turning and turning
Grammatically, there's a bit of comma splicing (damn, I hate comma splicing) and I'm pretty sure the words 'blood' and 'bloodshed' shouldn't be pluralised.
I think at the start you want 'with a hollow stare'. Some of the sentences ('stood there for a whole minute'; 'not even bothering to cover up anything') are phrased a little weirdly. You change from past to present tense a couple of times. I'm not sure why you've used 'occupated' instead of 'occupied' in that bit about halfway through. I think you've split it into too many paragraphs - they're only one or two lines each, and it looks a bit strange. You describe very clinically, and I don't think you're building as much suspense as you want to. Use more description, longer sentences. Also, I think you're overusing the rhetorical questions - 'Would it be okay? Would it be manageable? Would it lead to insanity?'. It's fairly cliched and sounds too much like you're trying to be overdramatic.
I hope any of that is helpful.
edited 27th Feb '11 3:32:39 AM by cityofmist
Scepticism and doubt lead to study and investigation, and investigation is the beginning of wisdom. - Clarence Darrow
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
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Ah, I see. That's a shame, really, because I didn't even realize that what you mentioned were cliche. Then again, I did write it without much concious effort. :P
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
I got really bored one day and just wanted to write something, so here's the incomplete version of Chapter 1.
“This is a really good school. You knew that, right Yuuichi?” Kazuma said cheerfully while biting off of a cream bread.
“Indeed it is, Kazuma-san.” Yuuichi replied in unsettlingly polite keigo, not taking his eyes off of the book he’s reading.
“I think it was smart of me to study hard enough to get accepted here. I gotta thank you for that.” Kazuma patted Yuuichi on the back.
“I haven’t done anything.” No visible response.
One of the corners of the rooftop of Kawaguchi Academy was occupied by two teens, leaning on the railing, watching white cottony clouds float on the big blue spring sky. While they didn’t notice, Kazuma Takeshi and Yamada Yuuichi, were something of an odd pair for observers. While at the distance, they would look similar to each other except that Takeshi was several centimeters taller, in closer look, they were noticeably different in appearance.
No matter how one looked at, the most appropriate word to describe Takeshi would be unkempt; his condition of his hair more or less implied that it was never acquainted with such things as a comb or a shampoo, while Yuuichi has his hair tidy, few centimeters below his ear.
Takeshi had his school uniform jacket and few of the buttons on his shirt opened, while Yuuichi had his jacket closed all the way up to his neck.
Takeshi had a noticeably tanned skin and a perpetual smile on his face while Yuuichi had an unusually pale skin, as if he walked straight out of the Fleet Street, and his face was frozen as if the entire nerves on his face were paralyzed.
They didn’t really look like the type to be hang out with each other.
“Anyway, are you going to spend the entire three years, with your face buried in books? You can’t do that, you know.”
“I’m afraid that reading is an activity that I find more comfortable to engage in, Kazuma-san.”
“So you are gonna join the literary club?”
“Perhaps. I’m considering the track team as well.”
If you are done reading, can you tell me what I can do to improve? I think I'm awful at describing character's appearance, although that's far from being the only thing...
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Something of a writing practice, really.
The Flow
Prologue
Ivory moon, dark blue sky, gray city, grayer back alley filled with bright red blood warming it, the city certainly wasn't the brightest place on the earth.
At the center of the blood filled alley stood a figure wearing a yellow raincoat smeared with blood, and a knife in one hand. The figure looked at the dismembered limbs and the decapitated body, which vaguely resembled a human adult, in a hollow stare.
The figure stood there for a whole minute, with the grip on the knife slowly weakening. This is it, it's beginning again, a thought passed. After eight years of refrainment, the bloods on the hands will resurface.
There was a disappointment as well. There will be bloodshed, yet none of a real human with complete rationality and emotion. Yet, the resemblance was close enough to the real thing.
For all the self discipline, the same motivation, to satisfy the instinct, was there. The difference is that now there are different targets. Would it be okay? Would it be manageable? Would it lead to insanity? Several thoughts occupated the figure's mind.
Do I care?
The light returned to the figure's eyes along with a gentle smile.
No.
If there was something to kill and without any legal consequence to worry about then it was all fine.
Sounds of the police cars started to become clearer. Although there was no way of being sure it was coming for the bloodshed there, the figure dissappeared swiftly, not even bothering to cover up anything.
Once again there will be bloodsheds in the city. However this time, there will be more than one player.
And cut. What do you think? What can I do to improve? I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.