Parenting

So, this is a thread about your general thoughts on parenting: what do you think is the best way to raise a child, your experience with children, the issue of child abuse and any similar topics.

I for one don't get the fad of being a "Super Mom/Dad" that's cropped up in the last 10-12 years. Why is being a spoiling, overprotective, thin-skinned nanny a good thing? I've seen far too many brats for kids to think that's a good parenting philosophy.

No ome thinks its a good philosophy- its the result of a sense of ever more intense competition between parents to raise children who csn compete for limited opportunities more effectively.

Children are evil and must be stopped before they take over the world.

Or is that just the ones of today?

I have two kids. One is four years old, the other is six months.

The four-year-old is fairly independent, and we encourage that, within reason. We're pretty lax on disipline, using spanking only as a last resort, after working our way up through taking away toys, sending her away to her room, time-outs in a chair, sending her to bed early, or no treats. Disipline for hte infant is simply saying "NO" when she wants to grab the feeding spoon when we try to feed her solids.

It takes both parents to do this, and they have to talk to one another about how to deal with stuff. If there's a difference in how the parents discipline, the child will figure that out quickly and exploit it for their benefit, so it is critical that the parents act in concert.

If one of my kids bangs themselves into an object and I can see that there's no serious harm, I actually cheer and tell them to go on playing. The four-year-old is now pretty durable as a result, having not been coddled protectively for every little scrape and owier she's gotten over the years. Still working on the six-month-old; but she's also pretty content. If you're not panicking, she won't panic, usually.

Be prepared to repeat yourself a lot. This may irritate you to no end. If seriously irritated at your kids, walk away; especially if they're just an infant. They can get over crying after a bit. They cannot get over Shaken Baby Syndrome, so do both of you a favor and take a five minute breather.

I have no experience with raising boys, but I'd imagine them to be different. Girls seems okay, for now. Give them some cheap costume jewelry so they don't find it necesarry to play with mommy's stuff. Even then, they might want to play with mommy's stuff anyway. They will get into all your things. You'll find loose change, delicate objects, magic markers, bits of cat food and just about anythign they can pick up and move all over the place, usually on the floor so you step on them in the middle of the night when you can't see them. This is normal, to a point.

Children are very curious, and they learn about their world by playing. They also have a very active imagination, so you don't have to blow serious loads of money on toys. Your old cell phone is just as good as the toy phone on sale at Wallmart (provided you make it so it can't power on), and a cardboard box can be just about anything. Play with your kids. Ask them what they're doing, who they're playing with (imaginary friends and all that stuff), if they'd like it if you'd play along, and stuff. I get a kick out of watching my kids play and learn. I can see the little gears in my six-month-old turning and burning as she grabs things and rattles them, and I can see my four-year-old having a make-believe conversation with three toys.

Small children have a short attention span, maybe a few minutes or so. It gets longer as they age. Keep that in mind when telling them to go do something; you'll usually find them doing anything but what you told them to do after a bit.

A small child of even two is capable of dressing themselves (sort of), digging through the fridge for food (kind of), and using the bathroom. Don't expect them to be too neat about it, though.

It is important (to me, anyway) that the child sees his/her parents being loving and affectionate to one another. This provides a sense of security for the child. If the parents are always bickering and arguing, the child senses this. I pity the single parent. Parenting is already hard work with two parents to even out the load; I can't imagine it being any easier with just one parent.

I'll just say what I said here.

I am not a parent, and am rather the recipient of parenting. Given the ability to raise a child of my own...? I wouldn't have a clue.

I am relatively well-adapted, at least compared to my rather bratty sister. I'm not going to offer some pithy one-liner about not molly-coddling my child, since I probably would. I would probably be a rather schizophrenic parent, meandering between "I love my children" and "what if I'm a terrible parent and destroying their futureeee". Ho hum.

I tried a behavioral experiment with my son tonight. We took 6 pieces of paper and wrote 6 bad choices he's been making lately. Then we burned them one by one. I remember this trick being used to help get rid of nightmares. Let's see if this helps with his attitude problems.

I presume that setting fires wasn't one of the 'bad choices'?

Haha nah, thank heavens! Though should that have been I would have opted to go buy a balloon, tie the strips of paper to the string and let it float away.

How young is too young to let kids make their own choices?

Revving to stop our derail in the other thread.

Starship,

It sounds to me like the people you've met who carry out "free range" parenting are just looking for cover to not parent. Free range parenting assuming the kid will pull knowledge out of thin air like free rang farming assumes the animals will magic up their own food. Someone's been having you on.

Edit: you beat me here. It depends on the choices, it also depends on the kid. But the younger you start the better, because once the kid is making their own choices they are also taking responsibility for their choices. Which is something many adults have an issue with.

Now we've moved thread do people want me to write up a pot about my old school? I think it's relevant since it is a very odd school and focuses much more on raising kids to be healthy functioning members of society then it does on making them pass exams.

edited 4th Apr '13 10:11:42 AM by Silasw

I'd say before they can function enough to simply go to School or generally make basic decisions on their own. Could be around 3-6 years old usually.

It does help to explain concepts to them, and fully teach them about good, bad, consequences, etc. Besides that, obviously, if you can't give a reason something is bad, then saying it's bad has zero effect on them and should not be said at that time.

Specifically, what Free-Range Parenting really is is "I give my child all the information and let them come to their own conclusions and answer them when they ask more questions. I never use 'because I say so' as a reason because it is devoid of logic and does not teach them diddly squat or make them a better person."

edited 4th Apr '13 10:11:14 AM by Irene

@Silasw: Yeah, way too many people only make decisions that are the easy one and not because they genuinely believe it to be better.

What if they don't understand it that early though? Children get really annoyed with lecturing and often don't listen. What is an alternative to lecturing.

edited 4th Apr '13 10:12:12 AM by Wildcard

Sometimes you have to keep talking, whether they want you to or not.

Lecturing is rather annoying, but absolutely necessary. They may not know it at that time, but they need to learn it. Likewise, that's why you sit down with them and talk it out with them instead of keeping it one-sided. Let them ask questions. Answer the best to your knowledge. Always give reasonings for things. Even if it's as simple as "They hurt people."

You can talk to a kid without lecturing them.

It also probably helps if you can put them in an environment like you want them to be, though that's pretty hard. To again list my old school as an example, everyone at the school (generally) takes responsibility for their own actions. They understand that they are given power and that with that power comes the fact that they are blame if they use it wrong. When you live in such an environment it's hard not to adapt to the idea that you are responsible for your actions, and once you accept that you are responsible for your actions you start to think more carefully about said actions. Obviously this can't be done on such a grand scale normally, but it can be done just inside your home.

So do people want a post on my school or not? I edit in my request so I think it got lost.

edited 4th Apr '13 10:24:49 AM by Silasw

Good point. It sounds rather hard to do, what if I'm about to fall asleep or it's late and I have work tomorrow?

We should continue the discussion, but it sure doesn't sound easy. Being a parent is hard I imagine.

Sure, as long as the mods don't have a problem with it I'd love to hear about it.

edited 4th Apr '13 10:25:24 AM by Wildcard

Even little things like admitting you screwed up "mummy made a mistake and got the wrong apples" can help, if you admit your mistakes then your kid will admit their mistakes. Meaning that they know their mistakes are their fault, which means they will try hard to not make mistakes. As they won't be able to blame their mistakes on you.

Edit: I'll keep it relevant as to how the community works and how the way it works raised me, as I think that's relevant. Let me get of my iPad and onto my laptop and I will start writing it up (I should also stop having to make loads of edits to deal with autocorrect).

edited 4th Apr '13 10:30:25 AM by Silasw

I gotta go to work too anyway.

And sometimes even if you bring them onto your lap and talk, they'll think it's lecturing regardless of how you do it. It's not always that easy.

@Silasw: How did you learn the subjects you didn't care for that were necessary? For instance, I had to learn math even though I hated taking math in school.

I'm gona work on a big post later (once I've eaten) but I can answer question. I didn't, then I needed it and thus wanted to and I learned. I remember the tale of a guy who didn't learn to read and write, then he needed to for a job and so he went and got taught. Now that was a rare case but the school gives you the kind of abilities that when you want to know something you will seek it. I never attended science classes, but when I want to know something about science I go and learn it. Either via asking people, looking it up online or if it's something I have to learn, like Bio at college (note, not university, they mean different in the UK) then I apply myself and learn it, because even though I was behind I did same as the others because I wanted to learn because I'd never had a hatred of learning bred into me by a system that forced 'knowledge' down my throat.

While there's a lot I agree with here, I don't accept this. This assumes a child will make the right choice with all the information in hand. They won't. Grown adults barely do.

Bottom line is, the correct age to let anyone make a choice for themselves is when they're at an age that they and they ALONE will shoulder the consequences. A child living under my house isn't there. As they go further along, now they have greater means to take care of themselves. Now, I let them make whatever choices they wish, good, bad, or neutral.

Why can't seven be the age when their choices have consequences other than "I will punish you"?

@Silasw: Hmm...but what do you do if your really behind and have a strict deadline. It sounds great but I'd worry about not learning enough. Though I agree that schools operate too much about how to pass a test and don't teach people enough to care about the material.

I think something like our college system would honestly work better for the majority. Something like "you have to learn this eventually, just choose what classes you want to take now and which you want to take later.

edited 4th Apr '13 10:59:53 AM by Wildcard

Depends on the thing. I'd totally let my kids stay up late rather than go to bed, so they can feel the misery of having to go to school and be half-asleep.

Shoplifting, no. The consequences are a bit severe, so I'm not leaving that up to them. Once their an adult, well they can shoplift if they so choose.

I'd support that first one too as long as you don't go around saying "I told you" like your their sibling winning an argument.

edited 4th Apr '13 11:04:46 AM by Wildcard