Social Bullying

You dont always have a choice in the matter, you know. You think I liked being treated like shit in school due to issues with Aspergers? I tried my best just to stay the hell out of the way, because you CANT fit in when you're unable to relate to people around you, but it didnt help, because I got tracked down and bullied ANYWAY. But no, I was told to "deal with it" too, so a hearty FUCK YOU to everyone who says that its the bullied guys fault.

Ive improved my social behavior since then, but its never enough, I will never fit in. But if there's one thing I refuse to give up, its the hate I feel for the people who made my life a living hell. I wont forgive, and I wont forget.

Actually that's a good analogy. It's easy to get stuck in issues like that if you do things entirely by yourself. If you are driving along you should be able to find a gas station eventually and get a map or directions. Or you might be able to call a friend who can look up where you want to go and how to get there.

Going through life by yourself is a fast way to get lost. Occasionally you need other people to provide a point for orientation.

Honestly I think you're being really silly about this Silent Stranger. Those bullies aren't making your life hell anymore. You are. Your attachment to hating them and living in the past keeps you from enjoying the present. As does your "I'll never fit in" attitude. Social skills are a skill. You might have more trouble learning them, but it's not impossible unless you are blind deaf and dumb.

edited 10th Feb '11 11:31:05 AM by Alkthash

Most of the people I work with were possibly bullies in school, cops contain a majority of extremely abrasive type A personalities.

Know how I deal with them? I either eyeroll their aggressiveness and make them feel small, or just pick my battles. Any of the older cops who'd been around the block and thought about picking on me? I'd just humor them, ignore them, or fling bullshit right back at them.

But never once did I think "Man, one of these days as soon as I arm up and go to work, I'm going to shoot that fucker in the face..."

^

This. The bullies aren't around to hold you back anymore, your memories of them are. Folks need to learn to just let go of the bitterness and move on.

edited 10th Feb '11 11:35:24 AM by Barkey

^ Then I hope they get shot on the job, because fuck those kind of people.

^And there's that ridiculous hostility we've been talking about.

I hate them, but it doesn't mean I want to see them dead. Some of them are pretty good cops, they are just sort of assholish when it comes to their interactions with people.

You need to quit focusing on them, and start thinking about your tear-inducing rage regarding those people. I think people like you are at a way higher risk of hurting someone unlawfully than they are, and that's a real problem.

Why is it ridiculous? I dont have a gun, and even if I did, I wouldnt go around shooting random people with it to get back at completely unrelated issues that happened 10 years ago. But that doesnt mean I can at the very least feel a sense of bitter joy when I see exactly the kind of people who made my life hell die a nasty death in a shootout.

^Are they making your life hell right now? If not, get over it.

^^

Yeah, really, at one point I was discussing how a kid I utterly hate does the same job I do, and is two stripes lower than me at a freezing and shitty base in the northern tier. Karma was served, we talk on facebook, we're even. I'm not going to go wreak havoc on his career as someone of higher rank even though I could, just because he was a douche to me in high school. I wish him the best of luck in his career now that he got some payback.

It just seems so childish and sociopathic to be like "I hope they get shot! Or hurt! Or something bad happens to them!"

edited 10th Feb '11 11:51:11 AM by Barkey

And its great that you two obviously had no problem getting past the shit you had to go through, but I have, alright? Every fucking day when I wake up, its same shit over and over again, the same endless corridor of misery and failed dreams, until you start asking yourself why the hell you cant just die in your sleep and be rid of this miserable wretched existance. And I still hear them, fucking laughing at me, I dont even look people in the eye anymore because all I see is the same condescencion and spite, looking at me like a lumbering freakshow. It was the same in school, its the same way now.

And I hope they all fucking die.

This. The bullies aren't around to hold you back anymore, your memories of them are. Folks need to learn to just let go of the bitterness and move on.

There is half-truth to this. Keeping bitterness is very unlikely to get you anywhere after the fact.

That said, saying "they're not holding you back anymore" is like saying an arsonist who burned down your house isn't holding you back anymore after the fact. I mean sure, he's not actively continuing to heap things on you by then, but the fact that you no longer have a fucking house is going to cause some pretty nontrivial problems for the foreseeable future — even long afterward when you have another house you're likely to still be playing financial catch-up for a huge chunk of your life.

edited 10th Feb '11 11:56:32 AM by Pykrete

Well if you aren't even interacting with people anymore it is pretty obvious that the only person making your life suck is you.

Nobody is saying it will be easy(sometimes it will be difficult as all hell), but your life will be a lot better if you actually try to improve it, instead of whining about it. It doesn't have to be big things all at once, just an effort to make things better.

Ok, I don't really like kino's attitude at all, but this is taking things too far/kind of troubling.

edited 10th Feb '11 11:57:21 AM by Jordan

Then you could obviously use some counseling, which is nothing to be ashamed of, or some serious introspection and effort to regain your confidence in small steps, which is what I did.

When I graduated high school, I was like you, only less angry. And eventually it was little things, like saying "Today, I'm going to look every person in the eyes that I talk to." Which then became "I'm going to focus on my facial expressions, when I look people in the eyes, I'm going to smile at them and show that I really am listening to what they have to say."

Which eventually became things like "Oh, hey, a complete stranger sitting here in the smoking area with me, I'll chat him up since we have nothing else to do." "Oh, a pretty girl at the counter, while I look her in the eyes while I talk to her and smile a lot, I think I might experiment a bit with flirting with her, or at least getting her to laugh.."

And eventually, that culminated in walking up to women I thought looked nice, talking to them, maybe flirting with them a bit and laughing, and then either going on about my business or sometimes even getting a phone number. Then one day I just woke up and went "FUCK YEAH! I'M NOT SOCIALLY AWKWARD ANYMORE!"

Baby steps Stranger, make small goals for yourself, and be proud to accomplish them. Don't just take a huge bite and try to swallow it all down at once, little nibbles are the key. I'm telling you this because I pretty much went from step 1, all the way to finishing.

Then I went to police academy and learned how to use my cop voice, I think that was the final step. "Get back!" used to sound like a request from me during hand to hand practice, I'm not too proud when I think back to what I used to sound like. Now it sounds like "Get the fuck away from me and get on the ground, and pray to god that I don't snap your fucking neck in a fit of pique."

edited 10th Feb '11 12:00:20 PM by Barkey

SS, really. Bitterness on past grievences does not help you, it hurts you. I've been there. Every time you seethe with anger over somethign that may have ahppened years or even decades ago, the bully lives again, huring you as you relive the moment in vivid amazing Technicolor.

Let it go, it's in the past now. Erase the tape, and move on. You're only depriving yourself of a better life now by being stuck on past events.

I harbored a grudge against some middle school bullies for over ten years. Finally, I realized that it wasn't doing me a single shred of good and I let it go. I can't even remember their names anymore, that's how little they matter to me now.

^ And what you said. Got a clip of you using the command voice?

edited 10th Feb '11 12:04:35 PM by pvtnum11

Okay, just for the record, its not like I just gave up on any attempts at fitting into regular society after high school, but no matter how hard Ive worked, I'm still treated like a freak. Im 24 years old, and I'm still mired in the same hell I was when I was 16. Any attempt Ive done at accomplishing my goals in life have met with failure, I cant remember the last time I felt genuinely happy, in a way that wasnt just shaudenfraude over someone elses misery, and I've noticed that I've started to loathe the people I used to admire. And I'm pretty certain thats not the experience most people have at this point.

Oh, and I've started to develop some misogynist streak that I have to work really hard at supressing, because I do not like the way it makes me view myself.

Well are you asking others for help? You can't fix all your problems(especially ones this big) all by yourself.

What you need is someone who's been there to help you identify your problems and fix the ones that need fixing, and to improve in areas you do poorly in.

Well, even if I wanted to, which I dont because I hate talking about my problems with people in real life, how do you bring this stuff up? "Yeah, today I fantasized about punching the cashier in the throat because she looked at me funny". I'd rather not get saddled with medication on top of everything.

Use Socratic Method on yourself to figure out why you wanted to punch the cashier in the face. Then think about if you're ok with that.

That's what I do when I'm confronted with strange feelings, I get all clinical and think to myself "Why do I do that? Oh? Well why do I think that? Hmm.. Is that ok?"

I mean shit, I'm still a little violent. There's times I see someone harassing a cashier and giving them a hard time over nothing, and all I want to do is choke the fucker out since he's holding up in the line.

And if I could do it with no consequences, I would.

edited 10th Feb '11 12:14:44 PM by Barkey

Well, I want to hurt people for moving too slowly, I want to hurt the cashier for giving me a weird look, which probably isnt a weird look, but thats how I interpreted it, I want to hurt the people in line behind me because I keep feeling like theyre laughing at me behind my back, the list goes on.

^^ Remind me to never piss you off, man.

edited 10th Feb '11 12:27:11 PM by pvtnum11

Mr Stranger, try immersing yourself in a different, livelier reality. Try exploring the fun things in life, and reflect how you, this person, can be better than these bastardos who had shown you the utmost cruelty. Because Life is too short to be pissed off all the time. And the hate you continue feeding will keep you depressed like an anchor, unless you break free of that jail.

The way you think, that because you've encountered a bunch of bastardos who'd shown their worst sides to you — that all people have this evil side..

It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Like a man who repeatedly seems cold or unfriendly; and we become a bit reserved ourselves, or try to avoid him. We start to behave as he expects us to behave.

Or a Feminist — who expects men to act unfairly or brutally. You try to remain calm in her presence, but her attitude annoys you more and more. And eventually, her hostility keys off your hostility. A prophecy has fulfilled itself. You've "proven" to her that her view of men as dangerous creatures has just confirmed itself once more.

Or you, as an Afro-American — confront a cop who "knows" that all Afro-Americans "are" violent and dangerous. He uses excessive force. You get angry and fight back. You've just confirmed your suspicion about cops — and he has confirmed his suspicion about Afro-Americans.

I want you to know, Silent Stranger, it does not have to be like this way. There are the good things in life too. And if you still want to say the last sentence is a lie.. hmmph, then feel free to give me a slap

(If you want, I'm all free for P Ms.)

edited 10th Feb '11 12:33:13 PM by QQQQQ

I would like to point out I have similar issues to Mr. Stranger, but in no way endorse vengeance.

I don't want the people bothering me to go die, I just want them to go do something else. Preferably something more productive.

Like become nicer people, for instance.