I was Captain Power for a while. But then I got sued. Something about a cartoon. Then I changed it to Captain Ron. And got sued. Changed it to Captain L. Ron. Got beaten up by Tom Cruise. I was Captain Universe, but it turned out there was already a Captain Universe. Captain Ultra. There had been one of those. A plumber, would you believe. Broke into my appartment and left a horse's head in my water tank as a warning. Captain Avenger, taken. Captain Avalon, I had to give up...I tried Captain Marvel. There've been, like, eight Captain Marvels. One of them was an adult movie star with a lightning bolt on his...anyway. There was a Captain Kerosene. I mean, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, and there was already a Captain Kerosene. That was my luck right there. I wasn't Captain Rectitude, but I was pretty much all of the other Captains at one time or another. So I gave up. I decided I was just The Captain. And then some marine-looking guy tracks me down and says, "I was The Captain First!"
I had to pay him money in the end.