"If the whole world were a party, Jeremy would not have ended up in the kitchen. He envied the people who had made it as far as the kitchen. There might be food in the kitchen, and even some wine if you could fish the cigarette butts out of the bottle. There might even be a girl in the kitchen, although Jeremy knew the limits of his imagination. But Jeremy would never even get an invite."
"You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman- MAKES ME A WINNER!"
— Al Bundy
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance, or maybe Cannes
Ah, but don't bother trying to IMDb me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is riding my little boat around Adventureland
But what's the difference? That's all behind me now
Now I'm paying the rent, and I'm swallowing my pride
And I'm working on the Jungle Cruise ride
— "Weird Al" Yankovic, Skipper Dan