Troper Critique Club

Oh, I'm sorry. The fandoms are Sonic The Hedgehog and The Legend Of Zelda.

edited 1st Dec '10 6:52:38 PM by Komodin

No. Literally. Don't know the fandoms. As in, don't know ABOUT them. Never played either game. ^_^;

Oh, right. My bad...

I don't know enough about Sonic.

Interesting premise though.

I've played some games from both. I think your biggest problem is detail. You've got too much detail. Way too much. "And then sonic saw a leaf, it was a nice leaf, a red leaf, with little veins on it like other leaves. He kept walking and eventually there were more leaves, a whole pile of..." This was obviously not from your story, but that's how your story makes me feel. Here's one from the actual story—

Resting in the palm of his hands were a couple of jumbo franks, each wrapped in a crisp bun and slathered with a thick layer of chili. Little puffs of steam rose from the warm franks, lightly touching his muzzle. As the spicy aroma emitted by the twin chili dogs lingered in his nose, his mouth started to water. All he could think about was the chili dogs, biting down upon the chili dogs, savoring their every bit of flavor he could taste.

"Ah…" he uttered, letting out a sigh. "Bon appétit…"

Setting one of the chili dogs in the bowl next to the gelatin, he put his mouth to the other chili dog. Just as he started to bite down on it, he suddenly heard a sharp, cracking sound off in the distance behind him.

And it's actually kind of hard to explain why this is so bad, but it has something to do with the number of times you use the words "chili," "dogs," and "franks." The solution is not to find more synonyms for chili-dog, it is to stop talking about chili-dogs so much.

The conventions and structure and stuff are quite good, and the imagery, you just have to remember what is actually worth talking about.

It also lacks characterization, which is always my favorite part of fanfiction, and which people often skip writing because we 'already know the characters'. You've got a name and a face and a framework, but especially with video game characters, there is so much more you could be exploring.

Ah, so, the problem is most likely that it's a tad too bloated? I must've been following that "show-don't-tell" rule a bit too blindly in regards for unimportant details.

What no that passage was great. Needless detail is awesome. The issue, as Dae started to touch on, is the redundancy. When going all out on details, you just gotta remember not to reuse the same words, otherwise you're bloating by saying the same thing over and over again rather than revealing new and interesting facets.

The sound of prison doors clanging shut rang in his head for the very last time. "Mad" Max Hardcastle was a free man.

Standing 6'4", muscled up like it was going out of style and covered in tattoos, you'd be justified in assuming Mad Max was a violent offender - because he was. A 7 year stretch for Man 2. Now, Mad Max likes to exaggerate and make himself sound like the baddest motherfucker around, but in this case he wouldn't sugarcoat it: prison was Hell. Because unlike what you might be lead to believe, prison is a very social place, and if you aren't the friendly sort you're shit out of luck. Mad Max was fortunate enough to be, well, scary looking, or else he'd have died a hundred times in there.

There are a lot of things that they don't do for you when you get out of prison. For most people, the sticking point is that the offense is going to be listed on every job application they file for the rest of their lives, but Mad Max's concern was more practical considering that he wasn't sorry about what he did and he's do it again regardless. What they don't do is arrange any kind of transportation - and being as Max wasn't exactly the friendly type, this meant he had to walk 35 miles just to get into town.

He may not exactly be Mr. Personality, but he met some guys on the inside who were alright bt him. Gerald "Headcase" Casey was some kind of computer guy, in for every digital crime on the books. Real smartass. Max figures he must've been somebody's bitch on account of being so small, but he couldn't imagine even the craziest asshole laying a hand on that ugly mug. Lyle "Ice" Berg was a simple robber - sleek, slick, and undetectable. His nickname comes from being cool under pressure. Viktor "Black Mark" Marcos was a con man who ran a grift on everyone else in the joint by pretending to be some kind of assassin. It's like those little frogs on the Discovery Channel who puff up to look dangerous so they won't get eaten.

Those guys weren't too bad. But to be honest, they could all die right this second and he wouldn't care. Mad Max might be miserable, but at least he's a miserable free man.

Westwood Correctional was nearly out of sight when he heard a faint popping noise, almost like an explosion. A car screeched up next to him.

"Howdy, stranger. Need a lift?" Black Mark said after lowering the windows.

Okay, wow, that was terrible. That was off the top of my head, but goddamn.

All aboard the exposition train~

Also, show, don't narrate.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:03:44 PM by MrAHR

Oh cool, another one of these threads. I hope this one sticks around for a while.

I lurk here in spurts, sometimes I'll be on for a few hours each day and sometimes I won't be on for a week. But I do like to offer critiques sometimes, and based on other people's reactions I'd even say I'm pretty good at it...if it weren't for the fact that I can't seem to analyze my own work, my critiques included. But that, of course, is why I'm here!

Now I just have to figure out a way/place to post a portion of my novel, as well as select a piece to post...anyone have any suggestions for either of these?

I'm thinking maybe posting the part I'm least happy with, because it's in need of the most fixing, or just out of masochism.

fictionpress, livejournal, blog, or just a giant quote block.

People always say "show, don't tell", but I don't understand that. Literature isn't a medium that allows for "showing", it's up to the reader to visualize the events.

That said, give a guy a break, that was literally written in five minutes with no forethought.

"Tedd was a real bastard. I didn't trust him one bit."

"Tedd smiled crookedly, and gave a condescending smirk, before casually twirling his loaded gun around with his hand. A distinct uneasiness arose within me. I did not like this one bit."

The first sentence will turn your character into an unintentional Holden Caufield.

And no. I will not give you a break. If you are willing to post it, you are willing to have it critiqued.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:20:48 PM by MrAHR

So here's my idea ... and it's pretty lousy, but anyway.

Carlos Brenson is 28 years old, he's lived in Japan since he was 13 and he's been the enigmatic Aristocrat since he was 14. And since neither the vicious Nightspike Empire nor any of the other D-Lolita's have bothered him in years he thinks now would be a great time to settle down and do something he's always wanted to do: Teach.

But just when Carlos settles down and begins to think he can live a normal life he gets an email from his former girlfriend Yuki Ikoma saying that one of their members is dead, another is getting depressed, one's been missing for months and she's been getting weird phone calls ... and just when he's read this email another member of the D-Lolita's shows up outside his house with her daughter Sakura

Adding to all this chaos are three girls in Carlos's class who are developing powers similar to the ones he and his team had and testing them on paedophiles, a sinister organization that have a D-Lolita of their very own, drugged and tied up on a leash, a teacher who knows a little bit too much about him and the remains of the Nightspike Empire

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:31:45 PM by dragonmaster

As opposed to twirling it around with his foot, of course.

Also, no offense, but where is all this hostility coming from?

Dragon: Format paragraph into fact-important chunks. You already did that, it seems. Remove tropes, and trope names. Start there.

Because writing it five minutes before hand is not an excuse, nor should you use it as an excuse for an easy pass. If you think it's crappy, admit it is, and agree, don't justify.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:23:44 PM by MrAHR

Who are you, my Creative Writing professor? Why are you taking this so personally?

Also, note that I already said it was horrible.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:24:12 PM by KingTyrantLizard

I'm not. I am merely answering why you will not be given a break, nor should you ask for one.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:25:26 PM by MrAHR

Whatever. Sorry for getting upset, just didn't expect anger directed at me as a person.

What no that passage was great. Needless detail is awesome. The issue, as Dae started to touch on, is the redundancy. When going all out on details, you just gotta remember not to reuse the same words, otherwise you're bloating by saying the same thing over and over again rather than revealing new and interesting facets.

Ah, so I should lessen the redundant redundancy. I think I got it now. I'll revise the chapters tonight.

People always say "show, don't tell", but I don't understand that. Literature isn't a medium that allows for "showing", it's up to the reader to visualize the events.

The way I understand it, it's basically saying that one should actually describe the character's actions whenever it's important to the plot, rather than just state it.

For any show don't tell problems in literature, The Catcher In The Rye is an intentional use of this trope. Read it.

time is a silly excuse. if you're going to pull that out to defend against a critiquer, don't put your work up for review in the first place. go big or go home, yo.

That said, I really liked the style of the narration. That's the kind of telling that works as an expositional early paragraph. Just don't fall back on it.

The tense switches kind of throw off the flow here and there.

ps. oh hey the argument moved when I wasn't looking? oh well. I really find it funny when someone gets super defensive in a critique.

That's something that I keep forgetting, I need to read a bunch of novels before I'm even sort of ready to write one.

Ch00beh: I've always had trouble with keeping tense consistent, sorry about that. I'm always ashamed of what I write so I don't usually read it back to check for errors.

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:31:41 PM by KingTyrantLizard

Okie, I've taken all the trope names and titles out. What do you think?

@Ch00b: Tis why I usually phrase any comments I have on criticism as "not justifying, just explaining why it turned out that way." So I may have my cake and eat it too.

@Dragon: It's very...obviously japanese. The problem with too much japanese influence in stories like this, is that it can come off as very fad-y and illogical. And this is coming from a self-proclaimed weeaboo.

The story itself is solid, but it isn't new either. If you had to say what sets it apart from everything else, what would it be?

edited 2nd Dec '10 3:33:23 PM by MrAHR