Allez-Vous
David summons Moira to his room as he opens a package. He tells Moira someone sent it to them. Moira rushes in and asks who it is for. David says he doesn’t know and hands her the card. She delightedly realizes it’s addressed to her. The “Thinking of You” card is from an old Soap Opera colleague of Moira’s, Justine St. Pierre, who was an angry drunk but they were always close. She’s happy one of her dear friends is reaching out until she realizes it’s a start-up kit for Justine’s pyramid scheme for desperate housewives and struggling actors masking as a cosmetics company. David is interested and asks how much they can make. Moira says its an insult, and they are sending it back. David is captivated by the brochure and says you can win an Audi. Moira is a little more interested but still skeptical. David is taken in by the promises. David opens the box. Moira says burn it “except this mascara”.
Johnny complains that Ray can’t give him a ride because he has to drive his 92-year-old mother somewhere. Johnny grouses he doesn’t even know where a 92-year-old woman needs to go. Moira suggests the hospital. David is in the background pouring over the brochures and cosmetics. Johnny reluctantly admits he’s going to apply for unemployment insurance. He has to grovel to Roland for his truck so he can go beg for money. Moira is supportive and says he’s taking control and its masculine. Johnny says she needs to raise her bar.
At Roland’s house, Roland is mowing his lawn and can’t hear Johnny. Johnny almost calls him a “dumb son of a bitch” but Roland stops. Johnny asks for the truck, and Roland says no problem just bring the seats back up. Johnny says he does. They argue about that and backing the truck in. Johnny gets frustrated and says he doesn’t need the truck He walks away and Roland follows.
Justine St. Pierre, an older blond with heavy makeup, is pitching her company on a “tips and tricks” video in which she promises you can make up to $600,000 a year. David and Moira watch on a laptop, and David is impressed. Moira questions Justine’s math and says she didn’t finish high school. Justine's claims this isn’t a get rich quick scheme, it’s a system. Moira remarks on the work she’s had done. As Justine begins her list of tips and tricks, David retrieves his journal. When she doesn’t actually get to the tips and tricks, David becomes frustrated and Moira reminds him its a scam. She also says that if his father is willing to sell his soul, the least they can do is try and sell this garbage. David applies the sunless bronzer to his own face, and Justine says “You sell you using Allez-Vous. Moira says they are going to throw a luncheon for the townies.
At the cafe, Alexis is telling Twyla that Ted ordered toast and got home fries instead. Ted is mortified and tells Twyla that he likes home fries and will eat them. He makes excuses for Alexis, saying she’s on a cleanse. They bicker softly, but he says he’s sorry for yelling.
Johnny is looking at a dilapidated car for sale at Bob’s Garage with a sale sin. Johnny lies and says he’s looking to buy a car to a skeptical Bob. Johnny asks for a test drive. Bob says they can take it for a spin, and Johnny insists he take it himself. Bob reluctantly agrees, but he says no highway. Johnny drives the Alleged Car down the highway toward Elmdale, singing to the radio about driving on the highway. Alexis and Mutt are at community service working on a fence, and he tells her that just staring at it isn’t going to fix it. “Yeah, I am,” she replies absently. She starts musing about how nice Ted is. Too nice and generous. Mutt replies that he’s always been that way, and he feels bad about the times he pinned him against a locker. Alexis is surprised, and Mutt replied he was a different person back then. Alexis asked what Ted did to be pinned against the locker, and Mutt responds he always said hi and for some reason it bugged me. Alexis agrees, and an amused Mutt says he’s bugging you. She says no, but tells him about Ted not wanting to correct his order, but Mutt replies that he never returns food because it’s rude.
Johnny continues to sing along to the radio, then the car clatters and sputters and steams. He pulls over and gets out. He makes a call.
Roland is driving Johnny in his truck and telling him that all he needs is a new fan belt. He’s also prying into where Johnny needs to go in Elmdale. Johnny tries to keep mum, Roland presses. Finally, voice breaking, Johnny says he’s going to the unemployment office. Roland mumbles your business is your business. I don’t know why you’re telling me.
Moira is welcoming a group of local women, including Stevie, Jocelyn, Ronnie, and others. She is drinking Champagne and makes sure they all have drinks. She takes them into the second room of their “suite” and finds David with the Allez-Vous products. She asks why he didn’t clean up the quality products, and both feign like this isn’t a sales pitch when it transparently is. David’s face is splotchy with the bronzer he put on earlier. Alexis walks in with Ted, and then she immediately tries to leave. Ted says they need to stay, but she says they’ve made their appearance and now they need to go, but Ted wants to stay because Moira asked him to come. Alexis says she asked everyone to come. She tells him to say no for once in his life. David continues the transparent and cringe-worthy sales pitch by handing out products to each of the townies. Moira and David patter about the customer discounts, and Ted decides to have lunch elsewhere. He leaves as Alexis says “So now you’re getting decisive?” David continues his sales pitch, and he turns to Alexis and tells her that she’d like this product because it’s all about dry skin and aging.
She snacks and replies “Oh my god, Eww, David.”
Moira continues the sales pitch, and the guests are silent. Ronnie looks amused.
At the Unemployment Office, Johnny asks for money. The kind and understanding woman says she needs information. Johnny has worked for himself his whole life, and she asks if he paid unemployment insurance. He says it never came across his desk. He’s agitated as she explains he might not qualify for unemployment. Johnny condescends that he needs money to get back on his feet and employ people and save money. She replies firmly that if he didn’t pay into the program, he doesn’t qualify. He wants to talk to her supervisor, and she says she is the supervisor. He tells her she’s doing a fantastic job.
Moira and David continue their sales pitch and ask who is interested. Silence. Alexis says no one, and David mouths “Get Out.” Jocelyn says that the Audi is really hard to get. She and Roland have been Allez-Vous reps for two years, and they are still driving that old truck. Moira asks if she is an Allez-Vous consultant. Jocelyn replies she’s an executive area manager. David looks aghast, as everyone rattles off their titles except Stevie, who says “I gave up.” Jocelyn explains the Allez-Vous craze hit the town a few years back and the sales pool became incestuous. She wishes a crestfallen David and Moira luck.
At the unemployment office, Jonny’s face is in his hands. He is apologizing to the supervisor, and she’s telling him she’s locking up. Roland walks in and he says hello Marnie to the supervisor. They flirt, and Roland explains they were close friends in high school. She gazes radiantly at him. They banter, and she says Johnny doesn’t qualify for unemployment because he’s never had a job. Roland is shocked and replies didn’t you tell them about working for me? Marnie says that’s different. Johnny says he was Roland’s consultant, but Roland says assistant. They back and forth, and Roland said he had to “can his ass”.
Alexis comes to the cafe with an Allez-Vous bag and gives it to Ted. She says its product she took from the pile nobody bought. She says he’s the first Nice Guy she’s ever dated, and she wants her family to like him. He asks if they don’t like him. She says they do, but they see nice as a sign of weakness. He says he’s not always nice. She asks him to say something mean. He can’t. She tries to make it role-playing, and he says he finds her brother pretentious. He also says her mother is uninformed at times. Alexis encourages this, but when he says she needs a job she says that’s too far.
Roland is fixing the car, and they banter about The Godfather which Roland doesn’t know the correct title of. Johnny sincerely thanks Roland and Roland asks for wiper fluid and a kleenex caddy in return. He leaves, but the car doesn’t start. Johnny shouts Roland screwed it up.
Bob comes with a tow-truck and tells her they will start the paperwork to buy the car. Johnny says it broke twice. Bob presses, and Johnny finally just walks away.
Snarkiest Person in Schitt's Creek: Moira Rose
Tropes that Appear in This Episode
- Alleged Car: The car Johnny test drives from Bob’s garage can’t even make it to Elmdale.
- Best Friend: Roland is rapidly becoming this to Johnny, to his chagrin.
- Big "OMG!": Alexis says this right before her first “Eww, David.”
- Catchphrase: This episode marks the first time Alexis says “Eww, David!”
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Roland proves to be this in the episode, coming to Johnny’s aid significantly more than once. He also remains a Jerkass.
- Nice Guy: Ted is a little too nice, not even wanting to tell Twyla his order was incorrect and being upset when Alexis politely does. Alexis brings this up.
- Odd Couple: The odd couple friendship between Johnny and Roland starts to take shape.
- Ponzi: The multi-level marketing company Allez-Vous is a thinly disguised pyramid scheme.
- Riches to Rags: Johnny has fallen far, which is explored in this episode.
- Sheltered Aristocrat: The sophisticated and educated David is taken in by the get rich promises of the shady MLM.
- Snowball Lie: Johnny’s fib about the test drive snowballs.
