inferior both religiously and physically.

4) Their powers aren't really significant at all. Merely refraction of a very unique frequency of light allows them a type of x-ray vision when surrounded by a substance (I'll call it "crying Isis" for now) that can't be penetrated with any other instrument. It gives them a superb advantage in the current war and in their revolution, seeing as their home systems were very much littered with it. They also learned how to transport and reproduce it. I suppose it isn't a blatantly obvious strength to the or their opponents, but it works for a reasonable advantage.

I'm not too keen with them just having superbly high technology to beat their enemies down. I'm more willing to be a slow but steadily successful war for the Asari. Superior numbers, advantage of the environment and genius tactics makes for a better war plot I would feel.

I would like your opinions on each paragraph and how you feel about them. That include the two prequel story arcs I alluded to as well. The "Adam and Eve" piece and the "revolution of Asari."

Also could you leave some feedback about the character profiles I made back in that first feedback thread?

I put it to a word counter. That's a bit less than 19951 words. That's... not good for getting feedback.

What would you suggest exactly?

For starters, I'd recommend you try to condence it to a synopsis that's actually short. Not bigger than 1000 words. Then maybe provide links to that thread in case we'd like more info or something.

Alright I'll do just that. I'll formit in a nutshell. Circulating around the main characters, their worlds, and their goals.