Ahr river
#2: Mar 26th 2011 at 10:04:56 AM
Your first paragraph is weak. I get what you were trying to do, but you don't do it with the first paragraph.
The second paragraph is a bit better at doing it though, and the third is solid.
From then on, it's readable, but I don't see anything much like a real hook, at least for me. Still reading though. Just hit the main plot, we will see how it holds.
edited 26th Mar '11 10:05:47 AM by MrAHR
Read my stories!
Total posts: 2
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2902356/1/Trapped_in_the_Light
I just finished a short sci-fi story I'm pretty proud of. My beta-readers (aka friends) are taking a long-ass time getting around to reading it, so I thought I'd post it here to see if I could get feedback.
Of course, with the "LOOK AT ME" nature of this forum sometimes, that may be easier said than done.
RRRAAGHGHAFBAALAAAL!