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This beautiful masterpiece of a grand adventure has many quotable moments!
Summary text
Fanfiction.net: "Dark Pit and Lucas' favorite place to shop is Hot Topic. It was their home, scared place and even more, the place where they hooked up. What happens when the evil Yoshi takes over mall goth paradise and changes it! Will they reunite all the edgy goths to rise against Yoshi and his prep cronies or forever be doomed to join... PREP CULTURE. JOIN THE WAR FOR HOT TOPIC!"
Archive of Our Own: "Dark Pit and Lucas' favorite place to shop is Hot Topic. It was their home, their sacred place and furthermore, the area where they hooked up. However, what happens when an evil green dinosaur named Yoshi takes over mall goth paradise and changes it pop culture galore?! Will they reunite all the edgy goths to rise against Yoshi and his evil prep cronies or forever be doomed to join the pressures of society. Join Dark Pit the leader and his fellow Krew as they fight through many different obstacles to restore Hot Topic back to its original state. Little do they know, their precious store isn't the only thing that needs saving."
Story
Arc 1
Dark Pit: "DARK PIT, THE LEADER!"
Lucas: "LUCAS, THE GENERAL!"
Shadow: "OW, THE EDGE!"
Mewtwo: "MEWTWO, I TAKE LIVES AWAY!"
Cia: "CIA, THE FUCKING TACTICIAN! I WILL GET MY LINKY-POO BACK FROM ZELDA!"
— Chaptar 1
Pit: "NOOOO PITTOO DON'T DRINK CAPRI-SUN! IT'S ILLEGAL!"
— Hot Topic Krew Kristmas Special
He was fine and normal as he was a space pirate. He joined the Brawl tournament, being good and victorious until those words were said.
"CLONE!" shouted Mario. Mario hated clones and killed his other counterpart dr. Mario before he came back for the fourth game.
Wolf was broken as he missed being a fighter. His spaceship was confiscated as his friends said fuck you to his face and left him. He was now in the forest where he was free to pee, shit and do whatever he wanted. He had a habit of howling at full moons since, wolves do that shit.
— Chaptar 2
Sakurai: "Please come back, everything sucks without you Mewtwo. I hate everyone except you as I'm in love with you.'
Mewtwo: "Sakurai you beautiful man."
— Chaptar 2
Lucina sat in the corner near the restrooms at the mall, sobbing. She couldn't believe it, her father, the one she trusted and loved for years cheated on her dear mother Ruben with that no good hedgehog Amy Rose. The blue haired girl didn't understand why but soon realized her father had a hedgehog fetish, collecting fish sticks on his spare time. Oh how Chrom loved the fish sticks as he usually would feed them to the wild Pikachus out in the back of the house as they went pikur pikur instead of pika pika like regular ones did.
— Chaptar 3
"Lucina the female, huh," said Lucas. "Wait... Cia's a girl too, why does Lucina have such a strange title?!" questioned the general.
"Cia doesn't count," said Mewtwo. "She's her own species, the species that comes from McDonald's as she was born to her parents Ronald McDonald and Grimace the... whatever the fuck that thing is."
— Chaptar 3
Dark Pit was with Pit as he got ready to fight, however instead, Pit decided to take him to the arcade to settle things in Dance Dance Revolution.
"What the fuck, I thought we were fighting," said Dark Pit.
"Nope. We're gonna spend the time as brothers," said Pit. Dark Pit groaned, wishing he was someone else.
— Chaptar 3
Mario: "Luigi stop this!"
Luigi: "No. fuck-a you, Mario!"
— Chaptar 4
'Oh I love this country, its god bless America, the greatest land on earth. let the eagles shit on me and feed me to the liberty of gooooooood,' sang Rosalina as she quoted Tim McGraw's many number one hits, all which have the same formula.
Lucas winced at the song as country music was the bane of every Goths existence! How dare it exist in the united states of Amerijapanadaropesiafrica. It needed to die and he made a mental note to murder Rosalina's husband Tim McGraw because Tim McGraw sucks big country cock.
— Chaptar 5
Morgan: "Anyways, the future I come from is apocalyptic. There are no Capri-suns, no malls, and even worse, no hot topic."
Everyone gasped in horror as Lucina screamed.
— Chaptar 5
This wolf was forest green and white and it had a white marking on its forehead, a chain on its left front paw and blue eyes. It rushed over towards Wolf, tearing off his clothes as if telling him to embrace who he really was, a wolf and not a people.
"What the hell?!" wolf said, being confused. Soon he got on all fours and started embracing his true self, the way of the wolf dog Balto canine self. He started howling, feeling good as he ran into his new home, the forest. That is the tale of how Wolf became the wolf instead of posing as a people.
The wolf watched him, sniffing his butt and licking his wee wee before realizing something and rushed away, disappearing from sight.
— Chaptar 6
Master Hand had all of the smashers in the auditorium along with his special guest the Aflac duck. The Aflac duck only knew the world Aflac as he said it over one hundred times before Captain Falcon falcon punched it, sending it to the moon and turning it into now what Walt Disney calls Ducktales.
— Chaptar 6
"And I'm Chrom and I do... Chrom things," said Chrom. Everyone clapped.
— Chaptar 6
Wario was smoking some weed, King Dedede snorting cocaine while Waluigi was on L Sd, running nakey and free.
— Chaptar 6
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"
— Master Hand
The green wolf was sniffing Wolf's butt as Wolf did the same, being canines as the loved to sniff butts and lick their own wee wees.
— Chaptar 7
"Moooooooooom," whined the dark sorceress. "I'm hanging with my Krew. I have needs to you know and that is to get the boyfriend of my dreams and Hot Topic back to its original, edgy state."
"What the fuck?! You're twenty-three fucking years old and concerned about getting a goddamn store back to its "edgy" state?! Furthermore, I think you need to move on from Link. You've been obsessing over this guy for far too long now and besides, I know how that can be. After all, I did the exact same thing before I fell in love with your father and moved on. Trust me, just move on and you'll find someone special." rambled the sorceress mother. She then paused for a moment before hearing the part about that stupid fucking poser store Hot Topic. Oh how Cia's mother loathed Hot Topic and BLACK NAIL POLISH!
"Wait a minute... you're STILL WEARING THAT BLACK SHIT?! I'd thought you'd have moved on from that emo phase by now. Even more so, you're hanging out with an twelve year old, a thirteen year old, a seventeen year old, some fuckin Pokémon, an fifty year old emo clone hedgehog, a fucking animal who shits everywhere, and some middle aged guy. What kind of shit is that anyways," rambled Cia's mother.
"ITS FUCKING CALLED BEING GOTH YOU FUCKING BITCH!" snapped Cia.
— Chaptar 7
"I'M NOT HERE TO LOVE, I'M HERE TO KILL!"
— Mewtwo
"You want that Pity date... don't you?" she said, uninterested and annoying.
"Yep. You owe me still because GOING ON A DATE WITH A FUCKING WOLF DOESN'T COUNT!" he said, being angry and emo at the same time.
"Fine. Just think of it as a friends eating out. After all, we got Morgan here," she said. Thank god for Morgan, she cock blocked an one on one date with Robin the emo.
— Chaptar 7
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ITS ABRAHAM LINCOLN!" Pit squealed, fanboying so hard.
Lana just covered her ears and winced in pain.
"Owwie that hurt. Pit, try not to squeal on things that aren't kawaii," she said.
Suddenly Pit's face dropped and got dark.
"... Are you saying that you HATE Abraham Lincoln?" he said, his head turning about three hundred and sixty degrees.
— Chaptar 7
"Aww yeah, doing it with no s-support!"
— Robin
Arc 2
"Oh, I just remembered that we have an summer home in an nice area near Melee City," Shia exclaimed. "Perhaps some of us can reside there while others stay at an hotel, that way it throws off the enemy."
"Good idea," said Lucas. "After all, the last thing I need is to see Porky talking about captialism without knowing what it actually fucking means."
"Well, aren't we all written 99.9% out of character for the most part?" said Lucina, breaking the fourth wall which is illegal in fanfiction.
"Pretty much," replied the bishounen boy. "Wait, what is the .1% in character even for?"
"DON'T QUESTION FANFIC LOGIC!" yelled Santa Christ.
— Chaptar 20
"Oh great, the shitty anime is here," Henry exclaimed, giving an look of disgust.
"Go fuck yourself," Ryuko shot back.
— Chaptar 20
"Now," said Pit dressed as Dr. Phil People's Court Maury, "Why do you hate most anime?
— Chaptar 20
Peter:"Hey, whats the deal with wimmen. All the thing they do is nag nag nag and spend spend spend. You know what I tell my wife when she does that? To go make me a sandwich."
No one laughed.
Marc rolled his eyes. "How does garbage like him manage to even stay on the air for so long?"
"Sadly, there are people in your age group who still find his offensive humor hilarious," Kynthia answered. "Even then, there are always younger audiences who are bound to fall for Seth Mac Farlene's recycled jokes."
— Chapar 20
"Fucking Satan Judas, I hope this Satan forsaken mess is over"
— Dark Pit
An few seconds after, Cia snapped out of her trace and grabbed Robin as they kissed on the lips like those Nicholas Sparks novel covers with white people kissing in the rain except it wasn't raining.
— Chaptar 22
"Abraham Lincoln?!" Falco exclaimed, bewildered. "You mean the 16th president of the United States Pit won't shut the fuck up about?! Same with that Megaman guy."
— Chaptar 23
"I want to present to you my greatest creation, Peridot. She was fused with the three greatest things in the world, Doritos, Mountain Dew and the Xbox One. I know it sounds completely absurd Master but trust me, she is more than just that. Besides having the standard powers of an crystal gem, she an also manipulate technology, do interface creation, even scale walls!"
— Roy
"Steak," said Dark Pit matter-of-factly.
— Chaptar 24
"Hey! Let's just say since I'm friends with your grandmother that I get scolding privileges too," she exclaimed a matter-of-factly.
"That doesn't juristic you permission to hit people for no reason!" complained Warrior Link.
"Yes it does. I'm mother fucking nature bitch!" Viridi replied.
— Chaptar 26
"GOD DAMN IT LANA! DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING FROM SHIA LABEOUF!" her sister screamed back.
"I... I did Sissy but... but... Anal's so mean and I'm so nice!" she cried back.
— Chaptar 26
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE FISHSTICKS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GRIMA YOU FUCKER!"
— Chrom
"But he's an CLONE AND I HATE CLONES!" Mario yelled.
"Mario please, stop it with the clone bullshit," Link stated. "It's the character that counts, not the moveset or whatever that bullshit is called."
— Chaptar 27
"WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE!" he exclaimed.
The tactician rolled his eyes, completely unamused by his antics.
"They're fucking shoes, dipshit," Robin bitterly replied.
— Chaptar 27
Shadow:"You called me Ow the Edge!"
Dark Pit: "WELL YOU ARE OW THE EDGE!"
— Chaptar 28
Arc 3
"Well that's fine with me honestly. You Zeldas are fucking annoying anyways," he stated. "It's literally just the same shit rehashed over and over, just different generic medieval story to mask the lazy ass formula."
Warrior Link's jaw dropped as he heard the edgy motherfucker's words. He was tempted to beat the living daylights out of Dark Pit however, his mother refrained him from doing so.
"Link, you're overreacting," she simply scolded. "There is no time for petty arguments, let alone trying to get the last word or what you young ones call it these days, getting dragged."
— Chaptar 29
"I'm surprised you losers aren't watching television. To think I even bothered to give you girls some form of luxury inside your cell," he bemoaned.
The Goddess of Nature rolled her eyes in response.
"As if that's going to keep us company, dipshit."
Icarus took offensive to her rude remark.
"Hmph, you're being rather ungrateful for someone who's having their life spared. Most bad guys don't even let their captives enjoy anything. Be lucky that I have some inch of sympathy for you wretched heathens."
— Chaptar 35
"I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST FAITH IN THIS COUNTRY!" Pit yelled. The light angel took out a flag as well as a lighter as he began burning it.
— Chaptar 35
Arc 4
"What's wrong Pit? Cat got your tongue?"
"Lady Palutena," he cried. "I WITNESSED MY EYES ON THE HORROR OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! I CAN'T GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD!"
The goddess handed the boy his ice cream and sighed.
"Well like they say, both you and Pittoo have a high tendency of stumbling into awkward situations in this story," Palutena simply stated, breaking the law as she broke the fourth wall (which is ironic because Uprising always breaks the fourth wall).
— Chaptar 36
Pit: "Have you ever just wondered where Brendan Fraser is now?"
Dark Pit: "Wait, what the hell does Brendan Fraser have to do with this?"
— Chaptar 36
"I need your help in making this country great again," the anthropomorphic talking Cheeto explained, "we need Overwatch to help take down these terrorists."
Tracer thought for a moment as she remembered who Trump was and the shit he has done, not to mention his vice president is extremely homophobic and overall a disgusting human being.
"Lol how about no."
With those words, Tracer hung up before Trump had the chance to even respond. Being frustrated, the president went to his last resort as he had no choice to send in the SWAT team and the armed forces after them.
— Chaptar 37
Trump: "These young terrorist are that man's sons. Icarus is leading all of these terrorist groups to put a stop to this country from becoming great again. And you know what's even worse? Those dirty no good, rotten children of his are… HALF MEXICAN!"
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Rosalina remarked as she shook her head.
"What the hell does being of mixed Latino heritage have to fucking do with terrorism," Kynthia commented, "oh wait I've totally forgot; Trump's a fucking racist shithead and utilizes fear mongering to his upmost advantage."
— Chaptar 37
"SHUT THE FUCK UPICUS!"
— Icarus
"Hey Icarus, did you know that Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria wrote this song as he predicted his own death eighty-eight years ago," Palutena stated a matter-of-factly. This caused Icarus to tilt his head in bewilderment before tapping his chin.
"Really?!" he asked, his voice actually being genuinely curious.
"Yes!" the goddess beamed. "Years later, the band found the sheet of music along with the lyrics and recorded the song."
"Whoa, that's pretty amazing. I did not know that at all."
— Chaptar 37
