Your first paragraph is weak. I get what you were trying to do, but you don't do it with the first paragraph.
The second paragraph is a bit better at doing it though, and the third is solid.
From then on, it's readable, but I don't see anything much like a real hook, at least for me. Still reading though. Just hit the main plot, we will see how it holds.
edited 26th Mar '11 10:05:47 AM by MrAHR