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A Love Scene (Needs suggestion):

Here is an excerpt from a brief story I write — it is the beginning of what might turn into full-blown lovemaking. I wonder if I captured the beginning emotions well, or if some parts look a bit abrupt or narmy.


By the time Shion comes out, she smells of lilac and berries from the shampoo in her hair and she is in her underwear, carrying her clothes to the bedstand. She'd like to scratch that growing itch around her wound, but she tries ignoring the urge as she feels the cool, conditioned air brush her skin. The lamps and TV are off leaving just the calm blue light blooming through the window. She can see the swaddled, contoured mound that is Raki, but she does not hear him snore in the conditioner's light hum.

She considers him studies him, and feeling that pull he tugged in her earlier she strides to his bed and leans herself on a free space. Outside, seeing the orange lamppost and the animated billboard, she sits by him in the serene peace of the night.

She does not know how much time passes as she silently broods over her memories, the contrast of the excited, angry, confused girl she was when she entered the country in the exchange program, Hong Kong's petal flag ripping in the vibrant blue sky, her best friend Lo Wang now gone (always the horny bastard chico), her little brother Satou dearly departed, and then the lonely periods..

And her now. With this boy's life irrevocably intertwined with hers.

Then she reaches out a hand to gently brush his back, side to side.

"Raki.." Shion whispers.

She thinks he hears him sniffle, trying to stifle it behind hands. Piqued, she tries pulling the blanket away to reveal, but Raki doesn't let her.

"..is something the matter?" she utters, but she knows the answer already, which cannot be expressed so simply.

He doesn't say anything. His sniffles only grow intense.

"I— I'm.." she says, unsure of what to say further. She takes a long, slow breath before she continues, intently listening to his sobs. "I know why you cry." Her voice takes on a new quality, an unfamiliar, intimate tenderness. "It's.. that thing.. you find someone.. she's one-of-a-kind in your life. Maybe.. she's not pretty looking at first, like in those magazines.. but you grow on her.. you know. She has this thing about her, that wakens the best in you. You chase after it, once you've known it.. you never want to let it go. Ever. Because that person.. is the only one in the whole planet. You don't know.. what you're going to do.. if you lose.. her.."

Saying these words, for some reason, rouses a primal fear in her that had long been suppressed. For a first time, she is afraid for her own little life, a minuscule thing in the cosmic, apathetic order of the universe. A speck on one star in a blink.

How strange this ant starts to cower before almighty God.

"..I.." Raki finally says.

Shion pulls the cover away, this time meeting little resistance from him. He is a mess, broken-down, crying and crying. His eyes are watering out, glintering in the dark.

"..do.. ..love.." he strains out.

He blubbers, as awkward and raw as he is.

"..do .. love.. me..?" he goes.

Shion becomes quietly overwhelmed, and it hits her so many levels she cannot bear. She finds a tear letting loose, coming down her cheek and drips off from her chin, onto him. Her heart bursts.

"I.. love you, " she finds herself saying. "Raki.. I've.. always loved you."

She inches towards him, to his face. Feeling his choking breaths on her. Her hand reaches out and her fingers find his lips wet from saliva and tears, and she gleans these fingers as she moves in and touches her lips with his to sooth that pain with a tender touch.

Then she finds her hand being squeezed, his hand on hers, almost painfully tight, and she moans a little putting her tongue with his, brushing them together, locking, embracing, so hot with his life and she only wants to fall deeper into him.

She shifts herself to be more comfortable, leaning herself onto him and cradling his face in her hands as she keeps kissing him. Her eyes softly outlined with orange.

Raki's closed his eyes, just feeling her breath mix with his, the touch of her roughened lips sucking on his mouth he feels her pause sometimes, stopping if only to take in another breath to continue. It is blissful. How he wants to melt, every touch a soothing hug to his soul.

edited 14th Mar '11 7:05:51 PM by QQQQQ

 2 Sand Josieph, Mon, 14th Mar '11 6:52:38 PM from Grand Galloping Galaday
Bigonkers! is Magic
Can you give some context of how they interact outside of love? I've got two lesbian lovers but most of their interactions involve either things involving their band or SCIENCE!
♥♥II'GSJQGDvhhMKOmXunSrogZliLHGKVMhGVmNhBzGUPiXLYki'GRQhBITqQrrOIJKNWiXKO♥♥

This post was thumped by the Shillelagh of Whackingness

The Puzzler
She inches towards him, to his face. Feeling his choking breaths on her. Her hand reaches out and her fingers find his lips wet from saliva and tears, and she gleans these fingers as she moves in and touches her lips with his to soothe that pain with a tender touch.

^ Just a friendly spellcheck. wink

When I read this scene I feel like crying,  * because of the characters' loss and the — the — the tenderness of the scene. I really want to read what comes next, especially if it turns out the way I think it will. =*_*=
So now I know that my lack of success in college is due to ADD — or sleep apnea. I need to do a sleep study some time.
@Sandy: I imagine it is akin to a brother-sisterly relationship between the two. They are like two lost souls in the country who share something more than friendship. I think the fact helps that Raki doesn't know his family at all, or that Shion feels just alone in this land.

@Eldritch: I would have never imagined that what I wrote would make someone almost tear up. The idea came to me in a fever dream, and I just write what just comes to imagination. Somehow I have this emotional block that prevents me from feeling the emotions in my writing. I do not know if this is for good, or not. I'm almost done writing this story though.

The Puzzler
[up] Does your emotional block happen while you are reading your work, or while you are writing?
So now I know that my lack of success in college is due to ADD — or sleep apnea. I need to do a sleep study some time.
Both. It's for me like.. in sketching, I can only see just the first stages of a scribble. The rough outlines. Bare-bones. Even though the scribble is most likely polished, vividly coloured in and inked. I'm never sure what others are going to feel reading what I write.

The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
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Total posts: 7
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