Troper Critique Club

...So, since we have members and stuff, anyone want to post something that needs a critique?

hmm I would post something, but it's hard to critique a novel excerpt. I gave one to my Real Life writing workshop and the response was "It's good." and move on.

On another note though, I've been finding it extremely difficult to write lately, so I've been reduced to writing four page summaries of each chapter. It's a planning outline where i set out what the scene will include, and I'll later expand on it. So each sentence in the outline becomes like four in the first draft.

Does anyone else do that?

I do, sort of...in reverse for the final step. I write an outline, then a chapter with everything I could possibly want to include, then I go back and pare down all the superfluous clutter.

@drunk - That's what I did with the My Immortal fanfic, sort of - I broke down the outline chapter by chapter, and then rewrote it with my spin on the events. The result is Metafiction.

@Paladin: Yeah, and I liked it. Meta-fiction is tough to pull off and can get complicated to keep track of, but you seem to have a good handle on it. I'll be waiting to see what you do in a unique world of your own making; if you read into my post history you'll see I'm somewhat bigoted with regards to fanfic.

I recognize it's a shortcoming, and am trying to get over it.

Here's the first issue of my webcomic. I'm still going through teething, so please excuse the shoddiness.

Modern Venom #001◊

edited 27th Nov '10 1:36:10 PM by KingZeal

Hope it's not too late to sign up, because I'm just going to, like, do that.

Oh, I can start immediately? Fantastic.

...Uh, okay, woah. I, uh, don't know where to start. I've certainly seen much worse, but the simple fact of the matter is that your art needs work.

I'm hoping to improve. This was a lot of "firsts" for me (first time using a pen tablet, first time doing sequential art, first time making a comic out of it. I learned a lot from my mistakes this go-round, and I'm eager for advice as well.

You are clearly leaning on text walls and photographs to support your art. The lack of background worries me, as does the shaky lineart and lack of nose on the portrait.

I suggest you try a Gag Per Day strip comic so you can settle into your style and experiment every now and then, instead of an epic high fantasy as this appears to be. That's difficult enough for pure prose works, let alone webcomics.

Also, find a different font.

Edit: Also also I wrote something while drunk, can someone take a look at it?

edited 27th Nov '10 9:54:59 PM by Slan

@Zeal: WAY too jumbled. You need to have lines so I can tell where one panel begins, and the other ends. Is this jap or eng style?

[[hottip:testing: el dot

el dot]]

edited 28th Nov '10 8:01:00 AM by MrAHR

I honestly couldn't tell you.

Noted on the panels, though.

It's english style, on the rereading.

English left to right. Japanese right to left.

@Slan: If that's your work while drunk, I need to see what you do sober.

It was easy to read, descriptive, and paced nicely. Otherwise, it's too short for me to make greater commentary.

OKEY. SO. I haz graphic novel script I need critiquing. BUT, I don't really have a place I can upload it. Any suggestions?

If it's just a script, why not load it to fictionpress or your own blogspace?

don't have a blogspace, and I am unsure if scripts are allowed on fiction press. Are they? If they are, I will do it that way. Although I am unsure how to break it up. I don't really have chapters.

edited 28th Nov '10 9:09:33 AM by MrAHR

You can upload scripts to Fictionpress. Label them as 'plays', and you'll be fine.

Yayz. On page 13 out of my written 25 or so. Not to sure how I should go about this, but I can learn.

Double Post lol

AHR: You devolve into Talking Heads at several points, not even describing the character's expressions. Also, remove the "should"s in the panel descriptions, as they distract readers (well, me at least) from actually envisioning the panel themselves. If you just say "the panel is large" the reader will envision a panel that is large to them—and while it may differ from your idea of large, you have the final say in how the panel looks so it doesn't particularly matter.

Well, from what I could tell, I am really only doing half the story. Essentially, I am writing instructions for the artist, who is supposed to draw their interpretation. Kind of like them being the actor, and me being the script writer. I'm not justifying the mistakes I do, I'm just explaining how they came about.

Oh, that makes sense. I'd take out the "shoulds" anyway in favor of simply telling the future artist that there is a certain amount of flexibility to the script.

Yeah, the shoulds are something I have no excuse for. You should read my essays. They are infused with so many 'as'es it's not even funny. It's a crutch go to word I should really break the habit of using.

...shite.

edited 28th Nov '10 12:21:29 PM by MrAHR

I'm back, with a second page for my webcomic. Hope you like the improvesments taken from your advice:

Modern Venom #002◊

MUCH better, but you're approaching that genericness plateau where all you really can do is draw better.

I think that the cutaway scenes were done not well though. I didn't realize they were all in the hospital at first, but that was probably me having poor reading comp skills, but a nice improvement all around.

edited 29th Nov '10 3:00:03 AM by MrAHR