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Recap / Clarksons Farm S 2 E 5 Counciling

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The day of the Council's decision on Jeremy's restaurant arrives...
— Synopsis
It is time for the cows to receive their tuberculosis test results. Charlie and Kaleb are present to aid Dilwyn in the testing, bringing along his assistant to record the results. Clarkson wonders to Dilwyn if bovine tuberculosis can be passed from cow to cow; Dilwyn confirms this. As he administers the test, Dilwyn recounts a situation where all the cows he tested were tuberculosis-free until he came to the last cow, with Dilwyn stating that was the start of an outbreak. Thankfully for Clarkson, all the cows test negative for tuberculosis.

Now in mid-winter, two important events were fast approaching for Clarkson and company: the calving season and Clarkson finding out the decision made regarding his restaurant application. As Clarkson is restocking the shop for the day's operations with Lisa, Charlie arrives and hands him a letter from the council; the letter is a planning contravention notice regarding the produce in the farm not having come from a 16-mile radius from the farm, such as the coffee, hats, T-shirts and other items. Charlie suggests to Lisa to remove all items which flout this rule while they are waiting for planning permission.

Clarkson goes to the barn and talks with Kaleb, who gives his predictions as to when the cows would give birth. A Lely Luna cow brush was also installed to make the cows feel at home while being born; Clarkson and Kaleb decide to try out this brush. Clarkson then consults Charlie to find out how the restaurant planning application was coming along; bracing for bad news, Charlie informs Clarkson that the consultees were extreme sticklers for rules, making numerous comments on the planning application. Clarkson is baffled at the report as Charlie rattles off the requirements they are looking for. Finishing this report, Charlie tells Clarkson that they have some work to do if they were going to get that application accepted.

A few days later, Clarkson is rudely awakened by a phone call from Kaleb; Kaleb takes him to the barn, where he reveals that his first calf has been born and observes it relieving itself. Vowing to not miss another calf birth, Clarkson manages to miss the next batch of calf births, with three calves being born in his absence. Not wanting to miss any more births, Kaleb suggests to Clarkson to buy a device that would inform him of cow births; he then sets out to purchase a few Moocall devices and sets them up on some cows to test. Charlie and Clarkson then talk about the stratospheric rise in fertilizer prices thanks to geopolitical happenings around the world; surprised that Kaleb was cognizant of some of these happenings, Clarkson attempts to convince him otherwise.

Clarkson, now noting that his fertilizer "was worth more than Elon Musk", asks Gerald to aid him in installing a "high tech alarm system" incorporating a number of smoke generators and a siren system. Paddy and Steph stop by to give Clarkson some advice, the latter having received consistent text messages informing him of a potential outbreak of bird flu. Paddy suggests to Clarkson to lock the birds in for at least three months, or at least until they get the all-clear from the authorities. Paddy and Steph suggest to Clarkson methods on how to make the lives for the chickens more enjoyable. Clarkson then returns to the barn to feed the lambs, where Kaleb inadvertently sets off the alarm system protecting the fertilizer.

The same night, Clarkson gets a notification from one of the Moocall devices, with Clarkson and Lisa moving to the barn to observe the birth; Kaleb arrives shortly after, where the three witness a cow going into labor. Two hours pass, with no birth in sight; Kaleb decides to go in to assist the cow in birthing the calf, but fails to locate the head. Worried, he contacts Dilwyn for help; at 11:28 pm, Dilwyn pops by to assist in the birthing of the calf, with Kaleb assisting him. Dilwyn and Kaleb use a jack and rope system to assist in birthing the calf; using the jack and with the cow mooing in distress, a heifer calf is born, with Dilwyn checking its vital signs. Clarkson wonders to Dilwyn what might have happened if they were not there, with Dilwyn remarking that they may have lost the calf.

Less than a week to the council meeting regarding the restaurant remains, with Charlie completing the application and Clarkson having installed a radio in the henhouses, which plays a risqué audiobook narrated by Lisa. Clarkson meets with butcher Henry Lawrence to discuss how much meat he could get from each cow; the numbers sounded like "a meaty goldmine" to Clarkson, with Clarkson calculating that 986 people could be fed from a cow. This joy is short-lived, as Clarkson calculates the cover count in the restaurant and deduces his restaurant would have to close after sixteen days. Charlie suggests to Clarkson to see if other local farmers were willing to provide produce and meat for the restaurant, and organizes a sit-down chat with them at the farm. In this conversation, Clarkson finds out that the farmers need the restaurant more than Clarkson did, including Emma and neighboring pig farmers Andy and Vanessa Hartley; the meeting ends with an agreement to form a "cooperative", and having heard Emma's perspective Clarkson knew how important it was for planning permission for the restaurant to be granted.

The next morning, another Moocall sounds an alarm; Kaleb notices a problem straight away with the birth, as the sac holding the cow in the uterus has burst, essentially meaning that the calf was in there without life support. Deciding not to wait for Dilwyn, Clarkson and Kaleb use brute strength and encouragement to aid in birthing the cow; Kaleb's brute strength proves useful, birthing the cow. By this point, six calves had been born successfully, and Clarkson just needed the approval he required to open the restaurant.

On the day of the meeting, Clarkson and Charlie meet in the farm before the meeting to discuss points; they note that most of the consultees have no objections to the restaurant being built and that they were getting full backing from the Chadlington town council. As they continue reading they find that two parties have objected: the Campaign to Protect Rural England and one Hamish Dewar, a local art restorer, who had hired a London planning barrister, Charles Streeten, to submit his objections. Charlie notes that one of the planning officers has put that objection into her report for reading, but both note that this does not mean that the application would be refused.

As they drive to the meeting, they encounter Gerald, who gives Clarkson and Charlie his well wishes. Clarkson recounts the six months he had spent investing in this project, as a montage of activities plays showing activities that have occurred over that time. As they get ready for the meeting, Clarkson recounts that his experiences as a newspaper reporter have taught him that council planners can behave quite unpredictably; he also notices Hamish in the crowd at the meeting. Councilor Jeff Haine delivers the opening address and proceedings begin.

After a planning officer outlines the agenda for the day's meeting, barrister Streeten begins to speak and unleashes a scathing assault against Clarkson's plan; after barrister Streeten speaks, Clarkson is given three minutes to plead his case. Making an impassioned statement about the reason as to why the application for the restaurant should be accepted, Clarkson attempts to sway the opinions of the planners and others. After finishing his speech, Clarkson takes a pot shot at Streeten for his spelling mistakes; the councilors then begin their debate. Clarkson is encouraged on seeing that there are some people who support his project; shortly after, Clarkson's detractors submit their opinions. With the debate now over, councilor Haine tallies the vote counts; the number of those in support of the venture is dwarfed by those in favor of refusal, leading to the application being refused. Hearing the outcome of the meeting, Clarkson and Charlie dejectedly walk out of the council offices and drive off.


Tropes featured in the episode:

  • Arch-Enemy: Clarkson views Hamish Dewar as his "nemesis".
  • Caustic Critic: Barrister Streeten.
    Barrister Streeten: The applicant's conduct is shameful; it indicates a "give me an inch and I'll take a mile" attitude and it militates strongly against the grant of planning permission. Granting planning permission conflicts with the statutory objective of conserving and enhancing the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. That, speaking frankly, is a matter of obvious common sense: turning countryside into a carpark and introducing additional congestion visually and on the transport network harms the AONB and its tranquility. It would never normally be granted planning permission and there is no reason why it should be in this case.
  • Harsher in Hindsight: Clarkson claims to Kaleb that Russia would not invade Ukraine. A few months later, however...
  • Landslide Election: The number of council members in favor of refusal significantly dwarfs those in favor of the proposal; obviously, the application is refused.
  • Obstructive Bureaucrat: The West Oxfordshire Town Council is this in every facet of the term.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Barrister Streeten gives one to Clarkson.

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