Pony Fanfiction Thread

The badass goat that tried to seize Ponyland in the original MLP cartoons. He was a pretty good villain until his rather anti-climactic defeat.

Ah.

So, anyone got feedback on my story?

edited 5th Jul '11 9:42:50 PM by theLibrarian

@Fancolors: I'm just going to requote everything, because it'll be faster.

Hopefully that helps. It probably seems really nitpicky, but when I give feedback on something I tend to go as in-depth as possible. You can take or leave my advice. Also take it with a grain of salt because I'm writing this at like one in the morning.

edited 5th Jul '11 9:43:55 PM by JapaneseTeeth

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Ah, many thanks, I'll try to work on it. And feel free to criticize it to death, the more brutal the better.

crud, you figured it out Hahaha no. She's suffering from a sudden case of death at the moment, but don't worry, some Tylenol oughtta clear that right up!

visit my blog!

my Celestia isn't a AI construct, but she is The Atoner Chess Master

edited 5th Jul '11 9:56:58 PM by NekoLLX

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.

Reading Fallout: Equestria and the more i hear of the Pegasus lock up the more i'm reminded of another Bethesda game...that right...I'm envisioning My Little Pony: [[Bioshock: Rapture]]

Well i've been talking bout my game and Qsteel finnally produced someting unique to it...Nightmare...Sun?

edited 5th Jul '11 10:33:43 PM by NekoLLX

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.

Give me a while to get home and give it a read, Librarian, and I'll ciritque it.

Birthright: an original web novel about Dragons, the Burdens of Leadership, and Mangoes.

Okay.

I read your fic. I dig it so far, Braeburn always seems to bring a smile to my face.

Desperado, eh? That the character's real name, or just what he calls himself? Seems like a pretty cool dude, otherwise.

Can't wait for more interaction between him and Braeburn.

So I read your fic Librarian. You're description of Appleoosa was pretty good, I noticed, I really got a good feel for the fact that it was in a desert, and just the description in general were well done. The thing is, while I always got a good picture, you're wording in a few places felt clumsy to me. Like,

it seems excessive to me to describe every leg, I'd stick to just the front two. Everyone will assume the back legs are normal, in that case. There are a few other examples, places where the words just don't flow, or where you could have made a new sentance instead of putting in a comma. I noticed most of them near to the beginning, though. Now, about Desperado. I think I've got a pretty good feel for his character, from what you wrote; fairly solitary, probably kinda hedonistic since he had no reason to stay or go beyond anything that was interesting, but...well, he's sort of a Jerkass. Like, a big one, and it's hard to really sympathize with him if he's going to be a main character in this. Especially along side Braeburn; his happy-go-lucky enthusiasm just doesn't blend with Desperado's dickishness. If anything, it makes Braeburn more sympathetic; I never really cared about him, but here I feel bad that he has to put up with that crap. I dunno, Desperado might even out in later chapters, but it just sort of bothered me.

Somewhat along that note: You've done a nice job of setting up yourself a plot here. It's not thrown out there, but a Genre Savvy viewer can figure out pretty well that something is going to go down at the festival, but even if they can't a couple of days is a nice period for character development, so noone is going to get bored waiting for the plot to come along. All in all the only real criticism that I have is to maybe give it a once over and work on your wording a bit. Everything else can be improved on or rationalized in the later parts.

Birthright: an original web novel about Dragons, the Burdens of Leadership, and Mangoes.

Okay, thanks for that. Yeah, I plan for Desperado to undergo some Character Development at some point, getting more attached to Braeburn as he spends more time in Appleloosa.

Yeah, I noticed a few other kind of bad sentences too, one in particular when Braeburn is yelling at him about the trains...there's one sentence there that seems kind of out-of-place. I'll try and fix as many as I can.

In my fic I have Gilda working for Trixie; In exchange, she wants Trixie to cast a memory erasure spell on Rainbow Dash, so she'd forget about her new friends and rejoin Gilda. I'm wondering, what would Dash do if she forgot all about the mane cast? Where would she go with Gilda by her side? I'm toying with the idea that Dash would find an underhanded way to join the wonderbolts (since her jerkishness once held at bay by her friends would be amplified by Gilda's bad influence) but I don't know

"Contests fought between two masters are decided instantly. An invisible battle is now raging between the two of them." Lulu vs Schneizel

@Neko Okay, I read some of the latest additions and here are my first impressions:

• There's a ton of word misuse (usually where you've typed one word when you meant another) and grammatical errors that are all really distracting
• The mid-battle mundane banter is cute (and I know a lot of other RP Gs do it too, but that doesn't stop them from bugging me too), but a little distracting.
• At what point in time are you basing this? Rarity and the others meet Celestia a lot during the season.
• Twilight's use of "my little ponies" sounds odd
• The Cupcakes reference was a bit of an eye roller, but I still smirked a little
• The Celestia and Luna scene was cute, but I'm a little confused by the shift in the way the story is being told. It's pretty wordy and I'm curious as to how you plan on making it work with the game.
• I'm curious as to why you're throwing so much extra equipment and stat boosts to a player doing well. Yes, the player should be rewarded for accomplishing something extra, but it seems like either you're setting up someone doing less than optimally to find the game getting more and more difficult or if you balance around the assumption that none of the stat boosts or extra equipment are assumed to not have been gained, making the game really easy for the player whom is doing well

FE: Genealogy Story Run 7PM PT Sun, Mon, Fri; Expert Unicorn Overlord 7PM PT Wed, Thurs: http://www.twitch.tv/kuroitsubasatenshi

There's a ton of word misuse (usually where you've typed one word when you meant another) and grammatical errors that are all really distracting

Alas that is my weakness

The mid-battle mundane banter is cute (and I know a lot of other RP Gs do it too, but that doesn't stop them from bugging me too), but a little distracting.

Well the first battle is sort of a scripted tutorial after all

At what point in time are you basing this? Rarity and the others meet Celestia a lot during the season.

well they start their journey at the end of season 1, it's a 3 month hike by hoof to the end of the world (more or less), i figured with the 6 month jump they have been away from pony ville for about a year.

Twilight's use of "my little ponies" sounds odd

I agree, but I couldnt find a better use for it, maybe i'll change it.

The Cupcakes reference was a bit of an eye roller, but I still smirked a little

Thanks, though I'm kind of surprised you missed the other Hasbro cameo. As for cupcakes wait till you see Pinkie Pies Devolved form. Cupcakes will be sort of a Steath Pun, expect anytime a party member 'leaves' for cupcakes to be involved...somehow...That said their is actually a in game explanation for the cupcakes which will be revealed at the tail end of Rainbow Dash's flashback.

The Celestia and Luna scene was cute, but I'm a little confused by the shift in the way the story is being told. It's pretty wordy and I'm curious as to how you plan on making it work with the game.

Manely they would be cut scenes, when I go into a narrative focus. When your actually planing the game there really isn't much to say just the parameters, you don't really need a long explanation of "this is a random encounter zone"

I'm curious as to why you're throwing so much extra equipment and stat boosts to a player doing well. Yes, the player should be rewarded for accomplishing something extra, but it seems like either you're setting up someone doing less than optimally to find the game getting more and more difficult or if you balance around the assumption that none of the stat boosts or extra equipment are assumed to not have been gained, making the game really easy for the player whom is doing well

Well the opening battle of 9 is sort of parallel to the opening battle in La D where Caren gets upgrades to her sword if she defeats the 7 bosses, the trick is that this battle happens only once in game so it's one chance to get item, i don't balance around them getting them and in fact expect the player to loose most of the fights as their bosses and they just started the game. They would make the game easier but that's the point, you have to be really skilled to earn them in the first place, if your skilled enough the earn them the game is going to be easy on it's own.

It's sort of a self imposed challenge, "can you earn the secret weapons?" and latter "can you beat the optional bosses" as a RPG vet the idea is to throw in things that once you beat the story and are on your second playthrough challanging yourself their is some hard chalange built in for you to aim for instead of making it up on your own.

edited 6th Jul '11 6:51:26 PM by NekoLLX

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.

Hm, would Braeburn going on a date with another pony be a good setup for what gets the main plot moving?

Oh hay guys I finally finished Chapter Three of If, Wherever We Go!

Finally, the ponies enter another world and discover... RPG elements! My god, its full of stats! Hahaha not really, but you get the idea. Anyway, I had a little bit more trouble with this than the first two chapters so really let me know if there's anything wrong. Thanks!

I've also been tinkering with some one-off fanfics in the meanwhile. One is a revised version of Day of the Batpony and the other is a story about Rarity buying a love potion that winds up causing havoc. Both have hit standstills, but if I ever complete a draft I'll post them.

visit my blog!

Not sure how that could set it up...unless his going on the date means the orchard is unguarded and gets robbed?

Also, HOLY NUTS! I'ts finally done! Well, sorta. I haven't come up with a title, and it's unedited so far, but I finally finished writing the Sequel to Feedback!

edited 7th Jul '11 3:16:29 AM by kegisak

Birthright: an original web novel about Dragons, the Burdens of Leadership, and Mangoes.

Luna makes a friend, Gilda forms a Team, Derpy curshes about muffins, and Rainbow Dash enters a strange new world!

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.

I've finially got my fic premise nailed down. Here's the synopsise:

Pinkie's overindulgence on sweets and treats finally gets the better of her, and her friends decide to help Pinkie shift her pudge. But with the party pony's love for all things sugar coated, this proves to be easier said than done.

I'm trying to make it feel like an actual episode, so it'll be light hearted and (hopefully) funny.

Now, I have a couple of questions;

- Would it be best to say that Pinkie herself dosn't care about her weight gain, but agrees to try to lose the extra weight anyway because her friends worry about her health?

- How much do you think Gummy weighs? It's for a joke.

- Each of the girls will have a different role to play in helping Pinkie out. Do these seen appropriate?

• Twilight will act as her dietian and personal weight loss planner
• AJ will provide all the healthy apples for Pinkie's diet
• Dash will be her fitness instructer
• Rarity gives her motivation to slim down by making her a beautiful dress in her pre-pudge size
• Fluttershy is still up in the air atm. Emotional support maybe? Any ideas?
• Carrot Top and Ditzy Doo will also play a small part in the story, but I'm not saying why for now.

Well, that's all for now. I'm hoping to have the first section up on deviantart by tomorrow.

In another forum, I'm a sentient off road vehicle.

@ kegisak: Well, normally the orchard isn't guarded by anypony, so that would be where he and Bluebonnet (the filly he has a crush on) end their date on the night of the Founding Festival. The problem is, after they say goodbye and Bluebonnet walks off, Braeburn will be walking home himself, then get beat up by the apple tree thieves, as they think he's a guard.

@Justanotherbrony - I like your idea so far.

I think Gummy would weigh maybe... 3 pounds? He can't be that heavy, especially considering how easily Pinkie Pie carts him around in "Party of One."

Keep in mind also that some dialogue implies Sweet Apple Acres may grow things besides apples, and there may be some fruit or vegetable (like maybe celery) that is healthier and more weight-loss-y.

As for Fluttershy's role... hmm, here's an idea: what if she's taking the same exercise course as Pinkie Pie, only for different reasons (like maybe she needs the extra fitness to catch a kiwi or something). Or maybe she's just always done it and we've never seen it because it's never figured into any episodes. The possibilities are endless!

visit my blog!

.

edited 7th Jul '11 10:29:03 AM by RichReeders

Don't you try anything, you baked good you.

I read chapter 3 of If, Wherever We Go! there, and I really like it! I'm a little too busy atm to properly critique it, but I'll deffinately reread it, and I'll read the first two chaps as well.

Also, thanks for the advice for my fic.

If Sweet Apple Acres grows vegetables, that would really help with the hilarity, because Green Isn't Your Color shows us that Pinkie loves apples (mmm, juicy!), so she could propably deal with an apple diet. But a single celery stick for dinner? Bon appeite!

I've also came up with what is hopefully a good reason for the beginning of Pinkie's problems. Her dad (Poppa Pie) hurt his leg, and so Pinkie went back home to live with her parents till he got better. Months of doing nothing but looking after Poppa, and living on Momma Pie's home cooking, made her bulk up quite a bit, which in turn made it difficult for her to maintain her usual level of (hyper)activity when she returned, which in turn made it harder for her to work off those sweets, which made her bulk up even more, and now we have Pudgey Pinkie getting stuck in her room door.

Quick question, the Pie's rock farm isn't that far away from Ponyville is it? I was sort of hoping to have Pinkie return by train.

edited 7th Jul '11 3:17:01 PM by Justanotherbrony

In another forum, I'm a sentient off road vehicle.

All we really have to go by is that Dash's sonic rainboom was visible there; although it was also visible in Manehatten, so I don't think there's any way to really tell the exact distance. Besides, if Pinkie Pie is that fat it would make sense for her to take the train rather than walk, even if it isn't that far.

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