Pony Fanfiction Thread

How's mine doing? I think I'm finally getting into the groove of things.

It looks pretty good to me. The Rarity/Spike ship always sorta felt weird to me, so assuming that's the direction this is going I'm not so sure what to think of it. But, the voices are all done well so far, and there's not a whole lot more to get from it. There were a few things that felt like foreshadowing, though, like Spike talking about when he'll be bigger and/or stronger.

Well, he's always sort of been in love with her. I don't plan to take it beyond the friendship state, though. He wants her as his girlfriend, but that's not gonna happen.

Frankly, I'm more proud of the speaking elements; I think I have the personalities done quite well.

edited 1st Jul '11 3:00:12 PM by RichReeders

STILL waiting for input on mine

Well, the thing is, it's a game script; those are a bit hard to get into.

Since I'm too burned out to work on mine, I'm reading Neko's.

Okay, comments as I notice them:

1) The opening letter has greatly improved since last time! You've learned the bigger lessons, now for the smaller ones—when and where to place words. Just as a case in point:

"Dash and I have arrived at World's End, while the others are busy in town." This could also be worded as "While the others are busy and town, Dash and I have arrived at World's End." This is largely a matter of taste but I think the latter parses better.

2) There should be a comma after "Ok Spike." Commas in dialogue indicate pauses in speech, so "Ok Spike you can send it now" parses as if Twilight said it unusually fast or with the wrong inflection. (There are times where its okay to create that impression on purpose, but I didn't think that was what you were going for)

3) Dash smiled cockily, "No other Pegasus has been me! Watch I'll go find out for you!"

The attitude is right, but this doesn't sound like how Dash would phrase it. Something more like "Yeah, but those Pegasi weren't Rainbow Dash! Just watch me!" would parse more like something that she would say.

4) Placement is key. Spike's reflection that not even dragons have broken the barrier should come before Rainbow Dash tries to fly over it, not after. The reason is because placing it after breaks the flow of the story and jars the reader: Dash has just done something dramatic so your instinct as a reader is to want to follow her, so following her with Spike going into family history is like a form of cock-block.

And by the way, you've probably heard this remark before but its weird having Spike bring up all this history when we know for a fact he was hatched by Twilight Sparkle. It can work, but I think it needs a little more buildup before you just suddenly drop "Spike has grandparents" on the reader (here's a suggestion, if its really important: Why not have him meet his grandparents for the first time in the course of the story? Think of the drama!)

5) Why is Rarity at the Academy and Applejack at the Smith? Also, its hard to believe the entire gang hung out in this town for six months. A week or two would be more credible, unless there's some reason it absolutely needs to be six months.

6) This may be a little bit of personal preference but calling them "the ponies" makes more sense than "the elements."

7) "Didja find Dashie? Did ja! Did ja! Did ja?"

Why does only the last "Did ja" have a question mark? They're all questions!

I'll comment on the rest later—possibly tomorrow. Your overall biggest weakness is dialogue. Like with the Rainbow Dash example earlier, you have a way of having the attitudes down, but still having them use words and choices of phrase that they probably wouldn't. That may sound like a nitpick, but trust me it'll matter to your readers.

I hope this helps!

I'm aware. Maintaining the Spike voice is the hardest part of writing this story.

edited 1st Jul '11 7:42:20 PM by MoeDantes

Right now, I'm trying to write fan... er, specs for MLP, and while I got a couple that that would make decent episodes. (After sniffing a weird plant, Twilight gains mind reading powers and learns something about trying to please everyone, and another one about the CCC having to work off a property destruction debt to an old pony who runs a coffee shop, but who always wanted to be a sailor and is not happy with the coffeeshop, and they help him resolve that and learn something about what they want to do against what is expected of them.)

That being said, I'm trying to write an epic two-parter involving an Evil Counterpart of Twilight, an Earth Pony stayed a shut in with no mentor, has a dream of talking to the Star Ponies, other unicorn pegasi rumored to be trapped within the stars, and is a bit bitter towards Celestia, seeing her as the one who banished them to the stars. The two meet and hit off well enough, but things fall apart when he takes the herd hostage, and forces Celestia to release the Star Ponies. Turns out the Star Ponies are real, but they're kinda bitter at the whole entrapment deal, and decide to take over and raze Equestria to the ground. So after a teleport spell goes awry, she finds herself shifted two months into the future where Equestria has in fact gone to pot, she needs to bring the gang back together, grand stand once and for all for pony kind, and learn something.

Here's what I'm wondering, mostly because I like to write as close to the show as possible, wanting to be a TV writer. Would an episode like this be true to the show? I know the pilot had a similar structure, but I don't know if that's pilot weirdness, or if they plan to return to that sort of mythic structure at some time. Second, it's a kids show, so how should I use the kid gloves when writing? And third, I'm not stepping on the pilot's toes, even if I have a couple of the same themes going, right?

I've updated quite a bit. Still not quite done yet: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14QatsPIno1AyVmXMhnrN0_oUzzGG7S_e2hPkOy9kq5U/edit?hl=en_US

yeah, I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, but if anyone does, feedback would be REALLY appreciated, this is my first fic after all. It's also not finished, but I ended on a good stopping point.

Also, I edit on word, but to show it online I copied it over to google docs.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gYP0J98iihC91aEQG5G-pGxVGAFrEDPifOXgg5H2g0g/edit?hl=en_US

thanks Moe I'll make some corrections now, as for the time table, i dunno just seemed like a good time.

I sort of see the continent of Equestria as about the size of australia, that's large enough to constitute a "world" when even trains have to be pulled by 4 horses. it's also why i figured they would still be there, By my estimate it would take about 6 months to get back home to ponyville, or at least 3 so they need to be really ready to go back since it's a long journey.

For spike we actually will cover that later, backstory wise as some point on the trip to trottingham they go to the Purple Dragon Village, spike gets some family history, and it will be expanded upon on the trip back as they visit again.

So basicly if they only stayed for 2 weeks and then headed back what happens to dash if she returns and there 2 weeks out. I also needed enough time for Dash to have her own adventure in the other side of the world, get corrupted, and come back i think 2 weeks might not be enough time for that.

Though i dunno if I could justify the trip to the other side of Equestria taking only a couple months a couple could stay in Troting ham and the rest rotate back. I dunno

EDIT: made changes bassed on comments and finished Act 2, which is mostly a combat arc so not much dialog, maybe somepony could suggest conversations for the fights?

edited 1st Jul '11 9:40:47 PM by NekoLLX

@moocow

I know how you feel. I've been trying to plot out my own arc of episodic Original Flavor stories, but it can be tough at times to stick to the feel and pacing of the show itself. Especially since one of them is a send-up of murder mysteries. :/

But enough about me. The first two episode ideas look pretty good; They're quite in the feel of the show, although the moral about pleasing everyone might be a little redundant considering Suited For Success. But I must say the CMC one is kind of brilliant.

The two-parter is a bit up in the air, though. For one, you'd need to be careful with the similarities to pilot, but I think they could be done well if you intentionally drew attention to the parallelism. Nothing like a good Lampshade Hanging, right? Heck, it could be brought up that four star ponies are the ones who released Nightmare Moon ("The stars shall aid in her escape" and all that). An evil counterpart to Twilight would be quite interesting too, especially if he's actually powerful, unlike Trixie. If you focus more on him for the first part than the star ponies, it would probably help avoid some similarities to the pilot.

Also, the Bad Future vibes could make the story a bit dark for the series proper. You could probably get away with it if you use some sort of euphemism for death/slavery/whatever, similarly to the pies in Over a Barrel. Also, what role does Twilight's counterpart play in all of this? It would be a little weird for him to just drop off the map like that.

In all though, I really like the way you think. Let me know if you post any of these. I'd love to read them.

You know what, I'm never going to get this thing done if I try to finish writing everything down all the way to the end before I let anyone else see it.

Forgive and Forget, parts 1-4

I'm still in the process of polishing the hell out of this piece. When it's final, I'll put it up on DA, then try submitting it to Equestria Daily.

I still wonder if I shouldn't add parts 5-6 before I submit it, though. Depends on whether part 4 seems like a good stopping point. Cliffhanger-y, and all.

edited 2nd Jul '11 2:31:28 AM by KylerThatch

expanded things, going into the events of Act 3 and finnaly getting the ponies out of Trottingham!

again, does anyone see any potential in mine? (yeah I know it's a script, but I am trying to make it a good one

@cyberbanjo: My precious ego thanks you. You're right about Suited though, thinking about making more about how one pony can't do everything. Wonder what it would be like if Rainbow got mind reading powers, or stick to Twilight?

CMC story was actually an idea if Cutie Marks ever change if the pony finds a new interest. Then it kinda snowballed about even if you do find something you like, sometimes you don't do it because you really don't want to risk it not being everything you wanted, and how that would mesh with your likes for life being stuck to your butt.

As for the Bad Future story, nothing major that your average episode of some other kids show wouldn't cover. Just an Earth Pony who his just as interested in magic as Twilight, but has no outlet for it being tormented by his peers, Star Ponies turning Ponyville into a ghost town and setting up shop in Canterlot, some ponies on the run looking for a new home, some actively spying on the stars, and some holed up in the Ever Free Forest. And the omnipresent threat of the moon crashing into Equestria and destroying them all. Nothing too cynical. Maybe biting off a little more than I can chew, but what the hell, this one's for fun.

Ok, lets start with what you got right. Looks like you're keeping technical direction to a minimum, which is good. You're writing, not directing, and if you try and do both, you're biting off more than you can chew. This is good. You got the thing formatted right, the margins seem kinda weird, but I'm going to assume that it's right on your end and Google flubbed up, cause it looks good in every other way. Don't allcap names in dialog though, it's against format and gets confusing.

On to content, it drags a bit. And by a bit, I mean, you're five minutes into next episode by now. Rule of thumb is about 1 minute of screen time to 1 page of script, and I'm going to assume it's your first write through of this script since your full length and only half way to somewhere. Don't worry, that's normal. But writing is rewriting, and if you want to get good, you're going to have to do it right. You gonna need to start cutting corners just about everywhere for time, like you're making a story engine, built for speed. Anything that isn't serving the story, cut it. Like where Twilight is explaining the library to the herd, cut to commercial after she kicks them out of her house, then cut back when their already there, and Twi is starting to explain everything. That's a whole lot of egregious footage cut, to move the story along faster and to get to the point already.

And what was the deal with Twilight and Rarity back there. Twilight is probably compulsive enough to insist to have Rarity there to be there, but not literally keep her against her will. I would expect her to maybe forcibly turn Rarity around to look her in the face after refusing, and maybe giving her a hard time before the other ponies step in and tell Twi to settle down.

And just one more thing, you're pretty good at showing not telling, but you might want to do another pass with this one for every time you wrote "implies that" instead of letting the action speak for itself, you probably don't need to explain that the ponies remember that time when Rarity had wings, or that the door closed by magic, because you can't put your script notes on the screen as subtitles. That's silly.

Especially don't fall into Luckily, My Powers Will Protect Me when talking about the magic. because it's good your thinking about it, but the audience doesn't need to unless they specifically Fridge it out for themselves, in which case you can Word of God it later or write it so it sidesteps or nulls the issue all together.

You got something decent here, and I don't want you to be discouraged, but you still have a lot of work to do for what you shown us, let alone the rest of the script. Don't worry though, try to keep your structure in mind, don't let it get unkempt, and remember that stories are kinda like memories. They are condensed pieces of life that favor moments that signify change, and stuff all the mundane stuff elsewhere, like subtext and subtle clues. Hope that makes sense and hope that helps you out. I spent all morning on it, and a dog walk.

Oh, and I don't personally like Funatik Accents in script dialogue, but I guess I'm okay with this for story purposes. If you ever get it table read though, you'll probably have to gift basket whoever is reading for Applejack. Just one of those things.

edited 2nd Jul '11 12:26:50 PM by moocow1452

Thank you for the detailed reply. It really helped me out. 3 things though:

• Should I finish writing the script as I've been doing THEN rewrite it to fit the 1page=1minute rule? Or should I do that right away?

• Can you name some of the more egregious examples of Luckily, My Powers Will Protect Me? so I know what to change.

• What do you mean i'm good at showing not telling? If anything I explain too much XD

Backwards first.

Yeah, you kinda are explaining a lot. But that at least shows you are thinking, and if you can better obscure that, and leave more events to happen for your internal reasoning, but don't spell it out on the page, you'll get a lot farther. Kinda like in math, how teachers ask you to show your work in math? Unlearn that for screenwriting, because it makes you look like a genius, and your story more genuine when all your plot stuff isn't showing up front.

The thing about explanation is that while you don't want it in your script notes, you really don't want it in your dialog. Specifically, bits where Twilight explains what kind of spell she's using to trap Rarity, or how she really wanted to go to the library, and really wanted to read the pony power book. If you can do less with words and more with pictures and feelings and experiences, it will do a lot more for you than all the exposition in the world. If you were actively trying for it, the bit where Twilight shows that she has a bit of a unicorn complex over everypony else is pitch perfect, in that she'd prefer to have Rarity on her team over anyone else, and the Library is for unicorns only. It's made clear that Twilight thinks of herself as better than her friends, and that Pinky and Rainbow disarm here when they make breaks in the case. No one, not even you say that she thinks she's better and more responsible than everyone else, but she still thinks it. (And if you're giving Twilight another power up in actual elemental control, just no. Sentai beat you to it. It sucks as a story device, and doesn't do a whole lot for her superiority when she already has Celestia's blessing and the Elements of Harmony under her belt.)

And by all means, finish your script. So long as it's done, it's allowed to suck. You can prune it all you want, you can even start over if you find yourself obsessing over little things you did wrong, but by all means finish it, and you can fix it later. Keep to your structure, keep to your plan, even if you have to stop working on that scene right now, keep moving forward on it, and good luck to ya.

I'd word a few things differently, too. Some of them just don't sound right.

edited 2nd Jul '11 1:03:40 PM by RichReeders

like?

I know there's probably too many to list, but if you can point out some of the more egregious ones i'd appreciate it

Lemme pull it up; you've probably edited it since last night.

@moocow. Oh actually the thing with elemental control. I'm trying to subvert the nature of power ups: They'll all be getting an element, unfortunately the book wasn't sent by Celestia and is in fact, part of a Xanatos Gambit; and while it does help them save the day against Trixie, it also taints them so their unable to use the elements of harmony and defeat Trixie's Man Behind the Man

I don't edit the googledocs version until i've done enough that I want to show. You can still use this one

*slow clap*

That's impressive. Tripped a radar that went all the way back to FF.net to power up the team for no real reason, but giving them a bogus powerup that cuts off access to the old arsenal? Never saw that coming. You have my respect and you better finish that thing. It's going somewhere.

Here's what I have so far:

It's more of the style of it as opposed to anything actually wrong.

edited 2nd Jul '11 1:38:24 PM by RichReeders

And maybe this is just me, but you could just say that the unicorns are picking up stuff, since levitate is a weird word to toss around all the time. You could say that they picked up something from across the room, and unless it's important to know that someone is using unicorn magic now, they're just grabbing for something or other. That scene where she closes the door on them and for sure uses magic is just kinda... awkward.

edited 2nd Jul '11 1:45:16 PM by moocow1452